wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[StoicHusband]

Hi stoic, inspite of everything you've written about trying to imbibe the principles of stoicism I think you are a softie at heart. I am not saying that in a deprecating way but more as a statement of fact. In fact I think that if you are truly able to imbibe the principles of stoicism it will help you tremendously in the future. What I understand of stoicism from the little I read of it in history books is that it is an attitude of making oneself impervious to one's natural human feelings both emotional and physical. In it's extreme form it was something which made a person heartless but it was cultivated by a section of Greeks who trained themselves as warriors. This conditioning made them impervious to pain and loss of friends and relatives in battle and therefore made them an effective fighting force. I may be wrong in my interpretation and someone more knowledgeable about the subject is welcome to correct me. However , for this discussion I think what I have described suffices to drive home my point. In any case others better qualified and more experienced will be able to help you on your journey with good advice. You will be needing it in dollops. Warm wishes.

 

Yeah, nah. I mean you could use stoicism to become an unfeeling monster, but that's really not the purpose (that's more the purpose of cynicism). I've never heard of these warriors that you talk about. I've studied the teachings of Epictetus and he makes no mention of learning not to love or care for people. Only how to react positively I'd you do lose someone you love. (As I firmly believe I have done)

 

Again, thanks for the reply. But I think you're confusing the idiom with the ideology. Can this thread be about my situation rather than my username, please? Thanks Just a Guy.

 

I mean... Do people tell bluespower to be more depressing? Amaysngrace to post everything in song?

 

I really wasn't thinking of my username when I was trying to post my thread here. I just wanted to make an account... I thought about what I want to be (her husband) and what I had been doing (reading about philosophy) and BAM there it is.

 

You are literally judging my entire character by the posts I make in the 20 minutes a day I take to talk to others about my wife. That's kinda shortsighted.

Edited February 28, 2018 by StoicHusband

[frigginlost]

This^ I could use some input on. I really do feel like none of this weekend mattered. She is still just as fu**ed up as she has been. She doesn't know what the hell she's doing.

 

I don't intend to dwell on it forever. I just find myself searching for a way to feel like I felt before she came home and left.

 

Ah yes, the proverbial indicator that points to that useless and frustrating saying "time heals".

 

Stoic, buddy, you're doing just fine. Every step you have taken recently is like a roadmap we have all traveled on. It is both enlightening and frustrating. Sadly, it is more frustrating than anything right now and the only thing that changes that is time.

 

Your ex has absolutely no idea what is ahead of her 24 hours from now let alone 2 or 3 years. She is caught up in the moment and the blinders she has on nobody can pierce. Only time will lift the fog she is under.

 

In your case, the way I felt after talking/interacting with my ex-wife was the same that has been mentioned here in many threads; like a drug addict taking another hit. After talking with her, it was like my feelings were "reset" in that I felt good, but days later I felt pretty crummy. That is why so many here advise NC. It takes away the reset. I myself am a LC guy so I looked at everything logically. The chances of getting back with her were next to nil, so I carried that thought all the time. It's brutally painful.

 

As the days start to pass (and in your case I don't think it will take that long) you will start to feel the same way you had. Just don't bury anything. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

 

You got this, and yes, you will definitely hear from her again as the fog starts to lift.

[Be_Strong]

Stoic,

 

You need to prepare yourself for your wife’s inevitable future attempts to get back together with you. As long as you allow it, she will bounce back and forth between you and the other man, and will be hot and cold with you.

 

If you continue to hold on to the mentality that you still want to “save your marriage” and get back together with your wife, you will never heal. Instead, you will start to get better, and then your wife will pop back into your life for a while and then drop you all over again, resetting your progress. You cannot allow yourself to be caught up in this endless, deadend cycle.

 

In order for you to truly heal and move on with your life, you need to reach the point that no matter how hard your wife tries to get back with you, you are certain that you will reject the attempt. If you keep holding out hope for reconciliation, she’ll drive you crazy for years.

 

I don’t want to keep seeing you go through this grief over and over. Work through this grief now, but ensure that it’s the last time. Promise yourself that you and her are done forever as a couple and there’s no going back. Then you can truly heal.

[StoicHusband]

Ah yes, the proverbial indicator that points to that useless and frustrating saying "time heals".

 

Pointless sayings are my specialty. One of my favorites is "if you change nothing, nothing will change." I think it's applicable here. I have got to change the way I feel about her. I've been trying to do that by focusing on all the **** I hate about her. (Hey, it worked wonders last time, even though I fell for her pity party.)

 

Stoic, buddy, you're doing just fine. Every step you have taken recently is like a roadmap we have all traveled on. It is both enlightening and frustrating. Sadly, it is more frustrating than anything right now and the only thing that changes that is time.

 

It is both of those, certainly. And yes, it is mostly frustrating right now, for sure. I'm glad to hear this encouragement though, thank you.

 

Your ex has absolutely no idea what is ahead of her 24 hours from now let alone 2 or 3 years. She is caught up in the moment and the blinders she has on nobody can pierce. Only time will lift the fog she is under.

 

It is so weird to see her operate like this. We always were able to work through anything. Now all of a sudden every rational thought just seems out of her reach. I can't stand seeing my wife this way. I hate to say it, but she feels like a child to me at this point. My concern for her feels a lot like my concern for my son.

 

In your case, the way I felt after talking/interacting with my ex-wife was the same that has been mentioned here in many threads; like a drug addict taking another hit. After talking with her, it was like my feelings were "reset" in that I felt good, but days later I felt pretty crummy. That is why so many here advise NC. It takes away the reset. I myself am a LC guy so I looked at everything logically. The chances of getting back with her were next to nil, so I carried that thought all the time. It's brutally painful.

