wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[StoicHusband]

Oh man, she got a lawyer. The lawyer probably advised her to speak to you more calmly and not make things worse.. Do you have lawyer? If not, please do so before you sign anything!! Sadly I have a bad feeling about this..

 

Mmm, I don't know about the lawyer. She needed one to get the papers. Beyond that I've told her thousands of times that rushing me is counterproductive.

 

Yes, it's entirely possible she got them from Craigslist or a ticket reseller. And it's perfectly understandable that she's unfriended your mate because of him being a snitch. *Especially* if she got the tickets innocently and due to his snitching she then received your anger having done nothing wrong.

 

I am glad she did honestly... I'm sick of him telling me things and have asked him to stop lol. He really does think he's being helpful.

 

I didn't say anything angry. She may have interpreted it that way (just as you seem to have done.) But honestly, I want to distance myself from the anger/anxiety I feel for her each and every time we speak.

 

I really can't stress this enough. I have not acted angry toward her in the entire separation/divorce. I'm just sick of hearing from her every 3 days. My entire life is now punctuated by her messages. She should understand that and if not, then I've done my best in every way to prevent it.

 

In the end, she can have it her way, lol. I'm done trying to convince her.

 

Thanks for the response. It does shed some light.

 

Hi basil, the OP's stbx wife does not seem to be the kind who does things innocently. Everything she has done so far has been carefully thought out and planned in advance. I really feel sorry for the OP because his stbxw is showing him exactly what kind of person she is but he is just refusing to see it. She is like a leopard which will not change it's spots. By keeping her in his mind space he is in fact harming himself. From everything that he has written she seems to have moved eons away from him and the marriage. Miracles do happen and it will take a miracle to recover his marriage. Best wishes.

 

THIS^

 

I let her in my head too much on all this. People like yourself who have followed my thread can obviously see it. She ****ed my head up on the way out and now she's trying to make it a trend. I'm going to contact her this week, read the papers and if everything is as innocent and clear-cut as she said it would be then I will get it over with as soon as possible.

 

Even after all this, I still feel like we should not burn our bridge, regardless of how hard she has tried. I know we were good together and maybe after a time we could be again. But that's the key word here... time.

 

It ain't gonna be tomorrow, I can tell you that.

 

This is basically a given. I have been with so many wonderful women over the past several years.

 

It really is like shooting fish in a barrel. I know I have been a little Sl**** but I really had a lot of fun.

 

And for now, my newest GF is the most wonderful woman that I have ever been with. Beautiful, Sexy, NOT CRAZY at all, loving, affectionate, she is just the whole package.

 

And while the sex is constant and wonderful, she loves me just as much for my other qualities, which make me love her all the more.

 

This stage of life is better then I ever thought it could be...

 

I'm really glad to hear it. I felt like the clock was ticking for me, but then I got to thinking... that's because I want kids with HER, HER clock is ticking, not mine.

 

Basically I'm of two minds on everything and one of those is dying slowly. The one that cares what happens to her. She can go and become a single mother for all I care. Single dads have it WAY better than single moms.

 

I'm getting it, slowly.

 

I'll be fine. I just am in the worse position right now. Everything she wants can be bought in a few months while the things I want will take longer to get but be more worth it in the end. I can handle that. It's just that this stage sucks... I get it now.

Edited February 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[basil67]

Hi basil, the OP's stbx wife does not seem to be the kind who does things innocently. Everything she has done so far has been carefully thought out and planned in advance. I really feel sorry for the OP because his stbxw is showing him exactly what kind of person she is but he is just refusing to see it. She is like a leopard which will not change it's spots. By keeping her in his mind space he is in fact harming himself. From everything that he has written she seems to have moved eons away from him and the marriage. Miracles do happen and it will take a miracle to recover his marriage. Best wishes.

 

Just a Guy, in the OP's first post he makes no bones about having been an unpleasant partner when they were together. It's no surprise that she moved out and on fairly quickly - she would have had one foot out the door, for quite some time. And now she's gone, she'd free and enjoying herself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi basil, you may be right but then the fact remains that she stuck by him for ten years inspite of his toxic behaviour. I agree that it could have been a death of the marriage by slow degrees at her end. However, some of the other things he posted about her actions seem to indicate otherwise.

 

Whatever the case may be she seems to be a lady who knows her mind well and she wants to be on top of things all the time. That includes him. She seems to be a manipulator and I think, when she felt that she was losing control, she decided to move out. I may be wrong in my assessment and quite frankly, we are not intimately involved with the OP and his life to be able to make an absolutely objective assessment of his situation. We can only go by what he has presented here. What you say may be entirely correct but I guess the overall situation and it's outcome now rests with the OP and his perception of things. Warm wishes.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Just a Guy

[StoicHusband]

Just a Guy, in the OP's first post he makes no bones about having been an unpleasant partner when they were together. It's no surprise that she moved out and on fairly quickly - she would have had one foot out the door, for quite some time. And now she's gone, she'd free and enjoying herself.

 

Hi basil, you may be right but then the fact remains that she stuck by him for ten years inspite of his toxic behaviour. I agree that it could have been a death of the marriage by slow degrees at her end. However, some of the other things he posted about her actions seem to indicate otherwise.

