Any other child-free-by-choice married/partnered couples on LS?

[kiss_andmakeup]

(mods, feel free to move this if you feel it belongs in a different section; I wasn't sure where exactly to place it)

 

I don't see a ton of threads about this topic here on LS (granted, I'm not nearly as active on here anymore as I once was). I am curious to hear from any other couples - either married or in a committed long-term partnership - who have chosen not to have children.

 

How old are you and your partner, and how long have you been together? What led you both to choose a child-free life? What have your experiences been regarding reactions and acceptance from family, friends, and society at large? What are your reflections thus far, and your regrets, if any?

 

I am not interested in being shamed, criticized or "persuaded," so if this thread does not apply to you, feel free to move along.

Edited December 29, 2017 by kiss_andmakeup

[stillafool]

My husband and I are child free and very happy. We've been married 22 years. We're both older but people still ask why we didn't have children. We just tell them we never wanted them. They look puzzled but neither of us care what other people think. We just live our lives the way we want.

Edited December 29, 2017 by stillafool

[kiss_andmakeup]

My husband and I are child free and very happy. We've been married 22 years. We're both older but people still ask why we didn't have children. We just tell them we never wanted them. They look puzzled but neither of us care what other people think. We just live our lives the way we want.

 

Thank you for replying! I especially love hearing from older couples who are CF because sadly I don't know very many in real life. Thanks for sharing.

[RecentChange]

Yes!!! Here!

 

I am 39 and my husband is 37. We have been together a little over 16 years, and married just two years ago (been cohabitating since 6 months after we met).

 

I have always known I didn't want children. I knew it when I was a kid myself and always refused to be "mom" when we played house etc. My dad likes to recount when I was 10 I declared that I would never have kids but I would have a horse (I now have a horse).

 

So with this is mind, I have always been very up front about not having kids. I always brought it up early when seeing a guy, if for nothing else as part of the birth control discussion which is needed before you have sex.

 

So when I met my now husband - I told him I never want kids (I know this was a deal killer with other guys). He said he was on the same page.

 

Interestingly, now that they are all in their mid-late 30's none of his siblings have kids either. They had a pretty terrible home life, and the whole parenting thing isn't appealing to them.

 

Never got any pressure from my family or his to have kids. I live in a progressive area, it's not seen as a big deal. There are many childfree couples in this region.

 

When I was younger there were some "oh you will change your mind" comments but they have faded.

 

No regrets so far! I love our lifestyle, the couple's we know with kids often jokingly say how jealous they are of our date nights, our weekend trips, our fun hobbies, our spare money. I know they wouldn't trade their kids for all of that... But I love my freedom, and have ZERO desire for children of my own (the idea is rather repulsive to me)

[kiss_andmakeup]

Yes!!! Here!

 

I am 39 and my husband is 37. We have been together a little over 16 years, and married just two years ago (been cohabitating since 6 months after we met).

 

I have always known I didn't want children. I knew it when I was a kid myself and always refused to be "mom" when we played house etc. My dad likes to recount when I was 10 I declared that I would never have kids but I would have a horse (I now have a horse).

 

So with this is mind, I have always been very up front about not having kids. I always brought it up early when seeing a guy, if for nothing else as part of the birth control discussion which is needed before you have sex.

 

So when I met my now husband - I told him I never want kids (I know this was a deal killer with other guys). He said he was on the same page.

 

Interestingly, now that they are all in their mid-late 30's none of his siblings have kids either. They had a pretty terrible home life, and the whole parenting thing isn't appealing to them.

 

Never got any pressure from my family or his to have kids. I live in a progressive area, it's not seen as a big deal. There are many childfree couples in this region.

 

When I was younger there were some "oh you will change your mind" comments but they have faded.

 

No regrets so far! I love our lifestyle, the couple's we know with kids often jokingly say how jealous they are of our date nights, our weekend trips, our fun hobbies, our spare money. I know they wouldn't trade their kids for all of that... But I love my freedom, and have ZERO desire for children of my own (the idea is rather repulsive to me)

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I am 30 (husband is 37) and I often remark that I wonder when the "when will you have kids?" questions will finally die down.

 

I have never had a natural, intrinsic desire to be a mother, and the state of the world has deterred me even further. I used to assume that I would warm to the idea as I grew older, but I've found it to be the exact opposite. As the years go by, the idea repels me more and more.