 

LC? (idk that one... I'll assume limited/low contact?) And YES!!! It is straight up exactly the same thing as a fu#%ing RELAPSE! I felt the same way as that one time I messed up back when I was like 22 and took a hit off some "other ****" and was like "OMFG I'm messing my head up, I can't do this anymore, I was doing so good, why am I doing this?!?!" (Fortunately that was the wakeup call I needed) And I did develop a healthy fear of the stuff. Once after that I was offered and was like TERRIFIED. "Nah, man, I can't I'm a drug addict... don't offer me that ****. I'm clean now."

 

As the days start to pass (and in your case I don't think it will take that long) you will start to feel the same way you had.

 

I appreciate the vote of confidence. I can't even do my appreciation any justice in mere text. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reply. I check this thread many times a day and today I couldn't because of the events I faced throughout the day (which somewhat shook me from my longing for my wife...) (Check below "update".) and I was so happy to get home after such a MESSED UP day and find your reply. Thank you thank you thank you.

 

Just don't bury anything. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

 

Not burying. I know how much it helps to just "get it over with" in that area. I've given up "substances" (no weed, no alcohol, just piles of cigarettes) and I am relying on my brain to sort this out. It's doing a ****ty job so far, but hey, it's only been 3 days and it took damn near 3 weeks to get here last time.

 

You got this, and yes, you will definitely hear from her again as the fog starts to lift.

 

I hate to say it, but part of me sincerely hopes so... Maybe it's just the "love-junkie" in my head that says we can work this out if she's willing to learn to communicate, but I don't know honestly. I feel like a "bad husband" when I think of giving up on her/our marriage. What I always come back to is that we have been together since we were children and I can't get past the thought that we could have another beautiful decade together once she's seen that the grass isn't any greener out there. Maybe once she's the one who gives it her all and gets rejected she'd be able to see my value. But in the end that makes me think of the song "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care! Right? Yeaaah" (Which is a new low for me)

 

The other part also hopes so, just for different reasons... He wants to tell her to "kindly **** off" and let her know that nothing she could say would ever undo the humiliation and degradation he has suffered at the hands of his wife. Love is the most dangerous thing we can do. I've completely opened myself up to her and she's a known backstabber at this point. I hope they're enjoying a good laugh at my expense.

 

Stoic,

 

Yo.

 

You need to prepare yourself for your wife’s inevitable future attempts to get back together with you. As long as you allow it, she will bounce back and forth between you and the other man, and will be hot and cold with you.

 

Is there literally zero chance of a happy ending here? This ... sucks ... ball. You're probably right tho.

 

If you continue to hold on to the mentality that you still want to “save your marriage” and get back together with your wife, you will never heal. Instead, you will start to get better, and then your wife will pop back into your life for a while and then drop you all over again, resetting your progress. You cannot allow yourself to be caught up in this endless, deadend cycle.

 

I intend to seek out new connections with people (both as friends and as "dates".) Hopefully the old adage is true... "The best way to get over someone is to get someone else under you."

 

In order for you to truly heal and move on with your life, you need to reach the point that no matter how hard your wife tries to get back with you, you are certain that you will reject the attempt. If you keep holding out hope for reconciliation, she’ll drive you crazy for years.

 

Crazy... That's the word for it alright. I've never seen myself be the victim, as I am now.

 

Part of my downfall in this area is that I always see crisis as an opportunity. I truly do. When my wife left, just look at how it affected me. I did all that for myself. Sure, partly I am still her husband and so in my head part of this success belongs to her as well (but only kinda) (and only if she does the same and makes opportunity out of the crisis she caused, and I've seen her do it before, so I have no doubt she could... it's a matter of will.)

 

I don’t want to keep seeing you go through this grief over and over. Work through this grief now, but ensure that it’s the last time. Promise yourself that you and her are done forever as a couple and there’s no going back. Then you can truly heal.

 

And I simply can't keep it up over and over either. Maybe, but I'll never truly heal from this. I wrapped up a lot of myself in her. 1/3 of my life is dedicated to her and that fraction is larger for her. Maybe it's already too much, but at this point it feels like not enough. I know marriage means different things to different people. She was truly depressed when I saw her this week. I am more concerned now than ever. I know that's not my problem if I don't want it to be. But I did swear an oath and sign a contract. I take that seriously.

 

Going forward I would not approach it the same way. She'd have to show a much greater effort to get to me again. I won't allow her in and out of my home. I have a son to think about after all. In the end I need to be doing the same as her. It will probably lend me a lot of perspective. I need to meet new women. I need to experience life outside this marriage. I have no basis for comparison at this point. I want to be able to see the things she's seeing. Maybe she's right and we're not in love, that it was all a sham, that we started too young, that we don't belong together... But I couldn't say at this point. I need to get there.

 

That's my next goal. I need to learn how to date, I honestly have no clue as I've spent my entire adult life with her and we basically met in a very "high school" environment, much like she met this guy. I have no such environment to choose from, so I must learn the hard way I'm afraid.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

 

What a ****ty day. First of all I wake up to an email saying my son hasn't completed school work in 3 weeks. I had been checking and he was pretending to do it. I had told him how proud I was, treated him to nights out, gifts, etc. Then I get a truancy warning. I've got this sorted out. No more android phone (made him buy a flipphone with his own money), no more youtube or game addresses on the PC he uses for school. (I'm a total nerd so they're all blocked now). We met with his teacher on video chat to clarify the importance of this.

 

After handling all that, and running late, I had to work at both jobs today and the work was not physically demanding so I thought about her a lot. I'm mostly embarrassed at these thoughts.

