Pain is overwhelming

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am on an anti depressant and have been for years now.

 

Oh, ok, sorry, didn't realize that. When's the last time you had it "tweaked?" Maybe it's not quite working for you anymore?

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Dose was doubled around the middle of last year but there wasn't much of a change in my mood. Probably because of what happened with my ex. ( Who at the time, was back in my life breadcrumbing and giving me false hope.)

 

I sometimes feel like a candle, when the wax has all burnt away and its starting to go out. I sometimes can feel ok and be ok. Until i'm reminded by either myself thinking or seeing something (a couple) that throws me back into despair.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I sometimes feel like a candle, when the wax has all burnt away and its starting to go out. I sometimes can feel ok and be ok. Until i'm reminded by either myself thinking or seeing something (a couple) that throws me back into despair.

 

This has to be exhausting. Have you tried getting out and doing something nice for someone else? Doesn't even have to be a huge volunteer job....maybe just buying flowers for an old lady? Going to the park for a walk and paying a random person a compliment? Going to the Dairy Queen drive-through and paying for the person behind you?

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I help people in that way everyday in my job. It feels like I make other peoples day but nobody makes mine. I'm not saying i'm entitled to anything, but when you're always the one giving and never recieving yourself, that can emotionally wear you down too.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I help people in that way everyday in my job. It feels like I make other peoples day but nobody makes mine. I'm not saying i'm entitled to anything, but when you're always the one giving and never recieving yourself, that can emotionally wear you down too.

 

Doing it as an obligation for your job is entirely different than doing something nice for someone because you want to. I know....I worked for a non-profit human service agency for 11 years.

 

You're very full of excuses to not try to get better.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry. This must be exhausting and discouraging for you.

 

I would suggest that you revisit your doctor and your counsellor. You may need a change of meds. And honestly, you have some very rigid and distorted thinking patterns that hopefully, a counsellor can help you to change.

 

But, as you know, the person who has to do the changing is you. Depression makes it harder, but nobody can heal this but you. Things like exercise, social connections, helping others, yoga/meditation... all good things but only if you do them.

 

I really do wish you well. I have great empathy for your struggle with depression and I hope you find some kind of happiness in your life.

[HiCrunchy]

I've been really hurting today. Quite honestly I want to go to sleep and never wake up. That thought brings me peace. Feeling so unloved is a horrible thing. Unfortunately, I will wake up and have to go to work, when i'm too unwell to be there, do my act and come home exhausted. And those thoughts will just continue and continue like always.

 

Hey dear. I identify with your story because the time line, durations of the relationship and your reaction were all like mine. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed and cry for hours.

 

The day before my birthday two weeks ago I cried soo much missing him, missing the laughs and cuddles.

 

I decided the other day, with the new year that I just want feel better. It has already been 1 year and a half. I am not going to lose my feelings like other people do. I just have to learn to love unconditionally.

It was weird and conscious choice. I actively told myself I can’t live like this anymore. I still struggle, but my mind set has shifted.

 

I stilll love my ex and I am not saying u have to stop loving yours.

Love him, wish him well and tell urself that it’s okay to still love him even if he isn’t an active part of ur life. Love him unconditionally. Release those negative feeling s you have.

 

Love him without expectation that has to do anything. Love him truely and be happy for him. And don’t forget to love yourself.

 

That is what I have decided to do. I hope this will help you. We can do this.

Edited January 19, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Lowrider93]

Hey young lady

It's fairly easy for most of us to see that your dilemma goes

way beyond the loss of your relationship with this fellow,

although it doesn't help the situation.

You made a connection with someone who you thought

could rescue you from all the loneliness that you have

felt thruout your life and I understand that well,however

that would make you very codependent and this would

not be good for you or your future partner, yes it will

happen for you, but you have to prepare yourself by

accepting and even embracing this time that your flying solo.

 

Believe me relationships are not white picket fences and the

the grass is not always greener on the other side.

 

Anything worth having (happiness) is worth fighting for.

 

Start fighting!

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Thank you everyone.

 

I can't live without him it feels. When we were good, it was the best time of my life although I didn't know it.

 

To be dumped and uncared for in this way, makes me feel like a forgotten piece of trash. And I can't cope with the memories I think through everyday. How because I am me, it didn't work out. I actually don't know if I will go on, if I get that courage to get out of this mess, I think I will. I can't see me feeling the same way about anybody again... and even if I did, what if i'm still not good enough for them?

 

I'm so deeply deeply sad.

