Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?

[MilesTruelove]

YES. There could be another reason. LS posters love to assume and are quite accurate in many cases concerning nailing charters, but not EVERYONE who leaves a relationship and “needs time” is a cheater.

 

I will give you my personal circumstance. I was unhappy on and off a long time in a year and a half long relationship (now almost 2yrs). When I finally ended it I felt better for a minute, like a weight had been lifted.. that feeling didn’t last. Long story short, there was no other guy, but I wanted to know what was on the other side. (I had dated other guys but never been so serious...also very attached to X but hoped I’d find someone I liked better so I could leave him easier). This story doesn’t look great on ME but it’s my honest truth where no, there was no other guy, but I DID tell X I needed “space before considering getting back”. And this was just me being lonely and hoping I would learn to be ok so I wouldn’t go back, but keeping him around in case-which I assumed-i wanted him back. I was thrashing around trying to stay away all the while knowing I would probably end up going back. And I did.. lol. It was great for a couple months.. then a cluster F again. *eye roll*

 

In hindsight, I wish I would have given it more time before reuniting, even though *I* dumped HIM, I still went back, and I still wish I had done things differently. If there’s any advice I can give you in your situation, is give it time. Yes you love the heck out of her!! But the way she acted at the end of your relationship won’t just magically switch back off if y’all get back together. That side of her will be there! So be careful with your own feelings. Take your time with this decision... be true to yourself and make sure you make a decision based off what will make you happy

 

Thank you for your post. I do feel that many here are making a logical argument. And I am bracing myself for the reality that she left me for someone else and that has not worked out so now she wants what she had back. As much as I want her back, I really want her back and I want it to work. Clearly for it to work, we need to be on the same page and we cannot be on the same page if she is not being honest with me.

 

Can I ask more about your situation if you do not mind? What led to the breakup? Did the same problems that did not get addressed creep back into the relationship on the second-go-round?

[MilesTruelove]

Bottom line here. You are looking for finality. A one woman for the ages relationship...Her, not so much! You were together for 4 years and all ready for the wedding. Then, BLAMO! She ejects from the relationship and claims it was "stress" or what not. You want to believe this, it is your security blanket. No one could be that malicious right?!

But in the end, it doesn't even matter. When someone is going through stress and depression or Life as most of us like to call it. We grow closer to the ones we love and lean on them for support. We don't as humans jump ship the first sign of trouble.

And there it is....She is trouble. You deserve better. And there are, way better people waiting for you to invest your time in.

When you look at the past relationships, hind sight over time is very revealing. It shows us our weakness and vulnerability, gives us clarity in good and bad. When you look at THIS relationship, you see the good and you love that. But you also need to see the bad, and how this would've played out in a marriage or LTR in the long run.

Like Blues said, if she goes through all this **** testing while you are the plan b, what happens when real life catches up and you think you are plan a?

 

You have your choice, respect yourself and move on. Or, play along in the hopes that she gets an epiphany and self awareness that is lacking right now.

 

We do seem to be approaching this from different planes. We both claim to want to reconcile but one of us - the dumper - needs time first.

 

Uncertainty and the unknown are killing me right now. I do respect myself and I do want to move beyond this. I am not going to be sucked down into a rabbit hole. At the same time, a piece of me cannot let go of what he had thinking that it can be regained if I only I can make some sense out of this. She keeps tossing me scraps and I keep going after them.

[dumbass2]

Her words are telling you one thing (and not very clear at that) and her actions are showing the opposite. I went through this with my ex 3 months after NC and was strung along til I finally ended it for good. There was no second chance, only hope on my part which i finally got pissed at myself and wacked myself on the head in order to stop being a dumbass. Hence my screen name. All you can do is try and let them know where you stand and back the heck away and if they come back full on wanting to try again (actions not just words) then you've got your second chance. You need to have boundaries and not be tolerant of the wishy washy crap like you're getting.

[lolablue17]

Let's leave out the equation "Is there another guy?"... it's 50%-50%, OK? (more like 70%-30% in favor of the other guy)

 

But I think that you're missing some important issues here. First, in my eyes, to cancel a wedding is a brutal act, 10 times more than any other issue in a relationship (except violence). So, she is the one who should appologize to you. She is the one who MUST work very hard to prove that she deserves being married to you.

