wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[aliveagain]

The sportier the car, the bigger the engine the higher the insurance. Be careful on imports, depending on where you are you may be restricted as to who you deal with and parts availability. Service may take longer, there may be waiting periods. Get a car because you like it not because you want to rub it in your future ex's face. If you really like it and it fits your practical needs too, it is OK if it causes her a little jealousy. Nothing like when she finds out your dating someone(cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet). I found the best way to meet women was through introductions from friends, people you know. Women you typically meet in bars are rarely who they portray themselves to be, same with men. If you try too hard(action) you'll scare women away, just be yourself. Honesty is very hard to find in a bar.

[StoicHusband]

I think I might have landed the perfect one.

 

It's a 4x4, it's got a performance package, it's under ten grand... As long as they find me a lender it's all set. Nice little pickup. (On the plains, they're chick magnets as well) low miles, too. Awesome

 

She's messaging me like crazy. I'm not responding. Idk what there is left to say. "We have to talk eventually" I don't think we do... "Pease respond" what would I say tho? Lol

 

Chilling at the bar right now. Couple beers and I'm headed home. Gotta get to work early tomorrow.

[whichwayisup]

I think I might have landed the perfect one.

 

It's a 4x4, it's got a performance package, it's under ten grand... As long as they find me a lender it's all set. Nice little pickup. (On the plains, they're chick magnets as well) low miles, too. Awesome

 

She's messaging me like crazy. I'm not responding. Idk what there is left to say. "We have to talk eventually" I don't think we do... "Pease respond" what would I say tho? Lol

 

Chilling at the bar right now. Couple beers and I'm headed home. Gotta get to work early tomorrow.

 

Be honest. That you don't feel like talking will solve anything and it's best for her to give you space and not text bomb you.

[Cullenbohannon]

Silence is louder than thunder.

 

(Unless your talking about Softails and Fatboys.)

Edited March 14, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[StoicHusband]

Be honest.

 

Then I would tell her that she's a ****ing idiot. I would say that she's stupid to think any of this will make her happier and that I am doing better without her than I could ever have done with her.

 

I would tell her that she's not the person I thought she was and that I am almost happy she's gone. I'd let her know that the only thing I miss are the ten years we shared, during which, we were truly happy and knew what life held for us. I would say that she's a fool to think that this man she's known for a few months can change (with no proof) instead of believing that her husband can change (with proof).

 

I would say I don't see her angle here. I would say "what is your ****ing endgame?" I would say a lot that would lead to further conversation, which I am not interested in.

 

Instead, I say nothing.

[Marc878]

Then I would tell her that she's a ****ing idiot. I would say that she's stupid to think any of this will make her happier and that I am doing better without her than I could ever have done with her.

 

I would tell her that she's not the person I thought she was and that I am almost happy she's gone. I'd let her know that the only thing I miss are the ten years we shared, during which, we were truly happy and knew what life held for us. I would say that she's a fool to think that this man she's known for a few months can change (with no proof) instead of believing that her husband can change (with proof).

 

I would say I don't see her angle here. I would say "what is your ****ing endgame?" I would say a lot that would lead to further conversation, which I am not interested in.

 

Instead, I say nothing.

 

Perhaps the hardest thing to do but by far the best.

 

If you rply at all just text "sign the papers".

[amaysngrace]

I don't mean to rag on you Stoic but if drinking is becoming a habit you may need to develop some new coping skills.

 

I'd sure hate to see you go down a bad path when you've been making such great progress.

 

I'm not saying that it is becoming a crutch, only you would know that. Just that you've brought it up a few times now so I have to, in good conscience, mention it.

 

You cool?

[StoicHusband]

I don't mean to rag on you Stoic but if drinking is becoming a habit you may need to develop some new coping skills.

 

I'd sure hate to see you go down a bad path when you've been making such great progress.

 

I'm not saying that it is becoming a crutch, only you would know that. Just that you've brought it up a few times now so I have to, in good conscience, mention it.

 

You cool?

 

Totally good. I go to the bar to talk to people mostly. I enjoy a few beers most nights. I don't ever see myself letting it get out of hand. My dad was a ****head alcoholic. I'll never be that.

 

I just notice that in my city everyone meets in bars or school. I'm not in school so kinda stuck with it. It sure beats being home alone constantly.

