wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[StoicHusband]

Like most she's in the excitement of having another man. With that going on you aren't a second thought. She wants you completely out of the way so there is zero interference.

 

You can't do anything about that. Upfront had you found out what was going on you may have been able to use exposure to break the affair. Make no mistake she has been in this all along they didn't just meet up or were friends before.

 

Unless that ends with her other man you are just living on hope like a lot do.

 

That won't get you much. You're best corse of action is hard no contact. Only the strong can pull this off.

 

Thanks Marc. I pretty much figured this, too. I'm being realistic, both about where I am and where she's at.

 

Here is the thing. It does not matter. And you have to understand that she is gone, gone, gone.

 

In the end it just does not matter, she is with her other man, and you need to let her be.

 

I realize that too, It's just a loose end like I say, keeping me in circles in my head. Idk why I don't listen to my better judgement on this crap.

 

If you are asking did the conversation help or hurt your cause. Maybe helped, and you need to keep doing that. Not because you are trying to get her back, but because you don't want her back.

 

I apprecate hearing this. It's difficult to even talk to her on the phone. I'd hate to think it went sideways on me when I finally managed to do so, whatever my endgame is here.

 

Let me tell you what will probably happen. You continue to get yourself together. No internet troll, is that is your thread, now anger, no begging no moping around.

 

Yeah, that was me, the troll. It really fueled negativity or was the byproduct of same. Idk which came first there honestly. Whatever it is I ditched anything negative:

 

I've stopped any behavior that is in any way like that at all. (Saying "I hate (this or that)", "I can't stand (whatever)", I'm doing the speed limit in my car to avoid getting in a hurry)

I've stopped hating on Christians, even joined a church, tho I'm not ready to say I have "faith".

I've stopped arguing politics... when people bring it up I say "I don't even know anymore". unfollowed/unliked 100s of pages on fb, the result being I hardly get on there except to talk to friends.

I've contacted the few family I have here, rebuilt friendships.

 

I haven't begged, I haven't moped, I've kept busy, I've started being more hygeinic...

 

And let's say that you start dating a few girl. You band a couple, you get the job done, they want to see you again, bla, bla, bla.

 

So you date a while because you are moving on with your life. By this time the OM probably has dumped her by now, and she is sniffing around you, good old Plan B guy.

 

So one day, it will be obvious that she is really thinking about getting with you. By this time you probably have a girl that is an upgrade in everyway.

 

Hotter, better sex, not a cheater, not crazy. So you are telling me that you would leave that for your crazy, horrible, cheating in the worst way, wife.

 

If you did that I think we would all hunt you down and beat you about the head and neck (Joke folks). LOL

 

Get where I am coming from?

 

I suppose that is possible. And I guess what's keeping me from getting it thru my head is the thought that I won't find that person you describe. I have a hard time making friends, the friends I do have are losers. Their women are all fat, nasty skanks that really have no business in the gene pool.

 

I worry about where/when/how I will make friends or meet women. I suppose that will come with money, time, etc... Which should be my focus now.

 

Here is a little story for you. When I finally told my ExW that we were done, I went out to my local club. my kids were playing that night and I wanted to support them, so I go. Well she decides to bring one of her GF's for moral support and to watch the kids.

 

During the whole night I must have had, about 5 different women came by and say hi and visit, leaving with a kiss. So I am just taking all of this in knowing that my friends told all of them that I was free.

 

She was fuming. Tried to talk to me and I ignored her and kept enjoying myself. I did not take anyone home that night.

 

The next day she goes off on me. My only response was, "What did you expect?"

 

She did not say another word...

 

I admire your success. I would really love to instant message you sometime. I have about a billion questions and honestly, you're kinda becoming a role-model for me in all this.

 

Do you have the ability to private message on here? I'd purchase premium just for that, honestly. (actually, I just tried, it's not working) You are where I wanna be someday. I have a hard time picturing the path from here to there, though.

Edited February 3, 2018 by StoicHusband

[BluesPower]

I admire your success. I would really love to instant message you sometime. I have about a billion questions and honestly, you're kinda becoming a role-model for me in all this.

 

I am no role model... understand that.

 

Brother, I went through 7 kinds of hell for 26 years. Some of it, if it is possible, may be worse that what you are going through.

