Pain is overwhelming

[divegrl]

OP, are you in counseling?

 

You are experiencing complicated grief. Which is common among people who think they have lost “the love of their life”.

 

You have actually become addicted to the suffering. A couselor, therapist, etc can help you work thru these emotions and move on.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Beachead]

I seem to feel better when I convince myself he will realise he lost a good person one of these days and make contact.

 

When I think about this never happening, I can't cope and I begin to feel suicidal.

 

I've been using a dating app to talk to other men. Nobody does or will compare. Really losing the will to live, i'm so sad this has happened to me. I'm wondering around in a cloud of depression constantly.

 

I agree with the others OP.

 

Stay close to the ones who make you feel the most comfortable and loved, shop around for therapsts/life coaches until you find one that you are comfortable with and work with them to restore your mental-health.

 

Keep it simple.

[stillafool]

Since you live with your parents talk to them about your struggle and perhaps take some time off work and enter a facility that can help you. You definitely shouldn't be looking for other men to date. You need seek help with professionals at this point rather than doing the same thing every day (LoveShack) which isn't helping you get over this at all.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I have had counselling and therapy for months but the cost of it meant I had to put it on the backburner. I'm also going to see a doctor soon, but i'm aware there is nothing much they can do about the situation. I've come to the conclusion that to get past this i'd have to meet someone else who fills his 'void', that or for him to realise what he has lost and come back to me.

 

I am suffering everyday, as is my physical health. I don't eat as much as I used to because I don't have the energy to cook. My skin is terrible, my hair has thinned and if i'm not at work, I spend alot of time sleeping.

 

I wish I could just turn off the pain of it all and feel more normal again.

[stillafool]

Do your parents cook and eat dinner? I'm sure they would share with you what they have cooked rather than watch you continually lose weight over a heartbreak. What are they suggesting you do about your situation? A new boyfriend is definitely not the answer to your problem.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

OP, are you in counseling?

 

You are experiencing complicated grief. Which is common among people who think they have lost “the love of their life”.

 

You have actually become addicted to the suffering. A couselor, therapist, etc can help you work thru these emotions and move on.

 

Good luck my friend.

 

I have heard this before. My therapist even suggested I could be suffering from PTSD.

 

After the original time with my first boyfriend, when that ended and I first experienced the heartbreak and despair/hopelessness of unrequited feelings/love I felt how I could never go through that again. It became my worst nightmare. So with my last ex, it happening again, it felt almost unbelievable. So my first ex couldn't love me, I just about got over that. But with the 2nd one, its overwhelming to go through again.

[BaileyB]

I've come to the conclusion that to get past this i'd have to meet someone else who fills his 'void', that or for him to realise what he has lost and come back to me.

 

I understand that you are suffering, but this is not going to work. It's just not the answer.

 

Glad to hear that you have an appointment with your doctor. Tell her exactly how you are feeling. There are things that can help - exercise, yoga, medication, counselling. I don't know where you live, but perhaps your doctor can make a referral for counselling which will help with the cost of the counselling. Or, go to a women's clinic where they provide free counselling. There is help out there, you just have to ask and then do it!

[Minneloa]

I've come to the conclusion that to get past this i'd have to meet someone else who fills his 'void', that or for him to realise what he has lost and come back to me.

 

I am sorry you are in so much pain. However, can you consider that, given your current state of depression, your thought process might not be the clearest?

 

For example, the statement quoted above is a false, self-defeating conclusion that is the product of distorted thinking and the depressive fog in which you are currently mired.

 

I implore you to put your focus on addressing your depression, rather than on your ex or dating someone new.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Minneloa

[Beachead]

I have heard this before. My therapist even suggested I could be suffering from PTSD.

 

After the original time with my first boyfriend, when that ended and I first experienced the heartbreak and despair/hopelessness of unrequited feelings/love I felt how I could never go through that again. It became my worst nightmare. So with my last ex, it happening again, it felt almost unbelievable. So my first ex couldn't love me, I just about got over that. But with the 2nd one, its overwhelming to go through again.

 

..and so your solution is to find someone new and risk going through another possible heartbreak again given your current state of mind?

 

I don't think you are thinking clearly at all.

 

Why did you come on Loveshack OP? What are you hoping to accomplish here? We want to help get you back on your feet and give you enough of a boost to want to help yourself.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

..and so your solution is to find someone new and risk going through another possible heartbreak again given your current state of mind?