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, good to see you doing well. Just keep up the good spirits( Not the alcoholic kind.) One of your previous posts reminded me of the Simon and Garfunkle song, 'Sounds of Silence'. Have you found any one of the fairer sex to keep you company when you dine out or go to a movie? Someone on your arm? Would do your mood a world of good! Warm wishes.

[StoicHusband]

Hi stoic, good to see you doing well. Just keep up the good spirits( Not the alcoholic kind.) One of your previous posts reminded me of the Simon and Garfunkle song, 'Sounds of Silence'. Have you found any one of the fairer sex to keep you company when you dine out or go to a movie? Someone on your arm? Would do your mood a world of good! Warm wishes.

 

Dude, I'm trying. Lol

 

I've gotten myself fixed up, new clothes, haircut, new truck. I'm honestly enjoying being alone. I'm doing everything I should be doing to make myself a viable date option for some nice lady. It's just that there is a real shortage of single women in this city.

 

I'll be alright until I meet my next future ex-wife. (Lol) my mood is good. I'm enjoying time out with friends and family on occasion.

 

Trying to get more time with my boy. That's hard because he won't finish his school work so we can have time together. But I feel he's slowly getting the point that I'm done with his bs and it's not gonna be fun until he gets on my good side.

 

I have difficulty knowing how to attract women. Most advise to let them engage me, which is totally what I'd choose. Hopefully that happens. Sometimes tho it feels like I should engage them and that makes me draw sa blank. Idk what I'd say. I've never had to do this before and I feel rusty as Hell. Last time I had to meet someone I was 19. It was a bit easier back then lol.

[StoicHusband]

What in the **** is going on in my head? Idk if it's the weather, the lack of steady work right now, or something else but I'm kinda backsliding a bit.

 

So like, naturally, she ignored my message for a week, then messages me saying she wants to sign the papers about the time I started to enjoy myself again. (asking about tax money) Then she messages the next day talking about signing the papers, notaries were already closed. So I go on with life, she messages me again 2-3 days after that about the refund.

 

Finally I messaged her back today, told her I don't have time to deal with her mess right now. I said I'd let her know when I have some news. She responded "just wanted a response". Why should I ****ing care what she wants?

 

I don't get it. Why am I still trying to think of how to make it work? Why am I anticipating another apology and more headgames from her?

 

I do want her back, but honestly I'm finally seeing interest from other women, they're noticing me and flirting back, etc. Nothing solid yet, but I'm finally feeling attractive and getting confidence back.

 

Then today, after she replied, all I can think about is what to say to spike her interest. It's killing me. I feel so ready to be done and at the same time I just want her to talk about this with me.

 

I'm all messed up. No clue where I'm going from here.

[BluesPower]

What in the **** is going on in my head? Idk if it's the weather, the lack of steady work right now, or something else but I'm kinda backsliding a bit.

 

So like, naturally, she ignored my message for a week, then messages me saying she wants to sign the papers about the time I started to enjoy myself again. (asking about tax money) Then she messages the next day talking about signing the papers, notaries were already closed. So I go on with life, she messages me again 2-3 days after that about the refund.

 

Finally I messaged her back today, told her I don't have time to deal with her mess right now. I said I'd let her know when I have some news. She responded "just wanted a response". Why should I ****ing care what she wants?

 

I don't get it. Why am I still trying to think of how to make it work? Why am I anticipating another apology and more headgames from her?

 

I do want her back, but honestly I'm finally seeing interest from other women, they're noticing me and flirting back, etc. Nothing solid yet, but I'm finally feeling attractive and getting confidence back.

 

Then today, after she replied, all I can think about is what to say to spike her interest. It's killing me. I feel so ready to be done and at the same time I just want her to talk about this with me.

 

I'm all messed up. No clue where I'm going from here.

 

That is what any contact does in this situation... and while you cannot be completely no contact, you really need to limit as much as possible.

 

Try not to beat yourself up too much. You still have feelings for her, I don't know why but you do.

 

It will take some more time to get past those but you will get past them. And when you finally do, don't beat yourself up for being so stupid that it took you that long for those feeling to die.

 

I still have feelings for several ex GFs, and this is really saying something for me. I don't have feelings for my ExW except hatred. It is kind of a white hot seething hatred that has dissipated some, but it is still there.

 

You will get to the point that you really don't care at all about her.

 

Just try and keep the contact to absolutely as little as possible, and you will pull out of this soon...

[StoicHusband]

That is what any contact does in this situation... and while you cannot be completely no contact, you really need to limit as much as possible.

 

And I really do try.