 

Unfortunately I do not live in a progressive area, and while it's not the deep south, the mid-west has some extremely traditional cultural pockets, and I find myself feeling like quite the fish out of water. We don't plan to relocate as we like the area - H loves his job, and our families are here, but at times I do wonder if I'd feel more at home in a coastal area.

[BettyDraper]

(mods, feel free to move this if you feel it belongs in a different section; I wasn't sure where exactly to place it)

 

I don't see a ton of threads about this topic here on LS (granted, I'm not nearly as active on here anymore as I once was). I am curious to hear from any other couples - either married or in a committed long-term partnership - who have chosen not to have children.

 

How old are you and your partner, and how long have you been together? What led you both to choose a child-free life? What have your experiences been regarding reactions and acceptance from family, friends, and society at large? What are your reflections thus far, and your regrets, if any?

 

I am not interested in being shamed, criticized or "persuaded," so if this thread does not apply to you, feel free to move along.

 

I'm in my mid thirties. My husband will be 44 soon.

 

Both of us have crazy mothers who hated parenting so I'm sure that colored our perceptions. I have worked extensively with children and that showed me that I am not cut out for motherhood. We love our freedom and disposable income. I also hate the way children steal time from a couple and often severely compromise a sexual relationship. Pregnancy and childbirth horrify me. I'm not interested in enduring either of those processes.

 

Many people have made insulting remarks about my choice. I've ended friendships because my former friends wouldn't stop taking shots at me for being childfree. My mother is very unhappy with my decision as well. Making a controversial decision is not for the faint of heart.

 

So far, I have no regrets. I feel like being childfree makes our marriage happier and more exciting. We love to spoil the kids in our lives and hand them back.

[submart]

Another child-free couple here.

 

I am 34 and my husband is 37. We have been married for one and half years. and together for just under four years. We have decided not to have children. No desire. It's expensive. It's time consuming. And we rather do other things.

 

I tell people that we are not having children. Most people follow up with:

1. People are having children later and later now days.

2. You still have a couple years left if you hurry.

3. You are missing out.

4. Just have one.

 

Rarely do I hear something else. But when I do it's usually from people saying lucky; you will save a bunch of money; I wish I thought about it, etc.

[lana-banana]

Both 31 and just married, but kids aren't happening. This is increasingly common in our social circles (urban homeowner couples) but I am struck by how many people seem to think kids are an inevitability. "So when are you starting a family?" people ask with the same tone of voice they might ask about replacing an old car. It blows my mind.

 

I used to be somewhat on the fence but every day pushes me even harder against the idea. I have nothing but respect for my friends who are parents, and my sister just gave birth, but it's not the right choice for us. We're extremely happy to be DINKs, thanks!

[FilterCoffee]

Hi kiss_andmakeup,

 

I am not married and neither do I have kids. But I have a married cousin who is 40 and she has always been clear about not wanting to have kids. I come from India and in our culture, it's just assumed that kids will follow after marriage. For years people thought that she would change her mind but that didn't happen and she married a guy who also didn't want kids. Eventually the questions stopped and my relatives found other people bug.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, am married and a grandfather. As the saying goes "One man's meat is another man's poison"! To each his/ her own. In fact the way you guys are contributing to population control in this over populated planet of ours is remarkable and very unselfish.

 

As far as I and my wife were concerned, we almost remained childless as, for some reason or another my wife was not conceiving. Our visits to the doctor indicated all systems were go and yet nothing was happening and we had resigned ourselves to a childless existence. I'd like to say that neither of us was desperate to have children. We left it to the Master of ceremonies to decide our fate with the only contributing factor being that we did not use protection or BC pills. After four years of marriage and when my wife was 32 our son was conceived and after that, although we were ambivalent, no more kids decided to come our way. I guess it was for the best.

 

The way I see it is that whether one believes in a higher intelligence or not, the desire to have or not to have kids is programmed into us by nature and we dignify that fact by making it seem that we are using our free will to make a decision that was already a foregone conclusion. Some people desperately want to have kids and Nature makes it impossible to fulfill that desire( at least of having their own ones) by putting dome impediment like infertility or ovarian cysts or whatever in their path. Many such choose to adopt kids. Others go through agonizing procedures like IVF and so on. It all comes down to the simple fact that if you were meant to have kids you would and if not then you wouldn't. Warm wishes.

