When Will The Pain Go Away

[CantTakeMySmile]

@CantTakeMySmile

 

I’m not ready to date at all, no. I just thought that maybe it would help. I feel desperate for any kind of relief from this pain and thought that maybe if I started speaking to someone else it would serve as a distraction - I know that is the unhealthy way to deal with things, which is why I’ve stayed away from it so far. Yes I did try to date someone before and It did end badly. I was hoping all kinds of things would materialise from the interaction, and when it didn’t it hurt like hell.

 

I’m not sure what speaking to my ex would do. The thought process begins and ends with contacting her; I have no idea what I’d like the outcome to be. I know for a fact that a) she wouldn’t take me back and b) truly, deep down, past all the pain, I KNOW that this isn’t a relationship I want to be in. I just want some relief from this pain, and not to feel so alone. Plus, it's someone I already had some kind of relationship with - but I know it doesn't work like that after you break up. They aren't obligated to talk to you or care about you.

 

I tend to like things such as films, music, video games - they seem quite average but I get a lot of joy out of them, especially films and music. I really get lost in both of those - however I know they’re not the most social of interests. At this point in my life I don’t feel very social, anyway. I enjoyed going out to clubs and festivals, but my level of social anxiety at the moment paired with having to go to something like that alone kind of puts me off, as by nature they are quite social things and I’d feel funny going alone. Other than that I’m not sure really.

 

I know, hopefully it will die down soon and I can get back to riding my bike

 

 

I definitely do no think a band aid fix of dating will work. I know it definitely does not work for me. It makes things so much worse. I couldn't imagine someone being affectionate to me right now.

 

 

But, it sounds like you don't have a lot of friends and you seem to crave that social interaction. Why not try meeting people in your area with similar interests? Something like "meetup" if you have that where you are. If not, I think some of the "dating" site may also have a "looking for friends" section. I have done that in the past. Although I am not an avid kayaker, I joined a Kayak group just to meet people. I also joined a dart group and now am an avid player.

 

 

Try to think through the conversation with your ex and see where it goes it your head. Try to think of what you would say to her. Maybe that will provide you more clarity.

[Fever of love]

Do not reach out to your ex.

 

Be proud of being an introvert, because extroverts are dumb. In general that is... apologies to the extroverts on board, meant in humour, but it's always nice when someone is self-contained enough to sit contentedly on their own and read a book.

 

Maybe the introvert/extrovert axis is a bit of a false dichotomy anyway- psychological balance would suggest extreme extroverts should cultivate a little more introspection, while natural introverts should learn some social 'game.' Its just a thing to learn, rather than labeling yourself as one way and sticking to that for life.

 

You don't sound you have exhausted at all medical and/or psychological options Clist. I think your pessimistic view of their failure is just your depression speaking. For one thing, if you have a bad back and have difficulty getting around, then the NHS guideline is to prescribe Valium as an antispasmodic, along with an anti-inflammatory. I get a chronic bad back, that's what always happens.

 

It always samazes me how quickly valium works in relieving my crooked back, its just like turning a switch off, and suddenly I can stand up straight and walk again. Its likely that with you as well- the lower back muscles go into spasm around the vertebrae and stay like that until they relax. If it was a real slipped disk you would be in hospital. See your doc for your back, and open the subject of your distress while you're there. The Valium is obviously also going to have the side effect of helping your agitated mental condition.

 

You sound like your thoughts are running away with you, as you probably know. A councilor or therapist can help you find techniques to control the runaway train, whether through cognitive behavioral therapy, or 'mindfulness' or whatever. Again, these things are NHS standard practice now, so you have to speak to your doctor and maybe find another therapist that's more suited to your needs.

 

Lastly, are you sure you really want to get better? I sometimes felt that I was at some level holding my own healing back, just so I could say to my ex, 'Look what you've done to me you bee-atch!' (even though I don't see her lol) . Are you sure you're not doing that too? Is that not your primary motive in calling her, if you plan on telling her you're not coping? That wont do anyone any good- it wont make you more able to cope, it will only re-enforce the idea that 'not-coping' is the best way to get your ex to talk to you. And I can virtually guarantee that at best it will guilt trip and/or annoy her into talking to you- it certainly won't attract her back to you, if that's your objective. Most likely outcome, as everyone on this board always points out, is that it will just reinforce her decision to distance herself from you.

