xOW - an update I guess

[Dreamwalker17]

This disgusting creep of MM is looking forward to the next year because things were so great for him this year, he is hopeful you’ll continue being good little OW and will comply with the rules of his game.

 

When will you have enough, Serendipity? Your previous thread ran 22 pages of excellent advise from the best posters here. What did you do with all the wisdom shared with you by supportive, caring and thoughtful strangers who care about you, unlike the one who “loves you more”?

 

This current thread is on page 6, and it’s all the same.

When are you going to wake up?

 

It doesn’t matter what he says. He has nothing to offer to you.

End of story. Please move on, this helplessness in your posts is painful to read.

[Grey Cloud]

I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

 

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

 

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

 

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

 

I just wanted to share the update.

 

That is not a do the right thing/lets be friends/cordial message. That message is trying to keep you hooked. In the 10 seconds it took to send you that message he will then spend a lovely day with his wife and kids and wrapping presents under the tree.

 

I’m not trying to be harsh, it’s just the reality of the situation. Words are cheap and if he really wanted to spend the day with you he would have found a way.

 

My worst day ever in my affair was Christmas Day two years ago. I felt so unhinged and anxious and spent all day thinking about my xMM and not being present with my own family. It’s an awful feeling. I needed someone back then to knock some serious sense into me. I hope we can do that for you!

[jjgitties]

What I don't get OP is what are you actually getting out of this relationship? Is it just sex or do you guys do stuff together like go out to places and dinner and pretend you are married in public?

[BaileyB]

I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

 

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

 

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

 

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

 

I just wanted to share the update.

 

Ah Serendipity, it's a hook to keep you on the line. He threw out a "Merry Xmas - I'm thinking about you today" text to keep you on the line, because he's looking forward to having more sex with you in the new year.

 

You are looking at this message, trying to find some hint that he loves you and he is thinking about you. Truth is, he loves having you sitting at home thinking about him while he enjoys Christmas with his family. And, he is thinking about having more sex with you in the New year.

 

If he really loved you, aka Jenkins, he would do the right thing and leave you alone.

 

If you've already decided that you would not want to be with him if he left his wife, why the heck do you stay? My God, why do you stay?

 

Are we going to be having this same discussion next Christmas. Are you still going to be saying "I know I should end this, but I don't want to feel like it meant nothing, like I wasted my time." How much more of your life are you going to waste in this twisted, unhealthy relationship?

 

Resolve to make a different choice in 2018. Put yourself and your daughter first. Live your life!

[BaileyB]

That message is trying to keep you hooked. In the 10 seconds it took to send you that message he will then spend a lovely day with his wife and kids and wrapping presents under the tree.

 

And you spend the whole day, thinking about him and wondering what he meant when he sent the message. Mission accomplished!

[OpenBook]

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

 

This is just downright CREEPY. With all the pain he's put you through, he's calling that "special" - and looking forward to more of the same next year?!?? If that isn't sadomasochistic, I don't know what is. It's like he is GETTING OFF on your pain.

 

I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

 

From the outside looking in, I would say yes you do mean something to him, and yes you are significant to him. In what way? I would really prefer not to know!!

 

This guy is just plain-ol' bad news. What a horrible situation. Please extricate yourself from it. Immediately and rapidly. For your own sanity. Run for your life!!

[jenkins95]

Sorry my dear. I do not presume to speak for Jenkins, but he has stated many times that he keeps complete and permanent NC with the ex OW.

THAT is how a man who is truly trying to do right behaves.

It is, first and foremost, the most decent thing to do by a BS, but also by the Ex OW/OM. Hoping to stay in contact while pretending to commit to a marriage is lying to everyone involved.

Wake up, sister. It was not an innocent, friendly messaged. It was a hook, a manipulation to plant the idea in your head that this will continue.

You seem to have a very distorted view of him anf your relationship. We can't end this for you, it is only up to you.

 

Yes, 100% this.

 

MM get themselves into affairs by a series of very selfish, very dumb, very shortsighted decisions. Both your MM and I tick this box.

 

But I think where we differ is what we did once the sh*t had really hit the fan, and decisions had to be made. When we had to step out of the fantasy bubble, stand up, be a man and work out what we were going to do about the disaster we'd caused.

 

For me, seeing the pain I had caused, both to my wife, the OW and myself, I made the decision that there would be no more lies and deception. Decisions would be made, (in my case this led to reconciliation), honest conversations would be had and from that moment on, I would resolutely stick to my decisions and never allow myself to go down that path again. A new start would be made. A new me.