[d0nnivain]

DH & I married later in life; I was over 40. I never wanted to have kids out of wedlock. By the time we married, it was not really in my hands any more. I was never chomping at the bit to have kids. I would have been OK if it had happened. I'm a little sad at times that I don't have kids but on balance I know we have a lot of opportunities that would not be available if we had kids. I do feel like I got some of my childhood & college friends "back" now that their kids are out of the house.

 

I'm currently at my college roommate's house. She & her husband have been married for 26 years & no kids. They dote on their cats, travel & live a lavish lifestyle.

 

Own your choice & if somebody gives you grief about it, tell 'em where to get off.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Hi Folks, am married and a grandfather. As the saying goes "One man's meat is another man's poison"! To each his/ her own. In fact the way you guys are contributing to population control in this over populated planet of ours is remarkable and very unselfish.

 

As far as I and my wife were concerned, we almost remained childless as, for some reason or another my wife was not conceiving. Our visits to the doctor indicated all systems were go and yet nothing was happening and we had resigned ourselves to a childless existence. I'd like to say that neither of us was desperate to have children. We left it to the Master of ceremonies to decide our fate with the only contributing factor being that we did not use protection or BC pills. After four years of marriage and when my wife was 32 our son was conceived and after that, although we were ambivalent, no more kids decided to come our way. I guess it was for the best.

 

The way I see it is that whether one believes in a higher intelligence or not, the desire to have or not to have kids is programmed into us by nature and we dignify that fact by making it seem that we are using our free will to make a decision that was already a foregone conclusion. Some people desperately want to have kids and Nature makes it impossible to fulfill that desire( at least of having their own ones) by putting dome impediment like infertility or ovarian cysts or whatever in their path. Many such choose to adopt kids. Others go through agonizing procedures like IVF and so on. It all comes down to the simple fact that if you were meant to have kids you would and if not then you wouldn't. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective, and for being so accepting of paths that are dissimilar from your own! The world could benefit from more people like you.

[Clockwork]

Hi Folks, am married and a grandfather. As the saying goes "One man's meat is another man's poison"! To each his/ her own. In fact the way you guys are contributing to population control in this over populated planet of ours is remarkable and very unselfish.

 

 

 

 

I just thought I would point out that population control is an evil that you do NOT want to ever hear a politician mention and that over population has been a lie from the pit of hell from day one. The world, especially the western world is dying. The world's population will peak by 2030 and then start dropping quite fast once the baby boomers die off because they are the last generation that was over the 2.1 replacement threshold. Even the overall world birthrate is only 2.4 and the countries that are the ones having lots of kids are poorer countries with less food, higher infant mortality rates, famine, war, bad medicine, etc. So all the children aren't surviving anyway. Developed countries are the ones with no kids anymore. Asia is awful this way. Europe too, which explains the poor economics there today. North America is about 1.7, and has been for 4 decades, so we will soon start dropping too.

 

 

If you don't want kids, it is your choice, but I do hope no one here has had the wool pulled over their eyes that they are making this choice as a favour to the rest of the world, because it isn't, that's been a lie. Do it because you just don't want kids, not because you think the world will over populate.

[Just a Guy]

Hi clockwork, I am not a politician and I have no agenda one way or the other. I come from a nation where the population is exploding and the natural resources to feed, clothe and house human beings is under tremendous strain. Water is becoming a big problem as more and more people are depending on the same quantum that supported a much smaller population. While you are right in that there is a significantly high mortality rate among new born children, because of advances in modern medicine and an increasing awareness among the poorer sections of society here, mortality rate have been and are continuously being reduced further, albeit not eliminated completely.

 

Thankfully, due to rising aspirations , an increased awareness and a greater number of people rising through the ranks of the poor and destitute, even those who are considered underprivileged are limiting the number of children they have to two or at most three. Among the more affluent the norm is now settling at one. I think there is a natural instinct in humans to continue their lineage and pass on their genes to a younger generation. Where I live there is also a great desire on the part of people to have a son to carry on the name or family title and if the first and second child is a girl, the patents will try for a third in the hopes of having a son. This trend is also now changing and a number of folks are now just happy to have a daughter. Sorry, I don't want to highjack the OP's purpose of starting this thread but I thought it necessary to clarify the rationale of my previous post. Warm wishes.

