have long term girlfriend but attracted to coworker

[idrather_hidemyname]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a girlfriend whom I love. We've been together for 6 years now. The past few years have not been too easy because we were apart (different countries) for one year and more recently for a couple of months (we are academics, these periods might be a thing). Until now we have endured because we were always looking forward to be with each other, but the decision of were to study or live has been tough on us.

 

I've recently come across an important decision for my future as a PhD student, which involves staying in a country for many years. Because my girlfriend's decision to stay in this country was somewhat risky in terms of professional success, she felt insecure and said a few things which hurt me quite a bit. Not only that, I didn't feel like I had a lot of her support throughout my turn of making a PhD decision. I still decided to swallow my pride and value or relationship more than anything, but I still felt alone.

 

However, as you may already have guessed from the title, something came up. During this time I met a coworker for whom I felt immediately attracted to, physically. I didn't pay a lot of attention because I've come to realize that these things can happen especially in a long distance relationship but eventually go away. So I brushed it off. But while I was struggling with my professional decision, I talked with this girl quite a bit and felt she understood what I was going through and supported me. Still brushing it off.

 

Now comes the worst part. This girl is pretty. Another coworker (close to us) started hitting on her. And that is upsetting me. I was not expecting that. The fact that this happened is killing me inside. Not only I think about her continuously, but I also feel jealous and this is not supposed to happen! I feel bad that I'm getting jealous over someone who is not my girlfriend...

 

Meanwhile my girlfriend is back and we're living together. We've always been honest to each other and I had to tell her I feel hurt about the things she said and that I'm getting confused about my feelings. But I just can't tell her about the other girl... This would wreck my girlfriend and ruin our relationship beyond repair.

 

I just wish I could stop feeling these things for my coworker. This is tearing me and I'm not sure what to do anymore...

 

Any advice please? Thank you...

[Nilfiry]

I say go for the tried and true lover of 6 years over the new girl that you just met.

 

You are just infatuated over the new girl, especially coming from some bad experiences with your current one, but giving up the girl that you know well and love for someone that you do not know much about is a bad idea.

 

So you leave your beloved girl to try and get with this new girl over one disagreement. If you succeed, great. Now you get to repeat the same process of finding out whether you can live with this new girl all over again. If not, then you get left with nothing. If you fail to get with the new girl, then, well, you also get left with nothing. Actually, I take it back, you will feel miserable for both giving up on your previous girl and losing out on the new one, so...yay for you!

 

On the other hand, you have this girl whom has been with you for 6 years, that you clearly love, and has stuck with you through a few things it seems. So you got into a big disagreement. It is not like you cannot work things out. I honestly think you should be playing it safe and try to work things out with your current girl. Do not let the new one tempt you into leaving things so easily.

[d0nnivain]

I suspect part of it is that you are lonely. Being in a relationship isn't all that if you rarely get to see the other person.

 

 

Have a long talk with your GF about your futures, recognizing that love does not conquer all. If you can't work out a resolution that offers you both fulfilling careers in the same place, end things already so you are both free to pursue others who are more geographically compatible with each of you.

[idrather_hidemyname]

Thank you both for your comments!

 

Have a long talk with your GF about your futures, recognizing that love does not conquer all. If you can't work out a resolution that offers you both fulfilling careers in the same place, end things already so you are both free to pursue others who are more geographically compatible with each of you.

 

You hit spot on one of the main things we've talked about for the past couple of years or so. It's a work in progress and we've been trying to find such a place.

 

Nilfiry: That's a very straightforward way to put things and sort out emotions. You're good at this . I do want to stay with my girlfriend, and I am somehow calmer about this situation.

 

Will keep you posted on any developments

[Maggie4]

Crushes do go away. We've all experienced it. It can be intense at the moment, but often a distraction or change in your life breaks the spell and you lose interest.

[kendahke]

Anytime anyone talks about being/feeling confused, it's because there is someone else to whom they've given access to their intimacy. It never fails.

 

If your girlfriend wrote this to us, what would you want us to tell her to do as far as you were concerned?