[Fever of love]

Thank you everyone.

 

I can't live without him it feels. When we were good, it was the best time of my life although I didn't know it.

 

To be dumped and uncared for in this way, makes me feel like a forgotten piece of trash. And I can't cope with the memories I think through everyday. How because I am me, it didn't work out. I actually don't know if I will go on, if I get that courage to get out of this mess, I think I will. I can't see me feeling the same way about anybody again... and even if I did, what if i'm still not good enough for them?

 

I'm so deeply deeply sad.

 

 

Chin up, Heartbroken- I'm a middle aged man, but I can still relate to every single sentence you have written here. I feel exactly the same about being trashed, as do many of us on this board.

 

Men, women, old and young- we're all going through exactly the same process. Does that not show it's 'normal', just part of the human condition?

 

I can't cope either- but each day passes, and it turns out I have coped. My own extended stay in Heartbreak Hotel seems to have split humanity into 2 groups- the heartless and selfish, and those that they have hurt.

 

I may be hurting, but I'd rather be broken hearted than heartless. Same goes for you Heartbroken- I know it's difficult, all of us here know it's difficult, but at least you're a fully functional human being who actually feels emotion. You can be slightly proud of yourself to recognize that you actually have deep feelings.

 

You/we can't internalize someone else's inability to act with compassion- that's entirely on them, not us, in spite of the fact that many of that type try to pin the blame the one they are hurting. That's just one of the many nasty tricks they play to protect their own ego from the realization that they are in the wrong, and are behaving badly.

 

Keep the faith, you'll be OK, and you'll come out of this stronger and wiser than ever before.

[Lowrider93]

Excellent points Fol, it really sunk in for me.

Heartbroken, after my first marriage I beat myself

to a pulp, blaming myself for everything that went

wrong, although I wasn't sure what went wrong,

I still was hard on myself.

Fact is we were just too young and we just didn't

have the time to experience life on our own.

 

Don't beat yourself up for something you had

very little control over.

 

You want to experience unconditional love then

get yourself a puppy, or at least go volunteer

at an animal shelter. That's real love!

 

Peace to you

[Blanco]

You were with him for six months. Please stop overlooking that. You're evaluating the relationship and him on what is almost always the best part of a relationship: The honeymoon period.

[HiCrunchy]

You were with him for six months. Please stop overlooking that. You're evaluating the relationship and him on what is almost always the best part of a relationship: The honeymoon period.

 

To be fair some people have horrible relationships and incompatibility issues that they drag on for years and these relationships are seen as more valid because of the length, so I would take the length of the relationship with a grain of salt.

[Blanco]

And again, it sounds like he ended the relationship as cleanly and gently as he could. He was not cruel, antagonistic, or unclear.

 

I really am sorry that you feel so low, yet that doesn't change that you are really wallowing in this self-inflicted status of victimhood. Things cannot possibly improve if you continue to view the world as something that is against you.

[Blanco]

To be fair some people have horrible relationships and incompatibility issues that they drag on for years and these relationships are seen as more valid because of the length, so I would take the length of the relationship with a grain of salt.

 

A relationship where you love the person, but they do not love you is not a good relationship.

[HiCrunchy]

Right, my point is that length and investment aren't the same thing. She had really strong feelings for this person, so minimizing her hurt because "it just six months", isn't fair.

Edited January 20, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Right, my point is that length and investment aren't the same thing. She had really strong feelings for this person, so minimizing her hurt because "it just six months", isn't fair.

 

I see what you're saying, but it's been over a year. It's not typical to be this messed up over it after that length of time. There's something else going on here.

[Blanco]

Right, my point is that length and investment aren't the same thing. She had really strong feelings for this person, so minimizing her hurt because "it just six months", isn't fair.

 

Maybe read the read of the post past just the first sentence. She's hung up on this idealized version of him and their relationship and it's based on what is traditionally a time in a relationship of excitement, energy, and mostly great vibes. It's not invalid, but it's also not entirely accurate.

 

You get a much better sense of compatibility when you're past the new relationship energy and still very much into each other. It sounds like this wasn't the case for the guy, so he opted out. In that case, it's important to stay mindful that a relationship where someone does not love us can't logically be a truly good, healthy relationship.

 

As I've said a few times, I think this guy is more a symptom of the OP's true problems rather than the true problem.

[Beachead]

It isn't as great as we think it is OP.

