Am I partly responsible for her cheating

[twentyeightandhurt]

Ok so I don't know where to begin. I have never posted on a site like this before.

 

I have been dating the most wonderful woman for the last 2 and a half years. We have discussed marriage. I am 28 years old and recently finished Grad School. She is 39 years old and is a successful entrepreneur.

 

I was at her place and she left early and I snooped onto her computer and found emails, many emails between her and another guy. They were explicit and they had been sleeping together. I confronted her and at first she was quiet then it seemed she became angry and asked me to leave. Then after a few days she called me and apologized and said she was shocked and did not know how to respond. She loves me and wants to work things out and she knows the affair was completely her fault...BUT. It's the But that is bugging me.

 

She said she was feeling unloved and neglected and taken for granted by me for the past couple years which may be true and this other guy was attentive and interested.

 

If it was up to her, we would see eachother every day. That is just too much for me. I am cool seeing her one or maybe two times per week. She has complained about this from the beginning and I always tell her I will try harder to see her more but I like to spend time with friends.

 

This summer when her affair began My mother was out visiting me for 8 weeks to see me graduate. Well my mother is a traditional Jewish mother and my GF is not Jewish. My mother forbade me to see my GF and so as not to upset her I told my GF that she would have to deal with 8 weeks of not seeing me. Also, I told my GF that she could not attend my graduation. She was very upset and hurt. She begged me to stand up to my mother but she just did not understand that this is a cultural thing. Her birthday fell on a day during this 8 weeks and She begged me to sneak out and see her which would mean lying to my mother which I will not do. My GF was very upset throughout this entire 8 week period. I told her I was sorry but there was nothing I could do. After the 8 weeks passed my mother went home and we picked up where we left off. My GF did say that she would convert to Judaism to help smooth things with mom.

 

Throughout our relationship my GF also has complained a lot about sex and the lack of it. Her drive is just far greater than mine. She wants to have sex with me all the time. I am satisfied having sex maybe one time per week. Also she is interested in things that I am not interested in. She wants to perform oral on me every time we have sex and I know most guys love it but I just don't. I actually hate it and think its kind of gross. I told her this but still she tries to change me.

 

She has told me for over the last year that she is hurt because I have never allowed her into my apartment. I have a roommate and my apartment is my personal space. It is my Haven. She says that it has made her feel hurt and unloved that I have my own key to her place and she has never been inside my home. I have parties and get togethers with people from school both guys and girls at my place and this bothers her that I have allowed other woman into my home and I am so against her visiting. I don't know why? Its just that my home is my personal space.

 

She began to complain after one year that I have met all of her friends and family and I have never introduced her to any of mine. Finally after a year of nagging I introduced her to some of my friends and they love her. I don't know why it took so long I am just more personal than her.

 

The last thing is that my GF is quite wealthy. She is a self made healthcare business owner. Since I did not work while in school she would give me $3,000 every month so I would have money to spend. She also bought me a nice jeep. Now she has never said that I owe her anything for her generosity. She says she gives this to me because she has it and she loves me and she wants to make me happy. But throughout our relationship she has said stuff like I give you an allowance because I love you and I want to do things for you because I love you. It does not seem that you spend anytime thinking about what would make me happy. You never come over and help me with my chores or cook me breakfast, or give me extra sex because you know I love it and I love you. It feels like you just take from me and don't give me back much and it feels unfair. When I want to see you its often "NO" When you want to see me it is always "YES". Its not like you are busy or at least not busier than me? I am the one that works 70 hours per week and still I have time for you. You take two classes and dont work and still you are too busy for me?

 

OK so I know you guys are all thinking I am a jerk, but I am not. When we are together we have a wonderful relationship. I love this woman very much. I know I have made mistakes and I know I have taken her for granted. I know I need to be more attentive and more fair. I really get all that and I want to change

 

The problem is that now that she has cheated on me it feels wrong for ME to be saying I am sorry because that implies that I am partly to blame for her infidelity and everything I have read says that the person cheated on is the victim not the other way around. I want her to apologize and refrain from bringing up all the things I did to be a bad boyfriend which caused her to cheat because then the cheating has an excuse right?

 

How do I make her understand that what she did was wrong and there is no BUT. I want to forgive her and I want us to fix our problems. I just don't know how without giving in and saying "you are right, maybe I am part to blame"

[Scarlett.O'hara]

There is never a good excuse to cheat.

 

That being said, I think she should have dumped you a long time ago because you have behaved very selfishly and treated her poorly.

 

There is no point in trying to get her back if you are going to continue to block her out of important areas of your life, including your graduation and your house (which is ridiculous!). It just indicates that you don't take her or the relationship very seriously, despite feeling comfortable enough to accept money and a Jeep from her. Are you just using her?