 

I talked to a friend after work on the phone, it was very nice to hear someone's voice that isn't my boss (or the other boss).

 

I missed church, there's something going on there tomorrow, tho. Might try to attend if I can. I have "pool school" tomorrow (certification for taking care of the pool at one of my jobs) so it should be an easy day, which sucks. I need heavy lifting to distract me and give me a legitimate reason to be breathless... lol.

 

I was so happy to find replies here. Thanks again to both of you. And of course to BluesPower for checking in, I see your likes on here too, that's encouraging as well...

 

I didn't eat all day and scarfed down a burger in my short time I was driving and on the phone (headset, don't worry, both hands on the wheel and the burger).

 

I felt so much better to be home, I got here early (lol, 9pm is early for me) bout to shower and hit the hay, early morning coming. Gotta be at the health dept at 8:30 it's 11 now, so I should get up at 7 to get some breakfast and make it on time.

 

Surely I'll wake up early... It's honestly the best part of her coming back and leaving again. My appetite is back to zero, gonna lose some more of this belly (There's not much left). Gonna be waking up every 2 hours, so I won't be late for a while til I level out. Hey, you gotta look at positives, right?

 

----

 

I enjoyed typing this. You guys are great to keep up with my thread. I think it's a very long one for this board, especially. I wonder what keeps you all coming back. I honestly do feel a great sense of gratitude for those who still respond. I realize many of these wounds are self-inflicted and that makes me feel I don't deserve such support, and makes me that much more grateful.

 

Sorry for the long post, but not sorry. My mood instantly improved when I noticed I had not just one, but TWO great replies. I think people don't post many times because they'd be repeating themselves... but I'm the type to appreciate constant reassurance. So thank you.

[StoicHusband]

Gotta sit through a stupid class today then take a test. Not looking forward to 8 hrs sitting still.

 

Every time my hands aren't busy I get to thinking about her. I try so hard to think of something else and wind up stuck on her.

 

Leave me some good replies. Lol that's make today worth it.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Nothing new to add...It's all been said before. Just checking in and letting you know prayers are out for you and your son.

[StoicHusband]

Nothing new to add...It's all been said before. Just checking in and letting you know prayers are out for you and your son.

 

I appreciate it man. And honestly none of it can be said enough. It helps every time I read it. Lol

 

This class idea so boring I fell asleep and got in trouble for snoring. It's because my mind is still racing. Makes me tired just like it used to do when we argued.

 

Is it even possible to have a relationship where you share everything AND respect/love one another? Do I have it all wrong? Can a man just not be close with his wife? Does it take a certain detachment to help it going for the long term?

[somanymistakes]

Of course you can have relationships where you share everything and love and respect each other, but both partners have to be giving equally.

 

People, male and female, are often advised to do a little bit of playing hard to get early in a relationship. Not because mind games make for a great relationship, but because it's important for the health of your relationship not to go overboard too quickly. If you approach a guy/girl on the first date with "You're gorgeous, I worship the ground you walk on, I want to marry you, I will do anything in the world to make you happy" ... well, part of them will probably be flattered, part of them will probably be creeped out, and part of them will probably think you're a desperate sad sack with no self-respect. That does not set up a healthy dynamic.

 

Obviously you don't want to be keeping meticulous score all the time in your relationship to be sure that you're both completely equal, that would drain all the joy out of life. But you do need to be careful that you're not giving too much, and that your partner is just as enthusiastic and working just as hard on the relationship as you are.

 

Especially early in a relationship you need to be sure that you have solid boundaries, that you don't always put everyone else's needs in front of your own.

 

I'm sure someone's recommended it to you already, but have you read through 'No More Mister Nice Guy'? As best as I can remember, despite the title, it's not actually about trying to make yourself be mean or a "bad boy" or anything like that, it's about recognising that you sometimes need to take care of yourself first. Your relationships and your family will be happier and healthier if you are happier and healthier. It's that whole 'put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others' thing.

 

As I recall the book is a teeny bit sexist in a few places where it assumes certain things are male-only or female-only, but overall it was decent advice. I think. I hope I'm remembering the right book here! otherwise i'll look pretty stupid haha.

[StoicHusband]

Still, loving people is embarrassing...

 

I feel like my life is dirty. She knows all about it now, I feel like I've been violated.

 

I really won't make that mistake again. Idk if I'd talk to her again, try to work things out, but I do know I won't bring her home like that ever again.

 

Still, I hope I get the chance. I'm sick.

 

Everything is moving faster than it did last time, 3 days or so got me where a month couldn't last time. I think I just need some time and some tail. I wanna start getting out more. My boss has to cut it out with these long ass days.

[Marc878]

Hope will keep you bound to where you are.

 

You’d be best to let that go.

 

Clarity if you can do a hard 180 will come and like most you’ll reflect back and realize it wasn’t as great as you thought.

 

This is a part of who she is. And always was.

[StoicHusband]

Hope will keep you bound to where you are.

 

In the end, I don't think it's such a terrible place to be. It's better than bitterness. At this point I want to form new relationships and see where they go. It'll be a long time before I ever open up like I did with my wife. I think that's smart. But I'd still like to be able to experience something new.

 

It's only been two months. I know I can't hold on forever, but, all said and done, I feel like most people. I want something to hold onto until I have something else to grab hold of. Hope is good enough for now.

 

I hope she's not the monster that she's acting like. I hope this is a head problem that she will address. I hope against hope, I know. I'm not conveying my feelings well. It's back to like it was... a duality of thoughts.

