Are regularly horny people not cut for relationships material?

[Alamo657]

Had a discussion with a friend, about the fact that if the sex is too great, it's a hint that a person will not be loyal, and cheat.

 

To elaborate : a person who has a high sex drive will never be satisfied with just "one" regular partner, even if the sexual chemistry is awesome between you too. They'll need the thrill, validation, and excitation, from multiplying sexual partners.

 

I speak from personal experience here, as my most memorable girlfriend sexwise was also the most prone to flirting, and without going into details, a serial cheater, and not just with me.

 

What do you think about that ?

[d0nnivain]

Nonesense. A high libido does not equal low morals or high rates of infidelity.

 

However somebody with a high libido needs a partner who shares that drive. A person with a really high drive will not be satisfied with somebody who only once sex every once in a while. That doesn't mean the higher sex drive person will cheat; I suspect they will simply break up.

 

Anybody who claims they "had to" cheat because their partner could not keep up is simply a cheater who makes up excuses for their own bad behavior.

[dichotomy]

A person who enjoys multiple simultaneous partners, frequent partner changes, and variety in sex - yes that person will struggle with monogamy. My current wife was like this when we met - but hid that part of herself from me. She had trouble letting go of her partners (EA's with me) and after no contact was demanded - her sexual interest dried up with just one partner me, but I mostly trust her now not to cheat. But whats worse?

 

However there are people with high libidos who also prefer (mostly) long term relationships and not casual sex. I am one of those.

 

So high libido and sexual fidelity are not the same.

 

Would you marry a low libido person - to ensure faithfulness ? Or is it like Goldilocks ?

Edited December 27, 2017 by dichotomy

[heartbrokenlady]

Nope. Before enforced menopause from chemo, my libido was off the chain. I won't describe some of my behaviours, but I'm embarrassed now to think about it.

 

And yet, I was not unfaithful to my ex. It was him I wanted sex with. No one else.

[grays]

I hope that's not true. And so far, in my experience, it hasn't been true. When I've been single I've always had lots of sex and lots of partners. But I was married and completely faithful to my husband for 25 years. He ended up leaving me for someone else.

 

Ive been single for a little more than 3 years and have just gotten into an exclusive relationship. It hasn't been very long, only 3 months since we became exclusive, but I feel very committed.

 

Because I was avoiding a real relationship before the new guy, I had quite a few fwb's and I was very attached to a few of them. I've been getting texts all this time from guys trying to hit me up for sex. Last night I had a text conversation with one I had been seeing for two years, telling him I wasn't going to be able to see him anymore. I was so sad about it, not because I feel like I need sex or attention outside of my relationship but because I will miss this guy's place in my life. But I wasn't tempted to have sex with him, though I totally could've popped over to his place. And I haven't been tempted for the others.

 

I do worry a little how just how available it is. On an ordinary day, its not an issue. But what if there's a rough patch with the new guy? I hope that just being aware of the problem before it hits will help.

 

I also wondering if having more evenly matched sex drives might help. My ex didn't have a high drive at all tho. And my response was to really shut down sexually. There were probably 20 years during our marriage where I had almost no urge at all to have sex. We had sex once a week for years and years because that was about what he wanted. I did it because he wanted it. It wasnt great.

 

I have no idea about my new guy's drive because we're both so busy that we're not around each other enough to know. I have hope, though. He's making it a huge priority, which I'm enjoying immensely.

[Nilfiry]

It can be a hint because having a strong libido will affect one's mentality, even if only subtly, making that person more likely to make decisions that will lead them to satisfying that libido. However, just because it can be does not mean it is.

 

Even though having a strong libido can affect a person's decisions, even making them more likely to cheat, it is not like a brainwashing effect that causes a person to lose all rationality of what they are doing. There is always still that conscience telling right from wrong and stopping one from crossing a line. People with a high libido may often think about sleeping with others, but they will usually not go through with it even if they could get away with it. If a person is so overtaken by their libido that they ignore their conscience, then the problem is not usually the libido but something else, such as feeling lonely or ignored by his/her partner.