 

Lastly (again) sort yourself out so you can focus on your university work. Its important, and the mistake fresh students always make is to socialize to excess anyway. I went as a mature student in my 20s, and so wasn't bothered about the social side of things, but just got my head around the subject matter in the university library. 10 years from now, you don't want to be looking back and realizing that you fecked up your degree for the sake of someone you haven't thought about in 9.5 years. I was actually kinda heartbroken over an ex-ex back then too, but nothing like this- and thank god I didnt pack in uni for that cow!

 

Also remember that your university will have access to counselling services too. All Unis in the UK do, it's part of the institution. You could maybe try engaging with the staff there and see if they are more to your liking. They're possibly more used to dealing with young people who have diverse lifestyles and needs than the NHS services anyway, so may be worth a try. Thy'll definitely give you more time than the NHS, and having your attendance at the university councilors on record will help you if you do fall behind with your work.

 

tl:dr: go to your GP about your back. Tell him about your mental distress and disappointment with the previous therapist, but say that your issues are persisting and you still need help. Also engage with your university work, and ask about accessing counselling services there too.

 

Good luck!

[sdraw108]

Do not reach out to your ex.

 

I concur. I was 1 week into NC until yesterday. She found a way to call me (through Viber, an app I never use and hadn't thought to block her on). It definitely set me back.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I concur. I was 1 week into NC until yesterday. She found a way to call me (through Viber, an app I never use and hadn't thought to block her on). It definitely set me back.

 

 

 

 

 

You are still No contacting if you didn't answer! You block her now?

[clist8511]

I definitely do no think a band aid fix of dating will work. I know it definitely does not work for me. It makes things so much worse. I couldn't imagine someone being affectionate to me right now.

 

 

But, it sounds like you don't have a lot of friends and you seem to crave that social interaction. Why not try meeting people in your area with similar interests? Something like "meetup" if you have that where you are. If not, I think some of the "dating" site may also have a "looking for friends" section. I have done that in the past. Although I am not an avid kayaker, I joined a Kayak group just to meet people. I also joined a dart group and now am an avid player.

 

 

Try to think through the conversation with your ex and see where it goes it your head. Try to think of what you would say to her. Maybe that will provide you more clarity.

 

From posts on here and just the way people seem to feel it's that whole thing of feeling like you're 'cheating' on your ex or something. It was a terrible idea to sign up for dating.

 

We do have Meetup here - I've joined it a few years back but have felt nervous about going to anything, to be honest. Sounds like you really found it helpful; how often do you play darts? Kayaking sounds amazing too, you must be quite an adrenaline junkie to be doing that

 

I signed up for that 5K run in April and I found the FB group for it; it's very interactive and people talk a lot on there. I'm just working on getting my fitness back up for the run in April but I see that they hold events all the time and people seem to know each other etc. I am looking forward to being fitter so I can engage in the actual social side more.

[clist8511]

I concur. I was 1 week into NC until yesterday. She found a way to call me (through Viber, an app I never use and hadn't thought to block her on). It definitely set me back.

 

Did you answer it? What did she want, do you know? I'm not surprised you have been set back. Why do they do this

[clist8511]

Thank you for such a detailed reply, Fever. I have read through it and I have seen a lot of interesting and helpful points. When I wrote the post you’re replying to I was feeling terrible; but that extreme low mood seems to have passed for now.

 

So, OK. My back - it’s not as painful as it was and I suspect that it’s my mattress which has caused it so I’ve bought a new one which arrives tomorrow. I’ve spoken to the doctor about it and been given ibuprofen gel which seems to be making it easier to move around.

 

As for my mental health, I’ve spoken to the student support team at uni who have said I can come in and speak to them next week to get an initial support consultation to talk about what’s going on - so that’s good. I have applied for disabled student’s allowance (which I don’t really like doing) but I know that they help with alternative travel arrangements so I hope I can find a solution for the anxiety caused by travelling.

 

I went to uni today - it hit home how you said about being years into the future with no degree because of someone you don’t even think about anymore and yeah, it’s true. I almost didn’t go in, but I have to keep reminding myself why I am even at uni.

 

Lastly, my ex and contact. I think I do want to get better, y’know. I think I just panic when I feel like I can’t cope and automatically want comfort from her. I don’t think at this stage she will want to hear from me, anyway. Speaking to her wouldn’t help in the long run; the conversation would have to end at some point and I’d be quite upset again.

[clist8511]

What I think I find the most upsetting about re-establishing contact with her in particular (I'm sure this must apply to other exes) is that she will always keep a barrier between me and her life.

 

For example, the last time we spoke... as the conversation was coming to a close, I wished her a happy new year, said it was nice to speak to her, etc. She just replied by saying "thanks, you too, have a good one!" I thought, wow. How dismissive. I'm someone you've just had a relationship with, you're talking to me as if I'm some sort of work colleague.

