I need to cut contact from my mother for MY mental health

[unconditionallover]

Hey guys, hope this is the right area to post in.

Some info: I'm a 29F and my mum is 53. She has numerous mental health issues which means for the last 7 plus years she has been in and out of hospital (suicide). We live separately and at one point I was her primary carer but not anymore. She will never be healthy or 'normal' and it appears that how she is/acts now is how she will be forever.

 

I have recently realised that I am now developing my own mental health issues and my mothers constant hospitalisation and erratic behaviour are making them worse if not outright causing them. I have sever dermatophagia (5 years ago) and Binge eating disorder (3 years ago), recently I have started having panic attacks (this year). Basically I am starting to think I cannot handle my mothers issues and need to cut her from my life.

 

Any advice would be appreciated on how I should do this? Should I tell her or just do it? I'm also aware this may cause her emotional distress but I'm sort of at a loss as to how else to proceed . . .

[heartbrokenlady]

My daughter and I are almost exactly the same ages as you and your mum. She's a bit older and I'm a bit younger, but pretty much similar.

 

If she felt the way you do, I'd understand. Any parent wants their child to have a fulfilling life. And if I was actively preventing her from that, I'd understand her needing to cut me loose.

[Nilfiry]

Just wanted to throw this out there, but have you gotten yourself a mental check up yet to see whether your mother's mental health issue is genetic?

 

Given your mental state, it is probably not a good idea for you to be a senior caretaker, but you cannot just abandon her cold turkey either. You should at least find a way to settle her in so that she has someone or someplace else to take care of her, and then explain to her why you have to do this (for your health). Considering she is a bit suicidal, you definitely need someone to watch her to make sure you leaving her to someone else's care is not too much of a shock.

[d0nnivain]

Don't tell her. That just invites her to create a scene. Just fade away. On her birthday & major holidays send her a card or gift but limit personal interactions. The only reason I suggest the cards is that she is your mother & you know she's mentally ill. A little compassion will serve you well.

[BaileyB]

Don't tell her. That just invites her to create a scene. Just fade away. On her birthday & major holidays send her a card or gift but limit personal interactions. The only reason I suggest the cards is that she is your mother & you know she's mentally ill. A little compassion will serve you well.

 

 

This. And, get some help for your own mental health issues. I wish you all the best.

[preraph]

First things first. It's time you got thoroughly evaluated by a psychiatrist to find out what's treatable and treat it. You may find you are better able to withstand involvement with her once you yourself are healthier. You will have to evaluate whether she can live on her own or not. If she really can't, she may need to be in a retirement home or something like that.

 

First, you concentrate on taking care of yourself. You cannot expect to be able to handle her while you are weakened. Make an appointment.

[unconditionallover]

Thanks for everyone's responses, much appreciated.

 

I have already taken care of my issues and they are all controlled. However it has come up multiple times in therapy that my conditions are coming from the stress I'm experiencing due to my mum.

 

I don't live with her and she already lives by herself. I have not been her carer for a number of years now. I am only involved in so far as taking her things to hospital, calling ambulances etc

 

We have contact as a normal mother/daughter relationship, talk about our day, talk about family stuff etc every day or two so I thought going cold on her might be too harsh hence why I was thinking of explaining to her why I had to do it.

But I agree, birthday and holidays interactions are fine.

 

I think I just have to suck it up and do it no matter the consequences.

[Nadine123]

I dont agree with you cutting contact with your mother and only contacting her in occasions.

 

I posted a couple of months ago about the exact same problem with my mother. Yes, they might put alot of stress on us but they have also done so much for us. Think about all the amazing things she did for you. I know you might not like hearing us, but patience and compassion come along way.

 

When I changed MY attitude about how I perceive things she does, this is when my relationship progressed with her to the better. I would recommend that you listen to Ajahn Brahm talks. This one helped me greatly, but there are many others you can benefit from

 

Good luck and keep up posted

[Arieswoman]

Hello Nadine123,

I think the advice you need is beyond the scope of most people on this board.

 

I would suggest you get yourself referred to a psychologist/psychiatrist that specialises in helping people with eating disorders.

 

Don't tell her. That just invites her to create a scene. Just fade away

.

 

^^^ this is good advice.

 

Good luck x

[anika99]

well talking to your mom every day or two is a lot of contact. I wouldn't want to talk to my mom that much and she doesn't have near as many problems as your mom. However cutting her off completely seems pretty harsh. I think she may be contributing to some of your problems just by the sheer volume of contact. Your lives are too intertwined. Maybe try just pulling back and putting some distance between you. Tell her you are working on your own issues and then start only talking to her once a week, then gradually cut down to once every two weeks. See if just having more limited contact improves your mental health outlook.

 

When my mom was in her fifties and I was in my thirties she was addicted to prescription drugs (still is) and she used to stress me out too. Always falling down and having accidents due to be so stoned all the time and she used to threaten suicide too (no attempts). I get how stressful a parent like this can be. I was horribly enmeshed with her as a kid and right up through my twenties. I really distanced myself from her when I reached 30 and it hurt both me and her but it was necessary. However I never cut her off. I thought about it but just couldn't and now that she is in her 70's and not going to live much longer due to her poor health I'm glad I never totally cut her out of my life.