 

I wanted to keep my family together, wanted to fix my wife, and I learned my lesson.

 

Why do you think everyone here has been trying to get you where you are at now. Because we have lived it and worse.

 

No man, I was a fool, the only thing I did right was come out the other side fairly intact.

 

And it took a lot to get here...

[Marc878]

I've seen this several times. You get to make your own life.

 

Join a gym start working out, get in great shape . Get a new wardrobe, haircut, etc.

 

Strength is a midset and anyone can do it. You are spending too much time on what she's doing when you should be making your own way.

 

I've know at least 3 or 4 others that came away with a better life.

 

The only one that can keep you down and in this mess IS YOU.

[StoicHusband]

I am no role model... understand that.

 

Brother, I went through 7 kinds of hell for 26 years. Some of it, if it is possible, may be worse that what you are going through.

 

I wanted to keep my family together, wanted to fix my wife, and I learned my lesson.

 

Why do you think everyone here has been trying to get you where you are at now. Because we have lived it and worse.

 

No man, I was a fool, the only thing I did right was come out the other side fairly intact.

 

And it took a lot to get here...

 

Whatever it took, that experience has made you invaluable to me. You may not ever realize how much so.

 

I don't think it'll take me 27 years, but life is funny that way, you never know. I'm making the best of all of you guys' advice. It's difficult as I'm sure you know.

 

I don't have much life experience. I feel like I've been in a coma for ten years. The world has changed, I'm brand new. I like it and hate it. I am just not sure where to start.

 

I've seen this several times. You get to make your own life.

 

Join a gym start working out, get in great shape . Get a new wardrobe, haircut, etc.

 

Strength is a midset and anyone can do it. You are spending too much time on what she's doing when you should be making your own way.

 

I've know at least 3 or 4 others that came away with a better life.

 

The only one that can keep you down and in this mess IS YOU.

 

I basically own a gym, lol. Been working out, feels good. I probably need to find work, can't afford a new wardrobe, etc. I've gotten a few new things, but hey it's a start. I have no hair, I always shave my head... maybe time to grow it and get a fresh 'do.

 

I had to develop the strength mindset when she left. I refused to let my son see me flop. I won't breakdown. Not when he is depending on me.

 

I do need to focus less on her. It's just like every quiet moment she is there, in my head. I try so hard but there are so many quiet moments now it's not funny. I need more money. I think a second job would do me good. Lots to consider.

 

I have lifted myself up pretty well, everyone I know says so. I can't help feeling like I just have no reason tho, it's all so empty. I know I have my son, and I'm setting a good example... but I have always wanted a family. She left a big hole.

 

I don't even know if I want her back so much anymore, so much as I want a woman, any woman, lol. Bad tact to take... I'm gonna give it time.

 

No substances, no women, just me.

[Marc878]

For now at this time it needs to be all about you. You'll be fine as long as you keep a hard no contact policy in place.

 

If you can't do that you'll just stay in this.

 

And there is nothing in it for you.

[StoicHusband]

For now at this time it needs to be all about you. You'll be fine as long as you keep a hard no contact policy in place.

 

If you can't do that you'll just stay in this.

 

And there is nothing in it for you.

 

Been NC for a long time. The biggest problems come when she messages me out of nowhere over petty ****. which she does every 3-4 days, sometimes at most a week.

 

If it's not weed, (which is gone), it's vape juice, (hard "no"), if it's not that it's my son's appointments, if not, divorce papers, etc.

 

I have asked her not to contact me, she is playing games. I've had to change how I respond, basically, which is usually not at all.

[Marc878]

Been NC for a long time. The biggest problems come when she messages me out of nowhere over petty ****. which she does every 3-4 days, sometimes at most a week.

 

If it's not weed, (which is gone), it's vape juice, (hard "no"), if it's not that it's my son's appointments, if not, divorce papers, etc.

 

I have asked her not to contact me, she is playing games. I've had to change how I respond, basically, which is usually not at all.

 

The perfect response unless it's kid or business is "no response".

 

Make sure you block her, family and friends on any social media you have.

 

You can also block her calls and just communicate by text or email.

[Marc878]

The economy is good. Time for a new job or career!!!!!