 

Try not to beat yourself up too much. You still have feelings for her, I don't know why but you do.

 

I do because I had a strong connection with her. I can't help but feel like her husband even when she doesn't feel like my wife. It sucks. Giving up feels like being a bad husband and that's not what I am. I am stuck on it, dude.

 

I can't help the feeling that she is making a mistake and that none of this will make either of us happier.

 

It will take some more time to get past those but you will get past them. And when you finally do, don't beat yourself up for being so stupid that it took you that long for those feeling to die.

 

I hope it comes. It feels impossible right now.

 

You will get to the point that you really don't care at all about her.

 

I have had this feeling, it was fleeting. Perhaps it will return and gain permanence.

 

Just try and keep the contact to absolutely as little as possible, and you will pull out of this soon...

 

I do, and I hope I will.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My thoughts right now are that I may have pushed her away and that's not what I want. If she wants to go, so be it. I can move on. I can live without her and I've shown that to myself and everyone else. But I can't live with the thought of being the one who ended it. I can't stand thinking that something I said or did caused this to move beyond the point of reconciliation.

 

I know it's not smart, I realize the odds are against us. I know that there is little hope. But I know there is hope. I want to make the most of that, because it keeps me going. I want to say something to open the door, without begging. I want to let her know I'd be here if she honestly cared, but not unless she was sincere and determined. I just don't know how to communicate that, or if it's possible at all.

 

Thanks BluesPower, hope you're doing good.

[Marc878]

Get out of the betrayed spouse syndrome.

 

It was somehow my fault?

 

Look man you're not perfect none of us are.

 

She's not perfect either.

 

Did you go out and start screwing another woman because she's not perfect or did/said things you didn't like?

 

See the difference?

 

You don't cut this **** out you'll stay where you are.

[StoicHusband]

Get out of the betrayed spouse syndrome.

 

It was somehow my fault?

 

Look man you're not perfect none of us are.

 

She's not perfect either.

 

Did you go out and start screwing another woman because she's not perfect or did/said things you didn't like?

 

See the difference?

 

You don't cut this **** out you'll stay where you are.

 

You're probably right. I'll just chalk this panic up to a bad day. I mean in the end if her lack of communication frustrates her so bad that every now and then she's gonna run out and do this **** then what's the point of trying?

 

I appreciate the dose of reality. Still it sticks with me, the thought that she could learn something from this and we could move forward as we should, if not for me pushing her away. I struggle with social **** anyway. This is as social as it gets.

 

In the end, yes. She could do this again, even if we did mend our relationship... but so could the next one. This is what keeps me ****ed up. I know it'll pass. Thanks guys.

[Marc878]

You keep wanting/waiting for her to "get it". You are the one who isn't "getting it".

 

This is a part of who she is. Aliens didn't come down and suck her brains out. Change her over night.

 

You're living on hopium that she's going to all of a sudden have an epiphany and all of a sudden she's going to be the woman you always dreamed her to be.

 

You are setting yourself up for constant dissapointment.

 

Right now your biggest problem isn't her it's you.

 

Better wake up here or you are hoping to linger in this much longer than you should.

[StoicHusband]

You keep wanting/waiting for her to "get it". You are the one who isn't "getting it".

 

This is a part of who she is. Aliens didn't come down and suck her brains out. Change her over night.

 

You're living on hopium that she's going to all of a sudden have an epiphany and all of a sudden she's going to be the woman you always dreamed her to be.

 

You are setting yourself up for constant dissapointment.

 

Right now your biggest problem isn't her it's you.

 

Better wake up here or you are hoping to linger in this much longer than you should.

 

It's a possibility. Not one that I've ignored, either. Marc, I can't help but feel like you are often applying some emotion that you felt/feel to the situation I'm in.

 

This isn't to be defensive, but I am trying/have tried to explain to you that I'm not some idiot who can't see what's in front of him. It's difficult to overcome the other thoughts tho.

 

Here's why: Why shouldn't I expect that one day she'll realize that she had it better with a man who built her up, than the one who tears her down? Why shouldn't I hope that she'd soon prefer our lovely home over his dank apartment? Why shouldn't I hope that she'd miss my son and get sick of her bfs couch-surfing brother?

 

It's not so far-fetched if you think about it for a moment. That's all I'm saying. Still, you're applying too much emphasis to things I'd just like a bit of input on.

 

In the end I'm still kicking ass and taking names. I still love my new life. I still have high hopes for my future... I'm not just sitting here waiting on her, so can you ease up just a bit?

