Pain is overwhelming

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Honestly, its just not going in anymore. My life feels like it will be just survival now till the day I die. I've lost motivation, hope. I don't enjoy life, I do what I have to do and repeat. I simply can't compehend what has happened even now. Probably because I would never enter a relationship without strong feelings for someone.

 

I can't ever contact him again, I said I would not because I know where I stand. Although he said I could contact if I wanted to. (For the ego boost I presume)

[Beachead]

Honestly, its just not going in anymore. My life feels like it will be just survival now till the day I die. I've lost motivation, hope. I don't enjoy life, I do what I have to do and repeat. I simply can't compehend what has happened even now. Probably because I would never enter a relationship without strong feelings for someone.

 

I can't ever contact him again, I said I would not because I know where I stand. Although he said I could contact if I wanted to. (For the ego boost I presume)

 

Don't blame you one bit. I fight the same battles in my head as well..everyday actually. Just know you're not alone and try to find solace in the fact that there are people like us who value and long for the same things.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

"It's not just the passage of time; it's what you do with that time." (Dr. Phil just said that to a woman whose boyfriend tried to beat her to death with a meat tenderizer).

[HiCrunchy]

Don't blame you one bit. I fight the same battles in my head as well..everyday actually. Just know you're not alone and try to find solace in the fact that there are people like us who value and long for the same things.

 

Yes. I agree.

Someone very dear to me once told me “be good to yourself”

You’re a lover, we all see how much you love your ex but it’s time to love yourself now.

 

I’m trying to love myself too this year.

 

We have too.

Edited January 5, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Its like a record, I wake up everyday and I think about him. Where is he? I think of how he would cuddle up to me in my very bed, I remember touching his warm body and holding his hand. And now, my bed is very empty.

 

Life without loving and being loved now I have experienced it... its what makes you feel alive, makes you feel you have a purpose. Without it its as though I haven't any fuel and someone needs to come and fill me up. It feels like a sad existance in comparison.

 

Sometimes I want to contact him. But I know what I hear won't be what I want to. So I have to be strong and stick to NC. Even if I don't seem to be making progress.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Its like a record, I wake up everyday and I think about him. Where is he? I think of how he would cuddle up to me in my very bed, I remember touching his warm body and holding his hand. And now, my bed is very empty.

 

Life without loving and being loved now I have experienced it... its what makes you feel alive, makes you feel you have a purpose. Without it its as though I haven't any fuel and someone needs to come and fill me up. It feels like a sad existance in comparison.

 

Sometimes I want to contact him. But I know what I hear won't be what I want to. So I have to be strong and stick to NC. Even if I don't seem to be making progress.

 

As long as you put the onus of your happiness on someone else instead of taking responsibility for it yourself, you will never heal.

 

He slept over your house and cuddled in bed with you while you were living with your parents?

[stillafool]

As long as she thinks he's the only man on earth that she could ever love she will never be happy. Like I said before there is nothing anyone can do here to help OP.

[BaileyB]

As long as you put the onus of your happiness on someone else instead of taking responsibility for it yourself, you will never heal.

 

With this thought, you will never heal.

 

There could be another man, to cuddle with you in bed and make you feel safe and warm and loved... But, not until you let this guy go and realize that nobody can fill you up - you are responsible for your own happiness.

[Beachead]

Its like a record, I wake up everyday and I think about him. Where is he? I think of how he would cuddle up to me in my very bed, I remember touching his warm body and holding his hand. And now, my bed is very empty.

 

Life without loving and being loved now I have experienced it... its what makes you feel alive, makes you feel you have a purpose. Without it its as though I haven't any fuel and someone needs to come and fill me up. It feels like a sad existance in comparison.

 

Sometimes I want to contact him. But I know what I hear won't be what I want to. So I have to be strong and stick to NC. Even if I don't seem to be making progress.

 

Wrong. You are making progress. It sure doesn't feel like it because you feel like garbage but you're exactly where you need to be. And you are feeling what you need to be feeling. You're being 100% real.

 

I'd like to venture a guess that the first month you broke up with him, apart from feeling so crappy the first few weeks, you were in denial/numb. Didn't really face the realities of the breakup. Had far more hope that maybe he'd come back. Compare that to now, and I can see that hope is going away. I can see you processing little bits and pieces of the situation and facing it. You feel like sh*t because you're starting deal with the truth now rather than numbing it out. Your mind has let up because you've reached a point where you can't accept the bs you were telling yourself the past year as truth anymore and it's time to move forward. And that's why you returned here.

 

You're not looking for advice, you're looking to vent and share and to have others listen and relate because that's what you need right now. And guess what, that's totally fine as well. All this tells me is that despite all this talk about suicide, you still show some care for yourself and that you are still looking for a way to get back up. Even if you aren't ready to accept what we tell you, I know you've listened and perhaps at some point down the road when the time is right, you will. But for now, you will go at your own pace and you will heal as you heal. This isn't just about that guy. You're dealing with a crossroads in your life. Extend yourself some room to breathe. I'd give you another year so for when you really get back up. Dare I say, when you do, you're going to be a different person.

