wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[StoicHusband]

" bury their head in the sand or lash out."

 

Again, this is you applying your attitude to my posts. You really should try to read more objectively.

[Be_Strong]

Stoic,

 

I took my wife back after a long term affair and attempted to reconcile. When I mentioned on this forum that I was doing so, I faced some very harsh posts that essentially were telling me what an idiot I was for doing so. Some members here are simply more blunt than others with their opinions and don’t sugar coat their thoughts. I never once took it personally or believed that there were being hurtful. They were taking time to respond to me. And to be honest,even if somebody was trying to be a jerk, they were nothing more than an anonymous person behind a keyboard that was easy to ignore.

 

Likewise, I don’t think anyone here is trying to be purposefully mean or rude to you. You are right that nobody here knows your wife more than you or knows your situation as well as you do. Even though there are a lot of universal truths and common elements in these stories, every case is unique. Absorb all of the advice you are given and then it’s solely on you to decide how to apply it to your life.

[frigginlost]

Again, this is you applying your attitude to my posts. You really should try to read more objectively.

 

"There are none so blind as those who will not see"

 

Best of luck to you...

[Be_Strong]

To answer your specific question, if you want to keep reconciliation an option, do the following:

1. In your interactions with her, stay polite, good natured and happy. People are naturally drawn to other people that are happy and wear smiles on their faces. Nobody wants to be with a sad, angry or depressed person.

2. Reconciliation has to be HER IDEA. In fact, she need to be practically begging for it in order for it to work. You should never unilaterally drop hints to her. Don’t say, “I think someday we could get back together and make this work again.” If SHE says the above, then you may reply with reserved agreement—“I guess anything is possible, and in the right circumstances I may be willing to try.”

3. Limit contact with her as much as possible. Rarity makes an item more valuable. The less she interacts with you, the more likely she’ll want to be with you. It’s ok for you to randomly contact her, BUT YOU MUST NOT INITIATE CONTACT WITH HER MORE THAN SHE INITIATES WITH YOU. If she’s calling you five times a week, feel free to give her a call once a week. If she calls you once every two weeks, you don’t call her more than once a month. Get the idea?

4. Move on with your life. Get a girlfriend. If your wife has any feelings left for you, a new girlfriend will be the absolute most effective way to get her racing back to you. It’s absolutely amazing how a man’s value soars in the eyes of a woman when she sees the man being given attention by another woman. It of course works the other way as well with men. A husband may ignore his wife for five years, but when he finds out another man is in love with his wife and having an affair, all of a sudden the husband desperately wants his wife. The number one thing that got my wife interested in me again was the attention I was receiving from other women. She was utterly confused by how jealous she was feeling, and she interpreted those feelings as “I must still be in love with him”.

5. Friend zone your wife. Treat her like a friend you have no romantic interest in and no relationship history. The only exception is to throw in random, but seldom, sexual comments that are decidedly not friend-zone to keep the prospect of you as a lover in her mind. For example, a random comment like, “your butt sure looks good in those jeans.”

6. Do everything you are doing to improve yourself as a person and make yourself an attractive mate.

[whichwayisup]

Put a time limit on this (meaning how long are you willing to wait for her). Right now you've accepted things as they are in the best way possible but what happens if you meet someone who captures your heart? Or if she gets more serious with the OM?

 

Can you see yourself in a year or two waiting and hoping? Even though you're living your life, what happens if she then decides she wants you back after so much time has gone by?

 

You're gonna do what you're gonna do ... Just shield your heart from her because she has the potential still to really mess you up.

[mrs rubble]

Again, this is you applying your attitude to my posts. You really should try to read more objectively.

You'd do well to follow your own advice here, I have read the whole thread and you come across a lot more rude to the people who've tried to help you than they do in my opinion.

Read be strong's advice above^^ that is the only way you're going to get what you want.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

To answer your specific question, if you want to keep reconciliation an option, do the following:

1. In your interactions with her, stay polite, good natured and happy. People are naturally drawn to other people that are happy and wear smiles on their faces. Nobody wants to be with a sad, angry or depressed person.

2. Reconciliation has to be HER IDEA. In fact, she need to be practically begging for it in order for it to work. You should never unilaterally drop hints to her. Don’t say, “I think someday we could get back together and make this work again.” If SHE says the above, then you may reply with reserved agreement—“I guess anything is possible, and in the right circumstances I may be willing to try.”

3. Limit contact with her as much as possible. Rarity makes an item more valuable. The less she interacts with you, the more likely she’ll want to be with you. It’s ok for you to randomly contact her, BUT YOU MUST NOT INITIATE CONTACT WITH HER MORE THAN SHE INITIATES WITH YOU. If she’s calling you five times a week, feel free to give her a call once a week. If she calls you once every two weeks, you don’t call her more than once a month. Get the idea?

4. Move on with your life. Get a girlfriend. If your wife has any feelings left for you, a new girlfriend will be the absolute most effective way to get her racing back to you. It’s absolutely amazing how a man’s value soars in the eyes of a woman when she sees the man being given attention by another woman. It of course works the other way as well with men. A husband may ignore his wife for five years, but when he finds out another man is in love with his wife and having an affair, all of a sudden the husband desperately wants his wife. The number one thing that got my wife interested in me again was the attention I was receiving from other women. She was utterly confused by how jealous she was feeling, and she interpreted those feelings as “I must still be in love with him”.