 

I also asked her how things were, how was work, how are things at home? She just said "everything's fine" - oh, right. Like, there is no point trying to be friends with her in the future. I don't know for certain how it would be if we tried, she might be more relaxed, I don't know. But I can't deal with this way in which she closes off her life to me. She sets boundaries (which I'm sure happens in other ex dynamics, not just us two) but I just can't deal with going from being someone's number one to just some kind of weird acquaintance.

 

It's all really difficult to process and understand. My mind is going round and round in circles and at times I feel like I'm going mad... I feel depersonalised, sometimes. I feel exhausted, too.

 

I feel like I should never have got in touch with her in December. I've just got a whole new bunch of things to analyse even though it was like four weeks ago. What does her saying she's "taking one day at a time" mean? Does she find this hard too? Was it a lie to make herself not look like a villain? Why hasn't she bothered to reach out? Why do I even have to do NC?

 

The amount of times I Google "why we should not talk to our exes" every day is unreal.

 

Then today I had a mad urge to bargain with her; perhaps we could be FWB! Or if I contact her and propose that I'll do this and that, we can try again? Or how about we be friends! Yeah, I'm ready to be friends with you now (I'm not!) - lets' be BFFS and you can tell me about your love life (while internally I die)... I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy.

 

Does she even think about me? Is she with someone else? I know that's why we stay NC - because the answers to those questions can be severely painful but I find myself wanting to know the answers. As I said I preferred it when I thought she was with someone. At least then there was no hope. I had a couple of calls from numbers I didn't recognise today and I actually sat there and believed for a second that it was her calling from her new number to tell me she wanted me back. How dumb is that?

 

I just want this to be over, but I know that 14 weeks or so out of a 2.5 year relationship, as well as the facts that I have depression, and the fact that the relationship was unhealthy and abusive with her leaving and coming back all the time is going to make things a lot harder than they should be. Great.

Edited January 24, 2018 by clist8511

[sdraw108]

Did you answer it? What did she want, do you know? I'm not surprised you have been set back. Why do they do this

 

Yes, I was weak and answered it! She didn't want anything concrete. Just to tell me she misses me (so what - how does that help me?) and a bunch of other nonsense, such as continuing to justify cheating and the way she treated me.

 

Then she told me she is changing her number the next day. So now the ability to go NC is actually out of my hands. She can message or call me out of the blue at any point, and I can't even block her because I don't know the new number. I don't really want to change my phone number as I've had it for 17 years.

 

The set back has been quite bad. I'm back to feeling depressed and miserable, having nightmares, and struggling to sleep at night. Pretty much where I was 2 months ago.

 

So my answer to anyone thinking of breaking NC is - don't do it!

[sdraw108]

Also remember that your university will have access to counselling services too. All Unis in the UK do, it's part of the institution.

 

Sorry OP for hijacking your thread but I really wanted to say a huge thanks for this Fever. I had no idea about this (or I suppose I did but it was buried knowledge as I'd never needed it before). I recently got referred by my GP for counseling but gave up after being told there was a 5 month waiting list. I'm due to start a university course next week so I will be making sure I get my money's worth with their counseling service (I checked and they have one, as you suggested)!

[clist8511]

Asking for her number

She is likely to refuse this, which will make me feel upset.

 

If she agrees, I will be reduced to hoping she contacts me/watching her on WhatsApp – both unhealthy behaviours and not helpful.

 

I will end up messaging her ‘too much’ (as if we were still a couple)/telling her I miss her/asking her if she’s met someone. Not helpful.

 

Asking to meet up

 

May end with us sleeping together, and being rejected. Intensely painful, and not a situation I want to be in again.

 

She may refuse – I will become upset and believe it’s because of someone else, even if that isn’t confirmed.

 

She may agree but act platonically around me which will be difficult to deal with – I will want to hug/kiss/act like a couple – she won’t.

 

She may agree and be open about contacting her new partner while with me, or leave earlier than I expect because she has to see someone else or has things to do. Will make me feel horrible and unimportant to her.

 

Asking if she’s met someone else

I will be given the answer of “yes”. This is the worst outcome and I will not be satisfied with just that answer. I’ll end up getting upset and asking who is it, man or woman, when did it start – maybe even feeling angry that she has moved on and I am still upset over her. Compare myself, seek out details, feel invalid.

