kgal Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Should I call? I mean... I don't want to "bug" him .. I wanna let him have quality time w/them and leave him alone. I just get impatient sometimes and I feel like I am interferring w/his time w/them. I guess I'll just keep my distance during those times... I don't want to be the "hounding girlfriend"... but then again... why shouldn't I call when I haven't heard from him in a few days?! Shouldn't he be a good bf and let me know he's still hangin out w/them? I am contradicting myself to the max!! Someone slap me to sanity.. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Why should he mind if you call? As long as if it's not lots of little nuisance calls. Just ring and say something like, "Hi, just wondering how you and the kids are going. I miss you." Maybe he thinks you don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 I care... I did send two text messages, but he didn't reply... so I just felt that calling might interrupt him and his kids. I just don't want to get in the way of their time... seeing how he doesn't see them that often. I will call tomorrow, if I don't hear from him. Thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 If he gets peeved at a 30 second phone call, then he's got issues, and I would be questioning how much you actually mean to him Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 Well..he wouldn't get mad.. I know that. I just don't want him to get sick of me. What am I saying? You are right, if he loves me.. he won't get sick of me! It's too late to call right now .. but I will tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 IMHO, any relationship that is going to last is built on communication and trust. Communication: You have to ask him about calling while he has his kids. You can't read his mind. Find out if there is a quiet time that they have when you can call. Or there may be a time when they are swimming for example, when he is watching them but can also talk to you. Tell him what you have posted here about your concerns. Trust: You need to trust that he isn't going to get angry about you calling to at least get some answers. Then, if he does get angry, that will tell you about his personality. If you can't discuss this issue, how are you going to discuss the really big ones that come up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 Well.. I found out that his daughter was in a car accident.. so that's why I didn't hear from him all weekend. I still feel like something is going on tho... he wasn't the one to contact me... tho I'm very impatient.. and I'm sure he would've last night, had I not contacted him first. He was just very angry when we spoke... again, I think its due to what happened to his child. I guess what has to be done is just for me to take a deep breath and let things go the way they will w/us. I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to keep things so perfect... I don't want things to go sour... so I struggle to stay in touch... maybe a little too much! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Nah, let HIM call you! If he doesn't call when he's with his kids then it means that's how he imagines things should be. Don't make any step first. If he thought you should talk during those days, he'd call you. What's stopping him? Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Welp, men think differently than women. There are a lot of times when a woman will "expect" a man to do/say something, but he doesn't even think along those lines or he was simply thinking of the here and now (taking care of his kids). So, while you are waiting for him to call and he is waiting for you to call, no communication is taking place, nothing is getting better and the relationship isn't moving in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 LOL.. that's why I called him! Something I haven't mentioned... is that my phone is turned off right now... so I've been using my Mom's. I don't think he feels comfortable calling her phone, cuz he doesn't want to run up her bill. He would call me when my phone was working... so that's one of the reasons I chose to call him first. Last night though, he was acting like a jerk. I just hope things get better between us. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by kgal Last night though, he was acting like a jerk. I just hope things get better between us. I hope so too. How was he acting like a jerk? Perhaps we could help you feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 25, 2005 Author Share Posted August 25, 2005 Well... it's a pretty complicated ordeal.. but... I sortof have to "sneak" to call him, since right now.. my fam. doesn't like to see me talking to him on the phone. So.. anyways... I was talking to him last night.. and my Dad walked in the room I was in. I didn't know what to do... so I just hung up the phone. I did it twice while talking to him... and I *think* he got offended. I must've called him back 3 times and text messaged him, saying I was sorry. He didn't even contact me back after that... so it just kinda hurt my feelings and now I'm not even sure if I want to call tonight. Grr. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Um . . . how old are you and your boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by Lil Honey Um . . . how old are you and your boyfriend? I'm wondering the same thing.... I don't understand this... your BF has children, so I'm hoping you're also an adult? Why would you have to sneak to call him? Honestly if my BF hung up on me three times because someone in his family walked in the room or whatever I would've been pissed off.