How To Learn To Treat Women With Respect

[merrmeade]

Not sure if this one has been asked before.

 

How does one learn to get batter at treating women with respect and make them feel like they are appreciated and loved? What sorts of things can you do and say to make them feel that way?

As a woman, I appreciate a man having the humility to ask this question - not that I've answered it before. Just sayin': Good start. But it's hard to answer the way you've thrown everything together—the general and the specific.

 

First, why are you asking? Has someone told you that you DON'T treat women with respect? Or is it that specific women in relationships with you say you're disrespectful?

 

Second, these are really two different questions. That's why half the posts are arguing the polemics of discussing respect and the other half are giving you relationship advice. #1 is how to treat women with respect in general; #2 is how to make the ones you care about and have relationships with, feel loved and appreciated.

 

I mean, you won't need to show love and appreciation to every woman on the planet. You don't need to love and appreciate every woman you interact with in a week or even in a day, but you damn sure better show respect to every single one of them. So how to do that is #1. And, frankly, it's a no-brainer and like everyone said: Respect is non-gendered. You give women in general human respect and tact. You share respect with whomever you give and take anything—eye contact, money, space, time, information, etc.

 

But I suspect you're asking #2: How do you show someone you'd like to get close® to that you love, appreciate and respect her, right? Certainly, how do you avoid being disrespectful.

 

Maybe you can clarify your situation, OP, and why you're asking in order to get clearer answers.

[SammySammy]

If you have to “learn” to treat women with respect, then you probably shouldn’t be having relationships with women. Or think you can “make” them feel love.

 

Either you respect women or you don’t. Either you love them or you don’t.

 

There are no special contortions you have to go through. No magical tricks.

 

Just respect them. Love them. Appreciate them. Without trying to use any of that to manipulate them into respecting or loving you back.

 

True love and respect don’t work that way. They are freely given. Not used as bargaining chips.

[jjgitties]

So I'm not trying to be an ass. simply trying to overtly open up use of words and how they pertain to your question.

 

In light of me too, women and the movement of equality and respect, I guess my point is, why would you treat a women different from a man? people are people right?

 

My post was more geared to get some ideas or opinions of how to treat women you are in a relationship in with respect. I don't see that many posts of men asking or thinking about this enough so thats why I wanted to open up a thread to get people to think and post about it and post what ways that one can learn to get better at it.

 

But sure, I think we can open it up to a more generalized discussion on gender equality in society if that seems like thats where its going.

 

I have been accused of not showing appreciation and not showing respect and often find myself dumb founded by not knowing what else and how much more I can or need to do to make a women stop feeling that she is not being appreciated and respected the way she feels she needs to be.

 

btw.. happy holidays to everyone..

[heartbrokenlady]

My post was more geared to get some ideas or opinions of how to treat women you are in a relationship in with respect. I don't see that many posts of men asking or thinking about this enough so thats why I wanted to open up a thread to get people to think and post about it and post what ways that one can learn to get better at it.

 

But sure, I think we can open it up to a more generalized discussion on gender equality in society if that seems like thats where its going.

 

I have been accused of not showing appreciation and not showing respect and often find myself dumb founded by not knowing what else and how much more I can or need to do to make a women stop feeling that she is not being appreciated and respected the way she feels she needs to be.

 

btw.. happy holidays to everyone..

 

 

I think it's great that you're open to suggestions and criticism. Not many people are. Good on you.

[elaine567]

I have been accused of not showing appreciation and not showing respect and often find myself dumb founded by not knowing what else and how much more I can or need to do to make a women stop feeling that she is not being appreciated and respected the way she feels she needs to be.

 

Maybe we need some examples.

[RecentChange]

Ok I may get flogged for this....

 

But I always felt like I command respect.

 

Is respect something that is given.... Or earned?

 

I suppose we give the elderly respect - but isn't that because their age has made it so they earned it. Are women supposed to be respected.... Because they are the fairer gender -or?

 

I am respected by my spouse, the way he conducts himself and treats me, makes that abundantly clear. I have earned his respect.

 

My coworkers and boss respect me as well - again I have worked to earn it.

