wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[whichwayisup]

I still can't help but wish she could see the changes I've made, the progress

 

This is impossible. You need to make yourself stop thinking those thoughts and rid of all hope. The wife you married is gone and the woman before your eyes isn't the same person anymore.

 

She won't see you in that light, she's living with someone else. All you are is a meal ticket when she needs help. That's not love, care or respect. She will use you and manipulate you if you let her.

[StoicHusband]

This is impossible. You need to make yourself stop thinking those thoughts and rid of all hope.

 

If someone told her ten years ago that she'd feel the way she does about me now, she wouldn't believe them.

 

If someone told her now that she'd feel love for me again, same thing...

 

There is always hope. Life is tricky that way.

 

The wife you married is gone and the woman before your eyes isn't the same person anymore.

 

Understood. I wouldn't want to be with that person anyway. I'm so much better without her. That being said, there are irreplaceable facets to her that I really do wish we could rediscover together.

 

She won't see you in that light, she's living with someone else.

 

This is understood. I've actually said many times these exact words. Thank you. It's in my most recent comment actually.

 

All you are is a meal ticket when she needs help. That's not love, care or respect.

 

She obviously doesn't respect me, or she wouldn't have lied.

 

She will use you and manipulate you if you let her.

 

And I don't intend to let her.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Just got off from a 16 hour day. Popped in to see if anyone had any positive experiences to share. I honestly DO appreciate the replies, even the bitter ones. I realize you're all just trying to help.

 

I don't see myself ever being as bitter as some of you are. I love my life now, I love myself, and I still love my wife (unconditionally). I just have to change the way I love her, and I have.

 

I'm doing really great btw, me and my boy went shopping recently, went out to eat a lot, bought ourselves some new clothes. He's been awesome, too. Does his schoolwork without being asked, washes the dishes, even puts himself to bed if I'm working super late (like tonight.)

 

It's so beautiful the way this has brought us together. This feels like a real family, just like I've always wanted. I can't wait til this project is done. I want to spend more time with him but I know this sacrifice is worth what it affords us.

 

I really appreciate everyone responding. I can't stress that enough. To anyone in a similar situation, understand no one knows where you're at better than you do. Make the best decision for yourself regardless of what others have to say.

[BrokeI]

I really appreciate everyone responding. I can't stress that enough. To anyone in a similar situation, understand no one knows where you're at better than you do. Make the best decision for yourself regardless of what others have to say.

 

I'm glad your doing well. I made the mistake to try to talk to her few days ago and it was ... a very big one.

 

There will be days you will be ok. There will be days it's going to be harder. The harder days, don't broke no contact, it's pointless and bring only misery.

 

On the family stuff, i can understand what you are talking about. Me, my boy and my girl are very close since all this stuff happen. It's like we got each other back and this is a very nice feeling.

 

Good luck for the next !

[StoicHusband]

I'm glad your doing well. I made the mistake to try to talk to her few days ago and it was ... a very big one.

 

There will be days you will be ok. There will be days it's going to be harder. The harder days, don't break 'no contact', it's pointless and bring only misery.

 

I don't intend to. I recognize that she has lost the ability to feel attracted to me and, thus, she will not respond well to any of my communications.

 

Even if I said the perfect thing, in the perfect order, in the perfect way... There is no ability on her end to react to it in a way that would benefit me. I understand that quite well.

 

Even upon hearing how I felt and understanding it, she would only see it as self-serving, when in reality I do actually feel that this is her loss, not mine, and that she is doing severe damage to herself by moving forward with future relationships without resolving the problems within herself that make it impossible for our current relationship to work.

 

On the family stuff, i can understand what you are talking about. Me, my boy and my girl are very close since all this stuff happen. It's like we got each other back and this is a very nice feeling.

 

Good luck for the next !

 

It's nice isn't it? How many positives can come out of a situation like the one we are in...

 

I think this is awesome and I'm making the most of it. I had the day off today, even though there was no advance notice. I have been working 16-18 hour days and not been home much. I've had to sacrifice sleep and even hygiene to spend time with my son. I've made sure to be on the phone with him as often as possible. I know this is hard for him but he seems to be taking it well. I think he's enjoying the freedom it grants him and that makes me happy as well.

 

Today was nice though, we went out to a buffet and pigged out. I got a nice long shower, slept a lot, we went and visited my Aunt and niece. (She's raising my sister's daughter). We just got home so I figured I'd make the rounds on the internet and sit and read for a while.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

I still find myself wishing I could share the new-and-improved version of my life with her. It really does seem ridiculous that she would say everything she held back for a decade, then walk out once I finally understood what she needed from me as a husband.

