Blanco Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 He didn't love you. One-sided love is no good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted February 18, 2018 Author Share Posted February 18, 2018 I'd rather die than be in this position. I feel cheated. That my life and future has been taken away. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 I'd rather die than be in this position. I feel cheated. That my life and future has been taken away. Do you realize that this isn't a normal reaction? I don't know how to say that nicely through the internet, but I am saying it with concern. Your reaction to this breakup is not normal. You need help for it. That is, if you want to feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted February 18, 2018 Author Share Posted February 18, 2018 I do realise, I've asked for help. Medication, Thearpy, done it all. It still doesn't stop me thinking about it. I feel so unloved and unwanted all the time. I need to feel validated by him it seems, if not him, by somebody better, which I doubt even exists. I feel like I haven't got a place in the world and that i'm excluded without a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 My sister's husband went thru depression many years of his life, all kinds of meds, numerous hospitalizations and you know what finally worked for him was electrotherapy. A 15 minute visit to drs office every couple of months. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 I do realise, I've asked for help. Medication, Thearpy, done it all. It still doesn't stop me thinking about it. I feel so unloved and unwanted all the time. I need to feel validated by him it seems, if not him, by somebody better, which I doubt even exists. I feel like I haven't got a place in the world and that i'm excluded without a partner. Are you STILL doing therapy? How long did you do it? It's not something you just do a few times and expect it to "fix" you. Specifically you should be in therapy for your expectation that you need someone else in your life to validate your existence (or even that you want to put that pressure and responsibility on someone else, which isn't fair to them at all). Yes or no question: Does this man deserve all this power over your life you have given him? If yes, why? What's so amazing about this one human being that nobody else on earth has going for them? So much of what you say seems to be coming from a place of fatigue.....which is of course a huge symptom of your depression. It sounds like since you thought he was "the one" you just don't want to put the work in anymore to find someone more suitable for you. Maybe you even feel you shouldn't have to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 (edited) I do realise, I've asked for help. Medication, Thearpy, done it all. It still doesn't stop me thinking about it. I feel so unloved and unwanted all the time. I need to feel validated by him it seems, if not him, by somebody better, which I doubt even exists. I feel like I haven't got a place in the world and that i'm excluded without a partner. If one therapist didn't work, you try another one and you keep going until you find one that you're comfortable with. You need it and you should not give up on it. Look at the lack of love for yourself in posts previous to this one OP. In summary this is what you basically said: You feel like a failure and would rather die because this man stole your future and life way from you by leaving You don't care about this guy either. You only care about him becaues of what he can do for you which is fill whatever void is in you and give you what YOU want. It's unintentionally selfish. Because you are looking for him to complete you when he has a right to his own life, his own choices and to be happy as well. You don't care about that. Caring about someone is seeing that other side the coin and understanding it..even if it hurts. Again, to reiterate, you need some help to work on your mind. If you truly want to get better, you can't quit on yourself. Edited February 18, 2018 by Beachead 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 I'd rather die than be in this position. I feel cheated. That my life and future has been taken away. I do realise, I've asked for help. Medication, Thearpy, done it all. It still doesn't stop me thinking about it. I feel so unloved and unwanted all the time. I need to feel validated by him it seems, if not him, by somebody better, which I doubt even exists. I feel like I haven't got a place in the world and that i'm excluded without a partner. Holy passive voice, Batman! You make it sound like you're a helpless creature with no self-determination or agency. You need a partner to feel like you belong in the world? No wonder therapy hasn't worked for you; you're still unable to accept that you are the ultimate arbiter of your own happiness. He isn't coming back. He doesn't need to come back. You, yourself, are enough, and the world knows that. No one thinks you're inadequate except you. This reminds me of some of the best, most universal pieces of advice I've ever heard on LS: "this all ends when you say it does." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Holy passive voice, Batman! You make it sound like you're a helpless creature with no self-determination or agency. You need a partner to feel like you belong in the world? No wonder therapy hasn't worked for you; you're still unable to accept that you are the ultimate arbiter of your own happiness. He isn't coming back. He doesn't need to come back. You, yourself, are enough, and the world knows that. No one thinks you're inadequate except you. This reminds me of some of the best, most universal pieces of advice I've ever heard on LS: "this all ends when you say it does." I think this whole thing is a "pride" problem. It's hard to express in words since most people think of "pride" as being prideful/boastful. But it is actually so much more than that. It's ego as a whole, entitlement, not wanting to feel inferior, insecurity.....it all goes back to pride. This is not about her missing this particular man. The time has long passed for that. It's her wounded pride and entitlement (all her friends have boyfriends so why doesn't she) that are the main issues here. This man could be any one of a thousand men.....the part that she can't deal with is that he didn't want to be with her. And now she has to put in the effort to go back to the drawing board, which she, for whatever reason, doesn't feel like she should have to do. (Entitlement) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 I think most of us have figured out a while ago that this isn't about the guy. OP is basically hopeless until she realizes/accepts this truth. Part of me thinks deep down, she knows this is a more deeply rooted issue that will take a ton of work to overcome, so it's easier to just pretend this is all about a specific guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
