Pain is overwhelming

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm not gonna preach, but if this is something OP (or anyone) is willing to embrace, I highly recommend Beth Moore's book/study called So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us.

 

 

Sounds great, CO! I haven't read the book/study but I'm familiar with Beth Moore and have been in a couple of her studies.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

But he wasn't. You're in love with whom you wanted him to be. Not with who he actually was. And who he actually was is someone who was not compatible with you which is why he left. That's neither your fault nor his. That's just what is.

 

You've dated a lot of guys since then. That tells me that you are more than capable of attracting people on an emotional and physical level. In fact, I bet you never stopped to think that one of the guys that you've dated and brushed off talked to a pal of his and was probably saying something like "She was really cute and I liked her. I don't know why she didn't call me back. Wanted it to work out."

 

You don't see yourself like that. But others do.

 

Is it not just because of me though? Would the nice gestures and effort of continued had he liked me enough?

 

Woke up this morning with the usual replaying of hurtful moments of the breakup. This is a living hell. Every. Single. Day.

I need real love to recover from this. Atm I truly don't think I can be deserving. He didn't even remember me at Christmas!!

[basil67]

Is it not just because of me though? Would the nice gestures and effort of continued had he liked me enough?

 

,<snip>

 

I need real love to recover from this. Atm I truly don't think I can be deserving. He didn't even remember me at Christmas!!

 

Yes, his gestures might have continued if you were Ms Right. But you weren't Ms Right for this guy. And back when you broke up, he clearly wasn't Mr Right for you either. I really can't understand why you're so hung up on a guy who wasn't meeting your needs.

 

You don't need someone else's love to recover from this. What you need is self worth. And this is something only you can give yourself.

 

While I wouldn't say you're not "deserving" of love, you're certainly not in a place to receive love at present. How on earth would it be fair for you to use a man's love to get over another a past heartbreak? That was a rhetorical question. It would not be fair at all. Using another man's love to recover from this would be a hateful thing for you to do. Yes, I've put it bluntly, but using a man is exactly what you're proposing.

 

And even if you do find another love what will you do when that love ends? Find yet another guy who's love you can use? Let's face it, almost all of us have many loves before we find the one. The secret to coming back after heartbreak is self worth. It's resilience. It's knowing that you're perfectly good as you are.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I didn't do anything wrong, I don't feel I deserve to cast off as 'not Ms Right'.

 

I was single for 5 long years before him. That period of time was where my self esteam issues came from. All my friends being taken out, spoiled on their birthdays, someone who loved them... I never had that. I was always the 'single one'.

 

Then I met him, I thought 'Finally all those years of suffering were because I was waiting for you!'. I hadn't felt that way about a guy before. And then... it feels like it was cruelly taken away from me. All my hopes and dreams that had felt they were going to be true, were a fluke.

 

I don't want another 5 years not feeling good enough for a decent man. I'd rather die.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is it not just because of me though? Would the nice gestures and effort of continued had he liked me enough?

 

Woke up this morning with the usual replaying of hurtful moments of the breakup. This is a living hell. Every. Single. Day.

I need real love to recover from this. Atm I truly don't think I can be deserving. He didn't even remember me at Christmas!!

 

How would it have helped if he'd "remembered" you at Christmas? You're broken up. You are falsely believing that the only way you're going to be happy for the rest of your life is if he wants you back. It's simply not true, but you are refusing to be open to the idea of believing it.

[d0nnivain]

Heartbrokenandhurt

 

I get it. You are profoundly lonely & you don't understand why what seems so effortless for others hasn't happened for you.

 

The problem is you are looking for self esteem outside of yourself. You say you want your EX to fix it. When you got together with him you thought he was the answer to your 5 year drought. You also think that being loved by somebody else will complete you. It won't.

 

The only way for you to recover from this & to find true love is to love yourself. You have to be balanced & at peace within your own soul to be whole. You have to be whole to attract the healthy lasting relationship you want.

 

Have you considered that it wasn't that you weren't good enough for him but that he left because you were too good for him?

 

It really wasn't about somebody not being good enough. It was simply about incompatibility. Think of it as a puzzle. When you put the puzzle together you have to connect the pieces that fit. You can't just put any 2 pieces together; you won't get the puzzle put together correctly.

[Beachead]

I didn't do anything wrong, I don't feel I deserve to cast off as 'not Ms Right'.

