Is there hope for spouses who don't vacation together?

[Els]

I definitely contributed to the situation we're in by paying for all vacations at the beginning of our relationship. At that time I was making more money than he was and I thought it was the right thing to do. I agree that the money was able to cover up some deep issues for a little while. I can't think of any examples where he has prioritized the marriage over his needs. Maybe he has and just hasn't told me. He is resistant to marriage counseling. I think it is a great idea.

 

That's very sad. How long have you two been married for? It's possible that this may not be worth saving. Definitely don't have children and don't even risk pregnancy until this has been resolved.

 

I definitely agree with this, but this advice is so very dependent on personality type and how independent you are as a person. Since OP's husband didn't start these time consuming hobbies until after they were married, I totally understand why she doesn't like it.

 

I don't think the issue in this case is that he has hobbies of his own - IMO the issue is that ALL his leave/spending money/spare time goes to those hobbies and he isn't interested in putting any of it into his marriage. That would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, I think.

[Danika]

You two sound incompatible. Do you think you can live the rest of your life like this? If you've talked about things and no compromise has been made, you just have to accept or I guess move on!

[anna121]

He sounds quite rigid in his views, ie., about the money, about travelling outside the US and about independence. Yuck.

 

I'm as independent as they come. Last year I went to Spain and New Orleans w/o my hubby. He wasn't able to come to Spain (I went with my brother and a best friend), and NOLA was totally a girlfriend trip. He just came back from celebrating a friend's 40th bday in Japan. In the split between who travels, for fun, without the other, it's definitely 70-30 me.

 

Here's the thing, tho. We ALSO plan TONS of trips together, not based on one person's hobby, but just to get away and experience something as a couple. Also, we are very open to the other joining if they want to - tho neither of us would insist on joining what are obviously single-sex getaways for birthdays.

 

As independent as I am, your H's travel schedule would be unacceptable to me unless we had the kind of lifestyle where we could, basically, travel 30% of the time. I mean....that is ALOT of travel not only w/o you, but with absolutely no thought to your preferences and needs as a couple.

 

Our separate travel never makes my H or me feel that the other isn't a priority. If it did, the amount of travel that we do would be unhealthy. It sounds unhealthy for you.

 

It also sounds like you are conflict avoidant. That won't help you figure out a marital framework that makes you BOTH happy.

[road]

I do not think that his friends just started skiing and biking

after you go married.

 

I think your Husband did these things before he courted

you. Just that he put these things on hold. Now married

and he has you "under contract" he has gone back to

his old hobbies.

 

Sofa slugs do not magically become Johnny can't sit still

over night. I think this husband has pulled the old bait and

switch.

 

Also I do not like separate money. Until direct deposit I never

signed my own pay checks. Just handed them over to her.

 

I have read at least two dozen stories where the WS and their

AP belonged to the same bicycle club, then affair stories that

involved running clubs, bowling and softball leagues.

 

Then these ski trips will be him and his friends hanging out

at bars, and your husband will be doing his best to be a good

wing man for his buddies.

 

Another example of do not marry people that have hobbies

that neither one will do for the other.

 

Separate vacations are not how relationship bonds are kept

strong.

 

Divorce is the only option for you have no kids, still young to

find a better mate.

 

What is the point of going to work on to spend your free time

apart?

 

Well for your part time husband he does not have to worry about

meals week days, and there will always be clean clothes for

him to take when he leaves for his separate holidays. And then

his wife there to clean them when he returns.

[lilypad10]

anna121 - your life is what I strive for. It is definitely very healthy to have your own hobbies and do your own thing. And you've managed a great balance. I have my own travel, he has his, and we are not meeting in the middle for much of anything. I crave that mutual experience that has nothing to do with either person's hobbies!

[salparadise]

My suggestion would be to compromise. Since he's doing many trips year round, I'd say here's the deal... we do at least a summer trip and a winter trip together, and we'll choose locations that we both enjoy. If he's resistant to that, you have a bigger problem. Tell him not to be a fool–– it will be in his own best interest to nourish the marriage.

[cabbageman]

I don't see the big deal. His money=his choice. Your money=your choice.

 

The notion that married couples always have to travel together is gross and clingy to an introvert like me. Especially when you have different interests.

 

If you want to go on vacations together then plan it with him, make it happen. He could probably cut down a bit...skiing a week at a time 4 times a winter is quite a lot, he must really like it or be rich lol. But you see I am the guy that used to go fishing every single day before our daughter was born. I'd wake up at 2am, go fishing until 5am, have a nap, and wake up to go to work at 8. My gf would get upset, not because of how I was going daily, but my commitment to fishing was bigger then her. But rightfully so, catching a fish is way more exciting then love! So is skiing down a dangerous hill! So just give him his space and focus on you, find a new hobby or something. But yeah if he's not willing to make plans with you then there's a problem.