5. Friend zone your wife. Treat her like a friend you have no romantic interest in and no relationship history. The only exception is to throw in random, but seldom, sexual comments that are decidedly not friend-zone to keep the prospect of you as a lover in her mind. For example, a random comment like, “your butt sure looks good in those jeans.”

6. Do everything you are doing to improve yourself as a person and make yourself an attractive mate.

 

^THIS^!! I just wrote a long reply and then saw this post that said everything I said... but waaay better than I said it!

 

You don't need to believe Strong, just google "women are attracted to unavailable men" and read the 1000's of articles on the subject. Or you can google "women are attracted to needy available men" and read the ZERO articles on that subject.

 

Good luck to you sir, I was where you were, I was hurting, I wanted my ex back, I never thought I could do better... it's been just over 1 year now, I've done WAY better, my ex has tried to come back twice and I've told her NO!! You'll be there too, it's all about improving your self worth.

[BarbedFenceRider]

You mentioned that you cannot just throw people out of your life...This is not a good stance to have. There are toxic relationships that linger on and on. And it affects others around their immediate circle. Kids, inlaws, work...you name it! And ultimately, ruin healthy lives for the people involved. Removing negativity (including people) opens areas in your life where positive attributes can move in...Think about that.

I've mentioned negative cycles in other threads and it applies here too. You and your STBXW are in one. And in her case...She is checked out. She is also, very narcissistic, stringing you along for attention all the while shacked up with another man. What does the kiddos see in all of this behavior? It can't be healthy. But, what are you to do about it? All that you can.

You are a good father and a dutiful man. Be the best for the kids and the people that are positive in your life. Let the negative stuff go, and wash your hands of it. You deserve better.

[StoicHusband]

Stoic,

 

I took my wife back after a long term affair and attempted to reconcile. When I mentioned on this forum that I was doing so, I faced some very harsh posts that essentially were telling me what an idiot I was for doing so. Some members here are simply more blunt than others with their opinions and don’t sugar coat their thoughts. I never once took it personally or believed that there were being hurtful. They were taking time to respond to me. And to be honest,even if somebody was trying to be a jerk, they were nothing more than an anonymous person behind a keyboard that was easy to ignore.

 

Likewise, I don’t think anyone here is trying to be purposefully mean or rude to you. You are right that nobody here knows your wife more than you or knows your situation as well as you do. Even though there are a lot of universal truths and common elements in these stories, every case is unique. Absorb all of the advice you are given and then it’s solely on you to decide how to apply it to your life.

 

Solid, thanks. I really am trying to make myself clear. I suppose I am trying to get blood from a turnip in some cases. I blame it on my impatience. I will make my best effort to apply this advice.

 

Best of luck to you...

 

Thank you, kindly.

 

To answer your specific question, if you want to keep reconciliation an option, do the following:

1. In your interactions with her, stay polite, good natured and happy. People are naturally drawn to other people that are happy and wear smiles on their faces. Nobody wants to be with a sad, angry or depressed person.

 

I think I've done my best on this so far. I'll redouble my efforts.

 

2. Reconciliation has to be HER IDEA. In fact, she need to be practically begging for it in order for it to work. You should never unilaterally drop hints to her. Don’t say, “I think someday we could get back together and make this work again.” If SHE says the above, then you may reply with reserved agreement—“I guess anything is possible, and in the right circumstances I may be willing to try.”

This I've already accepted long ago. Begging isn't gonna do it.

 

3. Limit contact with her as much as possible. Rarity makes an item more valuable. The less she interacts with you, the more likely she’ll want to be with you. It’s ok for you to randomly contact her, BUT YOU MUST NOT INITIATE CONTACT WITH HER MORE THAN SHE INITIATES WITH YOU. If she’s calling you five times a week, feel free to give her a call once a week. If she calls you once every two weeks, you don’t call her more than once a month. Get the idea?

 

I hope I'm applying this right so far. I'm going to refer to this. Thank you.

 

4. Move on with your life. Get a girlfriend. If your wife has any feelings left for you, a new girlfriend will be the absolute most effective way to get her racing back to you. It’s absolutely amazing how a man’s value soars in the eyes of a woman when she sees the man being given attention by another woman. It of course works the other way as well with men. A husband may ignore his wife for five years, but when he finds out another man is in love with his wife and having an affair, all of a sudden the husband desperately wants his wife. The number one thing that got my wife interested in me again was the attention I was receiving from other women. She was utterly confused by how jealous she was feeling, and she interpreted those feelings as “I must still be in love with him”.

I've started going out, I haven't had the desire to be around other women, perhaps I should force it. I find it difficult because of so many environmental factors and the heavy workload I'm under. I need to put forth more of an effort.

 

5. Friend zone your wife. Treat her like a friend you have no romantic interest in and no relationship history. The only exception is to throw in random, but seldom, sexual comments that are decidedly not friend-zone to keep the prospect of you as a lover in her mind. For example, a random comment like, “your butt sure looks good in those jeans.”

