well here we are again..

[Underthepink]

Pink, my MM lived with me 5 days a week. We went on dates in public. We were a couple. Still didn't change things. When he moved and asked for a divorce, she said no and then moved in with him. Our plans, our routines, us....all gone. He chose her. Why doesn't matter in the least.

 

 

I know why. He tried explaining why. I even understand his reasons. But they don't matter. The only thing that matters is he chose to walk away from me.

 

 

Keep that in mind. He has not and will not choose you. Why doesn't matter.

 

 

The only thing that does matter is what are you choosing.

 

 

On a side note, I don't recommend you start dating for a bit. No human can compete with the fantasy you have built in your mind. And if you try, when they all fail to live up, you will use that as a reason to go back to him. Speaking from hard won experience on this one.

 

I just don't understand why they are so much better at putting us in the box, why can't I do that. Why can't I just move on or accept that I'm just a fantasy game. Why must there be this limbo , why must this break up not be like EVERY other break up. ?!

[BourneWicked]

Burnt! There is so very much good in your post.

 

 

all it will take is him sending a very 'caring', 'loving', and 'concerned' message like "I have been so worried about you that I cannot sleep. Are you ok? Talk to me."

 

'Oh my gosh yes! You've really missed me... I can just tell you about my feelings a little bit, just to get it off my chest, and then we'll go back to not speaking. Well... maybe we can just be friends. That ten seconds you spent texting me proves that you care.'

 

 

(2) Don't fight yourself when you want to check his wife's FB. The more you fight, the more you are deluding yourself in "keeping" him to yourself. He is and never was yours and will never be. Allow yourself to "see" that reality that he is actually so "happy" with his wife. It is ok that you feel the sting before you let go of him.

 

People advise against pain shopping, but I've found pain shopping valuable. In the bubble of work, he is mine. In reality, he doesn't belong to me at all. It's important for me to knife that bubble, because otherwise I just see the attention and sweetness when he's available to me.

[freengreen]

Unless you work against it with all your heart and mind, you wont reach the shore...

 

If you leave it for its course, the ‘flow’ will royally direct you over the cliff.

[treehugger12]

The new Year is approaching in just a few days, you need to first decide what your going to do with your marriage, that needs to be your first priority, you owe that to your husband. Unless you already have? I read your first thread 2/17 so I’m guessing your still married?

 

Your MM is a player, you are his side dish, you will never be first in his life, you will only be 2nd or 3rd, depending on how many side dishes he has?? You deserve better for yourself to be happy and if your not getting that at home, don’t settle for this loser MM, get divorced or sit and talk with your husband and lay it all out on the table, maybe MC, decide if you want to move forward with your marriage, make it your first priority, not this other MM, he doesnt deserve all the energy your giving him, your husband does regardless the outcome, he deserves to know the truth. Start the new year right.

Good luck to you

[sadgirl17]

The truth is, most of us (xOW) who suggest time and time again "go NC" to the ones who are still active in the affairs, do so because we have learned the hard way what staying in the affair does to us.

 

The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

 

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

 

For most of us, we knew cognitively that we had to stop MONTHS, often years before the actual end of the affair; but we usually get pulled back in by the woo of the MMs and we lack the power to put a complete stop ourselves by any will power.

 

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.

 

Thank you Burnt. This is so beautifully written. It's exactly what happened to me. It took me almost FOUR YEARS to get my head straight and see the situation for what it is. I guess the OP is still very much in affair fog and deep in the addiction. I'm now more than thrilled I finally reached the point where the pain is so deep I can't find the strength to start another cycle. Like most of the OWs here, I've done NC tons and tons of time over the past 4 years and he always reeled me back in with his sweet words and overly masterful manipulation tactics. I used to think in deep despair that I'd be the OW all my life. I still can't believe that now the spell has been finally broken. I truly feel like a prisoner being released.

 

To the OP, all I can say, from personal experience, is that never lose hope and belief in a better future for yourself. Though your mind may be tricked by the MM and the allure of the affair right now, if you're a normal person, one day you'll wake up from this nightmare. Don't beat up yourself. You're only human who makes mistakes. You'll reach a point, like me, where you'll naturally remove yourself from the sickness. No amount of will power or inner struggle needed. Everything will run its course if you let it. Good luck!

[Willow Woman]

It's all about the addiction. When one's an addict and has to break the cycle, the thought of going through with it is worse than the actual event itself. After a month, your brain quiets down and you feel like you're moving on a little.

 

Yes it is all about the addiction. A drug addict doesn't really want to be on the horrible drugs and we don't really want to be in a dead end relationship.