 

Why would you ever take a woman who has the character to throw everthing away, when life becomes a little harder? It means a great deal about her nature, and about her commitment. It means that you can never rely on that woman, because I can assure you - Life with a family is very demanding and includes hard times. She has a very light hand on the trigger. RED FLAG!

 

In order to get you back she need to be desperate with 1000% motivation. You, with your attitude, make it very easy for her + you avoid making this test to see if she's worthy. Make a 180 turn. Tell her that you have thought about it, and you are very hurt from her canceling the wedding, so you find it hard to trust her, and you need space to think about the whole thing.

 

If she starts chacing after you, at least you know she wants you (it doesn't solve the deep main issue). If she doesn't, it means that you mean very little to her. This 180 turn is an important test.

Edited January 5, 2018 by lolablue17

[MilesTruelove]

Let's leave out the equation "Is there another guy?"... it's 50%-50%, OK? (more like 70%-30% in favor of the other guy)

 

But I think that you're missing some important issues here. First, in my eyes, to cancel a wedding is a brutal act, 10 times more than any other issue in a relationship (except violence). So, she is the one who should appologize to you. She is the one who MUST work very hard to prove that she deserves being married to you.

 

Why would you ever take a woman who has the character to throw everthing away, when life becomes a little harder? It means a great deal about her nature, and about her commitment. It means that you can never rely on that woman, because I can assure you - Life with a family is very demanding and includes hard times. She has a very light hand on the trigger. RED FLAG!

 

In order to get you back she need to be desperate with 1000% motivation. You, with your attitude, make it very easy for her + you avoid making this test to see if she's worthy. Make a 180 turn. Tell her that you have thought about it, and you are very hurt from her canceling the wedding, so you find it hard to trust her, and you need space to think about the whole thing.

 

If she starts chacing after you, at least you know she wants you (it doesn't solve the deep main issue). If she doesn't, it means that you mean very little to her. This 180 turn is an important test.

 

I agree with you. I know that I have made it easier for her. I am always there when she reaches out to me. And she has been reaching out to me a good bit lately. We have talked about going out twice in the last twenty days but it never materializes into anything. Yet she keeps sending me memes, asking about my day, telling me about problems within her life as they are unfolding, etc, etc all the while knowing how I feel about her. It seems very unfair from my perspective. If I let someone go and I knew that they wanted to get back together with me, I would further reiterate that there is no future for a relationship...yet she agrees to my dates and says she is open to reconciling.

 

I think that she has FINALLY picked up on the fact that I am growing impatient being in this limboland. Last night she sent me a text saying, "I have not been ignoring certain things. I have been working on writing you a letter. I am trying to be articulate and the topic is so big and long that it's taking a good bit of time. You will get this in a day or two. I am glad that you liked my status. :)"

 

The way I see it, there are three likely and obvious things that could happen (and these are not necessarily in the order of likelihood):

1. She will say that she is ready to reconcile.

2. She will say that she needs more time.

3. She will tell me to get lost.

 

I am leaning between the first two, most likely the second one. She has broken up with me but reaches out nearly every day. She also accepted a date with me knowing what my intentions were. If it is the first one, I am sure that will come with some goodies attached to it, hence the length of the letter and the length of time it is taking her to write it.

 

It is impossible for me to simply cease loving her or caring about her. I always will. Being in a relationship with her is another matter. If it is option two or option three, I am going to take a huge step back from this whole thing and make it very clear to her that I am here for her, but I cannot be in limbo and I cannot simply be friends with her as my feelings are too strong, that contact will need to be low to non-existent for a long time unless anything changes with her. I need to begin the process of healing and letting go.

[d0nnivain]

At this point you are nothing more then a port in a storm.

 

She was unhappy being with you. You fought & broke up. Breaking up an engagement is no small thing from a financial perspective.

 

Now she's on her own & that is even more scary then being with you. She has a stressful job, the holidays just passed, she has medical bill debt & all the emotional fall out from the BU. As bad as the end of your relationship was it still looks like a calm paradise compared to where she is right now, but still not enough of a safe space to have her actually show up for the date you proposed. She's getting the emotional comfort she seeks while getting your hopes up & stringing you along.

 

I'm not saying she's using you intentionally or in a mean way but she is using you & you are letting her. She's not trying to reconcile but she is using you as an emotional crutch.

