When Will The Pain Go Away

[clist8511]

To the outside world, I am coping.

 

Inside, I'm not.

 

The break up I went through in 2014/2015 was emotionally difficult, and, at times, physically. But it was never psychological. It never affected my thinking, nor my perceptions of men and women, nor did it destroy my personal self-image.

 

My 2017 break up with this woman has destroyed me in every way. Physically, I feel broken. My legs are sore, I have developed eczema, I've put on weight because I don't care about my diet anymore. I don't get haircuts. I don't really wash as often as I should. Perhaps if I did all of those things, I'd feel better. But the truth is that I am feeling so worthless, so unmotivated, so full of fatigue that I just can't be bothered. I would rather sleep all day. Do nothing. I don't feel like I exist.

 

My 2017 ex left me for a man - I'm a woman, so is she. I was the first woman she'd been with. She was also highly abusive towards me - something I didn't know existed; emotional abuse. I thought we just didn't get on. But she is a psychopath, and twisted my entire brain into mush.

 

I've developed an intense hatred of men. No, not all men; just the types I think she would like. Hyper masculine, tall, muscular, big penis, etc. I know the guy she is with looks like that, as she giggled to herself in front of me when she described him (at the same time as telling me he was "just a friend" - why are they always "just friends"?). I did not used to feel like this. I watch porn with people that look like them both physically. I masturbate and then I cry. I feel no desire to enter another relationship as I can't risk being hurt, and I can't trust anyone. I have been told I was loved, that she would always be there for me, and she isn't. I have been abandoned. I don't exist to her. Two and a half years turned into nothing. I can't even contact her because she is so hostile, so unpredictable, so volatile... anything she says will destroy me further, even if she's nice towards me.

 

People keep telling me to give it time. It's been ten weeks NC, and I don't feel any better. Every day is pain. Every day I cry. I do this weird crying that doesn't even seem voluntary; it just starts as I'm sitting on the toilet, or brushing my teeth. I dread to think what my neighbours must think is going on.

 

I have no idea when this pain will go away. I feel like my old self has died. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Edited December 23, 2017 by clist8511

[sdraw108]

Hi,

 

I had a quick look at your thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/631164-she-seeing-someone-else

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something similar. My girlfriend (I'm male) left me for another girl that she had been flirting with by text and phone. One day I got back from a weekend work trip and she was gone. She spent a couple of days lying about it, saying she was staying with her mum. Then she admitted the other girl (who lives in another country) flew in to London to meet her and they went on holiday together.

 

For the next 10 days I had a horrendous time. Phone switched off, messages ignored for hours on end, etc. On several occasions she texted me to say that the whole thing had made her realize she loved me and wasn't into women after all. Almost every day she would promise to call me in X number of minutes / hours to talk about it, but then fail to do so, leaving me to face another sleepless night wondering what was happening.

 

She came back, and we went back and forth a few times with reconciliations and breakups. Then one day (about 5 weeks ago), she left our home, telling me she was going to stay with her mum for the night. The next day I got a text saying she was in the other girl's country. That's the last time I saw her. We're now pretty much NC (blocked on phone, contact by email and only for practical issues).

 

I noticed you used the word "abandoned". That's exactly how I felt and feel, and it's not something I've ever felt before in previous breakups. There is something particularly hurtful about one which ends suddenly as a result of your partner meeting someone new. You end up wondering, how can someone who spent years telling you how much they love and care for you, treat you so callously?

 

I have no good answers about how to deal with the pain during those times when you're home alone. I suffer from constant nightmares, random outbursts of tears, and general depression. I struggle to get basic tasks done, like you. I'm normally a positive and happy person, so this is an unusual state of mind for me. Sometimes watching movies or TV shows can be distracting, but they can also contain triggering scenes, so I've started to avoid doing that lately.

 

However, I have found one thing that helps. Staying busy and social. Any time I'm doing something, whether it's work, or socializing, my mind is distracted from how I feel. I joined Meetup.com and after a few weeks of dithering started attending meet ups for things that interest me. It has really helped. Separately, I met someone online who I now message every day and we meet up a couple of times a week. I've become a lot more active with my existing circle of friends. It's important to have people to talk to and hang out with, whether they be family, existing friends, or new ones.

 

I see that you're in the UK like me and obviously awake late, probably for the same reason as me. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to when the rest of the world is asleep.

