Is there hope for spouses who don't vacation together?

[lilypad10]

My husband and I are in our 30s, no children. After we got married 2 years ago, he became very involved in biking and skiing. This was not the case before we got married. In the summer, he spends 3 days a week with his bike group and one or two weekends a month. He works every other weekend. In the winter, he goes on 3 or 4 ski trips, each lasting about a week with his friends. I do not have any hobbies that take up multiple days of the week.

 

I don't go with him because these activities don't interest me and it wouldn't make sense to stay in a cabin alone for days on end. My interests are international travel, which I have cut back on significantly after we got married for the sake of the marriage. Once a year, I take a one-week trip with my mother. He does not care for international travel and is not particularly interested in going with me (or spending the money to go).

 

Should this bother me as much as it does? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Honestly, if I had known it would be this much of an obsession for him before we got married, I may have not gotten into the marriage. But here I am.

[BaileyB]

I feel like we have had this discussion before.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/615644-how-do-i-get-over-my-resentment-my-husband-s-vacations-without-me

 

My answer, I would be fine if my husband went on the occasional boys trip for a few days to bike or ski. But, I would also expect that we would have other vacations, together. The fact that you don't share any adventures together, would be a problem for me.

 

Your husband wants to be married and continue to enjoy the single lifestyle... I would not be ok with that.

[Els]

I wouldn't be okay with that. Some solo/guys/girls' vacations are okay, but I would want at least 50% of our leave/travel time to be spent together. We spend about 80% of ours' together, and most couples I know spend more than 50% of theirs together, too. Enjoying new experiences and places together is a big part of couple bonding, so it makes no sense to give it up completely unless you absolutely have to (e.g. some countries where workers aren't entitled to leave, or couples who cannot afford any vacations, neither of which is a situation you guys are in).

 

My interests are international travel, which I have cut back on significantly after we got married for the sake of the marriage.

 

Could you expound on this? Did he expect you to give them up even though he isn't giving his up?

[lilypad10]

@BaileyB: Yup, same issue ongoing. Do you think this is something I should just get over? It is such a big part of his personality now and I made a commitment to this man regardless of what is going on in our lives. He's not doing anything extreme - no abuse, no infidelity. So maybe I should just suck it up?

 

@Elswyth: no, he doesn't expect me to give anything up. He just wants to do his own thing and he's perfectly happy with me doing my own thing. Even if I took a week off a month to vacation with my mom, he wouldn't mind. He is not open to any discussion about his hobbies. He says it is something that is crucial to his happiness and is non-negotiable. And I can't really blame him for not wanting to take off for vacation time for travel that he isn't really interested in. Or can I?

Edited December 21, 2017 by lilypad10

[Els]

@BaileyB: Yup, same issue ongoing. Do you think this is something I should just get over? It is such a big part of his personality now and I made a commitment to this man regardless of what is going on in our lives. He's not doing anything extreme - no abuse, no infidelity. So maybe I should just suck it up?

 

@Elswyth: no, he doesn't expect me to give anything up. He just wants to do his own thing and he's perfectly happy with me doing my own thing. Even if I took a week off a month to vacation with my mom, he wouldn't mind. He is not open to any discussion about his hobbies. He says it is something that is crucial to his happiness and is non-negotiable. And I can't really blame him for not wanting to take off for vacation time for travel that he isn't really interested in. Or can I?

 

Tough question, really. What did you guys do together before you got married?

[lilypad10]

@Elswyth - it's important that you bring that up, actually. It comes down to finances. Before we got married, I would arrange and pay for all our vacations together. After we got married, neither one of us really thought it would make sense to dip into the joint account for vacations he's not interested in. If I paid for everything out of my own account again, he would have no problem going with me. He just doesn't want his money (in the joint account) going toward it. I'm not sure I can blame him too much for that. But I don't want to pay for him out of my own account when vacationing with me isn't a priority for him. He would rather have his own money go to the expenses (of which there are many) of maintaining his multiple bikes and of the annual ski pass and everything involved with out of state trips.

[central]

Take up a hobby near home that is dominated by single young men, and tell hubby that you're glad to have them to hang out with when he's away. He'll probably stay home more often, or go on more trips with you.

[lilypad10]

@central - love it! Hahaha. Yeah, I wish. I'm just not the kind of person that can spend a ton of time doing just one thing. I like variety in my life!

