I am so sick of my H's friends

[Teag]

Now don't get me wrong I love my husband but I am so sick of him putting his friends before me. His best friend I'll call him "Tom" is nothing but a user. Now he has a great personality & he's nice & other than the fact that he can seem to get his life straight & grow up he's a good guy. well...mostly, Let me give you alittle back ground, My H & I have been together for 5 years & we will be celebrating our 3 year wedding anniversary in a few days. "Tom" & my H have known each other for about 2 years longer than than I've known my H & they've been best friends since. During the first 2 years of the time we got our first place he was over EVERY day & would either stay the night & just stay until 10-11 at night. Me & my H use to fight over this ALL the time but he didn't seemed to care. It finally stopped, not b/c my H told him he needed to stop coming by but b/c he would find other things to do & luckily his GF at the time would keep him away.

 

"Tom" has always been into drugs, mainly smoking pot but using cocaine also, and a few months ago his ex gf (& babys mom) introduced him to crack. Well he's been on crack heavy for about 3-4 months now. (I just recently found this out) He started not showing up for work ect...(he works w/ my H & he would leave my H stranded either working by himself or stranded where my H had to work a double to cover his shift) Last weekend "Tom" stayed at our house b/c my H didn't trust him to come to work, Friday night, Saturday night fine. Well Sunday comes around & he stays he night, he asked my H if he could borrow the car to go about 15 miles down the road & he would be back. My H let him.....well he didn't come back until about 3pm Monday Afternoon. He had been gone since about 9pm Sunday night. My H was pissed, called the cops everything. Well "Toms" mom called & said "Tom" had broke into her house at some point that night & stole her debit card & took $300 out of her bank account.

 

"Tom" Swore it wasn't him & told my H that he had went to one of their old friends & started drinking & passed out. My H believed him, (like a dumba**) Well "Tom" finally fessed up & told my H that he was out ALL night smoking crack & he DID take the money from his mom. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. He is 22 years old w/ a 2 year old son. His son's mom is a crack whore that hasn't seen her son in 4 months & "tom" use to be a good father but is now turning into his babys mom.

 

Well I just got off the phone w/ my H & he just told me he had to go pick up "Tom" & take him to work. I asked him if he had to pick him up & did he give him any has money since right now he stays at some girls(I'll call her "Lisa") house about 30 miles away. He said yeah, I said good. He said well "Tom" is going to have to stay the night so I can take him to work tomorrow. I asked him why "Lisa" couldn't pick him up he said well she has to work & its just more convienant for me if he stays here. My blood is starting to boil b/c I don't want him there. I don't want this crap to start again. I am so sick of this. I dont know what to do, he has no regard for my feelings & I know when I get home tonight it's going to turn into a big argument. "Tom" stole my H car, stole $300 from his mom but yet my H still wants to be buddy buddy with him.

 

IS this a man thing. Almost all my female friends husbands are the same way. Why do they choose their friends over their wives & family. My H has to be gone or w/ his friends all the time.This is my H schedule this month.

 

Aug 10th- H stayed at "Toms" house til 1am, he left at 7pm, said he would be home

at 10pm, I only "let" him go after he BEGGED me

 

Aug 12, 13, 14 & 15th "Tom stayed at our house.

 

Aug 14th- "Tom" stole H's car

 

Aug 20th- H played gold w/ "tom" didn't come home til 8pm then had to turn around

& go to work to do drawer change & didn't come home til10pm

 

 

Aug 21st- H went to his boss's house til 110:30 pm (him & his boss are good friends)

 

Aug 22nd.- "Tom" stayed the night

 

 

But my H doesn't see ANYTHING wrong with this. He thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants to do b/c he wouldn't say anything if I did what I wanted. He says well when you go to your moms your gone 6-8 hours that day. HELLO she's my mom & I ONLY go over there on Sundays when they have dinner & he's ALWAYS invited but normally he doesn't want to go he would rather STAY HOME or go do something w/ "Tom".

 

I am SO frustrated I don't know what to do. I am almost to the point of telling him to choose us or his friends but I just can't bring myself to do it. If you've read this far thanks & thanks in advance for any advice.

[New_Wife]

Holy Crap.

 

When I first read the title, I thought this would be your run of the mill "don't like his friends" post.

 

You've got a horse of an entirely different color here.

 

Well, first off, I'd suggest you take all of your valuables, jewelry, cash, etc, and hide them in a safe deposit box. Crackheads will steal your stuff then help you look for it, as sure as night follows day. If you really want to speed up a decision on your H's part, leave his watches, trinkets, valuables, in plain sight where "Tom" can boost and pawn them. CD's, whatever.