 

I mean, it is truly a tragedy that now I am ready to make these deep changes, but she's gone. It's idiotic. Female logic just defies all reason, if you ask me. Not to offend half the population or anything. It's just that, as a man, I find it difficult to follow. Unless it's just a good old-fashioned grudge, in which case, simple enough. That just doesn't seem to fit.

 

I suppose at this point I'm writing in this forum as an open letter to myself in the future, maybe I'll look back someday at this thread and think "wow, glad I figured all that out", or "Why did I push so hard to understand what was right in front of me".

 

I do still hope we work it out, at least half of me does. I feel that the changes that have taken place in my attitude and drive over the past week are irreversible, and that she is partly to thank for them. I know that I put myself in the position where I could make positive use of the things that she said, and that only I chose how I would react to what happened... but in the end I probably would've just sat around and done what I always did if she didn't leave. It was the fact that my shortcomings cost me the person I love the most that made me want to do... and be... better.

 

The other half of me is blown away that I've made over $1000 this week. I'm shocked. I can't believe how well I'm doing without her. I know I can't keep up working like this and my boss knows it too, but if weeks like this come along every once in a while, I think I can put the money to good use. I feel like not having her to worry about is just what I needed to be good to myself and I find myself being happy with just me. I have grown in ways I never thought possible because of this.

 

I hope my posts aren't exceedingly long and I try to make them worth reading. I realize that I can get quite long-winded. Thanks to all those who stick with me in this thread. Your support is much-appreciated.

[road]

I assume you have lost weight and hit the gym. So you have changed

in and out. And you want your WW to see this.

 

Contact WW saying that you had a extra good week at work an made

some good money and you are taking the kids to buy some clothes

for the kids and would she help you because she has a better eye

for clothes than you.

 

If she comes you do not talk about marriage. Just keep it light and

fun. Depending on the time of the day you finish shopping with a

low cost lunch, or ice cream, that keeps the "date" going giving you

more time to showcase the new you. Do not drag the "date" out.

Let is end smooth. Do not call this outing a "date". Do not ask for

another "date" at that time.

 

Let a week go bye. Then contact WW; had another good week and the

kids wanted to go to museum, a park. Make the park one that is an

hour away. Chat time in the car showcasing the new you. Offer to

stop for a coffee to go half way there. Have an activity planed for the

park that will take one hour. Say a hike with a book to identify trees.

Whiffle ball game. Have a lunch pre packed to take out of the car.

 

Shows WW that you know how to plan and execute. Now the one

hour car ride home is where you ask WW if she and the kids want to

stop for ice cream. You appear low key, but show you know how to

do things right.

 

You know she may turn down the invite to go clothes shopping.

That's ok. You got to show that you are doing better financially.

 

Keep hitting the gym and let her see the new you when you exchange

the kids.

 

Then try again do ask her to be involved in some family activity.

Never ask her for a "date".

[frigginlost]

I don't intend to. I recognize that she has lost the ability to feel attracted to me and, thus, she will not respond well to any of my communications.

 

Even if I said the perfect thing, in the perfect order, in the perfect way... There is no ability on her end to react to it in a way that would benefit me. I understand that quite well.

 

Even upon hearing how I felt and understanding it, she would only see it as self-serving, when in reality I do actually feel that this is her loss, not mine, and that she is doing severe damage to herself by moving forward with future relationships without resolving the problems within herself that make it impossible for our current relationship to work.

 

 

 

It's nice isn't it? How many positives can come out of a situation like the one we are in...

 

I think this is awesome and I'm making the most of it. I had the day off today, even though there was no advance notice. I have been working 16-18 hour days and not been home much. I've had to sacrifice sleep and even hygiene to spend time with my son. I've made sure to be on the phone with him as often as possible. I know this is hard for him but he seems to be taking it well. I think he's enjoying the freedom it grants him and that makes me happy as well.

 

Today was nice though, we went out to a buffet and pigged out. I got a nice long shower, slept a lot, we went and visited my Aunt and niece. (She's raising my sister's daughter). We just got home so I figured I'd make the rounds on the internet and sit and read for a while.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

I still find myself wishing I could share the new-and-improved version of my life with her. It really does seem ridiculous that she would say everything she held back for a decade, then walk out once I finally understood what she needed from me as a husband.

 

I mean, it is truly a tragedy that now I am ready to make these deep changes, but she's gone. It's idiotic. Female logic just defies all reason, if you ask me. Not to offend half the population or anything. It's just that, as a man, I find it difficult to follow. Unless it's just a good old-fashioned grudge, in which case, simple enough. That just doesn't seem to fit.

 

I suppose at this point I'm writing in this forum as an open letter to myself in the future, maybe I'll look back someday at this thread and think "wow, glad I figured all that out", or "Why did I push so hard to understand what was right in front of me".