[MilesTruelove]

At this point you are nothing more then a port in a storm.

 

She was unhappy being with you. You fought & broke up. Breaking up an engagement is no small thing from a financial perspective.

 

Now she's on her own & that is even more scary then being with you. She has a stressful job, the holidays just passed, she has medical bill debt & all the emotional fall out from the BU. As bad as the end of your relationship was it still looks like a calm paradise compared to where she is right now, but still not enough of a safe space to have her actually show up for the date you proposed. She's getting the emotional comfort she seeks while getting your hopes up & stringing you along.

 

I'm not saying she's using you intentionally or in a mean way but she is using you & you are letting her. She's not trying to reconcile but she is using you as an emotional crutch.

 

I am beginning to feel that way which I why I want to cut the string loose. She is a smart person and she is not cruel; it has just been hard as I cannot wrap my brain around why she would agree to the date knowing full well that I wanted to reconcile things. She literally said to me in person with tears in her eyes in a restaurant surrounded by people, "I am open to reconciling. I just need time." That is a hard thing for me to walk away from even if the limbo that it puts me in is pure heck.

[d0nnivain]

You need closure & for that last sliver of hope to be snuffed out. Go to your meeting. Hear her out. Let her tell you about why she needs more time. Watch her actions & behavior. As you see how distant she's grown & how the time will only help her grow stronger, independently of you, it may bring you the closure you need to finally let go.

[MilesTruelove]

She is sending me a letter today or tomorrow. The date is still up in the air... who knows what will become of that.

 

I shall keep you updated, though.

[d0nnivain]

A letter? Seriously?

 

You do realize that this letter is going to be this rambling mess explaining why she can't meet you & that it's over, right?

[MilesTruelove]

She is an excellent writer so I do foresee it being well-written at least. I have no idea what to expect. If that is the case, though, I stand by what I said: I am taking a huge step back and I am letting go of any idea of reconciliation. I cannot continue with the small talk.

 

Honestly, I am going to have more trouble in dealing with the second option that I foresee occurring and that is "I need more time." The weak side of me will say, 'Well, okay...' when ultimately I just need to walk away. I also cannot deal with being in perpetual limbo.

[MilesTruelove]

On Monday, she said that I would receive the letter by Wednesday. On Wednesday, she said that I would receive it by Thursday. Thursday came and went. On Friday, she said that I would receive it soon. I don't know what to expect. Limboland sucks.

 

She has been reaching out to me a lot and our conversations have definitely improved. I have again let her know how I feel and I have stated that I cannot merely be friends with her, that I will need to move on and walk away from her if we are not on the same page.

[Purepony]

On Monday, she said that I would receive the letter by Wednesday. On Wednesday, she said that I would receive it by Thursday. Thursday came and went. On Friday, she said that I would receive it soon. I don't know what to expect. Limboland sucks.

 

She has been reaching out to me a lot and our conversations have definitely improved. I have again let her know how I feel and I have stated that I cannot merely be friends with her, that I will need to move on and walk away from her if we are not on the same page.

 

 

Sorry pal it’s hard to sympathize with someone who refuses to take advice from people who clearly are more experienced and have warned you constantly!

 

Move on already !!! What do you want ? The good year blimp to pass by your house with the words “ move on!! “

[MilesTruelove]

Sorry pal it’s hard to sympathize with someone who refuses to take advice from people who clearly are more experienced and have warned you constantly!

 

Move on already !!! What do you want ? The good year blimp to pass by your house with the words “ move on!! “

 

I am not looking for sympathy. It is hard to move on when she keeps reaching out to me.

 

Her mom got in touch with me yesterday. She said that my ex reached out to her and said that she missed me, that she is overwhelmed and sad, and she told her mom that she is going to go out to dinner with me. The confusion builds inside of me. I still have not received this elusive letter, though.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you're going to get this letter. I doubt she's even written it.

 

When I said if you do get it, the letter will be rambling, that was not to disparage her writing skills. These letters are so emotional. They are usually written in a stream of consciousness style & read like incoherent babble because that is the writer's state of mind, mixed up & all over the place. Don't hold out hope that she has the words -- written or spoken -- to explain anything.

[Been]

I understand what your going through- its hard to move on when they still contact you- that's letting you hang on to that last shred of hope.