 

She won’t want to tell me or will say she doesn’t want to talk about it – this is worse than hearing “yes”. It is pretty much a confirmation, but makes me feel as if the person is so sacred that I am not allowed to know anything about them, and that I am so unimportant to her that I can’t even know whether she’s dating someone. A whole secret, new world that I’m not part of. Just an annoying ex that asks stupid questions. This will make me feel horrible. There is no sugar coating this one or pretending I can cope with this.

 

She’ll say she hasn’t. This will keep me hanging on for reconciliation. Hope that she doesn’t meet anyone. A desire to be notified when she does meet someone else. Confirmation that she still loves me and can’t move on yet (which isn’t the case). Being told that she hasn’t met someone does not help me.

 

Asking to try and be friends

I would do this and my motive is clearly that I hope we drift back together. I am not able to sit with her on the sofa and act platonically. I tried that and it upset me – I couldn’t stand to see her messaging someone else and being secretive about it. I felt horrible and I felt like I wasn’t entitled to be upset.

 

I would break boundaries – I would tell her I still loved her and missed her, and she would not reciprocate. I would then ask whether she did too and she’d say “No, I don’t” or “I don’t think that’s appropriate”. Of course this would hurt. Not a good idea.

 

Asking to Get Back Together

 

If she agreed, it's unlikely that she's changed. She will go back to treating me badly emotionally and psychologically. We will more than likely break up again and I will have to begin this all over again. I can't do that.

 

She has already left me once. She can do it again.

 

She may have been with someone else in the interim and I wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with knowing this. I wouldn't trust her, either. Wouldn't trust her not to run off again and I wouldn't trust who she was talking to on the phone - I don't know what connections she's built while we haven't been talking.

 

 

 

Not ready to do any of these. Been as honest with myself in this as I could have, and it's clear I can't break NC.

 

So basically there is not really an outcome of breaking NC that I’m ready for. She is very pragmatic and I feel like some of the things she does that I’ve stated above are quite rational break up behaviours, but I’m just not able to deal with any of them.

Edited February 10, 2018 by clist8511

[sdraw108]

That's a great analysis. I almost feel like it should be a pinned post. Really covers all the bases.

 

In my opinion there are only three situations in which it's worth breaking NC:

 

 

1. (a) You both want to reconcile; and (b) They do a complete 180 and are 100% remorseful (for whatever they did wrong, if anything), 100% regret their decision to break up, and 100% willing to make an effort to fix the mistakes of the past. [in this scenario, it's for them to break NC with a highly convincing request to get back together - and you should remain utterly skeptical throughout the process]
   
2. You have practical issues to deal with that can't be avoided (e.g. financial issues, paperwork, children). [in this scenario, adopt minimal business-only contact until the issue is settled]
   
3. (a) It's been long enough that your romantic feelings are 100% dead; and (b) You want a friendship with them.
   

[clist8511]

That's a great analysis. I almost feel like it should be a pinned post. Really covers all the bases.

 

In my opinion there are only three situations in which it's worth breaking NC:

 

 

1. (a) You both want to reconcile; and (b) They do a complete 180 and are 100% remorseful (for whatever they did wrong, if anything), 100% regret their decision to break up, and 100% willing to make an effort to fix the mistakes of the past. [in this scenario, it's for them to break NC with a highly convincing request to get back together - and you should remain utterly skeptical throughout the process]
   
2. You have practical issues to deal with that can't be avoided (e.g. financial issues, paperwork, children). [in this scenario, adopt minimal business-only contact until the issue is settled]
   
3. (a) It's been long enough that your romantic feelings are 100% dead; and (b) You want a friendship with them.
   

 

 

Thanks sdraw. I really sat there and thought about every single outcome. It stopped me from breaking NC this morning, if nothing else lol.

 

Your list is on point. Those are the ONLY reasons to stay in touch. And usually by the time the feelings have died you don't even care, so reaching out is pointless - unless you were best BEST friends...!!

 

At the end of the day it's up to them. They have all the power. If they never reach out then you can never take the risk of doing so. Horrible, really.

 

Anyway how have you been? x

[Logo]

 

Everyone keeps saying time will heal, but I don't know. How can time 'heal' this? The fact is that she's gone and that's the end of it.

 

 

Relationships and breakups are strange. I took better care of myself immediately after the breakup than I did a few months later. I think I had that hope and eagerness to find someone who would treat me better and then things took a wrong turn when I realized that there are more bad apples out there than I had thought.

 

More than a year has passed. Yes, time makes the attachment and sense of loss fade away. It makes the memories fade away, especially the good memories. And what lingers a bit longer are the negative thoughts, the wrongs, the hurtful words, but those eventually fade away too. So what am I left with?