 

I feel like your advice would be more helpful if it wasn't so bitter and accusatory. Damn, dude. I feel like I'm doing pretty well, here... Can I not come here for a bit of advice without being made to feel like a fool?

 

As I always say, tho thanks for the advice. No input is unhelpful, I just can't help but think you are probably a wealth of info/encouragement when you're not attacking people you deem less mentally tough than yourself.

 

Tell me if I'm out of line, but there seems to be a "tone" to your replies.

[Marc878]

Nope, it's just that if you're stuck in that mode it'll prohibit you from fully realizing what you can/should be. I think we all lean more from our mistakes than our successes

[BluesPower]

It's a possibility. Not one that I've ignored, either. Marc, I can't help but feel like you are often applying some emotion that you felt/feel to the situation I'm in.

 

This isn't to be defensive, but I am trying/have tried to explain to you that I'm not some idiot who can't see what's in front of him. It's difficult to overcome the other thoughts tho.

 

Here's why: Why shouldn't I expect that one day she'll realize that she had it better with a man who built her up, than the one who tears her down? Why shouldn't I hope that she'd soon prefer our lovely home over his dank apartment? Why shouldn't I hope that she'd miss my son and get sick of her bfs couch-surfing brother?

 

It's not so far-fetched if you think about it for a moment. That's all I'm saying. Still, you're applying too much emphasis to things I'd just like a bit of input on.

 

In the end I'm still kicking ass and taking names. I still love my new life. I still have high hopes for my future... I'm not just sitting here waiting on her, so can you ease up just a bit?

 

I feel like your advice would be more helpful if it wasn't so bitter and accusatory. Damn, dude. I feel like I'm doing pretty well, here... Can I not come here for a bit of advice without being made to feel like a fool?

 

As I always say, tho thanks for the advice. No input is unhelpful, I just can't help but think you are probably a wealth of info/encouragement when you're not attacking people you deem less mentally tough than yourself.

 

Tell me if I'm out of line, but there seems to be a "tone" to your replies.

 

No buddy, marc is totally right...let me tell you why.

 

All of this HOPE that you have is delusional in every way.

 

But first I want you to think about a few things...

 

She was and has been screwing this guy and probably some others way longer than you can even imagine.

 

Putting you at risk of god knows what, aids??? herpes??? or just the standard ones that we learned about in school.

 

And guess what, she never gave you or what she was doing a second thought.

 

She treated you like **** because that meant that she had the right to screw anyone that she wanted.

 

I want you to think about all of that. Because here is the deal, you are lucky that you did not catch a serious STD, it is just blind luck.

 

Now, besides all of that, she has told you in her own words that she does not love you... NEWS FLASH, she probably never, ever did. You were just too young and inexperienced to realize it.

 

I know that I was. I was with a woman for 26 YEARS that screwed me over 9 ways to Sunday. And because I loved her I could never figure out that she never loved me in any way. I was simply good breeding stock, and a pay check.

 

And you my brother were not much more to her.

 

I could go on and on. But here is the bottom line. You are not stupid, you are not and idiot you are just a man that loved the wrong women.

 

Now, in a while, when you find the right women, your world is going to change more than you can imagine.

 

Imagine a woman that IS attracted to you just for being you. Imagine a woman that is genuinely appreciative of your hard work. Imagine a woman that you have no doubts about. Imagine a woman that builds you up and never tears you down. Imagine a woman that is thankful to have you, one that really loves you and is appreciative of the love that you have for her.

 

That, if you continue learning to be a strong man, that is where you are headed in your life.

 

You are not there yet, but you are getting there. The first rule of learning to be a strong proud man is, that when you realize that your woman is and has been cheating on you, she is dust to you. You just leave her where she dropped and you never look back.

 

Part of the problem is you don't know what a good woman and a good relationship is all about.

 

There is not hope here for your relationship with her and there should not be, nor should you want any type of relationship with her.

 

The hope that you hold out for her is harming you and I realize you don't believe that. Do all of us a favor, and you do yourself a favor as well, you just need to trust us.

 

We have all been through this in one way or another. And we are telling you that you need to forget her, no matter what it takes, forget her.

 

You no I am not trying to be hard, I am just telling you the truth...

[Marc878]

Not to mention she's dumped you twice now. Don't set yourself up fir thirds.

 

I've managed up to 750 people at a time. I have to make sound decisions based on what I know at the time. I don't hesitate.