 

Personally I need seperate vacations with the boys, it is crucial to my survival.

[carhill]

OP, if you had to put a number to the time in conflict, what would it be, as a percentage of your total time as a married couple per year?

 

Then, take a look at the other part, the part not in the conflict outlined in this thread. How does it go?

 

IMO, each couple defines the parameters of their marriage. It's their marriage. What works for them might be completely outlandish to me and vice versa. If you and he are unwilling or unable to come to a mutually agreeable compromise, something where both give and both get and can accept the result as positive and healthy, then like our MC opined, eh you have a decision to make.

[elaine567]

My husband and I are in our 30s, no children. After we got married 2 years ago, he became very involved in biking and skiing. This was not the case before we got married. In the summer, he spends 3 days a week with his bike group and one or two weekends a month. He works every other weekend. In the winter, he goes on 3 or 4 ski trips, each lasting about a week with his friends. I do not have any hobbies that take up multiple days of the week.

 

I don't go with him because these activities don't interest me and it wouldn't make sense to stay in a cabin alone for days on end. My interests are international travel, which I have cut back on significantly after we got married for the sake of the marriage. Once a year, I take a one-week trip with my mother. He does not care for international travel and is not particularly interested in going with me (or spending the money to go).

 

Should this bother me as much as it does? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Honestly, if I had known it would be this much of an obsession for him before we got married, I may have not gotten into the marriage. But here I am.

 

You have no kids and you want a man to go places with, to share a life with, This guy ain't it.

He is never going to like doing the stuff you like, so it is pointless trying to make him go with you.

 

You need to make a hard choice before you have kids and are then stuck with the kids whilst he uses them as an opportunity to spend even more time with his sporty friends and you are left home alone.

Whoever mentioned he is not only biking and skiing here is spot on. Socialising is a huge part of these sports and with skiing the apres ski can be wild. He is basically acting like a single guy again...

[BettyDraper]

I don't see the big deal. His money=his choice. Your money=your choice.

 

The notion that married couples always have to travel together is gross and clingy to an introvert like me. Especially when you have different interests.

 

If you want to go on vacations together then plan it with him, make it happen. He could probably cut down a bit...skiing a week at a time 4 times a winter is quite a lot, he must really like it or be rich lol. But you see I am the guy that used to go fishing every single day before our daughter was born. I'd wake up at 2am, go fishing until 5am, have a nap, and wake up to go to work at 8. My gf would get upset, not because of how I was going daily, but my commitment to fishing was bigger then her. But rightfully so, catching a fish is way more exciting then love! So is skiing down a dangerous hill! So just give him his space and focus on you, find a new hobby or something. But yeah if he's not willing to make plans with you then there's a problem.

 

Personally I need seperate vacations with the boys, it is crucial to my survival.

 

Marriage is about compromise and sharing most aspects of life including finances.

 

If catching a fish or skiing is more exciting than love, then either the couple has a problem or one person in the relationship is selfish.

 

There's nothing "gross" about being mindful of your partner's feelings.

It's actually mature and thoughtful.

[carhill]

So, it's winter and new years in a couple days. Where's H and when is his next trip?

[sandylee1]

I'm struggling to see the point of being married to him tbh.

 

I think I commented on your previous thread and your relationship isn't hunky dory when he's not on vacation.

 

No kids....you're financially independent...no need to hang around and put up with this.

[lilypad10]

Cabbageman - I definitely agree with you that it's important for each person to have their own thing going on. And I think he would agree with you that skiing is more exciting than a relationship. But I disagree that I need to "give him his space" when it means that we vacation once a year together and he spends his 4 or 5 other vacations without me. Or when he spends every weekend off biking and is too tired to really enjoy going out to dinner with me. That's just not the definition of a relationship to me.

 

Carhill -- good point. Our day to day life is fine. It is not contentious. We don't have little arguments. We get along well. I get a hug and a kiss a day, which is all the affection I need. That being said, I would not say he goes out of his way to make me feel like I am a valued part of his life on a day-to-day basis. He has 3 more ski trips planned for this winter. We have made no plans to do anything together. I have kind of given up on it, to be honest.

 

BettyDraper - I really do feel that way. That these activities shouldn't be more important than love. But like Cabbageman said, there are some people who just prefer it. And I guess I have to live with that or pack up.

 

Sandylee1 - rationally, it makes the most sense for me to just exit the relationship. But emotionally it is very difficult.

[BettyDraper]

Cabbageman - I definitely agree with you that it's important for each person to have their own thing going on. And I think he would agree with you that skiing is more exciting than a relationship. But I disagree that I need to "give him his space" when it means that we vacation once a year together and he spends his 4 or 5 other vacations without me. Or when he spends every weekend off biking and is too tired to really enjoy going out to dinner with me. That's just not the definition of a relationship to me.