 

Now - I won't say any of them innately disrespected me due to my gender, but on the other hand I do not expect special treatment because of it.

 

And I hold doors for men, and curse like a sailor if it's appropriate in the situation I do not have "delicate sensibilities" that need to be catered to.

[basil67]

RC, I'm totally with you on earning respect. And may I suggest that while some earn respect, others demand respect. And demanding respect just because you're old or female or male doesn't fly for me.

 

When it comes to adults of any age or gender, I show respect right from the start. But if they behave badly, I will lose my respect.

[heartbrokenlady]

I have been accused of not showing appreciation and not showing respect and often find myself dumb founded by not knowing what else and how much more I can or need to do to make a women stop feeling that she is not being appreciated and respected the way she feels she needs to be.

 

 

 

This could be my ex speaking. He was somewhat on the spectrum and genuinely wasn't very aware.

 

not knowing what else and how much more I can or need to do

 

If it is a problem of NOT KNOWING, you could ask the specific woman.

 

If it is is problem of not being able to do more, well, that only leads down the route of divorce, doesn't it?

 

I'm trying not to lack sympathy, but I've been there too many times before. Only to have the individual express their heartbreak at being left when I accepted they could do no more (NOT with my most recent ex, the reverse was true this time). Can you REALLY do no more? Have you tried the examples the women on here have given you?

[jjgitties]

This could be my ex speaking. He was somewhat on the spectrum and genuinely wasn't very aware.

 

 

 

If it is a problem of NOT KNOWING, you could ask the specific woman.

 

If it is is problem of not being able to do more, well, that only leads down the route of divorce, doesn't it?

 

I'm trying not to lack sympathy, but I've been there too many times before. Only to have the individual express their heartbreak at being left when I accepted they could do no more (NOT with my most recent ex, the reverse was true this time). Can you REALLY do no more? Have you tried the examples the women on here have given you?

 

 

There is no specific issue or example at present. I was just posting what I recall being accused of from memory in my own marriage. But the main goal of this thread was just to try to get some discussion on respect towards women and how can a man get better at understanding what that means and maybe get better at it.

 

BTW.. there were lots of really eye opening and great examples on the thread and definitely things I might try one day.

[spiderowl]

I am seeing a guy who treats me with great respect. He asks my opinion about where we go, where I'd like to sit, when I would like to meet, what day, etc. He values my time and work. He doesn't lay down the law and tell me what we are doing.

 

He pays for things and does not expect me to pay. I do when I can but he wants to treat me well. I find that very generous and respectful. A guy who behaves as if he suspects you are going to take advantage of him is not very trusting and that comes across as disrespectful. I am not suggesting a man should pay for everything but that giving without receiving demonstrates trust, affection and care. Respect is all about care.

 

He phones me regularly to see how I am. Says if I need anything to let him know (even though I know it would be more difficult for him to help me because of his circumstances).

 

He always wants me to be comfortable and to feel cared for. He compliments and never criticises (well, so far). He makes me feel accepted and cared for. This guy would really go to a lot of trouble for me and would not do anything against my will or wishes. I really wish a lot more guys were like this.

Edited December 26, 2017 by spiderowl

[Popsicle]

Two of the qualities that I find very attractive (and rare) in men is the ability to be 1) empathetic to others and 2) emotionally expressive/demonstrative. Both of these must be genuine and not done just to get in my panties.

[Popsicle]

Provided that this is true and you are, in fact, asking how you can treat your wife better, then I will say this...

 

We often hurt the ones we love the most. When the people we love the most hurt us, fail us or we perceive that they have failed us, we tend to become unreasonably myopic and tunnel-visioned. We also tend to project at times. If you continue to hold such anger or animosity, you will less likely view her in a way that would result in you giving her more respect. I know, my friend. I lost complete respect for my ex and she became enemy #1 and I wanted nothing to do with her.

 

If we are talking about your wife, you have to let go of the blame game. Take responsibility for your part, but also know that your anger may be involved in how you treat her, speak to her.