 

I was single for 5 long years before him. That period of time was where my self esteam issues came from. All my friends being taken out, spoiled on their birthdays, someone who loved them... I never had that. I was always the 'single one'.

 

Then I met him, I thought 'Finally all those years of suffering were because I was waiting for you!'. I hadn't felt that way about a guy before. And then... it feels like it was cruelly taken away from me. All my hopes and dreams that had felt they were going to be true, were a fluke.

 

I don't want another 5 years not feeling good enough for a decent man. I'd rather die.

 

So this is your second relationship. Who was the first guy? Tell me about him. How was the relationship and why did it end?

Edited December 26, 2017 by Beachead

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

It was short term again. Same scenario. He really liked me to begin with and then lost interest. Stopped doing all the nice gestures, I got upset and ended it. He wasn't that bothered, he moved on in a few months. He was more offended that he'd been dumped than upset over losing me. He told a mutual friend it 'ran its course' but it had barely any time to start!

[Beachead]

Okay. Can you do me a favor?

 

1.Tell me 4 things you like about yourself or are good at.

2.Tell me a time you helped someone.

3.Tell me something nice that someone said about you be it a friend, acquaintance, family member, boyfriend..anyone.

4. Tell me about a proud moment in your life.

 

I want to know

Edited December 26, 2017 by Beachead

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

... don't feel that will make much difference to this situation or my handling of it?

[d0nnivain]

Answering beacheads' questions will help. You can PM beachhead if you don't want to post publically but the exercise will force you to see value in yourself, separate & apart from some EX BF or any SO

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It was short term again. Same scenario. He really liked me to begin with and then lost interest. Stopped doing all the nice gestures, I got upset and ended it. He wasn't that bothered, he moved on in a few months. He was more offended that he'd been dumped than upset over losing me. He told a mutual friend it 'ran its course' but it had barely any time to start!

 

According to you. This is your perspective. A few months is plenty long to see if two people have what it takes to go the distance. I wonder how much time you think a relationship should go on/run its course in order for the other person to be valid in their reason for wanting to end it? You seem to have a unique take on relationships.....that as long as they start off well, they all should last forever if the other person isn't a total jerk. It doesn't work that way for most people, though.

[Blanco]

OP, you have given this man far too much power. He is not the key to your happiness. No one is. That you think this shows how deeply rooted your self worth issues are. That is the real issue here. The guy is merely a symptom of your real problem.

[Blanco]

One more thing to consider: People who have little to no self-worth unless they are in a relationship are great candidates to get steamrolled, manipulated, and abused by their partner. These people feel they are so unworthy of love that they are willing to forego any semblance of pride or self-respect in the name of "love."

 

I highly suggest you address and work on these issues before you concern yourself too much with finding someone, because without this critical work, you will not have a healthy relationship even if you find a man. Best of luck.

[BaileyB]

... don't feel that will make much difference to this situation or my handling of it?

 

Wow, you are really intent on being miserable, aren't you.

 

I think what was intended, was for you to begin to focus on the positives and have some gratitude for the good things in your life. In doing that, you will see that your self worth and your very life is worth more than whether you are or are not with this, or any other man...

 

But, if you are not interested then by all means, continue to wallow in your sadness and depression...

 

Look - I know how painful it is to watch your friends in relationships and how lonely it can be when you are searching for a partner. I'm sorry you are feeling down, but the truth is... You have two choices. Wallow in self pity or search for some positive and know that this too shall pass... Tomorrow is another day. It's your decision.

Edited December 26, 2017 by BaileyB

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Wow, you are really intent on being miserable, aren't you.

 

I think what was intended, was for you to begin to focus on the positives and have some gratitude for the good things in your life.

 

But, if you are not interested then by all means, continue to wallow in your sadness and depression...

 

Look - I know how painful it is to watch your friends in relationships and how lonely it can be when you are searching for a partner. I'm sorry you are feeling down, but the truth is... You have two choices. Wallow in self pity or search for some positive and know that this too shall pass... Tomorrow is another day. It's your decision.

 

I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

 

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.

[heartbrokenlady]

I feel the same way. I've decided I'm going to see the doctor after Christmas. Not easy because 1) I'm not registered there yet. 2) I live in a foreign country where I don't speak the language. But I think sadness has tipped over into clinical depression.

 

I feel the pain too. I don't think I'm worthless but I feel worthless at the moment.

[BaileyB]

I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

 

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.