 

All the love to you

[divegrl]

Just one day at a time. One breath at a time. Keep journaling and feeling all your emotions.

 

We are here for you. Hugs for you today.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Yes i'm using this thread to vent when I need to, and trust me, thats alot. I worry that even if I did heal, i'd be living in fear of ever loving again... if its taken me to the brink of suicide, I just can't handle it.

 

I hate that he seemed to have absolutely no emotion after we broke up, he didn't like me being hurt, but didn't give a cr*p about loosing me or me being gone forever.

 

I doubt i'll never be able to speak to him again even if I do ever feel better about it. He rejected me! He decided he could do better.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes i'm using this thread to vent when I need to, and trust me, thats a lot. I worry that even if I did heal, i'd be living in fear of ever loving again... if its taken me to the brink of suicide, I just can't handle it.

 

I hate that he seemed to have absolutely no emotion after we broke up, he didn't like me being hurt, but didn't give a cr*p about loosing me or me being gone forever.

 

I doubt i'll never be able to speak to him again even if I do ever feel better about it. He rejected me! He decided he could do better.

 

So, are you saying part of you doesn't want to heal because you're afraid of getting hurt again?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yes i'm using this thread to vent when I need to, and trust me, thats alot. I worry that even if I did heal, i'd be living in fear of ever loving again... if its taken me to the brink of suicide, I just can't handle it.

 

I hate that he seemed to have absolutely no emotion after we broke up, he didn't like me being hurt, but didn't give a cr*p about loosing me or me being gone forever.

 

I doubt i'll never be able to speak to him again even if I do ever feel better about it. He rejected me! He decided he could do better.

 

I cannot speak for your ex, but some people, like what I did with my break-up with my ex-wife, involved me 'pretending' that I did not care. It was brutal on the inside and for her. After the break up, she did all the things you don't do when someone is seeking distance, space. In order for me to force that break or distance, I pretended like I didn't love her or care. Some people do just that, but then again, I don't know your ex.

 

Yes, he did reject you and thought he could do better. Every break-up, in some way, is about seeking something better. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. You need to work and live beyond him as I am learning to live beyond my ex. It is hard and there are days when it gets touch, but over all, I keep myself busy, active, and socialize as often as I can. This is not only to help me forget, but also to help me move forward.

[Beachead]

Yes i'm using this thread to vent when I need to, and trust me, thats alot. I worry that even if I did heal, i'd be living in fear of ever loving again... if its taken me to the brink of suicide, I just can't handle it.

 

I hate that he seemed to have absolutely no emotion after we broke up, he didn't like me being hurt, but didn't give a cr*p about loosing me or me being gone forever.

 

I doubt i'll never be able to speak to him again even if I do ever feel better about it. He rejected me! He decided he could do better.

 

Interesting. You wanted a guy who gave a crap about losing you but instead ended up with a guy who didn't give a crap about losing you. So, based on that, would you say he was what you were looking for?

Edited January 5, 2018 by Beachead

[BaileyB]

I worry that even if I did heal, i'd be living in fear of ever loving again... if its taken me to the brink of suicide, I just can't handle it.

 

This is why counselling is a good idea - to help you to develop more perspective, better coping skills, and resiliency.

 

Because truthfully, not everything in life is going to go your way. You will have setbacks and failures. And, not all relationships will last forever... very few, to be honest. You have a lot of growing to do, my friend...

[Blanco]

OP, you do not know what he is or isn't feeling. Not everyone wears their emotions on their sleeves. And honestly, how would it help you to know he was hurting if the end result was still the same: He isn't interested in a relationship.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Because truthfully, not everything in life is going to go your way. You will have setbacks and failures. And, not all relationships will last forever... very few, to be honest. You have a lot of growing to do, my friend...

 

I probably have a massive problem with the fact it seems to work out for all my friends. I worked really hard at this relationship, and it still failed. I feel i've failed. It seems easy for everyone around me. How many years would I even have to wait to even get a chance again?

 

Yeah I also hate that he thought he could better me when I didn't do anything wrong except being/looking like me.

 

I don't think he feels anything atall towards the situation. Ever since the BU he has been pretty indifferent towards me. (Ie: Not bothered i've gone NC)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

it seems to work out for all my friends. I worked really hard at this relationship, and it still failed. I feel i've failed. It seems easy for everyone around me. How many years would I even have to wait to even get a chance again?

 

 

Can you describe the lives of your friends a little bit? Are they living independently, outside of their parents' homes? How have they met their boyfriends? Sorry if you've answered, but do you live in the USA?

[BaileyB]

I probably have a massive problem with the fact it seems to work out for all my friends. I worked really hard at this relationship, and it still failed. I feel i've failed. It seems easy for everyone around me. How many years would I even have to wait to even get a chance again?

 

I get that, I had to wait longer than my friends to find someone too. But, the thing is... you never know what is happening in those relationships. Perhaps one may have a partner who plays video games all the time while the other is lonely. While another relationship is emotionally abusive. While another is falling apart because of the pressures of illness, work, or kids. Here's the thing - I now have a happy relationship but my friends are now unhappy, divorcing, cheating, dealing with kids with probelms, etc... YOU CANT COMPARE YOUR JOURNEY TO ANYONE ELSE.