 

Whatever the case may be she seems to be a lady who knows her mind well and she wants to be on top of things all the time. That includes him. She seems to be a manipulator and I think, when she felt that she was losing control, she decided to move out. I may be wrong in my assessment and quite frankly, we are not intimately involved with the OP and his life to be able to make an absolutely objective assessment of his situation. We can only go by what he has presented here. What you say may be entirely correct but I guess the overall situation and it's outcome now rests with the OP and his perception of things. Warm wishes.

 

I may be able to shed some light on this for both of you. It seems to be a "chicken or the egg" situation.

 

Yes, I have my problems. But in my defense I am an intensely analytical person. I am always examining my behavior and philosophy. I think about the way I think more than any person I've ever met.

 

She may in fact be manipulative... in fact I can almost guarantee it. She is obviously a faulty person. The fact is we NEVER ARGUED.

 

To most people these things may sound like good things... Looking back, I realize they illuminate serious problems which I will now discuss briefly.

 

Her inability to discuss anything - leading to a complete lack of communication: Over the years I set many goals, both short term and long term, all of these were dashed by her. I can count up to ten in my head that would be significant setbacks for me. Eventually this led to my inability to set goals - at all.

 

My constant analysis of myself - may have led me to become extremely anxious when I realized that I couldn't set or even have goals in our marriage.

 

In the end it boiled down to one thing. A complete breakdown in communication. This is highlighted by the fact that she is so anti-confrontational (I chose anti- intentionally, because non doesn't do it justice...) that she refuses to speak to me at all. These issues could easily be worked out.

 

It has occurred to me that I was well on my way to solving all of our practical problems by the time she had this planned. In fact... I'm a month ahead on bills with only one income. I've improved my phsyical condition considerably. I've gotten my son into a school that doesn't require my constant attention. I've been working since October last year, at a job I enjoy that doesn't crush my soul.

 

Despite all of this she said "not enough". I truly do believe that she left out of completely selfish reasons and nothing I could have done would change her decision either before or after she left.

 

There is nothing I could have done to change her mind about leaving because the moment I tried to discuss it, the conversation turned from "I'm going out with my friend - Girlname" to "This isn't working."

 

Literally here is the conversation:

-I make plans with a friend to bring his kids over for xmas gathering saturday- "Alright man, sounds good, I'm gonna get off here and chill with Wife"

"So, what you wanna do tonight?"

"I think I'm gonna go out with Girlname for a few hours"

"That sounds cool, but hey, we've been arguing a lot, is there any way we could hash this out before you go? That way we could just enjoy ourselves."

"This isn't working"-She gets up and begins packing a bag-

3 minutes later she was outside and gone with some dude.

 

She intended to go cheat and come back, she wasn't going out with friends. Her friend Girlname even posted a pic of them that had been taken previously to cover her tracks. This was her plan, to begin leaving to cheat and not tell me. For whatever reason.

 

When I began being good about things, she blew up and made it all my fault.

 

She's a faulty person. I don't need her. I need someone that will tell me what's wrong and work together to fix the problem. Not a complete pushover who cannot represent her own interests, and instead resorts to cheating and lying, then running from her problems.

Edited February 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, seems like you've got things under control. Also, you have been able to see through your stbx wife's game plan. I guess you will be able to figure out your future course of action quite successfully. Just keep working at it. Warm wishes.

[frigginlost]

 

Every single one of those feelings is normal. We all felt them and yes at times we still do to an extent. Her flipping from relaxed to anger is being driven by her own guilt. It's tough to see from the inside, but from the outside it's very easy to see. She is processing the end from the position of selfishness and guilt and that is not a very nice place to be. Sadly, most while in this position "cling" to the person they are with to "bury" those feelings and that position by going deeper into the honeymoon fun of "what is new". What she does not understand is that all of that is going to come crashing down around her as reality starts to set back in.

 

Why does understanding this (and I DO) not help? I wish I could gain the benefit from it. All it does is make me feel bad for her and concerned... (she is, after all, my wife...

 

Hehehe, because my friend, you're a good man that loves/loved his wife. When I went through my divorce and found out that a new guy was in the picture very soon afterword, I had the same feelings you have. I was told that "it won't last, it's too soon, she's trying to fill a void, and she's going to hate what she did when it all crashes". In return I reacted the same way you are. I felt concerned. I didn't want her to get hurt and it did nothing to sooth my pain. But as time wore on (and it moves so very slow) I started to understand that all of this was a decision she made. Man was that so very hard to swallow. I was no longer part of her life. After nearly 20 years of us making decisions together based on doing what is best for both of us, my opinions and feelings now meant nothing. She was going to do whatever she wanted mistakes and all. That is a very, very, hard pill to swallow for a husband that loved his wife.

 

The hardest thing in the world you will do is the rebuilding of that self-esteem and understanding that it was truly not you who killed the relationship, it was her. Sadly it is also the longest wait as time marches forward before you truly start to feel that way.

 

Time is a B***H these days! Every week I think to myself on Friday: "Man, it's been like 6 weeks..." only to realize it's 5 weeks. Time is DRAGGING by. I'm keeping busy, I'm taking on new responsibilities, I'm trying my damndest to get more involved with -everything-, it just doesn't seem to help at all.

