Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?

[MilesTruelove]

My fiancée (24) and I (29) recently went through a pretty nasty breakup back in late November. We are engaged and have been together for four years. We had a really fantastic relationship for the longest time but within the last month (so beginning in October), it was almost like a switch had been flipped within her. Suddenly this girl who shared everything with me and who always had the warmest smile turned cold, distant, bitter and very depressed. She became highly critical of nearly everything that I did and each night our conversations would spiral into an argument and then she would either shut herself in our room or storm off and leave. It should be stated that we recently moved to a larger city (she has always lived in a small town and has agoraphobia), she just got her first real salaried job that is very high stress and demanding, her place of work is very dysfunctional, her relationship with her immediate family is not great currently, and she is taking college courses.

 

The breakup itself was just as nasty as the month that led up to it. I admittedly did not handle it well. I did the whole begging thing that is very unattractive and unbecoming of a partner. One of my first nights away from her I sent some pretty rude messages, too. It was not my best moment, for sure. My name came off of our apartment lease, I moved 75% of my stuff out of our place, we split our funds, I said goodbye to our cat and found a place of my own. For a couple of weeks, we contacted each other minimally. But then she started sending me texts. The texts were nothing profound or anything: she asked if I made it to work safely when our state got hit with heavy snow, she sent me a link to a discounted subscription to a magazine she knew I liked, she asked if I was okay after a pipe bomb went off in NYC as she knew that I was there at the time, etc. Little things, nothing big.

 

She knows where I stand on wanting to get back together. She knows that this has crushed me. I absolutely love this girl. She is my world. I have tried to sort through all of my emotions and I have tried to look at our relationship objectively. I have been going to counseling, I've tried to occupy my time in healthy ways, I have surrounded myself with a great support system of friends and family, etc. I just cannot get over how the greatest and most fulfilling relationship of my life came to what I think of as an abrupt end. I have my flaws but they very fixable. Did she leave me for someone else? Is she have a life crisis of sorts? Perhaps she has just lost all attraction for me? I have been so confused by this whole thing. All I know is that she has not been sharing any information with any of our mutual friends or with her parents. She has also seemingly not been going out. I do not know who her support system is or how she is occupying her time.

 

I was initially going to go no-contact but I couldn't. Perhaps breaking NC was a bad decision but it does not sit right with me to simply cut off all contact with someone so important to me when I feel that there is something that needs to be said. I would not apply that logic to any other relationship so why should it be applied here, I reasoned. I did give her space and I am still continuing to do so. But a week ago, I asked her out to coffee. We met up at a place that I took her for her birthday in September (her choice) and we talked for two hours and even went by a store afterwards to do some holiday shopping. Our conversation started off light with us just catching up, it turned to us joking a bit and then came the dreaded, "We need to talk" from her. My heart sank. She told me that she had been unhappy, that I had said hurtful things to her as our relationship started to unravel, and that she knows that I want to reconcile things. She then started to cry in the restaurant and said that she would be open to a reconciliation but that she needed more time.

I did not know what to expect that morning but I was blown away by her stating that she would be open to reconciling after more time as this is not something she has expressed interest in since we broke up. So I decided to write her a letter. It essentially stated my continued feelings for her, that any issues that we have are things that I am committed to fixing, that I am interested in reconciling, but that if she is not, all she needs to do is just tell me and I will let go so I can adjust to the new reality of a life without her and begin the healing process. I said that if she was still open to reconciling, that I would love to take her out to lunch or dinner--that there was no rush in getting back to me. Days later, she messaged me stating that she would be open to dinner some time after Christmas.

So... this is where I am currently. The only person I have ever proposed to, someone that I have given four years to, broke up with me a month ago but now is open to maybe reconciling with me and getting back together. She is either open to reconciling, she is very cruel or she is very confused -- or she is all of the above, maybe. I have honestly never been so devastated, hurt and confused about anything in my life. I know breakups rarely provide happiness and clarity on matters but this one really takes the cake for me, personally. I want to get back with her but perhaps that is also emotions toying with me. Who knows? It takes two to make a relationship work and perhaps only time will tell what she actually wants.

[d0nnivain]

Reconciliation only works if the two people involved fix whatever problems ripped them apart in the first place.

 

 

Has she made peace with living in a big city? Has she addressed her agoraphobia? (BTW are you sure she even has that. If it's real she wouldn't be able to leave the house, let alone move or go to work)

 

 

Unless you both know what caused the stress & can work to over come that, don't reconcile. You will be right back where you were.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Okay, so after a long 4 year relationship with you guys tied and ready to marry. She THEN goes cold and ballistic and blows the relationship up in mad fashion.

