How to move on when he is still sending signals

[Volleyballgirl]

I got involved in an affair with a coworker 2 years ago but unfortunately I am not fully "moved on". My husband found out and we went through a lot while trying to heal. We have been married for 6 years. The affair lasted several months. He was newly divorced with 2 kids. He was handsome, had a 6 pack... everyone wanted him at work. We started as friends, as the cliche goes. I got swept up by his flirting and good looks, although he was always making me feel like I wasnt good enough throughout it. I tried to break things off from the beginning, but he kept pulling me in. I told him to let me be so he could enjoy being single, but I couldn't break it off fully until dday.

 

By the end of it I felt I was head* over heels for this guy. The whole thing was such a rollarcoaster as I'm sure most affairs are. I am still recovering now and working on my self esteem. Obviously working on my Marriage and trying to figure out if I can fix my own problems that led to the affair. I was seriously considering being with

AP by the end of it. We spent so much time together, had great physical chemistry. I was planning on moving out of my house. My husband knew and we were making plans for it. I would listen to AP for hours and support him as he healed from his divorce. Then one day I needed his support and he was nowhere to be found. I think I am still bitter about that, although it is so stupid because he owed me nothing. He wasn't a real boyfriend. He was already having sex with another girl from work I found out when I took some days to go to my mom's funeral. *I feel like such an idiot for wasting my time and energy on him instead of my husband.

 

When my mother passed away very unexpectedly, AP was an *******. After a couple weeks he finally made time to see me and he was very cold. At that point I decided I'd never see him again. I think soon after he realized he had been a jerk and wanted me for real. I am thankful now that he behaved how he did because it helped me see past the "affair fog" and see how he reacted in a real lie problem. My husband was there for me and we decided to give our marriage another shot.*

 

During the initial period of no contact, I was weak a few times and fell back into chatting with him. I cut it off for good finally after he continued to be an *******... big surprise! Now it's been over a year of no contact.

 

The only thing keeping me tied to him now is that I can't help but look at his facebook page sometimes... which is BAD. I know. I had blocked him initially, which helped. I unblocked him one day put of curiosity* because I wanted to see if he had finally deleted his profile picture.

 

You see, he had changed his profile pic to one of a sunset we had watched together. Now I can see on his public* profile that he is still at it. He recently posted a photo of an ornament I made him hanging on his Christmas tree. He also posted a hand written note I wrote him saying happy thanksgiving. While he blocked my name, it makes me feel uneasy because obviously others could see my handwriting. My husband knows about the affair, so that's not the issue. I think the issue is my curious nature is what's keeping me hanging by this last thread which I know isn't fair to my husband.* I just want us both to move on fully, but it's hard when I know this guy is still messing with my my* head.

 

I am wondering.... should I contact AP and ask him to take it all down and give up ? (Which I already said when i initially broke it off.)* Or should I simply reblock him again and not give him the attention he is seeking from me? I know he wants any kind of contact from me based on the fact he is still posting posts directed at me. It is hard for me to not want to check his page... to see if it's down yet. Even though it's been about 14 months since I last talked to him, I feel like I can't totally move on when I still look at his page. My fear of reblocking him is that he will start to post more obvious things. At this point, I do have a new job in a new state so I guess it's okay if my mutual friends with him find out.* I am leaning towards just blocking and using self control to never peek again. Who knows what he will post but it will not be my problem. Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

Block him. Even if he's public he won't come up in your feed. You are too weak willed to not look so make yourself not look. Perhaps take a hiatus from FB altogether or only go on when your BS can see over your shoulder. This former AP isn't doing anything. He's not reaching out. You are the only one hanging on. You owe it to your husband to let go once & for all.

[Just a Guy]

Hi volleyballgirl, wasn't there an adage which went like this 'Curiosity killed the cat'? You are really not over the affair. Your AP or his memory still warm the cockles of your heart. I think it is very unfair on your husband for you to continue like this. For one, he has given you another chance at staying married to him and has shown you that he can be there for you when you need him while your playboy AP showed his true colours.

 

At present your husband is reposing his faith in you not knowing that you are secretly yearning for your AP and therefore betraying his trust by having an EA even if it is one sided and there is no physical or verbal contact. The very fact that you are asking whether you should speak or contact your AP on mail and tell him to stop posting memorabilia of your affair period on FB shows that you would succumb to him in a heartbeat. Once you do that he will know that he has you on the hook and he WILL reel you in. If you are so infatuated with your AP, be upfront with your husband and tell him that you are done with the marriage and go and be with your AP. If not then move heaven and earth to extinguish him from your mind and your life, commit to IC to find out where and what your weaknesses are and get on the road to healing yourself, your marriage and your husband. Do NOT take your husband or your marriage for granted. If you do you may find that he/it have evaporated. Warm wishes.

[whichwayisup]

This is your issue, not your exMM's issue. You can't control him or what he posts or what he still may or may not feel for you. BLOCK him and forget him.