 

I have to be black and white, straight to the point. There can be no misunderstanding of what I say. If you do that in business you don't know what you're going to end up with.

 

It may come across as harsh but it's not. It's reality as I see it but it's an option.

 

Take what you need and leave the rest.

[aliveagain]

Your wife has a younger boyfriend, she changed her name back to her single name and posted it on Facebook so everyone could see it. She is filing for divorce, she is being very clear as to her wishes. Refusing to sign the document changes nothing, she is only your wife on a technicality, it won't save your marriage. This tactic may delay the inevitable but I don't think you will feel good about yourself in the long run. I think she has disrespected you enough, but this is your life and only you can decide how you live it. My opinion to fire her cheating a$$ doesn't count. She doesn't bring anything to the marriage that is worth while at this time, she is faithful to another man making you the outsider.

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, what happened about that car you liked? Are you doing anything about it? If you can change your car you can as well change the wife who does'nt want you in the first place! Don't be ostrich like and bury your head in the sand. Your marriage is now a mirage rapidly disappearing in your rear view mirror. Treat it like that. As far as driving anyone one away or closing doors on them, if anyone has done that it is your stbx wife and not you. You held the door wide open for her to walk back into your life. She chose to walk right past the open door. Just think about it. Best wishes.

[Rainah]

You deserve to be treated so much better than she has treated you, hold your head up high, get divorced, move on to someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve than to be trod all over like dirt.

[StoicHusband]

Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

Sound advice for any situation...

 

I think she has disrespected you enough...

 

Quite right.

 

Hi stoic, what happened about that car you liked?

 

Totally got it... Loving it still.

 

You deserve to be treated so much better than she has treated you...

 

I agree and am experiencing it every day now.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

What ever happened to that "Stoic" guy, anyway? Well here it is:

 

He got a second job, started working his ass off. He stockpiled money like he always dreamed of doing. He added inches to his arms and chest and lost about 55 lbs. He bought some new clothes and started taking better care of himself; anything to boost his confidence. He found a bar that he liked to be at and started making friends. Those friends started introducing him to women and eventually he started to see what real attraction looks like: (Enough of the third person ****... you get my point.)

 

I got out and got a life. I met cool people and grew my community. I exercised and reconnected with my family and friends. I took up old hobbies. I got closer to my son.

 

I challenged myself to see my ex-wife for what she was: a victim. I'm not a victim. I never made her responsible for my happiness. I never made her make all the decisions... And when she left, I never pretended I had no part to play in all of it. That's exactly what she did though.

 

I met a lot of great people. I told them where I was at in life and they were surprised how well I was coping. Eventually I became the life of the party. I started to attract male friends first, then that brought female prospects. One of those prospects has turned out to be my picture of a perfect girlfriend.

 

After the first weekend we spent together, I was asked by my (then) wife "what I was waiting on" and I said "nothing". I met her in my new truck at the notary to sign the papers... I was cordial, polite and responsive. I honestly felt like I was seeing some new person, someone I never knew. She's so old and unhappy and stale. I signed the papers and a waiver so I didn't have to go to court. We are now (happily) divorced.

 

Many of my friends didn't see much of me during the separation/divorce and have now caught up with me to find a completely new (to them) Stoic. But honestly; I feel like my 20 year-old self. The 'me' that married her.

 

I have never been happier in all my life and I am optimistic about the future, whatever it involves. I love my new truck, my new girl, my new sense of self, my new condo, my new jobs... Hell, to be clear, I love my new life.

 

I do whatever I want, all the damn time, and no one can say **** about it. That's really something. Something I overlooked from day one.

 

I have been careful to follow the advice I was given. This new girl and I are exclusive, but that is just what I prefer. I'm a serial monogomist and I have to problem with that. I am happy with ME and always will be. Whatever happens I won't let anything change that.

 

Thank you so much to everyone here. I'm so happy the site is back up so I can finally tell you all how much you helped.:

Bluespower, JustAGuy, Marc, all of you... Thank you so much. It was so helpful to just vent about this stuff. Looking back over the thread, I can't believe that was me writing this. I am ashamed and empowered by my own words.

To others looking for advice in my thread:

-You can't make anyone happy.

-No one can make you happy.

-Be happy with yourself. If you cant, then CHANGE.

-Two happy people make a happy relationship.

-Work, work out, work on yourself.

-GET OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE.

-And finally... Good luck.

[Marc878]

Nice turnaround. I'm glad you awakened and found out that your life is what you make it.