Pain is overwhelming

[Beachead]

Aw I hate to hear of others suffering like I am. Its a living hell that you don't know if or when will end. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

 

I seem to have days where I am ok. Even have hope. That one day things will be good.

 

Then, I wake up one day... thinking about him, memories, the break up and I don't want to go on. In those times I can get suicidal to the point of thinking, 'If I just get it over with, i'll be out of pain.'

 

A mutual friend told me that he is out, enjoying his life, doing things he never did with me. Whilst I, feel i'm serving a prison sentance, for just not being enough for him.

 

If I could finish it easily and painlessly, i'd be gone tomorrow.

 

The fact that you said you do feel hope that things will be okay even if it's just one day out of the month tells me you're going to be okay eventually. I can confidently say that.

[d0nnivain]

A mutual friend told me that he is out, enjoying his life, doing things he never did with me. Whilst I, feel i'm serving a prison sentance, for just not being enough for him.

 

If I could finish it easily and painlessly, i'd be gone tomorrow.

 

 

So be enough for yourself.

 

 

Do not adopt a permanent solution (death) to fix a temporary problem (heartache).

 

 

Fix the situation. Do things to make yourself happy.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

With all due respect, this does not feel temporary. Its been very long term, all the time.

 

I believe the only cure would be for him to show me i'm not so horrible afterall... or for somebody just like him to share a mutual love, and I believe finding even that will bring chronic insecurity and doubt after what i've gone through twice. Love has only meant pain for me.

[BaileyB]

 

A mutual friend told me that he is out, enjoying his life, doing things he never did with me. Whilst I, feel i'm serving a prison sentance, for just not being enough for him.

 

The better question is, why are you not doing the same thing?

 

You have imposed this prison sentence on yourself. And, the only person with the key to the prison door is yourself.

 

One more quote that meant something to me yesterday,me cause I was feeling defeated by life. From Maya Angelou, "In your life, you will experience many defeats, but you must not be defeated."

 

Talk to your doctor. Get help for your depression. And live your life, as he is living his life.

[BaileyB]

 

I believe the only cure would be for him to show me i'm not so horrible afterall... or for somebody just like him to share a mutual love, and I believe finding even that will bring chronic insecurity and doubt after what i've gone through twice.

 

With all due respect, you will not find self worth, validation, or happiness from another person!

 

It's easy to sit in your misery, waiting for someone to come along and be your knight in shining armour. It's not going to happen, darling. You will not attract the love you want into your life until you give it to yourself... until you find your own health and happiness.

 

I had a terrible day yesterday. I was in a car accident and I was quite shaken. The first person that I called was my boyfriend. After I told him what happened and assured him that I was fine, he said to me "Glad to hear it. Now, what do you need to do?"

 

Now, I was upset and all I could think was "I want you to help me" and "I really want a hug right now." I was a little upset by his response, and then I realized... "Oh yeah, I may have a boyfriend but I still need to deal with this myself. It's my life, my responsibility."

 

I was thinking about you, because I wanted my knight in shining armour to save me and he didn't. But, he shouldn't. I am a resilient person, I handled everything just fine, and it was my responsibility.

 

Having a boyfriend brings wonderful things to your life. But, it won't deliver you from the depression and unhappiness you are feeling. The sooner you understand this, the sooner you can begin to get your life together.

Edited January 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

With all due respect, you will not find self worth, validation, or happiness from another person!

 

It's easy to sit in your misery, waiting for someone to come along and be your knight in shining armour. It's not going to happen, darling. You will not attract the love you want into your life until you give it to yourself... until you find your own health and happiness.

 

I had a terrible day yesterday. I was in a car accident and I was quite shaken. The first person that I called was my boyfriend. After I told him what happened and assured him that I was fine, he said to me "Glad to hear it. Now, what do you need to do?"

 

Now, I was upset and all I could think was "I want you to help me" and "I really want a hug right now." I was a little upset by his response, and then I realized... "Oh yeah, I may have a boyfriend but I still need to deal with this myself. It's my life, my responsibility."

 

I was thinking about you, because I wanted my knight in shining armour to save me and he didn't. But, he shouldn't. I am a resilient person, I handled everything just fine, and it was my responsibility.

 

Having a boyfriend brings wonderful things to your life. But, it won't deliver you from the depression and unhappiness you are feeling. The sooner you understand this, the sooner you can begin to get your life together.

 

First, Bailey, I'm glad you are OK! Car accidents can really shake you up for a day or two even if you're not physically hurt.

 

Great analogy, though.

