wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[BluesPower]

It all sounds to me, like blame shifting to you. Which is complete crap.

 

Her choices are her choices, and now she wants to rewrite history.

 

Here is the deal. She left, she is to immature to understand about raising children.

 

Basically a lot of that just sounds nuts.

 

Are you thinking that you want her back? Really?

 

And she cheated, I guess I missed that or I just cannot keep up with all the threads.

 

Why would you want her back exactly, or am I missing something?

[SammySammy]

Why are you worried about what she thinks or feels?

 

Stoics don't worry about things they can't control. I don't understand why you're tip-toeing and tap dancing around her feelings. Who cares if she thinks you're angry?

 

I don't understand why you're talking to her at all. When she asked do you think it best that she be out of your son's life, I would have said YES! Out of my son's life and out of my life too. Come get your stuff and be gone.

 

Then never talk to her again. Period.

 

This is a low-quality woman. She doesn't like your son. She doesn't respect you. She's a dope head. Self-absorbed loser. What possible positive influence does she or you think she can have on your son?

 

I would not be handling her with kid's gloves. My focus would be getting her out of my life and my son's life as quickly as possible. Then doing whatever it takes to build the best life for me and my son.

[StoicHusband]

It all sounds to me, like blame shifting to you. Which is complete crap.

 

Her choices are her choices, and now she wants to rewrite history.

 

Here is the deal. She left, she is to immature to understand about raising children.

 

Basically a lot of that just sounds nuts.

 

Are you thinking that you want her back? Really?

 

And she cheated, I guess I missed that or I just cannot keep up with all the threads.

 

Why would you want her back exactly, or am I missing something?

 

I do want her back. She is my wife and we've been together for ten years. That may sound crazy but we were very good together. I'm honestly under the impression that she is having an early midlife crisis.

 

She is with another guy now, she insists that she and this dude were "just friends" until she left and moved directly in with him. I am not sure how much I believe of that, but I haven't been able to find any time in the last months that wasn't accounted for. I doubt there was an opportunity for anything physical and we were still VERY active in an intimate since until the week she left (PMS is downtime for us).

 

She really does see herself as outside the relationship. I understand that and I'm not perfect either, she had reasons to leave... this is true.

 

I still have hope for my marriage. Call me nuts.

 

Thank you very much for your input though, I wanted to just make sure I haven't acted like an ass, you have pretty much confirmed that my response was: A. Not what she expected and B. Not childish on my part.

 

 

Why are you worried about what she thinks or feels?

 

Stoics don't worry about things they can't control. I don't understand why you're tip-toeing and tap dancing around her feelings. Who cares if she thinks you're angry?

 

I don't understand why you're talking to her at all. When she asked do you think it best that she be out of your son's life, I would have said YES! Out of my son's life and out of my life too. Come get your stuff and be gone.

 

Then never talk to her again. Period.

 

This is a low-quality woman. She doesn't like your son. She doesn't respect you. She's a dope head. Self-absorbed loser. What possible positive influence does she or you think she can have on your son?

 

I would not be handling her with kid's gloves. My focus would be getting her out of my life and my son's life as quickly as possible. Then doing whatever it takes to build the best life for me and my son.

 

I can control interactions with my wife, though. I can't change her decision but I can change the next interaction if there is damage to prepare. I understand stoicism, even if I have my struggles with applying it. I'm a worrier, that's why I adopted the teachings in the first place.

 

Positive influences:

1. All the family we have is hers.
   
2. All the time he's been here she helped keep a roof over our heads.
   
3. She is immensely funny.
   
4. We are still growing as people.
   

 

 

Again, thanks for your input it is very helpful. It really does make me feel better just to know I didn't come off crazy, and to know that I have handled it gently, as you say.

 

I do want my wife back, I have to let her go and I understand that. She is having a difficult time and it's only going to get worse, honestly. Real life is catching up to her fast.

 

She had told me on Jan 7 that she had an appointment for divorce papers this week, still no papers. She's struggling with money obviously... probably due to spending.

 

I am convinced that she will eventually realize that I was not the entire problem and feel badly about what she's done. I realize she still may not come back, but that is the resolution I hope for.

 

Until then, everything I've said still applies. My son and I are making all the moves to improve our lives every day.

 

I'm not improving for her, but for myself. I know I can be better and underneath, yes it is to make myself the better option. If not for her, for the next woman.

 

Thanks to everyone and to the people I'm responding to, if you have further thoughts any input is very helpful.

[BluesPower]

Rarely if ever have I seen someone so delusional...

 

She is gone and no self respecting man would ever want her back.