 

Solid. As soon as I can stop my knee jerk reactions I'll apply this wholeheartedly.

 

6. Do everything you are doing to improve yourself as a person and make yourself an attractive mate.

I think I'm doing well. I've been more engaged with my son, working out and I'm seeing gains of muscle and loss of fat. I'm in 34s for the first time in years. Had to get new jeans and all. It's encouraging to hear this. I've also responded to her in ways she doesn't expect me to, I'm usually a big pushover for her, a loyal hound.

 

 

Put a time limit on this (meaning how long are you willing to wait for her). Right now you've accepted things as they are in the best way possible but what happens if you meet someone who captures your heart? Or if she gets more serious with the OM?

 

I have a grasp on this reality. This can't go on forever. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Can you see yourself in a year or two waiting and hoping? Even though you're living your life, what happens if she then decides she wants you back after so much time has gone by? No, maybe... I really need to learn to love myself a bit more. I've joined a church that accepts atheists and people from all walks of life. I'm trying to find what I've been missing.

 

You're gonna do what you're gonna do ... Just shield your heart from her because she has the potential still to really mess you up.

That's realistic. She has a power over me for sure. I can't put into words how much she changed my life for the better. I'll be careful, I've noticed I'm going to have to be. She's turned vicious.

 

You'd do well to follow your own advice here, I have read the whole thread and you come across a lot more rude to the people who've tried to help you than they do in my opinion.

 

I'm sorry if I've given that impression. I've done my best to follow my own advice for sure. I suppose I just need to learn to ignore some people.

 

^THIS^!! I just wrote a long reply and then saw this post that said everything I said... but waaay better than I said it!

 

You don't need to believe Strong, just google "women are attracted to unavailable men" and read the 1000's of articles on the subject. Or you can google "women are attracted to needy available men" and read the ZERO articles on that subject.

 

Good luck to you sir, I was where you were, I was hurting, I wanted my ex back, I never thought I could do better... it's been just over 1 year now, I've done WAY better, my ex has tried to come back twice and I've told her NO!! You'll be there too, it's all about improving your self worth.

 

Very encouraging. I've had similar thoughts. I know my value and I can't even think like "I'm nothing without her". That's not even close to where I'm at. I'm just still in the place that I want her back. I always figured I'd spend time on myself if things ever went south with her.

 

You mentioned that you cannot just throw people out of your life...This is not a good stance to have. There are toxic relationships that linger on and on. And it affects others around their immediate circle. Kids, inlaws, work...you name it! And ultimately, ruin healthy lives for the people involved. Removing negativity (including people) opens areas in your life where positive attributes can move in...Think about that.

I think it's important to understand that you can have a problem with people, wish them to go their own way, etc., yet still hold on to any relationship. You just have to change the nature of said relationship and how you respond to their influence. It's something I've learned over time. It does take discipline and most people just decide to tell them "kick rocks".

 

I've mentioned negative cycles in other threads and it applies here too. You and your STBXW are in one. And in her case...She is checked out.

 

Yes, she displays all the signs of having lost attraction. Everything I say pisses her off even if it is over domestic matters and no matter how I try to communicate it. The only way to fix this is to focus on me. I get that and I'm making every attempt.

She is also, very narcissistic, (true) stringing you along for attention all the while shacked up with another man. What does the kiddos see in all of this behavior? It can't be healthy. But, what are you to do about it? All that you can.

 

You are a good father and a dutiful man.

 

Sometimes even the best people need to hear this. Thank you.

 

Be the best for the kids and the people that are positive in your life. Let the negative stuff go, and wash your hands of it. You deserve better.

 

No one deserves this treatment, I understand that. Thanks for the advice.

 

I almost gave up on this thread: I say this with all sincerity and it really is a question... Can no one else see a difference between this last round of responses and the ones I was getting when I posted the comments that everyone is berating me about?

 

I'm doing my best here. I should have ignored the unhelpful people. I'll do better in the future.

 

Thanks to everyone. I'm glad I checked on the thread again.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Alot of people have done the SAME EXACT THING you are doing. It ain't new. Sure there are some stellar thread posters that make superman look like a chump. But for the most, this is not something anyone wants. Exacting pain upon another human being is unfathomable. And infidelity takes that with spades. My heart goes out to all of you. And OP, keep posting. Cathartic is healthy, we get it....

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

any further advice should be about how to interact with her in a way that would be conducive to reconciliation. Whether that be letting her go, how to behave in her presence, what could help us make this work if/when we do give it a try, etc.

 

Love her without expecting anything in return --- and keep doing that until death-do-us-part.

 

Don't stalk her, don't pester her, don't make any demands.

 

If she has told you not to do something, then stop doing it. For instance, if she says "don't call me" -- then true love will honor that.

 

Don't love-bomb her, because that is usually a sign that someone is expecting to get something in return.

 

In other words, show love and kindness in normal amounts, but if she doesn't want gifts, flowers, etc., then stop doing that.

 

Support her departure and even help her transition into a new life without you.

 

Be thankful for the time you were able to share with her.

 

I've been without my wife for over 5 years physically, and 10 years emotionally. I'm not going to support her transition forever, but I wanted to give her a fair shot at making it on her own. She wanted separation, and true love sets people free if that is what they want.

