Pain is overwhelming

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not the only one my age who lives at home. Alot of people my age and older live at home in order to save to buy a house. Its not ideal, but I don't have much choice. I don't earn enough to afford a house and all the bills etc on my own.

 

Well not really because its clearly rare. I've been single all my adult life practically. Thats another reason it hurts so much, I waited a long long time to find someone I liked as much as him so I suppose the loss is greater... having learnt I don't get to move on easily from the 5 year gap between my pathetic 6 month relationships i've had.

 

You don't have to move right out into a home you purchase. Apartment rentals are ideal for young single people, especially with a roommate. I'm guessing your friends who've moved in with their boyfriends are not homeowners, but renters. This mantra of "can't, can't, can't" isn't going to help you in any way, not only with ever finding love again, but with anything in life at all.

 

But anyway, you clearly don't want to consider the benefits of independence so I'll shut up about it.

 

Did it take you a long time to move on from the relationship you had 5 years prior to your last one? If so, what finally helped?

[sorano]

OK, then it makes more sense I guess why you don't want to move out and live on your own, although I still think you should.

 

The fact that he did want a relationship at some point means you're someone men want to have a relationship with.....hopefully that gives you a little hope?

 

Depending where you live, on long island, a room/studio will cost you 2300 a month. A two family, in a some what decent area, you rent half the house, its going to cost you 3k a month.

 

Living in someones basment, confined in a little space will cost you 1000 or 1500 dollars a month. Independence is amazing. Me, id rather throw that money into a home. Not give it away. But its all relative where you live, how much you make, etc. Up to the person.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Depending where you live, on long island, a room/studio will cost you 2300 a month. A two family, in a some what decent area, you rent half the house, its going to cost you 3k a month.

 

Living in someones basment, confined in a little space will cost you 1000 or 1500 dollars a month.

 

Does OP live on Long Island? Because that's exactly what I'm picturing.

 

That is pretty expensive! Where I live, a very nice 3 bedroom is around $1800.

[BaileyB]

I think, the problem here is expectations.

 

You expect that you would meet a man just like all your friends, you expect that the relationship will work out, you expect that you will move out and live wih your boyfriend (not on your own), you expect that you won't have to build a career, you expect that it will be easy, and you expect that this will bring you happiness... Even after you broke up, you expect him to miss you, you expect that he will not move on (as you are having difficulty moving on), you expect him to contact you on your birthday and at Christmas... You expect, you expect, you expect...

 

The most definite way to be unhappy is to have expectations. Because, things rarely work out the way you expect them to work out.

 

I never expected to move from my parents house to be with a partner. I expected to live in my own and learn to function in this world as an independent adult, before I lived with a partner. I never expected a man to take care of me. I expected that I would have to build a career such that I would be able to support myself, with/without a man. I did expect that somewhere along the line, I would meet someone, get married, and have kids... And the fact that this didn't happen as expected was hard but it made me stronger and all the more grateful when it did happen. My boyfriend often tells me that this is exactly what attracted him to me - the fact that I was a strong and independent woman who had a professional job and was financially independent. Thanks to my parents, I never expected anything less... This was simply what was encouraged and expected this of me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think, the problem here is expectations.

 

You expect that you would meet a man just like all your friends, you expect that the relationship will work out, you expect that you will move out and live wih your boyfriend (not on your own), you expect that you won't have to build a career, you expect that it will be easy, and you expect that this will bring you happiness... Even after you broke up, you expect him to miss you, you expect that he will not move on (as you are having difficulty moving on), you expect him to contact you on your birthday and at Christmas... You expect, you expect, you expect...

 

 

There's another E word that comes to mind as well.

[BaileyB]

There's another E word that comes to mind as well.

 

 

Entitlement?

[Blanco]

You aren't owed anything, OP. None of us are. That was one of the hardest lessons in life I ever had to learn and it's something I think needs periodic reminding, even after you've accepted this truth.