[bachdude]

Op, it isn’t really fair to compare the lack of support you feel from your current GF of 6 years to the support you feel from your coworker who has absolutely zero investment

 

You have no idea how supportive your coworker would be of your studies, especially if it meant being apart. It’s easy for her to support you now - no big deal. What’s there for her to lose?

[idrather_hidemyname]

Maggie4: True. I've experience this before. It's just that the emotional side, rather that the physical one, caught me a bit off guard.

 

Kendahke: I guess I'm to blame in letting someone else in my intimacy, in this case an important decision. But this is something I'm used to confide with friends. But I didn't (and wouldn't) mention issues with my girlfriend or anything like that to someone I just met. That's something I keep within my closest friend circle. For the second question: well I would like you to tell her to try and sort things out with her boyfriend. Even if it means explaining the situation. It would hurt me but at least we could work through it together.

 

bachdude: That's true. The lack of support would not feel as bad if my girlfriend didn't say those things which hurt me. But we've sorted that out now. I get your point on risk and support.

 

I'm now hoping this crush feeling will go away. Not really sure on how to approach this - this girl and I will probably be working together for a while... Any ideas?

 

By the way, thanks everyone. It's the first time I've asked something like this in a forum. I guess hiding my identity behind a keyboard helps a lot with exposing the situation honestly.

 

Merry Christmas

[Hopeful30]

Be honest with your girlfriend, but don't be confused about what to be honest about.

 

This isn't about you being attracted to another woman and being jealous. This is about you not being as much in this relationship as you used to be. In other words, your commitment to her is fading. We are always attracted to other people when in relationships, but that's easy to let pass because we understand that this attraction is trivial compared to the deeper roots we have in our relationships.

 

Bro just be straight up. Tell her you're losing faith in this relationship, and that you're tempted to stray. Tell her you've been interested in other women, which further confirms how NOT into this relationship you are. Don't be specific about your coworker, this will mess her up about all coworkers in the future. It will just plant an unnecessary weed in her mind. It isn't about the coworker anyways. It's about your heart not being in this relationship.

 

How you justify that doesn't really matter. If you want out, then get out. Listen to your inner compass.

Edited December 24, 2017 by Hopeful30

[idrather_hidemyname]

Hopeful30: Don't get me wrong. I understand being attracted to someone else, but that's a long shot from being tempted to stray. While I admit feeling attracted to this girl, I'm not the type to cheat on my girlfriend and haven't acted upon this crush or anything.

 

I do realize this means something's wrong with me in my relationship and that's something I'm trying to work on.

[she'stheone]

Most long term relationships have their ups and downs. It's working through the rough patches that helps us grow.

 

Sometimes that growth leads to a stronger, healthier, more loving relationship. Other times it leads to going your separate ways.

 

I think your relationship is probably at this crossroad.

 

We all need to feel supported in our relationships, men and women alike. When we don't, we begin to resent our partners. This is why good communication is so important.

 

First, I think you need to figure out what it is you want in the way of support as well as what your girlfriend can do to show you that support. Once you know that you can talk to her.

 

Maybe she can't give you the support you want and need. The growth comes from learning what you want and need so you can move on and have a relationship with mutual love and respect with someone.

 

If she can give you what you want and need then the growth comes from a better relationship.

 

In regards to your co-worker, as men, we can get confused by our emotions, especially when it comes to women. We become attracted physically first then later we have an emotional connection.

 

Sometimes, we men forget that (or never even realized it) and think a physical attraction is more than it really is. Especially when we feel unsupported in our present relationship.

 

After six years, you owe it to yourself (and to your girlfriend) to figure out what you want and if you can get it (or even want it) from your present girlfriend.

 

The jealousy thing is probably because you're at this crossroad and you don't know what to do.

 

Again, figure out what you want and if your present girlfriend can give it to you. Then go talk with her about it.

 

Once you resolve out your present relationship you can address the situation with your co-worker.

 

Sending you much love and light.

[Kevinehv]

Many of us have been there; being infatuated with a co-worker (while in a relationship). Hell, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere it's the cause of most break ups.

 

What you need to understand is that most (if not every) relationship goes through bad periodes. They seem to happen mostly around the 3 year, 6 year mark etc.