 

You are so very correct. I remember thinking "wow, it's been 6 months since the divorce" only to realize it had only been 3. Time seems to absolutely stop when the brain is trying to process hurt. It's absolutely brutal. Like yourself, I'm highly analytical and I thought something was very wrong with me because I had all these feelings I could not shake. What I realized a year and a half down the road was that it was the brains coping mechanism and that in fact all the memories and unanswered questions I lost sleep over was the brain healing the hurt. You will hear it a lot on these boards to not bury feelings. To let them out. To feel them. Do so. It is so very, very important to do that.

 

 

UPDATE:

 

Today, she had planned to go to a concert, one of my friends informed me that she was going. The tickets had been sold out for MONTHS. I now have the proof I needed that she was lying to me. She then unfriended the guy who informed me after I told her "Just seems like you've been lying for months and now every time we talk you make it out like I'm angry or begging... I need a break from it. I will contact you.".

 

I think it is possible she got them at a reseller, craigslist, etc... it just seems unlikely after she went and removed that guy, basically admitting guilt. They were somewhat close as he's my lifelong friend and she was with me for 10 years.

 

I spoke to a friend from church on the phone today, he told me that she is about to hit a wall in life, I'm just getting started. Men do best from 30-45 and women do their best from 18-30. This is about what I figured but to hear it from someone without coaxing was just what I needed.

 

I really thought I had like, 5 years, tops. That's not much time to sort out my head and my life. I wanna see my son graduate, I wanna learn to love myself. I'm sick of always being so wrapped up in a woman. It's wearing on me terribly.

 

He's told me that I can definitely attract a higher quality of woman than she can a man. I feel like he is right. I have a lot going for me and I'm all the things that women say that matter to them. Smart, funny, experienced, handy, passionate and kind.

I'm feeling good at the end of the day and that is AWESOME.

 

Great update!

 

In your words I read a little bit of that self-esteem rebuilding. That is great. When folks tell you that you are a good man, as hard as it is to hear it and or believe it, you need to do so.

 

On a more cautious tone, please do realize that with the good feelings, the bad are sure to return while you are healing. Just remember that they will pass and they will get shorter in duration as time passes by.

 

Keep posting!

[StoicHusband]

Hi stoic, seems like you've got things under control. Also, you have been able to see through your stbx wife's game plan. I guess you will be able to figure out your future course of action quite successfully. Just keep working at it. Warm wishes.

 

****, I wish. I'm afraid that frigginlost is kinda right about what they say below. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the subject as I reply to them.

 

I mean, yeah, I'm seeing her plan. I've got a plan for the future. I'm doing ok most times, just there's setbacks like last night.

 

Great update!

 

In your words I read a little bit of that self-esteem rebuilding. That is great. When folks tell you that you are a good man, as hard as it is to hear it and or believe it, you need to do so.

 

On a more cautious tone, please do realize that with the good feelings, the bad are sure to return while you are healing. Just remember that they will pass and they will get shorter in duration as time passes by.

 

Keep posting!

 

I do believe it. Only because I have tried every day of my life to be that. I had a bad start and only bad examples in life. On my own at 14, into drugs, theft, etc... cleaned up at 16-17 (still used) then had my son at 18 (gave up using and started becoming what I am now.)

 

Thing is: yesterday was the best day I've had since she was gone. I woke up feeling good, no dreams, I went to church, it sucked (just a bad week to go, no sermon) then I left church and cruised with my son. It was awesome.

 

Did some shopping with him, skipped rocks at the lake, went and got drinks at 711, then went back to church for a "religion and science" meeting that was stimulating enough. I got home at 10 and he was enjoying his Youtube. He had a good night or so he said.

 

Then as I put him to bed he started asking about her. I became angry, I didn't mean to. I just felt discouraged I was ok with it at first but as the questions went in a circle again I started to get pissed because I wanted to come upstairs and write.

 

Then I came up, talked to my sister, she was able to make me feel better about my slip-up with him. These things DO happen to the best of parents...

 

Woke up this morning after having a dream about just holding her. That's what I miss most of all. I just want someone to be close to.

Anyway: It is starting to seem like he really does need a relationship with her, or at least that's what I think. He has now lost two moms. One to drugs and one to infidelity. I don't want him to hate women. I don't know how I can proceed with her on this.

 

I need to get with her and sign papers, I need to talk to her about him. The problem is any conversation turns to argument on text and I DON'T trust myself in a phone call and MUCH LESS in person.

 

Not sure how to proceed, I'm sure it will come to me. I just feel messed up today, but hey, it's only been an hour so far. lol

 

Gonna let things sink in but I'd love to hear more thoughts on it. Thanks to everyone.

 

Yours in haste,

StoicHusband

[amaysngrace]

If you miss having someone to cuddle I suggest getting a dog

[BluesPower]

****, I wish. I'm afraid that frigginlost is kinda right about what they say below. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the subject as I reply to them.

 

I mean, yeah, I'm seeing her plan. I've got a plan for the future. I'm doing ok most times, just there's setbacks like last night.

 

I do believe it. Only because I have tried every day of my life to be that. I had a bad start and only bad examples in life. On my own at 14, into drugs, theft, etc... cleaned up at 16-17 (still used) then had my son at 18 (gave up using and started becoming what I am now.)