You have to go through the pain. It is horrible but trust me its worth it.

 

I have gone NC for 30 days (I called him at work) and it has been 2 months since he answered a text. My brain has quieted and it is beginning to feel good to not have the double life. I have reconnected with my H.

 

One thing that really helped was to focus my energy on other things than the A. I joined a recovery group and also reconnected with God. I am trying to forgive myself.

 

It can be done!

[Adoraxx]

The day will come where you simply can't take the pain and even more the DISTRESS anymore of not knowing when he's going to discard you again.

 

My A with xMM began in 2008 and over the years he devalued and discarded me so many times, that I've lost count. I always knew that he was going to end it again, I could FEEL it. It were the simple things that told me, like for example the xMM taking his time with responding, or writing curt messages, or maybe not signing off with the usual rows of xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Yes, even just 3 'xxx' told me that he was no longer that interested. (Sounds childish but believe me, it was true)

 

About a year ago, I moved (after he gave me silent treatment again for several months >> he was my neighbor) yet he continued to email me - discard me - email me again after a few months.......

 

Last September I had enough. I had kept my distance by not letting my emails sound too loving (more like 'just friends') but even that caused me lots of distress. I couldn't breathe anymore and then one day I was just so fed up & even panicking, that I decided to not ever write him back again. In the month before I took that decision I could tell that he was losing his interest again because I wouldn't dance to his music anymore....

 

Anyway, I simply stopped writing back (and this goes against who I am as a person because I would NEVER treat someone like this. It's cruel but it was the only thing I could do. After all, he never seemed to care much about saying 'goodbye' to me, he always just disappeared so I kept telling myself that he apparently doesn't care much about the politeness and respectfulness of saying goodbye).

 

In the month after I went NC, he sent me several emails.

* "Where are you?"

* "I'm worried."

* "Fine, maybe I'll hear from you again some day."

* "hello????"

etc

etc.

 

But like I said, I couldn't take the distress anymore and I stayed silent.

 

Three months later (this Christmas) he sent me 3 sad songs but I didn't respond to that either.

 

And it breaks my heart that it has to be like this. I miss him so much because I do love that man and I hate doing this to him but I couldn't take the pain anymore of not knowing when he was going to discard me again.

 

Also, I believe that if I would have sent him a 'goodbye' email, that he would have found a way to punish me somehow.

 

This article helped me a LOT: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-i-feel-guilty-about-the-no-contact-rule-is-it-morally-wrong-to-disregard-someone-without-explaination/

 

It helps of course that he (probably) won't come to my house because he was so disinterested in me that he never wrote down the address. He knows in what part of this town I live, so if he really wanted to find me, he could (I told him about this one landmark one day) , but I don't think he will come .

[Poppy47]

PUA = Pick Up Artist

 

Hahah. No wonder I got sucked in. Fancy not even knowing that.

 

Poppy

[Underthepink]

The day will come where you simply can't take the pain and even more the DISTRESS anymore of not knowing when he's going to discard you again.

 

My A with xMM began in 2008 and over the years he devalued and discarded me so many times, that I've lost count. I always knew that he was going to end it again, I could FEEL it. It were the simple things that told me, like for example the xMM taking his time with responding, or writing curt messages, or maybe not signing off with the usual rows of xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Yes, even just 3 'xxx' told me that he was no longer that interested. (Sounds childish but believe me, it was true)

 

About a year ago, I moved (after he gave me silent treatment again for several months >> he was my neighbor) yet he continued to email me - discard me - email me again after a few months.......

 

Last September I had enough. I had kept my distance by not letting my emails sound too loving (more like 'just friends') but even that caused me lots of distress. I couldn't breathe anymore and then one day I was just so fed up & even panicking, that I decided to not ever write him back again. In the month before I took that decision I could tell that he was losing his interest again because I wouldn't dance to his music anymore....

 

Anyway, I simply stopped writing back (and this goes against who I am as a person because I would NEVER treat someone like this. It's cruel but it was the only thing I could do. After all, he never seemed to care much about saying 'goodbye' to me, he always just disappeared so I kept telling myself that he apparently doesn't care much about the politeness and respectfulness of saying goodbye).

 

In the month after I went NC, he sent me several emails.

* "Where are you?"

* "I'm worried."

* "Fine, maybe I'll hear from you again some day."

* "hello????"

etc

etc.

 

But like I said, I couldn't take the distress anymore and I stayed silent.

 

Three months later (this Christmas) he sent me 3 sad songs but I didn't respond to that either.

