Whats Marriage really like

[Mysterio]

For those of you that married. Whats the big difference between being married and when you were not. Even if you Co-habbed together.

 

This event in our understanding of like if so big that It got me thinking, does marriage make a difference between a man and a woman. Is it just a piece of paper.

 

I am 46 and I don't even know if the dynamic of marriage is for me. Then again. I don't like the lets be BF/GF for a long time as well. Yet when I think of a woman being my GF. I think we are going to have fun in our relationship. With Marriage. I think more of this regal sense of duty and more socital expectations. Add Kids in the mix as well.

[Nilfiry]

It depends mainly on the culture and how much of your lives did you already integrated prior to marriage. If we are talking about many of the norms in the U.S., you could pretty much do everything a normal married couple would do besides actually getting married, so when you actually do get married, it is literally just a status change.

 

On the other hand, you also have married couples that are relatively distant, and they do not really do much that would make you think they were married even though everything is A-OK.

 

For some, it gives them a sense of accomplishment that they sealed the deal and have crossed a threshold in life.

 

If you do not know what marriage will be like for you, you should get married and find out. It is not the same for everyone.

[dichotomy]

At 46 - if you are not going to have kids - I dont see the point. I also suspect unless your dating 30 year olds - your going to deal with divorced women with kids. Tough thing to be the new step daddy unless kids are out of the home.

 

Maybe in your late 50's or early 60's marriage can make sense - its nice to have a partner as things get challenging (health money) when your older.

 

Sorry to be a bit cynical but I have been married twice. Marriage ? Its alot of damn hard work and compromise. Monogamy and living with someone day in and day out - it often takes the shine off the passion and fun most of the time.

 

However to be fair ....if you got a good spouse then they are a life partner - someone who helps you cope with the difficulties life offers and to be a companion to enjoy the nicer things. Its a trade off in my mind - you loose somethings once she stops being your GF (usually sex goes way down) but you can gain somethings in return.

[basil67]

Four year marriage in my early 20's followed by twenty five year defacto relationship.

 

I'm so much more secure, content and happy in my defacto relationship than I ever was in my officially married one. So much so that I realised that *for me* marriage truly is only a bit of paper. Paper to get in and more paper to get out.

 

*disclaimer: I have full marriage rights as a defacto partner where I live. If I lived somewhere which didn't have those rights, I'd marry for financial reasons.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Four year marriage in my early 20's followed by twenty five year defacto relationship.

 

I'm so much more secure, content and happy in my defacto relationship than I ever was in my officially married one. So much so that I realised that *for me* marriage truly is only a bit of paper. Paper to get in and more paper to get out.

 

*disclaimer: I have full marriage rights as a defacto partner where I live. If I lived somewhere which didn't have those rights, I'd marry for financial reasons.

 

Australia truly is a great country.

[central]

We lived together for 7 years before marrying for pragmatic reasons. Marriage wasn't important to us aside from that. We'd both been married before; they were bad, sexless marriages, and the fact of being married made it difficult and costly to end them.

 

This time, it works. It would work even if we hadn't married; we'd still be together as there have been no reasons to want to leave. In our view (aside from some legal/financial benefits that can only be obtained by marrying), cohabitation is as good as or better than marriage. As good in every way when things are going reasonably well, and better if they aren't, because it's easier to leave. If you are committed to each other, you would only leave if things can't be resolved, and that's true whether or not you're married.

 

At this point, we're content being married, but there could eventually be legal/financial circumstances where we'd be better off if we divorced (e.g., a Medicaid divorce). We'd do so, yet we'd still stay together. We'll use the system, and try to avoid having the system abuse us.

[Mysterio]

I almost think like being married later in life is the best thing or over 30 at best. Early 20's. Unless you have no curiosty about the opposite sex and are fine with your partner. Its best to marry have kids late 20's.

 

My buddy S met his wife in high school and the married by 26/25. They are seperated and going into divorce now.

 

I am just probing conversation to see what everyone thinks. I guess I want moves I make romantically to go my way.

 

At 46. I just can't go in all blind. When does Marriage become obsolete. My God mother married in her early 20's. Got divorced at 40 and remarried at 50. She seems happier now.

 

I think that life has a pattern and if you listen to it. It can lead to happiness or sorrow. For me. Marriage to me still seems like I would want that. But as I am not a father as well at the moment. Due to age. Should Marriage be in my wheelhouse.

[kiss_andmakeup]

As a couple who lived together before marriage, and who does not have or plan to have children, I can tell you it doesn't really feel all that different.

 

The biggest difference is probably more in how other people regard you as a couple, which has been fascinating.

[Els]

We are getting married fairly soon, and have lived together for several years. While we don't personally view marriage as "just a piece of paper" (it has personal significance for us - committing to being together for life rather than just for the long term), I don't think it would make a huge difference in our everyday lives either.