 

Thing is: yesterday was the best day I've had since she was gone. I woke up feeling good, no dreams, I went to church, it sucked (just a bad week to go, no sermon) then I left church and cruised with my son. It was awesome.

 

Did some shopping with him, skipped rocks at the lake, went and got drinks at 711, then went back to church for a "religion and science" meeting that was stimulating enough. I got home at 10 and he was enjoying his Youtube. He had a good night or so he said.

 

Then as I put him to bed he started asking about her. I became angry, I didn't mean to. I just felt discouraged I was ok with it at first but as the questions went in a circle again I started to get pissed because I wanted to come upstairs and write.

 

Then I came up, talked to my sister, she was able to make me feel better about my slip-up with him. These things DO happen to the best of parents...

 

Woke up this morning after having a dream about just holding her. That's what I miss most of all. I just want someone to be close to.

Anyway: It is starting to seem like he really does need a relationship with her, or at least that's what I think. He has now lost two moms. One to drugs and one to infidelity. I don't want him to hate women. I don't know how I can proceed with her on this.

 

I need to get with her and sign papers, I need to talk to her about him. The problem is any conversation turns to argument on text and I DON'T trust myself in a phone call and MUCH LESS in person.

 

Not sure how to proceed, I'm sure it will come to me. I just feel messed up today, but hey, it's only been an hour so far. lol

 

Gonna let things sink in but I'd love to hear more thoughts on it. Thanks to everyone.

 

Yours in haste,

StoicHusband

 

Here is the deal... you are going to have good days and bad days. And like everyone says, over time the amount of bad days become less.

 

But hey, you are really getting your head together. And you should be proud of that.

 

But please, when she crashes and burns with her new BF, please don't take her back.

 

When you get through all of this you are going to be so much better off, you really are not going to believe it.

 

That being said, as much as I don't think about my ExW, she can piss me off by just calling and asking a question.

 

I don't want to see her, talk to her, or even know that she exists.

 

You will feel that way soon...

[StoicHusband]

Here is the deal... you are going to have good days and bad days. And like everyone says, over time the amount of bad days become less.

I have noticed this, I'm trying to lean into it, honestly I do great until my son starts talking about it. Last night I probably made him feel bad, this morning he seems fine about it. Kids are resilient, that doesn't stop us from beating ourselves up about it tho. lol

 

But hey, you are really getting your head together. And you should be proud of that.

I appreciate it every time someone says this, and I really try to take it to heart. It's just that I worry I've rushed it and it's gonna bite me in the ass. As I've said before, I'm overly analytical.

 

It is equally possible that I have done myself a great service by taking a few of the steps I have.

 

1. I have stopped smoking weed totally, even tho I want to sometimes.

(This has allowed me to be clear-headed enough to know what I'm feeling and stick to the plans I make.)

 

2. I have accepted all the feelings I feel and been honest about them in journals (which I never kept before) and with my friends and on this forum.

(This has allowed me to experience the feelings and be done with them once I do.)

 

3. I have allowed myself to feel the things I feel and analyzed why I feel that way.

(This is just necessary, no two ways about it.)

 

4. I have taken up exercise and I never really did it much before. I may not be on par with an athlete, but what I do seems to be working. I am in the best shape of my life. My arms look awesome, everyone says so.

(Exercise helps me sleep, laugh more, feel better and it's just what everyone recommends... I always do what I'm told.)

 

5. I have taken up going to church, I am still an agnostic/atheist and I struggle with faith, but I've found a place that accepts me anyway.

(This has allowed me to meet new people, one of which has been in my shoes and is very analytical like myself and knows just what to say to make me feel optimistic.)

 

6. I have reached out to friends any time I thought I need to.

(The fact is after ten years sharing everything with someone, you're gonna feel LONELY when you can't anymore.)

 

But please, when she crashes and burns with her new BF, please don't take her back.

I pray that I will have the strength to make the right decision here, whatever it may be. I love my wife and I do feel like this had to happen, I just am not sure where I am on this. Thank you for the advice and it is surely something I will consider at great length.

 

Whatever happens, I will not be taking her back into the same place she vacated without a single thought given to the consequences. I may start over with her, but I'll never "take her back".

 

When you get through all of this you are going to be so much better off, you really are not going to believe it.

I am beginning to see that. I can see her flaws now. I can see that she really chose a bad time to do this for herself anyway. I can see that she wouldn't have done this without the backup guy....

 

Her flaws are becoming so clear. She is a faulty person. Not just that but she is showing age like crazy. Meanwhile, I look better every day. She ****ed up. No two ways about it.

 

That being said, as much as I don't think about my ExW, she can piss me off by just calling and asking a question.

I can understand that feeling one-hundred percent. I really can.

 

This is what has made me want to delay seeing her. I don't wanna exhibit any negative emotion around her and that's not something I can avoid at this point.

 

I don't want to see her, talk to her, or even know that she exists.

 

You will feel that way soon...

Here's hoping.

 

Thanks again for replying. Never can get enough of this. I hope to see more discussion on it because every single thought I type here brings me further from the destructive ones inside my head.

