Lurker to Poster

[jjgitties]

So today I did this. Out loud I told H about my real, true, deep feelings. The ugly truth about me, our M and him specifically . How in the darkest corner of my soul, my self esteem allowed me to believe he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't the main source of income. That the little voice in my head kept telling me that I wasn't worthy of unconditional love -- and how I held myself back emotionally afraid that if I didn't provide that support OR he became the breadwinner, that he wouldn't feel the same about me and would dump me. (no matter how unrealistic this may sound, in my heart of hearts, this is how I felt).

 

How I resented being responsible for household chores, cleaning and cooking. How I did not feel valued. (I have nagged about housework and such but I guess never really spelled out my true feelings).

 

This was the worst ---- I told him I didn't respect him sometimes and I felt that might be affecting my sexual attraction to him and possibly always has.

 

To say he was flabbergasted was an understatement. He had no idea I had held all this in all of these years. How important some of these things are to me. (Honestly until I started posting here and doing some serious introspection, I couldn't fully identify the issues I had with H - too many years of holding it all in I guess?)

 

So today, I acted like an adult and communicated. I didn't admit to the EA but he eluded that he knew I was pulling away in the last few months, could feel me letting go and worried that I would leave him or find someone else. He said he was hoping that I would try to give us a chance before I did something stupid.

(For all those people in affairs thinking their spouse doesn't know, I call BS because I would now bet my favorite cat that he suspected from the instant I started talking to the ex what was going on, what could happen).

 

Limerence is real. Self esteem issues are real. True love is real - if we can love ourselves enough to accept it. IC here I come.

 

Good for you OP. I think it's a step in right direction for now.

 

So you didn't tell him about EA? He claims he knew? What kind of an EA was it? Did you both announce your feelings for each other or was it assumed and understood by you and other person?

[lhgirl]

Good for you OP. I think it's a step in right direction for now.

 

So you didn't tell him about EA? He claims he knew? What kind of an EA was it? Did you both announce your feelings for each other or was it assumed and understood by you and other person?

 

I didn't tell him anything, he just said he had noticed I was pulling away etc. in the last few months. I did not admit or deny anything.

 

I am now going to describe the EA as a married man looking for no strings attached fun on the side.

[S2B]

Instead of criticizing the things you don't appreciate about your husband - why not get honest with him and tell him you're hypercritical of him because you've been focused on another man - a fantasy man/world he couldn't possibly compete with/live up to?

 

I think it's cruel you are critical of him knowing full well you've been emotionally attached to another man.

 

 

We don't need you to type more about your OM - that's the main problem - you're still focused on the OM and not how your husband must feel with you betraying him and your marriage.

 

 

Your "confession was self serving and you're still lying by omission. Get honest.

[Vivir]

lhgirl, I think it is an amazing feat to recognize our bad behavior and go even further to understand The Why behind how we are acting and its impact(s) and how to STOP doing those things and make an effort to be better. I agree with jjgitties and think it is great that you had this conversation with your husband, but I also agree with S2B that it was an opportunity for you to come totally clean with him and put ALL of your cards on the table.

 

With that said, coming clean and admitting that we have done wrong is scary as heck! I can understand not wanting to be the "bad guy" -it is NOT great. Right now, you know, and he may suspect. Your husband will know for certain that you have been a villain, and disclosure is likely to explode your life, relationship, etc. None of us can know what is best for you and your marriage. For now, you have made the decision not to disclose your affair. Many believe that relationships can rise from the ruins of an affair if people love each other and are willing to work to reconcile. Many people who do this will end up experiencing the best relationship of their lives... others aren't so lucky...

 

Ultimately, as you know, it's your call to make.