 

I feel your pain. The other positive thing I would mention, which you probably know, is that this *will* eventually fade and you will be able to function as a normal person again. I remind myself of this every day.

[BaileyB]

Well, it certainly sounds like you are depressed. Have you spoken with your doctor, a counsellor, a good friend?

 

I am so sorry for your pain.

[SixxChick]

Time. Time will make it go away. The pain, that is. This person will become a distant memory and you WILL rise from the ashes. A part of you might be dead right now, understandably so. But you have no alternative but to reinvent yourself with the knowledge you have gained from this experience. Trust me. I've been there.

 

Guard your heart as best you can the next time around.

[wishyouneverleft]

Time. Time will make it go away. The pain, that is. This person will become a distant memory and you WILL rise from the ashes. A part of you might be dead right now, understandably so. But you have no alternative but to reinvent yourself with the knowledge you have gained from this experience. Trust me. I've been there.

 

Guard your heart as best you can the next time around.

 

How much time did it take you?

[SevenCity]

How much time did it take you?

 

Timelines are different for everyone and every relationship. Having someone new usually speeds it up for me.

 

I was with my ex wife a total of 10 years. It took me about a month to get over it.

 

The girl befor her I was with for a year. Took me a full 2 years before I was over her.

 

My last ex I was with for 7 years and it’s been a year and a half. I’m not sure how long it will take to get over her but I’m not there yet and probably won’t be for a long time or until I find someone better.

 

The tricky thing with my ex is she was the deepest love I’ve ever had in my life - perhaps the only one I truly loved at all. My timeline went something like this:

 

0-6 months: completely devistated. Not eating, nightmares, trying to get through life, crying non stop

6-12 months: still hurt but came to grips and tried to move on

12-18 months: relapse, still pining, lost hope of ever getting over it but became my used to my new life.

 

I’ve read posters say it took them 3-4 years. Some over a decade.

 

I hate to use the line but it will take as long as it takes.

 

The best thing you can do is imagine you are piloting a ship through fog. Don’t make any rash course changes as you may end up hitting something. You know the direction you need to go. Just point in that direction so when you do feel better you have not caused damage by destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, career problems, over eating, etc).

 

I’ve made myself a better person in this time but only because I made a conscious decision not to f up my life any worse than it was and not to make any big decisions until I could see though the fog.

[wishyouneverleft]

Timelines are different for everyone and every relationship. Having someone new usually speeds it up for me.

 

I was with my ex wife a total of 10 years. It took me about a month to get over it.

 

The girl befor her I was with for a year. Took me a full 2 years before I was over her.

 

My last ex I was with for 7 years and it’s been a year and a half. I’m not sure how long it will take to get over her but I’m not there yet and probably won’t be for a long time or until I find someone better.

 

The tricky thing with my ex is she was the deepest love I’ve ever had in my life - perhaps the only one I truly loved at all. My timeline went something like this:

 

0-6 months: completely devistated. Not eating, nightmares, trying to get through life, crying non stop

6-12 months: still hurt but came to grips and tried to move on

12-18 months: relapse, still pining, lost hope of ever getting over it but became my used to my new life.

 

I’ve read posters say it took them 3-4 years. Some over a decade.

 

I hate to use the line but it will take as long as it takes.

 

The best thing you can do is imagine you are piloting a ship through fog. Don’t make any rash course changes as you may end up hitting something. You know the direction you need to go. Just point in that direction so when you do feel better you have not caused damage by destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, career problems, over eating, etc).

 

I’ve made myself a better person in this time but only because I made a conscious decision not to f up my life any worse than it was and not to make any big decisions until I could see though the fog.

 

 

This was very insightful, thank you. My last ex felt like my first true love and I'm starting to see that this process is going to take a long time. As far as rash decisions go, I gained almost 30 lbs since the break up. I just couldn't and can't stand the pain. This was just as deep as when I lost a parent. I'm learning to just carry this pain.

[SevenCity]

This was very insightful, thank you. My last ex felt like my first true love and I'm starting to see that this process is going to take a long time. As far as rash decisions go, I gained almost 30 lbs since the break up. I just couldn't and can't stand the pain. This was just as deep as when I lost a parent. I'm learning to just carry this pain.

 

Glad I could help.

 

Conversely, I lost 40 lbs in the first two months because I had no desire to eat. I wasn’t fat but I like my new weight (and bought all new clothes) so I decided to keep it.