 

Yes, there is this... pent up anger and animosity. Also, don't forget that some people aren't even angry with their partner but they just take them for granted. Like they'll always be there or something. Kind of lazy. And they're bored with them so they don't feel the motivation anymore.

[salparadise]

Ok I may get flogged for this....

 

But I always felt like I command respect.

 

Is respect something that is given.... Or earned?

 

I suppose we give the elderly respect - but isn't that because their age has made it so they earned it. Are women supposed to be respected.... Because they are the fairer gender -or?

 

I am respected by my spouse, the way he conducts himself and treats me, makes that abundantly clear. I have earned his respect.

 

My coworkers and boss respect me as well - again I have worked to earn it.

 

Now - I won't say any of them innately disrespected me due to my gender, but on the other hand I do not expect special treatment because of it.

 

And I hold doors for men, and curse like a sailor if it's appropriate in the situation I do not have "delicate sensibilities" that need to be catered to.

 

 

I'm glad you posted this. It's apparent from other posts in this thread that some [many?] women make no distinction between respect and extreme care-taking behaviors, being put on a pedestal, being the recipient of financial resources, mind reading, always getting her way, being deferred to because of her inherent delicate flower status (golden vagina)... such expectations are the quickest way for a woman to lose respect, imho! One person even said that he must do so without expectation of reciprocation, to include sex. Pffft.

 

When this the case there is no way for her partner to be appreciated or occasionally surprise on the upside... the man can only fall short, because everything imaginable is built into the default expectation.

 

I respect integrity, autonomy, intellectual and emotional intelligence, empathy, altruism, communication, effective decision making, congruency, reciprocity, living her values (which hopefully align with mine)... I could go on, but what it really comes down to is being a fully-functional, kind, appreciative human being. That is not a gender thing.

 

I would also add that there are many kinds and degrees of respect. We respect others by default in a certain way (assuming they haven't show they don't deserve it), but the way we respect our intimate partner is different by nuance and degree. I expected to hear better responses to this question.

[heartbrokenlady]

Have you even read all of the replies? Many of them assume that the OP is talking about his wife and have advised about how to show respect and care thru affection, by listening, talking and spending time together.

 

Yes, this stuff should be shown without thought of reciprocation. Because it is not a balancing of the books. If you do that, you'll spend all yourvtime doing mental arithmetic and that is pointless.

 

Basic, marriage stuff. NOT financial resources or being put on a pedestal.

 

I applaud him for wanting to try. It might fail. She may not ever want to reciprocate. But at least he'll know he's done what he can.

[William]

Did a quick review and found the latest statement from the thread starter to best define the directive I'll place below....

 

[]the main goal of this thread was just to try to get some discussion on respect towards women and how can a man get better at understanding what that means and maybe get better at it.

 

BTW.. there were lots of really eye opening and great examples on the thread and definitely things I might try one day.

 

The directive is, respecting this is a general question and placed into our general relationship discussion forum, to post to the topical content and not start discussion of off-topic content nor make inferences to the thread starter's marriage or any posts on it. However, do feel free to post to topics on his marriage/partnership in threads focused on those topics. A thread list is available in his profile.

 

Thanks!

[wmacbride]

This goes for both men and women...

 

Talk to the person, don't assume that you know how they feel.

 

be polite, courteous and treat them the way you would like to be treated

 

actually listen to them, ( reflective listening) and don't just sit there daydreaming or planning your rebuttal to their views

 

don't act with a hidden agenda...don't pretend to be respectful just so you can get something you want

 

show common courtesy and be polite

 

most of all, treat them as an adult who is capable of their own thoughts and opinions that may not be the same as yours. that doesn't mean you have to agree. people can disagree without being rude or dismissive

[Els]

I get the impression that the term respect in a relationship with a woman has a very different meaning that it does within the context of how men interpret it within their own relationships amongst each other.

 

As a woman in a LTR, I disagree. The way in which my partner shows me respect is similar to how he shows respect to everyone else- young, old, male, female, transgender, etc. But of course, while respect is ONE of the necessary ingredients in a healthy romantic relationship, it's not usually the only one. There are other things that I love about our relationship - love, tenderness, chivalry, bonding, intimacy - and for me, that's where the differences come in and make a romantic relationship different from a platonic one. But the respect component is mostly similar.