 

I do still hope we work it out, at least half of me does. I feel that the changes that have taken place in my attitude and drive over the past week are irreversible, and that she is partly to thank for them. I know that I put myself in the position where I could make positive use of the things that she said, and that only I chose how I would react to what happened... but in the end I probably would've just sat around and done what I always did if she didn't leave. It was the fact that my shortcomings cost me the person I love the most that made me want to do... and be... better.

 

The other half of me is blown away that I've made over $1000 this week. I'm shocked. I can't believe how well I'm doing without her. I know I can't keep up working like this and my boss knows it too, but if weeks like this come along every once in a while, I think I can put the money to good use. I feel like not having her to worry about is just what I needed to be good to myself and I find myself being happy with just me. I have grown in ways I never thought possible because of this.

 

I hope my posts aren't exceedingly long and I try to make them worth reading. I realize that I can get quite long-winded. Thanks to all those who stick with me in this thread. Your support is much-appreciated.

 

You will definitely return and peruse your old threads. What you will more than likely find is that you will say to yourself "I can't believe I felt that way". The emotional torture that one endures during a break-up is just brutal. Your brain thinks in ways that are so opposite of what is presented to you, that you just feel lost. There is no "normal" anymore. That in return triggers hope and the brutal cycle starts all over again.

 

As time goes on, your brain starts to scar over the hurt and the fog starts to lift. You start looking back on things and you remember the good more than the bad, but the scaring allows you to see it logically and you realize that what happened, happened, and you really don't concern yourself with them anymore. You've healed.

 

Right about then is when they show up back in your life. :-)

 

Keep posting on these boards. We all might not respond to every one, but we are reading and watching. Most of all, it helps you.

 

You're doing really, really, well in your healing. You're still gonna have some rough periods because the loss of normality is still there and the hope is still a major player. But in what I see, you're healing and how you are moving forward looks pretty good.

[StoicHusband]

You will definitely return and peruse your old threads. What you will more than likely find is that you will say to yourself "I can't believe I felt that way". The emotional torture that one endures during a break-up is just brutal. Your brain thinks in ways that are so opposite of what is presented to you, that you just feel lost. There is no "normal" anymore. That in return triggers hope and the brutal cycle starts all over again.

 

As time goes on, your brain starts to scar over the hurt and the fog starts to lift. You start looking back on things and you remember the good more than the bad, but the scaring allows you to see it logically and you realize that what happened, happened, and you really don't concern yourself with them anymore. You've healed.

 

Right about then is when they show up back in your life. :-)

 

Keep posting on these boards. We all might not respond to every one, but we are reading and watching. Most of all, it helps you.

 

You're doing really, really, well in your healing. You're still gonna have some rough periods because the loss of normality is still there and the hope is still a major player. But in what I see, you're healing and how you are moving forward looks pretty good.

 

I think that's probably about right. lol

 

Headed out the door right now for job #2 and all I can think about right now is how women have controlled half of my life in one way or another. I'm really out for me and my son right now. I'm just concerned with us and that feels good. It feels like I am finally in control of my destiny, whatever happens.

 

Yeah, hope is still there, and I do hope she does come back... then she can see that I won't allow her to derail my plans anymore, I won't allow any woman to do so. I have big dreams and it all starts with my new job.

 

Time to get in there and make a good impression. Have a nice day gents.

[BrokeI]

I think that's probably about right. lol

 

Headed out the door right now for job #2 and all I can think about right now is how women have controlled half of my life in one way or another. I'm really out for me and my son right now. I'm just concerned with us and that feels good. It feels like I am finally in control of my destiny, whatever happens.

 

Yeah, hope is still there, and I do hope she does come back... then she can see that I won't allow her to derail my plans anymore, I won't allow any woman to do so. I have big dreams and it all starts with my new job.

 

Time to get in there and make a good impression. Have a nice day gents.

 

 

I really feel we got some connected story you and me. But i really feel too that we are two fools for wanting our wifes back.

 

If i wanted to advice you something, i would say you need to kill this hope. But i know the kind of struggling you are facing .

 

Anyway, my thought is clear, even if i want my wife back, and so do you : i don't think this is some healthy stuff to do for us and it's maybe our chance that they don't come back.

[StoicHusband]

I really feel we got some connected story you and me. But i really feel too that we are two fools for wanting our wifes back.

 

BrokeI just make sure you understand what getting her back would mean, then you can make the best decision for yourself. Don't beg her, don't be overly enthusiastic if she does want to reconcile, and don't think that if she does come back she'll be yours forever.