 

Many people turn to things for comfort as result of a breakup; food being one. I’m the opposite, I completely lose my appetite when I’m upset.

 

It’s a long, tough road to navigate. Working out can help by releasing natural endorphins and helping you get back to your desired weight.

 

What you are going though is normal. Just don’t let it break you. Eventually you’ll be ok, but it will take longer than you want or think it should.

[SixxChick]

How much time did it take you?

 

About a year and a half. I say "about" because it was a gradual transition. It's not like I woke up one morning and said, "You know what? I'm over it." Because of his decision to completely bail (without a goodbye, thank you, I'm sorry, or even have a nice life), I had no alternative but to move on. Consequently, thoughts, anger, sadness, and all of the stages of grief ran their course to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I stopped beating myself up for being so stupid and not seeing all of the red flags that were present to remind me that this person ultimately turned out to be a user. But when you are wearing rose colored glasses, those red flags are impossible to see. Or maybe it's more like we refuse to see them. I don't know. The one thing I did get out of it is the fine-tuning of my radar.

 

Some relationships only last for a season. I hope you get to the point where you too will realize that certain people come into our lives to teach us. We all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them.

 

I hope 2018 has better things in store for you and for all of us.

Edited December 26, 2017 by SixxChick

[clist8511]

Thank you for all the replies - it really means a lot to know that people are out there going through similar things, and I'm not just crazy.

 

I do worry about the length of time it's taking me to get over this... I think someone asked if I was on medication? Yes, I've started taking it as I have become almost glued to my bed and can only really manage to do tasks for about an hour or so before the motivation dies down. I sound really pathetic when I type it out... it just all feels so surreal.

 

Everyone keeps saying time will heal, but I don't know. How can time 'heal' this? The fact is that she's gone and that's the end of it.

 

I might as well be honest and say that I contacted her just after Christmas - it was the holiday season, and I was feeling terrible, and the pain was so overwhelming I can remember sitting on the edge of my bed and thinking "to hell with it", and that it couldn't get any worse than what I was feeling.

 

So I made an IG account and messaged her. Basically I said that I was feeling horrible about the way things had ended, and she said she did too. She started telling me that I had lots of things to work on and look forward to. I then said that my life didn't seem to be moving forward like hers was - to which she said that she was taking it one day at a time like me, and was also finding things hard. I then stupidly asked whether she really was seeing someone and she said she wasn't, that she is in fact single, and that it was just something she said in the heat of the moment to hurt me. The conversation ended with us asking how each other's lives were going and saying "take care of yourself" etc.

 

It felt at the time like closure, but it doesn't feel like that now. I know I should not have contacted her, but this break up has affected me so much that at the time I did not see any other way through or around it. All I want to do is contact her again, but I know her personality - she'll become annoyed that I've come 'back' and that I won't let her move on, or something like that. In my other thread I've spoken about her and how I have had to catch her in the right mood, etc. What I don't want to do is to ruin that ending we just had, which sounds pathetic, but I don't want to end on another argument, so I have no choice but to stay in NC.

 

I can't stop thinking about her and this all still feels like a dream. I wish I could just not feel anything but I still do. My friend is becoming tired of me talking about this and I'm running out of people to be around.

 

I just don't know what to do or who to talk to. I see a counsellor every Monday but it's not really helping, to be honest.

 

I feel really sad and numb and hopeless and just depressed all the time. I check my emails all the time to see if she has had a change of heart and there is never anything there. I don't know why there would be. I'm so used to her dumping me and then coming back that maybe thats why I can't move on. I can't think why else this is so hard.

[clist8511]

I really find myself missing her 'support' - things she'd suggest to me if I didn't know what to do or how she'd listen if I was upset about something. I worry that my life is going to somehow fall apart, that I won't know how to do something, etc. I know that probably sounds irrational, but that's what I'm feeling.

 

Then I started having thoughts of - "well, I could just message her to ask her how to go about such-and-such" - of course, that's stupid, right?

 

It feels like every day I wake up there's a period of about 15 minutes or so that I don't remember or think about this and then all of a sudden I remember, and the thoughts come flooding back in, and then my mood for the day is set. It's horrible.

 

I really don't want to be in this situation.