 

You're bringing all this on yourself by lurking his page and by doing that he's in your head, stirring up feelings. This is not fair to your husband. The pain you saw his eyes when he found out about your affair should be enough for you to stop what you're doing now.

 

Heal and push forward. Who gives a crap what your exMM is doing, thinking, posting about. He isn't in your life anymore, NC is in place.

 

Focus on reconnecting with your husband, remember why you married him and chose him. I'm betting if he knew you were (and this is breaking NC, as NC also means No checking out online profiles and social media) looking at his facebook, he would be extremely hurt and disappointed in you and the progress already made.

 

What exMM does from now on is none of your concern or business.

 

If you contact him, might as well end your marriage. Your husband will lost trust in you again, so put him first and forget exMM. 14 months of NC is a big thing and contacting him over something you have no control over will ruin your marriage.

 

If your mutual friends find out, who cares? All that matters is what your husband thinks and feels. Focus on that.

Edited December 29, 2017 by whichwayisup

[dichotomy]

As a BH let me add how I see this.

 

You seem to be stuck.

 

AP - great body, chemistry (sex), passion, fun. Selfish - user.

 

DH - Reliable supportive.

 

I think you should leave both, since either one only provides "half a man" for your needs.

 

That or figure out a way to find chemistry and passion with your husband.

 

and yes you can block your affair partner and should.

[Bryanp]

Since the OM is such a player I do hope that you and your husband got tested for STD's.

I wonder if the roles were reversed if you would have been so accepting and forgiving as your husband has been?

[BaileyB]

Even though it's been about 14 months since I last talked to him, I feel like I can't totally move on when I still look at his page. My fear of reblocking him is that he will start to post more obvious.

 

You can't move on if you continue to stalk his social media.

 

Let's not pretend this has anything to do with him... because, it doesn't. This has everything to do with you and the fact that you want to continue contact with him, at least in some small way.

 

As such, who care what he posts on his page. If you are really done with this affair, it should not matter.

 

In other words, he can continue to float balls over the net, but if you are not receiving on the other side... then there is no game to be played. He will eventually go away.

Edited December 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[Be_Strong]

I feel like such an idiot for wasting my time and energy on him instead of my husband.

It’s telling that you don’t so much feel bad for having the affair in general, you feel bad because the AP wasn’t everything you wished him to be. In other words, if the AP wasn’t a jerk then you would have left your husband and the affair wouldn’t have been a waste of time.

 

After a year of no contact, the only reason your mind is still on the AP is because your relationship with your husband isn’t fulfilling. No woman thinks about an ex when they are head over heels in love with a new man that fills their thoughts. It’s only when the relationship begins to sour that the woman will start to think about the ex or other men.

 

You didn’t really provide a lot of details about your relationship with your husband or how the reconciliation has been going over the past year. Reconciliation will take longer than a year, so I don’t expect your relationship with your husband to be great at this point. But, the entire focus of your post is in the wrong place. You shouldn’t be worrying about what to do with respect to the AP, it should be what you should be doing with respect to the relationship with your husband. Are you wasting his and your time trying to make the marriage work? That’s the real question here.

[WilyWill]

Please divorce your husband so that he can find a woman who will love him and cherish him the way a good wife does.

[MJJean]

For all you know, he posted the pictures and the poem in a sophomoric attempt to make some woman jealous. After all, random women don't know those pictures are a year or more old. He blocked you, so clearly those postings aren't meant for you to see.

[NeoDude]

Your poor husband.

[Imajerk17]

I got involved in an affair with a coworker 2 years ago but unfortunately I am not fully "moved on". My husband found out and we went through a lot while trying to heal. We have been married for 6 years. The affair lasted several months. He was newly divorced with 2 kids. He was handsome, had a 6 pack... everyone wanted him at work. We started as friends, as the cliche goes. I got swept up by his flirting and good looks, although he was always making me feel like I wasnt good enough throughout it. I tried to break things off from the beginning, but he kept pulling me in. I told him to let me be so he could enjoy being single, but I couldn't break it off fully until dday.

 

By the end of it I felt I was head* over heels for this guy. The whole thing was such a rollarcoaster as I'm sure most affairs are. I am still recovering now and working on my self esteem. Obviously working on my Marriage and trying to figure out if I can fix my own problems that led to the affair. I was seriously considering being with

AP by the end of it. We spent so much time together, had great physical chemistry. I was planning on moving out of my house. My husband knew and we were making plans for it. I would listen to AP for hours and support him as he healed from his divorce. Then one day I needed his support and he was nowhere to be found. I think I am still bitter about that, although it is so stupid because he owed me nothing. He wasn't a real boyfriend. He was already having sex with another girl from work I found out when I took some days to go to my mom's funeral. *I feel like such an idiot for wasting my time and energy on him instead of my husband.

 

When my mother passed away very unexpectedly, AP was an *******. After a couple weeks he finally made time to see me and he was very cold. At that point I decided I'd never see him again. I think soon after he realized he had been a jerk and wanted me for real. I am thankful now that he behaved how he did because it helped me see past the "affair fog" and see how he reacted in a real lie problem. My husband was there for me and we decided to give our marriage another shot.*

 

During the initial period of no contact, I was weak a few times and fell back into chatting with him. I cut it off for good finally after he continued to be an *******... big surprise! Now it's been over a year of no contact.

