How do I chill out? Getting back with my husband.

[Wifeonamission]

Hi Friends,

 

This is the first time I'm posting on ANY forum....I need some support. My husband and I after 3 years of marriage split up 4 months ago. I kicked him out (over something silly because I was mentally ill at the time), he refused to come home after realizing my mistakes and asked repeatedly for a divorce in the beginning. Things were a little complicated as a lot of my actions and behaviours that contributed to the relationship falling apart were due to an illness I had, one I have since healed from. I would say the state of the relationship is 75% my fault for where it came to, well really my illnesses fault. I never gave up on him though, and continued to be loyal and love him.

 

I took two months, went to another country got the medical treatment I needed became HELLA healthy and regained my strength and confidence when away. When we were apart he had agreed with my request to not see other people, well he said he would "tell me if he wanted to see someone else" and I told him I would be loyal when away. We had very little contact when I was away. I came to find out he lived in his man cave the entire time and was miserable, angry, and very depressed. When I returned home we spoke in depth for hours and decided to work on our "friendship", stay loyal to each other, and we also started having sex again, we agreed to try this for 3 months and see where we are. He realizes now how sick I was, how much I've healed but is still very scared. He's out of the country now for a month so this rebuilding has all had to start (after two days together) via phone.

 

We text often, specifically after I let him know I would like daily contact and didn't need him falling out mid-conversation, he's started respecting me via social media again, and overall we have a comfortable agreement and I'm looking forward to spending time with him in a couple weeks in person.

 

My problem now is I'm having such trouble with communication, and understanding this new communication because I've always had full access to him before and now I don't as he has major boundaries up with me. He's also very short, to the point and a little cold in most of our dealings though will ALWAYS respond to me. He will very rarely flirt unless he's after some sexting. I'm struggling to understand how when we use to be in constant contact when we were married, now he's keeping me at arm's length and it's so hard not to take it to heart. Like today, one quick happy boxing day text and then nothing.... Does the change/lack of contact mean he doesn't love me anymore? Or is it possible for him to be scared and want to take it slow (like he's telling me). I want to believe him that he loves me but wants to take things slow but I'm a very very verbal person, I need that reassurance daily even and I'm just not getting it from him anymore/yet.

 

How does one take things slow? Is it possible to love someone and want to take it slow? I ask this because I don't love like this, I love fierce and hard always have. I want to respect his needs right now, I want to fix my marriage as my illness was such a big reason we got here and I feel so bad for how I treated him for so many years poorly but I also want to feel loved and like I can trust him too!

 

Am I just too worried and just need to chill out?

[SpecialJ]

Good on you for taking responsibility for your illness and seeking treatment on your own, and for recognizing that just because you were sick doesn't mean you didn't want to be with him. However, your whole message is still focusing on your needs over his (though you recognize to some extent that you're doing this). It sounds like you put him through a lot and that you treated him poorly "for so many years." So, now you probably need to do two things: 1. respect his needs to rebuild this slowly 2. continue taking responsibility for your own needs by speaking to a therapist about your constant need for external validation.

 

It sounds from your post like you have some issues with insecurity or abandonment and possibly an anxious attachment style. You're not going to improve this relationship easily by putting your need for reassurance ahead of his need to rebuild your marriage slowly, so the way to take care of your own anxiety is to find a way to fulfill that need for reassurance by better loving yourself and building up your self-esteem. Assuming this is a different issue than you've already started working on when treating your illness / mental illness, there are therapists who specialize in these issues and can help you. That way, you can work on that issue and learn to prioritize your needs in a healthy way that also keeps you open to respecting and providing for the space and speed he wants.

 

I think you can do both these things at once, and you can share with him how you're feeling and what you're doing about it. Specifically, that you're finding the shift in relationship dynamic difficult but because you respect his needs and really want to show him how important it is for you to work this out, you're independently continuing to seek help improving yourself as a partner (and then make sure your actions match your words). Good luck

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wouldn't be able to say it any better than SpecialJ did. Kudos to you for getting the help you need and being patient while your husband heals and begins to trust you with his emotions again.

[Wifeonamission]

Thanks guys - great advice I'll work on it all. I have major abandonment issues with my husband particularly after what happened with my illness. Also doesn't help my love language is "words of affirmation" and he's just not giving them right now it's hard to not want when I'm giving so much each day. (sweet messages, making him a priority etc)

 

A couple things I'm particularly worried about:

 

The sex...his love language is physical contact, this was also an area of our relationship what was greatly affected by my illness. I'm afraid because we are exploring this area with him (which I do enjoy) to help heal it before I'm receiving ANY verbal reassurances from him I may be coming across as desperate?! So much online says not to do XYZ until XYZ happens. It's also hard for me not to fall into the hole afterward when he goes distant thinking, he can ask me for naked photos but can't say he misses me?! Do you think this is something I'm just going to have to accept until he trusts me again because it was my actions that got us here to begin with?

 

My second worry is that taking things slow means things will ALWAYS be like this, he'll randomly go distant and out of touch, he won't make me a priority etc. As I love or I don't with very little inbetween, anyone else been through this type of phase that eventually brought you back to a happy, connected, fulfilling relationship? Or is the coldness I'm feeling from him a sign our reconciliation is doomed from the start as he just sometimes doesn't have the interest in me?

[happyonislands]

Hang in there! Healing takes time; some people more than others. Your hubby may be hurt by your prior behavior and at this point, he may be confused. Continue to believe the best for your marriage. However, have you considered speaking to anyone such as a counselor or local pastor that can provide advice or insight?

Good luck! I wish you all the best.

[Purepony]

What kind of illness is this? Is this an illness that could come back is this an illness like a disease is it in the list like something that could happen again or I’m just wondering because maybe that’s why he’s afraid or nervous or his reaction

[FilterCoffee]

Hi wifeonamission,

 

Your husband is acting distant because he’s still upset about the things you did while you were ill. He’s keeping his guard up because he doesn’t want to get hurt. However, there are a lot of good signs; he always responds to your messages, he didn’t cheat while you were away, he wants to be intimate with you and he’s abiding by the agreement the two of you set. To answer your question, I do think it’s possible that he loves you even though he wants to take things slow and the signs I mentioned above clearly suggest that.

 

Great job on getting your health back and putting your life in order. You’re doing all the right things so keep at it but remember to stay patient and respect his space.

[fiskadoro]

Don't let loving "fierce and hard" be your defining trait. Fierce and hard is about you, not the person you are loving. Maybe what you want is for him to declare that he will not ever be with anyone but you? When you left, you made him agree to not see other people, and now that you are back he has explicitly told you he wants to take it slow, right?

 

I hope you aren't searching for advice to contradict what he himself is telling you. You are lucky to have someone who tells you what they want and expect, and who waited for you while you were out of the country. Don't blow that by being demanding about how and when he accepts your love. If it is a true act of contrition on your part, listen to him.

 

Good luck.

[Wifeonamission]

I had copper poisoning - a type of heavy metal poisoning so no there's no way for it to just come back at all, once the evil stuff is out it's out for good! Thank god. The nasty metal stores in your brain and can lead to schizophrenia to give you an idea of the effects on the mind it can have.