 

OP, until you realize that a man won't complete you, you're not going to find a man. How is that fair to a man, to put that much pressure on him to be your rescuer? It isn't. He has needs too, and most men want a confident woman who is sure of her own self worth and has interests besides him (if you find one who wants otherwise, RUN, because you will only be abused.)

 

You still haven't answered what you do for a living or engage in any kind of helpful dialogue about what we can do to get you living on your own and not under your parents' roof, waiting for your next home to be taken care of in.

 

Is there any part of you that desires independence?

[d0nnivain]

I know it doesn't feel temporary & your pain is very real. However, the feeling like it will never stop, does not make it a reality. If you work on your self esteem the pain will stop. As soon as you recognize that YOU not him are the one with the power, it will stop.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know it doesn't feel temporary & your pain is very real. However, the feeling like it will never stop, does not make it a reality. If you work on your self esteem the pain will stop. As soon as you recognize that YOU not him are the one with the power, it will stop.

 

I think this is KEY. Just because you are feeling this way, these feelings doesn't make it so, doesn't make the feelings true/valid. This is where medication could really help. It really helps to see things in a much more real way instead of catastrophizing things.

[Beachead]

Aw I hate to hear of others suffering like I am. Its a living hell that you don't know if or when will end. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

 

I seem to have days where I am ok. Even have hope. That one day things will be good.

 

Then, I wake up one day... thinking about him, memories, the break up and I don't want to go on. In those times I can get suicidal to the point of thinking, 'If I just get it over with, i'll be out of pain.

 

A mutual friend told me that he is out, enjoying his life, doing things he never did with me. Whilst I, feel i'm serving a prison sentance, for just not being enough for him.

 

If I could finish it easily and painlessly, i'd be gone tomorrow.

 

You're going to be okay because of that part. I thought you didn't feel that at all. But I'm happy you said that because it shows hope and some progress. Even if it's been a year. As Divegrl said..there is no time limit to these things. We all process things uniquely. As long as you get up and go at life day by day, all that's needed is time.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Today is a bad day. I was the one who said I was going NC and he just agreed to it. I feel so horrible, he probably doesn't even think of me ever anymore.

[BarbedFenceRider]

F- him! Forget him and others that are symbols of your loss and pain. Why give the satisfaction to fate?! It's time you start to cowboy up and get on with living life. Breaking negative cycles is actually easier to do if you know what you are looking for to begin with.

 

Don't do repetitive tasks that you did in your old "self". Try something new. Make it a New Years Resolution! Try 1 new thing, no matter how small...once a day. Stick to it. Write it down on a calendar, ie...Monday, tried an Indian restaurant for the first time today. Then, if you don't already, write a journal, explain the new situation and write about the feelings you got from it. It has to be only you. You cannot add "him" into this. It's not his journal. Its yours.

Try it for a month and re-read the journal entries to see yourself in a new light.

You can even post your experiences here in LS. I'm sure there are plenty of people here who would love to hear of new experiences and ideas to add into their own lives.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to inform the other person when you start NC. You simply stop contacting them.

 

You know you only announced it because you were hoping he'd beg you to stay in touch. He agreed because he knows you need to separate from him.

 

NC is about you healing. I know you think you can't. I know you think you will never heal. But you are wrong.

 

Since today is a bad day, what are you going to do for yourself to be nice to yourself today? Can you eat your favorite dinner? Can you go for a walk? Get a massage? Talk to an old friend? Read a good book? Seriously, you need to learn to self soothe.

 

I hope your day gets better.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

F- him! Forget him and others that are symbols of your loss and pain. Why give the satisfaction to fate?! It's time you start to cowboy up and get on with living life. Breaking negative cycles is actually easier to do if you know what you are looking for to begin with.

 

Don't do repetitive tasks that you did in your old "self". Try something new. Make it a New Years Resolution! Try 1 new thing, no matter how small...once a day. Stick to it. Write it down on a calendar, ie...Monday, tried an Indian restaurant for the first time today. Then, if you don't already, write a journal, explain the new situation and write about the feelings you got from it. It has to be only you. You cannot add "him" into this. It's not his journal. Its yours.

Try it for a month and re-read the journal entries to see yourself in a new light.

You can even post your experiences here in LS. I'm sure there are plenty of people here who would love to hear of new experiences and ideas to add into their own lives.

 

I love this idea! Not just for OP, but for myself! I need something like this for sure. Today I've already done something new. I took the garbage can to the curb in slippers with no socks, in a snow storm. How did it make me feel? Cold . All kidding aside, I do love this idea.