 

I don't think you are thinking clearly at all.

 

Why did you come on Loveshack OP? What are you hoping to accomplish here? We want to help get you back on your feet and give you enough of a boost to want to help yourself.

 

Its a place for me to vent. I feel I can't speak to friends about it anymore, they are abit fed up after a year.

 

All I wanted growing up was to love, and be loved in return... should be simple right? Seems to be for the rest of the population. It hasn't happened for me, I feel like there must be something wrong with me daily. I believe its my looks. Why else would these men (exes) think i'm a great person but not want to love me?

 

Women always admire my apperance, tell me they wish they had my figure, say i've got a great dress sense. I make an effort to style my hair and wear makeup and it still isn't enough.

 

I just want validation that i'm not so bad. That I won't end up a spinster left on the shelf. That I won't always be the third wheel. Because at the moment, having only had one year in total where i've been 'taken', this feels like it will continue to be my reality. I'm so sad about it.

[todreaminblue]

Therapy will help you not live like this. It will also help you figure out why you can't get a relationship past the 6 month mark.

 

I'm old enough to be your mom. I have never had an EX contact me on my birthday. Not once. That isn't the test of how they felt about you at the time they were in your life.

 

I don't know what your plans are for tonight but can I suggest your curl up with some hot cocoa or a glass of wine & watch It's a Wonderful Life? Then think about all the ways you make the world a better place.

 

 

 

beautiful thoughts from donnivain here in her post.........

 

 

i would with personal experience and depression.....skip the wine however its a depressant....you probably wont stop at one...drunk and depressed not a good mix...i made a vertical slit in my arm 20 cm long with a broken beer bottle drunk and depressed i then let it get infected and hid it....eventually tried to tell a doctor a dog bit me as he scraped out green and dying flesh...he knew..because i am a horrible liar........and that doc referred me to my second shrink......never drink sad.....

 

my first suicide attempt was at about 13... 14......i took all the medication in my mums 4litre ice cream container.....and over dosed...forgot i had to baby sit for a family that night......i did it when my parents were working in our shop we owned one saturday..........so when my dad woke me when they came home so i could get ready.......i started throwing my guts up ......and i went and baby sat...threw up all night...cooked them dinner...threw up ...gave them ice cream threw up....put them to bed threw up..told them a story then threw up....then when they were asleep i hung out over the toilet bowl...till i felt i was dying.fell asleep spew in my hair........but i didnt die ..i baby sat all night in between spewing what i could..napping..i would check on them..........and earned ten dollars.....thought i was rich..threw up on the way home and continued to throw up all that night and the next day....i had nothing in my guts it was dry retching......and drool....i lived to get taken to see a doc.....who wanted me in hospital...my parents refused.....i lived.....i am a fighter...and so are you...writing on here proves that you are a fighter looking for support to fight....

 

suicide is something you cant take back.....you need to get help......professional help not just help on here.....or advice....i want you to know you matter ...you are someones ripple in life waiting to happen...dont tsunami them.....or even worse....never show up......

 

 

....what i have noticed in psych wards...caffeine gives a mental clarity when you feel like you are in a fog of sadness.....nearly everyone in a psyche ward hangs around the coffee and tea...they have bulk ......they actually have to put it away at night time....so patients will take their meds and actually sleep....it gets put away in the afternoon...herbal teas left out for everyone......maybe some hot chocolate..have to be fast to get the chocky though...

 

been in quite a few psyche wards i have tried to end my life a few times.....living is hard with depression.....but its not always going to be hard....its not finite that you will be down forever...it will pass....and you will be glad you lived.....watching good movies listening to music that soothes your tired spirit.....curling up and allowing yourself to rest.....do you like the sound of waves or bubbling creeks...find your happy place ...what is your happy place that you remember......somewhere you felt safe and at peace by yourself......recreate that space inside you......write about it...was it with a grandparent fishing....or on a boat with your mum wherever whenever that happy place was ...go there....

 

 

when you have bad thoughts write them down date them get them out of your head put those writings away ..........when you have good thoughts or ideas write them down date them...put them up on your wall.........do you have family....friends......anyone you share personal information with.....reach out to someone in your life be honest with them....and let them help you find the help you truly need to heal.....keep writing here ...fi you need to chat you can pm me or write in this thread.....what i find really helps is group therapy...you dont feel so alone and you meet others who struggle the same as you ...its a warm nurturing environment...your own cocoon of understanding...i urge you to seek help...suicidal thoughts dont muck with them..let somebody close to you not only behind a keyboard know how you feel and soon...........