 

If you do not feel safe (which isn't unlikely) with this person in your home, leave when he is there and go stay with a friend or family member. I would also insist that your husband started a "replacement fund" for when things go missing like TV's, DVD players, cars, etc - because they will.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Protect yourself.

[Teag]

Thanks for taking time to read my post.....

 

Well, first off, I'd suggest you take all of your valuables, jewelry, cash, etc, and hide them in a safe deposit box. Crackheads will steal your stuff then help you look for it, as sure as night follows day.

 

I have told my H that if he can steal from his own mom he won't think twice from stealing from us. My H response is I've told him I will seriously hurt him if he does & he won't do it while we are home. (He's not allowed to be at the house by himself anymore) Now before he got into crack I would have trusted "Tom" with my life, he really truely is a good guy other than he doesn't want to grow up.

 

I don't really feel unsafe as in I know he won't try to hurt us or anything but i don't trust him & I'm so tired of all th crap. Not only is it "Tom" but when "Tom" isn't alround my H has to be w/ other firends. On July 4th I went to my moms & my H went to "Lisa's" w/ "Tom" & didn't some home til 6am and the whole night he told me he was on his way home, now if I would have known where "Lisa" lived at the time I would have went over there & dragged him home. I left him (well not really) but left & stayed the next night w/ his mom & he of course apologized & said it would never happen again blah blah blah. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[New_Wife]

Is you H doing it too? Has he recently lost a lot of weight or given you any other reason to worry that he might have joined "Tom" in his nocturnal pursuits?

 

Sounds to me like you are perfectly reasonable in your fears and disgust. Have you considered MC? I know, that's the catchall on here - but not without reason. Sounds like boundaries are being broken left and right, and the H is just not hearing you (or just not listening).

 

Otherwise, my suggestion to get your irreplaceables out and fast. I lost a great many family heirlooms to a crackhead exH. You will never get over the loss of a deceased relatives silver necklace - left just to you - that was likely pawned for two hits of crack.

 

If you even suspect your H is using as well - well shoot - that's a whole nother ball of wax and I'd consider a separation in your shoes until his sphichter releases his head.

[Teag]

Thanks New_wife, my H isn't using but he does have a drinking problem & he does smoke pot. He's actually trying to help "Tom" get off the stuff (or so he's trying w/out much luck) lol, my H actually gained about 15lbs w/in the past year or so I figure b/c of all the beer he drinks. This also isn't a new problem, he always wants his friends around or to be w/ them. I'm just getting to a point where it's REALLY starting to piss me off. He'll do this for a few months then we'll have a huge fight & he'll stop for about a month or 2 then it'll start again.

 

For example, "Tom" needed a ride from work last night which orginally "Tom" was suppose to stay the night, well H called me right before I get off work & ask if he can ride w/ his other friend "Larry" to get a tattoo instead of picking "Tom" up. Now that wouldn't be a problem IF tattoos were legal in my state. They aren't so they would have to drive an hour &1/2 our of state to get one. I said NO, it's already 5:30, you should have thought about the earlier. He said well then I have to go pick up "Tom". I asked him why did it have to be one or the other, he said b/c "Tom" needs a ride & I won't have an excuse not to pick him up blah blah blah.

 

Thankfully "Tom" didn't stay the night b/c H has alot of stuff to do today & "Tom" isn't trusted in my ouse alone. But thankfully I don't really have anything valuable in my home other than big stuff, things he couldn't easily take out the house. All my jewelery & stuff I keep at my grandmothers house.

 

I have thought about MC but its really expensive & thats just something we can't afford right now. I'm just hoping things will change by themselve I guess. "Tom" hasn't done that in over a week, the girl he's living with won't allow it in her house thankfully & she's his only way anywhere other than my H. I could just pull out my hair sometimes b/c your right my H doesn't listen to me. He doesn't think its a big deal, he doesn't see ANYTHING wrong w/ having his friends over all the time or him going out all the time. I'm almost to the point of giving up.

[lilmoma1973]

hey dylluisonal angel,

i have to share my time with my h 's band.. he always put them before me and my daughter always has.. he spends all his time on the computer promoting the band and getting hoochies to join his page on myspace.. i don't see where that is helping you get your band out all i see it is promoting girls showing all their stuff to everyone to be liked.. anyways i wish he would put as much effort into this relationship as he does with the band then are marriage wouldn't be on the verge .. i feel that is time to move on to bigger and better things .. it is obvious who is more important to him and it isn't me and our daughter!! Good luck i hope it all works out ..you can pm me anytime you need a friend

[Woggle]

Soo I guess married men are not allowed to have friends and a life outside their marriage. How would you feel if he tried to cut you off from your friends? I bet you wouldn't like it but you feel it is okay for you to try to cut him off from his. If women would just let us have our own lives and quit trying to nag us maybe we would actually want to be around them more often. Any woman in my life has to realiz ethat my friends are like my family and if they can't handle it they can leave. My friends are always a great judge of women as well. They love my new girlfriend and that reassures me. She accepts them as a part of my life because she has her own friends.