 

You DID have a poor choice moment in retaliating and saying hurtful things. But in your defense, you were hurt. It's hard to have a stiff upper lip. I get it.

 

Now she has seen the grass is NOT greener on the other side( 24 and inexperienced) and wants you back...But needs more time??WTF?

 

I get it you are in love, but I need to break it to ya....

 

THERE IS ANOTHER GUY....

 

She detached from you in the beginning and was hurtful because she had feelings and a relationship with another...

 

She needs more time, because she is trying to detach from the OM.

 

-Monkey Branching-

[MilesTruelove]

I am not sure if she has been diagnosed with that or not, or if it just an overwhelming sense of anxiety in crowded places. She describes it that way. Regardless, whatever she has is real and rather crippling.

[MilesTruelove]

Okay, so after a long 4 year relationship with you guys tied and ready to marry. She THEN goes cold and ballistic and blows the relationship up in mad fashion.

 

You DID have a poor choice moment in retaliating and saying hurtful things. But in your defense, you were hurt. It's hard to have a stiff upper lip. I get it.

 

Now she has seen the grass is NOT greener on the other side( 24 and inexperienced) and wants you back...But needs more time??WTF?

 

I get it you are in love, but I need to break it to ya....

 

THERE IS ANOTHER GUY....

 

She detached from you in the beginning and was hurtful because she had feelings and a relationship with another...

 

She needs more time, because she is trying to detach from the OM.

 

-Monkey Branching-

 

 

 

 

I may be in love but I am not certainly not blind about this. There was a version of me a month ago that was but I see things for what they are. She claims there is no one else...I know, I know.

 

 

Could there realistically be any other reasons she would want to wait? She claims that I said very cruel things to her when we broke up. I was angry and regret being that way. Could it maybe be that she just needs more time? Or perhaps more space? These are legit questions from me as I am quite baffled and really am having trouble with how to proceed. Maybe she is rebounding. She is not good at being alone and I am really not sure what her support system is at this point.

 

 

I apologized for my outbursts via text but I have never been that way in the past. It was purely situational but I was still out of line.

[MilesTruelove]

And to answer your other question, donn, I guess she has made peace with the city in some respects as she kept the apartment. She told me that her work situation is deteriorating, though. She honestly seems more unhappy now than she ever did. Perhaps that is just me or perhaps that is just the front she is putting up. Again, I am confused. The sky could be falling on top of me at this point and I would not know what is happening.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yes, you apologized and owned your *****. Good job. But I am still at a loss of why after 4 years and ready for walking the alter time, she blows up and makes you enemy #1? THAT hasn't been answered. And for me, the agoraphobia thing doesn't fit. She maybe has it to a degree. But she wouldn't meet you for coffee. Period.

 

You said in the original post that it was like a light switch. But she never said anything concerning living in NY or big cities in general? She didn't have fights concerning venues for the wedding or other couple issues? She just suddenly started getting angry and verbally combative? I read that it is called "hostile disengagement". And act by a partner to finalize the end of the relationship for the new one...

 

That is what concerns me....She has a new job in new surroundings in a big place. Full of people with big lives...She is bound to have new experiences with new people. But not understanding where her boundaries are concerning you, she may be bonding with someone else in her life. She IS only 24. Life has not been fully lived yet and decisions made may not be in your best interest.

Now something has changed and she comes back into your life (plan b). But she needs time to do what exactly? Why the space? You already are out of the picture. Her statement is disingenuous at best.

[MilesTruelove]

Perhaps 'severe anxiety' should replace 'agoraphobia' in the OP. She definitely has anxiety and living in a city has always been a concern. The big reason we moved was for her new job, though. She really hates that and states that she should have never left the position she had working with me. She resents so much about her life and I seem to be a part of that resentment now. I have only ever tried to be comforting and supportive, though.

 

 

I think it is logical, sane and, perhaps(?), correct to suggest that she was disengaging from me for something else. I think it is also correct to suggest that this might be for another guy but a part of me wonders about that. She was just so negative towards everything. I have wondered if it is stress or depression that has made her push me away. At the same time, I do not know who her support system presently is and she does not do well by herself, especially when she is stressed and depressed.

[MilesTruelove]

The toughest thing for me at the moment is that the frequency of her messages does seem to be increasing. It seems very unfair. She knows how I feel about her. I do not know how she feels about me. I have made it clear that I cannot be just friends with her. I have never wanted to read someone's mind so badly.