 

I'm in my thirties. Most of my closest friends are now married, most with at least one child; homeowners; fairly or well established in their career. I guess it would be easy for me to get envious, since I do want a family some day. And it would be easy to be bitter, since I did have something like that long ago because of a previous relationship where the woman had children. But I'm not.

 

Their lives are theirs and mine is mine. It sounds obvious, maybe even pedantic. But it's the truth. Just because one of them got this or one of them found that doesn't mean I am owed anything similar. Yes, it'd be great to meet someone I felt connected to enough to want to build a life together. But I work hard not to let the "would be nice" scenarios dictate my happiness or contentedness with life.

 

I understand that as a man, I'm afforded a biological luxury that you, as a woman, are not. Still, I think the core message of what I'm saying is applicable. Your plan, intentionally or not, appears to be to sit in your room of your parents house, waiting for a man to show up and help you start the next phase of your life. It doesn't work that way. Even if you have friends who somehow found themselves in that situation, it's a poor bet to take that a similar fate awaits you.

 

I say these things not to be critical or dismissive of your pain. I say them because I get the sense that you have allowed yourself to become complacent with your life, as though someone or something else is supposed to guide your life in the direction you desire.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I read everyone of the posts here on my thread.

 

Trust me if I could afford to move out, I would. I don't want to rent, that feels like a waste and I wouldn't have the enjoyment of making the place mine.

 

I think i'm finding it so tough with the situation with my ex because I just can't get my head around how someone can be so close to you everyday for 6 months. You know all about each others lives, you're with each other physically, and then they can easily just turn off and walk away forever, it just feels inhuman.

[BaileyB]

I read everyone of the posts here on my thread.

 

Trust me if I could afford to move out, I would. I don't want to rent, that feels like a waste and I wouldn't have the enjoyment of making the place mine.

 

I think i'm finding it so tough with the situation with my ex because I just can't get my head around how someone can be so close to you everyday for 6 months. You know all about each others lives, you're with each other physically, and then they can easily just turn off and walk away forever, it just feels inhuman.

 

It is what it is...

 

How is it possible that a friend could be your friend since childhood, and then one day decide that they don't want to be your friend anymore... Or how is it possible that you could be married for 20 years, have three beautiful children together, and then one day your spouse announces that they are bored and want out of the marriage (or that they have found someone else and they want to leave the marriage).

 

These things happen. It hurts like hell! You scream, and you cry, and you eat ice cream, and you go out and complain and/or party with your friends, or you start dating other people, until you start to feel better... Yes, it feels unfair and it hurts like hell but you can't sit home and complain about how unfair life has treated you... It treats everyone else the same way!

 

Nobody gets through life without setbacks and disappointments. But, everybody has to somehow find a way to pick themselves up, get out the door everyday, participate in life and make a better future for themselves. It won't just magically come to you while you are sitting in your parents basement... And it won't happen while you continue to live in the past. You must find a way to move on...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I read everyone of the posts here on my thread.

 

Trust me if I could afford to move out, I would. I don't want to rent, that feels like a waste and I wouldn't have the enjoyment of making the place mine.

 

I think i'm finding it so tough with the situation with my ex because I just can't get my head around how someone can be so close to you everyday for 6 months. You know all about each others lives, you're with each other physically, and then they can easily just turn off and walk away forever, it just feels inhuman.

 

Well, you're still depriving yourself of that enjoyment since you are living in your parents' home. Renting isn't as bad as you think it is in that regard. You can still make a place yours, and you don't have all the bills for malfunctioning stuff (i.e. hot water heater) on top of it. Someone else is responsible for that.

 

I have to agree with what the others said. Waiting for your life to happen the same way it happened to your friends, and comparing yourself to them, is a bad way to live because if you do that forever you will NEVER be happy. Most of my friends are pushing 20 or even 25 years of happy marriage, financially very stable, going on nice vacations as a family, etc. I'm divorced with two kids, 15K in credit card debt because of a huge drop in my income through no fault of my own, single, and can't afford vacations anymore. Do I wish some things were different for me now? Yeah, of course I do, but I'm not entitled to any of that stuff and I refuse to wallow in self pity because my life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would so far. I have a heck of a lot to be thankful for even though life is hard.