 

For me personally, I'm grateful for the 20 years my wife shared with me, so I have no problem showing love by giving some money, helping to pay her rent, etc., even though I get zero, and i do mean zero, in return.

 

StoicHusband, I'm sorry you are facing this situation, but either way you choose to take, there are folks on this board to offer some advice.

 

If you want to file divorce and get it over with, there are plenty of helpful tidbits on how to proceed.

 

If you want to hang in there, and honor your vow until-death-do-you-part, then there are folks that can offer some help too.

 

Wishing you well in your journey!!

Edited January 21, 2018 by LancasterAmos1966
Grammar issues

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

XXX

 

SINGLE WORST ADVICE I'VE EVER READ! I deleted the quoted text.. shouldn't be displayed here again.

 

What he meant to say:

 

- She's no longer deserving of your love. People earn that, she lost it. She already broke the "death do you part" section.

 

- Don't ever contact her again. If she texts/calls you.. you wait a minimum of 3 days before you answer.

 

- If she tells you to not do something.. you do it more. If you send her flowers.. you should be slapped.

 

- Don't love bomb her, but definitely stop by her house one day, bomb her bathroom and don't flush. Only bombing she deserves.

 

- In other words, if you send her flowers or anything you should be slapped.

 

- Support her departure by never contacting her again. If she needs help.. give her a swift kick in the rear on the way out.

 

- Pay for her rent so she has a place to bring all the men she's having sex with.. that isn't you.

 

- Be grateful for your time together.. because she's taught you what to not look for in a woman going down the road.

[LancasterAmos1966]

The OP asked for non-divorce help, and I provided that.

 

He asked for comments to possibly help reconcile. I offered my sincere opinion.

 

If the OP hurts her, hates her, is mean to her -- this might make the OP feel good for a few minutes, but it sure won't help to restore the relationship.

[whichwayisup]

She may have brought the best out in you and made you a better person but not any more. That woman you fell in love with is gone. Replaced is a (as you say) vicious person who is selfish and hurtful. This isn't someone you want to put effort into and try to salvage things until she gets help and can prove to you in actions that she has changed and wants what you want.

[frigginlost]

Alot of people have done the SAME EXACT THING you are doing. It ain't new. Sure there are some stellar thread posters that make superman look like a chump. But for the most, this is not something anyone wants. Exacting pain upon another human being is unfathomable. And infidelity takes that with spades. My heart goes out to all of you. And OP, keep posting. Cathartic is healthy, we get it....

 

Op, do exactly what Barbed is saying; keep posting.

 

Believe it or not, the good, the bad, the nice, the mean, the to the point, and the distant hints, all do one thing: They help you heal.

 

There is not one person on these boards that has not felt the pain you are feeling. Some may have not been to the extent of utter devastation that some of us have, but every single one on these boards can relate.

 

My honest opinion of you based on what you wrote, is that you are a pretty stand up guy with a hell of a good heart that is loyal as f*ck. I get it. I'm loyal to an absolute fault. I fought everybody I knew who were wicked honest with me when they were working me through the emotional torture of being cheated on. I simply did not want to hear it and I lashed out hard on those who were brutally honest with me. As I look back now, I am absolutely thankful for them. I would have remained blind...

 

Carry one thing with you and try to believe it. It's the hardest thing you will have to realize; The woman you fell in love with is dead. She is not the same person now. That woman is gone, never to return. I know you wish of a return just as we all did, but even if she did return, the odds of that same woman returning as you knew her is gone. You would have to rebuild and sadly the reality is, it takes time and distance before a rebuild. This is why so many reconciliations break down. It takes a massive, massive, massive amount of work to do it, unless there has been significant time that has passed.

 

Keep doing what you are doing, but please limit your interactions with her for your own well being.

 

And again, continue to post!

Edited January 22, 2018 by frigginlost

[sandylee1]

Excellent post from @Be_strong

 

Your son doesn't need her in his life and her going behind ypur back to contact him was very wrong of her.

 

I'm glad you put her straight on that front.

[StoicHusband]

Alot of people have done the SAME EXACT THING you are doing. It ain't new. Sure there are some stellar thread posters that make superman look like a chump. But for the most, this is not something anyone wants. Exacting pain upon another human being is unfathomable. And infidelity takes that with spades. My heart goes out to all of you. And OP, keep posting. Cathartic is healthy, we get it....

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

Love her without expecting anything in return --- and keep doing that until death-do-us-part.

 

Don't stalk her, don't pester her, don't make any demands.

 

This is pretty standard...

 

If she has told you not to do something, then stop doing it. For instance, if she says "don't call me" -- then true love will honor that.

 

Still with ya...

 

Don't love-bomb her, because that is usually a sign that someone is expecting to get something in return.

Sure, obviously... Why say it when it won't be reciprocated.

 

In other words, show love and kindness in normal amounts, but if she doesn't want gifts, flowers, etc., then stop doing that.

I absolutely KNOW this would be interpreted as bribery/begging.

 

Support her departure and even help her transition into a new life without you.

Okay... what?

 

Be thankful for the time you were able to share with her.