 

And of course she was screwing him before she left. That is why she left.

 

I am begging you to get a grip on reality...

[amaysngrace]

You know what I'd like from you guys now? Anyone know any appropriate breakup songs for me? So far been listening to:

• -Cee lo Green, F*** You
  
• -Mac Miller, Smile Back
  
• -Styx, Blue Collar Man
  
• and a few others... ideas?
  

 

here's one:

[StoicHusband]

Rarely if ever have I seen someone so delusional...

 

You don't even know us. You have no full understanding of our history. I have my reasons for thinking the way I do.

 

She is gone and no self respecting man would ever want her back.

 

I have self-respect. I want her back.

 

And of course she was screwing him before she left. That is why she left.

 

The reasons she left are much likely other than what you think.

 

I am begging you to get a grip on reality...

 

Duly noted. Begging is a sign of wanting control when you have none.

 

I appreciate your input, I realize I asked for it. I haven't given up on my marriage. It's not a high-school fling. I've moved on, I'm doing the things I need to do. I'm living in reality.

 

Yes. She's gone. Why is it so important to you for others to give up on their marriage(s)? Is it because you gave up on a similar one?

 

Marriage is important. I realize I may be the only person who feels this way and saying so opens me up to more insults from you. I'm really not concerned with what people like you think about it.

 

In ten years (a wonderful decade) we never had any problems that we couldn't solve. If once in that time, she has doubts and makes (what I believe is a mistake) I can forgive her because, without a doubt, I've made a few myself.

 

Monogamy ain't what it used to be. My wife may be in a weird place in her life. If that's the case I'll be here for her.

 

Again, thanks... but no thanks on this advice.

[Marc878]

I do want her back. She is my wife and we've been together for ten years. That may sound crazy but we were very good together. I'm honestly under the impression that she is having an early midlife crisis.

 

Making excuses for her won't get you much.

 

She is with another guy now, she insists that she and this dude were "just friends" until she left and moved directly in with him. I am not sure how much I believe of that, but I haven't been able to find any time in the last months that wasn't accounted for. I doubt there was an opportunity for anything physical and we were still VERY active in an intimate since until the week she left (PMS is downtime for us).

 

Cheaters lie a lot. You are in denial.

 

She really does see herself as outside the relationship. I understand that and I'm not perfect either, she had reasons to leave... this is true.

 

Betrayed spouse syndrome. I made her screw other man? Really?

 

I still have hope for my marriage. Call me nuts.

 

Thank you very much for your input though, I wanted to just make sure I haven't acted like an ass, you have pretty much confirmed that my response was: A. Not what she expected and B. Not childish on my part.

 

Worried about making her mad as she is and has been cheating on you? Check the online history of your phone bill

 

I can control interactions with my wife, though. I can't change her decision but I can change the next interaction if there is damage to prepare. I understand stoicism, even if I have my struggles with applying it. I'm a worrier, that's why I adopted the teachings in the first place.

 

Positive influences:

1. All the family we have is hers.
   
2. All the time he's been here she helped keep a roof over our heads.
   
3. She is immensely funny.
   
4. We are still growing as people.
   

 

 

Again, thanks for your input it is very helpful. It really does make me feel better just to know I didn't come off crazy, and to know that I have handled it gently, as you say.

 

I do want my wife back, I have to let her go and I understand that. She is having a difficult time and it's only going to get worse, honestly. Real life is catching up to her fast.

 

Nope, poor muffin is having the time of her life

 

She had told me on Jan 7 that she had an appointment for divorce papers this week, still no papers. She's struggling with money obviously... probably due to spending.

 

I am convinced that she will eventually realize that I was not the entire problem and feel badly about what she's done. I realize she still may not come back, but that is the resolution I hope for.

 

Until then, everything I've said still applies. My son and I are making all the moves to improve our lives every day.

 

I'm not improving for her, but for myself. I know I can be better and underneath, yes it is to make myself the better option. If not for her, for the next woman.

 

Thanks to everyone and to the people I'm responding to, if you have further thoughts any input is very helpful.

 

If you ever wake up from your denial I imagine you're going to be pretty depressed

[SammySammy]

If she does come back, do you think she will respect you?

 

After what has transpired and you allow her to come back, would that bode well fo the quality of your marriage going forward?

[Marc878]

You don't even know us. You have no full understanding of our history. I have my reasons for thinking the way I do.

 

 

 

I have self-respect. I want her back.

 

 

 

The reasons she left are much likely other than what you think.

 

 

 

Duly noted. Begging is a sign of wanting control when you have none.

