Ever wonder why [affair participants] end up with 3rd usually unrelated person?

[Origin]

I’ve been on this website for a while now and I try to comment when I can. I usually float beteeen this and “infidelity” forum and I noticed something.

 

In many stories that I read, almost always the betrayal spouse/fiancée either go back to marriage/relationship or they completely end up with a third person who popped outta nowhere. Very very rarely do they end up with the person they “cheated” with.

 

I always found this fascinating that they risked so much and then afterwards they end up with a new person. Why is that? It almost makes no sense.

 

This is mostly true for the stories that have lots of “push-pull”, such as stories on this side of the forum.

 

Also,

 

For those spouses/fiancée who end up with a third person they also always stay attached to the “cheater” no letting them really move on. It’s almost Narcissistic in a way due to severe lack of empathy and selfishness.

 

Thoughts??

[anika99]

I think there could be any number of reasons. One reason may be that by the time the marriage ends there has just been too much drama and hurt with the affair partner. The cheater is now free to start anew with someone who doesn't know their ugly history. It's a fresh start.

 

Sometimes I think the cheater never wanted their marriage to end and so they never truly planned on being with their affair partner full time. They may have future faked because the fantasy was fun and because they had to keep their AP hooked but they never had any intention of ending their marriage. Instead the betrayed spouse ends the marriage and when the wayward spouse becomes single they suddenly have a much larger pool of women to choose from and so they want to play the field.

 

Sometimes I think the wayward spouse loses respect for their affair partner during the affair for any number of reasons. And the affair partners lose respect for their MM/MW for various reasons. Affair relationships are built on very shaky ground because of the lies, the betrayal, the pain. Transitioning that into a healthy strong honest relationship can be mighty difficult. This is compounded if the betrayed spouse became aware of the affair. The affair partner will always be despised by the betrayed spouse, the kids and possibly the extended family as well. It's just easier to start over again with someone new.

 

No surprise that the cheater wants to keep their affair partner hanging on while they try out something new. That's pretty much what they were doing all along. Many cheaters have deep seeded issues and they use people to prop themselves up. They can't fathom being alone for even two seconds and so they always make sure they have back up people in case their current interest doesn't work out.

[lookingforclosure]

I have often wondered this also...but now am living it. My exMM has decided his efforts to restore the marriage are done and he has found a new woman, by chance as he reminded me of how we met. She is the one worthy of the ring being taken off and going out on real dates, not hidden meetings. Mine strung me along for 3 years...last having a heart to heart in August wher ehe still loved me...yet 3 months later has found "the one"

 

It sucks and i'm still trying to process how he has turned it all around on me

[Sampson]

many cheaters have deep seeded issues and they use people to prop themselves up. They can't fathom being alone for even two seconds and so they always make sure they have back up people in case their current interest doesn't work out.

 

 

^^^^^ this

[carhill]

Some people have a collector personality, desiring or needing to attract attention to themselves. Sex and romance, the basics of reproduction, are a powerful drive so an effective and efficient avenue to attract attention. Moving to a third party 'refreshes' the attention mix.

 

For those with such personalities, the process will go on throughout life as long as they have sufficient social power to attract the providers to them. Sure, some of those affected might feel abused or used but the reality is there are billions of us so as individuals we really don't matter that much. Always another to interact with, enjoy, and use.

 

Once in awhile they'll run into someone who was originally targeted to use who is as proficient at the process as they are and a certain quid pro quo is established and the parties don't move on to another target, rather enjoy the challenge of the equal, pitting skills and guile against a worthy opponent. Kinda fun to watch. Seen a few of those. Made me realize how not a pro I was. Some people are real pros at human interaction and, yup, some wield that skill like a blunt instrument. That's life.

[Southern Sun]

Any number of reasons.

 

The AP was simply the person available at the time and when D happens, LOTS of people are available.

 

The AP is a reminder of the hot mess of both the affair and the D the newly divorced person wants a fresh start.

 

Affairs can create a lot of distrust between the two parties and it's just too much to get past in a "real" relationship.

 

A lot of CRAP went down with the affair, d-days happened, and when reality hit, the AP/APs realized that they would never live it down with their families and/or children.

 

An affair is not a great way to start a new relationship. The odds aren't stacked in your favor.

[Origin]

I have often wondered this also...but now am living it. My exMM has decided his efforts to restore the marriage are done and he has found a new woman, by chance as he reminded me of how we met. She is the one worthy of the ring being taken off and going out on real dates, not hidden meetings. Mine strung me along for 3 years...last having a heart to heart in August wher ehe still loved me...yet 3 months later has found "the one"

 

It sucks and i'm still trying to process how he has turned it all around on me

 

Hi,

 

First of all stay strong. I can 100% say I understand how you feel as I’ve been thru it and it sucks. I can complete feel your pain in the words “She is the one worthy of the ring being taken off and going out on real dates, not hidden meetings”. I seriously felt your pain and all I can say it will get better but you need to keep posting here.

I’m following your story and I posted specifically because of reading yous(eminded me) and I decided to post it because I was always curious.

 

It’s probably a combination of a lot of things but new fresh start sounds pretty good if you’re in their shoes. Going back to the person they cheated with causes anxiety and negativity to some extent. That why I said this is only true for relationship that are push-pull.

[carhill]

Yeah, a better strategy is, if sufficiently skilled, get the emotional memory burned in there, avoid the affair, and let someone else take the exit fall. It's tricky though. Kinda like war. Never underestimate one's opponent. Why does anyone do this? Power and demand. Regardless of gender, if the object of desire is powerful and in demand, people will battle over them. In the above scenario, and especially if the dalliance leaks out, moving to a third, ostensibly 'clean' party, cleanses the social ladder as one 'made a mistake' and 'moved on'. Put that narrative in an attractive package and you betcha people will buy it and the person selling it will feel better too. Close those boxes up and it's like those other people never existed. The past is the past.

