Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 I stupidly decided to look on a dating site which I know he joined after breaking things off with me and saw him on there with recent photos. Afterwards, i've spent the morning crying my eyes out with the pain of rejection I feel. He would rather be single than to try with someone who actually cares and loves him. Am I really so off putting? Then the suicidal thoughts creep in, if I just do it i'll not have to feel pain or rejection again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I stupidly decided to look on a dating site which I know he joined after breaking things off with me and saw him on there with recent photos. Afterwards, i've spent the morning crying my eyes out with the pain of rejection I feel. He would rather be single than to try with someone who actually cares and loves him. Am I really so off putting? Then the suicidal thoughts creep in, if I just do it i'll not have to feel pain or rejection again. Here's the thing though... his life has nothing to do with you anymore. The fact that he has chosen to go onto a dating site is in no way a reflection of you. And yes, maybe he would rather be single and dating. You may still feel like you "love and care for him" but he has chosen to move on with his life. He has the right to make that decision. Dry your eyes, get dressed, and go live your life! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 As long as you continue to spy on his social media you will stay in pain. You have to make up your mind that the truth is he isn't coming back so you can give up hope and heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I stupidly decided to look on a dating site which I know he joined after breaking things off with me and saw him on there with recent photos. Afterwards, i've spent the morning crying my eyes out with the pain of rejection I feel. He would rather be single than to try with someone who actually cares and loves him. Am I really so off putting? Then the suicidal thoughts creep in, if I just do it i'll not have to feel pain or rejection again. Being single is not this unspeakably awful thing reserved only for the most undesirable of the world's people. I have chosen being single over being in a relationship with someone who loved me. It didn't mean she was worthless or someone no other man would want. We just weren't compatible enough to build something long-lasting. I was happy to hear last year that she's since settled down and had a baby with a long-time boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Surely if I was that alright, then I could have and keep the man the love and want. Some people seem to be able to do that. Thats all I want from life. F**k even a career, I don't care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Surely if I was that alright, then I could have and keep the man the love and want. Some people seem to be able to do that. Thats all I want from life. F**k even a career, I don't care. You see the key word is "some" are able to have and keep. Not all relationships stay together. This is the real world where we don't get everything we want. When you start accepting that fact you will get further along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Surely if I was that alright, then I could have and keep the man the love and want. Not true. As others have said, we don't always get what we want. And what you wanted and thought was right for you was unfortunately not what he thought was right for him. There will be another man out there who you are absolutely perfect for. You just haven't found him yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 I tried really hard for him. I'm just so tired, I want it to end now. I've lost the motivation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Please call a suicide hotline. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Surely if I was that alright, then I could have and keep the man the love and want. Some people seem to be able to do that. Thats all I want from life. F**k even a career, I don't care. You can only control YOU. You cannot control what others do, feel. There are many who feel the same pain as you do. You are not alone. You must do what is best for you so that you are prepared, your best for the next person you meet. PLEASE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 I just wish I never met the man who ruined my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 My advice for your next relationship is to adjust your expectations in such a way that you're not expecting the man to "complete you" and meet all of your needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 I doubt I could risk this happening again tbh. Maybe thats one reason i'm still worked up, not only do I need validation but he also claimed he had feelings for me before, hes the only decent man in a long time who has. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I doubt I could risk this happening again tbh.. That's a shame . Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 At this point, if you're feeling this man ruined your life, it's because you have permitted him to. By your account, he exited your life in a cordial manner. He did not physically or emotionally torment you. He did not string you along for weeks and months after he terminated the relationship. He did not pester you endlessly about "just being friends" or anything like that after he vocalized his desire to leave the relationship. It hurts still. I get it. But that you're still feeling this deep, inconsolable pain more than a year after he left, questioning your own worthiness and desire to life; that is a sign that the issue runs so much deeper than this man. Don't you see that? He cannot complete you. No one can. That applies to all of us. Giving someone that much power over our own happiness is a recipe for disaster and a surefire way to line up future melancholy. This isn't me telling you not to feel bad. It's me telling you to stop with this endless narrative that this man not wanting to extend a six-month relationship does not mean you are worthless, disposable, or unworthy of finding romantic companionship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 He has proved to me, that to him, I am very disposable. And don't forget my experiences with love have always been very painful. I feel like I want to show him that i'm not that bad! I just want something to show me he doesn't wince at the thought of me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 He has proved to me, that to him, I am very disposable. And don't forget my experiences with love have always been very painful. I feel like I want to show him that i'm not that bad! I just want something to show me he doesn't wince at the thought of me. We are all disposable. You are not the only one. Do you feel like you are? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 (edited) I just wish I never met the man who ruined my life. Drama! You realize of course, that the person who is ruining your life is actually... You. He did not abuse you. He did not cheat on you. He did not take all your money and run. He did not lie to you or string you along... All he did, was decide that he didn't want to have a long term relationship with you. Sorry darling, assuming you decide to take the risk again... He may just be the first of many to do this. People will come and go from your life, and not everything will go as planned. You have to learn to deal with it. Or not. Continue to wallow in your misery, if you so choose... Edited January 16, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbrokenandhurt Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 He did lie to me. He was being funny and distant for weeks, yet was still bringing me to see his family and having sex with me. For him to so easily walk away, he must have been lying about his feelings. Also I don't agree with deciding not to be with someone long term... haven't they being lying the duration of the short term in that case? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 He did lie to me. He was being funny and distant for weeks, yet was still bringing me to see his family and having sex with me. For him to so easily walk away, he must have been lying about his feelings. Also I don't agree with deciding not to be with someone long term... haven't they being lying the duration of the short term in that case? No. Dating is a period of discovery, a time to get to know the other individual and decide if you are compatable. You don't sign on for life when you go for that first date... nobody would ever agree to that. And, people change their minds all the time, when a relationship is no longer meeting their needs. It happens every single day. At some point, he decided that the relationship was not what he wanted, so he ended it. And, even if he did lie to you... All the more reason to kick him to the curb, burn anything you have that belongs to him, and go out with your girlfriends. Why all this moaning and whining about a guy who lied to you and treated you badly... Why do you love him still and want him back? Move on and find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 He did lie to me. He was being funny and distant for weeks, yet was still bringing me to see his family and having sex with me. For him to so easily walk away, he must have been lying about his feelings. Also I don't agree with deciding not to be with someone long term... haven't they being lying the duration of the short term in that case? There is a difference between changing your mind and lying. He didn't lie. You are under the very erroneous belief that every time you get into a relationship, if things are going well even for a short period of time (and 7 months is a short period of time), it should last forever. But, it doesn't work this way. What if YOU were the one who had changed your feelings? Would you have stayed in the relationship? I know, I know, you say that would never happen. You're wrong. Very wrong. Happens every day and probably 99.99% of us have had it happen to us more than once. You continue to wallow in self pity and self absorption (have you participated in any other threads on this forum at all?), and I really can't imagine you want to actually stay this miserable, do you? So, in the words of Dr. Phil from an hour ago, "Why are you not asking what you can do differently to change this situation?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Story for you... When I first met my boyfriend, we dated for about three months. We both liked each other and we had a good time that summer... I didn't know if it would be a long term relationship but I was excited to find out. And then, one night he took me for dinner, asked me to go out with him the following week,and then told me on the way home that he didn't think he was ready for a serious, long term relationship... He apologized, and told me that he had come to the realization that there were things in his life he had to deal with before he could be in a serious relationship again... and he didn't know when that would be. He asked to be friends. I was heartbroken. But, I respected his decision. I wished him well. And, we said goodbye. What did I do? Well, I called a friend that night and I cried. I thought this had great potential and I felt like we were never going to get the chance to see what would have happened. I felt like it "never worked out for me." My friend, kindly listened and commiserated, but there was nothing anyone could do to make it different. So, the next day... I went to work. That summer, I went to Europe. When I returned, I bought a new house. I moved. I enjoyed my neice and nephew. I went out with my friends... Life went on. And, I was happy. A year and a half later he sent me an email that said he thought of me often and he asked me to go for coffee. We have been dating ever since and we are very happy. But, I would have been happy even if he hadn't sent the email. I cried for a day, and then I went on with my life. You need to do the same, my friend. You just simply can't stop living your life because a relationship didn't work out with one man. Life is full of missed opportunities and info that don't go as planned. You need to learn to deal with it, or life is going to be pretty miserable for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 He did lie to me. He was being funny and distant for weeks, yet was still bringing me to see his family and having sex with me. For him to so easily walk away, he must have been lying about his feelings. Also I don't agree with deciding not to be with someone long term... haven't they being lying the duration of the short term in that case? You are talking like you had no say in the matter. If you didn't like the way he was treating you, why did you continue to have sex with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 You just simply can't stop living your life because a relationship didn't work out with one man. Life is full of missed opportunities and info that don't go as planned. You need to learn to deal with it, or life is going to be pretty miserable for you. So true. And I wonder if your ex saw these traits in you and couldn't deal. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 So true. And I wonder if your ex saw these traits in you and couldn't deal. Perhaps, the very things that OP is doing to keep her stuck in this misery are exactly why he decided to end the relationship. It's certainly not conducive to a happy, healthy long term relationship... CO, am I correct in saying that your husband cheated and you are divorced. Did he "ruin your life" such that you have been unable to move on and find any happiness? No. Of course not. You seem to be doing just fine... Link to post Share on other sites
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