Have you ever asked an ex after moving on why they cheated on you ?

[Vanity1]

After over a month no contact with my ex, we finally talked and I asked him why he kept cheating on me...his answer was " I don't know why I do the things I do, I don't know you were so nice to me"- boring answer. I wanted answer like " because I wasn't happy"... Or something".

 

Anyway.

 

Have you ever asked an ex after moving on why they cheated on you ?

What was their answer ?

 

Cheating is the worst esp knowing you're doing everything right, and you are making that person happy but still something is so wrong they feel like cheating !

[Rockdad]

Or lordy there are many reasons. A few reasons come to mind, Im sure others can add more to the list.

 

Validation from someone else

Thrill of the chase

Desires variety

Sexually frustrated

[Vanity1]

Or lordy there are many reasons. A few reasons come to mind, Im sure others can add more to the list.

 

Validation from someone else

Thrill of the chase

Desires variety

Sexually frustrated

 

Pff my ex would stare at other girls right infront of me. Make eye contact with them, get so happy and tell me " wow I'm getting stared at and he would be so happy the rest of the night. So yeah I guess the validation thing must be right.

[stillafool]

Some people have options and it's hard for them to pass on them.

[SammySammy]

Because they want to.

 

I’ve never asked a SO because, to my knowledge, no one has cheated on me.

 

However, I wouldn’t consider my SO having sex with someone else to be something done to me. They may have broken a commitment to be faithful - broken their word - but it wasn’t something done to me.

 

It merely revealed their character or the lack there of.

 

“Cheating” is about their failure. Not mine. So, I would never think it must have been something I did or didn’t do. That there must be some reason related to me that explains why they did it.

 

People have sex with others because they want to. They chose to.

 

All it does it present you with a decision - to tolerate it or not. Make that decision and move on with your life.

 

I find that people who are all broken up because somebody “cheated on them” are trying way too hard to make it about them. Playing up the victim role too much. Change your perspective. It’s not about you. They revealed who they are. That’s all. Your character and self-worth can remain intact. It’s not diminished because of what someone else did. Who you are is not diminished because of another person’s actions.

 

Stop being broken because someone else is broken. They can be dishonest, unfaithful, untrustworthy and I remain whole and complete regardless. Move on with my life as a whole and complete person without them.

[sdraw108]

The answer is simple. Because they are cowards. Any other reason, based on something their partner did, is just an unjustifiable excuse and should be ignored.

 

There is always an alternative to cheating. If you are unhappy with your partner, then you either (1) try to fix it, (2) leave. Once you take option (2) you are free to see whoever you like.

 

Cheaters are cowards because they are afraid of options (1) or (2). By cheating, they get to avoid trying to fix their relationship, and they don't have to leave. They get to retain the safety net of their original partner, whilst enjoying the excitement of the new one. If they get comfortable enough with the new partner, then they can exercise option (2) with far less pain and risk than if they had had the guts to do the right thing in the first place. Meanwhile, the original partner pays that price on their behalf (the pain of a breakup involving cheating).

 

Don't try to look for any other explanation beyond this. Cheaters will give you all sorts of reasons if you ask ("I was unhappy because of X", "you let me down when you did Y", etc.) but none of them are real reasons, because they could have chosen to end the relationship instead of cheating.

Edited December 29, 2017 by sdraw108

[William]

As a reminder, there are plenty of threads on why cheaters cheat. This one is specifically asking those members who have experienced cheating in a relationship or marriage if they sought answers from their cheating partner/spouse and what those answers were.

 

Check and post to other threads in our infidelity and dating forums with more general comments. Thanks!

[BluesPower]

Because they want to.

 

I’ve never asked a SO because, to my knowledge, no one has cheated on me.

 

However, I wouldn’t consider my SO having sex with someone else to be something done to me. They may have broken a commitment to be faithful - broken their word - but it wasn’t something done to me.

 

It merely revealed their character or the lack there of.

 

“Cheating” is about their failure. Not mine. So, I would never think it must have been something I did or didn’t do. That there must be some reason related to me that explains why they did it.

 

People have sex with others because they want to. They chose to.

 

All it does it present you with a decision - to tolerate it or not. Make that decision and move on with your life.