 

I try not to beat myself up about contacting her - I'd gone ten weeks without doing so but I just cracked and it didn't help that it was Christmas/New Year, and there were all these feelings swimming around. I miss her so much.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that the relationship was unhealthy and that, even if we did get back together the old issues would come back up and we would split up again. Or even if she did come over, she'd go home and reject me again and I'd be feeling much worse off than I am now.

 

Even though all of those things happened, I still find myself wanting to be around her and I really can't understand why.

[Fever of love]

Totally relate Clist, about missing the support and everything else. Nearly 7 months on for me now, and I recognise what you're going through, but those sort of anxious symptoms are starting for me to recede a bit only now. I didn't even know it was anxiety, or thats what anxiety meant until I had to see my doc.

 

I too have broken NC a couple of times over the festives, because it seemed worth it, and because you think when youre at rock bottom its not going to hurt you more than you're hurting anyway.

 

Only it does hurt more lol. Maybe we only only learn that once we've stuck our hand on the flame enough times. it's getting easier to see that it is just like picking a scab- and equally irresistible.

 

It hurts each time I talk to her, but proving to myself that it does in fact hurt when I speak to her, is maybe kind of building an aversion to speaking to her again.

 

Until the next time the scab itches.

 

Trying to be light, and I am in fact starting to see the tragic ridiculousness of it all these days... but at the same time it is in fact excruciating, and overwhelming right now. It's not funny. But that's only because I spoke to like 4 and half hours ago. I should be OK in a week or so this time haha

 

Her birthday coming up, my birthday coming up this month too. Will I be able to maintain no-contact?

 

I have more chance of turning vegan for January.

[clist8511]

@Fever

 

So in regards to you going to see the doctor, did they put you on medication? Anxiety yeah, that’s the main thing I think. Feeling constantly anxious about a range of things - what if I never meet anyone again? What if she moves on quicker than I do? Etc etc every worst possible thought available seems to come into your head.

 

So how long were you and your ex together and why did you break up? Literally though, that rock bottom thing. I felt like my head was going to explode, lol. The pain was excruciating. Sometimes when I think I want to contact I have to quickly think, am I going to keep contacting her until she meets someone? Then what?

 

Tried to find comfort in the thought that she said one day we could possibly be ‘friends’, but what that means is just one message each asking “how are you” and then more silence. Not really a comfort after all.

 

What did you and your ex talk about the last time you spoke? What were her responses like?

 

Lol, birthdays, ugh. Her’s is in Feb and let’s not forget Valentine’s Day ughhhhh

[Fever of love]

Clist

 

We were together 22 years, and we split up because she blindsided me. I didnt see it coming. We were in Denmark for a wedding 2 weeks beforehand, and it was sweet as ever.

 

Then she dumped me. Then she was with someone else four weeks later. I wasn't on this board at time, but I assure you I lost my fecking marbles. I went immediately NC at that point, or had my first attempt at NC anyway, but what I was going through was properly excruciating. It felt like my DNA was popping like popcorn in a pan. No sleep, couldn't eat, heart constantly beating like I had ran a marathon- for weeks on end.

 

So I went to the doctor, and he prescribed betablockers and diazepam, and explained it was anxiety, and that it was a common reaction to traumatic life events, etc etc. He also recommended NHS wellbeing counselling services if required.

 

As for what we last spoke about... the second last time she tuned up at my door after 25 days NC on the 20th December, and was very warm, the warmest shes been since the split. Saying she was worried for me being alone over xmas, 'Only I understand her', all that kind of chat, while shaking her butt at me more than is strictly required in a friendly context.

 

That gave me hope she may turn up unexpectedly at xmas, and she had discovered the grass was not, in fact, greener. But did she hell! I wasn't as crushed as I would have been if the breakup was 2 months fresher, but yeah it stung like hell and set me back a bit. i had recovered by yesterday though and was feeling quite good...

 

Then today, is the anniversary of her grandmothers death in Copenhagen. Her grandmother knew me well, and loved me and our union.I knew it would set me back to reach out offer a chance to talk about her gran, but I figured I kind of owed it to the grandmother, as much as the granddaughter. I offered to meet up for a coffee, but I predictably got the KB.

 

As I was saying, I might be slow- I'm starting to perceive a pattern haha.

Edited January 7, 2018 by Fever of love

[clist8511]

@Fever

 

22 years. I’m so sorry - but no wonder you were experiencing such terrible anxiety afterwards. Is she still with the person now?

 

It’s always tricky when something happens in their family and it’s the same family you were a part of - I remember that happening with my last ex, I knew her dad and we got on, and I felt a major loss there, too.

