Boyfriend and I still have strong feelings for each other-can we make it work?

[ninpetrovic]

Hello all!

 

My boyfriend and I are both 21 years old. We go to the same university and have been dating for two years. We even lived together in China for ten months, and produce music and DJ together.

 

A week ago, he said he needs some space, as he is battling depression and was very codependent on me. I was the only thing making him happy. He was very scared to things by himself, and needed me around all the time, as I was able to quiet all the dark thoughts in his head. I also have depression, so I understood what it was like for him.

 

We initially were going to do NC until he comes back down to Denver for New Years. That was broken last Saturday when he called crying saying he misses and loves me, does not want this to be forever, and wants to be a better man for me. He does not want to make my depression worse or have his depression ruin my life. I have told him I want a healthy relationship and he agreed.

 

Two days ago he called again, sounding a bit better. He has been skiing, going on walks, being more open with his friends, and making music. He said he still loves me to death and wants to be a better boyfriend. He said he still feels angry at himself, so I told him to think of positive thoughts when he has a negative one, and I wrote a list of positives about him/relationship, and he said he could do that for me.

 

Yesterday he texted me asking to go to a two day concert for New Years. I said yes. I don't know if this is a date or not, or if his friends will go too. Just seeing how it plays out instead of putting a label.

 

Today he called (NC really did not work!) and showed me a song he made, talked about the concert, and asked on how I was doing. It was a quick phone call this time.

 

He still likes my social media posts, has told my friends he will always love me (Has told me this too). His mom and I are very close and she said he tells her how he loves me and that I'm his best friend, and does not want to ruin my life with his depression. His mom told him what we have is more than even her married friends have, and that I do not have to be completely cut out. He wants a relationship with two strong individuals that build each other up. He said he does not want to put a designated time on the break, as he would not focus on changing and would only wait for the break to be over, and then fall back on codependency.

 

He is going to a therapist now, and I am a bit worried the therapist will say we should end things for good, or that my boyfriend will think we can't work things/might be better off alone. I am also worried about how long this break will be.

 

I have been going to my therapist and getting support from friends. I make music and go to the gym, so I've been trying not to get myself down. This boy is also my best friend, as we have traveled the world together, and experienced a lot of ups and downs. We have a music career together. We had an instant connection from the first day. We have both dated a lot of people in the past/have more maturity than most 21-year-olds our age, as we both hate hookups/are monogamous people. I know we both still love each other a lot, can we make it work?

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't characterize him pulling away as a break up. It's more like a hiccup. He didn't mean it. So just go back to your relationship but keep an eye out. For whatever reason he's destabilizing. He might be nearing the end meaning the relationship served him but he's outgrowing it but can't express that because he loathes hurting your feelings. He could also be scared about the future.

 

Stop with NC BS. You were both misapplying the concept. NC is for much later when you are officially broken up & need to heal. His request for "space" was a fear reaction not a severance of your relationship.

 

Go to NYE. Keep talking. He needs to stay in therapy. See what happens.