 

Unlike in the US or some other countries where you are either single or married, where we live/lived cohabitating partners are recognized both legally and socially as partners, and have equal legal rights to married couples. I think this only makes sense - IMO de facto partners are very different from couples who are just dating, and much more similar to couples who are married. We have a joint bank account, jointly own most things, attend most social events and friends' meetups as a couple, our lives are intertwined with each other. In an everyday sense, not much will likely change after we marry.

 

I guess I view marriage as more of a "next stage in life" and a decision that you want to grow old together, rather than an indication (or dictation) of how things are in a relationship.

Edited December 29, 2017 by Elswyth

[carhill]

I think the bucket of spousal legal rights was probably the biggest deal that signature made in our jurisdiction. Socially, little difference. For myself, it was the first time I'd lived with anyone since I won't cohabit with anyone without being married. Day to day I found it to be very normal and comfortable and it sure cut down on driving since we lived an hour away from each other. No wow moments, any more so than in an unmarried relationship. Main difference came at the end, difference from regular breakups, in that it was expensive and time-consuming to unwind the partnership. ExW had done it twice before so it appeared easier for her.

 

Kinda weird typing this looking around at the big now empty house and reflecting on all the memories which occurred during that time. Was it worth it? IDK. Part of life I guess.

[alphamale]

nothing can prepare you for marriage or kids

[RecentChange]

We lived together 14 years before getting married.

 

Getting married really didn't change anything in any tangible way besides taxes, health insurance, and the giddy fun it was to say "hello my husband".

[Els]

We lived together 14 years before getting married.

 

Getting married really didn't change anything in any tangible way besides taxes, health insurance, and the giddy fun it was to say "hello my husband".

 

No differences in taxes and health insurance for us, but I admit the bolded will probably be fun!

 

NOT having to dig out all the documents needed for proof of de facto partnership would be nice, too.

[jjgitties]

At 46. I just can't go in all blind.

 

^^ This is the clincher right here. Sometimes getting into a marriage it's good to be a little blind and just jump. The more to over think and over analyze it, the more excuses and reasons you will find not to jump.

 

I have been married for a long time. If my marriage ever ends, I don't think I will be looking to get married again.

 

Why you want to get married so bad? It's not going to guarantee true love and happiness or endless amounts of sex. It will guarantee you have a life mate/life partner you are committed to and they should be to you. But maybe you can also achieve that in a relationship where marriage is not official.

[Aiuta le mani]

Hello friend!

My experience with marriage has been very positive! My wife and I got married in our early 20's and have been married for 15 years. We have two kids (9 and 7). We dated for 3 years, never lived together until we got married. We have a great friendship, open communication, an enjoyable sex life in both frequency and quality. I know this is gonna sound like therapy or a marriage book but the key to our success is transparency, we are clear and honest with each other all the time and our marriage is not boring or awkward. We spend a whole year of our time dating taking about everything that was important to us and finding out what we had in common and if we could live with the differences. Dating time was great and marriage has been even better! I highly recommend it if you are looking for emotional intimacy and closeness of heart way beyond the physical relationship.

[Cullenbohannon]

I came to the forum asking the same question. TBH some of the post could scare a man from marriage permanently. However this is not real life. I am the same age and my fiancee is a little younger. My goals in life have pretty much been achieved. My child's is in college (100% paid for) I have no debt, a decent amount of savings and a great job. Finding a woman, let alone marriage was the furthest thing from my mind a year ago.

 

I met a friend of a good friend at a party one Friday night and started to pursue. I had no clue that I had been "stalked" for a year. With the assistance of my best womanfreind, she set the whole thing up and Presto, life changed instantly. We spent the entire weekend together and that was all she wrote.

 

I have no doubt that she wants the forever with me. She has her own money and the last of her children will leave for college next year. She told me she wanted me for love and love only. That was enough for me, so i bought the ring.

 

The forum has very few good stories of marriage, but it has opened up communication between us. We dont worry about infidelity, but the thread about sexless marriage due to health issues are her concern. Ovarian and breast cancer are common in her family tree. Our toughest conversation is her desire to have 1 more child. I could go either way, but the thought of her passing early gives me nightmares.

 

Love and marriage, later in life can be the best thing ever. But it has the pitfalls that age inflicts upon all of us. Life doesn't last forever You might as well enjoy every second that you have.

 

Curtain call for Cat and Cullen.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I just had breakfast with my good friend who got married a couple months ago for the first time at age 46. She said, "I still can't believe I'm married." I told her I couldn't either, and actually kept "forgetting." She said, "It doesn't feel much different except now I'm living with a boy!" I think for her the biggest adjustment is just being with another person so much since they did not live together beforehand.