 

In one mind, she could go get the help she needs to communicate. She could realize what she had, which she admitted was great. When she came home she told me all the things that made me feel like an amazing person. Those things I know are true (to her). "Everyone else is so stupid." "There was no love in any of it, not like here, at home." etc. Lies? ... Maybe

 

The other mind says I need some tail. I need new friends. I need to add more to my life now that it feels invaded by her. I let her in and she contaminated it. Everything has to go. I was fine with our old blanket, now it bothers me. I was fine with the car we bought before our little "honeymoon", now it pisses me off starting it up and sitting next to "her seat". I used to be ok with my home... now it feels emptier than ever.

 

You’d be best to let that go.

 

Everything must go. I know, it's easier said than done tho.

 

Clarity if you can do a hard 180 will come and like most you’ll reflect back and realize it wasn’t as great as you thought.

 

I already do. I realize a great many things. I still think it was great. We really were great together and I think almost anyone who knows us would tell you that. I still get calls from people who just found out, they can't believe how well I'm doing and they're pretty ****ing worried about her. A great many of them have told me that we were very inspiring as a couple and one or two of those people have come back and said (about my progress as an individual and single parent) that it's obvious who the inspiration really was (me).

 

This is a part of who she is. And always was.

 

Possibly. I think at one point we wanted the same things. I think now she is ****ed in the head and probably won't realize it until it's too late (for me to care). That's sad and it makes me feel like a bad husband... it's weird. Anyway, changes nothing... I still have to move on eventually. For now, I work too much to even be bothered.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Today I finally played hooky, went to get a haircut at a barber shop I read about. It takes an appointment just to get in. I didn't think that thru...

 

I went to a coffee shop (never been to one because you can't smoke weed there). I asked the barista if there was anything easier to order because the menu was crazy... She asked if I just want some drip coffee, I said great. She asked what kind and I said "Oh pick your favorite for me, please. She smiled at me and handed me a cup. I sat and drank coffee next to a bustling street, it was nice. Sitting in the sun I enjoyed my coffee while talking to a very old friend on the phone.

 

Shortly after, I picked up said friend and we tooled around town and talked about women. We hit a few shops and just looked around, walked around the bohemian district in my city.

 

Heard Paula Abdul on the radio and it reminded me of my sister. Good times, ****ing miss the 90's. **** cellphones, internet, social media, **** it all. It used to be so cool to just go by and see if people were home. Bump into each other in public. Really live a spontaneous life. Now it's all plans and dates and cancellations...

 

I got a call from one of my bosses and the fun was over. I just got off work and grabbed some food. I enjoyed the day a lot and feel pretty good. Tired, but not sleepy (or vice versa). I guess I better get some sleep before it's too late.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

I used to think we'd surely work things out. I don't honestly know anymore. I hope. Not like I hope for one thing or the other... I just hope, plain and simple. I have hope. I know whatever happens will be fine. I'll meet someone new or she'll get the help she needs to make sense of her life. Either way, whatever. It's totally her loss. I'm doing great.

[LifesontheUp]

Let her go and let yourself live Stoic

 

Wish you well, its a hard path but you can do it.

[StoicHusband]

Let her go and let yourself live Stoic

 

Wish you well, its a hard path but you can do it.

 

Letting her go is easy. She gone.

 

It's turning her down where I'll have real issues.

[frigginlost]

 

Today I finally played hooky, went to get a haircut at a barber shop I read about. It takes an appointment just to get in. I didn't think that thru...

 

I went to a coffee shop (never been to one because you can't smoke weed there). I asked the barista if there was anything easier to order because the menu was crazy... She asked if I just want some drip coffee, I said great. She asked what kind and I said "Oh pick your favorite for me, please. She smiled at me and handed me a cup. I sat and drank coffee next to a bustling street, it was nice. Sitting in the sun I enjoyed my coffee while talking to a very old friend on the phone.

 

Shortly after, I picked up said friend and we tooled around town and talked about women. We hit a few shops and just looked around, walked around the bohemian district in my city.

 

Heard Paula Abdul on the radio and it reminded me of my sister. Good times, ****ing miss the 90's. **** cellphones, internet, social media, **** it all. It used to be so cool to just go by and see if people were home. Bump into each other in public. Really live a spontaneous life. Now it's all plans and dates and cancellations...

 

I got a call from one of my bosses and the fun was over. I just got off work and grabbed some food. I enjoyed the day a lot and feel pretty good. Tired, but not sleepy (or vice versa). I guess I better get some sleep before it's too late.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

I used to think we'd surely work things out. I don't honestly know anymore. I hope. Not like I hope for one thing or the other... I just hope, plain and simple. I have hope. I know whatever happens will be fine. I'll meet someone new or she'll get the help she needs to make sense of her life. Either way, whatever. It's totally her loss. I'm doing great.

 

I simply cannot put into words how healthy that sounds. I've got good news for you, it only gets better. Like you, I was a spontaneous guy before "living life" set in and riding the daily grind became the norm. I lost myself somewhere in there and had no clue that I did.

 

As that bugger "time" started to pass by, my eyes started to open to all the things about me that made me attractive to females was now gone. My zest for life had vanished without me even knowing it. As time progressed it slowly came back, and now a day does not go by that some female be it a co-worker, friend, or stranger does not say "you're always so damn happy".

 

I'll sit at a local coffee shop and people watch with friends, join conversations, flirt, and just be the old me.

 

I got hit bad in the ego shattering department. I had an ex-wife that left after nearly 20 years (we were kids when we met) and then the following serious relationship after her, I was cheated on. It's a hell of a rough ride to dust yourself off after something like that.

 

When I read your posts, it's like looking in a mirror. I can see the signs in you that you are in fact healing properly and because of that you're gonna meet someone that you connect with like no other because you've learned so much about yourself. You're gonna project that and not even know it to the next woman. And even better, your ex is gonna pick up on that projection as well. It is then that yes, you're gonna hear from her again. Women can sense confidence in a man in a way that is absolutely mind blowing.

