Toxic or emotional abuse

[Downanddown]

Hey guys

 

I'm a few months out of an ltr of 6 years and was curious if there was more abuse then what I really thought.

 

- accused me very badly/wouldnt give up of cheating on her ( when I was not) broke me down into tears as I didn't know what else to do. Then apologized for it

 

- smacked me hard during a heated argument and threw all my clothes out of the house

 

- constantly starting arguments even during times when I was a work etc..which made me feel really anxious all the time

 

- accused me throughout the relationship of cheating when I was not.

 

- guilt trips mostly used against me with the kids (step kids as they were not mine)

 

- brought her ex up in arguments and made a lot of comparisons of him to me.

 

Just wondering if this is more of a toxic situation then abuse.

 

Don't get me wrong. I was not perfect by any means but I feel my yelling always stemmed from her making irrational comments and arguments that always went in circles.

 

Her father was highly abusive and her mother is an alcoholic. But I'm just so confused as a lot of the times she was the sweetest person.

 

Im slowly healing and moving on. Just looking for some advice

[Jdoublenn]

Yep, sounds abusive and super narcissistic. However whats the point of wondering now? Just be glad she's out of your life!

[Downanddown]

Yep, sounds abusive and super narcissistic. However whats the point of wondering now? Just be glad she's out of your life!

 

Agreed 100% but I miss the kids a lot. Her as well but I'm working through that. Oh and she constantly went through my phone and internet history behind my back.

Seems more of control issues then anything

[Jdoublenn]

Agreed 100% but I miss the kids a lot. Her as well but I'm working through that. Oh and she constantly went through my phone and internet history behind my back.

Seems more of control issues then anything

 

Jealous and possessive too it seems. Dodged bullet is what you should call it..

 

Im so sorry you're missing her and her kids. :/ Just know your wellbeing is going to be better off if you keep your distance. I certainly hope she treats her kids better than she treated you..

[Downanddown]

I mean she is a good mom but she is really hard on her daughter. Takes a lot of anger out on her for small little things. I always told her she's just a kid. She's Going to make mistakes and screw up.

[Jdoublenn]

Sounds like a very sad situation..

 

How are you doing post-breakup? I know you said you miss them but besides that?

[Downanddown]

Trying to keep myself busy as much as possible with work and activities. I still blame myself a lot for it ending as she went back to her ex pretty much the next day. The betrayal was really hard at first but telling myself I dodged a bullet makes me feel a ton better lol.

 

She smeared it all over Facebook too. Literally the next day. How she's "married" as her ex is her ex husband. That friggin hurt a ton but in a much better place now. 6 years is looong

[Downanddown]

She was pushing really really hard for a ring. But man, something was just "off" . Although i was ring shopping about a week before she left

[Jdoublenn]

Oooh boy. Be glad you never bought a ring or put it on her finger. Thats about all I can say. I know it sucks to hear that about someone you love, but look at your post from a different perspective. If someone else had posted this, would you think they were in a healthy relationship?

[Downanddown]

Nope. Not one bit and that's a good point.

 

I mean they have there bio parents back now so honestly, I'm happy for the kids in that sense. But yeah, watching someone you love turn on a dime so quick with someone else is a hard pill to swallow. Even if it's an ex

[Downtown]

Smacked me hard during a heated argument... constantly starting arguments... accused me throughout the relationship of cheating when I was not.

D&D, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. After reading through your other threads, I suspect they will. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, D&D.

[Downanddown]

D&D, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. After reading through your other threads, I suspect they will. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, D&D.

 

Hey DR, thanks for the response as I have read some of your posts as well.

 

I'd says about 12-13 of those signs were bang on. Especially 4 17 and 18.

 

Her sister is a bdper. Severe as well. Crazy outbursts and highly verbally abusive so i figured well my ex doesn't act like that so she just must have issues. But now that I think about it its probably more of a moderate case. But again. I'm no doctor so not here to diagnose someone.

 

Rebels thread is really eye opening. When treated well I felt like a king but never lasted a substantial amount of time. A few weeks would go by and then right back to the irrational arguments . I thought I was going crazy.

 

But I found I really only escalated with time. Not sure if that is a normal sign or not?

[Downanddown]

And number 3..extremly jealous

[Downtown]

I found I really only escalated with time. Not sure if that is a normal sign or not?

D&D, most of the people you see exhibiting strong BPD symptoms do not suffer from the lifetime disorder called "BPD." Instead, they are exhibiting temporary flareups of the normal BPD traits that we all have. The most common cause of such flareups is a hormone change (e.g., puberty, PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause -- or any other life event starting with the letter "p," LOL). The second-most-common cause is drug abuse. Some of those hormone events can produce strong BPD behaviors for 2 or 3 years and drug abuse can last even longer.

 

Yet, because you describe anger, impulsiveness, and jealousy issues that started at the beginning of your six-year R/S, and because serious drug abuse is not mentioned, you seem to be describing a pattern of BPD behaviors that may have started well before you met your exGF. I suspect this to be the case because your 8/27 post states "If i gave you a her back story of relationships u would wonder why the hell i got involved in the first place."

 

If she really is a moderate BPDer, as you suspect, she likely would have developed this problem before age five and the symptoms would have started showing in the early teens and grown worse from there. During courtship, you likely would not have seen the symptoms because her infatuation would have held her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay.

 

Yet, when that infatuation started to evaporate about 4 to 6 months later, you would have started triggering her fears and thus seeing her anger and jealousy. Over time, it typically gets worse in a R/S because a BPDer will increasingly resent your inability to make her happy (an impossible task) -- and will increasingly fear abandonment as she sees her body aging and sees you start to protect yourself by establishing stronger personal boundaries.

 

I'd says about 12-13 of those signs were bang on. Especially 4, 17, and 18.

Based on what you've said here, I would guess that trait #3 (irrational jealousy) and trait #9 (abandonment fear) are the very strongest symptoms you've talked about. When a person has a great fear of abandonment, she will see threats of abandonment where they don't even exist -- in common everyday events posing no threat whatsoever. This fear therefore most commonly is manifested outwardly in the "extreme jealousy" you have described.

 

Her sister is a bdper. Severe as well. Crazy outbursts and highly verbally abusive so i figured well my ex doesn't act like that so she just must have issues. But now that I think about it its probably more of a moderate case.

Perhaps so. Your exGF may be exhibiting only moderate BPD symptoms. Another possibility is that her BPD symptoms are just as strong as those of her sister but she tends to turn her anger inward during rages instead of outward. A small portion of BPDer -- called "quiet borderlines" and "waif borderlines" -- exhibit most BPD traits strongly but usually do not yell and scream. Instead, they defend themselves using passive-aggressive behavior and snarky remarks. And they may punish you with icy withdrawal.

 

But again. I'm no doctor so not here to diagnose someone.

You would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to be unable to spot strong BPD symptoms when they occur. But, as you correctly observe, only a professional can determine whether those strong traits are so severe as to constitute the full-blown lifetime disorder. There is a world of difference between spotting symptoms and making a diagnosis. For the purposes of deciding whether to marry someone, however, you don't need a diagnosis. If you are seeing strong and persistent symptoms of BPD, narcissism, or sociopathy, you should find a better marriage candidate.

 

A few weeks would go by and then right back to the irrational arguments . I thought I was going crazy.

Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason you become so disoriented and lost is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.