[frigginlost]

 

I do believe it. Only because I have tried every day of my life to be that. I had a bad start and only bad examples in life. On my own at 14, into drugs, theft, etc... cleaned up at 16-17 (still used) then had my son at 18 (gave up using and started becoming what I am now.)

 

Bravo! Good man.

 

Thing is: yesterday was the best day I've had since she was gone. I woke up feeling good, no dreams, I went to church, it sucked (just a bad week to go, no sermon) then I left church and cruised with my son. It was awesome.

 

Did some shopping with him, skipped rocks at the lake, went and got drinks at 711, then went back to church for a "religion and science" meeting that was stimulating enough. I got home at 10 and he was enjoying his Youtube. He had a good night or so he said.

 

If he said he had a good night/day, I'm sure he did. He got some quality time with dear ol' dad.

 

Then as I put him to bed he started asking about her. I became angry, I didn't mean to. I just felt discouraged I was ok with it at first but as the questions went in a circle again I started to get pissed because I wanted to come upstairs and write.

 

Normal. You got hit with "two-pronged" anger. You are already rather miffed at what your ex has done to you, but now you got to see up close and personal the hurt that she has caused to your son. Your reaction of getting angry was because of that. His understanding of what took place is miles behind yours, and his questions are just him trying to process at his pace.

 

Then I came up, talked to my sister, she was able to make me feel better about my slip-up with him. These things DO happen to the best of parents...

 

Yes, they do. And try not to beat yourself up over it. You're carrying a hell of a load trying to work through the mess that has become of your life based on a decision you had no part of. You're trying to play the hand of cards you were dealt, and there will be times where you get extremely frustrated because you know down deep what it is that you want, but you're no longer in a spot with your ex to have it. It's tough, and it hurts.

 

Woke up this morning after having a dream about just holding her. That's what I miss most of all. I just want someone to be close to.

 

Yeah, I remember those mornings and that feeling. Let me know when you start analyzing every single argument you ever had with her or want to have with her while you're in the shower.

 

Anyway: It is starting to seem like he really does need a relationship with her, or at least that's what I think. He has now lost two moms. One to drugs and one to infidelity. I don't want him to hate women. I don't know how I can proceed with her on this.

 

Depending on how he sees you act and or talk about your exes will determine how he feels about women. You do not in any way shape or form strike me as someone that is going to project onto him to hate women. On the contrary, I think he will be someone that looks to solve issues based on his questioning of you.

 

I need to get with her and sign papers, I need to talk to her about him. The problem is any conversation turns to argument on text and I DON'T trust myself in a phone call and MUCH LESS in person.

 

Not sure how to proceed, I'm sure it will come to me. I just feel messed up today, but hey, it's only been an hour so far. lol

 

Be very, very, very careful regarding allowing her and your son to interact. Right now your ex is not someone in the right frame of mind to interact with your boy. He is going to question her the same as he questions you and with her habit of projection as most cheaters do while in the throws of a new relationship, you're playing with fire.

[StoicHusband]

Bravo! Good man.

Thank you.

 

If he said he had a good night/day, I'm sure he did. He got some quality time with dear ol' dad.

Yeah, I know he had a blast. It's just that the fun triggered thoughts of her, that frightens me. He said he wishes that she was there and I understand that, hell, so do I to a point. But it's as if we can't have fun without him bringing her up... I'm rushing it. I just want to stop talking about her lol.

 

I'll be ok.

 

Normal. You got hit with "two-pronged" anger. You are already rather miffed at what your ex has done to you, but now you got to see up close and personal the hurt that she has caused to your son. Your reaction of getting angry was because of that. His understanding of what took place is miles behind yours, and his questions are just him trying to process at his pace.

 

Thanks, that's about what I figured. I tried to catch myself and cool down, answer his questions. I told him right away... "I'm saying things I don't mean, tell me your questions and I can help you understand."

 

Yes, they do. And try not to beat yourself up over it. You're carrying a hell of a load trying to work through the mess that has become of your life based on a decision you had no part of. You're trying to play the hand of cards you were dealt, and there will be times where you get extremely frustrated because you know down deep what it is that you want, but you're no longer in a spot with your ex to have it. It's tough, and it hurts.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

I absolutely feel like she has made a huge mistake. And when I look at it objectively... I feel the same. I know how this ends for her. It can't work. I don't understand why she has done this. It seems like she lost her effing mind.

I wish so badly that she'd see that and try to come home. But she won't. I know that. I'm just trying to move on and it seems like I always have two minds on the subject.

 

Yeah, I remember those mornings and that feeling. Let me know when you start analyzing every single argument you ever had with her or want to have with her while you're in the shower.

Every time it happens I wake up and punch the bed and fly out, get dressed and go to work outside. It's the only thing that makes me feel better about it. I don't care about her anymore and that upsets me also. I'll be fine without her and that upsets me too. I don't care... That's upsetting. Two minds.

 

Depending on how he sees you act and or talk about your exes will determine how he feels about women. You do not in any way shape or form strike me as someone that is going to project onto him to hate women. On the contrary, I think he will be someone that looks to solve issues based on his questioning of you.

I have been very good about it. I don't want him to hate people. I just want him to know when to move on.