In my past relationship I was the one who was infatuated with a co-worker but eventually decided I loved my ex too much but after 6 years, you guessed it, my ex was the one who got infatuated with a co-worker and this ended up badly.

 

Anyways, obviously someone new is always exciting. I know, I'm experiencing it myself at the moment. It does however not mean that this person is better than your current girlfriend is. Sometimes it's clear she is not but you are infatuated...

 

At the moment there are also a few other factors playing a role. Your girlfriend is currently not near you. This is also why many long distance relationships don't work in the long run because suddenly the temptation for other people is there.

 

Another factor is the jealousy at work, I can also relate to. If she looks good men are always on the prowl to try to get with her. Especially if you work in a mainly male dominated environment since this makes you want to dominate the other males by trying to get with this woman.

 

I do not really know how you should handle the jealousy. Not seeing this woman is the easiest but often not possible at work. If she gets with another guy or rejects you it will be hard for a few days but eventually you get used to it. The hardest is if she stays single and also does not reject you.

 

In the end you should always do what's best for you. If you are really sure this new girl is a better fit than your current you should go with her.

[SpecialJ]

Have you considered going to couples counseling to improve your communication with your girlfriend in general and help you figure out both of your long-term needs (as it relates to your program / where you live / how much distance you can tolerate)? The emotional attraction to the coworker, as you said, is a symptom that something is wrong, but you're not choosing to acting on it yet. That's a good thing and indicates you are still committed, and there's still room to work on this. After six years, as long as you two still care about each other and haven't hit a dealbreaker impasse, I think you'll regret it if you don't at least try to work through it as best you can before calling it quits for someone else. You should definitely figure this out while you two are in the same place before you finalize your joint decisions (I was a little unclear if you'd already decided about the PhD program or not, sounded like not yet).

 

I don't think you should tell your girlfriend that you're seriously attracted to other women yet because that will make her really insecure, probably physically/sexually. If she did take the news that way, it would make it harder to patch up the real issues because it's introducing a different problem than the one that's causing you to feel more distant from your gf emotionally. I'd focus being open and honest by taking on your issues with distance, feeling unsupported, and discussing what you both need in the relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Lovedianaroses]

I can completely understand your situation because I was on the same boat as you earlier this year. I was in a serious relationship, though it wasn't as long as yours, where we lived together and was totally dependent on each other. However, I felt that we were getting too comfortable with each other and didn't go on nice dates anymore, etc. When I started a new job, I was immediately attracted to a coworker who was very driven, competent, and kind and became infatuated.

 

I know that most people say crushes will go away and that infatuation isn't "love" and all that nonsense, but I realized that the biggest issue was not that I wanted to consider my coworker as a potential future partner or love interest, but the mere FACT that I was infatuated in the first place. It was not even about the coworker being super special or "better" than my ex. I realized that the fact that I was attracted to another man and started imagining what my life would be like with him meant that I was unsatisfied and unfulfilled in my current relationship. If it was just simple attraction, it could be natural. But intense attraction and infatuation means there's a more serious problem.

 

In the end, I decided to end my relationship with my ex, not because I wanted to get together with my crush, but because I realized I just wasn't happy. Did I puruse a relationship with my coworker afterwards? No, I did not. I've been spending time getting my independence back and feeling much happier as a person. My advice to you is to really evaluate your feelings for your girlfriend and consider the intensity of your attraction to your coworker. If indeed you think you'll be happier staying with your current girlfriend, then by all means try to make it work. But if you feel unfulfilled, maybe it's time to reconsider your relationship before you emotionally/physically cheat. For me, I felt like my infatuation was a form of or the starting phase of emotional cheating so I didn't feel ok continuing to do that to my partner, but then again, we each have differing perspectives. What's important is how you really feel about your happiness.

[idrather_hidemyname]

Hey everyone. OP here, bringing an update.

 

But first I'd like to thank she'stheone, Kevinehv, SpecialJ and Lovedianaroses for your feedback.

 

Meanwhile my girlfriend is back and we're living together (just to clarify, we were already living together before she went abroad). My decision regarding professional choice was to stay.