 

I appreciate your input, I realize I asked for it. I haven't given up on my marriage. It's not a high-school fling. I've moved on, I'm doing the things I need to do. I'm living in reality.

 

Yes. She's gone. Why is it so important to you for others to give up on their marriage(s)? Is it because you gave up on a similar one?

 

Marriage is important. I realize I may be the only person who feels this way and saying so opens me up to more insults from you. I'm really not concerned with what people like you think about it.

 

In ten years (a wonderful decade) we never had any problems that we couldn't solve. If once in that time, she has doubts and makes (what I believe is a mistake) I can forgive her because, without a doubt, I've made a few myself.

 

Monogamy ain't what it used to be. My wife may be in a weird place in her life. If that's the case I'll be here for her.

 

Again, thanks... but no thanks on this advice.

 

This is a very typical affair. Nothin special about it at all. Your wife is following the cheater script just like most.

 

It's just not typical for you. Most here have seen this play out over and over.

[WomenWubber]

Take your time through the infidelity forum and you will see many situations play out almost exactly like yours. Human behavior is not as invidualistic as you may think.

[StoicHusband]

If you ever wake up from your denial I imagine you're going to be pretty depressed

 

I'm denying nothing. Whatever happened in our marriage I don't deserve an unfaithful wife. <-period

 

That doesn't mean I don't still love her. You've ignored everything in my post that doesn't suit your narrative of her being an awful b***h who wants to ruin my life and rip out my manhood as a trophy. I feel like someone must've done you wrong in the past. Good luck dude.

 

I feel like I'm handling things quite well. I understand what is going on perfectly.

 

"Nope, poor muffin is having the time of her life"

 

That part cracked me up. Mainly because you don't know what our goals were, what she wanted, who she is, anything about her, really. You don't understand her financial situations, the list goes on, man. I obviously know she's on top of the world with this new man. I also know it can't last.

 

There's a vast difference between instant gratification and lasting happiness.

 

If she does come back, do you think she will respect you?

 

After what has transpired and you allow her to come back, would that bode well fo the quality of your marriage going forward?

 

She would need to respect me in order to come back.

 

That all depends, nothing would be fixed overnight. We'd both have a long way to go, I'm sure. In my opinion it's worth it.

 

This is a very typical affair. Nothin special about it at all. Your wife is following the cheater script just like most.

 

It's just not typical for you. Most here have seen this play out over and over.

 

I appreciate what you are all saying. You are kinda reading a lot into my posts though. I've seen this happen over and over on the internet. You can't relate tone of voice, attitude, emotion to what I'm typing. You're applying the emotions that others experience to a person you don't know.

 

I realize you're all doing the best you can, I'm doing my best not to be defensive. I just feel like you're talking to me as if I'm exhibiting emotions and attitudes that I'm not. That's my only point.

 

I'm being quite logical about this. It would be foolish to blame myself, it would be equally foolish to ignore my part in allowing my marriage to disintegrate.

 

Take your time through the infidelity forum and you will see many situations play out almost exactly like yours. Human behavior is not as invidualistic as you may think.

 

I appreciate that, may do so. For now it seems unnecessary because as I've said, the things you are all saying don't really apply. I've read a great deal of books, articles, personal experiences, etc. Yes, a great many things align... Not in the cynical ways that you're highlighting.

 

I've accepted that there is a slim chance she would come back, long ago. I've also accepted that there is an even slimmer chance it would work after that. I'm just not one to give up.

 

Everything I say opens me up to more insults, criticisms. That's fine. I'll still be around for any advice I can use.

 

Thanks everyone.

Edited January 17, 2018 by StoicHusband

[BrokeInside]

Hey stoic, i did not read everything, so forgive me if i did miss some stuff.

 

The veteran here just want to help you and even if all history are unique, pattern repeats and it's often the same and same and same.

 

Cheaters will cheat and liers will lie.

 

I can understand you want to save your marriage, i was in the same spot few month ago and i did try anything i could to do it but you can't save anything alone.

 

I was sticking to the idea : if i try very hard, she would see that i really love her and would come back --> results, it was totally dellusionnal and cause me way more pain today.

 

I'm a man like you : marriage, faithfulness and family are everything to my eyes but guess what : this is not the same for everyone.

 

So i can understand you want to save everything, but remember, even if you were not perfect, you did not cross the redline.

 

And sorry, but if she did move on with a guy, it's obvious they were having, at the very least, an emotionnal connection.

 

I did fall from a mountain when i did understand that my wife was with another guy during month and she lied to me, eyes to eyes so many times.

 

The best thing to do is letting go and really, it make me sad to say it because all i want is everyone to have a happy family but you have to face reality.