 

Yeah, you're gonna fight that old nemesis "hope" for a while because it's the absolute hardest emotion in the world to get rid of and there is no easy fix for that feeling. Only time.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other just like you're doing...

[StoicHusband]

So, for those following my thread... I sent her that message, I stand by it. Knowing my wife I knew she wouldn't read it until she had something to say, regardless of how trivial or selfish... I was right.

 

She messaged me tonight "did u get the tax return yet?" I haven't decided on what to say or do. I think in ultimately keep our original arrangement. I'll probably wait as long as she did to reply and tell her I'll send her a check when it comes. I think she's depending on the money for something.

 

She may have quit her job. In which case I would like to wait as long as possible just to be ****ty... It's petty but I'm petty too.

 

Idk if i want to give her anything. She's really hurt me..anyway I'm working so please send me some good replies (still intend to respond to the previous post.

 

Looks this forum. Idk where I'd without it.

[amaysngrace]

I think you need to get laid. It will do so much good for you to get all that build up out.

 

Go out, go dance and have fun

[StoicHusband]

... get laid ... have fun ...

 

I honestly do wish I knew where to start here lol. I'm sure I'm not a lost cuase, just tough getting started. It has been a decade since I had to find a girl after all...

 

And I've never had to pick up on women. (as opposed to girls.)

 

Good news is I FINALLY have a weekend off and I have so much cash stacked up. Getting some rest then gonna try to find something to do, if not someone...

 

--------------------------------

 

I had a thought upon waking up on my floor (fell asleep there after getting off work at 4 am.):

 

She came home and said so many things that I had been thinking, about myself, but for her they are negatives...

"Feel like I'm living someone else's life" (Me too, but in a good way), "I've been eating nothing but junk food" (Me too, but I've also worked my ass off, so I've lost weight, while she gained)

 

I guess my point is. I never believed the older guys who told me I'd get the better end of this than she would... I guess I do now tho. Straight from the horse's mouth it's hard to argue with. She ****ed up. Her loss. (just a thought)

Edited March 3, 2018 by StoicHusband

[aliveagain]

I am kind of late to the party but I am going to give you my 2 cents worth of advice. Sign the divorce papers if you haven't already done so. The 17 pages of posts were hard to read, a good man in love with a lying, cheating wife who's whole life is focused on winning her back from some looser. Do you honestly think getting his leftovers will make you happy? It won't because there will always be an imbalance created by her infidelity. You will have images of this ugly, double chinned balding man sweating all over her and you will wonder why she left you for that. Stop making your world all about her. You have a son who plays video games and watches YouTube, do things with him that gets you both out of the house. Take him to Disnyworld, build some great memories that will last him a lifetime(soon he will be too old to want to go). Stop making everything you do about her or about what she's loosing, she doesn't give a sh*t. She wants to keep you as a friend because she knows how you feel about her and knows you'll give her money when she needs it if you think it will get her back.

 

You can't force someone to be married to you. If she's not attracted to you punt her, fire her as your wife because living with another man makes her a really sh*tty wife. I too was where you are, in fact I was one of the luck ones. I had the pleasure of discovering my son wasn't mine but was her affair partners. I named him after my deceased father and raised him for the first year of his life before I found out. What are you trying so hard to hold on to? There is nothing there, we see it now you have to see it or you will never move on. You didn't fail this marriage, she did and it is not up to you to spend anymore of your very valuable life on someone so broken as your soon to be ex wife(STBXW). Cut the rope to the anchor that keeps your ship from sailing to the life you absolutely deserve for you and your son. What are you teaching your son? He watches everything you do, your his example of a perfect marriage. Mommy has a boyfriend, daddy cry's a lot and chases mommy(I took a bit of liberty on that statement and hope you get my point).

 

The best thing you can do is really, really move on. Stop entertaining them, they probably talk about you all the time when they smoke up. It's them against you so don't keep doing this to yourself. It stops when you say it does. She doesn't deserve to be associated with you or your son one moment longer. Get laid, your thinking about her will completely change, trust me on that one. Once she knows other women want you she'll be hovering all over you, be ready for that. Cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet. Your best revenge is to live a great life, please stop putting her on a pedestal, she's nothing but a nasty cheating wife. Get rid of her so you can start your life. My advice is given honestly, I have nothing to gain by giving it, I was where you are a long time ago and want you to know that you will survive this, not as a failure but as a man that took action. Quit giving someone that has no respect for you so much power over your life, make her another face in the crowd. I would love to see you post in 2 or 3 years, you won't be the same man writing, that's a fact.

Edited March 3, 2018 by aliveagain

[StoicHusband]

I am kind of late to the party

 

Story of my life

 

but I am going to give you my 2 cents worth of advice. Sign the divorce papers if you haven't already done so.

 

I intend to. Messaged her about it (and other stuff, it was in previous post) she didn't reply until yesterday "did you get the tax return yet?". Then this morning I wake up to a text "Let me know when you're ready to sign your papers, you know my schedule so just let me know when you can meet me at the notary."

 

It was too late to make it to the notary, so I'll have to just get back to her about it. I really don't know how I feel about it, but hey, whatever... doesn't seem to matter in the least. I'm to the point that this is her loss. I know my life is gonna be good.

 

The 17 pages of posts were hard to read, a good man in love with a lying, cheating wife who's whole life is focused on winning her back from some looser. Do you honestly think getting his leftovers will make you happy? It won't because there will always be an imbalance created by her infidelity. You will have images of this ugly, double chinned balding man sweating all over her and you will wonder why she left you for that.

