stillafool Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 It is too much responsibility to be a persons only source of happiness. OP, what are your parents saying about your condition at this point? We know you live with them and I'm wondering what are their suggestions for you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Being distant or detaching in the weeks/months leading up to a breakup is fairly normal. It just means the person is pondering the future of the relationship and taking his or her time in reaching what will be a major decision. I mean, would you have preferred the alternative where things are seemingly amazing and then he dumps you the next day with no warning? Rational people take their time with things like this. Only an impulsive person with little control of their emotions would make such a snap decision. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Perhaps, the very things that OP is doing to keep her stuck in this misery are exactly why he decided to end the relationship. It's certainly not conducive to a happy, healthy long term relationship... CO, am I correct in saying that your husband cheated and you are divorced. Did he "ruin your life" such that you have been unable to move on and find any happiness? No. Of course not. You seem to be doing just fine... You are correct. And absolutely no, he did not ruin my life. He doesn't deserve to hold that power, that's for sure. Did it hurt for while? Like hell. But I'm just fine now because I wanted to feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 You are correct. And absolutely no, he did not ruin my life. He doesn't deserve to hold that power, that's for sure. Did it hurt for while? Like hell. But I'm just fine now because I wanted to feel better. I believe OP, that deep down you also want to feel better. But, I don't think you are ready to end this pity party just yet. It doesn't seem that you are ready to get help and move on... It's still easier to stay home and wallow in self pity than to move on, take another risk, and live your life... Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 He did lie to me. He was being funny and distant for weeks, yet was still bringing me to see his family and having sex with me. For him to so easily walk away, he must have been lying about his feelings. Also I don't agree with deciding not to be with someone long term... haven't they being lying the duration of the short term in that case? Did he tell you he loved you or say something of equal weight? Did he talk about a future? Kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 CO, am I correct in saying that your husband cheated and you are divorced. Did he "ruin your life" such that you have been unable to move on and find any happiness? No. Of course not. You seem to be doing just fine... When someone cheats, it is a character flaw of the cheater not the person that gets cheated on. I firmly believe that. That wouldn't destroy my self worth as much because I can automatically categorize that person as trash. CO, deserves so much better than that!! But.... When someone leaves and prefers to be single or to be in a relationship with someone else, especially when everything seems good. It stings so much.... It feels like you aren't good enough. Like your are worthless. Because essentially it wasn't that you were incompatible as people say, its more that your ex thinks they can do better... Because in a sense your aren't good enough for them... Thats why people get dumped unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 When someone cheats, it is a character flaw of the cheater not the person that gets cheated on. I firmly believe that. That wouldn't destroy my self worth as much because I can automatically categorize that person as trash. CO, deserves so much better than that!! But.... When someone leaves and prefers to be single or to be in a relationship with someone else, especially when everything seems good. It stings so much.... It feels like you aren't good enough. Like your are worthless. Because essentially it wasn't that you were incompatible as people say, its more that your ex thinks they can do better... Because in a sense your aren't good enough for them... Thats why people get dumped unfortunately. I hear what you are saying... But, that is a huge assumption to make. You don't know why he ended the relationship... It could have just as much if not more to do with him and where he is in his life than with the person who was "dumped." And, the bottom line is... we are not all compatable with any given person. For whatever reason, he decided you were not compatable and he wanted something else (note: I didn't say "more"). It's ok for him to make this decision, and it in no way reflects on the person who has been "dumped." It just, for whatever reason, wasn't what he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) When someone cheats, it is a character flaw of the cheater not the person that gets cheated on. I firmly believe that. That wouldn't destroy my self worth as much because I can automatically categorize that person as trash. CO, deserves so much better than that!! But.... When someone leaves and prefers to be single or to be in a relationship with someone else, especially when everything seems good. It stings so much.... It feels like you aren't good enough. Like your are worthless. Because essentially it wasn't that you were incompatible as people say, its more that your ex thinks they can do better... Because in a sense your aren't good enough for them... Thats why people get dumped unfortunately. When someone cheats on you and leaves you for that person, whom they prefer over you, it does hurt. It's not really different than if they'd just left you for that person without cheating.... I do get what you mean in a sense though. The first time my exH cheated it was with an anonymous Craiglist...advertiser...or maybe she responded to HIS ad, I forget. But, she was just a body. I don't think he even knew her name and I know for a fact he never saw her pic. So yes, it was "easier" because he was just a gross wretch of a man. (Who I stupidly took back but that's another story). It didn't hurt as much as the second time did, that's for sure. Edited January 17, 2018 by CautiouslyOptimistic Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 When someone cheats on you and leaves you for that person, whom they prefer over you, it does hurt. It's not really different than if they'd just left you for that person without cheating.... I do get what you mean