 

Common, you want to save a situation where she is already with some guy in another house ? The same day she left ? Is this really the person you want to be with ?

 

Imagine one moment and ask yourself if you can do something like that to her ?

 

If she can do that, she don't give a **** about you, so take control of your life, do the thing you want, rebuild yourself up and stay away from people who can betray you without a blink.

[BluesPower]

Hey stoic, i did not read everything, so forgive me if i did miss some stuff.

 

The veteran here just want to help you and even if all history are unique, pattern repeats and it's often the same and same and same.

 

Cheaters will cheat and liers will lie.

 

I can understand you want to save your marriage, i was in the same spot few month ago and i did try anything i could to do it but you can't save anything alone.

 

I was sticking to the idea : if i try very hard, she would see that i really love her and would come back --> results, it was totally dellusionnal and cause me way more pain today.

 

I'm a man like you : marriage, faithfulness and family are everything to my eyes but guess what : this is not the same for everyone.

 

So i can understand you want to save everything, but remember, even if you were not perfect, you did not cross the redline.

 

And sorry, but if she did move on with a guy, it's obvious they were having, at the very least, an emotionnal connection.

 

I did fall from a mountain when i did understand that my wife was with another guy during month and she lied to me, eyes to eyes so many times.

 

The best thing to do is letting go and really, it make me sad to say it because all i want is everyone to have a happy family but you have to face reality.

 

Common, you want to save a situation where she is already with some guy in another house ? The same day she left ? Is this really the person you want to be with ?

 

Imagine one moment and ask yourself if you can do something like that to her ?

 

If she can do that, she don't give a **** about you, so take control of your life, do the thing you want, rebuild yourself up and stay away from people who can betray you without a blink.

 

SH, please try to understand... as this post says.

 

And try to understand that the people here on LS, me included, only want what is best for you.

 

But as we all try to help you, you on the other hand are nothing but combative. Now, isn't that that one of the problems that your STBXW had issues with, you getting upset, combative, unwavering and negative.

 

See, the issues that you are feeling, the things that you are going through, the mistakes that you are and have made, we all understand. You know why, because many of us have made them, sometimes more than once.

 

Let's look over some of your thread, just the highlights:

 

1) you were in a bad place before a lot of this happened. Out of work, hostile, internet troll type of stuff.

 

2) you could not have been feeling good about yourself. I get that, I have been in some of those places myself.

 

3) your wife finally leaves. But one of her big issues was that your son came to live with you. (Which BTW you never explained why)

 

And basically your wife does not like the way that you are raising your son. So in reality, you were really a mess, and you realize that.

 

4) you endeavor to get yourself together and become a better man, commendable at every level. Better for you and most of all better for your son.

 

5) wife leaves. At that point, you realize that she has been having an affair. And you believe that it is all your fault.

 

End of list. Now, while you were far from perfect, you did not cause your wife to cheat. She could have left and filed for divorce like other adults do, but she did not.

 

So now, even with all that you have realized about yourself, you seem halfway convinced that if you keep it together, become a better man, a better father, get and keep a job, that the is a chance that she will run back into your arms and everything will be fine.

 

THAT IS COMPLETLY DELOUSIONAL. Is there a chance that she may get back together with you, yes. But you would be better off spending your entire paycheck on power ball lotto tickets, which means that the odd are almost 0% that she will ever come back.

 

As you continue to improve yourself, there are several things that you may want to understand as you move forward.

 

1) Your wife does not in anyway understand that your son has to be your main priority.

 

2) She lied to you for who knows how long about the affair that she was having. And with out a doubt, it went on for a while, and they had been sleeping together for the entire affair.

 

3) Women, want strong men, not over bearing men. They want men that are together, decisive, employed good providers. The want a man that makes them feel safe. Until recently, you were none of those things. You are starting to be now.

 

4) By making yourself available to her, letting it be known that you would take her back in a heartbeat, this makes you look weak and unattractive to not only her, but to all women.

 

5) Any thoughts of saving your marriage, are wasted energy. While it is your energy to waste, it will never help you heal from what your wife has done to you.

 

So what we are saying is this: you need to let her and the marriage go. Not because we all have let ours go, but because it is what is actually best for you. It will help you heal. It will allow you to focus on the rest of your life and your son.

 

It is what is best for you, even though you cannot see it.

 

And like Broken says, he just went though this, he tried everything you are trying and he is saying that, the marriage is over, and as a strong man, you should not allow a lying, cheating wife back into your life.

 

We don't say this to hurt your feelings. We are saying it because we have all lived it in one way or another...