 

You can complain to me and I will certainly empathize, but I won't enable your self pity because I literally waited until I was in my early 40's until I found a truly wonderful, loving relationship. Before that, it was a series of bad first dates and very short term relationships. I watched all my friends and family get married and have children while wanting nothing more for myself...

 

It didn't happen. It just wasn't meant to be. Was I sad? Of course... I was completely heartbroken and depressed at times. But, at a certain point you have to accept that there are things you control and things you don't control... you have to make your peace with that. My life changed when I decided to let it go - why was I going to let the fact that I didn't have a man in my life make me unhappy and miserable? That's not the woman that I wanted to be! Life didn't go the way that I would have planned, but I decided to be happy anyway... I built a great career, I travelled the world, I loved my family and developed close friendships, and I decided to be the best auntie ever... My life has been rich and full and wonderful.

 

And then one day, I met the most wonderful man. I feel so blessed to have him in my life because it was literally, the one thing that was missing. But, that is just it... It was the ONE thing that was missing. The rest of my life was wonderful. If he left tomorrow, I would be heartbroken but it would not break me. Because, I know that I am more, and my life is more, than any relationship with a man.

 

Darling girl, cry a little and then focus on what you want for your life in the coming year. What brings you joy? What would make you happy? What do you have to do to make your life full, and rich, and wonderful so that when he comes along... It will simply be a bonus, because you have created a life that makes you happy and proud.

Edited December 26, 2017 by BaileyB

[basil67]

I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

 

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.

 

Goodness, no wonder you're miserable. You've set yourself goals which you cannot achieve without one particular person going along for the ride. It's not sustainable to have goals which involve a single other person. Why? Because you have no say in what others do. You may as well have a goal to move the sea.

 

The goals which can be reasonably achieved are ones which rely primarily on you. Education. Exercise. Self worth. Career. Mindfulness. A new skill. Etc. The things you want come AFTER you've achieved a well rounded life.

 

It's not horribly unfair that this one guy didn't want you. This stuff happens to ALL of us. We've all wanted people who don't feel the same about us. You don't get to have privileges which are denied to the rest of us. Again, you're back to a very entitled way of thinking.

 

I say this in the kindest way possible: Your entitled way of thinking is holding you back so much. Remind yourself that you're no different to the rest of us and are not exempt from the same heartaches we all suffer.

 

What you have to do now is come up with some goals which are actually achievable on your own.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.

 

I know this is very difficult . I've had friends in the same position. One just got married this year at age 46 for the first time. She struggled for years, but she absolutely did not let it define her and instead embraced all the things she could do that others could not (for her this was being an amazing mentor to the kids she taught and counseled). Her life was full before marriage, and it will be full after marriage. (As a side note she's the most devout Christian woman I know and her worth comes from her relationship with God, not a man).

 

My sister struggled with singleness for a long time and she was also sad and bitter at times. During that same time frame, I struggled with infertility and did not always handle it with grace. I wish I could go back in time and "do better." My sister who waited so long for a husband also struggled with infertility and someone else even carried her first baby for her.

 

Life is FULL of us not getting exactly what we want when we want it or getting what we do NOT want (infidelity, sickness, divorce, death, etc.). It's totally natural to want a marriage and family. But, a MAN or a CHILD is not going to meet all the needs you think they are going to. Furthermore, it isn't fair to expect them to and you will be wasting a lot of potential good days/months/years if that's all you're waiting for. Maybe this is one reason your relationships haven't worked out....maybe these men realized you were too dependent on them for your happiness and didn't love yourself like you should.

 

I hope you take everyone's advice and work on your self worth and self esteem first.....everything else will fall into place.

[Beachead]

... don't feel that will make much difference to this situation or my handling of it?

 

The purpose is to get you to think about yourself. You haven't answered the questions. You don't have to tell any of us. You can write them down on a sheet of paper for yourself but it's something that you need to do.

 

Your self-esteem is low and so is your confidence which makes your self-worth/respect minimal and it's dangerous because it means your susceptible to accepting crappy treatment into your life. The NUMBER ONE quality you cannot afford to lose in your life is your self-respect. We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourself and the way we treat ourself depends on the way we see ourself which is governed by our thoughts.