 

I would also advise against getting comfortable if/when she does. Require that she humble herself a bit if your story is similar to mine. My wife would have to understand that my taking her back would be doing HER a favor, not her doing me a favor.

 

That being said, marriage is a vow, not a promise, not a maybe... If you honor your vows there is nothing foolish about it, just prepare for the worst...

 

If i wanted to advice you something, i would say you need to kill this hope. But i know the kind of struggling you are facing .

 

It's like I have two minds. I know I'm doing fine without her, I just know that she probably won't do great without me. I want a good life for her, I just feel that she and I disagree on what that would take to accomplish.

 

I don't want to be bitter and enjoy watching her future marriages fall apart. I want her to come home, realize her mistake, and realize the value of unconditional love. I want her to know that we were good together and to appreciate what she has/can have here at home.

 

At this juncture, it seems unrealistic.

 

Anyway, my thought is clear, even if i want my wife back, and so do you : i don't think this is some healthy stuff to do for us and it's maybe our chance that they don't come back.

 

It's not that I'm sitting here waiting... I'm moving on with my life. I want something that will probably never come:

 

I want my wife back IF:

1. She humbles herself as a cheater and liar and a childish fool.

2. She realizes that I am a good man and she made as many mistakes as I did, and then some.

3. She and I are able to communicate these things clearly enough to understand that, yes, I made some mistakes, but I honored my vows where she did NOT.

4. She allows for transparency, because she has cheated and lied (phone, messages, etc)

5. She would give me time to overcome the ickyness (no other word for it) of what she has done.

6. She understands that I have built a new life without her and allows me to keep living it, while realizing that certain parts of her new life are incompatible with our future together.

THAT IS A LOT OF "IF"s.

 

That being said IF life bites her in the ass the way I figure it will, this day may come. She's getting old, she's in serious debt, she is basically homeless, at the mercy of some creepy fat guy, she's without a car, she is acting like a child, her chance to have children is running out, her future relationships WILL NOT work if she continues the behavior that led her to this point with me... Honestly I'm a good guy, there was no reason for this...

 

Until then, I just made over $1000 this week, I'm going to the bar tomorrow with a buddy of mine who knows how we can pick up some easy chicks that will show us a good time, then show us the door. That's what's on my mind.

 

Gonna get some rest. 70+ hours this week and the boss said we're working tomorrow.

[StoicHusband]

Just an update.

 

I had to collect her w2 from her. I could have had her send a pic. I wanted to do it in person, for me. She makes me shake and act weird. I wanted to prove I can get past it. I wanted to see her in the flesh after two months.

 

I dressed nice, smelling good. New shoes, new clothes head to toe. Lost 45 lbs, gained some muscles in my arms. It has been two months after all.

 

I was cool, I was quick. I asked her about one other thing, said thanks and then left. She definitely checked me out head to toe. That was nice, not in the way you think.

 

I really do feel that this is HER loss and to see her take a look at what she's missing. To see me SO FAR outside the comfort zone she knew me to inhabit... That was nice. I even mentioned I'm going to work in another city over (She knows I hate driving... she never knew me to work two jobs.) I had a drink cup in my hand from a restaurant... Which she knows I hate restaurans (period).

 

So yeah, I showed her I have changed. Which she said I can't and hey, it shouldn't matter but it does to me so, whatever.

[frigginlost]

Just an update.

 

I had to collect her w2 from her. I could have had her send a pic. I wanted to do it in person, for me. She makes me shake and act weird. I wanted to prove I can get past it. I wanted to see her in the flesh after two months.

 

I dressed nice, smelling good. New shoes, new clothes head to toe. Lost 45 lbs, gained some muscles in my arms. It has been two months after all.

 

I was cool, I was quick. I asked her about one other thing, said thanks and then left. She definitely checked me out head to toe. That was nice, not in the way you think.

 

I really do feel that this is HER loss and to see her take a look at what she's missing. To see me SO FAR outside the comfort zone she knew me to inhabit... That was nice. I even mentioned I'm going to work in another city over (She knows I hate driving... she never knew me to work two jobs.) I had a drink cup in my hand from a restaurant... Which she knows I hate restaurans (period).

 

So yeah, I showed her I have changed. Which she said I can't and hey, it shouldn't matter but it does to me so, whatever.

 

Nice work.

 

A quick word of caution:

 

Do not expect a reaction or for her to contact you in any way. But trust me, she saw the change in you. Your brain over the next few days is going to go through a tug-of-war with itself because seeing her will ignite the analytical part of your brain. You'll beat yourself up wondering what her reaction was to you and if she truly saw it, and if so, why didn't she say anything.

 

Those feelings are completely normal, and they are caused by that devil known as hope. It's gonna be there a while.

 

Nice work, and yes, she did notice.