[BarbedFenceRider]

So, OP are you guys still legally attached? Or has a legal separation been placed in effect. I am thinking of his liability for anything ww does outside the relationship could affect him in a even more negative way....

[doyathinkso]

StoicHusband ......

 

Stoic? No.

 

Stubborn? Yes.

 

Stubborn as a mule and twice as smart.

[StoicHusband]

The veteran here just want to help you and even if all history are unique, pattern repeats and it's often the same and same and same.

 

I can understand you want to save your marriage,

 

I was sticking to the idea : if i try very hard, she would see that i really love her and would come back -->

 

I'm a man like you : marriage, faithfulness and family are everything to my eyes but guess what : this is not the same for everyone.

 

So i can understand you want to save everything, but remember, even if you were not perfect, you did not cross the redline.

 

And sorry, but if she did move on with a guy, it's obvious they were having, at the very least, an emotionnal connection.

 

The best thing to do is letting go

 

Is this really the person you want to be with ?

 

If she can do that, she don't give a **** about you

 

 

The "veteran" (the person who has posted 4000 times, nearly, telling people not to have any hope at all and to immediately give up on any chance of reconciliation) is actually being quite abrasive and applying their own attitude to my posts.

 

I'm glad you understand I want my wife back. Understand I have also moved on.

 

This is not the idea I'm sticking to. She is likely gone, I'm already seeking out new relationships, changing my routine, etc. That doesn't mean I'm going to turn my back on someone I've known for ten years. I've never thrown a person away, I don't intend to start with her.

 

It is good to see there are other men like me out there, sorry it's not working out for you. Remember there is always hope. What are a few months next to a decade (especially if it was as wonderful as the one she and I spent together.)

 

I was aware something was going on, even if she wouldn't talk about it, when I tried to talk, she became very aggressive. Blamed me and left.

 

I'm letting go.

 

I do want to be with her.

 

She obviously cares, otherwise she would not have done so much to make me the bad guy, ease her conscience, etc.

 

Thanks for the reply. I just feel like you're falling into the internet trap of looking at how -other people have responded- rather than -how I am actually responding.

 

And try to understand that the people here on LS, me included, only want what is best for you.

 

*nothing but combative

 

1) you were in a bad place...

 

2) you could not have been feeling good about yourself....

 

3) your wife finally leaves...

 

4) you endeavor...

 

5) wife leaves....

 

End of list. Now, while you were far from perfect, you did not cause your wife to cheat. She could have left and filed for divorce like other adults do, but she did not.

 

So now, even with all that you have realized about yourself, you seem halfway convinced that if you keep it together, become a better man, a better father, get and keep a job, that the is a chance that she will run back into your arms and everything will be fine.

 

THAT IS COMPLETLY DELOUSIONAL.... the odd are almost 0% that she will ever come back.

 

As you continue to improve yourself, there are several things that you may want to understand as you move forward.

 

So what we are saying is this: you need to let her and the marriage go. Not because we all have let ours go, but because it is what is actually best for you. It will help you heal. It will allow you to focus on the rest of your life and your son.

 

It is what is best for you, even though you cannot see it.

 

And like Broken says, he just went though this, he tried everything you are trying and he is saying that, the marriage is over, and as a strong man, you should not allow a lying, cheating wife back into your life.

 

We don't say this to hurt your feelings...

 

*I am actually trying very hard to stay calm and make myself clear. There is only so much a man can take when no one is actually listening and just trying to shout me down when I come here asking for advice.

 

1. I was actually well on my way to correcting those mistakes, that is why this blindsided me.

 

2. I was feeling much better, anxiety was gone, teeth were fixed, working a good job where they appreciate me, money was coming in to the house, we were all enjoying our time together.

 

3. She has since tried to ease her conscience by contacting my son. She was threatened by him because she wants children and probably saw him as an obstacle.

 

Many of the issues he and I were having were thanks to her, actually. Without her here to provide a divided front, we have no problems.

 

4. Thanks for saying so. That's the entire plan. Now I just want to -avoid sabotaging my relationship with her- (which is what the "veterans" suggest I do at every level.)

 

5. I never -once- blamed myself for the affair. I have always known why people do this. It's not about me, it's about her. I just haven't ignored the reasons why he seemed like a better option.

 

 

Delusional: Looking up stats about separation 90% of the time it ends in divorce. The chances are far from zero. In my situation I feel like the odds are worth playing. Again: I'm not going to beg, I just don't want to -sabotage- our relationship.