I won't let her turn me against our marriage... sure... that's solid.

 

I've been without my wife for over 5 years physically, and 10 years emotionally. I'm not going to support her transition forever, but I wanted to give her a fair shot at making it on her own. She wanted separation, and true love sets people free if that is what they want.

You're still sane at this point, mostly... But I ain't helping her do anything.

 

For me personally, I'm grateful for the 20 years my wife shared with me, so I have no problem showing love by giving some money, helping to pay her rent, etc., even though I get zero, and i do mean zero, in return.

What in the world do you think this accomplishes? You're literally paying her to leave you. You're enabling her.

 

StoicHusband, I'm sorry you are facing this situation, but either way you choose to take, there are folks on this board to offer some advice.

Sure... People have been great so far (well, 50/50). One round is good advice... next is seemingly abusive ones.

 

If you want to file divorce and get it over with, there are plenty of helpful tidbits on how to proceed.

Nah, I'm really not into it. If she wants that she doesn't need me.

 

If you want to hang in there, and honor your vow until-death-do-you-part, then there are folks that can offer some help too.

I still have hope for my marriage (even with the new news I'm about to post.) But, that's mostly because it seems like she lost her friggin mind.

 

Wishing you well in your journey!!

And you, dude... goo luck with your ex and all that. You need to stop paying her tho.

 

SINGLE WORST ADVICE I'VE EVER READ! I deleted the quoted text.. shouldn't be displayed here again.

 

What he meant to say:

 

- She's no longer deserving of your love. People earn that, she lost it. She already broke the "death do you part" section.

 

- Don't ever contact her again. If she texts/calls you.. you wait a minimum of 3 days before you answer.

 

- If she tells you to not do something.. you do it more. If you send her flowers.. you should be slapped.

 

- Don't love bomb her, but definitely stop by her house one day, bomb her bathroom and don't flush. Only bombing she deserves.

 

- In other words, if you send her flowers or anything you should be slapped.

 

- Support her departure by never contacting her again. If she needs help.. give her a swift kick in the rear on the way out.

 

- Pay for her rent so she has a place to bring all the men she's having sex with.. that isn't you.

 

- Be grateful for your time together.. because she's taught you what to not look for in a woman going down the road.

 

Very good correction. I'm basically just not the revenge type, but still this cracked me up, thanks.

 

The OP asked for non-divorce help, and I provided that.

 

He asked for comments to possibly help reconcile. I offered my sincere opinion.

Dude, not to be harsh... Your opinion is that I should be her sugardaddy while she bangs some other dude. That's not "non-divorce advice" that is... just sick.

If the OP hurts her, hates her, is mean to her -- this might make the OP feel good for a few minutes, but it sure won't help to restore the relationship.

These are never going to happen. I am a fan of reality.

 

She may have brought the best out in you and made you a better person but not any more. That woman you fell in love with is gone. Replaced is a (as you say) vicious person who is selfish and hurtful. This isn't someone you want to put effort into and try to salvage things until she gets help and can prove to you in actions that she has changed and wants what you want.

 

This is 100% true. Thanks for posting.

 

keep posting.

I will, thanks.

 

My honest opinion of you based on what you wrote, is that you are a pretty stand up guy with a hell of a good heart that is loyal as f*ck. I get it.

I'm glad to know someone does.

 

...brutally honest...

Eh, there's a difference between honesty and cruelty. I'm not denying what she's doing/done... I don't need people putting images in my head. I have quite the active imagination already. That doesn't change the high opinion I have of myself.

 

The woman you fell in love with is dead. She is not the same person now. That woman is gone, never to return. I know you wish of a return just as we all did, but even if she did return, the odds of that same woman returning as you knew her is gone.

 

Yeah, I get that. I know it would take time to rebuild and I don't want things to be the same. Just as she has I've learned things from this and realized our old marriage needed to die.

 

You would have to rebuild and sadly the reality is, it takes time and distance before a rebuild.

I just worry because she is in a mad rush for divorce...

 

Keep doing what you are doing, but please limit your interactions with her for your own well being.

I've taken this to heart, thank you.

 

And again, continue to post!

 

Excellent post from @Be_strong

 

Your son doesn't need her in his life and her going behind ypur back to contact him was very wrong of her.

 

I'm glad you put her straight on that front.

 

Thanks for the moral support there. I was really not sure on this move. It seemed to speed up the divorce process.

UPDATE:

 

My wife contacted me and asked "Will you meet me at -this time- to get these papers notarized."

 

And I began shaking and froze up as I always do. I waited about 30 mins and replied: "Can't, already have plans...I'll sign your papers, just understand it's not easy for me and I'm not ready.

 

"I gave you the space you need to live your life, now please do the same for me. I'll be in touch with you soon." -by this I meant I'm having difficulty with just all the responsibility I've taken on, I know now she couldn't know that.

 

She replied: "I appreciate you giving me space. I'm just trying to get this over with. I filed yesterday and we can go sign the papers in front of a judge in ten days. I understand you're not really in a hurry, but I really don't think waiting will make it any easier."

 

I kept the reply brief: "It's possible you may have taken what I said the wrong way. I'll call you about this this evening. Let's not let this turn into another argument." got a thumbs up reply.

