well here we are again..

[Underthepink]

Ugh. The last time I posted here I was in NC with AP,

Fast forward 10 months and we are more involved than before.

The duality of the situation is starting to wear on me, and his leaving to go home for the holidays has put me back in "what are you doing , this needs to end" mode. This is going nowhere and I need to retry NC , which I know will be a shock given the way we said good bye before he left and that he expects to see me upon his return but a part of me is saying "get out now this is going nowhere good for you". I should have just stayed strong the first time.

[Darien 76]

As difficult as it will be, your best course of action is to resume no contact and rebuild you life. Your AP is a cake eater and living a double life. If he wanted to make a future with you he wouldn't be handling things this way. You will continue to lose years of your life to this dead end relationship unless you end it. You have all the information that you need to make a smart decision. Now its on you to do it.

[burnt]

The last time I posted here I was in NC

 

This is going nowhere and I need to retry NC ,

 

I should have just stayed strong the first time.

 

The truth is, most of us (xOW) who suggest time and time again "go NC" to the ones who are still active in the affairs, do so because we have learned the hard way what staying in the affair does to us.

 

The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

 

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

 

For most of us, we knew cognitively that we had to stop MONTHS, often years before the actual end of the affair; but we usually get pulled back in by the woo of the MMs and we lack the power to put a complete stop ourselves by any will power.

 

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.

[Underthepink]

The truth is, most of us (xOW) who suggest time and time again "go NC" to the ones who are still active in the affairs, do so because we have learned the hard way what staying in the affair does to us.

 

The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

 

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

 

For most of us, we knew cognitively that we had to stop MONTHS, often years before the actual end of the affair; but we usually get pulled back in by the woo of the MMs and we lack the power to put a complete stop ourselves by any will power.

 

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.

 

I am hearing this whole heartedly.. I know I should end this now, but I'm struggling , it's worse now because we have become much closer and I know if I say I am ending it now he will be thrown for a total loop because everything was fantastic consistently for the last almost year but , I just guess having the space where I asked him not to contact me while he is spending Christmas with his family has really gotten me thinking but when he comes back on New Year's Day I don't know where I am going to be mentally .. how can I spend another year in this affair only growing more attached. There are so many people involved here who can get hurt, I need to put my feelings aside but I don't know if I am strong enough yet .. I mean what would I do .. would I say. Listen I'm ending it , for both of us. Or do I say nothing and then if I break again I would lose all respect for myself

[FMW]

Underthepink I have the same experience, over and over. The holidays are the worst, knowing he's with her and won't risk contacting me. My MM actually did text me on Christmas morning, I guess BW was otherwise occupied so he wouldn't be caught. I'm starting to get to the point that I almost hate seeing his name and picture pop up on my phone (while at the same time still feeling pathetically happy he is thinking about me) because after a few days without contact I start feeling stronger and think "maybe this is it", but then he reaches out and once again I'm back to "when will he contact me again". I'm smart and independent, but I act like a total fool when it comes to him.

 

Burnt - I was very interested in your comment that the depth of the pain of the affair eventually stops OW. Maybe that really is what will have to happen to me and Underthepink and others still in the grasp of the addiction. But it seems most of us have a huge tolerance for that pain.

[Underthepink]

Underthepink I have the same experience, over and over. The holidays are the worst, knowing he's with her and won't risk contacting me. My MM actually did text me on Christmas morning, I guess BW was otherwise occupied so he wouldn't be caught. I'm starting to get to the point that I almost hate seeing his name and picture pop up on my phone (while at the same time still feeling pathetically happy he is thinking about me) because after a few days without contact I start feeling stronger and think "maybe this is it", but then he reaches out and once again I'm back to "when will he contact me again". I'm smart and independent, but I act like a total fool when it comes to him.

 

Burnt - I was very interested in your comment that the depth of the pain of the affair eventually stops OW. Maybe that really is what will have to happen to me and Underthepink and others still in the grasp of the addiction. But it seems most of us have a huge tolerance for that pain.

 

The holidays are the worst. He sent me a msg Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and I didn't answer. I just was so ANGRY that after the whole year and everything that I risk , he couldn't risk it. It just burst my Affair bubble , which honestly I was becoming very comfortable in again. February will make year 3 ..we've become so close I don't know how to move forward from here and not talking to him for the last few days is breaking my heart..I am so angry I just want to slap him and myself. I honestly don't know what I am going to say when he returns but I knew this was the way it was... I'm not an idiot but I am feeling like one.