[StoicHusband]

Nice work.

 

Thanks.

 

A quick word of caution:

 

Do not expect a reaction or for her to contact you in any way. But trust me, she saw the change in you. Your brain over the next few days is going to go through a tug-of-war with itself because seeing her will ignite the analytical part of your brain. You'll beat yourself up wondering what her reaction was to you and if she truly saw it, and if so, why didn't she say anything.

 

I felt it a bit, but in the end I don't care anymore. I am not gonna beat myself up over a woman who obviously just decided that fantasy > family.

 

Those feelings are completely normal, and they are caused by that devil known as hope. It's gonna be there a while.

 

Hopefully it will. Hope is a beautiful thing. However I know that nothing I say/do can turn this around for her. That's on her head and at this point, idk what I actually want... so, yeah. Thanks for the advice.

 

Nice work, and yes, she did notice.

 

I figure she did. I kinda joked like "Alright, well, I gotta bolt... I was supposed to be in :other city: by... an hour ago." and she laughed. That wouldn't happen without a slight bit of attraction. She definitely noticed.

 

It felt good. Like, really good. I was getting so sick of her picturing me wasting away, being miserable, pining over her. I'm doing none of those things and it was cool to rub it in her face a bit.

[StoicHusband]

This isn't a backslide, I promise. I'm as committed as I've ever been to making myself happy, not depending on others to do so for me...

 

But today, I noticed the nature of our communications have changed somewhat. She seems to be able to talk to me without projecting anger and other emotion into what I say.

 

She messaged me saying "Hey no big deal, -my son's- phone is still on my card, it's only 1 cent, so just letting you know. No big deal"

 

I responded: "Oh ****, should I sent you a check? I could mail a money order... Whatever you prefer. I'll change it next chance I get, lol"

 

She responded: " :lmao::lmao: "

 

This is an unusually familiar way for her to talk to me considering how things have gone. I really do wonder if it isn't a sign that she has realized a thing or two after our last encounter (when I picked up her tax forms at her job). During that exchange I also noticed that she was checking me out and was laughing a bit too hard at the slight joke I made.

 

I realize that if it meant anything she'd let me know, whether directly or indirectly. I understand 100% that this all means next to nothing.

 

But if it means anything it likely shows that: A. She's no longer projecting because I've slipped to the rank of "insignificant". (Likely) or B. She has regained the slightest bit of attraction for me.

 

Either way, I'm pleased. I'm all too sick of being the cuckold in her eyes. My life is going GREAT without her. I hope she realizes that, regardless of what she decides to do. Her hatred and scorn for me are failing and in my eyes, that's a good thing.

 

I know what everyone will think here. Honestly though, I'm still doing good. I am keeping plans, talking to my family/friends, exercising when I'm not working 16 hours a day... Life is good and will continue to be.

 

I suppose I still want my wife back, but I don't want our old life back at all. I feel as if I'm finally living the life we had pictured together, but I'm doing it without her.

 

I wrote out what I actually -want- last night and it reads like this:

• I want her to consider our marriage as an option.
  
• I want to know when something is wrong (period, like in or out of our relationship)
  
• I want to be breadwinner.
  

 

I feel like this was healthy to write out and I think that most of it is doable. Some of it is out of my control, but most of it isn't. I'm definitely torn... Anyway, thanks for reading.

[StoicHusband]

Ok, so today I was floating on air when I bought Smashing Pumpkins tickets... It was the most expensive purchase I have made in a long time, but it'll be worth it. I was truly excited beyond anything words can describe.

 

In the midst of that she messaged me (I got the message 30 mins later)

 

Her: "Would you be willing to talk to me"

Me: "What's up?"

Her: "I know I absolutely don't deserve for you to ever speak to me or care at all what happens to me. But I'm so ****ing depressed and full of regret. I don't recognize my life anymore, and I'm so scared. I'm so sorry.... I know you've got to hate me. I just don't know what else to do."

-switched over to fb messenger-

Me: "Let's talk on here. I get your texts like 10x (just yours) lol - But honestly this sounds like something we should get together and talk about. You working today?"

Her: "I was but I left. Are you working?"

Me: "I'm at -apt complex- waiting on boss to bring supplies so that should be sometime between now and the time I expire."

Her: "lol - Can you meet after that?"

Me: "Yeah, what did you have in mind"

Her: "Anywhere.... I don't care."

Me: -some time later- "Sorry, got distracted... I'll think of something. Idk how late I'll be working but I'll make time."

Her: "Thank you."

 

I really do want to try an salvage my marriage. I realize that people on here have suggested I get on with my life and I just feel like I knocked over the first domino, even so, I never deserved this.