 

Be very, very, very careful regarding allowing her and your son to interact. Right now your ex is not someone in the right frame of mind to interact with your boy. He is going to question her the same as he questions you and with her habit of projection as most cheaters do while in the throws of a new relationship, you're playing with fire.

I don't think it's a good idea. You're right, she'd just project and make it all about me. I'm a good guy and I don't need someone trying to change his mind on the matter.

 

Thank you for your reply. Thanks to anyone else who has thoughts on it.

 

So, today I did the dumb **** and looked at her wall. She posted up a pic with the new dude. He has weak facial features, receding hairline, doublechin, and she's way too good-looking for him. lol

 

She's showing signs of age that I never noticed before. I am able to see her faults and it is very nice lol. I am getting better about it. I am no longer afraid to confront him if I have to. They used a filter on the pic. I'm kinda laughing out loud about it.

 

Let her have this dude. She will see that she ****ed up. I don't even give a ****. I'm gonna work on me and be happy with my boy, it's our time to shine.

 

I need to find a way to leave her behind. I'm so worried that I won't be able to. My "other mind" still wants to leave this at a good spot with her. I'm stuck right now and that's why I haven't contacted her about the papers.

[Noproblem]

I didn't read all the details, but I was going to comment first

 

Your son is the most important thing so treat him well.

 

He is now your treasure, it's up to you to destroy that treasure or protect it and make it shine even more.

 

 

and I was going to say, your wife left you and changed her name on Facebook because of some other guy, but then I saw that you wrote she already found someone else and you figured it all out.

 

I don't know about everything else, but I do believe you can do it.

 

You can be a great father and later on a great husband to the right woman.

 

Don't lose yourself and don't despair!

 

Ps: block her on Facebook!

[StoicHusband]

I didn't read all the details, but I was going to comment first

 

Your son is the most important thing so treat him well.

 

He is now your treasure, it's up to you to destroy that treasure or protect it and make it shine even more.

 

 

and I was going to say, your wife left you and changed her name on Facebook because of some other guy, but then I saw that you wrote she already found someone else and you figured it all out.

 

I don't know about everything else, but I do believe you can do it.

 

You can be a great father and later on a great husband to the right woman.

 

Don't lose yourself and don't despair!

 

Ps: block her on Facebook!

 

I do intend to, I just don't want it to seem "reactionary".

 

I'm gonna get with her sometime this week and sign the papers. I've realized there's no way back and that's hitting me hard. I don't wish she'd come home anymore. I just wish this never happened.

 

Surely some good will come of it. Just sucks because now ten years has passed and everything is different. I need to figure out how to date, I never had to. And now it's more complicated (and expensive) than ever it seems.

[BluesPower]

I do intend to, I just don't want it to seem "reactionary".

 

I'm gonna get with her sometime this week and sign the papers. I've realized there's no way back and that's hitting me hard. I don't wish she'd come home anymore. I just wish this never happened.

 

Surely some good will come of it. Just sucks because now ten years has passed and everything is different. I need to figure out how to date, I never had to. And now it's more complicated (and expensive) than ever it seems.

 

No it really is not...

 

That really is the least of your worries. What you need to worry about when you get to that stage, is not to jump off a cliff with the first thru fifth woman that you are with.

 

And don't date to soon, heal up, feel good, look good, they will come...

[StoicHusband]

No it really is not...

 

That really is the least of your worries. What you need to worry about when you get to that stage, is not to jump off a cliff with the first thru fifth woman that you are with.

 

And don't date to soon, heal up, feel good, look good, they will come...

 

I'm probably over-analyzing. Reading **** that is working me up.

 

I think I will take time to heal. Hopefully what I'm looking for will come my way before I have to even look. I just want a woman who likes to be home, with each other. I really don't enjoy going out. I can, I just usually don't.

 

Thanks BluesPower. You've been a big help.

[StoicHusband]

I have shared everything with her for ten years. We really were closer than most couples you may know. We spent every moment together and we shared everything. Most people do not do this. Not even in marriage.

 

I realize it may not have been healthy, it definitely is what led us to this point.

 

I feel this way and I want to tell her before I sign:

When I set eyes on her the entire world fell away; The woman I was with before, my work, my family, my friends, everything else was seemingly an obstacle preventing me from spending time with her.

 

I realize now that I need both and I'm rebuilding my career, my family connections, my relationships with friends, and rediscovering my interests.

 

I realize she is with someone else who makes her happy right now and eventually I hope I find the same, but, I also feel like I don't want to be written off and I can't write her off either.

 

Everything she wanted for us is now happening without her. I just wish I could share it with her.

 

My son and I get along better, I've eased up on him, after all, he won't be living MY life so why was I trying to prepare him for that? He just needs to be a kid and I've learned that from my wife and from a dear friend I've reconnected with who came from a similar background and had similar problems/tried similar with her daughter. We both discussed it and decided to ease up.

 

I feel no anxiety when I go out. I have been enjoying myself outside the house, just like my wife wanted to do with me.

 

I realize now why she felt like she had to find happiness elsewhere.

 

I can move on, I just have two minds on the matter. I feel like our old marriage did need to die, I just don't understand why it has to kill our love for each other and any future we could have together.