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Merin: I was thinking that the boyfriend has children (so hopefully he isn't 17), but she has to hang up the phone when her dad walks in because "my fam. doesn't like to see me talking to him," which tells me that she must be a minor because an adult (I would think) would be entitled to their own private conversations. Now, as far as just hanging up on someone when another person enters the room, it seems strange that she couldn't say something like, "Okay, I'll talk to you later, bye." Simply hanging up doesn't seem like something an adult would do. Not only that, but if the Dad saw her quickly hanging up, it simply LOOKS suspicious. Which, in his shoes, would cause me to pick the phone up and hit "redial" to find out who she was talking to. AND, because I have been a Mom for over 20 years, I also question WHY her family doesn't want her talking to him. Is it an age difference? Do they not like his personality? I hate to say this (cuz she won't like it) but family and friends can see undesirable traits that a significant other can't/won't/doesn't see. So, if they see him as taking advantage of her, he may very well be doing just that. Edited to add: Here's another question. She said that he doesn't want to call her, because he doesn't want to run up her mom's phone bill. So, I thought that he might be calling collect. Then, I thought that maybe her mom has a cell phone and it would cost her in minutes/money. The thing is, if her mom has a cell phone, wouldn't the OP still be costing her mom minutes by calling him? I don't get the whole phone thing. LH Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by Lil Honey Merin: I was thinking that the boyfriend has children (so hopefully he isn't 17), but she has to hang up the phone when her dad walks in because "my fam. doesn't like to see me talking to him," which tells me that she must be a minor because an adult (I would think) would be entitled to their own private conversations. Now, as far as just hanging up on someone when another person enters the room, it seems strange that she couldn't say something like, "Okay, I'll talk to you later, bye." Simply hanging up doesn't seem like something an adult would do. Not only that, but if the Dad saw her quickly hanging up, it simply LOOKS suspicious. Which, in his shoes, would cause me to pick the phone up and hit "redial" to find out who she was talking to. AND, because I have been a Mom for over 20 years, I also question WHY her family doesn't want her talking to him. Is it an age difference? Do they not like his personality? I hate to say this (cuz she won't like it) but family and friends can see undesirable traits that a significant other can't/won't/doesn't see. So, if they see him as taking advantage of her, he may very well be doing just that. LH All good points Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Kgal, we won't bash you if you're very young and dating an older guy. I was just wondering if he is really divorced or perhaps married, but working in your city temporarily or something. Maybe going out with a divorced man with kids is not your "happiest deal" at such young age. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 25, 2005 Author Share Posted August 25, 2005 No.. I am 25, he is 38. Let me give you more background on my situation... We met online, my Mom freaked when I told her about him ( I was living at home at the time) this was over a year ago. Well.. anyways... my entire family had a problem w/him because... A) He was divorced w/5 kids... and B) The reason he got divorced was cuz he had cheated on his wife. Personally, those things didn't matter to me, cuz he had claimed how he had deeply felt sorry over what he did.. and has told me he would not cheat on me. So.. over time I "fell" for him.. so obviously I felt love for him despite his past. I moved out in May.. so we could be closer.. but I never told my folks about us.. cuz they did not approve and I didn't want to put them thru a huge ordeal.. nor did I feel like going through that entire emotional roller coaster w/them again! So I moved out.. and lived w/my Grandmother... My Mom and I have always been super close! I hated not being able to talk about the man I loved w/her.... so I ended up telling her about him. She didn't flip.. but was worried for my safety. Because we met online, and she had never met him herself.. she was worried he would hurt me... if not physically, emotionally. She claimed all he wanted from me was "sex" and if he cheated once.. he would cheat again, on me! I never told my G'ma about him.. cuz I knew she wouldn't approve if my parents didn't. So, while I stayed w/her.. I "snuck" around w/him. I really didn't want to.. we are both adults.. so I knew telling my fam. was the only way to break free from the sneaking part. All the things my fam. was saying against him really hurt me! After two months of being there w/Grandma... I came back here (to my house) cuz once my Dad found out, (Yep, my Mom told him!) he came to visit me. I had a new job lined up and everything... and I had planned to start working so I could finally start saving and live more independentally! My Dad came to visit.. but told me he didn't have the funds to get home. They've always managed their money incorrectly.. so I wasn't surprised that he didn't. It pissed me off that he didn't think ahead about having enough, though BEFORE he came! My Mom put money in MY account and talked me into coming back for A WEEK OR TWO to visit. I had to come back w/my Dad, quit my job!! because the money was in MY account.. and I had to be present for him to use my card. I didn't have much money myself while staying by myself the week my Gma went out of town.... my parents basically just didn't want me to starve and run out of gas money for work.. so coming home and postponing my job is what I ended up doing. Once I got home... things were fine for about a week.. then the entire fam. knew about this man I was seeing and loved. They were all mad and I wasn't allowed to use the PC to IM him or their cell phone to call.... (my cell phone bill hasn't been paid so they shut it off, due to my unemployment)... The more I think about it.. I get so mad! I feel like I should've just stayed back to where I moved to.. and not have come home. It does sound like a teenagers life, doesn't it!?! My bf even tells me that I'm treated that way! Sometimes I feel he's right... but what are my options? I can get a job here, save.. and then fly back! That's the only thing I can think of. I apologized to my bf for the other night, for hanging up on him. He hasn't talked to me since, though. Ugh.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 26, 2005 Author Share Posted August 26, 2005 Another thing... I don't want you all to get the wrong impression about my family. We are all very close knit.. always have been. I think that's why it's so hard to be able to pursue a man they feel isn't good enough for me. My bf had a vasectomy after his last child, from his previous marriage. The thought of me not being able to give my parents, grandkids.. has devistated them as well as my siblings. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Well your parents are basically right about him. You don't belong with a man who has one marriage behind and five kids... not behind but in front of him, waiting for him to raise them and support them. You are young and need someone who doesn't have so much baggage on his back. Besides, not having children because of your partner is self-destructive. Being a mother is one of the most beautiful things in the world. If you want true romantic, passionate, and unconditional love, have children and you will have that. Their love doesn't fade away, it grows with years. They are the best friends you can possibly have. Before I became a mother I didn't know this. Nobody ever told me how wonderful my children will make me feel. Regarding his infidelity, nobody can tell whether he will ever cheat again, but the fact that he made five kids and then cheated speaks of his irresponsibility. If his wife was so bad that he had to cheat on her then why did he have so many children with her? Mothers are usually right and know what's best for us. As far as your teenage treatment goes, your parents control your life because they basically support you financially. And because you probably act like one. You need to concentrate on becoming financially independent whether it means find a job or continue with your education or get some additional training. You have plenty of possibilities and in my opinion that should be your priority right now. When you become financially stable, you should concentrate on finding the right man and having kids. It sounds to me like that's what you would want in your life. By the way, why doesn't your guy help you financilaly? Is he poor on top of everything? Or is he unable to support you because he has 5 children? Is that really what you dream about in your life? If you let your life slip out of your hands, it can easily become total mess. You will never again be 25. Don't waste the best years on a man who is objectively not for you. Everyone should strive to take the best of life long-term, not what floats our boat at one moment. You can have it all or you can have nothing. It's up to you which path you will choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 26, 2005 Author Share Posted August 26, 2005 Record, You are right about some stuff... I do agree that at the moment... my parents are financially supporting me. I am in the midst of interviewing for a position right now.. so it won't be too long b4 I'm back on my feet financially. I however, do not think I act like a child over this matter. I am doing my part.. I believe I have sacrificed alot more than my bf, though. I understand he has a responsibility to support his children (the youngest being 8yrs.) he will be working for the next 10 years to support these kids, Im sure! I know what I would be getting myself into.. but the funny thing is.. I'm not scared or even worried. I love him.. so all that matters to me, is being able to see him and around him! He has little respect for my parents, because of the way they have treated me... He has offered to pay my way back to where I was staying... but I turned down the offer, at the time I had a way back.. but that foiled. I am hoping he'll offer again, lol... but he did offer to pay, just so you know. I know he has obligations.. which places him in the West coast at the time being. I would be sacrificing ALOT... so although I seem sure of alot, we are both "playin it out" and going w/the flow right now w/our 'ship. Gosh.. I'm lying! I sometimes just wish he would ask me to marry him so I would be able to get rid of my situation, I feel like I'm "stuck" in this situation that I can't get out of at the moment. I feel marriage would solve the problem.. I guess it is a bit rational to think he would even be at that place, which I feel he isn't yet. What I really have to do is talk to him and my family,,, figure out what the heck is going on in my life.. and get the ball rollin again! Thank you for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Originally posted by kgal I know what I would be getting myself into.. but the funny thing is.. I'm not scared or even worried. I love him.. so all that matters to me, is being able to see him and around him! He has little respect for my parents, because of the way they have treated me... No, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. When I married my ex-husband who had a daughter from his first marriage I wasn't scared and i loved him. His daughter lived with him because her mother died. However it was so hard for me to take care of his child and replace her mom (which he expected from me) that our marriage finally fell apart. I don't think he is thinking about getting married. He already has 5 children to support, he doesn't need a 6th one. He may string you along for years and not marry you. So you've decided to never have kids because of him? Is he that worthwhile? What's so good about him except that he's good in bed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 26, 2005 Author Share Posted August 26, 2005 "What's so good about him except that he's good in bed?" Wha!?!?! Okay.. that part is personal.. lol!! I have been thinking about stuff lately... how he hasn't replied to my text messages, calls or IM's. He is travelling , but thats' no excuse, he has his cell on him. The more I think about it.. the more it feels like he's not giving his all. If I were to compare his behavior now.. and a year ago... there would be a huge monumental difference. I may just be in denial.. he might be needing time from me... I just don't think that's good, though. It's hard to miss him, love him with all I've got... just to be treated this way. I've had a hard time dealing and next time we talk... we are going to talk about it. I have to know what is going on in his heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Kgal: I am not surprised that you are close with your family. THAT, in fact, is why they don't approve of your boyfriend . . . because they love you. They want the best for you. And like I said before, sometimes others can see things about the person we love, because we are looking through rose-colored glasses, family members see our prospective mates more objectively. Our family also hear and get a feel for things from our mates because they have an entirely different relationship with them. The mate isn't necessarily all lovey-dovey and trying to impress them (or pull the wool over their eyes). Do yourself a favor. Step back and try to see what your family sees in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 27, 2005 Author Share Posted August 27, 2005 Well.... being away from him has really given me more perspective.. and I haven't even heard from him in a while! He's been very selfish lately.. so I don't know what's going on w/us. Link to post Share on other sites
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