I was the same as you. I would try to move on and the she would contact me and I'd stumble back down again. Then I pick myself up. Then the process would start again. I think I got tired of getting knocked to the ground lol.

In order for you to move on you have to eliminate her from your life. No texts,no Facebook nothing. Because if you don't this will continue until she meets someone else she deems worthy or she gets bored. And you'll be left putting the pieces back togeather of your life that you put on hold for her. You have a CHOICE in the matter of how someone treats you as a person. A CHOICE on how you let someone treat you and sometimes in all the drama we forget that.

[MilesTruelove]

I understand what your going through- its hard to move on when they still contact you- that's letting you hang on to that last shred of hope.

I was the same as you. I would try to move on and the she would contact me and I'd stumble back down again. Then I pick myself up. Then the process would start again. I think I got tired of getting knocked to the ground lol.

In order for you to move on you have to eliminate her from your life. No texts,no Facebook nothing. Because if you don't this will continue until she meets someone else she deems worthy or she gets bored. And you'll be left putting the pieces back togeather of your life that you put on hold for her. You have a CHOICE in the matter of how someone treats you as a person. A CHOICE on how you let someone treat you and sometimes in all the drama we forget that.

 

That is sooo much easier said than done. I would be a liar if I said that there was not a huge part of me that still wants to reconcile. I do want something positive to come out of all that has been bad.

 

The fact that she told her mom she was going out to dinner with me says a lot given their relationship. She also told her mom that she misses me and the life we had.

 

She has been reaching out to me more and more with each passing day. And the messages are getting friendlier, more intimate and she is starting to reference our past more. This was her last message to me last night: "Thanks again for the company. I am getting ready to go to bed. Let's continue chatting like this tomorrow if that is okay with you. I have missed talking with you"

 

She knows that I cannot be just friends with her. I've made that blatantly clear. I really do not think that she is being cruel here. I do not think that I am being used. I am very confused by it all, though.

[Been]

I really hope it goes well for you and I do wish you the best.

Just please go by her actions and not so much of what she says.

And when the time comes for you to speak please don't be concerned about "getting back togeather" and not addressing the past problems that lead to the break up.

[dumbass2]

Sorry you're in this situation. I know it sucks. I've been there. You are being strung along and you are the one allowing it. By continuing to talk and be friendly you are not helping the situation. You are enabling this to go on. Forget the letter and set a drop dead day and time within the next week to meet up and talk reconciliation. If she does not agree, then tell her it is best that you two spend time apart, no communication, for a while so you can both think things out. Right now you are not doing what is best for you and any chance for reconciliation. You both need some time apart to see things more clearly. She obviously does not feel the same way about you and the future together. She says she needs time. Well, give her all the time she needs, just not with you giving her the benefit of you still being there for her. I don't feel good about the way she ended things with you. You really need to think about that and how high the chances are that it would happen again if you got back together today.

[love0rlust]

If you're not going to go non-contact (which you probably should've), you should at least be strategic about it.

Play into her positive memories of you, be the guy she fell in love with originally.

You can address the other guy, the relationship problems ect. ect. later on, but doing anything like that now is just going to make it worse.

You seem smart, and you're making some good moves - but while she knows where she stands over you, and that you'd take her back in an instant: you have no control of the situation.

Take a break from talking to her so that you can come back and take control.

[inmyownworld]

It's not clear to me exactly why you broke up or if she left you for someone else. If she broke up with you due to problems with the relationship, she may be in a similar situation as me. I broke up with my ex and I know he wants to reconcile. We are still in contact, but I have given no assurances that we will get back together. I know he still holds out hope, but I need more time to process the break up and what happened with our relationship.

 

I know he would take me back in a heartbeat, but I am in limbo myself. I love him and miss him, but I don't know if our relationship can be repaired, so that's the limbo I am in. If it's a similar situation as mine, I don't think she is stringing you along, or being cruel. She may just need more time to process or figure out what to do. Personally, I keep going along hoping that time will give me an answer to my situation.

 

It seems some people see this as she has some sort of hold or control of the situation. The problem is, no one knows what she this thinking and feeling on her side. She may be just as lost, devastated, confused etc as you. I know I feel in no way do I have control of my situation even though I know he wants to reconcile. I am completely devastated by my situation, but my ex may be thinking like you, that I am stringing him along. Nothing could be further from the truth.