 

Everyone has their different journey and path and nobody is guaranteed anything, no matter how much they want things to go a certain way. (Or not go a certain way).

[BaileyB]

Trust me if I could afford to move out, I would. I don't want to rent, that feels like a waste and I wouldn't have the enjoyment of making the place mine.

 

That's a smart thing to do. I did the same, after university I stayed at home for 10 months to save enough money for a down payment and I bought a condo. My parents were gracious enough to let me stay and they charged me a minimal amount of rent so that I could save as much as possible (but they did charge me rent because, they wanted me to understand that nobody lives for free). It was a good decision to save money and buy a condo, but it is a luxury that many people don't have.

 

I would hope that you are saving money for a downpayment/to move out because even if you were to meet a man tomorrow, you will need money to contribute your share if you were ever to move out and live together.

[stillafool]

I read everyone of the posts here on my thread.

 

Trust me if I could afford to move out, I would. I don't want to rent, that feels like a waste and I wouldn't have the enjoyment of making the place mine.

 

 

Then this should be your goal now, moving out. Go back to school and get your career in order so you can become independent. This will keep you so busy you won't have time to think about your ex and it will raise your self esteem.

[Beachead]

I read everyone of the posts here on my thread.

 

Trust me if I could afford to move out, I would. I don't want to rent, that feels like a waste and I wouldn't have the enjoyment of making the place mine.

 

I think i'm finding it so tough with the situation with my ex because I just can't get my head around how someone can be so close to you everyday for 6 months. You know all about each others lives, you're with each other physically, and then they can easily just turn off and walk away forever, it just feels inhuman.

 

You're right OP. It does feel inhuman.

 

Like I said, this isn't just about him. This is about dealing with a crossroads in your life. Something that you will figure out how to deal with and move passed when you are ready.

Edited January 6, 2018 by Beachead

[Blanco]

I think i'm finding it so tough with the situation with my ex because I just can't get my head around how someone can be so close to you everyday for 6 months. You know all about each others lives, you're with each other physically, and then they can easily just turn off and walk away forever, it just feels inhuman.

 

You need to stop playing this narrative over and over in your head. You don't know how easy or difficult it was for him. You are not him. You do not know all of his thoughts. All you know is that he terminated the relationship and has been able to resist reaching out, probably understanding that doing so would only ignite hope within you.

 

I think part of the problem is that you're projecting your feelings on to him. In your original posts on this relationship a year ago, you mention how he started to pull away as you fell in love with him. Six months is enough time to build a pretty stable bond, but I still think it's very much in the trial stage of a long-term relationship. An extended job interview, so to speak.

 

It's enough time to assess feelings about a more long-term relationship. It's clear that at that point, he realized he did not have these necessary feelings or did not see a future in the relationship. That hurts to hear, I'm sure, because it's clear that you did feel differently than he did in this respect. But in relationships, it takes two to tango. It doesn't matter how strongly one person feels if the other person isn't on board.

 

I'm saying this for your own good: You need to let go of this narrative of how he could dare date you for six months and then not commit to you for the rest of your lives. He gave it a chance. He decided, for whatever reason, that there was no future in it. That is not an indictment of your own character or desirability. It just means he did not believe you two to be a solid fit for something more long-lasting.

 

At this point, you are choosing to wallow in your own pain. I know that your situation feels unique because it's your own experience, but I'm sorry to say that it's not. Relationships that last six months are a dime a dozen. That's just the cold hard reality. It doesn't mean love stinks or that we should not put ourselves out there. It just means that sometimes, we get burned and are left disappointed. But it's important to learn how to bounce back from these low points and not let them define who we are.