 

I want to move forward with her. I don't want to make it out like she's doing me a favor coming back, because in all likelihood she got dumped and now wants to fall back on me. I don't want that to happen. I don't want a wife who doesn't respect me.

 

I made her feel like she couldn't talk to me and I couldn't change. That much was my fault. The rest was her. I get that. At the same time we got together when we were KIDS. Two months of doubt in ten years really isn't unheard of.

 

I will continue the path of self-improvement I've laid out because I know I'm happier now than I was before she left. Some thing I never thought possible.

 

Please, offer some advice on how it would be best to move forward with her while maintaining the respect I deserve and the self-worth that I have gained. I understand that the instinct is to be bitter, but I don't think I have it in me. I have more to give and that's my intention.

 

I am not so desperate for this to happen that I would beg, plead, promise, compromise, bend over backward, or allow her to think that I deserved this. But I do want to make my marriage work. That's always been my goal.

 

How do I know if she is choosing me, or choosing the easy way out... again?

[Be_Strong]

You asked a specific question premised on you already deciding that you would take her back, so I’m not going to get into a discussion about that decision (and I have a lot to say on that because I took back my cheating wife).

 

If you made up your mind that you want her back, your main goal should be to not do anything that makes her instantly regret the idea of being with you again. I guarantee you she hasn’t made up her mind on this. As she told you, she is depressed and searching for answers, including the possibility of being with you again. You don’t want to spook her where she realizes she’s making a mistake.

 

The number one thing is that you can’t act eager to have her back (even if you really are). SHE NEEDS TO TALK YOU INTO IT! She’s got a very low view of herself right now and doesn’t think that any self-respecting man would want her. If you jump all over her invitation, and tell her how much you love her and miss her and want her back and how you will be so much better this time blah blah blah, she will have zero respect for you. Do not make a decision at the time of the meeting with her. That meeting should end with you saying something like, “well, you’ve given me a lot to think about, and I’m in no position to promise you anything now, but I’m open to seeing what might happen in the coming weeks and months.”

[BluesPower]

Ok, so today I was floating on air when I bought Smashing Pumpkins tickets... It was the most expensive purchase I have made in a long time, but it'll be worth it. I was truly excited beyond anything words can describe.

 

In the midst of that she messaged me (I got the message 30 mins later)

 

Her: "Would you be willing to talk to me"

Me: "What's up?"

Her: "I know I absolutely don't deserve for you to ever speak to me or care at all what happens to me. But I'm so ****ing depressed and full of regret. I don't recognize my life anymore, and I'm so scared. I'm so sorry.... I know you've got to hate me. I just don't know what else to do."

-switched over to fb messenger-

Me: "Let's talk on here. I get your texts like 10x (just yours) lol - But honestly this sounds like something we should get together and talk about. You working today?"

Her: "I was but I left. Are you working?"

Me: "I'm at -apt complex- waiting on boss to bring supplies so that should be sometime between now and the time I expire."

Her: "lol - Can you meet after that?"

Me: "Yeah, what did you have in mind"

Her: "Anywhere.... I don't care."

Me: -some time later- "Sorry, got distracted... I'll think of something. Idk how late I'll be working but I'll make time."

Her: "Thank you."

 

I really do want to try an salvage my marriage. I realize that people on here have suggested I get on with my life and I just feel like I knocked over the first domino, even so, I never deserved this.

 

I want to move forward with her. I don't want to make it out like she's doing me a favor coming back, because in all likelihood she got dumped and now wants to fall back on me. I don't want that to happen. I don't want a wife who doesn't respect me.

 

I made her feel like she couldn't talk to me and I couldn't change. That much was my fault. The rest was her. I get that. At the same time we got together when we were KIDS. Two months of doubt in ten years really isn't unheard of.

 

I will continue the path of self-improvement I've laid out because I know I'm happier now than I was before she left. Some thing I never thought possible.

 

Please, offer some advice on how it would be best to move forward with her while maintaining the respect I deserve and the self-worth that I have gained. I understand that the instinct is to be bitter, but I don't think I have it in me. I have more to give and that's my intention.

 

I am not so desperate for this to happen that I would beg, plead, promise, compromise, bend over backward, or allow her to think that I deserved this. But I do want to make my marriage work. That's always been my goal.

 

How do I know if she is choosing me, or choosing the easy way out... again?

 

SH, I know it won't matter... But please don't do this. Just please don't.

 

And yes, she is choosing her easy way out. She has shown you the height of complete and total disrespect and if you think that you are ever going to get her to respect you, brother it will not happy.

 

She thinks that you are weak enough to take her back, and if you do, it is just a matter of time before she cheats again.

 

You have done all the hard work, you have gotten yourself together, and you are moving on with your life in a much healthier way. Now she wants to come back to Mr. comfortable, Mr. plan B guy.