[StoicHusband]

The perfect response unless it's kid or business is "no response".

 

Make sure you block her, family and friends on any social media you have.

 

You can also block her calls and just communicate by text or email.

 

I also meant to say how I react... not just respond. I don't usually respond.

 

The economy is good. Time for a new job or career!!!!!

 

You're sure right. Never been a better time.

[StoicHusband]

You can also block her calls and just communicate by text or email.

 

That is counter to what I want actually. I have considered the opposite.

 

The most infuriating thing about communicating with her is how she is constantly projecting her emotions onto my words.

 

SHE feels guilty, SHE is angry, SHE is begging for a reason to make this ok...

 

So every single message I send she reads it as angry/begging/guilty...

 

She's trying to make me the bad guy, standard cheating ****. I won't let her. That's what made me so happy about the call today. I was strictly business and she ****ing noticed.

[Marc878]

A yes or no is enough in most cases

[StoicHusband]

A yes or no is enough in most cases

 

In those cases a message is fine and that's what we've done.

 

Have you ever talked to a woman before? (joking) yes/no scenarios are rare with my STBXW

[Marc878]

In those cases a message is fine and that's what we've done.

 

Have you ever talked to a woman before? (joking) yes/no scenarios are rare with my STBXW

 

You control your phone she doesn't. You can control yourself.

 

Pickups/drop offs can be a five minute exercise with zero engagement. I know of three others who do this quite well.

 

If you don't have kids together it's even simpler.

 

It may seem awkward upfront but how awkward was it when she left you for her other man?

 

You don't owe her ****. So just cut her out. The only one who can keep you in the drama is you.

Edited February 3, 2018 by Marc878

[StoicHusband]

You control your phone she doesn't. You can control yourself.

Sorry dude, I'm sick of the way she treats me in text. I'm not doing text anymore. I think you're focusing on the wrong issue here, thanks for the replies tho. I mean that. I understand it's easy to get the wrong idea at a glance. You're just not posting things that apply very well. Maybe I haven't made myself clear, could be my fault partially.

 

Pickups/drop offs can be a five minute exercise with zero engagement. I know of three others who do this quite well.

 

If you don't have kids together it's even simpler.

We don't.

 

It may seem awkward upfront but how awkward was it when she left you for her other man?

It wasn't at all (awkward), really... It kinda explained everything. I suppose it's my ability to handle rational thought and a high opinion of myself that made it that way, but it just wasn't.

 

It hurt, yeah, but in the end... she ****ed up, not me. "Awkward" means hard to deal with. I honestly had little trouble with it.

 

You don't owe her ****. So just cut her out. The only one who can keep you in the drama is you.

We have soooo many details of our lives that are intertwined at this point. For instance today was taxes, if she turned that into an argument it could have cost me a lot of money. (which she would have done in text.) So please stop attacking me about this.

 

Thanks for the advice tho, seriously. You in a bad mood today or something?

[whichwayisup]

That is counter to what I want actually. I have considered the opposite.

 

The most infuriating thing about communicating with her is how she is constantly projecting her emotions onto my words.

 

SHE feels guilty, SHE is angry, SHE is begging for a reason to make this ok...

 

So every single message I send she reads it as angry/begging/guilty...

 

She's trying to make me the bad guy, standard cheating ****. I won't let her. That's what made me so happy about the call today. I was strictly business and she ****ing noticed.

 

That is how she interprets your words so be it! You're not doing what she is accusing you of so either ignore her attempts to manipulate you and ruin your day or add a manual smile (colon and bracket) not an actual emoticon. Hope that makes sense. It'll at least lighten words and maybe she won't take what you say and put her own spin on it.

 

either way you can't control her reactions, you know she is trying to mess with your head. Learn to not care what she thinks or feels. Pretend until it just happens.

[StoicHusband]

That is how she interprets your words so be it! You're not doing what she is accusing you of so either ignore her attempts to manipulate you and ruin your day or add a manual smile (colon and bracket) not an actual emoticon. Hope that makes sense. It'll at least lighten words and maybe she won't take what you say and put her own spin on it.

 

either way you can't control her reactions, you know she is trying to mess with your head. Learn to not care what she thinks or feels. Pretend until it just happens.