[MilesTruelove]

I really hope it goes well for you and I do wish you the best.

Just please go by her actions and not so much of what she says.

And when the time comes for you to speak please don't be concerned about "getting back togeather" and not addressing the past problems that lead to the break up.

 

I have mentioned our past some in my letters. I am done with those. I actually think that they have helped in a way as she has told her mom of some of the things that I have said within them... in a positive way. The actions vs words battle is really getting to me. On the one hand, she says all of these things but on the other hand, they have yet to materialize. Why say them? I am super anxious about all of the uncertainty but I am trying my best to be patient with her.

[MilesTruelove]

If you're not going to go non-contact (which you probably should've), you should at least be strategic about it.

Play into her positive memories of you, be the guy she fell in love with originally.

You can address the other guy, the relationship problems ect. ect. later on, but doing anything like that now is just going to make it worse.

You seem smart, and you're making some good moves - but while she knows where she stands over you, and that you'd take her back in an instant: you have no control of the situation.

Take a break from talking to her so that you can come back and take control.

 

Thank you for the encouragement and the advice. I think you are right in your overall assessment here. And yeah, she is clearly in the position of power here.

[MilesTruelove]

It's not clear to me exactly why you broke up or if she left you for someone else. If she broke up with you due to problems with the relationship, she may be in a similar situation as me. I broke up with my ex and I know he wants to reconcile. We are still in contact, but I have given no assurances that we will get back together. I know he still holds out hope, but I need more time to process the break up and what happened with our relationship.

 

I know he would take me back in a heartbeat, but I am in limbo myself. I love him and miss him, but I don't know if our relationship can be repaired, so that's the limbo I am in. If it's a similar situation as mine, I don't think she is stringing you along, or being cruel. She may just need more time to process or figure out what to do. Personally, I keep going along hoping that time will give me an answer to my situation.

 

It seems some people see this as she has some sort of hold or control of the situation. The problem is, no one knows what she this thinking and feeling on her side. She may be just as lost, devastated, confused etc as you. I know I feel in no way do I have control of my situation even though I know he wants to reconcile. I am completely devastated by my situation, but my ex may be thinking like you, that I am stringing him along. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

 

I thank you for your post here. You have a unique perspective and one that I needed to hear. While I do value the time that everyone on this thread has taken, it has seemed like the chorus of people suggesting that she is using me is a bit too strong at times. It seems as if that is where the mind naturally goes for a lot of people but reality is often more complicated and not quite as malicious as one might think.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are stuck in limboland as well...even as the dumper. It is a terrible place to be with all of the uncertainty and I really feel for you.

 

She has given me no assurances but she does do things that give me hope. My latest update came to me this morning. She reached out to me to see if I wanted to go out to coffee one morning soon. I accepted. We do not have a firm day yet as she claims she needs to check her schedule. If you have been reading this thread, you will have likely seen where I asked her to lunch or dinner close to a month ago. She accepted dinner and that has yet to happen as her schedule keeps getting in the way.

 

She has told her mom that she misses me and that she has been miserable and not going out much. I am not really sure what gives. Her mom gets the impression that she wants to go out but is afraid of something. Anyways, I am really at a loss at this point.

[BarbedFenceRider]

You keep seeing her as someone you want to see. Not the wolf in sheeps clothing. Sorry. But getting coffee, doesn't require much thought. She is still stringing you along. I hope that you seriously spend some time reading up on positions in relationships. Because you are a beta. And she has lost respect for you.

 

I still maintain that getting engaged for marriage is no simple task. And it takes real commitment. If she broke that off from the very beginning of this thread, you have your answer. She is not a safe partner. But I'm still hedging my bet that there is another guy/guys. She is young. She has options. And you are like the 4th. or 5th. guy in line.

 

I guess I'm traditional in that I don't believe in playing games like this. But there it is...You are the perfect beta that keeps the games alive and strong. Smarter men will learn from this thread and know to keep away from toxic people such as your ex. And she will always be your ex. You can count on it. Meanwhile at 29 years old, you are wasting your time on her and good girls are being snatched out from under you. Bravo. Only hope you learn to NC soon and move on. Sorry if so brutal, it is not my intention. just hate seeing good guys that expect so much more, to be handed a sh** sandwich and forced to enjoy eating it!