 

Here is an idea, let her BF take care of her.

 

Please don't do this...

[somanymistakes]

Be very careful.

 

It's not uncommon for cheaters to get into a waffly stage where they go back and forth, swearing to one person that they've definitely made up their mind and definitely chosen them, and then just as suddenly to give it all up and rush back to the other one.

 

I agree with Be_Strong - don't be too eager! If she really, truly realises what a mistake she's made and is honestly sorry, she will be desperate to prove it to you. She should suggest ways she can make it up to you, and willingly accept transparency requests you make of her. If she's hesitant, if she's trying to sweep it all under the rug as fast as possible, then she's not sorry, she's just looking for whoever can give her the easiest ride... and as soon as that's not you, she'll be out again.

[Marc878]

Grass wasn't as green as she thought or her boyfriend dumped her.

 

Reflect back on what got you where you are. Your actions and finding the ability to move on without her.

 

She left you for another man. Jumping into doormat status now would be a huge mistake on your part.

 

Better think with your head and not your heart but I doubt you will.

 

Good luck

Edited February 23, 2018 by Marc878

[amaysngrace]

She says jump and you say "how high?"

 

Still.

 

Did you ever know that doormats get walked on? Please don't see her. Make her work for it.

[NopeNah]

If it were me..I'd read. Like seriously..read instead of meeting up with your exwf. I'd read a handicapped sign. A "must see cashier for key" sign at a gas station bathroom, in a bad part of town..instead of being in contact with my cheating exwf.

 

 

But...Seriously..YOU should read the advice you've already been given in here.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Praying4Daylight

[frigginlost]

I knew this was coming. She was telegraphing her signals when she saw you face to face. By her not saying anything about how you changed, she said everything. She was either going to pull away bigtime, or find reasons to talk. I was betting on the latter.

 

You're in a hell of a bind, my friend.

 

I can only offer this piece of advice, as my wife did the *exact" actions your ex is:

 

If you are truly secure in yourself and where you are now and where you are going, and if you can stomach the fact that she still has a boyfriend who she is basically going behind the back of to want to meet with you, and you know that it means nothing toward recon with her, then meet with her.

 

I think her seeing you screwed with her bigtime. She gained some of that lost respect she had for you and it's messing with her.

 

What you need to realize and understand is that she is lost and looking for easy. You can't be easy for her. She needs to work at getting to be even friendly with you.

 

This is the danger zone as they say. Recon's rarely work unless significant time has taken place.

 

Just keep being you, and keep doing what your doing for yourself. Everything else will fall into place...

[whichwayisup]

I smell huge heartaches coming your way. She saw you happy and in shape, looking strong and wants to tear you down (again). Protect your heart because you're in for a bumpy ride. You want her back (she knows it and knows she can get away with anything now with you, no matter how shi.tty she treats you ,eventually you cave and allow her back in on some level).

 

This affair of hers is not over. She just doesn't want to see you move on and close door. Know why? Because she doesn't like that YOU have some power now, she's used to calling the shots and being in total control.

 

No judgement here, you're gonna do what you're gonna do but just be aware that it's so easy for her to say things and never show in actions, not follow through etc.

 

IF she is to come back

 

Affair has to end, total NC with OM.

Counseling on her own to fix herself.

Date, no sex and no living together. This is all on YOUR terms now IF she is coming back.

 

Wish you luck and again, remember protect your heart.

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, I have been reading your posts on others threads and I find them very balanced and sensible. I wonder what kind of advice you would give to someone in the same situation as you and who had written the same post as you have written, you of course, being an outside observer? Would you advise that person to meet up with his cheating wife in these circumstances or would your advice be materially different? Please give due thought to what Frigginlost and which way is up have suggested.

 

Remember, you have come a long way from those dark days when your wife deserted you and moved out. She must have thought you were a big time loser who was hanging on to her petticoat tails and once she moved out you would ne rudderless. Well you proved her wrong big time and she can see the positive changes you have brought about and she wants in on the bandwagon now. You are not the same guy now. You are in a position of power and in control of the situation. So now you call the shots. If she wants in you lay down the law and she had jolly well abide by it if she wants a piece of the cake you've baked for yourself and your son. She has to be contrite, transparent and respectful of you. She does'nt get a free lunch, she works her a.. off for it. Also do not be in any hurry to let her back in. Take your own sweet time and do it on your own timetable. Let her experience your sense of confidence and power in your new persona. While I am not suggesting that you gloat over her discomfort and misery, at the same time establish your new boundaries very clearly in her mind. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

Edited February 25, 2018 by Just a Guy

[StoicHusband]

We talked on Friday night, she told me how bad things have been for her and how she's really happy to see me doing well. She was a wreck, I hated seeing her that way. (at the time)

 

She went on to say that she made a huge mistake (yeah) and that she was just hooked on the way he made her feel when they started the emotional affair at work. She explained how disappointed she's been with every aspect of the relationship after that. He's inadequate as a lover, she hates the way he treats her, always on his games, he calls her names, says he hates "emotional bull****" (brought on by the craziness that comes with birth control which he had her start), he never understands how she feels and to top it all off, no one likes him at all (he's socially awkward af).