[HiCrunchy]

Aw I hate to hear of others suffering like I am. Its a living hell that you don't know if or when will end. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

 

I seem to have days where I am ok. Even have hope. That one day things will be good.

 

Then, I wake up one day... thinking about him, memories, the break up and I don't want to go on. In those times I can get suicidal to the point of thinking, 'If I just get it over with, i'll be out of pain.'

 

A mutual friend told me that he is out, enjoying his life, doing things he never did with me. Whilst I, feel i'm serving a prison sentance, for just not being enough for him.

 

If I could finish it easily and painlessly, i'd be gone tomorrow.

 

Yes we’re so similar. I dated mine 6 months and have been apart for 1 year and a half. Up till then I was single and didn’t think I would find someone I was attracted to physically and mentally. I pursued him, how unattractive for a woman right?

 

I am in no contact as he said we would say in touch/ be friends but he never followed through (no social media either, told my friends not to ever mention him) and did everything that people recommend to help u move on. I still cry and miss him. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and all the good times we had together, how happy I was then and how much being with me was such a burden to him. I didn’t even get a breadcrumb, that’s how much he didn’t give a ****. At least he thought about u to see if you were ok.

 

I thought about my birthday today. It is probably another day to him. How he has forgotten about me. I cried so much yesterday seeing how much time has passed and how alone I am. Knowing he is so happy that I am gone. How terrible and how much of a burden it was to be with me. How my presence was such a bother. Today is a bad day for me too.

 

Sometimes I like to think that the relationship wasn’t real. It was a big dream, something I happened to imagine one day. That I never had someone love me, because how could that be possible? The love I felt, the smiles and hugs he gave, the I love yous were something I made up. It makes it easier. The only place someone can love me is when I am asleep and dreaming. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever. And ever. Even If i made them up I miss them.

 

I don’t consider myself suicidal. But the thought crossed my mind yesterday to write a suicide note. What I would say to him if I could. What I would say to my family and friends.

 

Just like you I am tired too. So I understand just how u feel OP. You are not alone. We are both drowning in this pain. We just love too deeply.

 

I’m am sorry I can’t offer comfort. But take care of yourself.

Edited January 4, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[divegrl]

Today is a bad day. I was the one who said I was going NC and he just agreed to it. I feel so horrible, he probably doesn't even think of me ever anymore.

 

I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re going thru. You’re feelings are valid. And you have every right to feel whatever you feel, for as long as you need to.

 

You’re hurting. And that’s okay. Hugs my friend.

[Beachead]

Today is a bad day. I was the one who said I was going NC and he just agreed to it. I feel so horrible, he probably doesn't even think of me ever anymore.

 

He does think of you. It may not be a "I miss her so much I want to be with her again" kind of thought and it may be once in awhile but he does. I still think of my exes from years ago. It can happen if I drive by an area in the city where they used to live or talk to a person who reminds me of their personality or looks similar to them. I may recall a good or bad memory and it may or may not affect me. I may even wonder what they're up to now. It's always a passing thought but regardless they do cross my mind time to time.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Beachead

[stillafool]

Do you work?

Edited January 4, 2018 by stillafool

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

He does think of you. It may not be a "I miss her so much I want to be with her again" kind of thought and it may be once in awhile but he does. I still think of my exes from years ago. It can happen if I drive by an area in the city where they used to live or talk to a person who reminds me of their personality or looks similar to them. I may recall a good or bad memory and it may or may not affect me. I may even wonder what they're up to now. It's always a passing thought but regardless they do cross my mind time to time.

 

But he probably doesn't because we were only together for 6 months. And from what my friend said, hes having the time of his life without me. If he ever did miss me, i'd like to know. But he never wished me Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas or Happy New Year which all would have been opportunities to get in touch. He has my number, even if he is blocked by me on Social Media.

 

Yes I do work, its difficult with how I feel, I have to put on an act for 8 hours a day.

[stillafool]

He hasn't contacted you because he wants you to move on and heal from the relationship. He's moved on and he wants the same for you. It will be nice when you also want the same for yourself.

[Blanco]

You have convinced yourself that this guy is the only way you can feel whole again. I'll suggest that you have not felt whole and content for a very long time, even before meeting him. Six months is not very long, and it's most commonly seen as the honeymoon phase of most romantic relationships.

 

The problem is, he cut out before the honeymoon phase ended for you. That means you've been left to idealize this guy based only on who he was during the time when pretty much everyone is at their best/on their best behavior.

