Regrets about screwing up a relationship...

[howdidwegethere]

Basically I bumped into her 3 and ½ years ago...and it was horrible. It was going through my mind now and again over the years but I'd justify it to myself... but now I realise what a horrible, stupid, immature moment it was. I didn't need to go on an ego trip then and there.

 

The random encounter was at some choir practice session I was filming for a friend - She was right there, pregnant, married to some guy and clearly happy to see me (I guess she wanted to talk to someone she knew). Anyway I pretty much shut it down then and there, keeping it as short as possible and virtually ignoring her after not having seen her for years. She looked totally horrified and grief-stricken when I caught a glance at her during my filming - she pretty much left straight away after that.

 

I have limited relationship experience for my age (33) so most people are way ahead of me - that's why insecure things like the above happen. I was also pretty down at the time so typically tried to avoid catching up with her. However the way I acted aloof and dead-inside, obviously made it so much worse than it needed to be...

 

The problem is I recently had a dream about this high school crush of mine and it made me want to see her again. I started thinking about reaching out to her on facebook to say hi but I'm pretty sure she'll not want to bother... that moment was so negative and felt so bad - I can't see how I could send out some friend request on facebook even if it is years later. It's gone past the point of no return... You don't see someone in years, someone who you liked but the relationship never materialised, someone you lost contact with and then when bumping into the last interaction is punishing. That's it, right? It was an opportunity to foster another friendship then and there but instead I totally killed it...

 

that's what I'm coming to terms with years later.

 

So now I have this horrible sense of loneliness and pining for the people I used to know mainly because I know I could get on with them if we were thrown into a room... but these relationships like the one above are broken now as far as I can see.

 

What do you reckon? Reach out to her anyway?

 

It feels beyond redemption to me - anyone had anything as desperate as this?

[nospam99]

Speaking only for me, if I could find her on FB (or elsewhere) I'd send an apology. YOU can even use ME as your excuse .... 'Hey, old friend, I was thinking of what an -ss I was when we ran into each other at that choir practice years ago. I felt so sh--ty about it that I even posted on a web site to 'confess' and to ask advice. Some old dude said he'd send an apology note, even after all this time. So ....' You take it from there. But I hope you get my thought. May work for you, may not.

[elaine567]

She was not some HS friend she was your crush.

So what are your intentions here?

She is obviously married and pregnant, so what are you going to bring to that party?

[howdidwegethere]

She was not some HS friend she was your crush.

So what are your intentions here?

She is obviously married and pregnant, so what are you going to bring to that party?

 

that's kind of the point. It makes me look like I'm after her. I have to admit I'd be kinda interested but actually that's not really what I'm after.

[howdidwegethere]

Speaking only for me, if I could find her on FB (or elsewhere) I'd send an apology. YOU can even use ME as your excuse .... 'Hey, old friend, I was thinking of what an -ss I was when we ran into each other at that choir practice years ago. I felt so sh--ty about it that I even posted on a web site to 'confess' and to ask advice. Some old dude said he'd send an apology note, even after all this time. So ....' You take it from there. But I hope you get my thought. May work for you, may not.

 

yeah cheers for the advice. I think I might send over an apology for sure... instead of adding her I might just send the message and hopefully she reads it.

[somanymistakes]

If she's married it's best not to approach, unless you want to risk ending up in a sordid tangle.

 

It's never too late to apologise to someone (as long as they're alive) but reconnecting with a old crush is a great way to end up joining us in the OW/OM forum, trapped in the cycle of drama.

[howdidwegethere]

If she's married it's best not to approach, unless you want to risk ending up in a sordid tangle.

 

It's never too late to apologise to someone (as long as they're alive) but reconnecting with a old crush is a great way to end up joining us in the OW/OM forum, trapped in the cycle of drama.

 

to be honest having looked her up on facebook I don't think I'll contact her. I acted pretty wack around her that day so it's not like she's waiting with baited breath to hear from me... plus her husband seems to be pretty good looking - I was thinking he'd be a short ass but looks like she got decent taste ;-)

 

So yeah... I find it annoying I'm not allowed to talk to her to be honest. It's not great - she's a good person. I haven't connected to another woman like her before.

 

On the plus side it's motivated me to get off my ass to such an extent I have trouble sleeping at night - so there's that.

[healing light]

I'd just send a one or two sentence apology to her via fb message. With or without a friend request. But I wouldn't pursue hanging out with her if she's married and you're still interested. I think the former suggestion in my post, though, will at least clear your conscience and make her feel a little better if she ever revisits that memory. There's a person I really adored, never dated (but I know the feelings were mutual), who ended up being an inexplicable ass to me. I would still appreciate the gesture after all this time if he decided to apologize.

[howdidwegethere]

I'd just send a one or two sentence apology to her via fb message. With or without a friend request. But I wouldn't pursue hanging out with her if she's married and you're still interested. I think the former suggestion in my post, though, will at least clear your conscience and make her feel a little better if she ever revisits that memory. There's a person I really adored, never dated (but I know the feelings were mutual), who ended up being an inexplicable ass to me. I would still appreciate the gesture after all this time if he decided to apologize.

 

 

Thanks for the sound advice and great insight :-) I'm gonna wait a bit until I message her - pretty sure she's gonna ask what I'm up to... so better to wait until I'm back in employment so I don't have to say 'unemployed'... lol

[elaine567]

This is nostalgia.

You are going through a tough time and want to reach back through time to try to recapture your youth and to make this girl see what she missed out on all that time ago.

You had a crush and did not act on it well enough to do yourself justice.

The recent meeting was just as bad if not worse and you feel the need to salvage the situation.

BUT time moves on, this girl has a husband and will soon have a new baby.

All you are going to get from her are some standard questions about how life has treated you, and a bit of awkwardness when she questions why you have bothered looking her up on FB, when you were so obviously hostile to her IRL.

 

The time for a natural chat was when you met face to face, by now intruding into her FB, it may be a step too far.

[howdidwegethere]

This is nostalgia.

You are going through a tough time and want to reach back through time to try to recapture your youth and to make this girl see what she missed out on all that time ago.

You had a crush and did not act on it well enough to do yourself justice.

The recent meeting was just as bad if not worse and you feel the need to salvage the situation.

BUT time moves on, this girl has a husband and will soon have a new baby.

All you are going to get from her are some standard questions about how life has treated you, and a bit of awkwardness when she questions why you have bothered looking her up on FB, when you were so obviously hostile to her IRL.

 

The time for a natural chat was when you met face to face, by now intruding into her FB, it may be a step too far.

 

it is nostalgia of sorts and she may not care to hear from me at all after all that. Who knows? But to me it's revising history to make it more optimistic and positive.

 

It's more for me than for her but I hope she appreciates it regardless.

 

And no, I'm not going to try to meet her.