donotmicrowave Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 (edited) ..Till I hit rock bottom. I guess this might also necessary here. I had a complete meltdown where I blacked out, threw up, the whole deal. I'd been suicidal for months, was so close, and hitting rock bottom probably saved me. When you hit it, you can only go up. I'm gonna say it as it is, you are being very dramatic. "I'm sad, my life has been ruined, I have it bad, me me me". This is not about the one guy, he was just an escape, a cute tiny bandaid. It's time to face your reality now. He's gone. And that is okay, you were not born needing him. We have all lost that one person we love so dearly, we all survive it. Time to take hold of your life. You have so much. A roof over your head, this online forum with so many helpful folks around. You have SO much. Do NOT rely on one man, you are so much better than that. Help the ones around you, pick up new hobbies, go out to the nature, eat healthy, cook for yourself, whatever it takes. Start noticing what you have. I am so mad at myself for dwelling and moping around like this in the past. So very mad, I'm young and I was wasting my life. People don't know how to be around the ones who act like that. Which is most likely why you haven't had a long relationship or much luck with dating. Edited February 19, 2018 by donotmicrowave 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 Its almost like I know what I should be doing, but I don't have the energy or care. Its like my ex confirmed to me that i'm no good... and now i'm walking around thinking Whats the point? I was heartbroken before him because I was single. I actually felt heartbroken and like a failure because of that fact. Then it felt like he'd/was going to save me. I finally thought I had happiness on the horizon. It felt like a miracle when we were good. Now he is gone. It consumes my thoughts, memories of what was and what could of been. I'll be out and about feeling overwhelmed, wishing I could just 'get out' easily from this sad life I lead. I've had therapy for 6 months or so but at the end of the day, its clearly not helping. I feel like a lost cause. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Its almost like I know what I should be doing, but I don't have the energy or care. Its like my ex confirmed to me that i'm no good... and now i'm walking around thinking Whats the point? I was heartbroken before him because I was single. I actually felt heartbroken and like a failure because of that fact. Then it felt like he'd/was going to save me. I finally thought I had happiness on the horizon. It felt like a miracle when we were good. Now he is gone. It consumes my thoughts, memories of what was and what could of been. I'll be out and about feeling overwhelmed, wishing I could just 'get out' easily from this sad life I lead. I've had therapy for 6 months or so but at the end of the day, its clearly not helping. I feel like a lost cause. You are depressed. Probably clinically depressed since you said you were feeling this way before you met him. See a psychiatrist and get on proper medication so you can think more clearly. Just force yourself to do it. You have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 (edited) Its almost like I know what I should be doing, but I don't have the energy or care. Its like my ex confirmed to me that i'm no good... and now i'm walking around thinking Whats the point? I was heartbroken before him because I was single. I actually felt heartbroken and like a failure because of that fact. Then it felt like he'd/was going to save me. I finally thought I had happiness on the horizon. It felt like a miracle when we were good. Now he is gone. It consumes my thoughts, memories of what was and what could of been. I'll be out and about feeling overwhelmed, wishing I could just 'get out' easily from this sad life I lead. I've had therapy for 6 months or so but at the end of the day, its clearly not helping. I feel like a lost cause. Exactly OP. You didn't really care about him so much as you cared about what he could do for you. You used the relationship as a rescue boat. Relationships should be a beautifully added bonus in your life but it should never be used as a way to save yourself. Those are the wrong reasons for being in a relationship. In order to be okay in your life, you're going to have to learn how to be okay single. You're going to have to learn how to become self fulfilled. Don't say you can't. Don't make excuses. Show yourself that you give a damn about you. Do that, and your life will change. You also need a new therapist. Continue to shop around. You truly need this for yourself. Edited February 19, 2018 by Beachead 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Relationships should be a beautifully added bonus in your life but it should never be used as a way to save yourself. Those are the wrong reasons for being in a relationship. Right. And this could be a big clue why you haven't had a relationship work out yet. Men are drawn to confident women who can take care of themselves emotionally. I wonder if any of your past boyfriends have told you that you are too needy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 (edited) Right. And this could be a big clue why you haven't had a relationship work out yet. Men are drawn to confident women who can take care of themselves emotionally. I wonder if any of your past boyfriends have told you that you are too needy. I can say for myself that it doesn't bother me if a woman has damage and struggles with a few things. I'll take her on. But what I absolutely need from her is to at the very least be willing to help herself. I can't stress how important that is. There isn't much I can do for her and for anyone in general if they are not willing to help