 

I'm left with an experience (the relationship) that changed my perception and my personality for years to come. It's like having a physical injury. It heals. The pain goes away. But the scar is still there or in other cases, it might change the way someone walks, they might have limited mobility, etc.

 

These days, I find it emotionally taxing to go through the process of going on dates or starting a relationship. I want it, but the minute I find the tiniest of red flags, I'm out. The butterflies are gone. I feel no excitement. Searching for love has become more mechanical than emotional. It's also hard to get dates, to find someone that I'm attracted to and who's attracted to me, someone with whom I have shared interests. I also find the initial uncertainty to be emotionally exhausting and I prefer to avoid it. It's sort of like, "Sigh, I have to go through the whole courting process and getting to know the other person, bleh." Then I recall how nice it was to have that comfortable familiarity with my ex. Unfortunately it wasn't full or honest familiarity. She was hiding things from me. Still, there was an overall veneer of familiarity that felt good.

 

Ultimately, to find love and to be in love one has to also make oneself emotionally vulnerable. You have to put yourself out there and make an effort and open up. But all I feel is, bleh; "it'll happen whenever it happens."

 

 

The best you can do, now and in the next few months, is to keep yourself busy and productive. Engage in positive activities that will make you feel accomplished and proud. Don't think about it. Just do it, even if just for the sake of just doing it. It's a healthy way to heal and build up your confidence and self esteem. Hopefully, you'll have better luck than I did. Don't forget to surround yourself with positive people, either family or friends or both. They are a blessing and will help you cope throughout the way.

 

Most importantly, remember that you will get through this. The first 6 months are a roller coaster of emotions, lots of tears and distracting thoughts. But you will get through it. Never lose hope.

[Beachead]

Asking for her number

She is likely to refuse this, which will make me feel upset.

 

If she agrees, I will be reduced to hoping she contacts me/watching her on WhatsApp – both unhealthy behaviours and not helpful.

 

I will end up messaging her ‘too much’ (as if we were still a couple)/telling her I miss her/asking her if she’s met someone. Not helpful.

 

Asking to meet up

 

May end with us sleeping together, and being rejected. Intensely painful, and not a situation I want to be in again.

 

She may refuse – I will become upset and believe it’s because of someone else, even if that isn’t confirmed.

 

She may agree but act platonically around me which will be difficult to deal with – I will want to hug/kiss/act like a couple – she won’t.

 

She may agree and be open about contacting her new partner while with me, or leave earlier than I expect because she has to see someone else or has things to do. Will make me feel horrible and unimportant to her.

 

Asking if she’s met someone else

I will be given the answer of “yes”. This is the worst outcome and I will not be satisfied with just that answer. I’ll end up getting upset and asking who is it, man or woman, when did it start – maybe even feeling angry that she has moved on and I am still upset over her. Compare myself, seek out details, feel invalid.

 

She won’t want to tell me or will say she doesn’t want to talk about it – this is worse than hearing “yes”. It is pretty much a confirmation, but makes me feel as if the person is so sacred that I am not allowed to know anything about them, and that I am so unimportant to her that I can’t even know whether she’s dating someone. A whole secret, new world that I’m not part of. Just an annoying ex that asks stupid questions. This will make me feel horrible. There is no sugar coating this one or pretending I can cope with this.

 

She’ll say she hasn’t. This will keep me hanging on for reconciliation. Hope that she doesn’t meet anyone. A desire to be notified when she does meet someone else. Confirmation that she still loves me and can’t move on yet (which isn’t the case). Being told that she hasn’t met someone does not help me.

 

Asking to try and be friends

I would do this and my motive is clearly that I hope we drift back together. I am not able to sit with her on the sofa and act platonically. I tried that and it upset me – I couldn’t stand to see her messaging someone else and being secretive about it. I felt horrible and I felt like I wasn’t entitled to be upset.

 

I would break boundaries – I would tell her I still loved her and missed her, and she would not reciprocate. I would then ask whether she did too and she’d say “No, I don’t” or “I don’t think that’s appropriate”. Of course this would hurt. Not a good idea.

 

Asking to Get Back Together

 

If she agreed, it's unlikely that she's changed. She will go back to treating me badly emotionally and psychologically. We will more than likely break up again and I will have to begin this all over again. I can't do that.

 

She has already left me once. She can do it again.

 

She may have been with someone else in the interim and I wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with knowing this. I wouldn't trust her, either. Wouldn't trust her not to run off again and I wouldn't trust who she was talking to on the phone - I don't know what connections she's built while we haven't been talking.