 

I love my girlfriend too much to split up, and together we've been working on our relationship issues of being separated and hurting each other. I've told her how bad I felt with the things she said, she says she didn't mean it and wants me to be happy. Things are feeling way better between us, which helps a lot.

 

However, I just couldn't mention feeling attracted to other people. I'm just not sure how to approach the situation.

I'll have to work with this coworker realistically for a few years at least. The crush feeling is not as strong as before, but I have no way to tell (not keen to test it either!).

 

I'm not sure how to proceed from here, because the though of my coworker crosses my mind from time to time and I feel bothered by it. Should I just way for it to go away? Any lights on this?

 

Thanks...

 

[On a final note, I'm surprised this happens to so many of us, but hearing how most of you choose to overcome things is inspiring]

[idrather_hidemyname]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm bringing this up again over despair more than anything else.

 

To recap, I'm living with my girlfriend, and I though if we worked through our problems together, my attraction towards this coworker would go away naturally (I'm too naive).

 

In the beginning (my last post), this seemed to be the case. However, now that things have settled a bit with my girlfriend, I seem to be even more infatuated over this girl than before... I have a hard time focusing at work, the jealousy is still there and I feel like **** over this. I'm just really confused about my feelings.

 

I have no idea how to approach the situation. Realistically I'll have to work with this girl for the next few years, and keeping my distance is hard mostly because we work directly together but also because, tbh, I feel compelled to be with her (which, once again, makes me feel like ****)

 

I can't bring myself to talk to my girlfriend about this - and she knows somethings really off about me. Giving it some time doesn't seem to be very proactive... What to do?...

[olivetree]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm bringing this up again over despair more than anything else.

 

To recap, I'm living with my girlfriend, and I though if we worked through our problems together, my attraction towards this coworker would go away naturally (I'm too naive).

 

In the beginning (my last post), this seemed to be the case. However, now that things have settled a bit with my girlfriend, I seem to be even more infatuated over this girl than before... I have a hard time focusing at work, the jealousy is still there and I feel like **** over this. I'm just really confused about my feelings.

 

I have no idea how to approach the situation. Realistically I'll have to work with this girl for the next few years, and keeping my distance is hard mostly because we work directly together but also because, tbh, I feel compelled to be with her (which, once again, makes me feel like ****)

 

I can't bring myself to talk to my girlfriend about this - and she knows somethings really off about me. Giving it some time doesn't seem to be very proactive... What to do?...

 

Imagine your gf telling you she no longer wants to be with you and feeling the pain of losing her, your memories, your future.

 

Do you think that you would still feel attracted to this other girl?

 

Do you even know this other girl well enough to really like who she is?

[kendahke]

Kendahke: I guess I'm to blame in letting someone else in my intimacy, in this case an important decision. But this is something I'm used to confide with friends. But I didn't (and wouldn't) mention issues with my girlfriend or anything like that to someone I just met. That's something I keep within my closest friend circle. For the second question:

 

I only wrote one question:

If your girlfriend wrote this to us, what would you want us to tell her to do as far as you were concerned?

 

well I would like you to tell her to try and sort things out with her boyfriend. Even if it means explaining the situation. It would hurt me but at least we could work through it together.

 

Then figure out how to deal with the hurt and do what is right. It doesn't involve the distraction of a new person, either. It's time for the disinfectant of sunlight here. Be fair, because right now, you're not being fair.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, are there ways to limit your interactions with this coworker? You need to be tossing cold water on any opportunities for your crush to flourish.

 

I understand that you'll inevitably be working together in some capacity, but anything beyond that you need to cut out. No conversations, emails, texts—no interactions of any kind—unless they're strictly about work. No following each other on social media. No social engagements unless they're mandatory events you must attend as colleagues. (And even those, skip as many as you possibly can, or try to attend with your GF at your side.)

 

For example, you shouldn't even have enough knowledge of this woman's social life to realize someone else is pursuing her. Her romantic pursuits should be none of your business.

 

All of this is easier said than done, I realize. Crushes are mentally tantalizing things. But if you're committed to remaining in this relationship with your GF—which it sounds like you are—this is the type of hard work and discipline you must put in to kill off the crush.

