How to deal with this friend?

[JimmyNYC]

Would this piss you off? And how to deal with this friend?

 

So I have this guy friend, we are both late 40s. Good guy, nice guy. Poor communicator. He has kind of been there for me when I need him to talk as I am for him. But sometimes I feel there is this double standard.

 

We live like 8 blocks away from each other. He is computer illiterate. I've fixed his computer like a dozen times. He often asks me to come over to his place to help fix, setup, troubleshoot electronic stuff, help move his bed etc. I do all this whenever he needs help.

 

Then one day we were going to a party. I asked him to come pick me up because I didn't want to drink and drive. He said lets just meet there. He always drives when we go to these parties. He's picked me up a few times but doesn't like to go out of his way. It really pisses me off because I always jump when he needs something. I go out of my way. fix his computer etc. Then I ask for a ride to party that he is going to anyway and he is going to drive to anyway, but he cannot be bothered to go 8 blocks out of his way and pick his friend up? wtf?

 

Then last night he asked me to fix his computer again. So I said sure, i'll do it tomorrow day. I'll text you when I get up. So I text at 9am. He texts back and says. can we do it at 11:30pm? I text, can we do it early like 10:30am I have things to do and want to get to them today. He says, how about 11? I say ok, let's meet at the store at 11 and we'll pick up the parts and go to your place. Then I text and say make sure you have all your errands run by 11 so we can pick up the part and head right over to your place and fix this as I have things to do in the afternoon. He then cancels on me saying let's do it some other time. I'm pissed because he wants HIS computer fixed for free from me and he never gives me a ride to these parties and NOW he wants to do it as HIS convenience today. I'm torn because he has been there for me emotionally when I need him but it really bothers me that he doesn't pick me up for these parties when I always help him with things.

 

Is this fair? How would you feel about this friend? How would you deal with him?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The next time he asks, say, "Sure, if you drive the next time we go to a party."

[d0nnivain]

You need to be better at your time boundaries: say I can help you but at this time only. When I am doing inconvenient favors for people I get to dictate the time line.

[preraph]

Sometimes being the generous one backfires on you. You can end up cultivating people who stick around to use you. Meanwhile, when you give and give, most givers expect reciprocation but the fact is, there's givers and then there's takers. My advice is not to give to someone once you know they're a taker. Because you feel they owe you something, whereas they have no conscience about it.

 

I agree to be even more rigid in your boundaries with this guy. Don't let him ramrod you.

[LilySun]

The next time he asks, say, "Sure, if you drive the next time we go to a party."

 

Perfect ?

It's annoying when people don't reciprocate simple friendship expectations, nor appreciate what they are getting.

 

But I would seriously use the suggestion above, no kidding.

[IndigoNight]

When you start to feel used in a relationship, it is time to rethink that relationship. I have known people like your friend who expect you to drop everything for them, but act put out if you ask for a simple favor. It is unlikely to change, because he has gotten so used to taking advantage of you (and I doubt you are the only one he does it to).

 

The next time he asks for help give him a firm time. If he wants to change it tell him "Sure, but since I have to rearrange some things I will need some cash (pay for rides, etc)." and see how quick he changes his priorities. Helping friends out is noble, being taken advantage of by someone who is supposed to be a friend is not cool.

 

Is he really worth the headache and frustrations, or do you think you can find people who are more mutually beneficial to your life, and that don't leave you feeling so taken advantage of? Only you can put a value on your time (and your time is valuable), and what you expect from a friendship.

 

Personally. to me, a good friend is priceless and I cherish them as the gift that they are in my life. If you were coming over to help me out, and I was cash poor, I would at least make you lunch or dinner, Something to say thank you, and I appreciate your help.

 

Best of luck.