 

 

 

Not ready to do any of these. Been as honest with myself in this as I could have, and it's clear I can't break NC.

 

So basically there is not really an outcome of breaking NC that I’m ready for. She is very pragmatic and I feel like some of the things she does that I’ve stated above are quite rational break up behaviours, but I’m just not able to deal with any of them.

 

That is some awesome top level analysis Clist8511. What you wrote there is something I would read everyday or even actually print out and keep in a visible place to remind me. Everytime that anxiety kicks up, there it is to remind you.

 

What if I told you she's gone and she is never coming back (In a spiritual sense)?

 

The questions then are, where does that leave you? How do you carry on? What now? How do you go from here? How do you begin?

[DontBreakEven]

What I think I find the most upsetting about re-establishing contact with her in particular (I'm sure this must apply to other exes) is that she will always keep a barrier between me and her life.

 

For example, the last time we spoke... as the conversation was coming to a close, I wished her a happy new year, said it was nice to speak to her, etc. She just replied by saying "thanks, you too, have a good one!" I thought, wow. How dismissive. I'm someone you've just had a relationship with, you're talking to me as if I'm some sort of work colleague.

 

But I can't deal with this way in which she closes off her life to me. She sets boundaries (which I'm sure happens in other ex dynamics, not just us two) but I just can't deal with going from being someone's number one to just some kind of weird acquaintance.

 

It's all really difficult to process and understand. My mind is going round and round in circles and at times I feel like I'm going mad... I feel depersonalised, sometimes. I feel exhausted, too.

 

Gosh, you took the words right out of my mouth. I just tried explaining this to the girl that recently ended things with me but still is staying in contact. Tried explaining how stiff everything feels now, and how I don't like that the way we talk to each other has changed so drastically .. that I have no real insight into her life or emotions anymore .. that I absolutely cannot stand going from intimate to cordial in the blink of an eye. You describe this feeling perfectly. You're definitely not alone in feeling it.

[Beachead]

Gosh, you took the words right out of my mouth. I just tried explaining this to the girl that recently ended things with me but still is staying in contact. Tried explaining how stiff everything feels now, and how I don't like that the way we talk to each other has changed so drastically .. that I have no real insight into her life or emotions anymore .. that I absolutely cannot stand going from intimate to cordial in the blink of an eye. You describe this feeling perfectly. You're definitely not alone in feeling it.

 

Definitely not alone. The first time I ever heard that "Tone" you guys were talking about..it shattered me. It's the most heartbreaking tone we could ever receive from someone we were so close to once upon a time. We wonder..don't they care? Don't they feel anything? It's like they just forgot. But then I started noticing it wasn't just with exes who acted like this after a break up..but people in general who do not want to be reminded of something.

 

They feel things but it's just not what we want it to be. They know how you feel, they know they hurt you. Whatever caused them to end it with us is the ONLY thing they can think about in the moment. They feel smothered, turned off. We are a prison to them and they have broken their shackles and finally escaped. Right now, they are living their life and enjoying it. They're not thinking about anything right now. When we reach out, we remind them of a past they are trying to forget. Sometimes they feel guilty, sometimes it reminds them of the doubts they have of whether they made the right call or not. Sometimes they don't want to lead us on so they overcompensate with short substance-less responses. Maybe it's all of the reasons. But whatever it is, we remind them of all these crappy feelings they don't want to feel and that's why nearly every ex who winds up dumping us treats us this way.

 

That's why I say forget it. Don't bother trying to stay in touch. Don't explain how you feel. Don't beg. The more you push, the more distant they become because the more you remind them of all the things they don't want to remember. You have to remember that, they see us as some kind of pushy salesperson now that arrives uninvited trying to sell something they didn't ask for. In this case, we are trying to sell ourselves. You might wonder..well what about our past? They don't want to remember the past. They only recognize how they feel in the moment and in the moment it's "EW EW EW..get away." There is nothing we can do about it. So, they will not get back together with us and there is no chance for a genuine friendship in the current period of time. If an ex is trying to con you into being friends, they are either selfish, naive or inexperienced. Do not take the bait.

 

Walk away. Let it be and as much as you want to reach out to them..don't. You only look weak in their eyes. Don't give them that power over you. If they want us, they'll find a way back.

Edited February 13, 2018 by Beachead

[DontBreakEven]

You have to remember that, they see us as some kind of pushy salesperson now that arrives uninvited trying to sell something they didn't ask for.

 

Yupppppp. I used the word "emotional nuisance" before, but pushy salesman is about right. Ugh. Awful.