 

After two and a half years it should be a committed relationship, right?

 

Lets be real, if you intend to settle down with a nice Jewish girl that your mother will approve of, then what is the point in dragging this out?

 

This will either have an ending like the movie, Keeping the Faith, or you will just be wasting her time.

 

My advice is consider the future, and think it over carefully.

[Mrin]

There is never a good excuse to cheat.

 

That being said, I think she should have dumped you a long time ago because you have behaved very selfishly and treated her poorly.

 

There is no point in trying to get her back if you are going to continue to block her out of important areas of your life, including your graduation and your house (which is ridiculous!). It just indicates that you don't take her or the relationship very seriously, despite feeling comfortable enough to accept money and a Jeep from her. Are you just using her?

 

After two and a half years it should be a committed relationship, right?

 

Lets be real, if you intend to settle down with a nice Jewish girl that your mother will approve of, then what is the point in dragging this out?

 

This will either have an ending like the movie, Keeping the Faith, or you will just be wasting her time.

 

My advice is consider the future, and think it over carefully.

 

This. Times 1000.

 

Shouldn't have cheated but I have no clue in the world why she keeps you around

[usa1ah]

Just um, really don’t know what to think.

 

You honestly let this woman buy you like this. First time I have ever heard of a sugar mama. Where in the world is your pride your manhood. I have no doubt she cheated on you and yes it’s partly your fault. How do you expect her to have any respect for you when you have none for yourself.

 

Cut off the relationship and be a man that can stand on his own two feet. Respect yourself and the woman you finally find will respect you as well.

 

The cheating is on her for doing it. But if she respected you she might not have done it. So with no respect for you it was easy for her to do.

Edited December 23, 2017 by usa1ah

[sdraw108]

1. Cheating is never justified.

 

2. You have been a jerk. This is unrelated to point number 1 however.

 

I can completely empathize with her being hurt by your actions. I cannot fathom why you wouldn't allow her into your apartment, but you will allow people you care about less into it. Sure, it's your personal space, but your girlfriend is part of your personal life.

 

Avoiding her for 8 weeks was also a very hurtful thing to do. If your culture is so severely imposing that your mother's dislike of your non-Jewish girlfriend overrides her feelings, then you shouldn't have been dating her in the first place.

 

The rest of your behavior is also what I would consider to be problematic for a relationship, albeit more common in relationships generally.

 

In summary: no, you shouldn't feel responsible for her cheating. But you should feel responsible for the fact that your relationship has problems. I understand that you have your own reasons for doing these things, but relationships always need a degree of compromise. Sometimes you have to override your preferences in favour of the other person. That's particularly true when the thing you're compromising on is a small thing to you, but a big deal to her. The apartment thing falls into this category.

 

These are lessons you should learn whether it's to fix this relationship, or for the next one.

[Simple Logic]

Drive on and don’t look back.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She should have broken up with you soon after you started dating. You don't really sound like a great partner, to be honest. No excuse for cheating, but you two are absolutely not compatible. You should personally evaluate quite a lot about yourself before you get into another relationship.

[Steve51]

Cheating is never the answer to a problem. It only makes things worse. If someone is unhappy and wants to have sex with someone else, they should break up or clarify if they are going to have an open relationship.

[healing light]

I actually laughed when I read this line at the end:

 

I want her to apologize and refrain from bringing up all the things I did to be a bad boyfriend which caused her to cheat

 

You are a HORRIBLE boyfriend. If this relationship has a prayer of working out, you need to man up and take responsibility for giving this woman NO reason to stay with you. You can't sweep this under the rug and just pretend your crap doesn't stink.

 

Her feelings meant jack **** to you in regards to your mother. 2 months of not seeing her, excluding her from a major life event, even ignoring her during her birthday?!?!?!? How on earth could you ever justify doing that to someone that you supposedly love?! That is beyond abusive. Honestly, I don't know how you lacked so much empathy for your woman. "Nothing I could do." Ridiculous.

 

You can let other people in your house for parties but won't let her in? You can't even compromise with the frequency of sex? You don't work and take two classes but have no issues taking $3,000 from her monthly?

 

Let's face it, you treated her like dirt over an extended period of time.

 

That said, I think she should have had the dignity to leave you before she cheated. If she had any self-respect she would have, but it doesn't sound like she does...especially since she's been putting up with what you've been doling out for 2.5 years.

[Space Ritual]

Ok so I don't know where to begin. I have never posted on a site like this before.

 

I have been dating the most wonderful woman for the last 2 and a half years. We have discussed marriage. I am 28 years old and recently finished Grad School. She is 39 years old and is a successful entrepreneur.