 

Of course, there are also people who have little to no problems with cheating to satisfying a libido if they can get away with it, but you cannot judge based solely on the level of libido. People need to be examined on a case-by-case basis and cannot be generalized.

[central]

That's complete and utter nonsense. However, high libido people should only be in relationships with other high libido people, because otherwise they may be motivated to cheat on a low libido partner. Similarly, low libido people should only choose low libido partners.

 

Promiscuity and/or infidelity are unrelated to libido, generally.

[LilySun]

I don't think so. I enjoy sex quite a lot but only when I have a connection with that person. I never enjoyed ONS or FWB all that much. So I wouldn't say high sex drive = cheater or commitphobe. People with low sex drive are just as capable of cheating or not being able to commit. Because reasons for that behavior usually don't have anything to do with sex to begin with.

 

Sex addiction is real, though. I'd imagine relationships are a challenge for them, for sure. And maybe more likely to cheat. But they can also still desire a committed relationship.

[carhill]

I would guard against such generalizations.

 

However, if such a person demonstrates a consistent history of promiscuity and/or inability to form committed and exclusive bonds, expect that to continue.

[Els]

Libido has nothing to do with monogamy or lack thereof.

 

as my most memorable girlfriend sexwise was also the most prone to flirting, and without going into details, a serial cheater, and not just with me.

I really hope you're not trying to make an assumption based on just one data point. Besides, a more fitting observation from your data point would be that serial cheaters are bound to cheat again, and that you shouldn't be ignoring red flags like someone flirting heavily while in a relationship.

[Popsicle]

Had a discussion with a friend, about the fact that if the sex is too great, it's a hint that a person will not be loyal, and cheat.

 

To elaborate : a person who has a high sex drive will never be satisfied with just "one" regular partner, even if the sexual chemistry is awesome between you too. They'll need the thrill, validation, and excitation, from multiplying sexual partners.

 

I speak from personal experience here, as my most memorable girlfriend sexwise was also the most prone to flirting, and without going into details, a serial cheater, and not just with me.

 

What do you think about that ?

 

Is that also true for you?

 

You know, everyone on the internet is high sex drive, but I digress...

 

Some men do think this way... that if a woman is very sexual (which men like) then she can not be trusted. Luckily, the ones who think this way are a small minority. Most men just love it and go with it.

 

Anyway, cheating has nothing to do with sex drive. A person can cheat and never have sex (i.e. emotional affairs). Cheating is more about integrity and commitment.

[salparadise]

Is that also true for you?

 

You know, everyone on the internet is high sex drive, but I digress...

 

Some men do think this way... that if a woman is very sexual (which men like) then she can not be trusted. Luckily, the ones who think this way are a small minority. Most men just love it and go with it.

 

Anyway, cheating has nothing to do with sex drive. A person can cheat and never have sex (i.e. emotional affairs). Cheating is more about integrity and commitment.

 

 

Everyone on the internet... ha, good one!

 

This is probably something that a simple matrix would define pretty well. Horizontal axis - a) high libido, b) low libido

Vertical axis - a) needs external validation, b) well-developed sense of self

 

The a,a combination will have high motivation to find extracurricular sexual activity, whereas the b,b combo will have virtually no motivation. But my expectation would be that the b,a is more likely to cheat than the a,b type.

 

My theory is that the root cause of most cheating is the need for external validation that results from a incomplete sense of self. Of course it's a complex subject condensed to one sentence, but I believe it covers the majority if not the entirety.

[elaine567]

I speak from personal experience here, as my most memorable girlfriend sexwise was also the most prone to flirting, and without going into details, a serial cheater, and not just with me.

 

 

I guess it was the flirting and the history of deception that were the red flags not the high drive.