in a sense though. The first time my exH cheated it was with an anonymous Craiglist...advertiser...or maybe she responded to HIS ad, I forget. But, she was just a body. I don't think he even knew her name and I know for a fact he never saw her pic. So yes, it was "easier" because he was just a gross wretch of a man. (Who I stupidly took back but that's another story). It didn't hurt as much as the second time did, that's for sure. Not to be redundant, but again... Your hurt is valid OP but you don't have the market covered on pain. Imagine, having two young children and your husband - the man who put a ring on your finger and promised to love you forever - cheats on you twice with women he meets on Craig's list. That is pain and that is HARD to come back from... And yet, CO has moved past this experience to build a happy life for herself and her children. Much to be admired in that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Not to be redundant, but again... Your hurt is valid OP but you don't have the market covered on pain. Imagine, having two young children and your husband - the man who put a ring on your finger and promised to love you forever - cheats on you twice with women he meets on Craig's list. That is pain and that is HARD to come back from... And yet, CO has moved past this experience to build a happy life for herself and her children. Much to be admired in that. Actually, to clarify, first time was with the CL woman, second time an actual relationship and they are still together. It's a very long story. But, yes, I've built a very happy life and haven't let it define me. I will say, though, that I'm older than OP and have had a lot of crap happen in my life to sortof build up a tough skin. I'm not sure I'd have fared so well if this crap had happened in my twenties and not my late thirties and early forties. With maturity comes strength and resilience. Usually. I wish I could get OP to see that. That she can get through it, gain strength, and be happy. But only if she wants to, and I don't think she does. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) I will say, though, that I'm older than OP and have had a lot of crap happen in my life to sort of build up a tough skin. With maturity comes strength and resilience. Usually. Absolutely, it is one of the best things about getting older. But, this is also how you develop strength and maturity... To have things happen like a breakup when you learn the lesson that the sky didn't fall, life goes on, and eventually another guy will come along... You may have had a bad experience but you got through it! And this, usually gives you the confidence to take another risk and the self esteem to know that you will be strong enough to handle whatever happens. It's perspective, resilience, strength, and maturity... Edited January 17, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Hi Hb&h Lots of good advice being given on this thread for you, much of it I will also take for myself. I'm old enough to be your father, my daughter is 10 yrs older than you. I've been thru 2 marriages, a total of 21 yrs. had my heart torn out and trashed and thought the hurt and pain would kill me. I'm no tough guy so don't think I'm any different than you. Best time of my life was in between marriages when I bought a motorcycle and put 50,000 miles on it traveling the country, sleeping under the stars, going any which way the wind blows, not care in the world, nobody to answer to, so many experiences. Best advice I was given was from a riding buddy, he said when life has got you down throw up your arms and shout, Ain't Life Great!, more or less just tell your demons you will succeed. It's time to take that boy off that pedestal. It's time to care about you. Peace 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 I appreciate everyones advice. I really do. The person who called me selfish for not posting on other threads.... Its a struggle just living, posting in peoples threads is not as much of a priority, getting through a day is my priority. I beat myself up everyday for not being enough. Tell myself I must be this and that which must be why i'm not wanted. I think how I could just end things and I wouldn't be in pain or feel rejected or like a failure anymore. All this whilst putting on a brave face for work or friends weddings where i'm dead inside. This is not easy. I appreciate that there are people dying out there. It doesn't make me want live anymore though sadly. I'm tired, i'm fed up. I'm giving up. If there was an easy, painless way out I reckon i'd be way gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 Making another Doctors appointment. I can't cope with the crazy mood swings. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Making another Doctors appointment. I can't cope with the crazy mood swings. Well, that's the most positive thing you've said in a while... Good for you. The other thing to ask... for a referral to talk to a counsellor. There are people who want to help you - get the help you need! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) I appreciate everyones advice. I really do. The person who called me selfish for not posting on other threads.... Its a struggle just living, posting in peoples threads is not as much of a priority, getting through a day is my priority. I beat myself up everyday for not being enough. Tell myself I must be this and that which must be why i'm not wanted. I think how I could just end things and I wouldn't be in pain or feel rejected or like a failure anymore. All this whilst putting on a brave face for work or friends weddings where i'm dead inside. This is not easy. I appreciate that there are people dying out there. It doesn't make me want live anymore though sadly. I'm tired, i'm fed up. I'm giving up. If there was an easy, painless way out I reckon i'd be way gone. 5 important observations/advice I have for you 1. You currently don't have respect for yourself. You don't value yourself. You don't invest in yourself. Over your life, you've transferred your worth into the hands of others. You said it yourself..you don't even care about your career. And that isn't right OP. You need to care about yourself. 2. Learn to appreciate the existing good in your life. Those things that get you out of bed in the morning. There will be atleast one thing that stands up more than others. For me, it's my family or hope that I can reach my dreams. If you can't find the good in your life, you won't be able to handle the rough patches that come in a relationship when you do get into one. The second things get hard, you'll explode into insecurity and fear and distance. Knowing what you have in your life and knowing what you bring to the table will keep you balanced in such times. 