 

I get this, and I have handled it. Thanks again to everyone for jumping on this issue, but I'd really rather the thread headed in other directions.

 

I have chosen to speak in phone calls where this won't happen. I'm not texting anymore. It's a really, really, really stupid form of communication.

 

Just look at all the trouble you guys have understanding me here if you have any doubt. (honestly) Half this thread has been me trying to keep it on-track.

 

I seriously do appreciate everything

[frigginlost]

Whatever it took, that experience has made you invaluable to me. You may not ever realize how much so.

 

I don't think it'll take me 27 years, but life is funny that way, you never know. I'm making the best of all of you guys' advice. It's difficult as I'm sure you know.

 

I don't have much life experience. I feel like I've been in a coma for ten years. The world has changed, I'm brand new. I like it and hate it. I am just not sure where to start.

 

 

 

I basically own a gym, lol. Been working out, feels good. I probably need to find work, can't afford a new wardrobe, etc. I've gotten a few new things, but hey it's a start. I have no hair, I always shave my head... maybe time to grow it and get a fresh 'do.

 

I had to develop the strength mindset when she left. I refused to let my son see me flop. I won't breakdown. Not when he is depending on me.

 

I do need to focus less on her. It's just like every quiet moment she is there, in my head. I try so hard but there are so many quiet moments now it's not funny. I need more money. I think a second job would do me good. Lots to consider.

 

I have lifted myself up pretty well, everyone I know says so. I can't help feeling like I just have no reason tho, it's all so empty. I know I have my son, and I'm setting a good example... but I have always wanted a family. She left a big hole.

 

I don't even know if I want her back so much anymore, so much as I want a woman, any woman, lol. Bad tact to take... I'm gonna give it time.

 

No substances, no women, just me.

 

 

The irony in that, is that those are traits of healing. The lost and not knowing what comes next is a sign that your brain is signaling the "flight or fight" response. I remember those feelings vividly. They suck because you were not the one who decided to be put in a position to feel them.

 

Honestly, I think you're doing okay. You still have your logical side intact and that is a very good thing.

 

Just continue to push forward day by day and as each day passes, your focus will keep getting a little bit more clear.

[StoicHusband]

The irony in that, is that those are traits of healing. The lost and not knowing what comes next is a sign that your brain is signaling the "flight or fight" response. I remember those feelings vividly. They suck because you were not the one who decided to be put in a position to feel them.

 

This would explain why I keep feeling this nagging feeling that I have forgotten something. It's persistent and irritating.

 

The thought that comes to me most often is: "You just LET her leave!?" And it makes NO SENSE. She had another man on the side. She chose to walk away. She is the one who wants this, not me and I've made that clear every time we have spoken.

 

It's a ridiculous thought, I know that logically, but emotionally it's getting tough to deal with. I know for a fact there was nothing I could say/do that would have changed her mind once she walked out that door to get in his car. I still have these thoughts though.

 

Honestly, I think you're doing okay. You still have your logical side intact and that is a very good thing.

 

I hope so. I keep worrying that I'm in denial, even though I force myself to move forward and create a life without her. I still find myself thinking "will if she ever comes back... we'll have to deal with X" and I catch myself and I'm like "Yeah, that ain't gon' happen".

 

Still though, it bothers me. I fear that something big is coming that is going to derail me. I am trying to prepare myself, but it's hard.

 

Just continue to push forward day by day and as each day passes, your focus will keep getting a little bit more clear.

 

I see that, also. I notice that every day I have more moments where I'm just living this life. Not the life we had together, none of our old plans matter, just living the life I've laid out.

 

 

-------------------------

 

I appreciate your input here, for someone named frigginlost you sure have helped me find the way. And for that I can't fully express my deep gratitude.

[frigginlost]

This would explain why I keep feeling this nagging feeling that I have forgotten something. It's persistent and irritating.

 

The thought that comes to me most often is: "You just LET her leave!?" And it makes NO SENSE. She had another man on the side. She chose to walk away. She is the one who wants this, not me and I've made that clear every time we have spoken.

 

It's a ridiculous thought, I know that logically, but emotionally it's getting tough to deal with. I know for a fact there was nothing I could say/do that would have changed her mind once she walked out that door to get in his car. I still have these thoughts though.