[BaileyB]

You need to stop playing this narrative over and over in your head. At this point, you are choosing to wallow in your own pain. I know that your situation feels unique because it's your own experience, but I'm sorry to say that it's not. Relationships that last six months are a dime a dozen. That's just the cold hard reality. It means that sometimes, we get burned and are left disappointed. But it's important to learn how to bounce back from these low points and not it define you.

 

This is the sad reality. There is nothing unique or special about what has happened with this relationship, it is the sad reality for many relationships. Every relationship is a risk. Every relationship takes two willing partners. And, one partner can chose to leave the relationship at any given time... It happens to almost everyone at one time or another. And, it happens every. Single. Day.

 

You are definitely projecting your feelings onto this man. This, combined with your expectations of what you think should have happened, is making you absolutely miserable. Your really do need to change your thinking and stop the narrative that loops in your head. The thing is, there is nothing unusual about this situation, there is nothing "wrong" with what he did, and there is no reason why you can't find love again - if you want it, if you are willing to do what is required to find love again, and if you are willing to take the risk.

Edited January 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I'm scared i'm about to go into another 'dark period'.

 

After I last posted, I didn't feel so horribly out of control and disgusting. I felt somewhat normal again.

 

But today, i've been thinking again, feeling offended, feeling like it would be better to be dead.

 

A few days ago, I began to look forward to a friends party i'm helping her plan. Things felt more positive.

 

Today, i'm feeling incredibly rejected by his lack of communication.

 

I wonder if the severity is to do with hormones? I realise i'm due on my period.

Edited January 14, 2018 by Heartbrokenandhurt

[divegrl]

Maybe you could reframe your experience.

 

Instead of labeling this as rejection, it could be a redirection. A redirection to something better. More in line with your mind/body/soul.

 

Sending love my friend.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wonder if the severity is to do with hormones? I realise i'm due on my period.

 

Before I got to your last sentence, I was thinking that exact thing.

 

Your period is due? So you are PMSing? Maybe you should start keeping a log of your moods/feelings and track them with your cycle. If you're feeling mostly this way after ovulation/2nd half of your cycle, that could have a lot to do with the depression. I had PMDD in my early thirties. It was awful .

[Beachead]

I'm scared i'm about to go into another 'dark period'.

 

After I last posted, I didn't feel so horribly out of control and disgusting. I felt somewhat normal again.

 

But today, i've been thinking again, feeling offended, feeling like it would be better to be dead.

 

A few days ago, I began to look forward to a friends party i'm helping her plan. Things felt more positive.

 

Today, i'm feeling incredibly rejected by his lack of communication.

 

I wonder if the severity is to do with hormones? I realise i'm due on my period.

 

You could try physical activity if you are open to it and havent made a routine of it. It'll help release endorphins which react with your brain and help you feel better. I've always gone to the gym and I can vouch for physical activity helping me feel better.

 

Give this link a look if you'd like.

 

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression#1

[BriNyc82]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and I get it, I'm going through a breakup too. But why does this guy have so much power over you? After a certain point in the grieving process we must take a look at ourselves. It's so easy to blame them. But like the others said you don't know what it's like for him. He made a decision that he thinks is best for him and yourself. You may not agree with his decision but you have to accept it. Be happy you weren't married with children and up and left. Or were engaged.... Don't let one guys decision completely make you lose sight of who you are. He doesn't define you. It hurts. I know. I just had my own crying spell not too long ago. But now is the time to slowly build yourself. Baby steps. Small goals. And over time it gets better. I promise.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Before I got to your last sentence, I was thinking that exact thing.

 

Your period is due? So you are PMSing? Maybe you should start keeping a log of your moods/feelings and track them with your cycle. If you're feeling mostly this way after ovulation/2nd half of your cycle, that could have a lot to do with the depression. I had PMDD in my early thirties. It was awful .