[spiderowl]

Maybe it's best not to let him return?

 

I can imagine that it is all too easy to fall into believing you are in a meaningful relationship with the guy, only to find the illusion falls down as he goes to spend important festive days with his wife. Yes, that would hurt.

 

You don't have to continue to be the 'hidden half'. You could give him an ultimatum: "If you want to be with me, then finish it with your wife." I don't think there is any point in that though as your withdrawing from him will be a way of getting that message across without having to verbalise it. You could also withdraw from this relationship. He cannot force you to stay in it can he?

 

Because a MM will go to a lot of trouble to get time with his mistress, it is easy to feel desired and wanted. It's a bit like a sugar high. You have the chocolate and it's wonderful for a while but then there is the crash and the realisation you have probably gained weight.

 

This guy has no reason to change what he is doing, none whatsoever. If he is forced into making a decision, he will probably go with what is comfortable and reliable, where he gets his food and shelter and where his children are take care of. Yes, he may agonise before making that choice, but not as much as you will when he makes it.

[FMW]

April will be three years for my A with MM. He's told me things he says he's never told other people, at times I've felt closer to him than any other person before. But he keeps choosing BW and their marriage, and NOT choosing me.

 

I've been miserable and it's taking an emotional and physical toll on me so I'm planning to start therapy in the next few weeks to find out what is keeping me in this. There's got to be something psychologically binding us to these men.

[Cali408]

It's all about the addiction. When one's an addict and has to break the cycle, the thought of going through with it is worse than the actual event itself. After a month, your brain quiets down and you feel like you're moving on a little.

 

The problem is, when you break it, you're more addicted than before. You and your lover tell each other how it's never been better as you're both in dual limerence.

 

It's your brain fooling yourself. Make up your mind that it's over. You're killing yourself by stressing yourself out emotionally.

 

I feel you, I've been there, and years later, there are days I want to sneak a peek and see what's gong on. I then get busy and tell myself, I've come way TOO far for a cheap thrill.

[Vivir]

He's told me things he says he's never told other people, at times I've felt closer to him than any other person before. But he keeps choosing BW and their marriage, and NOT choosing me.

I've been miserable and it's taking an emotional and physical toll on me...

 

Quite insightful, Finding my way. I agree wholeheartedly. Each day that he goes to their home, his actions say that he is choosing his betrayed wife and his marriage to her, that he is unwilling to give either of those up or change anything in a significant way.

 

And if you try to take you away from him, he will feel that he is being done wrong by you, like you can't change your mind about being an extra or want a better relationship... like you can't put an end to being repeatedly rejected... Be ready for that.

 

Reading here on LoveShack helped me to finally come to terms with the fact that HE was rejecting me by repeatedly leaving me to go home to her. I thought his many calls and long (though often trivial) conversations really meant something. Of course, these meant very little - in fact, they were likely designed as hooks to keep me interested and involved, considering... that every day he went home to someone else for whom he obviously wanted to keep happy (by keeping her in the dark) and share his life with.

 

The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

 

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

 

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.

 

I really love these words^ by burnt. I wish I could fully describe the weariness I began to feel for not being strong enough to end the affair, yet desperate for the dynamic to change. Eventually, this got to be so bad that I had been wearing my despair and other people began to see it on me. Things came to a head when his employment was terminated. The termination forced a separation. He hunkered down and focused on what were his actual priorities, and I did not fit anywhere on that list. I felt a type of survivor's guilt since I wasn't terminated (his termination had nothing at all to do with the affair, btw), and fell into an even deeper depression. But by the time he called me some 30 days later, I had become OK with the fact that it was finally over and we wouldn't be talking at all. When I told him that, he was quite shocked and none too pleased.

Edited December 29, 2017 by Vivir

[sandylee1]

How about saying "I'm fed up of sharing you with another woman"

 

Or that rather than waste your time..you want to be free to date and see/sleep with other men...the same way he is free to do with his wife.

[elaine567]

April will be three years for my A with MM. He's told me things he says he's never told other people, at times I've felt closer to him than any other person before. But he keeps choosing BW and their marriage, and NOT choosing me.

 

Confiding "secrets", finding commonalities, creating links, mirroring can all be signs of closeness, but are all also easily faked by manipulators, con artists, PUAs, players and dare I say it, MM.