[elaine567]

 

No surprise that the cheater wants to keep their affair partner hanging on while they try out something new. That's pretty much what they were doing all along. Many cheaters have deep seeded issues and they use people to prop themselves up. They can't fathom being alone for even two seconds and so they always make sure they have back up people in case their current interest doesn't work out.

 

And it is pretty cool to have two besotted women on tap. Why give that up?

 

I also was informed that because the OW is used to sharing her man and is somewhat on the hook, it is better to keep her there and go public with a new woman, than "promote" the OW and hope the new woman will put up with being an OW and stay in the shadows.

If the new woman doesn't work out, then easier to find replacement gfs, than try to find a new OW.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

 

A lot of CRAP went down with the affair, d-days happened, and when reality hit, the AP/APs realized that they would never live it down with their families and/or children.

 

An affair is not a great way to start a new relationship. The odds aren't stacked in your favor.

 

This exactly

[wmacbride]

The answer to your question might well be different for each situation.

 

One I read one time, which I thought was incredibly unfair, was from a married woman, who had cheated with a married man. he left his spouse for her, she chose not to.

 

her reason? She said she didn't feel she could ever really trust him.

[lookingforclosure]

She said she didn't feel she could ever really trust him.

 

^^^^^well that's the pot calling the kettle black isn't it???? SMH

[jah526]

Only speaking for my situation, and I don't know how common this is. I am pretty sure that one of the reasons he "chose" me is that I'm not someone he would fall in love with, painful as that is to admit. He was only in it for the extra sex. If he were divorced I'm sure he'd go after all the pretty young things he was forever telling me about.

 

I agree with others on the second part. The OW has been relegated to a secondary role, has accepted it and gotten used to it. So why not keep her on the back burner while he's out looking for his A woman?

[wmacbride]

^^^^^well that's the pot calling the kettle black isn't it???? SMH

 

I agree.

It made no sense to me. I'm not sure if she really believed that or it was just an excuse she was making to herself.

[Birdies]

I think usually the fantasy is better than a real-life relationship with that person. It's a lot easier to find a tantalizing affair partner than it is to find an actual life partner. It's a lot easier to feel infatuated than it is to fall in love.

[Birdies]

The answer to your question might well be different for each situation.

 

One I read one time, which I thought was incredibly unfair, was from a married woman, who had cheated with a married man. he left his spouse for her, she chose not to.

 

her reason? She said she didn't feel she could ever really trust him.

 

I dunno, that makes a lot of sense to me. How often have people used the old adage "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you" around here? Like literally every day.

 

Unless you're a mind-reader, you can't ever know what someone else is thinking or what they're capable of justifying. She had a lot of evidence that he was not a faithful person, and no way to know for sure if that could ever change. Whereas she probably was sure that *she* would never cheat again. (Easier said than done, and probably wrong, unless she did some serious work to redefine her boundaries and her coping mechanisms).

 

I do trust my former AP because of our particular circumstances and because of all the hard work he's done to learn from this shltty experience and better himself. I can definitely see how it'd be easy to always doubt a former AP, though.

 

And I certainly wouldn't blame a former AP for never being able to fully trust me, either. Actions have consequences.

[Be_Strong]

Every situation is, of course, unique, but I think there are some common elements that result in this phenomenon. Speaking from a guy’s point of view, men can be very practical when it comes to dating women to satisfy their needs. A man looking for an affair will fully realize that the pool of women open to such a relationship is much smaller than the pool of women that would be willing to date him if he was single. The “good” girls will want nothing to do with cheating, so the man will settle for the best available option even if the options aren’t the greatest.

 

If the man does eventually divorce, his dating pool suddenly expands, including all those good girls that were off limits before. His ego has been boosted be the OW, so now he feels he can upgrade.

 

I also think that most cheating men deep down have no respect for their cheating partner and are revolted by the fact that the woman would engage in the affair (Ironic I know since they are also cheaters). Guys don’t have any problem burying these feelings for the sake of carrying out the affair, but again, once the opportunity arises to date a respectable lady, the OW gets dumped.

 

I also think guys would prefer to be in a relationship with a clean history—not one that started as an affair.

[SolG]

In some cases it's an exit affair where the goal isn't to cultivate a real LTR with the AP, but rather just to blow up the M in order to get out of it.

 

You sometimes see this where the M is perhaps mundane, but quite stable in the WS's perception. They are dissatisfied, but there's nothing really fundamentally wrong enough to justify walking out. So they create enough dysfunction to facilitate an ending.

 

In these cases the A and AP are just tools to facilitate an outcome for the WS; becoming single. And when they achieve that, they have served their purpose.

[Toots]

Sometimes the OW discovers that she’s actually not interested in the MM f/t. Perhaps during the D process she sees a side of him that she hadn’t seen before, and dumps him. He then finds himself with neither the BW nor the OW, and so hooks up with someone else. Maybe the OW likes him enough to keep him around as a p/t plaything, on the side, or maybe she finds someone better.

[road]

Because most AP's just wanted extra sex.

 

So they found a married person to have sex with. They

were willing to say and do anything to get their target

to cheat with them.

 

The WS deluded themselves with that this AP on the really

loves them instead of just wanting to use them as a FWB.

 

So when the manure hits the fan on D day the AP walks away

leaving the WS with two options. Recovery their marriage

with the BS or divorce. And some times the BS only gives them

the divorce option.

 

So now the WS has no BS, no AP, so they have to find their

next spouse.