 

Lied for who knows how long: I cannot stress this enough. We spent every single minute outside work together for ten years. I really don't know how to make you guys understand how close we were and how sudden this change was. She came home from work for two days upset, then left... If she was sleeping with him, she was using a time machine or something.

 

Understood, you believe you are all being helpful. It's just that you are -so far off the mark- on so many things your advice is almost non-applicable.

 

Do you all really believe you can know every single relationship without ever meeting the people involved?

 

So, OP are you guys still legally attached? Or has a legal separation been placed in effect. I am thinking of his liability for anything ww does outside the relationship could affect him in a even more negative way....

 

Legally married, no legal separation... She said she was going to an appointment to get "uncontested" papers last week, never did.

 

StoicHusband ......

 

Stoic? No.

 

Stubborn? Yes.

 

Stubborn as a mule and twice as smart.

 

Again, this is your interpretation without ever meeting me and without any idea of my mindset. Anyone would become frustrated when being constantly ignored and berated.

 

I may not be someone you would describe as "stoic", I study stoic philosophy and try to apply it to my life. We all do our best.

 

One last ditch to get this thread back on track:

 

I am not being "combative" I am attempting to explain my position to people who don't care to listen or be supportive of my decision.

 

I have let my wife go, she's doing what she wants and I understand that. I simply do not want to sabotage the chance that she will return: Any further advice should, kindly, adhere to that mindset.

 

The internet trap:

 

Most people are on phones these days. I'm on a PC.

Most people type slowly. I type faster than I talk.

Most people have a poor vocabulary and bad reading comprehension. You'll find I'm above average on both.

 

I am very articulate and precise, I do stick to what I want to say, I am trying to explain things clearly and tell you all what advice is useful and what is not.

 

People don't like to hear this. It is true. You are applying your negative attitude to my posts and it is destructive. This thread is off the rails because you are all causing me to constantly explain my position over and over without actually reading what I say on the matter.

 

Please:

 

any further advice should be about how to interact with her in a way that would be conducive to reconciliation. Whether that be letting her go, how to behave in her presence, what could help us make this work if/when we do give it a try, etc.

 

I simply don't need advice on how to let her go and move on, because I'm doing well at that already. I have handled this far better than I could ever imagine I would: I have to because my son depends on me.

 

Can this PLEASE become a constructive thread again?

[SammySammy]

If you want advice “about how to interact with her in a way that would be conducive to reconciliation”, then I can’t help you.

 

My concern all along was what was best for you and your son. I don’t feel reconciliation is best for either of you.

 

It’s not realistic to think we don’t understand how you feel. We’ve been in relationships too. Loved and lost. Cheated and have been cheated on. That’s why we’re here. Because many of us have been in your shoes. We DO understand. And, as “veterans” of this site, we’ve seen this situation play out over and over again.

 

So, I cannot advise you to grovel for and prostrate yourself for a woman who cheated on you and is now living with another man. I don’t think that’s healthy for you. I don’t think that provides a good example for your son.

 

However, I do think you’re a decent guy who is trying to do his best given the circumstances. I wish you well. All the best for you and your son.

 

I’m out.

[StoicHusband]

If you want advice “about how to interact with her in a way that would be conducive to reconciliation”, then I can’t help you.

 

Thanks anyway.

 

My concern all along was what was best for you and your son. I don’t feel reconciliation is best for either of you.

 

We share this concern.

 

It’s not realistic to think we don’t understand how you feel.

 

You've done nothing to show that you do, though. You are all applying your reactions/emotions/attitudes to me. I have tried to clarify myself over and over and have been told I'm "combative".

 

So, I cannot advise you to grovel for and prostrate yourself for a woman who cheated on you and is now living with another man. I don’t think that’s healthy for you. I don’t think that provides a good example for your son.

 

I wouldn't want to do those things. I'm more looking for advice about how not to act when I do have to interact with her (you know, things I CAN control, not the things I can't) Begging would be wanting control when I don't have it.

 

However, I do think you’re a decent guy who is trying to do his best given the circumstances. I wish you well. All the best for you and your son.

Thank you very much.

 

I’m out.

Ok

 

 

This is sure better than most replies. At least he wasn't guessing what my state of mind is and treating me like I'm an idiot.

[standtall]

Stoic....why are you asking for posters opinions, but don't like it when you hear them?

 

Would like to hear what people think of that convo posted in last post...

 

There are some posters that like to encourage people to blow things out of proportion and hence bow up their marriages, there are posters that will spin sunshine out of every cheating spouse and give them a hundred chances, there are posters that have had a successful marriage after an affair. The point is if what all had the same voice, it would be a pretty boring forum and world in general. It seems that you want validation for your own narrative...which is fine, but when you ask for people's opinions, don't be cross if they give them.