 

I worry about that too. I got a glimpse of it when she came home and left again. I'm pretty sure I don't want her back, it just has never been in my nature to discard people in this way. I guess it's something you have to get used to when they're willing to do it to you.

 

Stop making your world all about her. You have a son who plays video games and watches YouTube, do things with him that gets you both out of the house. Take him to Disnyworld, build some great memories that will last him a lifetime(soon he will be too old to want to go).

 

Disneyworld is a bit of a longshot, but I do make every effort to get us out of the house as often as possible. It's why I work so much. I like having the money to blow on him. Arcades, pizza joints, etc... It's been really nice.

 

Stop making everything you do about her or about what she's losing, she doesn't give a sh*t. She wants to keep you as a friend because she knows how you feel about her and knows you'll give her money when she needs it if you think it will get her back.

 

I think she knows I won't do that. I'm kinda "cheap" in that way. I just really ain't sure about how to handle any of this. I hate being in a position where I have to be the *******. But that's where I am.

 

You can't force someone to be married to you. If she's not attracted to you punt her, fire her as your wife because living with another man makes her a really sh*tty wife. I too was where you are, in fact I was one of the lucky ones. I had the pleasure of discovering my son wasn't mine but was her affair partners. I named him after my deceased father and raised him for the first year of his life before I found out.

 

Damn. Ouch man. Things going better, I assume?

 

What are you trying so hard to hold on to? There is nothing there, we see it now you have to see it or you will never move on. You didn't fail this marriage, she did and it is not up to you to spend anymore of your very valuable life on someone so broken as your soon to be ex wife(STBXW). Cut the rope to the anchor that keeps your ship from sailing to the life you absolutely deserve for you and your son.

 

I suppose I haven't because there is no guarantee of that life... But honestly recent events have shown me that it's a near-certainty. I just worry that I'll wind up settling for someone who is less beautiful, less domestically inclined, less invested... Then again the alternative is settling for someone who never put me first or stood up to me at all.

 

What are you teaching your son? He watches everything you do, your his example of a perfect marriage. Mommy has a boyfriend, daddy cry's a lot and chases mommy(I took a bit of liberty on that statement and hope you get my point).

 

I'm teaching him how to carry on after a life-shattering event. She's not his mommy, I've made that clear. Daddy never cries in front of him (as a matter of fact, I don't think I've cried over this at all... I've tried (thinking that it was something that had to happen eventually) but couldn't. I guess part of me knows that this was going to happen eventually and that she was never truly a wife. She never stood up to her family for me, she never took my side in any confrontation, she never supported my goals, she never had my back at all. This affair is really just the tip of the iceberg. I'm definitely aware on some level that this was never good, at least, not as good as I made it up to me in my head.

 

I'm reminded of the NIN lyrics from "Only".

 

"I just made you up, to hurt myself

I just made you up, to hurt myself

and it worked (yes it did)

There is no YOU, there is only ME"

 

My son knows everything. He knows also, that failure isn't an option for me. That I don't sit around and mope. He knows that I am always gonna be there working for me and him. He has never seen me cry, get angry, show cowardice, etc. I am showing my son how to handle this and I'm showing him well. When she left I explained to him that it will always be me and him. When she came back I told him she could easily leave again. When she left again I told him that nothing has changed... It's always gonna work out for us. He really didn't take it hard the second time.

 

The best thing you can do is really, really move on. Stop entertaining them, they probably talk about you all the time when they smoke up. It's them against you so don't keep doing this to yourself. It stops when you say it does. She doesn't deserve to be associated with you or your son one moment longer.

 

This is almost a certainty. It's probably the hardest part of it for me. She's a backstabber. She did it to me, then to him, now she's doing it to me again. What always irritates me about this is how stupid people always seems to win at stupid people games. I know how I feel about it. This man threatens me in no way whatsoever. He's not in the same boat with her that I've always been. She's on top, the gatekeeper, she holds the keys to the relationship. He better always do what she wants or she's gonna hurt him the same way she hurt me.

 

Get laid, your thinking about her will completely change, trust me on that one.

 

Any advice on how to get started is always helpful. lol I'm not trying to sound pathetic, because I'm not. I can carry a conversation, women find me very intriguing, I've turned down numerous advances in the last ten years. Problem is, all that seems to have sorta died off... I'm never around people. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have no idea where I could meet someone.

 

I think first I gotta get myself in order. I need a new haircut, car, and a few other self improvements to feel confident about me. After that I suppose it'll all come together. It always has. I never had any girl that wasn't considered a "dimepiece"

 

Once she knows other women want you she'll be hovering all over you, be ready for that. Cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet.

 

She knows my nature too tho. I SUCK AT HOLDING GRUDGES. I can't emphasize that enough. Not even close... I cannot stay mad at someone to save my life. I'm not a "pushover" in fact I'm considered a d!ck by most people. It's just that once it's squashed, it's squashed.

 

I really do no know how I'll feel about her, say, after I do get some "action". I really do have one mindset where, hey we were kids, it's only been two months, she's obviously unhappy... I need some action myself, maybe things could work out for us... It's sick. I know.

 

Your best revenge is to live a great life, please stop putting her on a pedestal, she's nothing but a nasty cheating wife. Get rid of her so you can start your life.

 

That definitely will happen. I don't know anyone who has come as far in life as I have. I will have the best of everything, I guarantee it. I just have to get my head around the idea of getting rid of her. I know it'll come. I think it's best to go one step at a time.

 

My advice is given honestly, I have nothing to gain by giving it, I was where you are a long time ago and want you to know that you will survive this, not as a failure but as a man that took action.

 

I never "react" I only act. Action is the only way to get thru something like this. It's what has all my friends impressed.

