Step kids and discipline

[viatori patuit]

So I am newt married to a wonderful woman who has two kids. They are small (2 and 6).

 

She wants me take an active parenting roll. I told her I have no idea what I am doing but she says that is ok.

 

Now here is the question- I think the kids are undisciplined. The older one is a girl and a drama queen. I think we need to be a bit more firm, but mom is just not really firm with them.

 

I don’t know what I am doing though. Maybe I am wrong? Some help here would be great. If I talk to her about it she gets upset on occasion. Tells me to deal with them. But they run to her and she coddles them and they invariably do it again. I sort of feel like I am in over my head sometimes as I don’t know what the correct course with either should be.

 

Any suggestions here? If I am wrong I am fine with admitting it. If I am right, how do I approach this without creating trouble?

[BetrayedH]

Step-parent’s job is to keep the kids safe. That’s it. Period.

 

My $.02

[basil67]

As step parent, it is not your place to discipline them. And it sounds like if you did discipline them, you'd be at odds with your wife's parenting strategy. With you being the parent with higher expectations, it's only a matter of time before they see you as the wicked step father. Not a place you want to be.

 

Even with two bio parents, successful parenting 101 dictates that both parents be on the same page with strategies and behavioural expectations. As much as I don't believe you should be disciplining them, coming to an agreement on how they should be disciplined is essential.

 

What kind of behaviour does the older girl exhibit which make you feel like she's a drama queen? Has her drama ever delivered positive outcomes for her in the past?

[S2B]

Since you both are unsure how to go about parenting - see if a class would help.

 

Some hospitals offer free classes. You need the guidance.

[somanymistakes]

It is generally a bad idea for the step-parent to apply discipline.

 

Kid has, presumably, two parents already. And a bunch of confusion in their lives, because both parents probably already have different rules for the kid and they have to switch back and forth and sometimes this will frustrate them and make them snappy.

 

You, as the new guy, do not have the long-term bond and innate 'authority' position over them that their bio-parents do. They won't instinctively recognise you as the source of all wisdom. They are likely to resent your attempts and treat you as the evil interloper ruining their lives. The more you try to institute what you think is right, and have it fail, the more frustrated and disrespected you will feel. This can eventually grow to a VERY BAD family dynamic where you and the kids quietly loathe each other.

 

It helps to think of yourself more in the role of a teacher or babysitter. Yes, you are an adult and you have responsibility for these kids and they should obey you to an extent, but there are limits on your role, and for serious problems you need to carry a report to the actual parent and let the parent handle things. A teacher or babysitter can take a marker out of the hand of a child who is scribbling on the wall, but can't ground them for a week.

 

If it would help I can probably find you some official-looking step-parenting resources that emphasize the step-parent's "helper" position vs the parent doing the ACTUAL discipline, so you can explain to your wife that no, really, she has to deal with her kids. That is her job. You can advise, you can support the decisions she makes, but SHE has to make the calls.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is their birth father still involved in their lives?

[Trail Blazer]

It's an awkward situation to be in. I've been a step parent for 13 years with my step kids being 7 and 10 when I first came into their lives. These kids are a bit younger so it's slightly different but the same basic principles still apply. It takes time and patience and you have to ease into the role of step parent if you want to get the best out of your stepchildren.

 

The way I handled it was I developed a rapport with the kids, got them to trust me first and after they respected me I disciplined them as I saw fit. So long as they understand to respect you it can be done so that you don't come across as a bossy douche who's overstepping their boundaries.

[MJJean]

6 year old girls are drama queens and I have heard they stop being drama queens when they reach about 25 or so...

 

My DH and I got together when my kids were 6 and 1. Both girls. DH disciplined the kids at my request. I couldn't always be there and sometimes the adult in charge has to take action. Kids need consistency. You and your wife need to establish what the rules are, what the punishments for violating the rules are, and agree to enforce the rules or you're not going to make much headway.

[BaileyB]

Is their father in their lives?