 

What else have you been doing to cope? Do you work?

 

I’m starting to think it’s best to stay away from relationships. I mean, look at your story - 22 years together and then bam, nothing. It seems that it isn’t about the length of time you’re with someone, nothing can stop someone from leaving. Relationships are so scary.

 

I’m feeling less upset at the moment. I think maybe coming on these boards and just writing and writing has helped a bit. I hope so, anyway.

[clist8511]

I'm really considering not continuing with my counsellor.

 

The whole idea of this counselling was for abuse and emotional abuse, yet whenever I try to talk about it, she doesn't seem... I'm not going to say 'not interested', but just, as if I'm there to talk about other issues, or something. I'm there to discuss the actual relationship, and she just doesn't seem to be catering to that.

 

Plus, I'm feeling kind of drained of talking about it all. I've been in counselling since we split and what else is there to say or to understand about it all? I hurt, I miss her, etc. I don't think I need to discuss it anymore. And is it helping me to move on? Every week, talking about the relationship as if it's still a thing? It isn't. For all I know my ex could be with someone else - I doubt SHE is sitting down discussing ME every week.

 

I don't know.

[Fever of love]

@Fever

 

22 years. I’m so sorry - but no wonder you were experiencing such terrible anxiety afterwards. Is she still with the person now?

 

It’s always tricky when something happens in their family and it’s the same family you were a part of - I remember that happening with my last ex, I knew her dad and we got on, and I felt a major loss there, too.

 

What else have you been doing to cope? Do you work?

 

I’m starting to think it’s best to stay away from relationships. I mean, look at your story - 22 years together and then bam, nothing. It seems that it isn’t about the length of time you’re with someone, nothing can stop someone from leaving. Relationships are so scary.

 

I’m feeling less upset at the moment. I think maybe coming on these boards and just writing and writing has helped a bit. I hope so, anyway.

 

Yeah I think she's still with him. Hurts like feck, aint going to lie. On my good days I remember I'm irreplaceable- then on bad days it clicks that she's replaced me haha. Then I remember he is bound to fail. Ad ifinitum.

 

As I'm sure I said a couple of times on the board, its like that conjuring trick, The Magic Curtain: 'One minute you see 'em, the next you don't!' You have to get used to Magic Curtain, it's part of life.

 

And yeah finding the boards and venting here helps a lot- recognising that it's a universal experience helps in understanding you're not losing your mind. Everyone thinks their experience is unique, but I've spoke to guys who have even had the exact same dream as me, of walking around asking everyone where his wife was.

 

It's really interesting in a way. All you can do is take a back seat and observe the process happening.

 

You're right the 22 year thing taught me a harsh lesson though- I was so comfy last June. I truly thought we were together for life. Seems it's true that all things must pass.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[Fever of love]

I'm really considering not continuing with my counsellor.

 

The whole idea of this counselling was for abuse and emotional abuse, yet whenever I try to talk about it, she doesn't seem... I'm not going to say 'not interested', but just, as if I'm there to talk about other issues, or something. I'm there to discuss the actual relationship, and she just doesn't seem to be catering to that.

 

Plus, I'm feeling kind of drained of talking about it all. I've been in counselling since we split and what else is there to say or to understand about it all? I hurt, I miss her, etc. I don't think I need to discuss it anymore. And is it helping me to move on? Every week, talking about the relationship as if it's still a thing? It isn't. For all I know my ex could be with someone else - I doubt SHE is sitting down discussing ME every week.

 

I don't know.

 

Is it NHS counselling? My doc signed me up for it when the symptoms were peaking, but because of the lengthy wait I'm now feeling, like yourself, that I can't be bothered talking to some bored worker with his or her own marital drama and/or affair on their mind.

 

And if your ex is NOT discussing you, you can be sure she internalising her thoughts of you, but shes most definitely having them.

[clist8511]

@Fever

 

No, it’s counselling provided by a charity that deals with domestic abuse - the lady is a trained domestic abuse counsellor but I’m really not feeling it.

 

I’m sure she does think about me; when I spoke to her she said that she was ‘taking it one day at a time’ which to me indicates that she may be finding it difficult, too.

 

Thank you - good luck on yours, too. I hope everything works out well for you.