 

What I DON'T feel like: I don't feel like I owe an apology, after all, it takes two to make a marriage work and she never communicated with me properly. I don't feel like I deserved to be cheated on or lied to. I don't feel like she would be doing me "a favor" by returning home and working out our problems. Mostly, I don't feel like what she is doing now will make her happy in the long run.

 

I just don't think I can actually walk away without saying these things.

 

I appreciate your thoughts, guys. Please understand I am not trying to sound needy, I just woke up and needed to write. Thanks for reading.

[GorillaTheater]

I just don't think I can actually walk away without saying these things.

 

 

I think you may be looking for closure, but in my experience, and likely in yours, too, closure is a mirage. It doesn't exist. If we pursue a mirage, it just seems to get farther away.

 

 

If you feel compelled to say these things anyway, you absolutely need to be prepared for any outcome, and her rolling her eyes is a far more likely outcome than her getting a tear in one.

[StoicHusband]

I think you may be looking for closure....

I think I'm more interested in resolve. As of now I don't feel like I've done all I can do and that she is completely projecting and thinking I'm begging, etc. Which I haven't, and don't intend to.

I just want her to know where I'm at... even though she doesn't care. I'm aware of the reality here.

 

...be prepared for any outcome, and her rolling her eyes is a far more likely outcome than her getting a tear in one.

That's a given, you're right. Still, hindsight is 20/20. She may not understand now, but she might when **** blows up in her face with this new guy, even though that may be too late.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[StoicHusband]

Ok, so... Ran into a snag.

 

It turns out I can't file for the EIC on my son without her, I can but It'd be "single" which I'm legally not. So, if I file jointly, I won't get that credit back (which as anyone knows, if you qualify, you usually need it badly.)

 

I have to talk to her, but I think it'd work to her benefit too. She might have to pay in if we file separate, and it'd affect her school loans this year.

 

I called today, was ignored, she texted "What's up" I replied "Call when you can, just taxes" and she said "Will do".

 

She hasn't called and it's now time for bed. She's playing games. I just want an answer, that way I can file without her and be done with it, or file with her to avoid the mess for both of us.

 

I really hate that this came up this way. I don't get it. Why does being separated disqualify me for the credits for my son. That seems so counter-intuitive. Complete bs.

 

Thanks for any advice in handling this, if anyone ever had a similar situation (unlikely) I'd love to hear about it or anything else in the thread you can speak to. I enjoy reading the replies.

[Just a Guy]

I have shared everything with her for ten years. We really were closer than most couples you may know. We spent every moment together and we shared everything. Most people do not do this. Not even in marriage.

 

I realize it may not have been healthy, it definitely is what led us to this point.

 

Hi Stoic, after reading what you have written( in quotes) I can only think of the adage 'Familiarity breeds contempt'! I think that even in a relationship as close as a marriage there must be some spaces between partners, if only to maintain some mystery and respect in the eyes of the other, for oneself. When you have exposed yourself completely warts and all, the other may lose respect for you, especially if you yourself do not respect yourself. I think, somewhere along the way your wife lost respect for you and started holding you in contempt. She will only regain respect for you if you cut contact with her completely and do not make any attempt to speak to her. Any sign of your need for her will reinforce her contempt. Let her wonder once she is swamped with radio silence, as to where you are and what you are doing.

 

Play the game she is playing with you. Do not respond to calls from her or reply to texts from her. Go stone cold silent. Such an action on your part will drive her crazy and she will spend her days wondering where in cyberspace you have disappeared. If she turns up at your place ignore her. Just play cool answer any question she may have and tell her you have to go as you have other plans. Others on here will be able to tell you how to fine tune this procedure so that you can free yourself from her influence. Warm wishes.

Edited February 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[StoicHusband]

Hi Stoic, after reading what you have written( in quotes) I can only think of the adage 'Familiarity breeds contempt'! I think that even in a relationship as close as a marriage there must be some spaces between partners, if only to maintain some mystery and respect in the eyes of the other, for oneself. When you have exposed yourself completely warts and all, the other may lose respect for you, especially if you yourself do not respect yourself. I think, somewhere along the way your wife lost respect for you and started holding you in contempt. She will only regain respect for you if you cut contact with her completely and do not make any attempt to speak to her. Any sign of your need for her will reinforce her contempt. Let her wonder once she is swamped with radio silence, as to where you are and what you are doing.

 

Play the game she is playing with you. Do not respond to calls from her or reply to texts from her. Go stone cold silent. Such an action on your part will drive her crazy and she will spend her days wondering where in cyberspace you have disappeared. If she turns up at your place ignore her. Just play cool answer any question she may have and tell her you have to go as you have other plans. Others on here will be able to tell you how to fine tune this procedure so that you can free yourself from her influence. Warm wishes.

 

I have done so to the best of my ability, there's a lot of loose ends that she turns into arguments in text.

Today I had a breakthru with her.

 

We needed to talk about the taxes, I explained we would be leaving money on the table if we didn't file jointly this year. "When you're right, you're right" I said, and that seemed to please her (I wasn't one to admit I'm wrong very often). She told me how she was having trouble with getting her w2, some bs with the company she works for.

 

I asked her if she'd bring me her w2 when she gets it, I'd file, then we can split it three ways (me, her, my son) and I intend to keep my word on that. After all, she was good to us as much as she could be.

