How the gut feeling almost drove me crazy

[Tracy.Pet]

Hello and Merry Christmas, people.

 

I've been in a relationship for several years. Our relationship started out very fairytale-like. We met just before us both leaving for business trips. We had a little over a month before departures. It was magical - it felt right in every way, we were completely in love. Or so I thought.

 

I had to leave for three months. He also had to leave for a similar amount of time. We bid our hurtful goodbyes, promising each other to wait until we both come back. I left and every single evening we were talking on the phone for 3 hours, I was falling for this person more and more with each conversation. He told me he loved me. We talked about how happy we will be once we're together again physically. In both of our eyes, we were a couple.

 

It was probably three weeks left until my flight back home. And then something weird happened. I will call it "that night".

 

I was out with my co-workers for a few beers. Suddenly, he went completely cold. I couldn't understand it. I didn't know what happened. I kept questioning it in my head, I didn't push him. Needless to say, it was emotionally wrecking.

 

He blamed it on the long distance. We still kept talking to each other, but way less.

 

I came back. There were a lot of things that happened at the time, but I didn't really question anything and just put effort in the relationship that was dying. We were still sort of together. After a few months, I found out he had a conversation with a woman from another country. She was offering to fly here, he was offering some wine, a movie and "something after that". Once I confronted him, he broke down and begged me to stay, since there was nothing physical and the conversation never grew into anything else. I stayed, however, I was much colder, therefore he became the one to put the effort.

 

After that conversation he was treating me nicely, he actually showed love and affection. However, what happened "that night" never stopped bothering me and my gut kept telling me something was off. We talked about it quite often, he always said it was due to other, insignificant reasons. But I never actually forgot it.

 

 

Last winter I was drinking with a friend of his. After a few drinks, it slipped through my tongue that we're planning to move in together. She asked me if I knew what happened when he was at the trip. I was shocked to hear her saying "he slept with this girl, on her period". I immediately confronted him, he told me he lied to her and it wasn't true at all. His father never treated him like a man and he has some kind of manliness problem and the friend of his is quite arrogant and he felt like he had to justify his manliness to her as well. That was his explanation.

 

I believed it because I knew his issues, however, at the same time, my gut didn't. I was very confused at that time. Call me stupid, I did stay with him after this.

 

 

However one year later, it still didn't let me sleep calmly. My gut reminded me of this every week, at least once. I kept dreaming it. So I contacted the woman he supposedly slept with.

 

I wasn't surprised to find out something happened between them.

 

So for two years he was lying to me about "that night". I confronted him and he told me that back then, that woman showed him attention and that's why he accepted it. She kissed him and he did kiss her back. They did hang out, they spent a night on the roof, she once slept in his bed, but, supposedly, nothing more than kissing happened. He also told me later on the girl kissed his co-worker and slept with another one. Not that it changes anything to me.

 

I can't believe I lived in a lie for two years. Of course, he justifies himself saying he didn't want to lose me and felt bad that this whole thing happened. He said there were no feelings whatsoever, but how can there be no feelings yet she sleeps in your bed?...

 

I don't know. I don't believe they didn't have sex. It wouldn't change anything anyways.

 

My problem is, it's been so long and for all these years he has been treating me well and never once cheated or anything. I do love him and that's the worst. I want to move on, but I also think our relationship grew so much in those years and I cannot imagine him doing anything of that sort right now. I know he loves me loads.

 

Is it forgivable? Should I forgive? How should I do that, if yes? What are your thoughts on this situation? I just really need an opinion, I can't deal with this on my own anymore, I'm afraid I might be turning a blind eye on something. I'd appreciate any help regarding this matter. Thank you dearly.

[smackie9]

He lied to you back then, and when confronted about it again he just simply continued to lie about it over and over. TBH I would dump him. Him not coming clean speaks volumes about the type of person he is, and how disrespectful he has been to you.

 

A real man with some integrity/conscience would completely own. If he was honest with you from the start, then you would have something to rebuild on. It's all lies, and you know it....this is why it will forever eat at you. I know this is making you sick...and at what cost?

[browzer]

for all these years he has been treating me well and never once cheated or anything.

 

He lied to you about what happened with the girl that night-she was IN HIS BED of COURSE they did more than kiss.

 

So he's a lying cheater, and has maintained the lie for years and only "trickle truthed" you (told you only what he had to based on what you knew) when you finally confronted him with hard evidence.

 

He cannot be trusted, there is no way you can know if he never cheated or anything in the subsequent years. If he did, he surely wouldn't tell you and he has the past history which is often a predictor of future behavior.

[Space Ritual]

Last winter I was drinking with a friend of his. After a few drinks, it slipped through my tongue that we're planning to move in together. She asked me if I knew what happened when he was at the trip. I was shocked to hear her saying "he slept with this girl, on her period". I immediately confronted him, he told me he lied to her and it wasn't true at all. His father never treated him like a man and he has some kind of manliness problem and the friend of his is quite arrogant and he felt like he had to justify his manliness to her as well. That was his explanation.

 

He got that from George Costanza...he basically acted out a 20 year old scene from Seinfeld when George got fired from his job for having sex on his desk with The Portugese Cleaning Lady...

 

Dear Lord...I don't know what's more perturbing? Him using George Costanza for Inspiration in telling you a whopper or you falling for it?

 

Look, LDRs are full of issues, but the main one is that they involve a LOT of TRUST and Communication....

 

And you had none then, and you have even less now.

 

You ask how you can forgive?

 

Don't you need to know exactly what it is he wants you to forgive him for? As far as I can tell he claims he did nothing wrong and is sticking to it.

 

I doubt your friend would tell tell you this in such detail as the "period" if it weren't common knowledge among his circle..and sadly your's too. That's the thing...Cheaters often are so caught up in their lies, especially if they have been telling the same one for a number of years, that they forget exactly who they told..and it comes back to haunt them.

 

I'm sorry, but your BF won't tell you the truth, nor wil he have any intention if ever telling you the truth.. You can ether agree to rug sweep this whole thing after 2 years (in which case it WILL happen again eventually....cheaters tend to push the envelope when no consequences have been put forward) or you can have the self respect for yourself and refuse to be hoodwinked by a guy who gets his life coaching from a Network Sitcom that has been in Syndication for 20 years.

 

You've had it. Sorry to be bunt , but there is no use in sugarcoating it. That will do you no good. Nor will it do any good to remain in a relationship with this Doofus. You can get a snapshot of all his moves if you tune in to TBS Weekdays between 5 and 6 Eastern Time...That's when Seinfeld is on.

 

 

Come on Lady...you deserve way better than this....give this guy a lump of coal in his stocking and send him packing or you can continue this slow train to hell with an NBC Laugh Track all the way there.

 

Dad didn't teach him Manliness indeed....

Edited December 25, 2017 by Space Ritual

[LilySun]

Even if you found a way to forgive all this, the relationship is forever changed. You have many reasons to question his loyalty and not trust him in the future. You will find yourself paranoid that he's messing around again. He will lie again if you confront him on it. And, you do know more than kissing happened, yet he hasn't even admitted to it.

 

It's not realistic to think this can be pushed under the rug and everything goes back to being hunky dory. That's what he expects and being nice to you comes from his guilt. No matter what he does you will never 100% have full trust in him again. And he will eventually resent you for that (even though it's his own darn fault).

 

So unless you're okay with that as a relationship, you shouldn't stay.

[sandylee1]

He gaslighted you for years. I couldn't trust him again.