[clist8511]

Today, I feel really very frustrated with this situation. I feel almost angry; in fact I do feel angry. I feel angry that I even have to do this whole ‘No Contact’ thing with someone I just want to talk to. I feel angry that this is the only way out of the situation, and I almost feel like breaking NC out of anger – a kind of breaking the ‘rules’, if you will.

 

Neither of us have each other’s number – the only way I can message her is to create an Instagram account and then DM her. Of course, from my side that seems quite rational, and the last time I did it she responded relatively OK. But from her side, if I did it again I’m sure she’d get annoyed – to be fair, so would I. If someone I broke up with kept making IG accounts and messaging me to ‘talk’, it would be stopping me from moving on, and yeah, I think while I’d try to be understanding, it would be slightly irritating. Who really wants an ex popping up when you’re trying to move on?

 

I feel annoyed that this is the situation I’m in. There is literally nothing I can do. I have one person IRL to talk to about this, and it’s difficult when I’m starting to feel paranoid about talking about this again and again.

 

I am in NC but I am not feeling any relief, my mind is still very much on my ex. I just want to be out, to be free of this. And while my ex said that she is in fact single and healing from this, of course she will move on at some point. And the thought of that is so upsetting.

 

I am doing everything I can (bar the contact after 10 weeks NC) to move on from this and I still feel very much fixated on her. It’s been I think… wait, well I last spoke to her in October, then at the end of December so what, three months? I feel like I have gone mad. She broke up with me in July and I was fine and dealing with things well until September when we slept together. Then that awful month of contact we had until I went NC in October. It’s such a mess. I just want to feel better.

[clist8511]

I wish I knew what the answer was, how I get myself to stop feeling like this.

Just ten minutes ago I was looking out of the window, and I saw a couple of cars parked on the street; I then started getting upset because I remembered how she probably parks HER car on the street, and how I ‘miss’ her car, and how I wish her car was parked outside.

 

It all feels so ridiculous. The fact that she is alive somewhere and living, and I can’t even talk to her or see her. I feel weird, depersonalised, is this really happening? When will this end? Should I just throw myself into the fire and contact her and to hell with all of this? I am tired of feeling like this.

 

I considered coming away from LS but then I would have no outlet for this very painful, very intense subject. I feel tense in that I sometimes end up clenching my hands without even noticing it.

 

Is it because it was an abusive/traumatic relationship why it’s taking so long to get over? Am I dragging it out? Should I just sleep with someone else? Am I obsessed? I am starting to feel like I don’t even know what’s going on, anymore.

 

And the fact that we don’t have each other’s phone numbers; while I hate this, I think it’s probably the best thing that could have happened. No waiting for contact, no late-night NC slip ups.

 

I check my emails all the time, I don’t even know I’m doing it. I keep hoping to see her name in the inbox, but it’s never there. I really hate feeling like this.

[SevenCity]

I wish I knew what the answer was, how I get myself to stop feeling like this.

Just ten minutes ago I was looking out of the window, and I saw a couple of cars parked on the street; I then started getting upset because I remembered how she probably parks HER car on the street, and how I ‘miss’ her car, and how I wish her car was parked outside.

 

It all feels so ridiculous. The fact that she is alive somewhere and living, and I can’t even talk to her or see her. I feel weird, depersonalised, is this really happening? When will this end? Should I just throw myself into the fire and contact her and to hell with all of this? I am tired of feeling like this.

 

I considered coming away from LS but then I would have no outlet for this very painful, very intense subject. I feel tense in that I sometimes end up clenching my hands without even noticing it.

 

Is it because it was an abusive/traumatic relationship why it’s taking so long to get over? Am I dragging it out? Should I just sleep with someone else? Am I obsessed? I am starting to feel like I don’t even know what’s going on, anymore.

 

And the fact that we don’t have each other’s phone numbers; while I hate this, I think it’s probably the best thing that could have happened. No waiting for contact, no late-night NC slip ups.

 

I check my emails all the time, I don’t even know I’m doing it. I keep hoping to see her name in the inbox, but it’s never there. I really hate feeling like this.

 

Everything you wrote here was EXACTLY what I went through, and to a degree still do though less frequently and with less pain.

 

All I can say is it will get easier with time. Think of it like being in a bad car accident. You can't expect to feel better right away, you need time to heal.

 

One of two things will happen, either you will heal and become 100% better, or you will get to the point where you can deal with it.

 

I never though I would come as far as I have but here I am. Not completely healed, but dealing with things a lot better.