 

I explained that I can't just jump back into what we had, there's no way it could ever be the same (intimacy-wise). There is no way forward for me without a ton of work from her. I asked if she was willing to see a counselor together, she said she'd do that. Asked if she would learn to express herself and not leave me guessing, she agreed it would be necessary. We discussed everything it would take to get back together, she even volunteered for an STD test.

 

I asked her if she had someplace else to stay for a while so we could talk things out, she told me she had nowhere to go. I acted a FOOL and allowed her to come home. She went to his house, got some clothes, came home and told him she was with a friend. He didn't hardly notice.

 

She was forthcoming with everything, completely disclosed everything. I read the messages they sent, everything was slightly better than I thought. It was an emotional affair until she left. I was shocked, pleasantly.

 

We had Saturday together.

 

She broke up with this guy over text after getting all her **** while he was gone. He played cool, "fine **** off" etc. He's a pro... "Enjoy hating your life" We discussed how foolish he was for thinking it was something real. She is married after all...

 

We made plans to go out Monday night. We discussed the concert tickets I've bought, she was excited about them. (Primus/Mastodon and later The Smashing Pumpkins) We started to discuss everything. How I felt as if she had been raped, damn near. Because she didn't want unprotected sex with him, but he insisted. She cried and said she feels so dirty, used. I explained that she is not, I really tried to comfort her.

 

I told her about what I've had going on in life, quite a lot. I delved into everything with her, I really opened up. I feel like a damn fool.

 

She told all her friends she was back and that I am a great guy who never deserved this. She really stuck up for me to a few of them. She made all the right moves.

 

Saturday night I allowed her into the bed, we slept together (no sex). We had been kissing, hugging, telling each other we loved one another. She put our status back on facebook (married) I accepted, she put on her ring. I put mine on. We discussed how nice this all was and that it just felt like the right thing to do.

 

She woke me up for work and I am actually working right next door so I was in and out all day. I came home and I said that I could tell something was up, she came out with it. She said she's not physically attracted to me, hasn't been for a long time. She told me she ... doesn't love me and only loves what I can do for her ... she is not sure what she wants in life... I deserve someone who loves me back ... That she think she needs to be alone for a while ... That she is probably going to go stay with her friend (RED FLAG for those who follow my thread)...

 

She went out to get cat food and a drink just kinda think things over. She said she'd be back soon. She was gone for hours.

 

I came home to get a cigarette, walked in and she was packing a bag. I rolled a cigarette and asked "Are you taking it all?" She said "I don't think I can right now." I said "You and Isaac gonna work things out?" She said "Yes. I am so sorry, Stoic" I said "Yes, you are sorry. Take it all."

 

I picked up her **** and stacked it unceremoniously outside. Not angry, not in a rush, just strictly business... I took back my suitcase and the two shirts of mine that she had taken. I Checked the house for my valuables, they were there.

 

While she was gathering her things I told her "You will regret this." She looked at me as if it were a threat. I said "Not a threat... it's a guarantee. You'll see me accomplish everything I ever planned." She looked like she would cry. I told her "You deserve the way he treats you, you put no value on yourself. It's what held us back for ten years." She almost agreed.

 

I rolled another cigarette and asked her for her keys (I cut new copies for her as I have the machine that does it at my job). She gave them back, mail key and all. I told her I want to get together as soon as she can to sign the divorce papers. She said "ok" and began crying.

 

I went to work. I've taken a break to write this as it makes me feel better. I have talked to a few friends about it. I have blocked her on media and only left phone so she can contact me for the papers. I intend to sign them and be done with it.

 

I do somewhat feel like it's day one again. I'm not going to let myself fall so hard though. It hurts because I know that this is the end for us and I won't be able to trust her ever again.

 

I can't thank you all enough for your advice. I did listen, I just had to take my best shot at saving my marriage. Everything I did felt right. I wanted to make her feel better so she'd stop crying. I do love her unconditionally, but now I must learn to love her differently. I did keep it in my mind that this could happen, that helps a great deal.

I regret nothing.

[amaysngrace]

I wished it would have played out differently but at least you see her in a new light now. You do deserve better. She was right to say that.