 

Anyways, I am taking my time in responding to her messages. I do not want to give it away to her the hold that she presently has on me. I am keeping it light and fun when I do respond. No relationship-y stuff, no drama, nothing too heavy. The wait and the uncertainty are both painful, though. I could let go and probably heal a hell of a lot faster than being in this limboland that I feel myself currently being in, but this is just too big. The "what if" is too hard to let go. I love and care about her. I would take her back today but not unconditionally.

[MilesTruelove]

Well, she is still messaging me with some frequency. She got the flu last week and missed three days of work so we did not end up going out as she had stated. I messaged her to see how she was doing over the weekend and she said that she is slowly getting better. Anyways, last night I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date with me some time this week and she stated that she would "check her schedule" when she is back at work and get back to me.

 

I am very confused by this girl. She broke up with me. The hard part has been done. She knows what I want. Why not just tell me to take a hike? Am I being strung along? Is she playing games? Is this a good sign?

[Been]

I agree with the other poster- there was someone else. All the signs point to it-sudden shifting of being distant,starting arguments,etc.

You dont just ruin a relationship that quick for no reason.

[MilesTruelove]

We have been together for four years and she completely threw all of that away...and is now alluding to the fact that she may be interested in getting back together... Why? It has barely been over a month. If this is a grass is greener type of situation, wound't she still be looking for that green grass? Surely she didn't throw away four years to be with some guy for a whole month.

 

I am not trying to make excuses. I am just confused and I am trying to make sense out of all of this. My love for her might be unconditional but my willingness to be in a relationship with her is quite conditional. I just want to make sure that I am handling this appropriately.

[BluesPower]

Yes there is someone else...

 

That is exactly what happened. Even with the anxiety, she would not break up unless she thought that the other guy would date her full time.

 

So yes she was cheating on you. Don't believe it. The next time you are together, ask to see her phone, and look through it. You will find what you need to know there.

 

No, do not get back with her.

 

So the other guy, either is not as great as she thought, or he dumped her.

 

Could it be something else, yeah. What are the probabilities? About 0%.

 

You need to move on from this one...

[MilesTruelove]

Yes there is someone else...

 

That is exactly what happened. Even with the anxiety, she would not break up unless she thought that the other guy would date her full time.

 

So yes she was cheating on you. Don't believe it. The next time you are together, ask to see her phone, and look through it. You will find what you need to know there.

 

No, do not get back with her.

 

So the other guy, either is not as great as she thought, or he dumped her.

 

Could it be something else, yeah. What are the probabilities? About 0%.

 

You need to move on from this one...

 

I certainly do not foresee asking to go through her phone being a wise decision the next time I see her.

 

I am not 100% convinced there is another guy. There very well could be...but to suggest that there could not be other factors at play here seems a bit off. But what do I know.

[BluesPower]

Well that is kind of the point...

 

You are here on the internet, asking questions.

 

Experienced users are telling you that there is someone else because we have experienced this stuff before.

 

The way that she acted towards you is classic cheater behavior. They find dissatisfaction with you, out of no where, because they are cheating. They have to justify the guilt.

 

The guy at work was probably a player and dumped her when she said, "OK, I left my BF so we can be together!" Then he banged her for a while a dumped her.

 

Could there be another explanation, of course, and the probability is less than 0.01 percent.

 

You asked the question, we are just answering it...

[MilesTruelove]

Well that is kind of the point...

 

You are here on the internet, asking questions.

 

Experienced users are telling you that there is someone else because we have experienced this stuff before.

 

The way that she acted towards you is classic cheater behavior. They find dissatisfaction with you, out of no where, because they are cheating. They have to justify the guilt.

 

The guy at work was probably a player and dumped her when she said, "OK, I left my BF so we can be together!" Then he banged her for a while a dumped her.

 

Could there be another explanation, of course, and the probability is less than 0.01 percent.

 

You asked the question, we are just answering it...

 

 

 

I am here for answers, clarity and, overall, to make sense of this so that I know how to proceed. I certainly did not sign up for an account and write all of this just to hide my head in the sand. Regardless of what she did, she has been one of the most important things in my life. Should she reach out to me again (and I am certain she will) I just want to make the best decision.

 

I really do appreciate the feedback from everyone. I am not trying to avert my eyes from something that might be painful or troubling. Quite the contrary actually.