 

An hour later after talking to a very supportive friend, I decided to just be flat out. I'm not ready to sign and I don't wanna see her so I said: "I'm not ready. We're gonna do this paperwork on my terms. Please don't contact me, I'll contact you. You will get the divorce."

 

She said: "What the ****, (Stoic)? What is the point of this?"

 

I didn't respond... now two days later (literally as I am typing this...) she responded with: "Hey. I'm sorry if I've been pushy. I'm just realizing I have been pretty unsympathetic to you. Take your time. Let me know when you're ready."

 

I really don't even know what to think of that. It's craziness. Sudden changes of tact, one second I'm a punching bag, the next a subject of sympathy...

 

Got that 5 min ago, so still processing... I don't think I'll respond. But it is true, she's been VICIOUS. She has completely ignored the effect of her actions on literally everyone around her.

 

I honestly do have hope for us, with or without divorce. I just wanna bring this back to the point that she can still talk to me without being PISSED and wanting to bite my head off. I realize things may never work out for us, but the fact is we were GOOD together.

 

We may both need to go do some growing on our own, try new things, new people even... But I still have this feeling that some day we might still be the best option for each other. That's all that is nagging at me.

 

Neither of us is perfect, I'm not clinging, I'm not sulking. I actually have a TON OF THINGS to be happy about. I spoke to a woman I used to have feelings for and she told me things that I've been waiting to hear my whole life.

 

This woman (old flame) knows me WELL and we've talked literally 10 hours sometimes about what is going on, she understands the situation...

 

I asked her why I can't just let this go, move on, hate my wife and be done with it...

 

She answered: "You are a good husband...You're a good man, Stoic, and a wonderful father... You're not pathetic, you're not weeping and moping... You've handled this better than anyone I've seen in your situation... Stop beating yourself up and rushing this."

 

I wanted to hear those underlined things from my wife so BADLY. My every thought was bent on them for the last ten years. Every action I took, every goal I set, every single moment of every day centered around BEING THOSE THINGS...

 

That's all I can think about lately... WHY did she never see it? Is it because I'm not all those things? Is it because there's something wrong with her? Is it that she has no interest in a man who is those things? I'm absolutely consumed by these thoughts. I don't know that any of you can answer that, but I welcome you to try.

 

Thanks to everyone here. This forum has been so helpful and I'm really glad the thread came back around to constructive discussion.

[BluesPower]

Listen, I get you, I have been there...

 

I was with my wife for 26 years of hell. I was a great husband, I am a super great father and grandfather, I was the sole bread winner, and frankly a great lover.

 

I finally thru in the towel a few years back, and the main thing was basically she did not love me. And I found out she had been a drug addict for 20 years, and other things.

 

The point is this: You will get over it, I promise. You will come to understand that she did not love you, or love you enough, or love you the right way.

 

It is not about all the things you are not, it is about the person that she is.

 

Right now, you feel scared, emasculated, unworthy, just a whole bunch of negative emotions. They won't last.

 

Just keep moving forward, and do your best to forget about her. Over time, when you really start understand what she is all about, you will not hardly think about her. It will happen.

 

My Ex stalked some of my girlfriends, and even told one of them how much she loved me???

 

I still throw up a little in my mouth when I think about that. She never loved me a day in her life...

[frigginlost]

 

UPDATE:[/b]

 

My wife contacted me and asked "Will you meet me at -this time- to get these papers notarized."

 

And I began shaking and froze up as I always do. I waited about 30 mins and replied: "Can't, already have plans...I'll sign your papers, just understand it's not easy for me and I'm not ready.

 

"I gave you the space you need to live your life, now please do the same for me. I'll be in touch with you soon." -by this I meant I'm having difficulty with just all the responsibility I've taken on, I know now she couldn't know that.

 

She replied: "I appreciate you giving me space. I'm just trying to get this over with. I filed yesterday and we can go sign the papers in front of a judge in ten days. I understand you're not really in a hurry, but I really don't think waiting will make it any easier."

 

I kept the reply brief: "It's possible you may have taken what I said the wrong way. I'll call you about this this evening. Let's not let this turn into another argument." got a thumbs up reply.

 

An hour later after talking to a very supportive friend, I decided to just be flat out. I'm not ready to sign and I don't wanna see her so I said: "I'm not ready. We're gonna do this paperwork on my terms. Please don't contact me, I'll contact you. You will get the divorce."

 

She said: "What the ****, (Stoic)? What is the point of this?"

 

I didn't respond... now two days later (literally as I am typing this...) she responded with: "Hey. I'm sorry if I've been pushy. I'm just realizing I have been pretty unsympathetic to you. Take your time. Let me know when you're ready."

 

I really don't even know what to think of that. It's craziness. Sudden changes of tact, one second I'm a punching bag, the next a subject of sympathy...

 

Got that 5 min ago, so still processing... I don't think I'll respond. But it is true, she's been VICIOUS. She has completely ignored the effect of her actions on literally everyone around her.

 

I honestly do have hope for us, with or without divorce. I just wanna bring this back to the point that she can still talk to me without being PISSED and wanting to bite my head off. I realize things may never work out for us, but the fact is we were GOOD together.