..a sister a brother a church person...whomever you have been close to ..reach out my friend...you matter....... you matter..... you count and your life has a purpose you just havent reached yet...so reach out...so one day ...you can reach out to someone who needs you to be there for them..dont give up.....reach up.......and out....you will feel better one day ...give yourself as much chance for that as you would want another to have....thinking of you and sending vibes of peace ..............deb..

[unit1]

Its a place for me to vent. I feel I can't speak to friends about it anymore, they are abit fed up after a year.

 

All I wanted growing up was to love, and be loved in return... should be simple right? Seems to be for the rest of the population. It hasn't happened for me, I feel like there must be something wrong with me daily. I believe its my looks. Why else would these men (exes) think i'm a great person but not want to love me?

 

Women always admire my apperance, tell me they wish they had my figure, say i've got a great dress sense. I make an effort to style my hair and wear makeup and it still isn't enough.

 

I just want validation that i'm not so bad. That I won't end up a spinster left on the shelf. That I won't always be the third wheel. Because at the moment, having only had one year in total where i've been 'taken', this feels like it will continue to be my reality. I'm so sad about it.

my dear,

start to tell youself in the mirror" I m beautiful, ""I m loved, I m taken care of by my best friend""the universe is sending him he is on the road"

[stillafool]

Its a place for me to vent. I feel I can't speak to friends about it anymore, they are abit fed up after a year.

 

All I wanted growing up was to love, and be loved in return... should be simple right? Seems to be for the rest of the population. It hasn't happened for me, I feel like there must be something wrong with me daily. I believe its my looks. Why else would these men (exes) think i'm a great person but not want to love me?

 

Women always admire my apperance, tell me they wish they had my figure, say i've got a great dress sense. I make an effort to style my hair and wear makeup and it still isn't enough.

 

I just want validation that i'm not so bad. That I won't end up a spinster left on the shelf. That I won't always be the third wheel. Because at the moment, having only had one year in total where i've been 'taken', this feels like it will continue to be my reality. I'm so sad about it.

 

Having a man is not the end all and be all of this world. Your appearance has been validated by other people not that that is so important either. Lots of people who are not seen as physically attractive meet someone, get married and lead happy lives so looks really has nothing to do with it. The main thing is to be happy mentally and emotionally. Once you stop venting the same thing over and over (which is keeping you stuck) and seek professional help for your mental and emotional well being you will be on the right track.

[BaileyB]

Physical appearance means nothing if you are not healthy on the inside.

[Beachead]

Its a place for me to vent. I feel I can't speak to friends about it anymore, they are abit fed up after a year.

 

All I wanted growing up was to love, and be loved in return... should be simple right? Seems to be for the rest of the population. It hasn't happened for me, I feel like there must be something wrong with me daily. I believe its my looks. Why else would these men (exes) think i'm a great person but not want to love me?

 

Women always admire my apperance, tell me they wish they had my figure, say i've got a great dress sense. I make an effort to style my hair and wear makeup and it still isn't enough.

 

I just want validation that i'm not so bad. That I won't end up a spinster left on the shelf. That I won't always be the third wheel. Because at the moment, having only had one year in total where i've been 'taken', this feels like it will continue to be my reality. I'm so sad about it.

 

 

I'm trying to understand why was it so important for you to love and be loved growing up? And more importantly, if this is how you feel, why did you end it with some of guys you dated?

Edited January 24, 2018 by Beachead

[todreaminblue]

I'm trying to understand why was it so important for you to love and be loved growing up? And more importantly, if this is how you feel, why did you end it with some of guys you dated?

 

maybe its just because its what most peoplewant to have growing up like the first part of your signature quote..

.people are meant to be loved...

...kids in particular need this growing up...to thrive and prosper..... maybe there was time growing up she didnt feel loved at all....or have been able to love a parental figure ....rebuffed...it happens....parents make mistakes....

 

i have found quite a lot on loveshack and its threads ...that people desire validation......for no other reason than to feel validated.....i have found on loveshack so many their only ask is to be loved(hah my fave word ...BELOVED).....and to love in return.....and beaten up because they havent found that Yet.....yet is key ......