[Teag]

Soo I guess married men are not allowed to have friends and a life outside their marriage. QUOTE]

 

 

I never said that, the problem I have is its almost EVERYDAY. And I bet you've never had your so called best friend STEAL your car to go smoke crack or have your best friend USE you for a ride for anywhere they want to go WITHOUT giving you gas money. I'm sure you would be willing to ride 30 mile to go pick up your friend to take him to work for FREE when gas is $2.50 a gallon.

 

I don't have a problem with him having a guys night out once or twice a week BUT when I'm stuck home ALL the time to take care of OUR child while your out playing single man almost EVERY night THEN I have a problem. When you helping your friends out starts affecting OUR finances THEN I have a problem.

 

So before you say "oh well if ya'll would stop nagging us blah blah blah" read the complete post. When you spend more time w/ your friends than you do with your family then you have a problem.

[Teag]

hey dylluisonal angel,

i have to share my time with my h 's band.. he always put them before me and my daughter always has.. he spends all his time on the computer promoting the band and getting hoochies to join his page on myspace.. i don't see where that is helping you get your band out all i see it is promoting girls showing all their stuff to everyone to be liked.. anyways i wish he would put as much effort into this relationship as he does with the band then are marriage wouldn't be on the verge .. i feel that is time to move on to bigger and better things .. it is obvious who is more important to him and it isn't me and our daughter!! Good luck i hope it all works out ..you can pm me anytime you need a friend

 

 

Thank you and you can also pm if you need to talk.

[Woggle]

 

 

I never said that, the problem I have is its almost EVERYDAY. And I bet you've never had your so called best friend STEAL your car to go smoke crack or have your best friend USE you for a ride for anywhere they want to go WITHOUT giving you gas money. I'm sure you would be willing to ride 30 mile to go pick up your friend to take him to work for FREE when gas is $2.50 a gallon.

 

I don't have a problem with him having a guys night out once or twice a week BUT when I'm stuck home ALL the time to take care of OUR child while your out playing single man almost EVERY night THEN I have a problem. When you helping your friends out starts affecting OUR finances THEN I have a problem.

 

So before you say "oh well if ya'll would stop nagging us blah blah blah" read the complete post. When you spend more time w/ your friends than you do with your family then you have a problem.

 

Start being the type of woman he would want to spend time with. I do admit that this one friend he has is a problem but I know many women who want their husband to drop all his friends. I;m sorry but a man's friends were there before he met his wife and when she most likely divorces him they will still be there. Women for the most part are not loyal to their men while most of my friends would take a bullet for me and vice versa.

[Teag]

His "best friend" doesn't do anything but use him. I AM the SAME person he married other than the fact I get sick of him being with his friends ALL the time when he should be home spending time w/ his daughter. Don't get me wrong he's a good father other than the fact that he only sees heran hour or so a day, sometimes he only sees her for about 15 minutes before I take her to daycare. He needs to grow up but yet when I try to give him his freedom he takes advantage. I've tried to leave he begs me not to, oh I know I need to get my priorities straight & I will then a month later it starts all over again. I have friends & I don't want to spend every waking hour w/ them. And if I did I would still take my daughter. I take my daughter EVERWHERE with me. If I ask him to wastch her while I go to the grocery sore for an hour most of the time (not all) he says I just got off work & I'm tired can't you take her. or well I was hoping I can go play golf for a while. Which again I wouldn't mind if he limited it to once or twice a week. And Also he is home 3 hours before I get home from work he can do whateer he wants to do & he has 2 days off during the week w/out me he doesn whatever he wants. I'm sorry but having my husband for only 8 days out of the month to myself (and daughters) is NOT enough. If he didn't want a family & want to be with me he shouldn't have asked me to marry him. or he should at least make it easier for me to leave.

[Woggle]

This is why I don't want to get married again. No nagging wife. It is so great.

[Teag]

This is why I don't want to get married again. No nagging wife. It is so great.