 

We may both need to go do some growing on our own, try new things, new people even... But I still have this feeling that some day we might still be the best option for each other. That's all that is nagging at me.

 

Neither of us is perfect, I'm not clinging, I'm not sulking. I actually have a TON OF THINGS to be happy about. I spoke to a woman I used to have feelings for and she told me things that I've been waiting to hear my whole life.

 

This woman (old flame) knows me WELL and we've talked literally 10 hours sometimes about what is going on, she understands the situation...

 

I asked her why I can't just let this go, move on, hate my wife and be done with it...

 

She answered: "You are a good husband...You're a good man, Stoic, and a wonderful father... You're not pathetic, you're not weeping and moping... You've handled this better than anyone I've seen in your situation... Stop beating yourself up and rushing this."

 

I wanted to hear those underlined things from my wife so BADLY. My every thought was bent on them for the last ten years. Every action I took, every goal I set, every single moment of every day centered around BEING THOSE THINGS...

 

That's all I can think about lately... WHY did she never see it? Is it because I'm not all those things? Is it because there's something wrong with her? Is it that she has no interest in a man who is those things? I'm absolutely consumed by these thoughts. I don't know that any of you can answer that, but I welcome you to try.

 

Thanks to everyone here. This forum has been so helpful and I'm really glad the thread came back around to constructive discussion.

 

Every single one of those feelings is normal. We all felt them and yes at times we still do to an extent. Her flipping from relaxed to anger is being driven by her own guilt. It's tough to see from the inside, but from the outside it's very easy to see. She is processing the end from the position of selfishness and guilt and that is not a very nice place to be. Sadly, most while in this position "cling" to the person they are with to "bury" those feelings and that position by going deeper into the honeymoon fun of "what is new". What she does not understand is that all of that is going to come crashing down around her as reality starts to set back in.

 

You *are* all those good things that your friend has told you, but your self-esteem has been obliterated and ironically the only person right now that can sooth that injury, is the person who did the damage; your ex. The hardest thing in the world you will do is the rebuilding of that self-esteem and understanding that it was truly not you who killed the relationship, it was her. Sadly it is also the longest wait as time marches forward before you truly start to feel that way.

[lolablue17]

Your wife talking about sympathy, only beause she thinks (probably got an advice) that her previous reply pissed upi off, wich will further postpond the divorce progress. Everything she does or says serves only her interest. Sometimes she makes mistakes, but as you can see, she doesn't care to "regret her words" as long as this will serve her interest.

 

I think you're doing fine, not to cooperate with her "fighting mode", and not with her pushing you to hurry. You start doing things for your best interest. This is good. Just continue with what you do. Don't commit to anything. Don't promise anything.

 

When you're ready, even if it take a long time, you can send your own papers for her to sign. Who says she is the one to set the papers?

[StoicHusband]

Listen, I get you, I have been there...

 

I finally thru in the towel a few years back

Idk, does this mean u left her? I didn't leave mine... That's probably my biggest mental roadblock, honestly.

 

The point is this: You will get over it, I promise. You will come to understand that she did not love you, or love you enough, or love you the right way.

 

It is not about all the things you are not, it is about the person that she is.

 

Thanks man. I really appreciate the encouragement. Today was a bad day because I gave her space in my head and I gotta start keeping a tighter rein on that. I can't control what she does, only how I respond.

Right now, you feel scared, emasculated, unworthy, just a whole bunch of negative emotions. They won't last.

I don't, honestly... I feel worried because until I spoke to a friend I felt like I was getting old, he kinda helped me understand what I have going for me. I feel no emasculation at all, really, I know I should... I just don't. I feel like I have always known my worth, mainly because I could only ever depend on myself even from a young age. I DO feel betrayed. That's a big part of this. I feel life is unfair... that's a bigger part. Everything women seem to set as goals can be accomplished in 5 weeks, for men it takes longer. We want different things.

 

Just keep moving forward, and do your best to forget about her. Over time, when you really start understand what she is all about, you will not hardly think about her. It will happen.

I've had these days, few and far between. Mostly what enables them at this point (5 weeks in) is the times I consider the reality from an objective standpoint... I'm only just starting to realize my goals, all hers are behind her or becoming a race against the clock. Men and women are different animals.

 

My Ex stalked some of my girlfriends, and even told one of them how much she loved me??? I still throw up a little in my mouth when I think about that. She never loved me a day in her life...

Yeah, I don't know if that day will come. I'll definitely laugh when it does.

 

Thank you.

 

Every single one of those feelings is normal. We all felt them and yes at times we still do to an extent. Her flipping from relaxed to anger is being driven by her own guilt. It's tough to see from the inside, but from the outside it's very easy to see. She is processing the end from the position of selfishness and guilt and that is not a very nice place to be. Sadly, most while in this position "cling" to the person they are with to "bury" those feelings and that position by going deeper into the honeymoon fun of "what is new". What she does not understand is that all of that is going to come crashing down around her as reality starts to set back in.

 

Why does understanding this (and I DO) not help? I wish I could gain the benefit from it. All it does is make me feel bad for her and concerned... (she is, after all, my wife...