[clist8511]

Yupppppp. I used the word "emotional nuisance" before, but pushy salesman is about right. Ugh. Awful.

 

I think emotional nuisance is a good phrase. I think what Beachead is saying about them feeling all sorts of things whenever we pop up - they just want it gone. Like an annoying mosquito bite. Just gone. They want a pain-free, guilt-free life. We're the mosquitoes.

[clist8511]

That's why I say forget it. Don't bother trying to stay in touch. Don't explain how you feel. Don't beg. The more you push, the more distant they become because the more you remind them of all the things they don't want to remember.

 

You have to remember that, they see us as some kind of pushy salesperson now that arrives uninvited trying to sell something they didn't ask for. In this case, we are trying to sell ourselves. You might wonder..well what about our past?

 

They don't want to remember the past. They only recognize how they feel in the moment and in the moment it's "EW EW EW..get away." There is nothing we can do about it. So, they will not get back together with us and there is no chance for a genuine friendship in the current period of time. If an ex is trying to con you into being friends, they are either selfish, naive or inexperienced. Do not take the bait.

 

Walk away. Let it be and as much as you want to reach out to them..don't. You only look weak in their eyes. Don't give them that power over you. If they want us, they'll find a way back.

 

As time goes on, you are able to (well I've noticed this, anyway) see it from the other side. You're able to visualise how they'll see you - as weak, annoying, not respectful of them trying to move on, etc... and these thoughts stop you from breaking NC.

 

I don't think there's even a point reaching out once you've over them. The chat will still be cordial and stiff. Probably because they'll think you still love them, even though you don't. And because you have no reason to talk. You're not together and haven't been for years.

 

They don't want to remember the past. They say things like "I've moved on" or "you need to move on" or "stop stalking me!" I've never understood break ups. But it makes sense what you're saying B - it's a defence mechanism of sorts, right.

 

I keep trying to stay away from LS as I don't know if talking about it all the time is helpful, but I feel so safe here. Thank you to everyone who helps me. I wish I could offer more advice to everyone but I'm not in a fit state to dish out advice at all

[Beachead]

As time goes on, you are able to (well I've noticed this, anyway) see it from the other side. You're able to visualise how they'll see you - as weak, annoying, not respectful of them trying to move on, etc... and these thoughts stop you from breaking NC.

 

I don't think there's even a point reaching out once you've over them. The chat will still be cordial and stiff. Probably because they'll think you still love them, even though you don't. And because you have no reason to talk. You're not together and haven't been for years.

 

They don't want to remember the past. They say things like "I've moved on" or "you need to move on" or "stop stalking me!" I've never understood break ups. But it makes sense what you're saying B - it's a defence mechanism of sorts, right.

 

I keep trying to stay away from LS as I don't know if talking about it all the time is helpful, but I feel so safe here. Thank you to everyone who helps me. I wish I could offer more advice to everyone but I'm not in a fit state to dish out advice at all

 

Exactly. It's a defense mechanism. You're going to be okay. Your brain is making sense of a lot of things and I can see you've put a lot of work into analyzing what happened and what's going on with yourself and that's a good thing. I know it's difficult to match what our logical brain knows with our hearts though. That's simply something that will come as time goes on and we rebuild our world one piece at a time.

[d0nnivain]

A couple of observations:

 

If you are still in uni I am going to assume you are relatively young. When you are young everything is that much more profound. The rough edges smooth over as life goes on.

 

Your EX left you for an opposite sex person. You were her 1st same sex relationship. Sadly for you, I think you were an experiment, her being "wild" in college & being trendy. She probably prefers men so your break up was inevitable but it had very little to do with anything you had control off. In essence she used you to get it out of her system.

 

I hope that actually makes you angry because it's a more productive emotion then wallowing.

 

From posts on here and just the way people seem to feel it's that whole thing of feeling like you're 'cheating' on your ex or something. It was a terrible idea to sign up for dating.

 

We do have Meetup here - I've joined it a few years back but have felt nervous about going to anything, to be honest. Sounds like you really found it helpful; how often do you play darts? Kayaking sounds amazing too, you must be quite an adrenaline junkie to be doing that

 

I signed up for that 5K run in April and I found the FB group for it; it's very interactive and people talk a lot on there. I'm just working on getting my fitness back up for the run in April but I see that they hold events all the time and people seem to know each other etc. I am looking forward to being fitter so I can engage in the actual social side more.