 

Carhill -- good point. Our day to day life is fine. It is not contentious. We don't have little arguments. We get along well. I get a hug and a kiss a day, which is all the affection I need. That being said, I would not say he goes out of his way to make me feel like I am a valued part of his life on a day-to-day basis. He has 3 more ski trips planned for this winter. We have made no plans to do anything together. I have kind of given up on it, to be honest.

 

BettyDraper - I really do feel that way. That these activities shouldn't be more important than love. But like Cabbageman said, there are some people who just prefer it. And I guess I have to live with that or pack up.

 

Sandylee1 - rationally, it makes the most sense for me to just exit the relationship. But emotionally it is very difficult.

 

What makes sense is rarely what our heart wants. Don't beat yourself up.

If you aren't ready to leave, then you can suggest marriage counseling or write your husband a heartfelt letter about your feelings.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lilypad, after going through your thread and especially reading your last response, I get the impression that you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Your husband comes across as someone who is utterly selfish and self centered. He couldn't care less about you or your feelings. You could have an affair on him( maybe that would be a good idea- not serious though) and he wouldn't blink an eyelid. He is just too wrapped up in himself and after he's had his shindig of the moment he comes back to collapse in the comfort of your home kept warm and cozy for him. No worries for him. The payoff for you is a hug and and a kiss( perfunctory one at that) a day and he expects you to be in cloud nine. You are basically his housekeeper and maid.

 

Cut the umbilical cord and get out of this dysfunctional marriage. Look for somebody who shares your interests and lead a happy and satisfying life, not one where you are living a Cinderella like existence.

 

As far as Cabbageman's rationale is concerned it is no wonder his GF was just a GF and now an ex GF. If fishing is more important than love one might as well make love to a mermaid! Why marry or want to have a relationship with a member of the opposite sex and especially so if one is introverted, when one can live a happy life hooking fish and enjoying solitude. It isn't fair on the other person and one should not lock another person with entirely different tastes and desires into what is essentially a loveless union. Just thinking aloud.

[Popsicle]

First talk to him and tell him exactly what you need. Pretty sure he’s going to blow you off and not listen.

 

From there, I’d Take central’s advice and also travel internationally alone or with other friends.

[sandylee1]

It seems like he just wants someone to share bills with.

 

Life is way too short to live like this. Do you want to be saying the same thing in 5 years time?

 

It sounds like a sexless and pointless union of two people tbh.

[stillafool]

Is there hope for spouses who don't vacation together?

 

Of course. There are many couples who never take a vacation because they can't afford it.

[elaine567]

Unfortunately this is not just the vacations, as maybe a compromise could be reached there.

It is the whole week in week out, weekend in, weekend out prioritising of his friends, whilst the OP is left alone.

The OP is not asking for some stifling, joined at the hip arrangement, she just wants some companionship.

As most get married to spend some quality time with their SO, it is not an unreasonable request.

She is essentially single, without any of the benefits of singlehood.

[Els]

Cabbageman - I definitely agree with you that it's important for each person to have their own thing going on. And I think he would agree with you that skiing is more exciting than a relationship. But I disagree that I need to "give him his space" when it means that we vacation once a year together and he spends his 4 or 5 other vacations without me. Or when he spends every weekend off biking and is too tired to really enjoy going out to dinner with me. That's just not the definition of a relationship to me.

 

Carhill -- good point. Our day to day life is fine. It is not contentious. We don't have little arguments. We get along well. I get a hug and a kiss a day, which is all the affection I need. That being said, I would not say he goes out of his way to make me feel like I am a valued part of his life on a day-to-day basis. He has 3 more ski trips planned for this winter. We have made no plans to do anything together. I have kind of given up on it, to be honest.

 

BettyDraper - I really do feel that way. That these activities shouldn't be more important than love. But like Cabbageman said, there are some people who just prefer it. And I guess I have to live with that or pack up.

 

Sandylee1 - rationally, it makes the most sense for me to just exit the relationship. But emotionally it is very difficult.

 

If it helps, I literally don't know ANY couple that spends 100% of their vacation time apart. If you aren't going to spend any time together or make each other a priority, there isn't much point in being in a romantic relationship IMO. Introversion isn't a reason - the SO and I are both introverts and still very much enjoy doing things together.

 

What are the good parts about him? Why would you stay with a man who doesn't and has never made you a priority? Not a rhetorical question, genuinely curious.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lilypad, you've had an outpouring of advice and opinions all basically telling you the same thing, that your current arrangement cannot work out long time. Your pairing is like that of an elephant and a lion. It is completely incompatible. Not only that, your husband is not prepared to give an inch in your relationship and that leaves no hope for the survival of the marriage.

 

You should wake up and smell the coffee while it's hot rather than wait a fee years and then do the same thing. Warm wishes.