 

Whatever and thats why some men don't need to be married, oh if I would go back in time I certainly WOULDN'T have gotten married. I thought marriage was 2 people loving and caring for each other & putting at least 50/50 to the relationship NOT the wife working, cleaning, cooking & taking care of the child you help make while you go play. Oh and before you say well he's the main bread winner blah blah blah think again, I make twice as much as he does and he still gets everything he needs AND wants while I don't do anything but pay for our bills while his best frined mooches off us. His paycheck normally only pays for daycare, and groceries, I pay for everything else.

 

Thank You and if I could be single again w/out going through all the BS I would in a heartbeat. But its not that easy when you have a child.

[Woggle]

Whatever and thats why some men don't need to be married, oh if I would go back in time I certainly WOULDN'T have gotten married. I thought marriage was 2 people loving and caring for each other & putting at least 50/50 to the relationship NOT the wife working, cleaning, cooking & taking care of the child you help make while you go play. Oh and before you say well he's the main bread winner blah blah blah think again, I make twice as much as he does and he still gets everything he needs AND wants while I don't do anything but pay for our bills while his best frined mooches off us. His paycheck normally only pays for daycare, and groceries, I pay for everything else.

 

Thank You and if I could be single again w/out going through all the BS I would in a heartbeat. But its not that easy when you have a child.

 

Why don't you sit down with him and talk about it instead of nagging? Talk to him like a human being and maybe he will see your way.

[Teag]

Honey I have talked to him and talked to him and talked to him. W/out nagging and he always says the same thing, I know, I need to get my priorities straight blah blah blah and it'll be good for a month then he'll go back to the same crap. He still wants us to be able to do whatever we want like we did before we had our daughter, but we can't. He still wants to go out a party, on the 4th of July he stayed out w/ his best friend until 6am & lied to me the whole time he was gone saying I'm leaving in 10 minutes I have to take "Tom" home then I'll be home. We are pulling into "Tom" driveway I'll be home in 15 minutes. This went on all night.

Believe it or not I'm a very good wife. There is so much things I could say to him but I don't. The only thing I ever bitch about is him always wanting to be w/ his friends & about his friend not paying him gas money b/c it take away from us. When you spend at least $100 a week in gas b/c gas prices are so high then we don't have any extra money. And he drives a gas hog, he can fill his tank up & 2 days later its below empty.

I do anything and everything for my husband & thats the ONLY thing we fight about. But thanks for taking the time to actually read my post and believe it or not I'm not the one in the wrong here.

[PatientOne]

No, you aren't in the wrong, Dyllusional Angel. In fact, you sound like one of the most patient ladies I've heard of.

 

However, the bottom line is that you have a crackhead around your house. Bad, bad, bad. Your husband needs to decide between you and him- no other way. This "friend" of his is a threat to your safety, no two ways about it. It's up to you to decide when enough is enough. Nevermind what Woggle says, you aren't nagging.

 

New Wife is absolutely right- hide your valuables. Sooner or later, something bad will happen if this loser is allowed near your family.

[RecordProducer]

Angel, tell your husband that his friend was hitting on you hard and you had wet, sexy dreams about him after he touched your boob "by accident"!

Your husband will cut him off once forever!

Why talking, nagging, suffering, arguing..?

[PatientOne]

Angel, tell your husband that his friend was hitting on you hard and you had wet, sexy dreams about him after he touched your boob "by accident"!

Your husband will cut him off once forever!

Why talking, nagging, suffering, arguing..?

 

 

Actually, that's not a bad idea. Sneaky, yes- but it might do the trick.

[Teag]

Angel, tell your husband that his friend was hitting on you hard and you had wet, sexy dreams about him after he touched your boob "by accident"!

Your husband will cut him off once forever!

Why talking, nagging, suffering, arguing..?

 

:lmao: Thats too funny but I don't even think that will work. He'll get pissed for a while but then he's take him back like always.

[Tiggerlove]

It seems like you've tried to respect his friendships and I'm sure not all of his friends are as crazy as "Tom". That should mean a lot to him that you respect them. But when a so-called-bestfriend takes my husbands car, thats when I'd put my foot down. If I were you, I'd just tell my husband that I don't mind him going out occasionally...(and that I'm invited) as long as he calls to tell me he might be staying the night at so-and-so's house. But if he's doing it more than two or three times a month, and leaving you at home alone, then he's not respecting his MARRIAGE! He's still trying to live the single life, and he needs to realize he's not single any more, and needs to remember he has a wife at home. He needs to spend MORE time with you than with his friends. About "Tom", I think you need to tell your husband he can no longer bring "Tom" to the house..its your house too, and you don't trust him in the house, and to just let him get fired, and find someone else to work with your husband. "Tom" is an unreliable employee, friend, and a worthless person all around. Tell your husband that. If he gets upset at you, let him be...you should mean more to your husband than his worthless "Friend".