 

People are unhappily married and unhappy in longterm relationships all the time. Abusing one another. People who cheat on one another after being married for numerous years. Divorce. Separation. Just look at LS forums. An ex of mine once told me all the crap she saw going on in the place she was studying medicine at. One story about this seemingly happily married man who 2 children. He came to the island to study. Turned out he was gay but never told his family or her. Ended up cheating on his wife numerous times with men there. She didn't know. They had children together OP. People cheated all the time on that island. Another story; this girl who lived in Australia had a sick boyfriend who was bedridden. Well she had needs that weren't being met because of this guy and his condition, so she cheated on him. I know someone who met a woman whom he unfortunately got married to because he discovered she had serious issues. She stalked him. Verbally harrassed him. It put him into depression for 2 years. Finally divorced her. Another marriage that failed after 6 years because both people didn't have their financial situation in order. They have a daughter and now she's suffering because of it. Neither father or mother can even afford to take care of her the way she needs.

 

It truly sucked the essence of what a relationship was out of me. Made me feel like the single life was simpler.

 

There's a lot of messed up people hiding in the world just waiting for some innocent, unsuspecting person to get into a relationship with. Someone they can use and abuse. What do you think is going to happen to you if your worth is pinned on the love of someone else? You may end up meeting someone like this and you will settle and tolerate h*ll because you don't care about yourself to walk away so you'll take it and keep trying harder to please them. That thought of "What if I'm not good enough" will be what drives it because you don't think you deserve anything better or can get better. In your mind, you would feel like you owe that person for giving you the time of day and there would be no life outside of this person because you made them your life. They'll destroy you.

 

Caring for yourself and making sure you have a life that stands on it's own apart from a relationship is your insurance so that if things go wrong..you don't lose everything.

 

Get back up and fight for yourself.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Beachead

[unit1]

Do u feel pride or adore yourself for at least ONE thing?

Do u like or adore ONEthing besides your ex?

 

Start from there,

u will slowly find a momentum....

that's called "self therapy"

 

u can also find self therapy book from amazon.com

 

mostly u need "energy healing" or "holistic healing"

just a normal counselor can't help you.

u was too deeply into that ocean of that relationship,

your "energy" and the "chakras" r blocked,

that is why u want to /feel like suicidal.

 

only when your chakras r balanced/healed,

u can find new breath/new feeling towards life or everything.

 

u r not alone, ....

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I seem to feel better when I convince myself he will realise he lost a good person one of these days and make contact.

 

When I think about this never happening, I can't cope and I begin to feel suicidal.

 

I've been using a dating app to talk to other men. Nobody does or will compare. Really losing the will to live, i'm so sad this has happened to me. I'm wondering around in a cloud of depression constantly.

[Blanco]

Get off the dating apps and call a suicide hotline. No man is worth wanting do die over.

 

The problem is that you've given him complete control over your own life. Your entire will to live is tied to whether or not he thinks he lost a good woman. That's a problem. You need to finally believe in yourself and know he lost a good woman.

 

I've said it already, but maybe it bears repeating: You can break up with someone and still believe they're a high-quality person. I've done it myself. I've had it done to me.

 

You have this naive, binary way of viewing romantic relationships and it's adding to this malaise you find yourself feeling.

[CantTakeMySmile]

You can break up with someone and still believe they're a high-quality person.

 

 

^^^^This is right on! Not every break up is about a person's faults. Some couples are just not compatible. And sometimes people fall out of love. As hard as that is, it is just a fact of life. You can't make someone fall in love with you.

 

 

A breakup is not a reflection of your worth.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You can break up with someone and still believe they're a high-quality person.

 

 

^^^^This is right on! Not every break up is about a person's faults. Some couples are just not compatible. And sometimes people fall out of love. As hard as that is, it is just a fact of life. You can't make someone fall in love with you.

 

 

A breakup is not a reflection of your worth.

 

I'm gonna third this. I can think of at least 3 people I've ended relationships with, and they are all high quality people in my opinion. It doesn't mean I HAVE to stay in a romantic relationship with them for the rest of my life, though.

[BaileyB]

Please, don't think about dating anyone else until you are able to get yourself to a healthy place. Get off the dating apps and go talk to your doctor/counsellor/suicide hotline.

 

The answer to your problems will not be found in another relationship. It was not found in the first relationship, although you thought for a while that he would have the ability to lift you from your depression and make your life better.

 

The truth is, delivering you from your depression and bringing you happiness is too much responsibility to place on any person. Any relationship you enter now will have the same result, and leave you feeling even worse. You should not be dating anyone until you are healthy and happy yourself.