 

Quit giving someone that has no respect for you so much power over your life, make her another face in the crowd. I would love to see you post in 2 or 3 years, you won't be the same man writing, that's a fact.

 

Here's to the future.

[Marc878]

You're putting way more time in this than she's worth

[StoicHusband]

You're putting way more time in this than she's worth

 

Yeah, this whole thing has sorta highlighted the inferiority complex that I struggle with. It's prompting me to take action on it. Thanks for the comment Marc.

 

(To clarify, did you mean the forum, the marriage, my attitude? Not sure why you posted this today. Just curious)

[Marc878]

Yeah, this whole thing has sorta highlighted the inferiority complex that I struggle with. It's prompting me to take action on it. Thanks for the comment Marc.

 

(To clarify, did you mean the forum, the marriage, my attitude? Not sure why you posted this today. Just curious)

 

Just to clarify for you. You have a life to live. She's not worth any more of your thoughts, time, etc.

 

I get it. You need to get it off your chest and that's a good thing.

 

Don't make the mistake of investing any more what it's on this.

 

She is who she is and you can't fix or change that. Instead make yourself as complete as to can which can/will attract a better type of woman.

 

You don't NEED her. She's just a want. Nothing more.

 

You have value so use it on something/someone who's worth it.

[StoicHusband]

I'm with you on this.

 

You have a life to live. She's not worth any more of your thoughts, time, etc.

 

Yeah, absolutely. I have a great life in front of me. Going really good so far.

 

I get it. You need to get it off your chest and that's a good thing.

 

Definitely. Talking on here is one of the only places I actually interact with people who aren't my bosses. I have a really hard time right now because all my friends make plans, then cancel, my family are all busy (everyone is facing something, after all), I work constantly and my son is always lying any time I spend time with him, so it makes it incredibly frustrating to do so (which I'm not saying that I don't spend time with him, because I do.)

 

Don't make the mistake of investing any more what it's on this.

 

Not sure what you mean. Though from the timing and context of your replies I think you reckon I'm spending hours preparing a post on this forum. I use a PC usually, not a mobile phone. Sometimes I reply on mobile, those are the short ones. I type very fast, I have a strong command of written word, and I am very articulate. This leads people (not just here, but everywhere on the internet) to think: A. I'm angry/emotional/etc... or B. I'm spending WAY too long replying to their post.

 

She is who she is and you can't fix or change that. Instead make yourself as complete as to can which can/will attract a better type of woman.

 

Yes, obviously. I have no control over her/her actions. I get that and I've spoken at length about it in this forum.

 

Instead make yourself as complete as to can which can/will attract a better type of woman.

 

I'm attempting to do so. The advice here has been helpful in doing so, but also the accountability of people stopping by, telling me I'm doing good, or not... etc.

 

That's why your post confused me today. I mean, I was headed out (I thought) to coffee with friends, I got up and showered, got dressed, fixed my hair/beard, smelling good, etc... They canceled so, I went alone. I chilled out and then got a call from my sister, we talked and I finished my coffee and went shopping for a few things I needed. This seemed to be the right way to spend a day off.

 

I felt like I was doing good "letting go" and then your reply was somewhat vexing. I appreciate it all the same. I just feel like you're picturing a different set of circumstances in my line-by-line replies to you guys.

 

You don't NEED her. She's just a want. Nothing more.

 

I know I don't need her. I do place a value on the things I want tho. I want a relationship that lasts from when she and I started, til the day I die. That has a high value to me. If all I had to do was wait until she overcomes these personal issues she faces, then hey, I can wait. In the meantime I'll go get some strange, too. F--- it.

 

You have value so use it on something/someone who's worth it.

 

Thanks man. You're a valuable guy too. I always see you on here helping people out and I think that's great. Remember tho, hindsight is 20/20... I assume personal/relationship issues brought you on here in the first place. Did you handle it in the way you advise others to do now?

 

I'm not trying to be defensive. I've just noticed that people who give the best advice (for me) tend to lean toward the side of "you need time" and you lean more to the side of "don't waste another second"... I understand both, I just have always been in love with my wife, it's taking time to realize that it's over and I'm not in a rush to hurt anyone, even if they hurt me. Revenge isn't my thing as I mentioned in a recent post.

 

18-28 years old, she was faithful and loving... now for the last two months she's started to think (maybe) she wants someone else... Then she says it's making her miserable... Then I tried to communicate to her (she hates that) and she left again... It's still only been two months.

 

As much as I want to give it up, throw in the towel, tell her to kick rocks... It's hard. It's hard to picture a world where a good woman would want to be treated like a dog by a nasty, bloated geek who has no goals or ambitions whatsoever... but not impossible. I have seen enough to know at some point it must be accepted. Until then, I'll keep looking out for me and my son, and hold off on calling my wife nasty names and dismissing her.

 

I wish there was a way to better communicate my position, I'm keeping the door open for change, this is just where I'm at right now.

 

(I spent 7 minutes typing this, now I'm taking my son out for dinner. Thanks for the reply, Marc.)

[Marc878]

 

I'm not trying to be defensive. I've just noticed that people who give the best advice (for me) tend to lean toward the side of "you need time" and you lean more to the side of "don't waste another second"... I understand both, I just have always been in love with my wife, it's taking time to realize that it's over and I'm not in a rush to hurt anyone, even if they hurt me. Revenge isn't my thing as I mentioned in a recent post.

 

Don't make the mistake of projecting you're feelings onto her. She's told and shown you she doesn't feel that way about you

 

18-28 years old, she was faithful and loving... now for the last two months she's started to think (maybe) she wants someone else... Then she says it's making her miserable... Then I tried to communicate to her (she hates that) and she left again... It's still only been two months.