 

As you can see, you missed out on enjoying Christmas because of a situation that happened one year ago. You have family and you get to spend time with them. That is something you should have been grateful for but you were unable to feel it because of your negative train of thought. Our mind is powerful. We can actually alter it by practice of thought..be it good or bad. When you practice negative thinking like running yourself down and seeing yourself as worthless, your mind will alter itself to follow this train of thought. Likewise, if you practice positive thinking like acknowledging your strengths and how you've helped others, you'll rewire your brain to follow that path.

 

Right now, you have exercised your brain with unhealthy thinking for one whole year so now your mind just wants to sulk and wallow because it's completely used to this way of thinking and that has manifested itself into your behavior and into your way of life.

 

This is the equivalent of eating nothing but fastfood all year and becoming extremely unhealthy. To get back to form, you'd have to treat your body well by committing regularly to healthy eating habits and workouts for several months to a year. It takes time. It's slow. It's grueling. Sometimes you slip up and jam 5 cookies into your mouth when no one's looking but if you stay on path regardless, you will see the results. The result is what will change you both physically/mentally. It gives you new perspective. Make you realize that things are possible.

 

Strengthening your mind is the same. You have to exercise it with a positive lifestyle (Keep good company, strive to learn/experience more and better yourself) and feed it good thoughts everyday. Like training the body, you will slip up and fall back to old patterns of thinking but you will have to catch yourself and correct it and continue until the desired behavior becomes a part of who you are. Once you see the result..it'll change you OP. Believe me.

 

You need to start by understanding this.

Edited December 26, 2017 by Beachead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Our mind is powerful. We can actually alter it by practice of thought..be it good or bad. When you practice negative thinking like running yourself down and seeing yourself as worthless, your mind will alter itself to follow this train of thought. Likewise, if you practice positive thinking like acknowledging your strengths and how you've helped others, you'll rewire your brain to follow that path.

 

 

This is so true. It is possible change the neural pathways in our brains, especially with regard to the way we think. I've done it (with therapy). But, you have to want to do it. As another poster pointed out, you seem to want to stay miserable, which to me is an indication you are really unable to think through things clearly at this point and medication could help you get there. When I've been very depressed, this has been the case. Medication can sometimes (it's not for everyone!) help you get out of that negative spiral to a place where you are thinking about things more clearly. You're your own worst enemy right now.

 

But the key question is.....do you even want to feel better?

[Beachead]

This is so true. It is possible change the neural pathways in our brains, especially with regard to the way we think. I've done it (with therapy). But, you have to want to do it. As another poster pointed out, you seem to want to stay miserable, which to me is an indication you are really unable to think through things clearly at this point and medication could help you get there. When I've been very depressed, this has been the case. Medication can sometimes (it's not for everyone!) help you get out of that negative spiral to a place where you are thinking about things more clearly. You're your own worst enemy right now.

 

But the key question is.....do you even want to feel better?

 

Exactly. And that's the problem. I believe OP does want to feel better but is being seduced by her pain. I am sure we can all appreciate how easily it can lure us into an abyss. The way it wants to keep us bedridden. The way it makes us stop eating, working out or taking care of ourself because it just drains us of our physical energy. The way it just convinces our mind to give up. Like a warm, comforting blanket to shield us from the cold except it's not a warm comforting blanket..it's death.

 

Grieving is something that needs to happen and we should allow ourself to feel the pain but it's easy to get lost in the abyss. Too easy. That's why knowing who we are, knowing what we've been through and accomplished. Who we've helped. What we bring to the table...is so important. This is what will keep us from becoming lost. And the more we invest in ourself spiritually, socially, intellectually, physically, the more we arm ourself with all the tools we need to fight back. I always thought of this investment as life.

Edited December 26, 2017 by Beachead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The last man I dated is someone who truly feels that he could never be happy and fulfilled in life unless he's in a relationship/married. He's miserable when he's not in a relationship (at least a lot of the time). This is one of the reasons I do NOT want to date him. It's unattractive to me if a man is not having fun all on his own in life without needing a woman to complete him. I doubt it's much different for a lot of men.

 

If I had to choose between the one moping over not having a relationship and the one loving life and simply being open to a relationship, I'd choose the second one any day of the week.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I am reading each and every one of your posts. It is helping. But I still feel very unfullfilled. I don't want to wait till my 40s to have a serious relationship, and miss out on having a family. I already feel less than friends etc because I can't keep a boyfriend. Can you tell me honestly, why do you think your friends who were so single, single for so long? Were they not attractive enough?

 

Even just checking my phone makes me feel rejected. Its like i'm waiting/hoping for a message that will never come.