 

I kept my cool, it was a calm conversation, I could hear no averse tone in her voice, she communicated openly. At the end of the call I said "Damn, it seemed like there was something else..." She was patient, which is a new thing so far in this separation/divorce. Then I quickly said "I'm sure it'll come to me."

 

She said "yeah" in an understanding way, not angrily, and I said "hey, have a good day at work". She said "you too" and it sounded genuine.

 

This may not seem like much to most people, but given the contentious nature of our communication thus far. It was relieving, if not heartening.

 

I realize it means nothing, this was business, but it was still nice to handle SOME business without it turning into an argument. I can deal with not being with her, it's more difficult to deal with her constantly treating me like I'm still angry/begging/needy.

 

I have been changed by this and it was nice to see her speak to the new me, rather than the old one.

[StoicHusband]

That really is the least of your worries.

 

Hey man, I just had a quick question for you. What I talked about in the last post, what happened I mean... It's left me thinking a lot.

 

So my question is, does she think about it at all? Does she wonder why I haven't begged? Why I haven't been crushed by this? Does she consider any of this?

 

I know it's hard to really get a clear picture of who people are on a forum, and I have read tons of other threads on here, even contributed where I felt I had something to add... Thing is, their situations sound, idk, different.

 

I'm honestly not backsliding I just want your input on it and I wonder if I did myself a service, or if she's just happy that I'm sticking to business.

 

In the end, I do want to save my marriage and I know I didn't do nearly enough to make it work when she was here. I think I could make the deep, significant changes she needs to see and I am doing them. Will she take notice at all?

 

Have you ever seen a thread where it turned around for people or do they typically just abandon them and move on with their lives?

 

I know in the end, these changes are for me. It just feels weird, like, everything that she wanted is now happening and she isn't here. I would think that if she knew, and knew that I intend to persist in these changes, that it would matter.

 

I realize how this sounds, It's just a loose end in my head, tho. Honestly. Thanks for weighing in.

[Marc878]

Like most she's in the excitement of having another man. With that going on you aren't a second thought. She wants you completely out of the way so there is zero interference.

 

You can't do anything about that. Upfront had you found out what was going on you may have been able to use exposure to break the affair. Make no mistake she has been in this all along they didn't just meet up or were friends before.

 

Unless that ends with her other man you are just living on hope like a lot do.

 

That won't get you much. You're best corse of action is hard no contact. Only the strong can pull this off.

[BluesPower]

Hey man, I just had a quick question for you. What I talked about in the last post, what happened I mean... It's left me thinking a lot.

 

So my question is, does she think about it at all? Does she wonder why I haven't begged? Why I haven't been crushed by this? Does she consider any of this?

 

I know it's hard to really get a clear picture of who people are on a forum, and I have read tons of other threads on here, even contributed where I felt I had something to add... Thing is, their situations sound, idk, different.

 

I'm honestly not backsliding I just want your input on it and I wonder if I did myself a service, or if she's just happy that I'm sticking to business.

 

In the end, I do want to save my marriage and I know I didn't do nearly enough to make it work when she was here. I think I could make the deep, significant changes she needs to see and I am doing them. Will she take notice at all?

 

Have you ever seen a thread where it turned around for people or do they typically just abandon them and move on with their lives?

 

I know in the end, these changes are for me. It just feels weird, like, everything that she wanted is now happening and she isn't here. I would think that if she knew, and knew that I intend to persist in these changes, that it would matter.

 

I realize how this sounds, It's just a loose end in my head, tho. Honestly. Thanks for weighing in.

 

Here is the thing. It does not matter. And you have to understand that she is gone, gone, gone.

 

In the end it just does not matter, she is with her other man, and you need to let her be.

 

If you are asking did the conversation help or hurt your cause. Maybe helped, and you need to keep doing that. Not because you are trying to get her back, but because you don't want her back.

 

Let me tell you what will probably happen. You continue to get yourself together. No internet troll, is that is your thread, now anger, no begging no moping around.

 

And let's say that you start dating a few girl. You band a couple, you get the job done, they want to see you again, bla, bla, bla.

 

So you date a while because you are moving on with your life. By this time the OM probably has dumped her by now, and she is sniffing around you, good old Plan B guy.

 

So one day, it will be obvious that she is really thinking about getting with you. By this time you probably have a girl that is an upgrade in everyway.

 

Hotter, better sex, not a cheater, not crazy. So you are telling me that you would leave that for your crazy, horrible, cheating in the worst way, wife.

 

If you did that I think we would all hunt you down and beat you about the head and neck (Joke folks).

 

Get where I am coming from?

 

Here is a little story for you. When I finally told my ExW that we were done, I went out to my local club. my kids were playing that night and I wanted to support them, so I go. Well she decides to bring one of her GF's for moral support and to watch the kids.

 

During the whole night I must have had, about 5 different women came by and say hi and visit, leaving with a kiss. So I am just taking all of this in knowing that my friends told all of them that I was free.

 

She was fuming. Tried to talk to me and I ignored her and kept enjoying myself. I did not take anyone home that night.

 

The next day she goes off on me. My only response was, "What did you expect?"

 

She did not say another word...