Six subtle personality traits which mean your partner is likely to cheat on you | The Independent

 

1. Flirtatiousness

It makes sense that someone who once enjoyed flirting might not like the fact that they’re expected not to do so when in a monogamous relationship. A lot of cheaters flirt with everyone, even when they’re with their partners.

They get a rush out of the exchange, and according to the experts, “this need for validation and feeling desired can eventually lead them to cheat on you.” Being friendly and charming is one thing, but flirting is another, so watch out.

 

4. Deception

As the saying goes: once a cheater, always a cheater. So if you’ve caught your other-half cheating on you before, you already know what type of person you’re dealing with. However experts believe lying says just as much about a person’s morals: “Not all liars are cheaters but cheaters are always liars.” So if your partner’s lied to you before, be on your guard

[somanymistakes]

Some people have a high libido and that simply means they want to have twice-a-day sex with their spouse.

 

Some people have an uncontrollable libido to the point where it's actually a mental disorder / addiction kind of thing, and want sex literally all the time and will never turn down any opportunity to have it, no matter what the consequences are. These people have porn on-hand 24/7, have a wife AND two regular APs AND one-night-stands every week AND visit massage parlors AND get caught with prostitutes. If you meet one of these, then yeah, they're going to cheat. But this is NOT the usual 'high libido' person.

[stillafool]

This is funny. A man just told me the other day that he was not looking for a woman with a high sex drive to date because those types cheat. OMG!!! This will be the same man complaining in 3 years how his gf is never interested in sex. Women just can't win.

[CptInsano]

In my experience those who are insecure, need a lot of validation and attention will cheat. A high sex drive has little to do with it IMHO, as cheating is less about the sex than hedging your bets and trying not to commit, or simple risk-seeking behavior.

 

I used to have a gf who didn't want to go out, because she thought it a waste of time because as you might have sex instead. She didn't drink, because it dulled the joy of sex, and asked the same of me. I ended up being sleep-deprived a lot. She was just very happy/bubbly and affectionate.

 

But she never cheated on me.

[Shanex]

If you are lucky to have a high sex drive woman by your side, enjoy. Does not mean she will cheat because there are different reasons for it, unless you guys don't live together or in a LDR and shes a nympho.

 

You should be careful about the signs from people who do not want to commit yet stay with you while keeping their options open.

[salparadise]

As I said before, it's a complex subject. In addition to a person's sense of self and need for external validation, there are the stages of moral development as defined by Kohlberg. People at the higher levels are characterized by conscience and doing what is right simply because it's the right thing to do. But people at the lower levels may be more concerned with likelihood of suffering consequences.

 

In the middle we have moral absolutists, who may be more inclined if they can rationalize why they should not be constrained by society's rules. For instance, they may reason that their spouse failed to uphold some part of the contract, which gives them license or even the intent.

 

There are also those who simply don't subscribe to rules, almost as if they're sociopaths but with limited scope. I know one person who fits this and it's hard to understand.

[preraph]

They may be more tempted but I will say that as far as "validation," that's not about sex. That's about low self-esteem that needs the constant admiration and pumping up to make them feel like something. And that's a problem. Tiger Woods is the classic example of that.

 

Someone with an extreme sex drive may be more impulsive. I mean, just look at young guys who are positively rabid at 19 or 20. Very hard to corral one to one person. They want to do everything and everyone they can, and that's the age to do it. If a person has reached 30 and they're still kind of frothing at the mouth horny all the time and still can't focus on a partner, I'd write them off for anything except casual sex and keep looking.

 

I have a friend who has impulse control problems due to mental illness and is very high libido (very high estrogen, actually). She has a good husband but it's never enough. And she is always tempted and the bar isn't very high. So it can be a problem.