[central]

@central - love it! Hahaha. Yeah, I wish. I'm just not the kind of person that can spend a ton of time doing just one thing. I like variety in my life!

 

 

 

There'd be a variety of men! LOL

 

 

Or take up multiple activities: the gym, theatre company productions, hasher clubs, meetup groups, charity work, etc. Host some meetings at home. Just make sure there are lots of men involved.

[d0nnivain]

Compromise. Isn't there anything else to do where he's riding & skiing . . . shopping, exploring the town, something? Would he be willing to alternate or forgo his little ski trips in favor of a bigger international one so you could enjoy foreign travel?

[clia]

Where does he ski? There is a lot to do in some of the little ski towns other than ski -- like Whistler, Aspen, Park City, Lake Tahoe, etc. I don't really see why you would have to sit in a cabin by yourself. Or does he not want you there period?

 

Also, what about combining your interests into one trip -- for example, go to Switzerland or Italy and he can ski and you can get your international travel?

 

I personally find it strange that the two of you don't travel together ever and wouldn't want to be in a marriage like that.

[RecentChange]

I agree, there is some compromise in order.

 

I am in a similar position, in that my husband is really into mountain biking, BMX and motorcross and I can't stand two wheels (I tried, eventually he stopped buying me bikes!).

 

Even though I don't mountain bike, I join him on summer trips to the sierras. He goes and rides, I go and hike, or float on Lake Tahoe etc. Play with photography, see some local sights, I occupy myself.

 

We meet up for lunch perhaps, and definitely all hang out at the end of each day.

 

Some trips its just him and the boys, and others I go on.

 

He also goes snowboarding which isn't my jam. I go snowshoeing and other things and enjoy some winter snow.

 

That said, I have my own time consuming hobby, horseback riding, and at times I like it when he goes on his boys trips because it means I have more time to ride!

 

He often tells friends that one of our secrets to happiness is that we both have fulfilling hobbies apart from each other. He says "don't let your spouse be your hobby" - in that, avoid being attached at the hip and not having separate interest.

[BaileyB]

It comes down to finances. Before we got married, I would arrange and pay for all our vacations together. After we got married, neither one of us really thought it would make sense to dip into the joint account for vacations he's not interested in. If I paid for everything out of my own account again, he would have no problem going with me. He just doesn't want his money (in the joint account) going toward it. I'm not sure I can blame him too much for that. But I don't want to pay for him out of my own account when vacationing with me isn't a priority for him.

 

Do not pay for his vacations. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too!

 

I'm quite sure that there must be a compromise you can make. Surely, there is somewhere you would both like to go or something that you would both like to do together.

 

My issue wouldn't be the fact that he wants to pursue his own interests with his friends - it's healthy for SOME of that to occur in relationships.

 

My issue would be that traveling with you and sharing experiences with you is not his priority. I would demand some kind of compromise. You need to give a little - find an "activity" that you can do together on your travels. And he needs to give a little - time and money - to make some memories WITH you. This is what people who love each other do for the person they love...

[lilypad10]

@d0nnivain, clia, and RecentChange. All of your points are well-taken. I have been to the cities that they visit for their trips and have explored all I can there. They are not places that I find interesting after more than 1 or 2 visits there. Also, there is nothing wrong with his friends but they are not my people and I will never feel like I am a part of that group. Their relationships are highly dependent on their activities together and I will never be a part of that. So I don't feel obligated to go on his ski trips or biking trips with him. I would LOVE to go to Switzerland or Austria or Alberta so he can ski and I can enjoy the wonderful sites. But he says that he would rather spend the money on less expensive trips within the US because he feels that the skiing here is good enough for him and he doesn't feel the need to explore further. Also, the international trips would be without his friends and a big part of the ski experience for him is his friends.

[d0nnivain]

Make him understand that while the local trips may be good enough for his ski needs they are very bad -- harmful -- to his marital needs.

[lilypad10]

@d0nnivain - I have mentioned that and to him it sounds like I am jealous of his time with his friends. He also feels as if I am working against his independence.

[d0nnivain]

Wow. It seems to me like he has one foot out the door.

 

 

I'm all for working things out in a marriage . . . for better or worse & all that but you need a partner who cares about the marriage.

 

 

DH & I have different vacation preferences so we find ways to compromise. It's the only way it works.