 

The only thing keeping me tied to him now is that I can't help but look at his facebook page sometimes... which is BAD. I know. I had blocked him initially, which helped. I unblocked him one day put of curiosity* because I wanted to see if he had finally deleted his profile picture.

 

You see, he had changed his profile pic to one of a sunset we had watched together. Now I can see on his public* profile that he is still at it. He recently posted a photo of an ornament I made him hanging on his Christmas tree. He also posted a hand written note I wrote him saying happy thanksgiving. While he blocked my name, it makes me feel uneasy because obviously others could see my handwriting. My husband knows about the affair, so that's not the issue. I think the issue is my curious nature is what's keeping me hanging by this last thread which I know isn't fair to my husband.* I just want us both to move on fully, but it's hard when I know this guy is still messing with my my* head.

 

I am wondering.... should I contact AP and ask him to take it all down and give up ? (Which I already said when i initially broke it off.)* Or should I simply reblock him again and not give him the attention he is seeking from me? I know he wants any kind of contact from me based on the fact he is still posting posts directed at me. It is hard for me to not want to check his page... to see if it's down yet. Even though it's been about 14 months since I last talked to him, I feel like I can't totally move on when I still look at his page. My fear of reblocking him is that he will start to post more obvious things. At this point, I do have a new job in a new state so I guess it's okay if my mutual friends with him find out.* I am leaning towards just blocking and using self control to never peek again. Who knows what he will post but it will not be my problem. Any advice?

 

 

I always wonder why people in affairs say they have "low self-esteem". Maybe someone here can explain this to me. It seems to me to be more of the opposite, actually. I mean, at the end of the day you had the affair because you felt you were ENTITLED to **more than** you really were entitled to--namely you felt you were entitled to another man besides your husband!

 

You should not be relying on your AP to aid in the healing of you and your marriage. Setting the boundaries to protect yourself and your husband is (and was) YOUR job. And as far as your reputation--if others see his social media and figure out that you were cheating on him, well that's just what you deserve. So, YES, block him, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Meanwhile, I think you should divorce your husband. It sounds that he is clearly your Plan B--that you are with him only because Hot Guy was an azz when you needed him most. Let him (your husband) instead find a woman who loves him.

Edited December 29, 2017 by Imajerk17

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

During the initial period of no contact, I was weak a few times and fell back into chatting with him. I cut it off for good finally after he continued to be an *******... big surprise! Now it's been over a year of no contact.

 

The only thing keeping me tied to him now is that I can't help but look at his facebook page sometimes... which is BAD. I know. I had blocked him initially, which helped. I unblocked him one day put of curiosity* because I wanted to see if he had finally deleted his profile picture.

 

You see, he had changed his profile pic to one of a sunset we had watched together. Now I can see on his public* profile that he is still at it. He recently posted a photo of an ornament I made him hanging on his Christmas tree. He also posted a hand written note I wrote him saying happy thanksgiving. While he blocked my name, it makes me feel uneasy because obviously others could see my handwriting. My husband knows about the affair, so that's not the issue. I think the issue is my curious nature is what's keeping me hanging by this last thread which I know isn't fair to my husband.* I just want us both to move on fully, but it's hard when I know this guy is still messing with my my* head.

 

I am wondering.... should I contact AP and ask him to take it all down and give up ? (Which I already said when i initially broke it off.)* Or should I simply reblock him again and not give him the attention he is seeking from me? I know he wants any kind of contact from me based on the fact he is still posting posts directed at me. It is hard for me to not want to check his page... to see if it's down yet. Even though it's been about 14 months since I last talked to him, I feel like I can't totally move on when I still look at his page. My fear of reblocking him is that he will start to post more obvious things. At this point, I do have a new job in a new state so I guess it's okay if my mutual friends with him find out.* I am leaning towards just blocking and using self control to never peek again. Who knows what he will post but it will not be my problem. Any advice?

 

At first I was going to tell you that the profile picture of the sunset probably did not mean anything to him, that men are not like women with social media, but then I reread your paragraph about the posting of your note and ornament. I honestly think that is odd behavior - definitely for a man but also in general for either gender. It's either manipulative or stalkerish or just creepy. You say the guy treated you poorly - this is the real person. When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

You sound young. Often men regain interest in a woman when they are a challenge...but then lose interest when they are available. You don't want a man like that. I dated guys like that and it's a bad time. You have a husband, a family? you are an adult woman. Look at it differently. This is someone you don't want. He sounds childish and odd.

 

You most certainly should not contact him. That may be what he wants. Maybe he just wants the chance to then ignore you. Assuming you do not need to monitor the situation (ie he doesn't have pictures of you he could post does he?), I would either block him or if you don't, only post for friends to see content. You need to move on and focus on what you say you want- your husband and family.