Classic manipulation technique

All that "closeness" is designed to get what they want.

Women love all that emotional stuff, so is it any surprise that some men will use it to their advantage?

 

"Oh woe is me, my mother never really loved me, I have never told anyone that before but she didn't, she neglected me..."

"Oh dear, you poor thing..."

"I am sure a hug and a bit of fun would make me feel way better..."

 

So despite your MM apparently "choosing" YOU as being his special person, the one he is supposedly closest to, once back in the real world he forgets you and it is his wife who is then the really special one.

[Underthepink]

And then this morning I decided to log on to Facebook and stalk her page.. brilliant.. 8 months of not looking and now this downward spiral isn't going very well.

[Cali408]

And then this morning I decided to log on to Facebook and stalk her page.. brilliant.. 8 months of not looking and now this downward spiral isn't going very well.

 

Why? Why are you being so self destructive? Do you think this is going to make you feel any better? Why are you beating yourself up?

 

If you were watching of film of someone forcing you to go on her website, you'd be disgusted and look away.

 

Stop doing this to yourself

[Underthepink]

Why? Why are you being so self destructive? Do you think this is going to make you feel any better? Why are you beating yourself up?

 

If you were watching of film of someone forcing you to go on her website, you'd be disgusted and look away.

 

Stop doing this to yourself

 

It's almost like punishment,

 

I put myself in this position and for so long and future fantazing, thinking we had something special , and the scenario is so typical it is nauseating but for the last 3 days I have been obsessing.

 

I need to stop she's his wife, ..she I am sure thinks they are happy. I have been playing house with him while he is here and he is cake eating . I need to stop seeing him as this person who is in love with me and shares everything with me and as this woman who loves him and has a whole other life with him ..husband

 

I won't look anymore. I just felt like **** it, your down here in the gutter just roll in your filth.

[elaine567]

Keeping Yourself from Picking Your Scab

1. Cover it. Bandage it well. ...
   
2. Distract yourself. Keep your hands busy so they aren't picking at your scab. ...
   
3. Remind yourself not to pick at it. ...
   
4. Reward yourself for not picking your scab. ...
   
5. Make sure you don't have skin picking disease.
   

[Cali408]

It's almost like punishment,

 

I put myself in this position and for so long and future fantazing, thinking we had something special , and the scenario is so typical it is nauseating but for the last 3 days I have been obsessing.

 

I need to stop she's his wife, ..she I am sure thinks they are happy. I have been playing house with him while he is here and he is cake eating . I need to stop seeing him as this person who is in love with me and shares everything with me and as this woman who loves him and has a whole other life with him ..husband

 

I won't look anymore. I just felt like **** it, your down here in the gutter just roll in your filth.

 

What you have isn't special. It's a relationship thats foundation are lies and deceit.

 

The pity party ends now. Start your New Year's resolution 3 days early. By Monday, you'll have momentum. Don't contact, don't tell him it's over, just ghost him. Don't return calls, get off social media. Disappear. If you really want it to be over, this is what you have to do.

 

Sure, it's cold. But isn't it cold having sex with another woman's husband?

[FMW]

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it's just what I'm telling myself right now about my own situation, so maybe it will be helpful to you.

 

Underthepink, I do the same, but I'm starting to see it as working on my way out of this situation. If it's true what Burnt wrote, that the pain will eventually be what puts an end to it, then this is a way of speeding up that process and being able to move on.

 

I've been at times obsessively reading the posts here, paying special attention to the harsh brutal ones. I think driving that knife in is helping me distance myself. Avoiding the reality of MM's life with BW only helps you hang on to hope. Seeing the proof of their life together can help you accept the reality. No matter how much he loves you, he loves his life with her more. Otherwise he would be with you full time. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm not ready to end it yet but I hope that forcing myself to look at the brutal reality will get me there a little quicker. I want more, and as long as I hang on to him I won't get it.

 

Yes, he loves you. But what are his actions showing you? You deserve to be happy with someone for whom you are a priority and you won't find him while holding on to MM.

[BaileyB]

Its very clear that you know what you have to do...

 

Now, you just have to do it.

[darkbloom]

Being an OW is like being a doll in a box that only gets to come out for special occasions. When MM is done with you, he puts you back in your box on your shelf until he’s ready to play again. His wife doesn’t have a box or a shelf. Your time is spent thinking and obsessing when you’re going to get to come out of your box again.