 

I find that people who are all broken up because somebody “cheated on them” are trying way too hard to make it about them. Playing up the victim role too much. Change your perspective. It’s not about you. They revealed who they are. That’s all. Your character and self-worth can remain intact. It’s not diminished because of what someone else did. Who you are is not diminished because of another person’s actions.

 

Stop being broken because someone else is broken. They can be dishonest, unfaithful, untrustworthy and I remain whole and complete regardless. Move on with my life as a whole and complete person without them.

 

While I agree somewhat... with MKD that it does not really devalue "you" as a general rule. It def devalues the relationship for sure.

 

But like a lot of people that have had this happen to them, it did feel like that initially.

 

As you grow you understand that it is not about you at all.

 

I do think sometimes they (I know I did...) cheat because they are unhappy in the relationship, even if that reason is not really valid, it is the reason that gets used a lot.

 

For me, I was unhappy, wanted out, and I chose to cheat. She had already cheated so that made it easier, but basically I was miserable and had been for a while.

 

Of course it is not excuse and there never will be a good excuse to cheat. Just like she never had a good excuse to cheat in the first place...

[AlteredStarrling]

After over a month no contact with my ex, we finally talked and I asked him why he kept cheating on me...his answer was " I don't know why I do the things I do, I don't know you were so nice to me"- boring answer. I wanted answer like " because I wasn't happy"... Or something".

 

Anyway.

 

Have you ever asked an ex after moving on why they cheated on you ?

What was their answer ?

 

Cheating is the worst esp knowing you're doing everything right, and you are making that person happy but still something is so wrong they feel like cheating !

Hi Hurtx

This is a former cheater and I know you won't understand because you're right cheating is the worst thing you can do someone you love. As much as this sounds illogical, I still loved my first fiance even though I cheated on him. I was asked the why question long ago and I explained things as best as possible.

Since it's too much to write, I'll post the links from both my first ex fiance's post (Kent was his name and yes he used to post here long ago) and my version. It was Sept 2013 at the time and I never cheated on anyone ever again since.

 

The cheated on (Kent):

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/423066-i-caught-my-fiancee-cheating-but-she-doesn-t-know

 

I got called out in his post. Well it was his story and I hurt him in the worst way possible so understandable. I deserved all the name callings on that post.

 

The cheater's perspective (my side of the story)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/431581-i-threw-away-my-future

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/476754-what-do-you-all-think-when-you-hear-cheater-s-version

 

I understand if you get too emotional to continue reading but this is to give you an idea of why a cheater does it. There is never an excuse in the end. I'm single again and messed up another engagement, not for infidelity this time but that's a different story.

Edited December 29, 2017 by AlteredStarrling

[cabbageman]

Wow such garbage answers.

 

Why some of us are cheaters?:

 

1) Because as far as we know we only live once, so you might as well live it up. Hedonism.

 

2) We are selfish and self-centered. We don't really care about others, we don't really care about their feelings and we put ourselves first.

 

3) For some of us, love and sex are two seperate things. In this perspective, it's only cheating when you have emotional ties with another, (sex is just a biological imperative and thus not a big deal).

 

4) Lack of control. Some just can't say no.

 

You may not like this dark truth but those are my opinions.

[preraph]

Because he wants to. Because he's not committed. Because he either doesn't love you in a deep way or is not capable of loving in the deep way that makes him not want to hurt the person you love. Because he wants sex more than love. Maybe for variation, maybe for validation that he's still desireable because he has shakey self-esteem. Maybe because his penis is the most important thing to him in this world. He just wants to. His ideal probably isn't to find the one woman. It's to find women who will put on blinders so he can have multiple women to have sex with.

 

Just accept that's who he is and that he's not who you hoped he'd be. He didn't deserve all the love you gave him, but he learned how to keep you in the dark about himself so he could keep you hanging on.

 

Stop trying to make this your fault. I know you want to believe that because then it's something you can fix, but you can't fix this. Sadly, this is not even very uncommon so keep your eyes wide open once you start dating again.

[Vanity1]

Hi Hurtx

This is a former cheater and I know you won't understand because you're right cheating is the worst thing you can do someone you love. As much as this sounds illogical, I still loved my first fiance even though I cheated on him. I was asked the why question long ago and I explained things as best as possible.

Since it's too much to write, I'll post the links from both my first ex fiance's post (Kent was his name and yes he used to post here long ago) and my version. It was Sept 2013 at the time and I never cheated on anyone ever again since.