themselves. Nobody can help them but them. All I can do is support and add to her own personal support. I could wrap my arms around her and hold her, say sweet thing to her. I could give her my best advice when she down. I could try to take her attention away from her problems. I could buy her something nice or treat her to something. She may feel loved and cherished in the moment but the very next day, she'll wake up and wind up right back in the same mood. She will never really be happy and no matter what I do, it won't make a difference. I have been with girls like that and let me tell you, it's exhausting. Over time, it wears on loved ones. Ergo, why I preach learning how to take care of yourself before you get into something with someone else. Learning how to be self-fulfilled. So that something like that won't happen. You don't have to be perfect. By all means, everyone has problems and weaknesses. But at the very least, emotionally self-sufficient. Otherwise this kind of attitude carries into relationships and kills it. Edited February 19, 2018 by Beachead 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Right. And this could be a big clue why you haven't had a relationship work out yet. Men are drawn to confident women who can take care of themselves emotionally. I wonder if any of your past boyfriends have told you that you are too needy. If I remember, op hasn't had any boyfriends other than one over 5 years ago. I can see why she is in so much pain. Its not like she had another distraction of a new person a few months later like most people do, that help them move on. Its hard to move on when your in her situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 That is not the real problem, though. She would still feel this empty if she cycled through a new guy every six months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 6, 2018 Author Share Posted March 6, 2018 I still pine everyday. I still hurt everyday. I can't visit places I've been with him... a friend suggested going out somewhere I had once been with him and I cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of memories when I'm there. She doesn't know that's the reason... She thinks I should be over it and scolds me (softly) when I mention my hurt. I feel like my life has been ruined by this. I Don't think I'll ever really be the same tbh. Why couldn't I have been loved. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 You are loved, by your friends, and your family... unfortunately just not this man and most importantly, you don't love yourself. Kindly, these feelings will change when you decide that you have had enough pain. YOU, are the source of this pain. I hope that someday you decide to make a different choice. I hope you have a good day. Whether you do or not, it's entirely up to you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 (edited) I still pine everyday. I still hurt everyday. I can't visit places I've been with him... a friend suggested going out somewhere I had once been with him and I cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of memories when I'm there. She doesn't know that's the reason... She thinks I should be over it and scolds me (softly) when I mention my hurt. I feel like my life has been ruined by this. I Don't think I'll ever really be the same tbh. Why couldn't I have been loved. Your friend cares about you which is why they are suggesting this. If I were you, I'd go out with the friend and face your pain head on. - B Edited March 6, 2018 by Beachead 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 I still pine everyday. I still hurt everyday. I can't visit places I've been with him... a friend suggested going out somewhere I had once been with him and I cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of memories when I'm there. She doesn't know that's the reason... She thinks I should be over it and scolds me (softly) when I mention my hurt. I feel like my life has been ruined by this. I Don't think I'll ever really be the same tbh. Why couldn't I have been loved. Poor girl. I feel so bad for you. I remember hurting like this in the past and experiencing the same thing. My friends wanted to shake me. Not anymore. I'm an old hardened crow now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 I still pine everyday. I still hurt everyday. I can't visit places I've been with him... a friend suggested going out somewhere I had once been with him and I cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of memories when I'm there. She doesn't know that's the reason... She thinks I should be over it and scolds me (softly) when I mention my hurt. I feel like my life has been ruined by this. I Don't think I'll ever really be the same tbh. Why couldn't I have been loved. My guess is that the answer to your question that I bolded (last sentence) is found in fguring out the reason for your first statement (that I also bolded). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 6, 2018 Author Share Posted March 6, 2018 You are loved, by your friends, and your family... unfortunately just not this man and most importantly, you don't love yourself. I feel like if I were a 'catch', then I wouldn't be here. I could have the man I wanted. I feel like my worth IS not alot since he can't see it. And I gave him love. He doesn't care about me, he knows nothing about me anymore and hasn't for months. The fact that I haven't loved this way before, and I wasn't good enough, just continues to destroy me. I'm a very sad person and I don't see a good future. It feels i'm not good enough for it. For some reason, i'm not enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 About a year after I graduated from grad school my BF who I met in grad school dumped me. We both had good jobs. I was tall, thin, smart, funny, good in bed & made my own money. Yet this guy broke up with me & broke my heart. I didn't even see it coming & I did everything wrong post break up -- begging, crying, letting it effect my work etc. The fact that this one guy didn't see me as a "catch" as you put it, doesn't mean I wasn't one or that I had no value. I'm am truly sorry that this guy hurt you but you have to start loving yourself. When you do that, you will heal. Please stop thinking his opinion has any value. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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