[lilypad10]

@d0nnivain - yeah, that's what I thought last year when all of this started. But now I think he actually just wants to do his own thing with regard to his hobbies and not be questioned about it. I still feel that he is dedicated to being married -- but simultaneously doing his own thing. And letting me do my own thing. But I don't want to do my own thing! As much as I love my mom and traveling with her, I would love for him to come on trips abroad with me!

[BaileyB]

He also feels as if I am working against his independence.

 

That's the thing though, married people don't get to be independent. When he married you, he agreed to consider you in all decisions and share his life with you. If he wanted to do all his travel by himself, or with his friends, he should have stayed single.

 

Of course, he can keep his independence and enjoy the occasional trip with the boys. But, not at the expense of traveling and sharing experiences with you.

 

I have a feeling that this guy is going to learn this lesson the hard way, and he will be a great second husband... I say this only because, he has a lot to learn about the compromise required to have a good marriage.

[Els]

@Elswyth - it's important that you bring that up, actually. It comes down to finances. Before we got married, I would arrange and pay for all our vacations together. After we got married, neither one of us really thought it would make sense to dip into the joint account for vacations he's not interested in. If I paid for everything out of my own account again, he would have no problem going with me. He just doesn't want his money (in the joint account) going toward it. I'm not sure I can blame him too much for that. But I don't want to pay for him out of my own account when vacationing with me isn't a priority for him. He would rather have his own money go to the expenses (of which there are many) of maintaining his multiple bikes and of the annual ski pass and everything involved with out of state trips.

 

Oh. Wow. I'm not necessarily against using money to solve problems, but you have to be really careful to be sure that you're not just sweeping issues under the rug with it. Otherwise they'll inevitably rear their heads again later on, which is pretty much what's happening in your case now. This is something that should have been properly addressed before you married IMO.

 

Has he shown you in other ways that he prioritizes your marriage? It really concerns me that he seems to show zero desire in searching for a solution or a compromise that would make you happier. As long as HE'S happy, everything's hunky dory. It seems very selfish to me.

[BluEyeL]

You will grow apart if he doesn't prioritize keeping and growing the bond with you instead of with his buddies. Maybe marriage counseling? It seems to be an impossible situation.

[lilypad10]

I definitely contributed to the situation we're in by paying for all vacations at the beginning of our relationship. At that time I was making more money than he was and I thought it was the right thing to do. I agree that the money was able to cover up some deep issues for a little while. I can't think of any examples where he has prioritized the marriage over his needs. Maybe he has and just hasn't told me. He is resistant to marriage counseling. I think it is a great idea.

[BaileyB]

Well, of course he is resistant to marriage counselling. He's not going to appreciate hearing that he needs to grow up and be more considerate of your needs...

 

To me, he sounds like a little boy who has never grown up. Selfish, self centred, and entitled... Not such great qualities to have in a life partner.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He often tells friends that one of our secrets to happiness is that we both have fulfilling hobbies apart from each other. He says "don't let your spouse be your hobby" - in that, avoid being attached at the hip and not having separate interest.

 

I definitely agree with this, but this advice is so very dependent on personality type and how independent you are as a person. Since OP's husband didn't start these time consuming hobbies until after they were married, I totally understand why she doesn't like it.

[BettyDraper]

I agree, there is some compromise in order.

 

I am in a similar position, in that my husband is really into mountain biking, BMX and motorcross and I can't stand two wheels (I tried, eventually he stopped buying me bikes!).

 

Even though I don't mountain bike, I join him on summer trips to the sierras. He goes and rides, I go and hike, or float on Lake Tahoe etc. Play with photography, see some local sights, I occupy myself.

 

We meet up for lunch perhaps, and definitely all hang out at the end of each day.

 

Some trips its just him and the boys, and others I go on.

 

He also goes snowboarding which isn't my jam. I go snowshoeing and other things and enjoy some winter snow.

 

That said, I have my own time consuming hobby, horseback riding, and at times I like it when he goes on his boys trips because it means I have more time to ride!

 

He often tells friends that one of our secrets to happiness is that we both have fulfilling hobbies apart from each other. He says "don't let your spouse be your hobby" - in that, avoid being attached at the hip and not having separate interest.

 

I love the way you and your hubby compromise. It's good to occupy ourselves when our husbands are enjoying their hobbies.

 

I'm starting riding lessons in the spring! I'm very excited about that.