 

A step parents role is typically, not one of discipline. This situation is a little different because the children are younger. It sounds like their mother is having a hard time disciplining her children, and thus... She is pushing the responsibility on to you.

 

I would actually suggest marriage counselling - to discuss roles and responsibilities, and to improve her ability to communicate about these difficult issues.

 

Their mother would also benefit from a parenting class - to learn how to parent her children.

[viatori patuit]

the father is not in their lives. He visits maybe two weeks a year with them and lives in another state.

 

She doesn’t care if I discipline. I am firmer, but we generally agree on methods.

 

As for the six year old, she is a drama queen of the first order. She will try to cute her way out of all correction. When that doesn’t work the tears fly. Yes, this works with mom. Me? Nope. She has to learn about consequences.

 

This is the real rub. Mom grew up with zero discipline from her parents. They were never around.

[basil67]

As for the six year old, she is a drama queen of the first order. She will try to cute her way out of all correction. When that doesn’t work the tears fly. Yes, this works with mom. Me? Nope. She has to learn about consequences.

 

This is exactly the kind of scenario you must avoid. It's her mother's duty to step up to the plate. If you do this on your own, you will be viewed as the evil step father.

 

What happens when the 6yo tries the tears on you and you stand firm....then she goes to her mother who will relent?

[RecentChange]

Okay.... First I will say. I am not a parent. So you can disregard anything I say.

 

My dad... As in bio dad adopted my half brother and sister when they were 7 and 8 years old (they are 9-10 years older than me, so his first parenting experience).

 

He was the voice of reason. He was the disciplinarian. He was the rock in their lives which was full of instability up to that point. And decades later, he is still their rock. Their parent.

 

He has stories about how first there was resistance.

 

But he is a great dad, yes sometimes stern, but understanding, and most of all CONSISTENT.

 

I think few things rock a kids world more that inconsistency and unpredictability. I come from the animal training world but the rules are the same.

 

Be fair. Be consistent. Be predictable.

 

And mom has to be on board. That plays into consistently and predictability.

 

I think the kids are young enough that they could adapt to a new "parent" in their lives.... If he is a good one.

 

In converse. My dad remarried when I was 13-14. At that age, I didn't need a new "mom" to dish discipline, and my dad already had that handled anyway.

 

I do agree with others that classes maybe in order. I feel like my dad was a natural born "parent" and did a great job with me and his adopted kids, and is amazing with all his grand kids.

 

Me?! I don't have the patience or fortitude I think, and I wouldn't sign up to parent youngins' it's a serious job.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Okay.... First I will say. I am not a parent. So you can disregard anything I say.

 

My dad... As in bio dad adopted my half brother and sister when they were 7 and 8 years old (they are 9-10 years older than me, so his first parenting experience).

 

He was the voice of reason. He was the disciplinarian. He was the rock in their lives which was full of instability up to that point. And decades later, he is still their rock. Their parent.

 

He has stories about how first there was resistance.

 

But he is a great dad, yes sometimes stern, but understanding, and most of all CONSISTENT.

 

I think few things rock a kids world more that inconsistency and unpredictability. I come from the animal training world but the rules are the same.

 

Be fair. Be consistent. Be predictable.

 

And mom has to be on board. That plays into consistently and predictability.

 

I think the kids are young enough that they could adapt to a new "parent" in their lives.... If he is a good one.

 

In converse. My dad remarried when I was 13-14. At that age, I didn't need a new "mom" to dish discipline, and my dad already had that handled anyway.

 

I do agree with others that classes maybe in order. I feel like my dad was a natural born "parent" and did a great job with me and his adopted kids, and is amazing with all his grand kids.

 

Me?! I don't have the patience or fortitude I think, and I wouldn't sign up to parent youngins' it's a serious job.

 

Really good post.

 

I'd also like to add that not all girls are drama queens . My daughter is getting close to 17 and has never, ever, in her life been a drama queen (except that one time I made her wear a dress to an elementary Christmas concert). She's the exact opposite, actually, and so is my teenage son.