 

The cheated on (Kent):

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/423066-i-caught-my-fiancee-cheating-but-she-doesn-t-know

 

I got called out in his post. Well it was his story and I hurt him in the worst way possible so understandable. I deserved all the name callings on that post.

 

The cheater's perspective (my side of the story)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/431581-i-threw-away-my-future

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/476754-what-do-you-all-think-when-you-hear-cheater-s-version

 

I understand if you get too emotional to continue reading but this is to give you an idea of why a cheater does it. There is never an excuse in the end. I'm single again and messed up another engagement, not for infidelity this time but that's a different story.

 

I read some of it I still don't know why you cheated, were u unhappy ?

[Arieswoman]

Hurtx10,

I made the mistake of asking my exH why he cheated and got the following answers at different times;

 

1. You were too independent, I couldn't do anything for you. (This was a guy who never lifted a finger about the house despite requests/nagging etc)

 

2. You got some funny "womens' Lib" ideas. (Yeah, I stood up for a better deal and asked you to pull your weight !)

 

3. I don't know.

 

4. I knew it was wrong but I never thought I'd get caught.

 

5. You put weight on. (At the time he was cheating I was 133lbs and I am 5'3" tall. When we met 7 years previously I was 126lbs.)

 

6. It was to escape the problems at home ( I don't think I got that memo - what problems were these and why was I not informed about them?)

 

Did those answers help me - not really.

 

IMO he summed up why he cheated in No6. He had some problem that he couldn't address because he was conflict avoidant and cheated as a way of escaping from it.

So, as long as he refuses to own his own $h!£ it will follow him around and eventually bite him on the @r$e.

 

He married his AP and I've no idea if he's cheated on her.

However, I have heard through the "grapevine" that he moans from morning until night about everything and anything, and has to be pushed into every decision.

 

He's her problem now

[basil67]

Can I suggest a changing the phrasing of the question?

 

Instead of asking "why did you do that?" (most people can't answer the Why question), as how were you feeling at the time. It gives the same information but is much easier to answer.

[HiCrunchy]

Wow such garbage answers.

 

Why some of us are cheaters?:

 

1) Because as far as we know we only live once, so you might as well live it up. Hedonism.

 

2) We are selfish and self-centered. We don't really care about others, we don't really care about their feelings and we put ourselves first.

 

3) For some of us, love and sex are two seperate things. In this perspective, it's only cheating when you have emotional ties with another, (sex is just a biological imperative and thus not a big deal).

 

4) Lack of control. Some just can't say no.

 

You may not like this dark truth but those are my opinions.

 

 

Yes. Basically it is the fact that most people are selfish. Most people will ALWAYS choose themselves. ALWAYS. In everything in life. Remember that.

 

Choosing to cheat vs not cheat is a choice on whether the person is going to satisfy a desire or maintain their own morals/integrity (if they have it). It has nothing to do with the other person ever. Satisfying the desire has immediate results while choosing to maintain your morals/ integrity is good for your own social standing in your relationships (you don't want to be known as a cheater or untrust worthy) but isn't something that can instantly gratify you.

 

If a person becomes self-aware enough to recognize that their problem isn't with their partner but with themselves, they can fix their behavior if they choose. The issue is that many blame the relationship or their partner and not themselves. Then the pattern continues.

 

The answer they give will not satisfy you, unless its "I have a character flaw that makes it difficult to be in a committed relationship.

 

1. I am working on making arrangements with my partner to be in an open relationship,

or

2. I am removing myself from participating in committed relationships and only doing hookups/fwb

or

3. I am working on the flaws so that I can be in a committed relationship in the future."

 

It will never be about you, its about them. Remember that.

 

I have never cheated but I'd like to add my own opinion to the thread. I hope it was helpful.

Edited December 30, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[Chilli]

When I used to be the cheating type, I did so mostly because I could, and it was fun. I mean, if you can hook up with this girl you just met and get away with it, why not?

 

 

l'm afraid it was pretty well as simple as that for me back when too.

Basically there was just so much temptation out there , l use to think how the hell was a guy suppose to keep hands off and stay with just one girl.

 

Although with one gf it was because of the way she treated me.

[GemmaUK]

He didn't cheat to the extent of having an affair but there were a few minor incidents which happened when he drank to excess.

 

Yeah, I did ask him.