[SammySammy]

The first part of my marriage was good. A continued honeymoon. Then the baby came. We didn’t handle the change in our lives well. The additional responsibilities, demands, and pressures.

 

I think most people can handle the good times.

 

The challenge of marriage is handling the difficult times. Those transitional periods. Managing conflict and disagreements. If you can navigate those things and keep a strong and respectful bond, then I think you can have a good marriage.

[TrustedthenBusted]

The only difference between marriage and a LTR ( assuming everything else is similar - merged finances, expectation of fidelity, etc ) is that marriage is legally harder and more expensive to get out of when it hits the fan.

 

That's it.

 

The other stuff is just emtional hoo-hah that we pick up through life. Mostly it's women who believe marriage is supposed to "fix" something.

[Popsicle]

In normal drama-less marriages, there is a lot of security in them. Security that someone is always there and a myriad of other security attributes. The security is one of the best things about marriage.

[basil67]

In normal drama-less marriages, there is a lot of security in them. Security that someone is always there and a myriad of other security attributes. The security is one of the best things about marriage.

 

Which really brings us back to the origins of marriage. Not love, but security. She gets a roof over her head and support to raise the children. He gets someone who will take care of the domestic work in return.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Coming originally from a pessimist view of relationships in general, I had a mantra of "No wife, no kids, no problems".

I had strung along many girls in dating but no commitments made. Women hated the fact that I could detach so easily. But by mid 20s and on, it was a single mother's party. And I wanted no part of that.

By 30 I had a big change in my life that is really personal. I have eluded to it in posts prior in other threads but safe to say, I had the one...

One woman who stood by me when everyone else jumped ship. That woman was a girlfriend at the time and I decided I didn't want her to find someone else! So at 30 I had built a house, got married and had a kid in short order. And some of you talk about pressure. lol

To me, marriage is a religious and spiritual aspect of 2 becoming 1 under God. Regardless if it was in a church or in a court house, vegas chapel or otherwise. You made the commitment till death do you part. To go through the challenges in life together as one with family, community and spirit. I take it seriously as if something happens to my marriage, that will be it. I'm a one and done guy. I will have tried to make the impossible possible. But I would have failed.

In my faith aspect, that means I no longer receive communion, and I no longer seek out another life partner. One man, one woman, one marriage. That's it.

The beauty of it is that I find my wife the center of my being. My kids are my heroes. And together, life is just amazing. I love being centered. I love the idea that our commitment has stronger ties than most. And is a challenge readily accepted. While outside forces and society battle against this daily, sometimes the fear level is through the roof. But I am truly alive and present through the hard times and good. I guess thats why I'm here at LS....Hoping to learn from others and relate and understand myself better.

[TrustedthenBusted]

In normal drama-less marriages, there is a lot of security in them. Security that someone is always there and a myriad of other security attributes. The security is one of the best things about marriage.

 

 

The perception of security, you mean. I submit that all else being equal, there is no more security with marriage, than with a solid long term relationship.

[Cullenbohannon]

One man, one woman, one marriage. That's it.

The beauty of it is that I find my wife the center of my being. My kids are my heroes. And together, life is just amazing. I love being centered. I love the idea that our commitment has stronger ties than most. And is a challenge readily accepted. While outside forces and society battle against this daily, sometimes the fear level is through the roof. But I am truly alive and present through the hard times and good.

 

The proverbial needle in the haystack. There is life. Blessings in the New Year to you and yours.

[wmacbride]

My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years now, and it is a first marriage for both of us. We got "engaged" after knowing each other a couple of days ( we had a long engagement), and three kids, I don't know how many homes and many moves later, I can honestly say it has had its ups and downs.

 

I am only speaking for myself ( others may feel differently) but to me, getting married was the ultimate form of commitment I could make to another person, beyond choosing to be a parent. We lived together for a bit over a year before we married, and to me, the differences aren't easy to put into words,but they are there. It meant that I wanted to share my life with him in the foulest sense of the word, and the 'for better or worse" part of our ceremony was very important to me.

 

Where I live, couples can be considered "common law" spouses, and have most of the same rights and tax breaks as a married couple. In my point of view, marriage should never be something that someone walks into lightly or does for any other reason than they are fully ready to commit to another person. Divorce is so far down on my radar hat it is barely even an option ( except for one time, and even then, it would only have happened as a last resort) and I have never regretted my choice.

 

I'm not trying to paint our picture as all roses and sunshine, as there have been times where it was anything but. There have been times when, for five cents, I could have throttled him, and I expect he feels the same about me. I honestly can't put my finger on exactly why we work ( I leave that side of life for those more philosophical than I) but we do.

 

In the end, I guess that's what really matters.