 

That nagging feeling is completely normal. For me, I second guessed everything and nearly every damn word we spoke in the relationship just trying to find out where the catalyst of what I did wrong was. It kept my head spinning for months. What I realized was that it was that ol' hope feeling creeping in that was causing it. The last feeling to fade away will be hope and it is also the one that hurts the most. Sometimes it is said that it is easier to lose someone through death than it is through lost love. I somewhat believe that.

 

I hope so. I keep worrying that I'm in denial, even though I force myself to move forward and create a life without her. I still find myself thinking "will if she ever comes back... we'll have to deal with X" and I catch myself and I'm like "Yeah, that ain't gon' happen".

 

Still though, it bothers me. I fear that something big is coming that is going to derail me. I am trying to prepare myself, but it's hard.

 

I would not be shocked if Denial was creeping in. It's a normal process of dealing with a loss. I think in your case (as was with me) denial rides ride next to hope in the attack of your thoughts. What I did was just ride them out. You hear NC a ton on these boards. I was/am a Low Contact guy (unless abuse, or logical thought weakness is apparent) when denial would creep in or hope would show it's ugly head, I would switch to my logical side and remember that I have no control over any of it. That was tough for me because a) I'm a type "a" personality, and b) I analyze everything.

 

I see that, also. I notice that every day I have more moments where I'm just living this life. Not the life we had together, none of our old plans matter, just living the life I've laid out.

 

And those living life moments will come and they will go. You will bounce back and forth between living and feeling lost. That's totally normal. It's frustrating, but it's normal. "It hurts to heal" was a saying I told myself often.

 

 

-------------------------

 

I appreciate your input here, for someone named frigginlost you sure have helped me find the way. And for that I can't fully express my deep gratitude.

 

Anytime. And Thanks. My username should give a little bit of a clue on how I felt during my divorce. Me ex-wife the day after our 19 year anniversary told me she wanted a trial separation. Just under 3 months later I was fully divorced. 25 years with a woman gone in 80 days. You could say I was a little lost. We didn't speak for close to a year then one day she called. Six months later, she wanted back but I had moved on (something I *never* thought would happen). It's been close to 10 years since the divorce and we still chat occasionally.

Edited February 6, 2018 by frigginlost

[StoicHusband]

I hope all of you are right about that. I really don't wanna go thru this again, lol.

 

Right now I've just gotten off work (I scored a second job a few days ago). I'm now making more money than I ever thought possible. Learning a new trade, as well.

 

I put my son to bed, after he had watched YouTube the entire time I was gone obviously. He came and said goodnight, then went to his bathroom with his laptop and watched more YouTube. He's totally addicted.

 

I've been working all ****ing day, I spent time with him and then the lied and said he's tired so he could watch more stupid videos.

 

Times like this are when I get so mad at her. Had she supported me at all I don't think I'd be facing these same issues (lying, etc) years later. I've got to find a way to simply block that entire website/service from my home. He can't be trusted at all. I can't stay up all night making sure he's getting sleep.

 

I have so many things to be thankful for right now, none of which I wanna share with her. She didn't earn them.

[BrokeI]

Hey stoic,

 

i wanted to reply since days but i did lose access to posting with my other account.

 

I'm sad, i hope you are doing OK. It's going to be hard, very hard but you will do it.

 

I'm few month ahead of you and i'm already at the next stage. I still miss and love my wife, even with all the cheating stuff, i can do anything about that but i don't want to be with her again.

 

I took my time to rebuild myself from the scratch and i'm a totally new person. I'm OK with everything, finance is OK, i'm working hard for the kids and soon, when i will be ready, i'm even planning to start dating again.

 

I took a really good care of me too, i can really sense the depression is over.

 

So be brave, focus on yourself and the kid and hopefully, you will be OK soon.

 

For the record, my wife don't love anymore the other guys. She told me that few days ago and she even say "I miss her" , "she can't forget me" blablabla

 

She did see that i did make some mega major change those last months but no way i'm going to be trap so easily.

[BluesPower]

I hope all of you are right about that. I really don't wanna go thru this again, lol.

 

Right now I've just gotten off work (I scored a second job a few days ago). I'm now making more money than I ever thought possible. Learning a new trade, as well.