 

You *are* all those good things that your friend has told you, but your self-esteem has been obliterated and ironically the only person right now that can sooth that injury, is the person who did the damage; your ex.

God, that is profound... I mean that. It really has stuck with me since I read it. I'm only just now responding, but I read it soon after you posted.

 

The hardest thing in the world you will do is the rebuilding of that self-esteem and understanding that it was truly not you who killed the relationship, it was her. Sadly it is also the longest wait as time marches forward before you truly start to feel that way.

 

Time is a B***H these days! Every week I think to myself on Friday: "Man, it's been like 6 weeks..." only to realize it's 5 weeks. Time is DRAGGING by. I'm keeping busy, I'm taking on new responsibilities, I'm trying my damndest to get more involved with -everything-, it just doesn't seem to help at all.

 

I appreciate these kind words...

 

Your wife talking about sympathy, only beause she thinks (probably got an advice) that her previous reply pissed upi off, wich will further postpond the divorce progress. Everything she does or says serves only her interest. Sometimes she makes mistakes, but as you can see, she doesn't care to "regret her words" as long as this will serve her interest.

RIGHT! That was my initial response... She's just aware that rushing me has never gotten her anything in the past, and so she changed tact.

 

I think you're doing fine, not to cooperate with her "fighting mode", and not with her pushing you to hurry. You start doing things for your best interest. This is good. Just continue with what you do. Don't commit to anything. Don't promise anything.

Yeah, I'm not going to make any commitments or promises to her. When I'm ready I will tell her I'm ready and we will go then... end of story. I'm almost there because of new developments today.

 

When you're ready, even if it take a long time, you can send your own papers for her to sign. Who says she is the one to set the papers?

Maybe... I doubt I will. I'm sure her terms are "standard" and we have no assets to argue over. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her so I do want to read... but I have no interest in helping her at all.

UPDATE:

 

Today, she had planned to go to a concert, one of my friends informed me that she was going. The tickets had been sold out for MONTHS. I now have the proof I needed that she was lying to me. She then unfriended the guy who informed me after I told her "Just seems like you've been lying for months and now every time we talk you make it out like I'm angry or begging... I need a break from it. I will contact you.".

 

I think it is possible she got them at a reseller, craigslist, etc... it just seems unlikely after she went and removed that guy, basically admitting guilt. They were somewhat close as he's my lifelong friend and she was with me for 10 years.

 

I spoke to a friend from church on the phone today, he told me that she is about to hit a wall in life, I'm just getting started. Men do best from 30-45 and women do their best from 18-30. This is about what I figured but to hear it from someone without coaxing was just what I needed.

 

I really thought I had like, 5 years, tops. That's not much time to sort out my head and my life. I wanna see my son graduate, I wanna learn to love myself. I'm sick of always being so wrapped up in a woman. It's wearing on me terribly.

 

He's told me that I can definitely attract a higher quality of woman than she can a man. I feel like he is right. I have a lot going for me and I'm all the things that women say that matter to them. Smart, funny, experienced, handy, passionate and kind.

I'm feeling good at the end of the day and that is AWESOME.

[whichwayisup]

 

I didn't respond... now two days later (literally as I am typing this...) she responded with: "Hey. I'm sorry if I've been pushy. I'm just realizing I have been pretty unsympathetic to you. Take your time. Let me know when you're ready."

Oh man, she got a lawyer. The lawyer probably advised her to speak to you more calmly and not make things worse.. Do you have lawyer? If not, please do so before you sign anything!! Sadly I have a bad feeling about this..

[basil67]

 

I think it is possible she got them at a reseller, craigslist, etc... it just seems unlikely after she went and removed that guy, basically admitting guilt. They were somewhat close as he's my lifelong friend and she was with me for 10 years.

 

Yes, it's entirely possible she got them from Craigslist or a ticket reseller. And it's perfectly understandable that she's unfriended your mate because of him being a snitch. *Especially* if she got the tickets innocently and due to his snitching she then received your anger having done nothing wrong.

[Just a Guy]

Hi basil, the OP's stbx wife does not seem to be the kind who does things innocently. Everything she has done so far has been carefully thought out and planned in advance. I really feel sorry for the OP because his stbxw is showing him exactly what kind of person she is but he is just refusing to see it. She is like a leopard which will not change it's spots. By keeping her in his mind space he is in fact harming himself. From everything that he has written she seems to have moved eons away from him and the marriage. Miracles do happen and it will take a miracle to recover his marriage. Best wishes.

[BluesPower]

He's told me that I can definitely attract a higher quality of woman than she can a man. I feel like he is right. I have a lot going for me and I'm all the things that women say that matter to them. Smart, funny, experienced, handy, passionate and kind.

I'm feeling good at the end of the day and that is AWESOME.

This is basically a given. I have been with so many wonderful women over the past several years.

 

It really is like shooting fish in a barrel. I know I have been a little Sl**** but I really had a lot of fun.

 

And for now, my newest GF is the most wonderful woman that I have ever been with. Beautiful, Sexy, NOT CRAZY at all, loving, affectionate, she is just the whole package.

 

And while the sex is constant and wonderful, she loves me just as much for my other qualities, which make me love her all the more.

 

This stage of life is better then I ever thought it could be...