 

OP

 

 

i validate your feelings, i accept who you are....i know and understand you are struggling...i validate that struggle ...because i have lived in that space. you matter your life matters.....you have purpose and a reason for being here....it wouldnt matter to me if i understood you not one bit.....i would still validate you without questions withotu you needing to explain or struggl eto explain how you feel ....its a doen deal ..you are worthy of everything good your heart desires to have to and to hold.............

 

OP i will offer this advice ...or thoughts would be a better word you cannot enter in a relationship o rmake any major life decisions in the state you are in...getting professional help will guide you to where you will be ready...to enter into a relationship with hope and a better understanding of strategies to cope.....you wont find a good relationship because with depression and depressive states and especially suicidal thoughts...you will not be able to give your love to another life when you have no love fo your own.....find the love internally...... validate yourself by accepting who you are.... mirrors arent my specialty...:0)...bleh.....but here is a recent mantra i have for you/.....i am worthy of all that is good in my heart...my heart is good so i am good...i want good things always ...i deserve good........say it aloud often....

 

 

then seek professional help to guide you to where you are ready to accept all the good that comes your way....help is the first step ...you must take that first step...and know the more you heal.....the closer you will be to share a long lasting good relationship with a man who sees all the good in you...i validate your struggle and hope to hear of your first step....however if you ever need parking validation...i only accept lindt chocolate......;0)..no cash kept on loveshack site......smilin atcha...sigh ok ill validate your parking free too......:bunny:..deb.....

[Blanco]

All I wanted growing up was to love, and be loved in return... should be simple right? Seems to be for the rest of the population.

 

That last statement is nonsense, quite frankly. If it were true, forums such as this would not exist. Seriously, you have to lose this victim, "Everyone else has it easy" mentality when it comes to romance. It's so inaccurate that it borders on insulting to read.

 

Your first statement almost makes me feel like perhaps you were missing something from your childhood. Perhaps your parental figures ensured you had what you needed in the way of necessities, but were more lacking when it came to the emotionally nurturing details.

[BaileyB]

And, as the Beatles say... "The love you take, is equal to the love you make..."

 

I would ask OP, how much love are you "making?" Are you a loving daughter, friend, do you volunteer, spend time giving to other people?

 

Reading your last post, it's take, take, take... Somebody please love me!

 

I'm sorry to say, it doesn't work at way. Nobody in this life is guaranteed to find love. Nobody is guaranteed to get married, or have children, or have good health, etc... Stop with the victim mentality.

[todreaminblue]

OP you need help......professional help not us behind our keyboards.....i dont believe at all you are playing the victim,you are a victim of depression..... its not helpful for you to take this thread in.......i believe you have untreated depression for a while now and its not getting any better...i validate you....you deserve to be loved...everyone does.

 

if you read the concept of loveshack it is to be in a supportive caring environment to discuss interpersonal relationship and issues...suicide is a serious issue that needs professional help....loveshack and the posters on here including myself have issues and bias that affect our posts...we are not professional counsellors......you in a depressed state do not need tough love concepts.....you need support and nurturing to heal and get better so you can have that love...

 

i am reporting this thread if you dont ask it to be closed..........often when threads make me feel retarded ...its because helplessness strikes me dumb....replies you are getting are making me feel helpless......and i have a really strong desire to protect......minimise damage...see you get help......its only happened a couple of times to me on loveshack.....but i have been triggered lately by other threads with thoughtless and plain wrong responses.........i feel the thread should be closed for you....if you would rather request your thread closed let me know.......and its imperative that you seek professional help ..your life may depend on that help...your life is important.......its what you must have and what you must do is to seek help ......maybe even meds ....you need a compassionate caring mental health official to help you.....please see someone..........do it because i believe you will have love and care if you do..you so deserve to feel that in your life.......i wish you light and much love.....deb

Edited January 25, 2018 by todreaminblue

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry this discussion has triggered you Deb. Your posts are always so thoughtful and supportive.

 

This has been a difficult discussion for everyone who has posted. It is clear that OP is experiencing a significant depression for which she has received some medical attention, and we have all encouraged her to go back and seek more assistance. Your post is an important reminder that despite best intentions, we are not therapists... I hope you both get the help you need to be healthy and happy.

[todreaminblue]

I'm sorry this discussion has triggered you Deb. Your posts are always so thoughtful and supportive.

 

This has been a difficult discussion for everyone who has posted. It is clear that OP is experiencing a significant depression for which she has received some medical attention, and we have all encouraged her to go back and seek more assistance. Your post is an important reminder that despite best intentions, we are not therapists... I hope you both get the help you need to be healthy and happy.