 

I could see that this was the only way I could live with myself. I could not enter false reconciliation and allow my wife to live a lie (having just had to live one through the affair). I also genuinely thought of the OW. She was very hurt, but I knew that if I let her go forever, then she would likely soon recover, move on and have a great life. Another choice would be to offer her breadcrumbs, keep her in limbo, use her when convenient, keep her hanging on to the false hope I would feed her, while all the time letting my wife believe that the affair was behind me and I was all in for reconciliation. I decided that I couldn't and wouldn't be that man.

 

Having made the stupidest set of decisions in my life, having hurt and let down so many people, this was the only way I could do it. To further deceive, hurt and lead people on would have killed me - I simply couldn't have done it. But it seems your MM is different here. He continues to hurt both his wife and you S.

 

Does this make me some great guy? No!!! The great guys never have the affair in the first place! IMO, this makes me a normal, well meaning, but flawed person, who once went down a very selfish, hurtful path, but who has learned from it and will never make that mistake again.

 

I'm sure on some level your MM is a lovely man, Serendipity. Good looking, exciting, kind, intelligent, generous, charming? I've no doubt. But the fact is, he has repeatedly and over a number of years cheated and deceived his wife, falsely reconciling, while taking you along for the ride, - dropping you and picking you up when convenient. Is this a fair assessment? It's what comes across from your posts, at least for me. For all my selfishness and mistakes, this is something I couldn't have done - not having made that mistake once and seeing the consequences.

 

And perhaps consequence is one of the reasons for the differences here. Your MM has never had a D-day right? D-days tend to change you. My wife collapsed right in front of me and in that moment I saw what a selfish hurtful fool I'd been. It changed me in an instant. Your MM hasn't seen that, so he can keep her potential pain in the abstract - something theoretical that's "never going to happen".

 

Sorry for a wordy post. Just wanted to give you some thoughts from inside the mind of an MM!

 

I wish you a lovely Christmas Serendipity. But most of all, I wish you a 100 times better Christmas next year. Put the work in, make the hard decisions... And stick to them, them promise me you'll post to this thread a year from now telling us how you broken free from your limbo abs area now so much happier! That's my Christmas wish - for you and all the other men and women held in such an awful prison by such selfish, manipulative people. You are my friend and you are worth so much more.

 

X

Edited December 24, 2017 by jenkins95

[Poppy47]

I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

 

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

 

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

 

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

 

I just wanted to share the update.

If this man were genuinely trying to do the right thing, he would have blocked you , gone complete NC forever.

 

He's taking away any joy you might have at Christmas with one short message. It takes no time to send one text.

 

Try to have a happy day.

 

POppy.

[jenkins95]

That is not a do the right thing/lets be friends/cordial message. That message is trying to keep you hooked. In the 10 seconds it took to send you that message he will then spend a lovely day with his wife and kids and wrapping presents under the tree.

 

I’m not trying to be harsh, it’s just the reality of the situation. Words are cheap and if he really wanted to spend the day with you he would have found a way.

 

My worst day ever in my affair was Christmas Day two years ago. I felt so unhinged and anxious and spent all day thinking about my xMM and not being present with my own family. It’s an awful feeling. I needed someone back then to knock some serious sense into me. I hope we can do that for you!

 

Very wise words. And wonderful to see one of my LS heroes back posting again!

 

How are you Grey Cloud? I still think about you lots and I truly hope you are in a good place in your life and your marriage!

 

Remember we once talked about having a Christmas party to celebrate our recovery path? Well let's try to catch up (at least) every Christmas. I'll forever be grateful for how you have supported, helped me and been such a friend!

Edited December 24, 2017 by jenkins95

[Poppy47]

Ah,now I understand, and agree with you. How he can look at you in the face, look his wife in the face and feel okay lying to you both day after day I just can't get my head around. I can see how he was able to keep you off balance, not understanding how he could do it. It sounds like he knew just what t say to keep you hooked.

 

You now what though, maybe that's actually a good thing that you can't understand how he can be so cruel. That means you are nothing like him, you have empathy and also that you have the capacity to love someone so much.

 

Those are wonderful traits...please don't let him change that about you.

 

That's the way he was macbride. I am long out of it now. He was world class for sure.

The only way I can comprehend at all is to think of it as NPD.