 

Relationships where someone is "saved" by the other are not healthy and not to be envied. Well-adjusted guys don't want to date and build a life with someone whose happiness (or unhappiness) rides entirely on them.

[Beachead]

But he probably doesn't because we were only together for 6 months. And from what my friend said, hes having the time of his life without me. If he ever did miss me, i'd like to know. But he never wished me Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas or Happy New Year which all would have been opportunities to get in touch. He has my number, even if he is blocked by me on Social Media.

 

Yes I do work, its difficult with how I feel, I have to put on an act for 8 hours a day.

 

6 months can still do wonders OP. I was with my most recent ex for only 3 and I've had so much trouble getting over her. Yes, time typically adds more experience/growth/love to a relationship but not always. Some people can be in relationships for years but not grow as people, remain distant with one another, have communication problems and eventually fail. And some fall in love within meeting eachother and remain lifelong partners while others will take years. So the duration of the relationship isn't all that relevant. It's about the quality of the relationship over the quantity.

 

I've had plenty of great days since my I break up with my ex when I was 23 and my 2nd ex when I was 28. I've been with other women. I've had fun with my friends and family. I graduated school. I entered the workforce. I've travelled. Met a lot of new people. But, despite these adventures, I did think about my exes due to the reasons I mentioned before. He does think about you.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Beachead

[HiCrunchy]

If you believe he was the one..why don't you message him and see for yourself. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves why it didn't work out one more time to truly move on.

 

Don't do it. It hurts. Hurts so much. I did it and it made me miss him even more. You will compare it to how it used to be, instead of getting the smile and connection. You will get the cold but polite treatment at best. Like if you are a stranger. Its like I was left like a ghost of who they were. It hurts much more. Don't do it.

[Blanco]

If OP reaches out to her ex, it should be with the intention of the act being what finally lets her forgive herself, release herself from this self-imposed holding pattern, and move on with her life.

 

Even though OP doesn't seem to think there's much chance of reconciliation, the fact that part of her expects to hear from her ex on occasions such as Christmas shows that she's still holding on to hope, no matter of loosely.

[Beachead]

If OP reaches out to her ex, it should be with the intention of the act being what finally lets her forgive herself, release herself from this self-imposed holding pattern, and move on with her life.

 

Even though OP doesn't seem to think there's much chance of reconciliation, the fact that part of her expects to hear from her ex on occasions such as Christmas shows that she's still holding on to hope, no matter of loosely.

 

Exactly.

 

I've done this with my second ex because I knew I was going downhill and it wasn't getting better. It had been 5 months since our breakup but everyday I thought about her, missed her, hoped to see her again, hoped to get back together again. I was in limbo, not moving on..numb. I just couldn't comprehend the reality that she was overseas studying medicine and there was just no time for a long distance relationship. She tried to tell me but I didn't want to understand because it hurt too much. It wasn't until she came home after the end of her 2nd term and didn't contact me was when I lost my sh*t because I just couldn't take it anymore. We fought. It was ugly. I thought about the fight for a month before I contacted her again. Blew up her phone and got her to phone me. Looking back, what that was was..I needed to hear her tell me she didn't love me anymore and she did. And although I cried and was in absolute pain..I felt a weight beginning to lift over the following days that passed until it was a dull ache. I started to move on after that.

 

The blow shocked me out of my state and by then, I was ready to accept the truth.

 

There isn't a specific formula for getting over a relationship. Yes NC is the routine rule but sometimes but there are exceptions. As Divegrl said, people can process things differently.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Don't do it. It hurts. Hurts so much. I did it and it made me miss him even more. You will compare it to how it used to be, instead of getting the smile and connection. You will get the cold but polite treatment at best. Like if you are a stranger. Its like I was left like a ghost of who they were. It hurts much more. Don't do it.

 

Can't tell a person to stop thinking about something. The brain doesn't work like that. And clearly the bunch of us advising her to add more activities into her life to occupy her mind is not a solution she wishes to accept at the moment so perhaps this idea needs to be considered. I agree and I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to the dry responses because I've been through that crap a lot in my life which is why I don't contact my exes after a breakup. But OP is not me or you or anyone and is at her own particular stage in life. Consider she has been holding on for 1 year and has not let go. She hasn't accepted the truth and has questions that need answering which is why she is having so much trouble moving on. This ex may be the ONLY person who can give her the answers, be it in his silence or short, sh*tty replies. In the end, she is either going to feel sh*ttier or she will get "closure" and actually begin to heal.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Beachead