[burnt]

So here are my thoughts/suggestions about your next steps:

 

I would advise you against ghosting him.

If you ghost him right now, then you are almost guaranteeing that he will be back. As you put it, things have been very pleasant, which means he will do absolutely everything to lure you back; all it will take is him sending a very 'caring', 'loving', and 'concerned' message like "I have been so worried about you that I cannot sleep. Are you ok? Talk to me.".

 

You will be back at his feet again--you know it. Even if he says something like "If you want to end things--I will respect that; I will always care about you and will wish you the best. I will continue to think of you."--The ugly thing about affairs is that it's words like these that actually will make you go back to him. Reading words like these will make your disoriented brain think that "he really does care about me and he is hurting."

 

The words that MMs use are almost universal--it's so painfully sad and horrifying.

 

So my suggestions to you are:

(1) Make a list of all the horrible pains YOU have been experiencing since the start of the affair. Do not make a list of the horrible things HE has done to you--your mind will want to fight you on that; you are still in love with him, so your own mind will defend him at any cost.

Read that list again and again to yourself. "Train" your brain to create an association between his name and the pain you are in. Over time, thought of the pain will make your brain want to detach yourself from him.

 

(2) Don't fight yourself when you want to check his wife's FB. The more you fight, the more you are deluding yourself in "keeping" him to yourself. He is and never was yours and will never be. Allow yourself to "see" that reality that he is actually so "happy" with his wife. It is ok that you feel the sting before you let go of him.

 

(3) Compose a "goodbye" message to send to him before the end of the year. After writing it, have a break and reread it a few times, do your crying, but make sure it says all it needs to say to cut the chord for good. Then send it to him, TELLING him it's THE end---not A end.

 

I would suggest that you do that before the end of the year--so that at least you can fake your mind to think the 2018, from Jan 1st is going to be a new start without your MM.

 

My suggestion for one thing you should include is:

Keep your focus on how much damage this affair has done to you.

How much pain it causes you to see him or hear from him every time. That each time when he comes back it only digs the knife deeper needs to be the focal point of your reason for a complete goodbye.

 

Request two things from him: (Make it sound that you are asking him for a favor):

 

(a) That he never ever, ever, ever contacts you again--no matter what happens, because it is YOU who suffers. So ask him to do it for YOU if he has any care for you. Ask him not even to reply to this last letter.

 

(b) Ask him that even if you become weak to make a contact to him at some point, that he doesn't respond--for YOUR sake so that you can heal.

 

The point is: while it will sound like you are begging to him, the truth is, put the responsibility on HIM to stay away. Don't worry about humiliating yourself at this point--you already have and will have to live with it for a while anyway.

 

• If he respects your request, then you will finally have the distance you need to start to heal.

 

• If he doesn't respect your request, then you will see first-hand how indifferent he really is to your welfare -- which by itself hopefully will help you emotionally detach from him.

[Underthepink]

So here are my thoughts/suggestions about your next steps:

 

I would advise you against ghosting him.

If you ghost him right now, then you are almost guaranteeing that he will be back. As you put it, things have been very pleasant, which means he will do absolutely everything to lure you back; all it will take is him sending a very 'caring', 'loving', and 'concerned' message like "I have been so worried about you that I cannot sleep. Are you ok? Talk to me.".

 

You will be back at his feet again--you know it. Even if he says something like "If you want to end things--I will respect that; I will always care about you and will wish you the best. I will continue to think of you."--The ugly thing about affairs is that it's words like these that actually will make you go back to him. Reading words like these will make your disoriented brain think that "he really does care about me and he is hurting."

 

The words that MMs use are almost universal--it's so painfully sad and horrifying.

 

So my suggestions to you are:

(1) Make a list of all the horrible pains YOU have been experiencing since the start of the affair. Do not make a list of the horrible things HE has done to you--your mind will want to fight you on that; you are still in love with him, so your own mind will defend him at any cost.

Read that list again and again to yourself. "Train" your brain to create an association between his name and the pain you are in. Over time, thought of the pain will make your brain want to detach yourself from him.

 

(2) Don't fight yourself when you want to check his wife's FB. The more you fight, the more you are deluding yourself in "keeping" him to yourself. He is and never was yours and will never be. Allow yourself to "see" that reality that he is actually so "happy" with his wife. It is ok that you feel the sting before you let go of him.