 

 

no we arent therapists........and what is also really important to remember si we dont know if someone we try to help in all our bumbling and judgments is triggered into a life risk situation......we dont know this girl we will not be there on the ledge for her bailey barring her ...stopping her from giving up ..............for all we know it could be a young girl......posing as an older girl...we know close to nothing...would your reply change if you believed you might be conversing with a 13 year old a 16 yr old.......i know my replies would change...kicking myself.....i have this sinking feeling her words ....are young bailey.......only a therapist will get that chance to know who she is and be age appropriate.........what her life is like...how to help her best...i am fine at the moment bailey and thank you for caring......i get triggered in real life as well...and its something i have strategies for ...i have been in and out of psych hospitals....everytime i leqave one i go that sit for me i am never going back...but the truth is when i feel suicidal i will....go back...because i know i am a ripple to many....i matter...i dotn need validation .. i know i matter.......op matters....she needs a cocoon of safety ..i dont feel she is safe......not from herself and possibly vulnerable to others.....

 

if you feel from my posts that i need help because i have been triggered into defensive mode....dont......its good for me to fight for others.i mostly wait until i am asked........its one of my purposes in real life....i am loyal to that purpose...its not a bad thing.......deb

Edited January 25, 2018 by todreaminblue

[clam]

Get a dog. Seriously.

 

Focus all your attention on caring for, training, and loving something that will love you back unconditionally. Your thinking is really skewed on this... Do you really pin your entire hopes, dreams and worthiness on the so called love on one man?

 

A dog will teach you things about real love that you never even realized. Heal your broken heart by selflessly giving a piece of it to something that will help you actually mend it.

 

And if you don’t want to own the dog, consider fostering one instead. It truly is time to end this pity party, stop entertaining suicidal thoughts, and move forward.

[Nadine123]

Hi OP

 

I've been following this thread for a while now and here is what I have to tell you.

 

1) You are placing your happiness in the hands of other people, in this case a man who really doesn't care about you the way you do. This will continue if you don't take any steps to improve your life or self. Did you meditate? Did you exercise? Did you take any positive steps for your future? NO.

 

2) You are living in the victim mentality as everyone said. There is a reason why this didn't work out. Take this as a blessing in disguise and work on yourself. Being good looking doesnt mean anything. There are many great looking people who get rejected and dumped. As someone mentioned here, you will continue repeating the same pattern if you dont work on yourself.

 

3) Please invest in the book ''when women love too much''. It will really help you understand why you're acting the way you do and what you can do to solve it.

 

4) Killing or hurting yourself doesnt accomplish anything. Think about your parents, who worked hard to raise you and get you where you are.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Taxed]

I have read this thread and all I want to do is reach out and say to you:

 

It will be okay. You will turn out just fine.

 

This is coming from someone who has suffered from depressions and anxiety on and off since youth and been medicated for 15 years until last year.

 

I thought, like you, that there needed to be another someone to complete me and I think that this misconception has added heavily to my own feelings of pain and rejection and a general feeling of being flawed and wrong during the years.

 

When I was 24 I lost what I thought was the love of my life and I cried and I wanted to end my life...

 

Pain is part of life but so are laughter, kitties, bumblebees, puppies, good food, friends, inspiration, new insights...

 

Yes, yes. It is clichéed to point out. But, you may also consider the following:

 

We have been culturally conditioned, through Hollywood movies, songs, Valentine Day and all that crap, to believe that we need this in order to be happy. It is simple brainwashing and I honestly want you to consider, if it is really the authentic you who want that perfect knight?

 

What if you could learn to feel that it is ok to be just fine, allright and awesome just being you?

 

I urge you to learn to be a bit more gentle and easy on yourself and let go of perfect expectations to yourself, others and life.

 

Many thoughts and light your way.

[Vivir]

I read through this thread until about page 15, and I just want to thank everyone who responded and showed empathy and support to Heartbrokenandhurt, the original poster. You all have already written so many helpful suggestions, given your plentiful advice, and offered messages of hope and care. I cannot top what has been written, but want to offer peace to Heartbrokenandhurt, too. Moreover, as a person who suffers from depression, and is currently clawing my way out of heartbreak and despair, I am truly grateful to you all.

 

Thank you all. Reading the discussion in this thread has helped me even though it was not meant for me.