[clist8511]

I more and more am feeling like I have nowhere else to turn, and that LS is becoming the only place I can seek help.

 

Yesterday, I thought I would look into different dating apps/websites (which is something I don’t want to do, but I was feeling desperate for instant human interaction). The thinking behind this was that perhaps I could just ‘talk’ to other women and see how I felt about that. So, I downloaded a few and signed in… I wasn’t able to really find anyone I found attractive – not that I thought everyone was ‘ugly’, but just that I was still comparing to my ex in terms of looks. So I just deleted all the apps I’d downloaded.

 

I think my mood during this was relatively OK – but I remember waking up at around 4am or so, and realising that it may be the case that I’ll be alone forever. I’m not really an extrovert, and meeting people is quite difficult for me just based on the fact that a) I don’t really have people to socialise WITH in the first place, so going out and meeting new people is harder than it would be with a group of friends and b) I’m quite shy, introverted and a bit awkward so again – approaching a woman isn’t easy.

 

Based on this thinking, I realise it’s either online dating (which I don’t really enjoy/like) or struggle through life on my own.

 

I tried to spend time with my aunt and her two sons, but without being rude she is incredibly difficult for me to be around for long periods of time. She smokes a lot of marijuana and her moods are strange, as well as her outlooks/opinions on life. For example, she can be quite homophobic. Not in an outright RUDE way, but just her general views on things… she kept referring to a trans person as ‘it’ and it just got under my skin.

 

She has a dog, which she doesn’t really look after, and it hurts me because I really care about animals and there’s not much I can do about him. She often shouts at him for things he hasn’t meant to do and threatens to abandon him, things like that – it makes me resent her. I don’t speak up because it would result in an argument, and then, even though I said I don’t like spending too much time around her, would result in me losing my only form of easy accessible actual human company.

 

She also just makes offensive comments – I told her I was going to be buying a bike to save money on travel and she just said “you’re going to waste all your money on bikes”, not quite understand that I am spending a lot more on public transport in the first place. She seems to be living in a sort of bubble in which her opinions and thoughts are rock solid evidence of the world, but she’s actually very ill-informed about a lot of things.

 

So it upsets me that this woman seems to be my only option of family/close human contact. That’s one of the things that’s led to my mood today.

 

Another is the loss of a close friend who decided she didn’t want to speak to me anymore because she finds my presence in her life stressful, and her unborn baby is more important than my friendship;

 

A) It isn’t ME that is the stressful one. Throughout our four-year friendship, I have always been there for her. In fact, we dated initially and then she broke up with me because she was in love with someone else (someone she couldn’t seem to stop talking about while we were dating). Anyway, even after that I ended up being ‘friends’ with her. She is incredibly unreliable – she often ‘hides’ when she’s due to meet someone, using the excuse of falling asleep or something else. If she does turn up, she’s often several hours late; this used to be as many as 6 or 7 hours but I think the amount of people moaning at her made her cut this down to 1 or 2 (which still isn’t acceptable to me). She would often ‘rank’ me against her other friends, treating them better after disagreements, making up quicker, inviting them to her house but not me, blocking me but never blocking anyone else, badmouthing me to others so that everyone else she knows has a bad opinion of me – so much so that I refused to meet any of her other friends because I didn’t feel comfortable around them.

 

B) I’m fine with people prioritising their babies. That’s what I’d do, too. But I feel as if it’s just ME she’s ousting from her life, despite the fact that’s it’s her that’s the problem. Despite the fact that others complain about her and the things she does, it’s ME that gets cut off, and told that I am the stressful one when no, it’s her. In fact, after writing this, I really feel like writing her an email telling her all of this.

 

After writing all of that out, I am glad we don’t talk. But I feel very isolated and alone as we would talk pretty much daily, and the chat would block out these isolated feelings.

 

So, back to my ex. I have depression and my ex would often offer advice and be around me when I needed company, etc. I am probably not thinking clearly, but I have tried NC. I tried it for ten weeks in 2017. It’s now been 4 weeks since I last spoke to her. I am on the verge of contacting her and just explaining that I’m not coping well at all with things, asking if we could meet up or just having someone to talk to that isn’t any of the above people. I am having trouble detaching from her and realising that she may not actually care about me anymore to that level, or that my contact may not be welcomed, or that she may actually be rude and tell me to leave her alone. I have no way of knowing how she will respond, if at all. I feel like I am not getting better. I feel worse. I have no one.

