Second chance after miscommunication?

[noranora]

Hello.

 

I am having a dilemma because a guy (30) who I (31) dated isn't leaving my mind after almost 2 years. We dated when neither one of us felt ready for a whole new relationship, after breakups we've both just had. Things went well for a few weeks but then he withdrew, ultimately ending it without giving an explanation. Meanwhile, I had actually fallen for him and noticed that I felt more needy, trying to cover it up with talks about literally anything else.

 

Fast forward to today and I never really got over this. Even though I was in other relationships and tried hard to move one, it didn't work. From what I gather, he's also dated again. Then this: I just became friends with a person who knows him very well. This trusted source told me that my ex lost attraction when he felt that I was too much into my career (we're working in a similar field so I did talk about it quite a bit, instead of feelings). He felt that was pretentious and left little space for anything else. I had absolutely no idea and I feel so misunderstood now! The source also said that my ex sometimes wonders what would have happened if he could have overlooked that and that he felt more interested in me when we ran into each other doing fun things last year. I didn't tell my side of the story, pretending to be over this.

 

Now I don't know what to do. This much insight into my ex's side of the story, why he broke it off before it could really get started, reconfigured my whole thought process! I thought he was just not ready. I feel so insecure and shy about reaching out again. I'm probably not privy to it. But I also have this urge to tell him why I behaved that way. I still think that he's an amazing person and we could be a great match if we actually got to know each other better, not just in ill-timed dating. Right now it's killing me to know that so much was based on stupid miscommunication and wrong self-representation on my part, at a time when we had such different needs. However, we have been friends on instagram since the breakup so my ex has seen (and "liked") that fun, other side of me too. We live in the same city but don't normally just see each other, so should I get in touch with him? Especially now that I don't exactly know if he's dating somebody else (the thought of which now hurts all the more)? Help!

[SpecialJ]

Why don't you ask your friend if he's currently single. If so, reach out and say you've been thinking about him and ask if he's interested in reconnecting for coffee (or whatever) in the new year. If he says yes, great! Then show up and just be yourself, without explaining or apologizing for who you were two years ago. Just start fresh, show him who you really are now, and see if there's a connection.

 

If you only dated for a few weeks, you really have no idea who he is or if you two are compatible, that's why I don't think it's worth it to trudge up the past. He's mostly been a fantasy for you up until now, because you two were hurt and still in the honeymoon phase, before things got real. You might find now that, he's no longer on a pedestal, you ARE more career-oriented, and you're looking for different things. Or, you might find you were hiding behind your career before to cope with hurting from the breakup before him, and now you two are yourselves and it works. Either way, as long as you realize he's a person you'd have to get to know all over again, it may help you move forward to see him if he's single and open to it.

[grays]

I think you should pull up your big girl panties and send him a text, something along the lines of "I've been thinking about you lately. How've you been?" I have done that sort of thing a few times and it's always been positive. There was a time that it didn't work out as I'd hoped, ie he wasnt dying to get back together, but he did tell me something that explained a lot and made it way easier to let go.

[fiskadoro]

If you only dated for a few weeks, you might be able to salvage this. Make sure you have better communication this time. It should worry you a bit that he feels comfortable telling others why he broke up with you but didn't try telling you before he broke up with you. I mean, telling someone that you want to talk less about work and more about each other shouldn't be all that difficult.

 

 

It also sounds like there was a little gamesmanship - pretending to feel one way, showing signals that weren't true...

 

 

I agree with the other poster who said that you guys were still in the honeymoon phase, so don't over idealize him. However, I don't think that all relationships just start out great and naturally and steadily go downhill from there. Be open minded, take it slow, and get to know him. Make sure you guys have open lines of comfort and discomfort. Best of luck to you, what a merry thing to have around the holidays!

[noranora]

Thank you all for your helpful comments and suggestions. They gave me a boost! Now what should I do though if he happens to be seeing somebody? I still have the urge to clarify things, but this would complicate it...

[d0nnivain]

I agree that reaching out is fine.

 

I would say something along the lines of

 

I was talking to [mutual friend's name] & it made me think of you. Hope all is well. Would you like to grab a drink some time?

 

If he says he can't be cause he has a GF, do not attempt clarification. That ship sailed.

 

If he's single, ask him what he thinks went wrong. Respond to what he says. Without telling him that somebody else told you that it was your focus on career, you volunteer that you think you may have come across as too work focused at the time. Assess his reaction to that revelation.

