Whats Marriage really like

[Trail Blazer]

Coming originally from a pessimist view of relationships in general, I had a mantra of "No wife, no kids, no problems".

I had strung along many girls in dating but no commitments made. Women hated the fact that I could detach so easily. But by mid 20s and on, it was a single mother's party. And I wanted no part of that.

By 30 I had a big change in my life that is really personal. I have eluded to it in posts prior in other threads but safe to say, I had the one...

One woman who stood by me when everyone else jumped ship. That woman was a girlfriend at the time and I decided I didn't want her to find someone else! So at 30 I had built a house, got married and had a kid in short order. And some of you talk about pressure. lol

To me, marriage is a religious and spiritual aspect of 2 becoming 1 under God. Regardless if it was in a church or in a court house, vegas chapel or otherwise. You made the commitment till death do you part. To go through the challenges in life together as one with family, community and spirit. I take it seriously as if something happens to my marriage, that will be it. I'm a one and done guy. I will have tried to make the impossible possible. But I would have failed.

In my faith aspect, that means I no longer receive communion, and I no longer seek out another life partner. One man, one woman, one marriage. That's it.

The beauty of it is that I find my wife the center of my being. My kids are my heroes. And together, life is just amazing. I love being centered. I love the idea that our commitment has stronger ties than most. And is a challenge readily accepted. While outside forces and society battle against this daily, sometimes the fear level is through the roof. But I am truly alive and present through the hard times and good. I guess thats why I'm here at LS....Hoping to learn from others and relate and understand myself better.

 

I was the exact opposite to you. I never thought about things, I always backed myself to handle any situation, I always thought that marriage and life in general would be a piece of cake. I grew up in an only child household with a single mom. My dad left when I was 3 and returned to his country of origin before returning with his new wife and settling in California 4 years later. I only saw him on summer break for a week or 2.

 

My mom was ultra cautious after being burnt by my dad. She never remarried, never met another guy while I was growing up, she never really did anything. She paid a mortage on a shoe string budget. I found life growing up boring and a little frustrating. My mom tried, but with little guidance and no male role model, I pretty much did as I pleased.

 

Decision making wasn't my strong point. Which is why I jumped into anything, left my home state when I was 20 and, 4 years and 1 kid later, I was married. Had another kid straight after, so that was 4 kids all up including hers. She was earning really good money, but then things went wrong, communication broke down, we both changed and had different perspectives on things. As of a week ago, we are now separated.

 

I'd say that marriage sucks. But I'd only be saying it from my perspective. If it's done right, it has the potential to be awesome. But really, what difference is it compared to living long term unmarried? Sure, if you're religious then that aspect may be important. I'm an atheist so there's no religious aspect for me to worry about. Marriage only exposes me to being ripped apart finacially when it goes wrong.

 

At this stage in life I cannot see myself getting married again. I don't want to get married and see it of little benefit. I'm not stupid enough to think that I will feel this way forever though. At some point down the track, years after my divorce is finalized, I'll meet someone else when I'm not looking and where I least expect to, and I'll have some tough decisions to make. Lose the person you love because you won't wed them. Or wed them and risk losing everything else.

 

I'll need years before I'm ready to recommit. At 33 I'm going to spend my money on my hobbies, working on/building cars, my 2 kids and saving for a house. Women? I'll be ultra cautious. Lying and stringing people along isn't my thing - I don't think my conscience would allow me to have a sexual relationship with someone who wants more. Perhaps for a short period of time? Who knows... maybe I'll become so jaded I won't care and I'll just use people for my own gain. I don't know, but 2018 will be a watershed year for me.

Edited January 5, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[dichotomy]

The perception of security, you mean. I submit that all else being equal, there is no more security with marriage, than with a solid long term relationship.

 

 

I will skip the rewards of having kids (a big reason for marriage) and talk about this =

 

Security + comfort

 

I have had two very difficult marriages (low sex and infidelity have damaged things), but I will promote that for me now (in this second marriage) there is mutual security and some comfort. Economically its challenging these days - two incomes and resources (health insurance and benefits) make life more secure and comfortable. This is even more so in supporting our kids with their economic needs (school, medical, activities). Extend this to retirement (about 10-15 years away for us) and two incomes and mutual support and security is a nice thing to have being married.

 

Both my wife and I have moderate (but not severe) health issues - and now the normal aches and pains and issues that start showing up at 50 ish. Someone to help with the kids, home, food, when your sick, or even the occasional overnight at a hospital its nice to have the security and comfort that comes with our marriage.

 

Also while we have some differences in life style (i am more physically active) - we enjoy generally similar things - food, TV/Movies, vacations, politics, and general conversations. So its nice not to be sitting alone - and to enjoy some companionship.

 

I know this sounds all very "practical" and passion less (I miss good sex), but its a tough world and hard life at times.... and having a committed legal partner to create and maintain and support a place of comfort and security is not a bad thing about marriage..... for me.

 

 

P.S.

 

But to each their own - I have a female married friend who has had money problems - near poverty issues for 15 years with her husband. Her husband also has drinking problems (recently spend 30 days in jail), and their home is falling a part, their one car sometimes does not run - but they have a deeply connected and passionate love (lots of sex and emotional bonds and honesty). We talked and neither of us would trade for the others situation.

Edited January 5, 2018 by dichotomy