 

I was at her place and she left early and I snooped onto her computer and found emails, many emails between her and another guy. They were explicit and they had been sleeping together. I confronted her and at first she was quiet then it seemed she became angry and asked me to leave. Then after a few days she called me and apologized and said she was shocked and did not know how to respond. She loves me and wants to work things out and she knows the affair was completely her fault...BUT. It's the But that is bugging me.

 

She said she was feeling unloved and neglected and taken for granted by me for the past couple years which may be true and this other guy was attentive and interested.

 

If it was up to her, we would see eachother every day. That is just too much for me. I am cool seeing her one or maybe two times per week. She has complained about this from the beginning and I always tell her I will try harder to see her more but I like to spend time with friends.

 

This summer when her affair began My mother was out visiting me for 8 weeks to see me graduate. Well my mother is a traditional Jewish mother and my GF is not Jewish. My mother forbade me to see my GF and so as not to upset her I told my GF that she would have to deal with 8 weeks of not seeing me. Also, I told my GF that she could not attend my graduation. She was very upset and hurt. She begged me to stand up to my mother but she just did not understand that this is a cultural thing. Her birthday fell on a day during this 8 weeks and She begged me to sneak out and see her which would mean lying to my mother which I will not do. My GF was very upset throughout this entire 8 week period. I told her I was sorry but there was nothing I could do. After the 8 weeks passed my mother went home and we picked up where we left off. My GF did say that she would convert to Judaism to help smooth things with mom.

 

Throughout our relationship my GF also has complained a lot about sex and the lack of it. Her drive is just far greater than mine. She wants to have sex with me all the time. I am satisfied having sex maybe one time per week. Also she is interested in things that I am not interested in. She wants to perform oral on me every time we have sex and I know most guys love it but I just don't. I actually hate it and think its kind of gross. I told her this but still she tries to change me.

 

She has told me for over the last year that she is hurt because I have never allowed her into my apartment. I have a roommate and my apartment is my personal space. It is my Haven. She says that it has made her feel hurt and unloved that I have my own key to her place and she has never been inside my home. I have parties and get togethers with people from school both guys and girls at my place and this bothers her that I have allowed other woman into my home and I am so against her visiting. I don't know why? Its just that my home is my personal space.

 

She began to complain after one year that I have met all of her friends and family and I have never introduced her to any of mine. Finally after a year of nagging I introduced her to some of my friends and they love her. I don't know why it took so long I am just more personal than her.

 

The last thing is that my GF is quite wealthy. She is a self made healthcare business owner. Since I did not work while in school she would give me $3,000 every month so I would have money to spend. She also bought me a nice jeep. Now she has never said that I owe her anything for her generosity. She says she gives this to me because she has it and she loves me and she wants to make me happy. But throughout our relationship she has said stuff like I give you an allowance because I love you and I want to do things for you because I love you. It does not seem that you spend anytime thinking about what would make me happy. You never come over and help me with my chores or cook me breakfast, or give me extra sex because you know I love it and I love you. It feels like you just take from me and don't give me back much and it feels unfair. When I want to see you its often "NO" When you want to see me it is always "YES". Its not like you are busy or at least not busier than me? I am the one that works 70 hours per week and still I have time for you. You take two classes and dont work and still you are too busy for me?

 

OK so I know you guys are all thinking I am a jerk, but I am not. When we are together we have a wonderful relationship. I love this woman very much. I know I have made mistakes and I know I have taken her for granted. I know I need to be more attentive and more fair. I really get all that and I want to change

 

The problem is that now that she has cheated on me it feels wrong for ME to be saying I am sorry because that implies that I am partly to blame for her infidelity and everything I have read says that the person cheated on is the victim not the other way around. I want her to apologize and refrain from bringing up all the things I did to be a bad boyfriend which caused her to cheat because then the cheating has an excuse right?

 

How do I make her understand that what she did was wrong and there is no BUT. I want to forgive her and I want us to fix our problems. I just don't know how without giving in and saying "you are right, maybe I am part to blame"

 

Dude,

 

I only had to read your title to answer...

 

No.

 

It does not matter if she is Goy or down with the Cause. She made the decision and made it of a free will.

 

You have nothing to feel bad about. Many Gentiles say they have no issue with the cultural differences it until they are subjected to it. It's not your fault. She knew who she was dating and all that came with it. If she wasn't into it she could have just been honest and saved you the trouble.

 

You don't make her understand anything but hit the road, Toots. And don't let the door hit her on the ass on the way out.

[BluesPower]

I never thought that I would say this...

 

Yes it is all your fault. You need to let her go and just be with your mother.

 

Or let her go and work on becoming an actual man and not a wussy man child.

 

Either way, let this woman go so she can actually find a grown man to be with.

 

Good grief... you should really be ashamed of yourself....