 

 

 

I'm with the majority...your wife left you for someone else. What you do with that is up to you, but the odds are not in your favor. I also encourage keeping minors out of the adult drama, not giving them specifics, and making the decisions for them. This of course is dependent upon the minors age and development.

Edited January 17, 2018 by standtall

[BrokeInside]

The "veteran" (the person who has posted 4000 times, nearly, telling people not to have any hope at all and to immediately give up on any chance of reconciliation) is actually being quite abrasive and applying their own attitude to my posts.

 

I'm glad you understand I want my wife back. Understand I have also moved on.

 

This is not the idea I'm sticking to. She is likely gone, I'm already seeking out new relationships, changing my routine, etc. That doesn't mean I'm going to turn my back on someone I've known for ten years. I've never thrown a person away, I don't intend to start with her.

 

It is good to see there are other men like me out there, sorry it's not working out for you. Remember there is always hope. What are a few months next to a decade (especially if it was as wonderful as the one she and I spent together.)

 

I was aware something was going on, even if she wouldn't talk about it, when I tried to talk, she became very aggressive. Blamed me and left.

 

I'm letting go.

 

I do want to be with her.

 

She obviously cares, otherwise she would not have done so much to make me the bad guy, ease her conscience, etc.

 

Thanks for the reply. I just feel like you're falling into the internet trap of looking at how -other people have responded- rather than -how I am actually responding.

 

Nobody is taking you for an idiot.

 

I don't know if there is an internet trap but no, i'm just telling you what i ve been thinking.

 

Anyway, i'm not here to argue with anyone and i'm impressed by your state of mind and really hope everything will be fixed in the way you want.

 

But i also know , giving everything to fix a thing can be destructive. When she finally dumped me, after month of trying in my side, i was near to the end and if i had no kids, maybe i would not be here to talk to you.

 

You are the only master here, the other people just want to protect you, and if you are really thinking they are trying to take you for an idiot, maybe you are one.

[BrokeInside]

She obviously cares, otherwise she would not have done so much to make me the bad guy, ease her conscience, etc.

 

No she don't. You don't go with another guy/girl soon like that if you care about the other side.

 

If she made you the bad guy , ease her conscience ? It's just the coward thing cheaters and liers do. They can't face their behaviour so they blame others.

 

I don't know what else to say to you, i'm just tired reading the same story over and over on internet.

 

In our case, it's everytime the same story, guys who made mistakes during their marriage, then who are ready to change and try everything to save their relationship and cheating wives who don't give a **** and prefer their fantasy over their family.

[frigginlost]

The "veteran" (the person who has posted 4000 times, nearly, telling people not to have any hope at all and to immediately give up on any chance of reconciliation) is actually being quite abrasive and applying their own attitude to my posts.

 

I'm glad you understand I want my wife back. Understand I have also moved on.

 

Stoic, sadly, you have not moved on one inch. I don't think you understand what "moved on" means. Adapting to the situation you are placed in is not moved on. Not caring one bit about the person who walked out on you, nor wanting anything further to do with them in any type of romantic relationship is moved on.

 

You are a very, very, long way from that.

 

Your usage of quotes in the reply "veteran" then effectively dismissing any opinion that differs from yours, clearly indicates that you have not in any way shape or form come to the realization that you cannot bully your way to get folks to agree with you. You sir, have done nothing but proved that your political back and forth fun from the past is still very much a part of who you are.

 

Do you really want a shot at your wife? Do you really want to do what is best for your son? Do you really want to feel whole again? Do you really want to know what "moved on" is?

 

Then go complete and total NC with the woman who was sucking another mans d*ck behind your back. And don't think she didn't, because she did. Talk to her only in brief one or two words when you need to. She has absolutely no respect for you. Go against every single fiber of your being of wanting to "discuss" things with her and just disappear. That is your only shot.

 

But I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. As you jam respect right down her throat by remaining silent, you're going to realize something in time: You wouldn't want to touch her again with your worse enemy's d*ck...

 

Man-up.

Edited January 17, 2018 by frigginlost

[Be_Strong]

You are all applying your reactions/emotions/attitudes to me.

What exactly are you expecting people to do on this forum when you ask them for advice? Everybody here pulls from their own life experiences when answering questions on this forum. That’s the whole value of this forum—you’re receiving the benefit of learning from a whole host of people who have lived through similar situations.

 

As the person asking for advice, it’s your responsibility to analyze the answers given and decide the weight to give them. Everyone understands that no two situations are exactly the same. That’s called life, and pretty much applies to all decisions you make throughout your life. You pull from experience with similar situations in your past, and then try to make a choice for the current situation.