His reply - 'Because I'm scum.'

 

I still feel some guilt as one evening in our local bar about a year later he was confiding in me how he couldn't cope with living alone. I suggested he get a lodger, he grimaced at that so I suggested he find a girlfriend so she could move in with him. I turned and pointed at a new woman on our friends scene who was the new lodger of a mutual friend) and said 'there you go, go out with her'.

He did as of that night and she moved in with him three weeks later, they had a baby and then got married and he still has these 'incidents' and I really hoped he wouldn't but there were a few even while she was pregnant and many since.

She really didn't deserve that.

[todreaminblue]

me ...."why"

 

 

him...."i f.....ed up"

[Arieswoman]

Gemmauk #21

 

Yeah, I did ask him.

His reply - 'Because I'm scum.'

 

To add to my previous answer, I did ask him how he would feel if I'd cheated on him. He replied "I know you wouldn't do that".

I asked him why he thought that, and he said "I would expect that behaviour from me but not from you."

 

Work that one out, because I can't

[Chilli]

Think that's the old fashion view about women that most of us guys use to have .

That they were better than us and wouldn't do such a thing.

Ahh, most of us find out later though how wrong we were and you bet they'll do such a thing.

[somanymistakes]

Unfortunately I don't think this is a question you can get a satisfactory answer to, if you ask a particular person 'why did you cheat on me?'

 

Unless the 'cheating' was confessed immediately afterwards (the 'I got drunk and did something dumb, help!' scenario), cheating is a sign that a person's nature is to lean towards the easy way out. Whether they "meant" to hurt you or not, they took the easy route of enjoying someone else's attentions while not telling you that they were doing it, or not telling you that your relationship had problems. They didn't want to face consequences. They knew you wouldn't approve, so they didn't tell you. Maybe they thought they were sparing you pain, maybe they were just sparing themselves pain, but fundamentally they chose the path that they thought would get the most benefit rather than the truth.

 

So, now that you know they've cheated, you ask them why. Do you think they're going to pick the truth now? Or are they going to pick the path that they think will produce the most benefit?

 

Many cheaters will grovel and say that it's all their fault, they're scum, they made a terrible mistake, they can't imagine how they cheated on someone as wonderful as you, blah blah blah. Do you really believe this? They're trying to find an angle that you will approve of. If the only thing they think you will approve of is 'It was all my fault!' they'll pick that one. They want you to think well of them. Maybe they even want you to forgive them and take them back someday. They'll say what they think you want to hear.

 

Other cheaters will try to make it all YOUR fault. This can serve multiple purposes. It makes them feel better about themselves if it was someone else's fault, and it might make you more eager to please. If it was all your fault then you might think you can just do better in the future and the cheating won't happen again!

 

Now, it's not like cheaters are necessarily sitting there intentionally planning out these things. They just slide naturally into responses that fit their personalities, probably without thinking about it a lot.

[road]

Hurtx10,

I made the mistake of asking my exH why he cheated and got the following answers at different times;

 

1. You were too independent, I couldn't do anything for you. (This was a guy who never lifted a finger about the house despite requests/nagging etc)

 

2. You got some funny "womens' Lib" ideas. (Yeah, I stood up for a better deal and asked you to pull your weight !)

 

3. I don't know.

 

4. I knew it was wrong but I never thought I'd get caught.

 

5. You put weight on. (At the time he was cheating I was 133lbs and I am 5'3" tall. When we met 7 years previously I was 126lbs.)

 

6. It was to escape the problems at home ( I don't think I got that memo - what problems were these and why was I not informed about them?)

 

Did those answers help me - not really.

 

IMO he summed up why he cheated in No6. He had some problem that he couldn't address because he was conflict avoidant and cheated as a way of escaping from it.

So, as long as he refuses to own his own $h!£ it will follow him around and eventually bite him on the @r$e.

 

He married his AP and I've no idea if he's cheated on her.

However, I have heard through the "grapevine" that he moans from morning until night about everything and anything, and has to be pushed into every decision.

 

He's her problem now

 

This is why the "why" questions are a waste of time for the

answers are never worth the paper that they are written on.

[AlteredStarrling]

I read some of it I still don't know why you cheated, were u unhappy ?

At the time I was in such a terrible state of mind. Some days I was happy, other days stressed out and others confused.

I was selfish, stupid and had issues at the time.