 

Its just that I don't understand the spells of feeling proud about keeping NC when I know he probably expects me to break it at some point and being more accepting of this awful situation.. to the crazy few weeks of hell where I feel I haven't healed atall and the only way it would go away would be to end things and words go through my head and memories and its like mental touture I can't stop. The voice in my head saying things like 'Haha, you couldn't even keep your boyfriends interest, how crap are you?' and 'You must be soo ugly'. :(

 

I didn't sleep last night because I felt so worked up about this situation.... thinking how forgetable I am, how rubbish I must be. And i'm now needing to go to work but have made myself physically sick by the emotional stress. I keep heaving. I was calmer up until yesterday.

[BaileyB]

So much of the pain we deal with are really only thoughts.

 

Chose to focus on the negative, and you will be overwhelmed by insecurity and pain. In this way, you create your own pain.

 

The good news is, you chose your thoughts. Chose wisely.

[d0nnivain]

Its just that I don't understand the spells of feeling proud about keeping NC when I know he probably expects me to break it at some point and being more accepting of this awful situation.. to the crazy few weeks of hell where I feel I haven't healed atall and the only way it would go away would be to end things and words go through my head and memories and its like mental touture I can't stop. The voice in my head saying things like 'Haha, you couldn't even keep your boyfriends interest, how crap are you?' and 'You must be soo ugly'. :(

 

I didn't sleep last night because I felt so worked up about this situation.... thinking how forgetable I am, how rubbish I must be. And i'm now needing to go to work but have made myself physically sick by the emotional stress. I keep heaving. I was calmer up until yesterday.

 

 

This will stop when you change your mindset. Even if he forgets you & thinks you are rubbish, He's one freakin' person. He doesn't speak for the whole world & he certainly shouldn't speak for you

 

I belong to a moderated depression support group. Last meeting the moderator had us watch a TED talk about the pursuit of happiness & why that goal will always make you more depressed.

 

The speaker had 4 pillars to feeling fulfilled which she said is a better goal then happiness. To feel better about themselves & their situations people need the following:

 

1. Purpose -- what are you doing with you life?

 

2. Transcendence -- what gets you out of yourself? For some people it's religion, for other's it's nature, for some it's writing, or exercise.

 

3. Belonging -- who are your 'people'? Who gets you?

 

4. Storytelling / personal narrative. This is how you view your life & when you write a negative story you bring yourself down. The speaker talked about this athlete who was injured. When he could not longer play sports his narrative was very negative: I was an athlete. I got hurt. Now I'm nothing. Over time he changed it. He volunteered mentoring kids & found a new purpose. His narrative became more positive: When I was an athlete I was selfish & shallow. Now I have become a better person & I make a positive difference in the world.

 

You need to change your story from "I'm forgettable rubbish" to I'm a quality person who brings a lot to a relationship.

 

When you start to like yourself again, you will stop having sleepless nights & be more at peace.

[stillafool]

Its just that I don't understand the spells of feeling proud about keeping NC when I know he probably expects me to break it at some point and being more accepting of this awful situation.. to the crazy few weeks of hell where I feel I haven't healed atall and the only way it would go away would be to end things and words go through my head and memories and its like mental touture I can't stop. The voice in my head saying things like 'Haha, you couldn't even keep your boyfriends interest, how crap are you?' and 'You must be soo ugly'. :(

 

I didn't sleep last night because I felt so worked up about this situation.... thinking how forgetable I am, how rubbish I must be. And i'm now needing to go to work but have made myself physically sick by the emotional stress. I keep heaving. I was calmer up until yesterday.

 

No he's not expecting you to contact him. He wants you to heal and move forward to acceptance. You are struggling badly and it might be a good idea to seek professional help. If the other therapist wasn't a good fit look for another.

[BriNyc82]

Also I might add, who gives a bleepidy beep beep what he expects? This isn't about him anymore. It's about you. What you think about you bring about. It's tough to course corrEct your thoughts but you must. I think finding a new therapist is wise to learn some coping tools on how to shift your thought process. I'm sure your relationship wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Take a step back and be honest with yourself.

 

This is one of my fav motivational videos