 

The key is ethics. If you don't want to be cheated on, find someone whose personal belief system will prevent them from cheating. If you loved someone as a person, the very last thing you'd want to do is hurt them, right? Yet it happens all the time. It happens because a lot of people don't love the other person but mainly just love sex. They confuse the two. Look for someone who'd stay with you even if you had an illness that prevented further sex. And remember, sex is something you can take care of yourself. You don't have to cheat to have sex and fix that need. So take your time and wait some years and see how a person loves. Do they worry about you when you go to work and it's freezing out, and check your antifreeze? Or do they mainly worry about whether you're cheating or why you said you weren't in the mood last night?

[Just a Guy]

Hi peraph, you've made some good points. However, I think apart from ethics, a person who has very strong boundaries is the one who will not cheat. Of course cheating displays a lack of ethics but sometimes people with a good sense of ethics get drawn into cheating on their spouses because their boundaries are low, or, they are emotionally at a low point and their boundaries were not robust enough at that point to withstand temptation. A combination of a good sense of ethics and strong boundaries should usually ensure that a person will not cheat. However, we are all human and 'To err is human'! None of us can say we would never cheat. Given the right circumstances, all of us are prone to cheating, howsoever remote that possibility is. Just a thought.

 

Hi Cptlnsano, I am left wondering why you did not end up marrying this GF you talked about? She seems like everyman's dream! I'm sure you are regretting it. .

[No_Go]

Well I think that's BS. Sex drive <> desire to be with multiple partners.

 

I've always had very high drive and ZERO desire to be with multiple partners. Getting bored with a partner is an unknown thought for me - an I admit it has nothing to do with 'love', I just find it dumb to replace something that is safe and functional.

 

Had a discussion with a friend, about the fact that if the sex is too great, it's a hint that a person will not be loyal, and cheat.

 

To elaborate : a person who has a high sex drive will never be satisfied with just "one" regular partner, even if the sexual chemistry is awesome between you too. They'll need the thrill, validation, and excitation, from multiplying sexual partners.

 

I speak from personal experience here, as my most memorable girlfriend sexwise was also the most prone to flirting, and without going into details, a serial cheater, and not just with me.

 

What do you think about that ?

[No_Go]

In my experience those who are insecure, need a lot of validation and attention will cheat. A high sex drive has little to do with it IMHO, as cheating is less about the sex than hedging your bets and trying not to commit, or simple risk-seeking behavior.

 

^ Yep, exactly that. Cheating has to do with insecurity not sex drive.

 

Usually people that cheat or monkey branch are just... sad creatures that believe their self-worth is very low... So are trying to boost it up a little by jumping from one d*ck / p*ssy to another.

[preraph]

Hi peraph, you've made some good points. However, I think apart from ethics, a person who has very strong boundaries is the one who will not cheat. Of course cheating displays a lack of ethics but sometimes people with a good sense of ethics get drawn into cheating on their spouses because their boundaries are low, or, they are emotionally at a low point and their boundaries were not robust enough at that point to withstand temptation. A combination of a good sense of ethics and strong boundaries should usually ensure that a person will not cheat. However, we are all human and 'To err is human'! None of us can say we would never cheat. Given the right circumstances, all of us are prone to cheating, howsoever remote that possibility is. Just a thought.

 

Hi Cptlnsano, I am left wondering why you did not end up marrying this GF you talked about? She seems like everyman's dream! I'm sure you are regretting it. .

 

I completely agree. I lump boundaries and ethics kind of together but they go hand in hand. That's why I'm always telling especially women on here to sit down and make some rules for standards and boundaries so they don't just let things "happen" to them.

[Fair]

I actually think there's something to this, for some women but believe it is a bigger problem still for men. If it's very high it's one of those things that can make even the best people trip up.

[cabbageman]

Nah. I don't give a **** about others so I really don't care either way.

 

I believe people have a born right to do whatever they want as long as they are accountable to themselves. Existentalism.

 

I just get too bored having sex with the same person over and over, I find it completely ridiculous how people compromise their needs to just 1 person. Maybe they are just simple folk. In any case I don't think it has to do with the libido, more so alliegance to self and amount of selfishness.