 

So talking this out further (because I am still having trouble with it)...she leaves someone she is engaged to for a five week fling, her fling dumps her, she comes crawling back... What exactly does she expect to gain from this in coming back? How does she expect for me to process this information? Or will she likely lie about why she left? If she does have someone else currently, could she be trying to dump them? Why agree to a date with someone who she dumped for a fling?

 

I love this girl unconditionally, truly. But my willingness to be in a relationship with her is quite conditional.

[BluesPower]

I am here for answers, clarity and, overall, to make sense of this so that I know how to proceed. I certainly did not sign up for an account and write all of this just to hide my head in the sand. Regardless of what she did, she has been one of the most important things in my life. Should she reach out to me again (and I am certain she will) I just want to make the best decision.

 

I really do appreciate the feedback from everyone. I am not trying to avert my eyes from something that might be painful or troubling. Quite the contrary actually.

 

So talking this out further (because I am still having trouble with it)...she leaves someone she is engaged to for a five week fling, her fling dumps her, she comes crawling back... What exactly does she expect to gain from this in coming back? How does she expect for me to process this information? Or will she likely lie about why she left? If she does have someone else currently, could she be trying to dump them? Why agree to a date with someone who she dumped for a fling?

 

I love this girl unconditionally, truly. But my willingness to be in a relationship with her is quite conditional.

 

It sounds like you are gaining clarity...

 

So here is the answer to your questions, that you just asked.

 

What she gains from coming back to you, (the plan b guy), is comfort, support, and someone that will take her back. Because if she is or does call, then he already dumped her.

 

Will she lie about why she left? Of course. She is not going to tell you that she was having an affair with this other guy. She is not going to say "You know, he was just so good in bed and I really enjoyed screwing someone besides you. I thought that he loved me so I left you for him. Turns out, he just sleeps with all the women that he can and I was just one of them."

 

No, she is going to say that she loves you and misses you, until he calls her back and says "Yes" to a "real" relationship.

 

And, the other thing that you should realize is that if she cheated once and does not get "caught", and has no consequences, she will do it again the next time a hot guy hits on her at work.

 

By the way, if she still works with this guy then her affair is still continuing.

 

So you need to be aware of that.

 

So ask her to take a polygraph and she what she says.

[MilesTruelove]

Apologies for appearing dense but it helps to talk this out: I am preparing myself for whatever but I do still maintain the idea that our separation could be due to other things in her life (stress, anxiety, the need to be independent of a relationship to figure her life out, etc), but let's just say you are correct here and she either was cheating on me while we were together or wanted to cheat and left me for someone that she has been with until recently...I have asked her out on a date. I have told her that I want to reconcile -- and a huge part of me does. What do I do from here? Let's say that she agrees to the date this week. I have no reason to believe that she will not. She has been reaching out to me frequently. If she was not going to accept the date, she would not have agreed to it in the first place.

 

Again, I am out of the apartment and basically out of her life. She has done the hard part. We were at each others' throats for a while before the breakup and a day or so afterwards, I disappeared for weeks and now we are back to being friendly. Assuming your theory that her new relationship isn't working out is a correct one and that is why she is suddenly changing her tune, how do I tackle that having also asked her out?

[clam]

Look, if she really wanted you back she wouldn’t have to “check her schedule” and drag this out endlessly. She would have rushed over to your apartment and been curled up in your arms right now, telling you how much she loves you and apologizing for nearly ruining it all.

 

That isn’t happening.

 

She’s stringing you along and keeping you in a Plan B holding pattern while she waits to see if New Guy pans out or even gives her the time of day.

 

Stop asking her out on dates. Don’t be that guy who keeps pursuing while being relegated to the sideline. Go out and do fun stuff on your own. You just may change your mind about the relationship once you stop answering her trivial texts.

Edited January 4, 2018 by clam

[Jdoublenn]

 

Could there realistically be any other reasons she would want to wait? She claims that I said very cruel things to her when we broke up. I was angry and regret being that way. Could it maybe be that she just needs more time? Or perhaps more space? These are legit questions from me as I am quite baffled and really am having trouble with how to proceed. Maybe she is rebounding. She is not good at being alone and I am really not sure what her support system is at .

 

YES. There could be another reason. LS posters love to assume and are quite accurate in many cases concerning nailing charters, but not EVERYONE who leaves a relationship and “needs time” is a cheater.