[smackie9]

Stop day dreaming and fantasizing about her and preoccupy your time with something else. You are addicted, and you need to acknowledge your addiction. You just may have to think about working at another branch, or finding other employment if you are serious about this.

[BaileyB]

Feelings are just that, feelings. Fleeting. Here one minute. Gone the next.

 

You can throw away what you have with your girlfriend because you have fleeting feelings for another woman if you want... But, I would not advise it.

 

The reality of the situation is that you have a relationship and have built a life with your girlfriend. You are infatuated and fantasizing about this other woman.

 

Find something else to do to distract you. Or better yet, focus on your relationship with your girlfriend - take her on a date, cook her a meal, go away for the weekend. Your feelings for this woman will pass, as they always do...

[Red_54]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm bringing this up again over despair more than anything else.

 

To recap, I'm living with my girlfriend, and I though if we worked through our problems together, my attraction towards this coworker would go away naturally (I'm too naive).

 

In the beginning (my last post), this seemed to be the case. However, now that things have settled a bit with my girlfriend, I seem to be even more infatuated over this girl than before... I have a hard time focusing at work, the jealousy is still there and I feel like **** over this. I'm just really confused about my feelings.

 

I have no idea how to approach the situation. Realistically I'll have to work with this girl for the next few years, and keeping my distance is hard mostly because we work directly together but also because, tbh, I feel compelled to be with her (which, once again, makes me feel like ****)

 

I can't bring myself to talk to my girlfriend about this - and she knows somethings really off about me. Giving it some time doesn't seem to be very proactive... What to do?...

 

I feel your pain. I am in a very similar situation and am trying to deal with it myself. I actually went out of my way to accept a different account in the company I work for to be away from this man. What started as a lust and infatuation has totally snowballed into more and it's the worst feeling especially when you are in a long term committed relationship.

 

Now, I am in no position to give advise because I am obviously still struggling and turning to these forums for help but I can definitely empathize with you and share my experience.

 

When we fall for other people while we are still in relationships I think it's because there is a void that we are trying to fill, some need that is not being met in our current relationship. I encourage you to truthfully evaluate your situation and try to figure out what that need is and if it is something you can work on or if the feelings are just gone. It's hard, I am still not sure what mine are but I know that I'm missing something. Try not to get to much in your head and if you can, find someone (trustworthy and outside of these forums, in the real world) to talk to and to help you through the moments of weakness where your emotions take over and you just HAVE to walk by her office, or text her "about work" or find a reason to see her. I have a close friend who has been my voice of reason when I feel frustrated and feel like my hormones are getting the better of me.

 

I'm having a hard time talking to my SO about what has been going on as well and my solution to it (probably not the best idea) was to take some space from each other. He is staying at a friends house for a few weeks. You didn't make it clear (or I didn't read back far enough) if this co-worker is interested in you at all? Have you guys crossed any kind of line or is it just a crush on your end? I always told myself, I just wish I knew if the feeling was mutual, then I would feel validated and could move on and get over it. WRONG. I recently found out the feeling is mutual and it has only complicated my emotions more, so theres that.

 

I have been thinking about this Johnny Depp quote I (ironically) shared with a friend years ago, "if you love two people at the same time, chose the second one because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second one." It feels ****ty, yes. It makes you feel like a terrible person, yes. But you need to do what makes you happy in life. I truly wish you the best whatever you decide to do. It really is a frustratingly negative situation to navigate. Keep us posted.

[olivetree]

I feel your pain. I am in a very similar situation and am trying to deal with it myself. I actually went out of my way to accept a different account in the company I work for to be away from this man. What started as a lust and infatuation has totally snowballed into more and it's the worst feeling especially when you are in a long term committed relationship.

 

Now, I am in no position to give advise because I am obviously still struggling and turning to these forums for help but I can definitely empathize with you and share my experience.

 

When we fall for other people while we are still in relationships I think it's because there is a void that we are trying to fill, some need that is not being met in our current relationship. I encourage you to truthfully evaluate your situation and try to figure out what that need is and if it is something you can work on or if the feelings are just gone. It's hard, I am still not sure what mine are but I know that I'm missing something. Try not to get to much in your head and if you can, find someone (trustworthy and outside of these forums, in the real world) to talk to and to help you through the moments of weakness where your emotions take over and you just HAVE to walk by her office, or text her "about work" or find a reason to see her. I have a close friend who has been my voice of reason when I feel frustrated and feel like my hormones are getting the better of me.