 

I put my son to bed, after he had watched YouTube the entire time I was gone obviously. He came and said goodnight, then went to his bathroom with his laptop and watched more YouTube. He's totally addicted.

 

I've been working all ****ing day, I spent time with him and then the lied and said he's tired so he could watch more stupid videos.

 

Times like this are when I get so mad at her. Had she supported me at all I don't think I'd be facing these same issues (lying, etc) years later. I've got to find a way to simply block that entire website/service from my home. He can't be trusted at all. I can't stay up all night making sure he's getting sleep.

 

I have so many things to be thankful for right now, none of which I wanna share with her. She didn't earn them.

 

Take the laptop away from him at night and phone if he has one.

 

If he has a tv in his room, disable that. I had to do that once to one of my kids.

 

You have to learn to assert yourself as a parent. No argument, no yelling, no bs.... Just hand it over bucko if you cannot follow the rules.

 

After a few days without his toys, he will learn...

[StoicHusband]

Take the laptop away from him at night and phone if he has one. If he has a tv in his room, disable that. I had to do that once to one of my kids.

 

You have to learn to assert yourself as a parent. No argument, no yelling, no bs.... Just hand it over bucko if you cannot follow the rules.

 

After a few days without his toys, he will learn...

 

I do assert myself with him. I have taken the devices away. I will give them back at the beginning of next week. In exchange, he gets his chores back. I had taken them over during this process to keep myself busy, but now that I'm working all day, there's no point anymore.

 

Thanks BluesPower...

 

The new issue I'm facing is a "friend" that has begged me to get him on at my new job. I did so and now he bitches day in, day out. I get off and I'm driving us home and he bitches about the work, the boss, the hours. I really don't ****ing get it. I've known this guy 18 years and now he's totally pissing me off.

 

I just wanna be positive and he's killing my ****ing vibe. I had to tell him so tonight and he was like "That's how I felt when you would call me about her".

 

I wanted to ****ing kick him out of my car! He compared me wanting/needing to talk to my best friend about my divorce to me getting him a job!!!

 

I swear I can't help but be cynical anymore lol. On top of that I got a call about a civil suit for medical bills. It's bunk, but now I have that to deal with as well. Totally awesome. lol

 

I did the math tho. I now make 2x the money she makes and I'm happy as a pig in ****. Grasshopper v. ant. Right there.

 

Thanks guys. Keep the words of wisdom coming. I appreciate every bit.

 

Hope you're all well.

 

I still can't help but wish she could see the changes I've made, the progress, yet I am starting to feel like I wouldn't want her to have any piece of it.

[road]

stoic, your friend came to you for a job because:

 

He did not have one or he could never get one as good as the

job you got him.

 

He should be happy. There must be something that is broken in him

as well. For he forgets how bad off he was before this new job. No

job is perfect. And some people have to complain. They cannot not

complain.

 

What is broken has kept him from getting jobs, holding them,

advancing there.

 

His problems do not close to being as bad as your WW affair.

Though to him his need to vent is.

[StoicHusband]

stoic, your friend came to you for a job because:

 

He did not have one or he could never get one as good as the

job you got him.

 

He should be happy. There must be something that is broken in him

as well. For he forgets how bad off he was before this new job. No

job is perfect. And some people have to complain. They cannot not

complain.

 

What is broken has kept him from getting jobs, holding them,

advancing there.

 

His problems do not close to being as bad as your WW affair.

Though to him his need to vent is.

 

Fact is, I got over this. I don't even care what he does...

 

My boss ****ing loves me. He likes my music, even the stuff he doesn't know. He likes how I work. He said he can tell how honest I am and how hard I work. Said every time he sees me I'm working. He wants to put me above other people already, and it's only week 1.

 

He gave me a 30% raise after week 1... no ****. I'm stoked as hell.

 

Even without the raise... all my bills are paid... I have so much extra money it isn't funny, and I went and bought me and my son new shoes, clothes, and we can finally afford to eat out and go play at the arcades as often as we like.

 

My wife meanwhile is living with some dude because she is a ****ing loser and begging me to take her w2 and file the taxes because she is in desperate need of the money she can't get without me. I'm laughing all the way to the bank.