 

As much as I want to give it up, throw in the towel, tell her to kick rocks... It's hard. It's hard to picture a world where a good woman would want to be treated like a dog by a nasty, bloated geek who has no goals or ambitions whatsoever... but not impossible. I have seen enough to know at some point it must be accepted. Until then, I'll keep looking out for me and my son, and hold off on calling my wife nasty names and dismissing her.

 

The problem is she's not a good woman. Look at her actions. Take her off the pedestal you have her on.

 

 

(I spent 7 minutes typing this, now I'm taking my son out for dinner. Thanks for the reply, Marc.)

 

Good, spend time with your son. He needs it and will appreciate it. He's worthy of your time and effort. Become a great father if you aren't already. Another attractive trait to have

 

 

I lived alone for 5 years. It was hard upfront but there are benefits. Independence in a man is an attractive trait to have. You'll learn a lot and if you put in the effort come out a better man.

[aliveagain]

I'm with you on this.

 

 

 

Yeah, absolutely. I have a great life in front of me. Going really good so far.

 

 

 

Definitely. Talking on here is one of the only places I actually interact with people who aren't my bosses. I have a really hard time right now because all my friends make plans, then cancel, my family are all busy (everyone is facing something, after all), I work constantly and my son is always lying any time I spend time with him, so it makes it incredibly frustrating to do so (which I'm not saying that I don't spend time with him, because I do.)

 

 

 

Not sure what you mean. Though from the timing and context of your replies I think you reckon I'm spending hours preparing a post on this forum. I use a PC usually, not a mobile phone. Sometimes I reply on mobile, those are the short ones. I type very fast, I have a strong command of written word, and I am very articulate. This leads people (not just here, but everywhere on the internet) to think: A. I'm angry/emotional/etc... or B. I'm spending WAY too long replying to their post.

 

 

 

Yes, obviously. I have no control over her/her actions. I get that and I've spoken at length about it in this forum.

 

 

 

I'm attempting to do so. The advice here has been helpful in doing so, but also the accountability of people stopping by, telling me I'm doing good, or not... etc.

 

That's why your post confused me today. I mean, I was headed out (I thought) to coffee with friends, I got up and showered, got dressed, fixed my hair/beard, smelling good, etc... They canceled so, I went alone. I chilled out and then got a call from my sister, we talked and I finished my coffee and went shopping for a few things I needed. This seemed to be the right way to spend a day off.

 

I felt like I was doing good "letting go" and then your reply was somewhat vexing. I appreciate it all the same. I just feel like you're picturing a different set of circumstances in my line-by-line replies to you guys.

 

 

 

I know I don't need her. I do place a value on the things I want tho. I want a relationship that lasts from when she and I started, til the day I die. That has a high value to me. If all I had to do was wait until she overcomes these personal issues she faces, then hey, I can wait. In the meantime I'll go get some strange, too. F--- it.

 

 

 

Thanks man. You're a valuable guy too. I always see you on here helping people out and I think that's great. Remember tho, hindsight is 20/20... I assume personal/relationship issues brought you on here in the first place. Did you handle it in the way you advise others to do now?

 

I'm not trying to be defensive. I've just noticed that people who give the best advice (for me) tend to lean toward the side of "you need time" and you lean more to the side of "don't waste another second"... I understand both, I just have always been in love with my wife, it's taking time to realize that it's over and I'm not in a rush to hurt anyone, even if they hurt me. Revenge isn't my thing as I mentioned in a recent post.

 

18-28 years old, she was faithful and loving... now for the last two months she's started to think (maybe) she wants someone else... Then she says it's making her miserable... Then I tried to communicate to her (she hates that) and she left again... It's still only been two months.

 

As much as I want to give it up, throw in the towel, tell her to kick rocks... It's hard. It's hard to picture a world where a good woman would want to be treated like a dog by a nasty, bloated geek who has no goals or ambitions whatsoever... but not impossible. I have seen enough to know at some point it must be accepted. Until then, I'll keep looking out for me and my son, and hold off on calling my wife nasty names and dismissing her.

 

I wish there was a way to better communicate my position, I'm keeping the door open for change, this is just where I'm at right now.

 

(I spent 7 minutes typing this, now I'm taking my son out for dinner. Thanks for the reply, Marc.)

 

Broken people look for people that are more broken then themselves to have affairs with, helps them feel better about themselves without doing the work required. The thing you need to realize is filing for divorce doesn't always mean the divorce will happen. Divorces take time, she has until the final decree to prove she's 100% for the marriage. What it does do is show her you are moving on with or without her. I promise you she will take your lawyer seriously when she is served. Just to be clear, she doesn't need your approval to divorce you. You are hung up on a woman that doesn't want to be with you. If any of us saw any hope for reconciliation we would suggest you take your time and really think things through. I just don't see that from what you have posted, her actions confirmed her position regarding you and your marriage. Your goal is to get yourself out of infidelity as quickly as possible. The sooner you end things with her the sooner your healing will start. She is just plain not remorseful, it's like she wants to hurt you every chance she gets. You will need independent counselling to help you get through this because you don't want to carry anything negative from this experience into your next relationship.

 

To answer you, yes, things are going a h*ll of a lot better for me. I took care of my situation, she is gone. She turned into a stalker and because of her actions I to this day remain unlisted. She attempted to take her own life, once before I moved out, twice after. The only time I ever think about her now is when I refer to her when I post otherwise she is out of my life. My life is so much better without her. I am sort of retired(for the third time, lol, I was way too young the first time) but I sit on an Advisory Board for a world class Medical Company. My life is everything she ever wanted, call it Karma.