 

If you feel like members aren’t answering your exact question, simply post a clarification. Instead of going off on your rant, a brief post saying something like “assuming I’m keeping the option of reconciliation open with my wife, what advice can you give for how I should interact with her going forward?” would have done the job. If you receive follow up posts saying “you’re a fool! don’t reconcile” simply disregard those posts if you don’t like them.

[StoicHusband]

Stoic....why are you asking for posters opinions, but don't like it when you hear them?

 

I'm asking that people stick to the advice I've asked for. Nothing more.

 

There are some posters that like to encourage people to blow things out of proportion and hence bow up their marriages, there are posters that will spin sunshine out of every cheating spouse and give them a hundred chances, there are posters that have had a successful marriage after an affair. The point is if what all had the same voice, it would be a pretty boring forum and world in general. It seems that you want validation for your own narrative...which is fine, but when you ask for people's opinions, don't be cross if they give them.

 

This is all true. Again, though, it's intentionally rude to berate someone with unhelpful information when you don't know the full situation, the people involved, the entire history, etc. It's quite childish to think all relationships are the same. I hope I'm being easy enough to understand.

I'm with the majority...your wife left you for someone else. What you do with that is up to you, but the odds are not in your favor. I also encourage keeping minors out of the adult drama, not giving them specifics, and making the decisions for them. This of course is dependent upon the minors age and development.

 

Nobody is taking you for an idiot.

 

I don't know if there is an internet trap but no, i'm just telling you what i ve been thinking.

 

Anyway, i'm not here to argue with anyone and i'm impressed by your state of mind and really hope everything will be fixed in the way you want.

 

Thank you for saying so, please feel free to let me know about any positive experiences you've had/seen with situations like mine.

 

But i also know , giving everything to fix a thing can be destructive. When she finally dumped me, after month of trying in my side, i was near to the end and if i had no kids, maybe i would not be here to talk to you.

 

I'm not making a list of promises. There are things about myself that I don't like, I was working on me when she left, I'm continuing to do so now that she's gone.

 

You are the only master here, the other people just want to protect you, and if you are really thinking they are trying to take you for an idiot, maybe you are one.

 

They have continually ignored what I've said and talked to me like I'm someone they know from previous encounters. This is not how people would act in-person. This is an internet thing, obviously.

 

No she don't. You don't go with another guy/girl soon like that if you care about the other side.

 

If she made you the bad guy , ease her conscience ? It's just the coward thing cheaters and liers do. They can't face their behaviour so they blame others.

Fair enough.

 

I don't know what else to say to you, i'm just tired reading the same story over and over on internet.

Feel free to disengage with my thread. I'm not a cynic and never will be.

 

In our case, it's everytime the same story, guys who made mistakes during their marriage, then who are ready to change and try everything to save their relationship and cheating wives who don't give a **** and prefer their fantasy over their family.

This is a thought I've had to accept as well. It's not pretty, and it's possible. I'm just uncertain that's where we are. Her actions since leaving really don't dictate this sort of mentality.

 

 

Thanks everyone. I'm working today, also helping my son with schoolwork, and trying a new church this evening (never been to one). I may not be around much but do feel free to leave replies.

 

Even the hateful, rude ones are helpful in their way. I'm only trying to help people give the most pertinent replies they can. Don't take that as not wanting their opinions/dodging the truth.

 

Do understand, I won't respond to replies that are only made with the intention of being hurtful. As if the human mind isn't capable of drudging these things up without help.

 

The people who post that crap honestly have no business on a forum about marriage problems.

[frigginlost]

Thanks everyone. I'm working today, also helping my son with schoolwork, and trying a new church this evening (never been to one). I may not be around much but do feel free to leave replies.

 

Even the hateful, rude ones are helpful in their way. I'm only trying to help people give the most pertinent replies they can. Don't take that as not wanting their opinions/dodging the truth.

 

Do understand, I won't respond to replies that are only made with the intention of being hurtful. As if the human mind isn't capable of drudging these things up without help.

 

The people who post that crap honestly have no business on a forum about marriage problems.

 

Neither do those who ask for opinions and when given some based on their own life experiences they bury their head in the sand or lash out.

 

It is you with all the "correct" answers that does not belong on a forum asking for opinions about marriage problems. You already have all the answers.

 

How's that working out for you so far?

 

Folks are tough on people here for the benefit of the person they are trying to help. They want the best for that person. Learn that.

Edited January 17, 2018 by frigginlost