[spiderowl]

A poster mentioned that caring behaviours are not the same as respect. That is true. I can respect my boss, his/her decisions and authority, but I would not want to live with that person. Respect within an intimate relationship is bound to have different components to that within a working relationship.

 

If you say you respect your partner but do not care for them when they are ill or in need, then what are you doing? You are taking them for granted, ignoring their needs, failing them. That does not indicate respect to me.

Edited December 27, 2017 by spiderowl

[Maggie4]

I think sometimes when a person says "you don't respect me", he or she is actually trying to say "you've hurt my feelings". It isn't always easy to pinpoint and understand one's own feelings, and then calmly express it with the most accurate description.

[salparadise]

A poster mentioned that caring behaviours are not the same as respect. That is true. I can respect my boss, his/her decisions and authority, but I would not want to live with that person. Respect within an intimate relationship is bound to have different components to that within a working relationship.

 

If you say you respect your partner but do not care for them when they are ill or in need, then what are you doing? You are taking them for granted, ignoring their needs, failing them. That does not indicate respect to me.

 

Who said anything about not caring for a partner when they're ill or at any other time? I said some posters seem not to be able to distinguish between respect and care-taking. They aren't mutually exclusive, and they aren't one in the same. They're completely different concepts.

[ZayKayWill]

I seriously can't believe there needs to be a topic about how to treat someone with basic respect.

 

The beauty of the human race I guess.

[salparadise]

Have you even read all of the replies?

 

Yes.

 

Yes, this stuff should be shown without thought of reciprocation. Because it is not a balancing of the books. If you do that, you'll spend all yourvtime doing mental arithmetic and that is pointless.

 

Not score-keeping. I understand the difference. What I was talking about was the expectation that the care-taking thing is a gender entitlement. Anyone who feel that they're giving a lot more, and that their partner expects it and takes it for granted, is eventually going to end up being resentful. Flip the genders and see how well that works for ya. Unh huh.

[carhill]

IMO, define a unified respectful behavior, practice it and ignore those who seek to manipulate it, demean it, diminish it, or attack it. Discontinue interaction with them if possible and, if threatened, take them out. If married or in a committed relationship and supposed respect is a constantly moving target, divorce/break up. Don't hesitate. Outline the boundary and, if they cross it, erase them. It's the same as with other major boundaries. Gender neutral.

 

IME, it's pretty easy to define male respectful behavior towards women, presuming the male has a modicum of psychological health to begin with. Respect her (general her) the same as respecting one's blood females, grandmother, mother, daughter, sister, etc. It's not rocket science. Some men get the respect thing figured out as boys before puberty begins. Others take longer. Those with poor socialization or mental/emotional problems may never figure it out. A father or strong male role model who models healthy respect for women is helpful. Those early tapes are crucial.

 

Women can assist respectful men by not preferring, copulating with and producing further genetic material of those who aren't demonstrably respectful of women. That's enormous power. Earth changing power. Wield it. Thanks!

[William]

Moderation, per the prior directive, moved some off-topic posts to an existing thread they are on-topic in, the ending post in that group linked below:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/641985-when-do-you-know-its-time-2.html#post7496471

 

Feel free to continue the discussion of that relationship issue in that thread and a general discussion regarding treating women with respect here. Thanks!

[Shanex]

It boils down to treating people with respect at all. I respect my male friends and acquantainces and have always treated my girlfriends pretty well, though I admit to be a better man now than the obnoxious brat I was at 18.

 

So as basil mentioned, the street goes both way. I know about a male friend or two who are in marriage or LTR anyway and not treated too well, some have had the courage to break up or divorce to an awful partner. Some are staying because its been 10 years and they are afraid of being alone and even more so because they have children together.

 

Luckily I know about happy couples too. Its not always dramas. Treating your partner with respect is almost the #1 rule. It doesn't mean handing out roses or gifts everyday, rather being kind, comprehensive and thoughtful. Unfortunately even with that the relationship doesn't always last.