 

(3) Compose a "goodbye" message to send to him before the end of the year. After writing it, have a break and reread it a few times, do your crying, but make sure it says all it needs to say to cut the chord for good. Then send it to him, TELLING him it's THE end---not A end.

 

I would suggest that you do that before the end of the year--so that at least you can fake your mind to think the 2018, from Jan 1st is going to be a new start without your MM.

 

My suggestion for one thing you should include is:

Keep your focus on how much damage this affair has done to you.

How much pain it causes you to see him or hear from him every time. That each time when he comes back it only digs the knife deeper needs to be the focal point of your reason for a complete goodbye.

 

Request two things from him: (Make it sound that you are asking him for a favor):

 

(a) That he never ever, ever, ever contacts you again--no matter what happens, because it is YOU who suffers. So ask him to do it for YOU if he has any care for you. Ask him not even to reply to this last letter.

 

(b) Ask him that even if you become weak to make a contact to him at some point, that he doesn't respond--for YOUR sake so that you can heal.

 

The point is: while it will sound like you are begging to him, the truth is, put the responsibility on HIM to stay away. Don't worry about humiliating yourself at this point--you already have and will have to live with it for a while anyway.

 

• If he respects your request, then you will finally have the distance you need to start to heal.

 

• If he doesn't respect your request, then you will see first-hand how indifferent he really is to your welfare -- which by itself hopefully will help you emotionally detach from him.

 

Burnt : I am going to say this is the best course of action for me. If I ghost he's going to come looking for me at my restaurant. He's going to persist because he was Really happy before he left and we spent an intense month together, he was nervous to leave because he knows historically what being out of contact does it gives me a chance to think.

 

I really like the idea of putting some of the responsibilities to stay out of contact on him. The distance allows me to see it for what it is, it's his closeness and the chemistry that makes my judgment cloudy.

 

The bubble is very very strong when he's here because he's not going home to her every night and I have him to myself when he's here, I have a key and we spend pretty much 3 nights a week together. But the holidays slapped me back to reality in a big way. And I can't do this NC more than twice this HAS to be it.

 

I'm over the duplicity and the cake eating it's enough

[Poppy47]

Confiding "secrets", finding commonalities, creating links, mirroring can all be signs of closeness, but are all also easily faked by manipulators, con artists, PUAs, players and dare I say it, MM.

Classic manipulation technique

All that "closeness" is designed to get what they want.

Women love all that emotional stuff, so is it any surprise that some men will use it to their advantage?

 

"Oh woe is me, my mother never really loved me, I have never told anyone that before but she didn't, she neglected me..."

"Oh dear, you poor thing..."

"I am sure a hug and a bit of fun would make me feel way better..."

 

So despite your MM apparently "choosing" YOU as being his special person, the one he is supposedly closest to, once back in the real world he forgets you and it is his wife who is then the really special one.

 

Oh yes , a thousand times YES Elaine. xMM told me some outrageous secrets about himself. I will never know if they were true.

 

The most valuable thing I have learned from the A, is that a MM will go to any lengths to obtain and secure his outlet/supply.

 

xMM always arrived at my house with flowers, sent thousands of mushy emails, always sweet and loving. He was too good to be true.

 

I don't believe he was any closer to his wife than to me. I no longer believe he had the capacity to be close to anybody. He told me he would do anything his wife asked to earn BROWNIE POINTS. If he did everything her way, she would be happy for him to have some time out alone.

 

Narcissism comes to mind.... I have no expertise in that area but there was certainly a personality disorder going on.

 

I fell for all the mushy emotional stuff and he knew that it had been missing from my life for many years.

 

What is a PUA?

Poppy

[FMW]

PUA = Pick Up Artist

[eye of the storm]

Pink, my MM lived with me 5 days a week. We went on dates in public. We were a couple. Still didn't change things. When he moved and asked for a divorce, she said no and then moved in with him. Our plans, our routines, us....all gone. He chose her. Why doesn't matter in the least.

 

 

I know why. He tried explaining why. I even understand his reasons. But they don't matter. The only thing that matters is he chose to walk away from me.

 

 

Keep that in mind. He has not and will not choose you. Why doesn't matter.

 

 

The only thing that does matter is what are you choosing.

 

 

On a side note, I don't recommend you start dating for a bit. No human can compete with the fantasy you have built in your mind. And if you try, when they all fail to live up, you will use that as a reason to go back to him. Speaking from hard won experience on this one.