 

When I was single, a friend fixed me up with a guy from her office. The most obvious thing we had in common was our profession. I talked A LOT about it. I tend to babble when I'm nervous. I don't like silence. The date didn't go well. Later when we were thrown together at a party he kind of berated me for being self absorbed. I had told a lot of "war stories." I'm not really that stuck up but I could see how he perceived it that way. I told him as much & then ended with clearly we're not compatible, then walked away. I took the criticism to heart & made a point to ask more Qs on my next dates.

[noranora]

I agree that reaching out is fine.

 

I would say something along the lines of

 

I was talking to [mutual friend's name] & it made me think of you. Hope all is well. Would you like to grab a drink some time?

 

If he says he can't be cause he has a GF, do not attempt clarification. That ship sailed.

 

If he's single, ask him what he thinks went wrong. Respond to what he says. Without telling him that somebody else told you that it was your focus on career, you volunteer that you think you may have come across as too work focused at the time. Assess his reaction to that revelation.

 

When I was single, a friend fixed me up with a guy from her office. The most obvious thing we had in common was our profession. I talked A LOT about it. I tend to babble when I'm nervous. I don't like silence. The date didn't go well. Later when we were thrown together at a party he kind of berated me for being self absorbed. I had told a lot of "war stories." I'm not really that stuck up but I could see how he perceived it that way. I told him as much & then ended with clearly we're not compatible, then walked away. I took the criticism to heart & made a point to ask more Qs on my next dates.

 

This is most helpful. Thank you for sharing!

[maxi105]

hi noranora, just a quickish one from me here, but its an honest reply, so I hope you see the fairness in what I am saying.

 

and of course I don't know you, him or the situation, but I'm offering the best I can on what you've said in this small exchange. but If it helps any then that's a good thing, so keep with it....and hopefully you might also get another insight into where its at.

 

the first thing I thought when I read the post is that there is good advice for you on the site, but id just like to add to it if I may, and my main thought is this: why keep going through what other people (ie your friend) are telling you or what they've seen, say or think????!

 

I think if you can get your courage to talk to him and meet up and gradually talk to him as a friend and meet up as friends causally - but let things get more focused for him - if he's single you might have a chance if he likes you back.

 

I don't really know why the nerves, you've been out with this guy already.

 

but look, you know how to talk to guys as you've dated several others and you are 31!!!!, so my advice is stop all the shyness and guessing games, it isn't getting you anywhere and besides, even when you dated other people you still wanted this guy!!!; so its important you find out if he's free (not speculation) or via someone who's seen someone or someone who knows them but not really etc...find out for "yourself" and that way you will know; and you will get answers directly and see how he is talks to you privately or alone. no observer, friend or speculator will be able to tell you exactly that side of things as they are not experiencing the situation the way you will and they wont have been there in the different private times you've had with him already...however much they think it or whatever you told them in the past. (things can change between 2 people in the moment) even a day later.

 

its true what they say, you don't know what someone else's relationship is really unless you are part of it.

 

if there is anything there, (i.e. you and him) you can deal with the situation, if not, then maybe give yourself a bit of space from him (a week or 2) then if you think you can be around him as a friend then be just that, a friend.

 

good luck with your dilemma if you haven't already sorted things with this guy.

 

whatever happens, my advice is NOT to involve others in this situation!!!! the message can go pear shaped (as has already happened with you and him - miscommunication!!!) and you wont get to know really what his true thoughts are, (and plus, you run the risk of your message getting mixed up again partially or being tainted (or worse sabotaged) if other peoples agendas/negative opinions cloud your heart

 

.but...im sure this wouldn't happen with your friend.

 

but you should be conducting your own love life surely; especially as you've already lost this guy once!!!! and besides; he may not want you discussing him even as a potential partner - with other people (your best friend or not). you need to take this in a more adult way not as a shy or tongue tied teenager, ....just ask him to something not too heavy and see what he says, you'll know sooner or later what the situation is.

 

you know the sorts of things he likes in his spare time so that's a head start. (for conversation as a mate or potential partner)

 

good luck, the bottom line is you need to try to get this communication thing a bit more polished otherwise in this part of your life otherwise I feel sure you are going to be in danger of re-living similar dilemmas in your love life!!

 

but however this reads for you; I'm rootin for ya but just be realistic whatever the outcome and I'm sure you'll be fine. best wishes and fingers crossed for you. maxi. pps, I'm not sure id ask what went wrong if he is single (its not a bad thing in itself to ask, but just not at this stage, it may come across against you in what you are wanting/hoping for). ok I'm done. cya.

Edited January 2, 2018 by maxi105