dazed and confused

[Dannyboy]

I actually have a couple of questions. First, let me give you some background info on my situation. I've been dating this girl for almost a year and a half. We both attend the same school but she recently found out that she will have to attend a different school for financial reasons. After this it seems she became more distant. She now has new friends (who are guys in her apt complex) that she hangs out with all the time. Since then, her attitude and demeanor has completely changed. She is not as affectionate towards me and it seems she gets angry more easily. Because of this time she is spending with her friends plus school and her job, our time together is becoming virtually nonexistent. I express my concern and disapproval but she says I can't tell her what to do let alone who her friends should be. She also stated that since I went out with my friends a lot and had fun, she is going to do the same before she leaves. I tell her I don't mind the fact that guys are her friends, but she hasn't known these guys long, and she spends a lot of time with them. Fast friends. I feel that this should not affect our time together especially since our time is short.

 

My first question---Evidently, I must have hurt her when I went out with my friends instead of spending time with her. Is it reasonable to think her actions are being vindictive or spiteful?

 

Second question---Should I be concerned that her friends are guys? She says trust her but, they spend an unusual amount of time together and they do date-like things like going to the movies and hanging out at the lake and now she is going with them to a rave in a nearby town and will spend the night there. Except for raving, I feel those are things that we should be doing before she leaves. Also, I kind of made a scene about her friends and now she won't let me hang out with her and them. I haven't even officially met these guys. She says all of our friends shouldn't be mutual.

 

Third question---I really like and love this girl and I feel she does too, but I'm not sure if I can't take this anymore. Whenever I try to acknowledge what's going on she says she is tired of hearing about it and quickly and angrily dismisses it. She also says that I am insecure and jealous. I agree to a point, but I feel if she knows I'm somewhat insecure why make it harder on me? What should I do to find a middle ground?

 

Fourth question---Is this relationship salvageable? I just feel that I am a low priority in her life right now. Ordinarily, I would swallow my pride and move on but she still gives me signals that she cares but not on the level it used to be.

 

I'm sorry that I wrote a book, but you can see how perplexed I am and how bad I care for this girl. If there is any info you can provide it would be greatly appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

 

Lost in Lawrence, KS

[kikie]

here's my humble opinion:

 

u know how they say "if u love something, set it free. if it comes back to u - u'll have it forever; if not - screw it" - hehe, something along those lines.

 

She seems to realize that insecurity is your weak point, and she can tell that u'r there no matter what she does right now ... I think you need to show way more independence. I mean if she isn't making any effort at all, reduce your effort, hang out with your own friends a lot, and see what she does. Maybe she's simply afraid to break up, in which case distancing yourself is a good idea. Maybe she's just too sure of your availability and care, in which case distancing yourself will do good also. But when u do get together, be normal, affectionate, etc., and don't even bring up her friends or anything.

 

Now of course I don't know you guys, so the final judgement is yours ... good luck!

[Rogue]

Sorry to be the bringer of bad news,Lawrence. From what I've read, I'd say your relationship is pretty much dead.

 

Women can be like this: They don't want to dump you outright so they keep doing things to make you dump them, so that you do the work for them. If you don't dump them, then they keep doing more things to get you mad. If you still don't dump them, then one day they just pick a fight with you and say they've had enough , and it's over and it's all your fault.

 

Needless to say, this has happened to me too. The mistake you don't want to make is to chase after her, when she clearly wants things to end.

 

I don't think she is being spiteful, like you suggested in question 1. If she were hurt, and still in love with you, she wouldn't have acted like this. She would've pouted, given you the cold shoulder, cut you off, but not turn around and start hanging out with other guy "friends".

 

Questions 2-4 are pretty much redundant at this point. She WANTS to end this. What you feel or what's possible isn't the issue.The issue is that SHE WANTS to end this. You have no choice in the matter. No amount of hard work on your part will change her mind.

 

My advice? Accept the fact that the relationship is over. Tough pill to swallow, but you don't have a choice.

 

Next thing to do? Don't even tell her it's over. Don't even talk to her. Don't return any of her calls. If you see her on the street, be polite, say "Hello", and keep walking. Don't bother "talking to her one last time", it never works, you'll just feel worse. Don't hang out where she hangs out, don't "accidently" bump into her. Don't think about her, because she certainly isn't thinking about you.

 

Simply remove her and her memory from your life for the next few weeks. I guarantee you, if you do this for 2 weeks, you'll feel like a new man .After you've built some emotional distance from her, then you can consider talking her again.But not until you've gotten her out of your system for good.

[chick]

Q1: sounds like she is being a little immature to be getting back at you for spending time with your friends. love isn't about getting revenge or "getting you back".

 

Q2: if i were you, i would probably be a little suspicious about the amount of time she spends with these guys too. you both need your own lives and you are both entitled to do things without each other, but she sounds like she is trying to keep you at a distance from her friends and she is being completely unfair to you and your feelings. she obviously can't see that you were there before her new friends and she can't just forget about you when something better comes along. you shouldn't be feeling second best.

 

Q3: you may be jealous and insecure, but she is selfish, uncaring and insensitive to your feelings. she shouldn't tell you she is sick of hearing it or get angry at you, she should be understanding of how you feel and trying to resolve the problem with you. it sounds like she doesn't particularly care how you feel. she isn't even trying to make things easier on you.

 

Q4: if you aren't happy,then move on. how often does she show you she cares? think about it, if she cared, she would be doing something about this and working things out between the two of you, wouldn't she? you shouldn't feel like a low priority when you obviously put her as a top priority.

 

as hard as it may be i think, it is time for you to move on. you sound like a really nice guy who deserves someone that can treat you with respect. i wish i could find a guy as nice as you sound! as much as you probably don't want to hear this, she is probably losing interest and do you really think things will get much better when she moves schools? i doubt it. she sounds like she is making you miserable. she is obviously putting herself and her needs and happiness first, so why aren't you doing the same? relationships need effort on both parts, they are not just one-sided. let her go. she is treating you like crap. she is being totally unfair and taking advantage of your obvious caring nature. trust me, things won't change.

 

sorry if i have come across as rude, but this situation is just too close to home for me. i know EXACTLY how you feel and it isn't a nice way to be feeling.