Foxy Knoxy Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Also, OP, I believe you said all your friends are married and/or getting married ... Half of them will end up divorced anyways, many with kids to share. Marriage can be wonderful but it doesn't fulfill everyone, only works half the time, and even when it works it's not a magical walk in the park. Enjoy being young and single for now! When you heal you will be amazed that at one time you were depressed over this guy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Also, OP, I believe you said all your friends are married and/or getting married ... Half of them will end up divorced anyways, many with kids to share. Marriage can be wonderful but it doesn't fulfill everyone, only works half the time, and even when it works it's not a magical walk in the park. Enjoy being young and single for now! When you heal you will be amazed that at one time you were depressed over this guy Yep statistically at least half of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Heartbroken, what happened to cause the breakup of your relationship you were in before this guy? How long did it take you to get over him and how long were you two a couple? Pretty much mirrored this last one. He lost interest. It wasn't long enough. I didn't do anything wrong. I was heartbroken but I don't think as much as I am this time round. I was young and hadn't felt quite as much rejection so I bounced back after about two years. Then came the 5 years single, thats what really ground down my confidence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 (edited) You know OP, when me and my ex broke up last summer, everything in the city reminded me of her. Roads, intersections, stores, parks, restaurants..my own street. She was only a 10 minute drive away from me. I cried..a lot. But being forced to live within all those triggers, I ended up getting used to all of them and then I eventually started to get over it. Now after 7 months, the power all those places had over me is reduced to practically nothing. Yes it still triggers a memory or a feeling at times, but it doesn't cripple me anymore. I strongly suggest you take your friend's help and go to all those places that remind you of him. So what if it hurts. Face your feelings and let it hurt. You're only giving it more and more power over you by avoiding it. - Beach Edited March 7, 2018 by Beachead 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 It's understandable to avoid certain spots that remind you of a person who's no longer in your life. I think, though, that after a certain point, it's healthy to face these places and maybe reclaim them as your own. Create new, fresh associations with them. It's not easy, and it can be scary at first. But I don't think it's necessarily a smart plan to never again visit places just because you went there with an ex. OP, you really need to release this idea of loving him. He's been out of your life for well over a year. You don't even know who he is now. You "love" a memory. Of course you can't move on if you're convinced you still love this guy. But look, he didn't love you. That's not me being a jerk, that's me stating a truth. And unrequited love is not something to be proud of or cling on to. Unrequited love can never be healthy. This is not healthy. You have let one person, someone who was in your life for two seasons, basically throw your life into a tailspin. When do you say "enough" and reclaim your life and finally let this rest? How many more months and years do you want to cycle through the same thoughts? Because I'll tell you: This will go on as long as you permit it to. You are not powerless. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 But my question is, and always has been... why didn't he love me? Just reading that has got me all upset. I know you're probably just stating a fact. But I can't handle it. I'm incredibly anxious and tearful today. It goes on until somebody better comes along. If they were to. Link to post Share on other sites
goldengirl11 Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 But my question is, and always has been... why didn't he love me? Just reading that has got me all upset. I know you're probably just stating a fact. But I can't handle it. I'm incredibly anxious and tearful today. It goes on until somebody better comes along. If they were to. I'm sorry to hear that, OP. I'm in a very similar boat too and it can hurt A LOT when other posters are ruthlessly blunt - which is their way of helping us to see things as they are. At the end of the day though, it is only their personal opinion and they don't truly know us or our situations. All the best!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 Its ok. Thinking about it, if I was a man. I wouldn't find me attractive or love me either. It just really hurts to have it sort of 'confirmed' by my ex. The tears this morning just wouldn't stop. This whole situation of me missing him whilst he doesn't even think about me. The fact that I feel trapped over my apperance... I want more surgery but i'm too depressed over this situation to work more to afford it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Heartbrokenandhurt It's a catch 22. Nobody else will ever find you attractive until you learn to love & value yourself. You need to work on your self esteem. When you stop with the pity party & stop thinking that your worth is defined externally, other people will be better able to see how wonderful you are. For now, you are a fixer up project . . . a wounded bird & those are not attractive to most healthy people. I can see what a good person you are & it breaks my heart for you that you can't. I'm not trying to be mean but I do have a blunt communications style. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I'm incredibly anxious and tearful today. I hope you have a better day today. Do something that you enjoy, that brings you joy. Feel better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 But my question is, and always has been... why didn't he love me? Just reading that has got me all upset. I know you're probably just stating a fact. But I can't handle it. I'm incredibly anxious and tearful today. It goes on until somebody better comes along. If they were to. You, unfortunately, won't ever get an answer to this that will satisfy you. Even if you knew, it wouldn't be enough to heal you. You will only heal if you get to a place and accept that he just doesn't, for whatever reason, and that's OK. Not everyone is going to love you. And that's OK. Since we don't know him, and we don't really know you, we can't answer this question either. But, I will hazard a guess that perhaps he was catching on to the fact that you were putting your entire self-worth and self-esteem (and perhaps reason for existence) into him and it was too much of a responsibility for him to want to deal with. It's not really fair or healthy to put all that on another person. You have to find some worth in yourself so that you can be a good partner for someone else. I hope today is a better day <3. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 (edited) But my question is, and always has been... why didn't he love me? Just reading that has got me all upset. I know you're probably just stating a fact. But I can't handle it. I'm incredibly anxious and tearful today. It goes on until somebody better comes along. If they were to. It's not your looks OP And I know that without even having to see you because you've had 2 boyfriends and have dated many guys. Guys find you physically attractive. You sell it short. It's 2 things: 1. External factors that you have no control over. A) Modern Society. We have dating apps that regularily commoditize human beings. It's a place where people practice judging a book by it's cover on a day to day basis. Looks are prioritized over accomplishments/personality. This was something that was born from modern society where everything is fast paced and people barely have time to cultivate a meaningful relationship anymore because it's work work work. Jobs are impermanent, education is life-long, people are underpaid, and cost of living is high so people have to constantly relocate to continue surviving and thriving. A functioning relationship can quickly turn into a tension filled long-distance one. The fast paced life puts pressure on relationships (Familial, Romantic, Platonic) and really impacts the way we socialize and interact with eachother. Changes things in regards to what we expect of our partners and what we want from them. B) Then there's Family structure; where both parents have to work so they have no time to love or raise their kids as well as they're capable of doing because they're tired when they come home. Most of the life is spent in the office. Leads to higher divorce, separation rates. All this affects children who grow up to become adults and carry their upbringing into their adult lives which affect their relationships. C) Social Media, Celebrity Culture, Movies/Tv Shows, the news etc. That's constant bombardment of the idea of how marriages, relationships and love are all supposed to be. People who constantly showcase their BEST and hide their WORST and get you comparing your life to theirs even though it's a false representation. This guy is affected by some of this and some of it impacted his decision and it's out of your control. 2. Your attitude. Edited March 8, 2018 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxy Knoxy Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 But my question is, and always has been... why didn't he love me? Not everybody is going to love you. That doesn't mean there is ANYTHING wrong with you. Think about the nice, attractive, funny, intelligent guys you've known in your life ... were you in love with all of them? Even though there was nothing wrong with any of them, there is just this innate feeling of love that can't be forced. Maybe he WAS in love with you and for one reason or another stopped. I know it hurts hell. Trust me, I know. I'd rather someone not love me at all than love me and change his mind. Also, maybe he STILL loves you, but there are circumstances that made him see this was not the right relationship for him. Maybe you had different goals, different values, maybe he just didn't want to be committed to anyone. That is very common. It hurts, but it happens. Most importantly, why he left DOESN'T matter. You have so much to look forward to if you allow yourself. Please see this 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 (edited) Maybe he WAS in love with you and for one reason or another stopped. I know it hurts hell. Trust me, I know. I'd rather someone not love me at all than love me and change his mind. Also, maybe he STILL loves you, but there are circumstances that made him see this was not the right relationship for him. Maybe you had different goals, different values, maybe he just didn't want to be committed to anyone. That is very common. It hurts, but it happens. Most importantly, why he left DOESN'T matter. You have so much to look forward to if you allow yourself. Please see this Yes. Don't make assumptions to why he left! You don't know what is going on in his mind. Like I have said in the past, he may very well still love and care about you, but for whatever reason being in a relationship with you isn't (in at least his opinion) in your or his best interest. Just because he left doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But you are confusing romantic affection with love. True love doesn't have these conditions that you are putting on it. And when you learn to love him and wish him the best without expecting him to have to love you (in a romantic way), your heart will feel so much lighter I promise you. I hope your day was better dear. Edited March 9, 2018 by HiCrunchy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 9, 2018 Author Share Posted March 9, 2018 I can confirm he did not love me. I know this based on the last moments I had with him. He was cold, acted flippant and uninterested. It was incredibly hurtful. He had asked me to meet for a catch up months after breaking up and thats how he acted from start to finish. He also cut the meeting short. I told him after that I was going NC and i've never heard from him since. Although he said if I ever want to chat to him I can. I declined. To this day I don't know or understand why he asked to meet up to treat me like that. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 I can confirm he did not love me. I know this based on the last moments I had with him. He was cold, acted flippant and uninterested. It was incredibly hurtful. He had asked me to meet for a catch up months after breaking up and thats how he acted from start to finish. He also cut the meeting short. I told him after that I was going NC and i've never heard from him since. Although he said if I ever want to chat to him I can. I declined. To this day I don't know or understand why he asked to meet up to treat me like that. Yeah, that wasn't cool at all. He sounds like a jerk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dodevu Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 My ex was cold as anything but I have no doubts she loved me when we were together, I guess it’s just normal once they switch off it’s done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 9, 2018 Author Share Posted March 9, 2018 A therapist I saw last year suggested I had PTSD from the breakup. I do find each and every day difficult to get through. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 A therapist I saw last year suggested I had PTSD from the breakup. I do find each and every day difficult to get through. Hmmm. Do you feel like your breakup was extraordinary compared to other people's breakups? Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 (edited) Hmmm. Do you feel like your breakup was extraordinary compared to other people's breakups? I think that people process pain and loss differently. The reason OP is feelings loss is because she hasn't found the proper coping mechanisms for this particular pain. Most people will pick a coping mechanism in order to move on because otherwise you end up like the op, ruminating in your pain and it becomes overwhelming. Or you distance yourself enough from the situation where you forget about it. This is why people preach no contact here. And if you are like the op that is in no contact, the person might as well have passed away in her world. If you think of it that way, it is a huge loss. No one would tell someone that was grieving a death of someone they care about not the grieve the loss. The issue is she continues to grieve in a way that isn't healthy. For most people no contact makes them forget, but when the loss is so great, and you ruminate, it becomes so ingrained that you can't stop thinking about it. Other people on this thread have offered her their own coping mechanisms. It is completely possible for someone to suffer ptsd from this break up. Lack of coping mechanisms + lack of potential partners + terrible self esteem= pain. Edited March 9, 2018 by HiCrunchy Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 A therapist I saw last year suggested I had PTSD from the breakup. I do find each and every day difficult to get through. When my mother passed away, my therapist suggested to me that I not replay the trauma of her illness and her passing in my mind. There is a thought that continuing to play these "mind movies" over and over will actually change your brain such that these thoughts/memories get hard wired in your mind and essentially create the experience of PTSD. Do you think this could be contributing to your difficulties? Is it possible that your obsession with this man, your constant replaying the negative memories of the breakup, and asking questions like "Why doesn't he love me?" and "I must be unloveable" have actually caused you to have some form of PTSD? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 When my mother passed away, my therapist suggested to me that I not replay the trauma of her illness and her passing in my mind. There is a thought that continuing to play these "mind movies" over and over will actually change your brain such that these thoughts/memories get hard wired in your mind and essentially create the experience of PTSD. Do you think this could be contributing to your difficulties? Is it possible that your obsession with this man, your constant replaying the negative memories of the breakup, and asking questions like "Why doesn't he love me?" and "I must be unloveable" have actually caused you to have some form of PTSD? Bingo. I get "triggered" (no pun intended) by people throwing around the term PTSD (as well as narcissism), and it makes a lot more sense to me to think of it how you just said it rather than "I got PTSD from a breakup" or "I have PTSD from being raised to believe that God is real" (this is something happening in my real life, not on this thread ) or "I have PTSD from playing hockey" (also in my real life). This term is starting to apply to every single thing that "triggers" or "traumatizes" or "wounds" someone. I've said that I feel like my exH and I gave each other PTSD from all of the awful things we said to each other during our breakups (plural), but I don't ACTUALLY think we have PTSD....I do get "triggered," however, when I feel betrayed..... Life comes with huge piles of poop sometimes. It's not gonna be easy and we just need to learn to heal and move on. Always. ETA: Bailey, if you have any links regarding what you just said (that I bolded) I would love to see them if you could PM them to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 I don't have links, it's just something that was said and it resonated with me. Sorry. I too believe that PTSD is very real, but I think the term gets thrown around more than it should as a convenient explaination or sometimes excuse. I will say, my mother's passing was traumatic. You want trauma OP, I'm telling you... this was it. And, I will admit that I too like to rheuminate on things and can sometimes be my own worst enemy... This experience, was simply too painful to rheuminate. I didn't reply the memories in my mind, although I certainly revisit them when I am triggered (by an anniversary, or a health scare, or hear that someone I know has been diagnosed with cancer). I think that my unwillingness to replay these memories helped me to get through the experience, the best way that I could. It just made sense to me that if I was to replay and focus on those experiences, I would essentially be "retraumatizing" myself over and over again, which would change and cement those memories in my mind. Just something to think about... As they say, change your thoughts, change your experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 It is completely possible for someone to suffer ptsd from this break up. Lack of coping mechanisms + lack of potential partners + terrible self esteem= pain. This is exactly right, exactly the mix of what I believe contribute to my state. I'm surprised nobody has anything to say on the treatment I recieved from him during our post break up meet up. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 This is exactly right, exactly the mix of what I believe contribute to my state. I'm surprised nobody has anything to say on the treatment I recieved from him during our post break up meet up. I did. I said he sounds like a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
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