 

I tried to exercise and do the things that help. I now appear to have a slipped disc or something wrong with my back so I can’t go running - running was the thing that I was actually enjoying, even though I’d only been two or three days. Now I can’t go and can barely move around within my flat without deep pain.

 

I am not enjoying university. The journey to uni takes about an hour or so on public transport and slightly longer on my bike. I can’t really afford the public transport option so I bought the bike to make the journey but I feel like I’ve lost all confidence on it since I had an accident a few weeks ago that ended with a bruised rib and fractured foot. Travelling by public transport makes me highly anxious – the amount of people on the way overwhelms me to the point that I’ve often paid £30 or so for a taxi there and back (I can’t afford this at all). Sitting in a room with my peers who all appear so confident and extroverted – talking to each other in the breaks, socialising… I just don’t have it in me. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel so depressed and so alone that I can’t even bear to make the effort which I’m sure is a vicious cycle but there we are.

 

I’ve had counselling and psychotherapy since the break up – both services were not helpful due to the counsellor being heavily pregnant and having to keep taking days off which ended with inconsistent appointments. I’m on medication but I can’t feel any difference. There doesn’t really seem to be that much help for mental illnesses where I am.

 

So my end point is just that I really want to talk to my ex, but I’m scared of her response, scared of how it will make me feel, scared to find out whether she’s with someone else, etc. But I can’t really see how it can get worse than this.

 

TL;DR – My life is in a terrible state. I don’t really have anyone in my life whom I feel I can be around or who can support me during this time and I’m feeling that I’ve exhausted every option in terms of medical and mental health help, dating, working out - each option hasn’t worked for whatever reason. I feel like reaching out to my ex and explaining that I’m not coping, but don’t think this is a good idea and need some kind of rationalisation/help/advice.

[CantTakeMySmile]

TL;DR – My life is in a terrible state. I don’t really have anyone in my life whom I feel I can be around or who can support me during this time and I’m feeling that I’ve exhausted every option in terms of medical and mental health help, dating, working out - each option hasn’t worked for whatever reason. I feel like reaching out to my ex and explaining that I’m not coping, but don’t think this is a good idea and need some kind of rationalisation/help/advice.

 

 

You are 28 days into NC, that is a big feat! Be proud of that.

 

 

If I remember correctly, didn't you say you were not ready to date? I understand you may feel lonely, but why try to force something? It doesn't seem like you have gotten over your ex yet (Correct me if I am wrong), and I don't see any positive coming from trying to date when you are still hung up on someone else. Didn't you try this before and it ended badly? I would expect the same result until you are over the ex.

 

 

I don't see how reaching out to your ex will make you feel better in any way. What is your thought process in believing this may bring you comfort? You can't depend on your dumper to hold your hand/heart during your grieving process.

 

 

What type of activities do you enjoy?

 

 

Slip disc in your back? ouch! I guess riding the bike to college is out now.

Edited January 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[clist8511]

@CantTakeMySmile

 

I’m not ready to date at all, no. I just thought that maybe it would help. I feel desperate for any kind of relief from this pain and thought that maybe if I started speaking to someone else it would serve as a distraction - I know that is the unhealthy way to deal with things, which is why I’ve stayed away from it so far. Yes I did try to date someone before and It did end badly. I was hoping all kinds of things would materialise from the interaction, and when it didn’t it hurt like hell.

 

I’m not sure what speaking to my ex would do. The thought process begins and ends with contacting her; I have no idea what I’d like the outcome to be. I know for a fact that a) she wouldn’t take me back and b) truly, deep down, past all the pain, I KNOW that this isn’t a relationship I want to be in. I just want some relief from this pain, and not to feel so alone. Plus, it's someone I already had some kind of relationship with - but I know it doesn't work like that after you break up. They aren't obligated to talk to you or care about you.

 

I tend to like things such as films, music, video games - they seem quite average but I get a lot of joy out of them, especially films and music. I really get lost in both of those - however I know they’re not the most social of interests. At this point in my life I don’t feel very social, anyway. I enjoyed going out to clubs and festivals, but my level of social anxiety at the moment paired with having to go to something like that alone kind of puts me off, as by nature they are quite social things and I’d feel funny going alone. Other than that I’m not sure really.

 

I know, hopefully it will die down soon and I can get back to riding my bike