 

I'm having a hard time talking to my SO about what has been going on as well and my solution to it (probably not the best idea) was to take some space from each other. He is staying at a friends house for a few weeks. You didn't make it clear (or I didn't read back far enough) if this co-worker is interested in you at all? Have you guys crossed any kind of line or is it just a crush on your end? I always told myself, I just wish I knew if the feeling was mutual, then I would feel validated and could move on and get over it. WRONG. I recently found out the feeling is mutual and it has only complicated my emotions more, so theres that.

 

I have been thinking about this Johnny Depp quote I (ironically) shared with a friend years ago, "if you love two people at the same time, chose the second one because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second one." It feels ****ty, yes. It makes you feel like a terrible person, yes. But you need to do what makes you happy in life. I truly wish you the best whatever you decide to do. It really is a frustratingly negative situation to navigate. Keep us posted.

 

I can sympathize with the tough situation you are in, both of you, but you have to realize you are putting yourselves there to a large extent.

Sometimes the other person really is better for you, but oftentimes the fantasy is much more powerful than the reality.

 

In any case, I wouldn't take relationship advice from Johnny Depp.

I also don't think this is a situation in which OP "loves" two people.

I don't think he knows the second girl well enough for this to be anything beyond infatuation/fantasy right now.

[idrather_hidemyname]

Ok, so...

 

Thank you for your feedback. I'm bringing just a small update on what I've decided to do. I just hope I can go through with it. Kendahke is right. I need to shed some light on this and properly open up with my girlfriend. This is how we've solved our issues so far, and I'm the one not going by it...

 

As for my feelings for my coworker - I wish things were as simple as an infatuation over someone a few offices away... so... my girlfriend is older than me by 4 years, which has caused us some issues both on my side and on hers on the past. My coworker is my age (I'm 25). Me and my girlfriend live together. My coworker and I not only work side by side (continuous desks), we also work on the same projects and probably will for the next few years (I just committed to staying where I am professionally). When I first met this girl, I did not disclose the fact that I have a girlfriend. Yes, I'm to blame. And I had a feeling she also used to be attracted to me when we first met. The guy who hits on her, also a close coworker, brought up the topic of my girlfriend during a conversation we were all in (probably on purpose. also I think they'll end up dating).

After this girl found I have a girlfriend, our interactions became different. Now they are mostly cold, she's kind of inconsistent over our interactions (in terms of how nice she talks) and I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a flying **** about me anymore. I also don't think we have all that much in common.

 

However, I'm still super attracted to her, I constantly think about her. Our large work group had to go out of town for a couple of days and spend them together, so I've been spending a lot of time with her, which does not help. The worst part, and the one that leaves me most ashamed, is that if this girl sexually approached me, I think I would just kiss her - or more. (This is not happening anywhere else other than in my head).

 

So this is where I'm standing right now. I don't know what I want. I'm not being able to commit to killing this crush off.

I just wish I was never in this situation in the first place. My girlfriend does not deserve to be hurt, and we share so many dreams in common... But I'm not being fair right now, and my head is just a mess...

 

My girlfriend is going abroad for a couple of weeks, and I think it's just best for us to talk afterwards.

[kendahke]

I did not disclose the fact that I have a girlfriend.

 

Lying by omission is also called "insulting her intelligence". Especially when the lie is so easy to unmask by others at your job who know your business.

 

After this girl found I have a girlfriend, our interactions became different. Now they are mostly cold, she's kind of inconsistent over our interactions (in terms of how nice she talks) and I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a flying **** about me anymore.

 

The known fact of you already having a girlfriend by others in the office--it was only a matter of time before someone there pulled her coat tail and told her what you were omitting from your conversations---and that is why she's cold. That's enough to turn anyone off.

 

Always stand in your truth and proceed from it--that way, no one can take hold of you over a lie you advanced.