 

And it breaks my heart that it has to be like this. I miss him so much because I do love that man and I hate doing this to him but I couldn't take the pain anymore of not knowing when he was going to discard me again.

 

Also, I believe that if I would have sent him a 'goodbye' email, that he would have found a way to punish me somehow.

 

This article helped me a LOT: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-i-feel-guilty-about-the-no-contact-rule-is-it-morally-wrong-to-disregard-someone-without-explaination/

 

It helps of course that he (probably) won't come to my house because he was so disinterested in me that he never wrote down the address. He knows in what part of this town I live, so if he really wanted to find me, he could (I told him about this one landmark one day) , but I don't think he will come .

 

I can say that I read into his msgs a lot as well , so I understand the distress part, I can honestly say I have never paid so much attention to the subtle nuances of someone's communication, ( mine is if he doesn't sign off with a heart Becsause I always send a 100%)

 

my issue is that he is persistent and does not let up , in fact he only seems to be getting More attached, I went away with some friends the other weekend ( he wanted to be in communication the whole time) and he changed his plans so he could be away same time as me so we wouldn't miss a weekend together.

 

This morning he sent a msg and it unnerved me . I had ignored the others ones this one was harder to ignore, it's harder to let him go because he's being so persistent , he can't wait to come back , he knows he shouldn't msg now he apologizes but he couldn't take it any longer... these are hooks for me . I responded and tried to keep it brief but it was a Struggle.

 

My problem is I know this needs to end it's just harder to end it now because he's not being distant , he's consistent and doesn't want it to end. I am the one who KNOWS it needs to end but is to weak to do it.

 

When he msged this morning although I was intially mad. ( I told him not to msg while home, he wasn't in agreement) My very next emotion was happiness the whole day was better. I got my bit of my drug.

 

Last night my mind was a little quieter being here helps , I'm not going to disappear again just because I am not quite there yet. I am going to end this . It's just training my brain, and being firm with my heart. I am working hard to make it to shore

[FMW]

Underthepink if you notice, you will see a pattern. The less responsive you are to his texts and attempts at contact the more effort he makes, the more 'love" he throws your way. He doesn't want you to give up on him.

 

But he's not willing to give up BW and their life together for you. Focus on that if you're serious about getting off the rollercoaster.

 

Again, just sharing more from my current journey in case you might find it useful. It's helping me start to distance myself little by little.

[Vivir]

One could also argue that, if you weren't totally in love with him you would see, he is busting your boundaries by doing exactly the opposite of what you ask him to do...

 

You go away with friends - he wants to stay in communication the entire weekend

 

You tell him not to call at certain times - he does it because he couldn't wait any longer

 

Because you love him, you will see it as "proof" of his feelings for you. I am glad you recognize them as hooks.

 

But I would hate for you to find out the hard way that instances like these are less about proof of deep feelings but more about proof of control.

 

I could be wrong, but his actions match the latter.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Adoraxx!!

 

Proud of you for staying strong!

Edited December 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Grey Cloud]

being an ow is like being a doll in a box that only gets to come out for special occasions. When mm is done with you, he puts you back in your box on your shelf until he’s ready to play again. His wife doesn’t have a box or a shelf. Your time is spent thinking and obsessing when you’re going to get to come out of your box again.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^ this!

[elaine567]

I can say that I read into his msgs a lot as well , so I understand the distress part, I can honestly say I have never paid so much attention to the subtle nuances of someone's communication, ( mine is if he doesn't sign off with a heart Becsause I always send a 100%)

 

That is because in a normal relationship that is going well you can relax.

He says what he means and means what he says.

He is hiding nothing so no need to over-analyse anything.

He does not play push/pull, hot/cold games because he is not trying to juggle two separate lives at the same time, nor does he dole out the silent treatment or go MIA.

No need to spend hours looking at the one text he sent and wondering over and over what he really means, if he is now actually in your bed, cooking you breakfast, walking the dog or watching a movie...

Life can actually be that simple.

Edited December 31, 2017 by elaine567

[darkbloom]

It probably doesn’t feel like you have all the power but you do.

 

You are free to walk away from this relationship with very little consequences. You are choosing to stick your hand on the stove over and over again to see if it’s hot and you keep getting burned. He has to constantly live a lie and spin webs of deceit to cover his tracks. Why would you want to be a part of that? You are putting yourself next to the stove. It’s never not going to burn you.

[Adoraxx]

Hi Adoraxx!!

 

Proud of you for staying strong!

 

Thank you Grey!!!! Hope all is well with you