 

I will give you my personal circumstance. I was unhappy on and off a long time in a year and a half long relationship (now almost 2yrs). When I finally ended it I felt better for a minute, like a weight had been lifted.. that feeling didn’t last. Long story short, there was no other guy, but I wanted to know what was on the other side. (I had dated other guys but never been so serious...also very attached to X but hoped I’d find someone I liked better so I could leave him easier). This story doesn’t look great on ME but it’s my honest truth where no, there was no other guy, but I DID tell X I needed “space before considering getting back”. And this was just me being lonely and hoping I would learn to be ok so I wouldn’t go back, but keeping him around in case-which I assumed-i wanted him back. I was thrashing around trying to stay away all the while knowing I would probably end up going back. And I did.. lol. It was great for a couple months.. then a cluster F again. *eye roll*

 

In hindsight, I wish I would have given it more time before reuniting, even though *I* dumped HIM, I still went back, and I still wish I had done things differently. If there’s any advice I can give you in your situation, is give it time. Yes you love the heck out of her!! But the way she acted at the end of your relationship won’t just magically switch back off if y’all get back together. That side of her will be there! So be careful with your own feelings. Take your time with this decision... be true to yourself and make sure you make a decision based off what will make you happy

[Jdoublenn]

Well, she is still messaging me with some frequency. She got the flu last week and missed three days of work so we did not end up going out as she had stated. I messaged her to see how she was doing over the weekend and she said that she is slowly getting better. Anyways, last night I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date with me some time this week and she stated that she would "check her schedule" when she is back at work and get back to me.

 

I am very confused by this girl. She broke up with me. The hard part has been done. She knows what I want. Why not just tell me to take a hike? Am I being strung along? Is she playing games? Is this a good sign?

 

Kept reading and I agree with others. “Other man” or not, she’s stringing you along and this is exactly why most people heal better when going NC. May be time for you to start that..

[BarbedFenceRider]

Bottom line here. You are looking for finality. A one woman for the ages relationship...Her, not so much! You were together for 4 years and all ready for the wedding. Then, BLAMO! She ejects from the relationship and claims it was "stress" or what not. You want to believe this, it is your security blanket. No one could be that malicious right?!

But in the end, it doesn't even matter. When someone is going through stress and depression or Life as most of us like to call it. We grow closer to the ones we love and lean on them for support. We don't as humans jump ship the first sign of trouble.

And there it is....She is trouble. You deserve better. And there are, way better people waiting for you to invest your time in.

When you look at the past relationships, hind sight over time is very revealing. It shows us our weakness and vulnerability, gives us clarity in good and bad. When you look at THIS relationship, you see the good and you love that. But you also need to see the bad, and how this would've played out in a marriage or LTR in the long run.

Like Blues said, if she goes through all this **** testing while you are the plan b, what happens when real life catches up and you think you are plan a?

 

You have your choice, respect yourself and move on. Or, play along in the hopes that she gets an epiphany and self awareness that is lacking right now.

[Been]

I know you can't or don't want to believe that their was someone ese- so let's pretend to elimante the cheating aspect.

You have a perfect relationship from what you say- and it isn't a short term relationship- you've dated for years and live togeather and are about to tie the knot.

Then out of nowhere she needs to take a break- stress or whatever she came up with. How much sense does that make?

And let's assume you get back with her. What happens if you end up getting married and she gets stressed? She gonna cut you lose while she sorts things out? Put your marriage on hold?

She's basically a flight risk. Instead of talking to you about potential problems she cuts and runs. Worse their isn't any signs for you to look for.

Ive seen this MANY TIMES. Had it done to ME after seeing it done to people I know.

I'm not saying don't take her back. What I'm telling you is when you talk with her make her back up her excuse for leaving you. Don't let her say it was just stress- make her validate her reasons.

I think then you'll know.

[Been]

And I will tell you from experience that if they KNOW they cancer back with you they will walk all over you.

As BSD as it hurts as much as you don't want to you have to give her the impression that you DONT have to take her back.

By begging and contacting her- which is normal when you miss someone-your sending a message that her behaviour is ACCEPTED by you. And that's setting up the relationship to not last.

She doesn't want to be with you fine she doesn't get to be a part of your life. In any way.

[MilesTruelove]

Her job is getting progressively worse and she has just learned that she has $2.5k in medical debt from a recent doctor's visit. She has been contacting me pretty consistently in the last twenty-four hours stating that there is a lot of uncertainty in her life and she is worried. I have done my best to be supportive of her but to keep an emotional distance...which has been hard. She has contacted me nearly a dozen times since she said she would "check her schedule" for the date that I proposed.