3. You try to please others and sacrifice your needs/wants and have compromised your self-worth which is why you've burned out. You don't need to put on a brave face for anyone. F*ck them. Learn to say no. Learn to prioritize yourself. Learn to displease people and learn to be okay with it. Because no matter how hard you try to be enough for others, there will always be someone out there who won't like you or approve of something you said or did. Stop giving a d*mn. 4. The way you perceive yourself and your situation is what is affirming your negative biases about yourself and your life. It's poisoned your mind and is affecting the way you deal with adversity. You need to undo this. 5. Don't practice the above 4 points for anybody else but yourself. I have confidence that in the future, these points will hit home. Best of luck to you OP. Much Love. Edited January 17, 2018 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 I've been really hurting today. Quite honestly I want to go to sleep and never wake up. That thought brings me peace. Feeling so unloved is a horrible thing. Unfortunately, I will wake up and have to go to work, when i'm too unwell to be there, do my act and come home exhausted. And those thoughts will just continue and continue like always. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I've been really hurting today. Quite honestly I want to go to sleep and never wake up. That thought brings me peace. Feeling so unloved is a horrible thing. Unfortunately, I will wake up and have to go to work, when i'm too unwell to be there, do my act and come home exhausted. And those thoughts will just continue and continue like always. Sorry it's been a bad day . What do you do for a living? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I've been really hurting today. Quite honestly I want to go to sleep and never wake up. That thought brings me peace. Feeling so unloved is a horrible thing. Unfortunately, I will wake up and have to go to work, when i'm too unwell to be there, do my act and come home exhausted. And those thoughts will just continue and continue like always. Have you told your parents how you are feeling? Or, talked with a close friend? Darling girl, you need help. Please, talk with someone in your real life who can help you to get the counselling and medical attention that you need. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Have you told your parents how you are feeling? Or, talked with a close friend? Darling girl, you need help. Please, talk with someone in your real life who can help you to get the counselling and medical attention that you need. I agree. It must be the empathy in me but I am genuinely worried for you. You need to talk to your family. I know it's scary and unpleasant but it is a must. You cannot take on this burden alone. I've learned to open up to my mom whenever things become unbearable. It helps a lot. I don't even think working right now is good either and I know that might be an unpopular opinion but I still stand by it. You can barely find the strength for yourself and you are there most of your time trying to put on your best face. It is like full-time pretending. I worked as an accountant in corporate for a little while and I was battling my emotions during a rough patch last year and it was horrible. I just never had time to even hear myself think because all my energy was invested for work. I'd go home and just lie in my bed feeling so exhausted. I stopped talking to my family. It got worse and worse. Eventually work ended up letting me go because my performance was suffering and you know what I felt? I felt relieved. Since then, I've recovered a lot. I've begun to talk to my family again and I've started going back to the gym. I feel better. I really needed the time to myself. I think you really need it too. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 If you are having a difficult time getting out of bed and going to work, that is a definite sign of a severe depression. This isn't about a boy anymore... You need help for depression. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 If you are having a difficult time getting out of bed and going to work, that is a definite sign of a severe depression. This isn't about a boy anymore... You need help for depression. I agree. OP, this is not a normal reaction to a breakup of this nature. I hope you can believe us and seek help because it WILL make you feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 My family, close friends, Doctors and Counselling all know my struggles. They find it difficult too, they want me to see the light but I just can't when things never get better and my life feels so stale. I've been on anti-depressants even before I met my ex and even tried new ones aswell when I felt current ones were not working. Colleagues don't know. I don't like to reveal it to work as I don't want to be believed to be incompetant. I have proved to work mostly through out this living hell. Even after the eventful dumping, the morning after, I was there at 9am. A mess inside and broken but there I was. After feeling love for somebody and also the intense rejection from that person (And the rejection Nc feels like every single day) every little hope to get what I wanted from life, which was always just simply to love and be loved, get married and have a family (something so normal for everybody else it seems) has just slowly burnt away, it just lessens all the time and I think, maybe life isn't for me, maybe my very existance is a mistake if I cannot achieve a normal everyday goal. I feel very flawed. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I feel very flawed. You are very flawed. So am I. So is BaileyB, and Beachead, and Lowrider93, and everyone else on LS and on Planet Earth. Being coupled up is not the be-all and end-all marker of success in life. Trust me. You don't seem to be lonely as much as you feel like you haven't achieved this particular "goal." You're beating yourself up because you haven't found this particular "success." Your thinking is faulty and I hope you will consider getting back on an anti-depressant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 I am on an anti depressant and have been for years now. Link to post Share on other sites
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