[Clockwork]

Hi clockwork, I am not a politician and I have no agenda one way or the other. I come from a nation where the population is exploding and the natural resources to feed, clothe and house human beings is under tremendous strain. Water is becoming a big problem as more and more people are depending on the same quantum that supported a much smaller population. While you are right in that there is a significantly high mortality rate among new born children, because of advances in modern medicine and an increasing awareness among the poorer sections of society here, mortality rate have been and are continuously being reduced further, albeit not eliminated completely.

 

Thankfully, due to rising aspirations , an increased awareness and a greater number of people rising through the ranks of the poor and destitute, even those who are considered underprivileged are limiting the number of children they have to two or at most three. Among the more affluent the norm is now settling at one. I think there is a natural instinct in humans to continue their lineage and pass on their genes to a younger generation. Where I live there is also a great desire on the part of people to have a son to carry on the name or family title and if the first and second child is a girl, the patents will try for a third in the hopes of having a son. This trend is also now changing and a number of folks are now just happy to have a daughter. Sorry, I don't want to highjack the OP's purpose of starting this thread but I thought it necessary to clarify the rationale of my previous post. Warm wishes.

 

 

 

We are not running out of resources on this planet. That is another myth. We have them. Not to mention in the history of humanity the one thing people underestimate is that we have the best resource for a growing population............man! The more of us there are, the more work we can do to create those resources. It has worked for centuries.

 

 

That being said, countries that do not have resources don't because of corrupt governments. That is the reason since the beginning of time of poverty. In North America our fast food chains will throw out their food on a continuous basis if it isn't bought right away. You can't tell us there isn't enough food to feed people, because there is. When a government tells you to cut down on breeding because of overpopulation all I can say is...............run!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Clockwork, as gentlemen let's just agree to disagree. I respect your view and there are elements there that I accept are true,, but for the most part our views are divergent. Warm wishes.

[Clockwork]

Hi Clockwork, as gentlemen let's just agree to disagree. I respect your view and there are elements there that I accept are true,, but for the most part our views are divergent. Warm wishes.

 

 

 

Maybe you can tell me what you agree with and we can build on that? I know a lot of people - friends and family even - where I have disagreements on things but the things we agree on are more the focus.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Clockwork, since you asked, the points of agreement would be firstly, that the population in developed countries is dropping at an alarming rate such that there are probably not enough people for the middle level and lower level jobs going a begging. There is also a certain level of population needed to keep the economy afloat and that is the biggest danger facing the developed nations. Japan comes to mind. Secondly, wastage of food in the developed nations is a fact. However, Fast food is an undesirable substitute for good wholesome simple food and so in some ways it is a blessing it goes down the drain. Although the truly hungry would benefit from getting some of it to eat, the poor in the developed nations who literally live on it are unhealthy and obese leading them to become prime candidates for diabetes and heart disease. I also agree with you on corruption. It is the single most pernicious malady which affects the underdeveloped world and holds back the steady march of progress and benefits to the poor.

 

Having said this, nations like mine and China are overburdened with populations that they cannot support equitably. Health, education, food and employment are the major issues that plague us and it will take a long time for us to reach a stage where snowballing will help us accelerate our developmental progress.

 

I must apologize to the OP of this thread and others as I am getting pulled into a discussion which has resulted in a complete TJ. So I guess that is the last thing I want to say on this and I do hope this meets your requirement. As a courtesy to the other posters I am going exit now. Warm wishes.

[Els]

I would really hope that nobody is making the decision to have kids or not based on concerns about over- or under- population. Do what you want to do based on what you wish to have in your own lifespan, within reason (0 or 2 or 4 is reasonable - 12 is not). Whatever decision you make based on complete honesty to yourself, is the best decision for you.

 

Because, frankly, in possibly as short a time as a few centuries from now, any such decisions are unlikely to make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. Biological science/technology/global warming/weaponry would have progressed to the level where everything will change drastically, for better or for worse (depending on which elements win).

 

What really matters IMO is that the people who DO choose to have children, do their best to raise them well, both in terms of knowledge/education and ethical judgement.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Elswyth