 

You are no where near ready to date yet so don't even try that. The April 5k is a brilliant idea. You need to be running at least 3x per week. Use that physical exercise to spur you forward. When you are upset, lonely or thinking about calling your EX, run or at least go for a walk.

 

MeetUps are OK but shouldn't be necessary. There should be dozens of groups & activities on campus you can get involved with. Go join something.

 

Consider volunteering somewhere doing something you are passionate about: rescue animals, raise money to fight a disease or fund art; protest in favor or LBGTQ rights. What you do isn't as important as the fact that you are taking action.

 

Also throw yourself into your studies. This may be the semester you get straight As. Set that as a goal. The sense of purpose & accomplishment will spur you forward & past the heartbreak.

 

Finally get a different counselor. The volunteer you are seeing is about surviving abuse. That is a component of what's going on with you but there is also a depression aspect that you need to address. Ask for referrals through your school. There may even be an on campus group or peer to peer support.

 

Most of all keep busy. Stay active. Focus on your studies. Self soothe & be kind to yourself.

 

You will get through this. Have some faith.

[clist8511]

Hi d0nnivain. Thank you for taking the time out to read and reply to my thread.

 

I have read this reply several times, today. And nothing I have read has made everything slot into place like this has. I almost feel as if every question I have had about the break up has been answered.

 

Around a month before we broke up, we’d been spending a LOT of time together. She stayed at my house for about a week, and would have stayed longer but she had this holiday planned. This holiday of hers was something I’d been dreading. It was a girls’ holiday - to a Spanish resort. One that has all day pool parties, raves, foam parties - you know the type. Very heterosexual, young crowd. I had told her that I was worried she’d get male attention and act on it. I bought this up a few times before she went away, but she always told me that, no, nothing to worry about, etc. Still, I knew exactly what kind of place this was.

 

So, she went. She called me all the time, telling me about it all. There wasn’t really a period where we didn’t talk. It was all OK. She mentioned at one point that there were some guys she knew from school there. I didn’t really think anything of it.

 

So, when she came back…perhaps a couple of days after, came the break up. I remember her using the words “I’ve been speaking to a friend, and I’ve realised that this isn’t the kind of relationship I want”.

“This isn’t the kind of relationship I want”

 

I remember being confused at the choice of wording. We hadn’t been arguing, and while the relationship had often been difficult it had been going pretty smoothly for a number of months.

 

Then - she’d been hanging around with this guy. He has a pretty distinctive name, which I’d have remembered had she mentioned him to me before. She said she’d mentioned him loads of times when we were together - I had never heard of him at all. She knew him since she was 8, she said. So, now I see that it is very likely she met him on holiday, and they had some sort of interaction. She never told me how they reconnected, so I assume it’s something like that.

 

I realise now that it was probably the holiday that triggered her desire to return to heterosexuality. I don’t know if it was this guy, or if she got male attention while she was over there, or that she just liked looking at all the guys. But something happened. And it all coincided with her hanging around with this guy all the time. Flirting with him on the phone that time she came over and slept with me. Most times I spoke to her after the break up she was either getting ready to see him or with him.

 

When she was at my house, I remember her saying “…when I went to his house..” And pausing, looking me directly in the eye - dishonesty? Probably. She never did tell me when, why or what they did at his house.

 

I have searched for so long in my mind, on the Internet, repetitive conversations with friends - why did she suddenly leave me like this? Why, when she ad broken up with me before, was this time any different?

 

And now I know. Everything has clicked into place. It’s because she didn’t want to be with a woman anymore. She wanted to go back to men. I can’t believe it even took me so long to understand and realise this.

 

Thank you for all of the helpful advice. I have already started writing down lists of things to achieve and to do in terms of hobbies, volunteering, exercise. I will try harder to have faith that it will not always be like this.

[clist8511]

And you are right, d0nnivain. I do feel anger. I feel used and I feel angry that I was to her an experiment, that everything was fake and to her just something to 'try'.

 

I have no desire to ever speak to her again. I do not want to speak to someone who can hurt another person in such a way.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think it was all fake. You sound like a great person & I'm sure she enjoyed your spirit as a person. But at the end of the day she wanted something that no matter your personality you just couldn't provide. Even if she had not going on that holiday, her switch back was probably inevitable. The trip just accelerated the time table.

 

I'm loathe to say she used you because that indicates that she started out from a mean place. I doubt she was self aware enough to realize that she was experimenting. Heaven knows I didn't have the same levels of self awareness in college that I have now, in middle age.

 

I am glad I was able to offer you some insights & that you have turned a corner toward healing.

 

Have fun pursuing your hobbies. Let us know how you do in the 5k