 

People with this disorder and NOTHING like a normal human being who messes up.

 

If you've been done over by a narcissist, you can never be quite the same again.

 

It took me a long period of time to escape, go complete NC and gain any equilibrium in my life. What you thought was real, never was at all and coming to terms with it is not easy.

 

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

My wish for you for 2018 is, give yourself the gift of setting yourself free of him and all his empty words. They mean nothing without action. He is where he wants to be. It doesn't matter how he feels about you, bottom line is he isn't putting you first or making you a priority in his life. To him this is an affair, to you it's much more.

 

Please, do all you can to detach and focus on yourself, friends and people who DO love and care about you in a genuine way.

[BaileyB]

My wish for you for 2018 is, give yourself the gift of setting yourself free of him and all his empty words. They mean nothing without action. He is where he wants to be. To him this is an affair, to you it's much more. .

 

This is exactly my wish for you too Serendipity. He is where he wants to be. Let it be.

 

I hope you come back next Christmas to tell us that you have finally seen the light and set yourself free of this man. Perhaps, you will have even found someone to love who wants to be a family, with you and your daughter...

 

Merry Christmas.

[Vivir]

OP, I thought I'd add one more point.

You and MM are not together in this. Your expereinces are xompletely different.

For instance, while periods of NC are torture and heartbreak to you, they are part of the fun and drama for him.

He's not really scared he will lose you, so for him it's a cycle of contact/no contact. The periods of NC are just a build up for breaking it.

He is in this for the thrill, so all the things that make you miserable- the secrecy, the sneaking around, the instability, the tear filled conversations, the lack of commitment- are making him high.

NC is hard for you, but it's fun for him, because it's melodramatic. It's part of the thrill.

Please understand that while this is very real, meaningful,important and heartfelt for you, it is his fun and games.

Also, there is really no way he and his wife are not having sex because he feels committed to you.

Not happening.

Big, fat, manipulative lie.

Yes, I know there are sexless marriages, but this couple has a toddler and a baby, right? They're having sex, and as it seems she's doing most of the childcare and is probably exhausted, I'd go out on a limb and guess he's initiating most of it.

OP, you have suffered a terrible tragedy, but you have been married. You have a child. You have a carreer. You have an extended family and friends. You have yourself.

Is this married man, father of 2 small children, really standing between you and your happiness? Do you really need him to be happy?

 

imsosad, I know you directed this message to Serendipity, but I found it quite useful, too.

 

Serendipity, I, too, found his text message to you to be manipulative simply because he could be with you and spend time with you right now if he so wished. You'll have to consider the reasons he isn't... you can use your own marriage as a baseline.

 

Try your best to keep up no contact. We're still rooting for you.

[grass-hopper]

No unsympathetic judgements here. Only want to let you know that you’re not alone. Good luck to you OP

 

Be strong, don't be afraid of the pain that you'll feel. It's final, not continuous like what you've been feeling throughout your A.

 

This is sound advice. I will take it and recite it over and over. Hopefully it will help in my own addictive A.

[wmacbride]

OP,

you might want to ask yourself this question.

 

If this guy was single, would you put up with this kind of treatment?

 

If the answer is "no", then why are you willing to endure it just because he is married?

 

Now, I obviously don't know this man, but to me, he sounds like a jerk ( and that is being polite), and for the life of me, I can understand why you allow him to treat you this way?

 

What were you like before you met him? What are you like now? Has he brought positives into your life or negatives? If you could go back and do it all over knowing what you know now, would you have even given him a second look?

[BTDT2012]

I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

 

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

 

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

 

I just wanted to share the update.

 

Jenkins does not contact his AP. You can't be friends. you don't have that kind of strength.

 

he's been with his W for 12 years and married for 18 months.

 

Was he married when you began your affair?

[ladydesigner]

Why haven't you tried to REALLY go NC? I know it hurts but it helps end an affair and gives you your power back then you can rebuild your strength again. It will not happen if he is contacting you daily

[Poppy47]

Why haven't you tried to REALLY go NC? I know it hurts but it helps end an affair and gives you your power back then you can rebuild your strength again. It will not happen if he is contacting you daily

 

YOu are so right Lady.

 

NC includes all social media, emails, phone numbers. The door must be firmly shut so you cannot see him or hear from him.

 

I think an A is much like fire. If it has no fuel, it will eventually go out. You will eventually change your thinking patterns and begin to heal.

 

Poppy