 

Take the time you need to grieve the loss of this relationship, and then try to move forward. Staying stuck in this kind of thinking and you will be waiting a LONG time for another chance. What are you actually doing to try and find another chance... Other that sitting at home, pining for a guy who has told you sadly, that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you.

Edited January 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Can you describe the lives of your friends a little bit? Are they living independently, outside of their parents' homes? How have they met their boyfriends? Sorry if you've answered, but do you live in the USA?

 

They all lived at home before they met their boyfriends. They moved out of their family home into a place WITH their boyfriends, so have never had to live alone.

 

Also, he did want a relationship at some point. He pursued me in the beginning. I didn't force him to have a relationship with me you know!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

They all lived at home before they met their boyfriends. They moved out of their family home into a place WITH their boyfriends, so have never had to live alone.

 

Also, he did want a relationship at some point. He pursued me in the beginning. I didn't force him to have a relationship with me you know!

 

OK, then it makes more sense I guess why you don't want to move out and live on your own, although I still think you should.

 

The fact that he did want a relationship at some point means you're someone men want to have a relationship with.....hopefully that gives you a little hope?

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I'm not the only one my age who lives at home. Alot of people my age and older live at home in order to save to buy a house. Its not ideal, but I don't have much choice. I don't earn enough to afford a house and all the bills etc on my own.

 

Well not really because its clearly rare. I've been single all my adult life practically. Thats another reason it hurts so much, I waited a long long time to find someone I liked as much as him so I suppose the loss is greater... having learnt I don't get to move on easily from the 5 year gap between my pathetic 6 month relationships i've had.

[d0nnivain]

Do you have any social activities? Getting out & getting involved will give you a renewed sense of purpose, some sense of accomplishment but will most importantly expose you to others so you have a greater chance to find your special someone. (It's not your EX, btw)

[Beachead]

I probably have a massive problem with the fact it seems to work out for all my friends. I worked really hard at this relationship, and it still failed. I feel i've failed. It seems easy for everyone around me. How many years would I even have to wait to even get a chance again?

 

Yeah I also hate that he thought he could better me when I didn't do anything wrong except being/looking like me.

 

I don't think he feels anything atall towards the situation. Ever since the BU he has been pretty indifferent towards me. (Ie: Not bothered i've gone NC)

 

You know what I did? I distanced myself from a lot of my friends. Started concentrating on building a life of my own. I mean I was happy for them finding love and everyone getting engaged but I also couldn't deny how crappy it made me feel.

 

For example, I was at my friends engagement party. I know she had some problems with his family but overall, she was able to experience this amazing day with her family and his family and 100's of extended family members and friends. I had just attended another engagement of a friend. And there were several more weddings approaching. I needed to step outside her house for a bit and calm my anger/sadness down. I even cried a little. I just wanted to leave. It wasn't healthy.

 

As BaileyB said, never compare yourself with others which is absolutely true. But, it is easier said than done.

 

Sometimes trying to be there for everyone else in life may hurt us and it's nobody's fault. It's not your friends fault. And it's not yours. It's just how we feel. But how we feel is real to us so we need to take it seriously. In the end, what comes before anything else is our well-being because if we don't have that, we'll quickly become a drag around everyone else. Just an all around negative, draining person. Then we're good for nobody..not even ourself.

 

So keeping that in mind, I did what I had to do in order to remain level headed. I disconnected from nearly everybody. Pulled myself off of social media. Got busy. Passed on outings and such. A couple of people invited me to their weddings but I politely found a way out of it. Just focused on myself. My job, my workouts at the gym. My studies. I even greatly limited the number of engagements/weddings I go to now if I choose to go to any. I don't have to see or hear updates which makes me stay focused on getting my life together since I don't lose steam comparing and that allows me to get more done. So it's worked. My confidence and self-esteem has slowly been restoring itself. I still hurt but less.

 

Again, don't really care how bad or weak it sounds because my mental-health at that point was really fading away. Certain events have a way highlighting insecurities about ourselves if we are not strong enough to handle it at the moment and I admit I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I needed a healthier environment for myself. When I'm ready, I'll return but until then, I'm taking care of myself.

 

You don't have to do that but just giving you an example of the extremes I took to change things. I was absolutely pushed to that point where I just didn't want to feel like this anymore. Ergo..this.

Edited January 6, 2018 by Beachead

[HiCrunchy]

Well not really because its clearly rare. I've been single all my adult life practically. Thats another reason it hurts so much, I waited a long long time to find someone I liked as much as him so I suppose the loss is greater... having learnt I don't get to move on easily from the 5 year gap between my pathetic 6 month relationships i've had.

 

Yes, a lot of people have it easier when moving on from an ex cuz they just "find someone new" in a span of a few weeks to months.

 

It is very hard to feel it not hopeless when the one guy you loved so much (and claimed to love you too) after being alone for a long time disappears so quickly.

 

Almost like a cruel joke.