help getting my gf back

[crushed]

hi all i need help badly

 

my gf of 5 1/2 yrs broke up with me about a week ago

i had thoughts that she had been lieing to me so i checked up on her to see if she was

and found that she had been lieing the lies where petty but when i confronted her on them

she got extreamly mad that i had caught her in the lies and said i was "stalking" her and she only lied to get time to herself and that i had been lieing to her

true i did lie to her for weeks about checking up on her i said i wasnt when i was

 

i really truely am in love with her and she says she still loves me but wont or cant forgive me for checking up on her and lieing she says its because i didnt trust her

now she barely talks to me and when we do talk it all goes back to me lieing and she just beats me up emotionaly about anything and everything i say she says she dont belive anything i say anymore and cant trust me

a couple days ago she said she would give us another chance if i can prove to her she can trust me and belive me again

 

my question is how can i prove to her she can trust me and that i wont lie to her again as this was the only time i ever lied to her about anything ever she was my best friend and i still love her with all my heart and dont know what i will do if i lose her forever

 

i dont know what to do can someone pleasssse help me figure out what to do to get her back

[LucreziaBorgia]

a couple days ago she said she would give us another chance if i can prove to her she can trust me and belive me again

 

That's a tricky situation, since she is a known liar herself. Since its doubtful she wants to be back with you any time soon, she has set you up with a task where she is always going to see you as not being able to complete to her satisfaction. Then, she can tell herself (and you) that its your fault, since you continue to fail to 'prove yourself'. Its a pretty convenient way to keep someone away from you, when you are fairly certain their behavior won't change, and you don't intend to change your own. You basically put them in a situation where you determine their success or failure at whim, and if you don't want to get back with them, you just tell them that they 'failed you'.

 

A girl who goes so far as to lie to 'get time away' is most likely checking out of the relationship anyway. She most likely doesn't see that she was doing anything wrong, and sees 'being checked up on' as a violation of her privacy - and therefore more wrong than what she was doing. Hers was 'escape', yours was 'stalking' (in her mind anyway). Perhaps her lying was an excuse to cover something wrong she was doing, perhaps she really felt she had to if you are the overbearing type.

 

Either way, lying about it was not the right thing for her to do. Checking up on someone who you know to be lying is self preservation. I can't say I blame you, after having over five years invested in a relationship. She lied, you checked up, she got defensive and turned it on you. Note that she said nothing about your trust for her, and how she violated that. She has made this all your fault and responsibility to 'fix'.

 

At this point, it sounds like you two have a lot to work out (if she is even sincere about wanting to give you another chance - if she isn't then no amount of 'work' will accomplish anything). She has to be honest with herself and you about why she lied to get time away from you, and acknowledge that lying was not justified. You need to understand why she lied and take responsibility for whatever part you played in making her feel like she had to lie (if indeed you played any part in that). You need to be honest with yourself and her about why you felt the need to lie about checking up on her, and she needs to take responsibility for what made you check up on her in the first place and then lie about it.

 

Lots of work to do. It may well be a good idea to step back from each other for a while before you attempt reconciliation. You can't reconcile if you both think you are "right" and the other is "wrong", and are angry/hurt about it. Let some of this emotional turmoil blow over, and then talk only when you can do so rationally and not just attack what the other person is saying.

[crushed]

wow you said exactly what i was thinking about her turning it around and makeing it my fault and all i got was what i feel as an unsincer apology and then on to more about how she cant trust me

i can understand about needing "me" time as everyone does at some point

and i am man enuff to admit i did wrong by lieing and can admit i can be a bit smothering at times but i love her with all my heart and love telling her and showing her how much i truly love her i think it would have been better for her to just say i was smothering her instead of lieing

as far as i know there isnt anyone else and hope tere isnt

but to lie about what your doing or where you are is a lie no matter how you put it and can lead one to think there is another

im lost without her and dont think i will ever love agian if we split up forever

wish htere was a simple way to forgive what has been done thanks for your response

[J dub]

She lied, and then got pissed at you for lying about checking up on her BECAUSE she lied. See the problem here? She managed to pin the blame on you, and you apparently let her since she is now making comments about how she'd like to work on things IF *YOU* fix the problem.

 

She was lying because something was wrong to begin with, you both need to take some time apart and analyze whats happened here.

 

im lost without her and dont think i will ever love agian if we split up forever

 

Not to be harsh, but everyone who loses someone they love says this exact same sentence. It's not that I dont think you mean it with all your heart, but with time you WILL love again...have faith in yourself that life has obstacles and sometimes these things are blessings in disguise.

[caring guy]

I'm not sure if it's nature or not, but my gf went on the defensive when i found emails that she'd been with someone else, at a situation when our relationship was at rock bottom.

Ok, i clicked on the guys name in her inbox, that gave me the message, but inquisitiveness made me not help myself!

Wether i was wrong to or not, the blame was put on me, not on herself that she was adulterous. Ok, i made mistakes within the relationship & there were probs, but the fact she put the blame on me for seeing them!

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones i believe is a saying!

[NewLee40]

Caring,

 

I've been in a relationship where there were serious trust issues. In our last go round, I behaved in a way that was rather undignified. I suspected he wasn't at his office when he said he was, so I went and checked. He wasn't.

 

In his defense, he said he was tired and was worried I'd be mad if he told me he didn't want to come over as was his usual habit on Fri. nights.

 

Honestly, its lame, but I do believe that part. Its very much like him. The problem was, what was wrong with him/me or our relationship that he couldn't just say that in the first place right?

 

But, then he said... "I have to lie to you because of the way you are" WTF?

 

Now, you'll just have to trust me when I tell you that him not coming over was not a big deal. I understand tired, I understand needing space. I'm not demanding in that way at all.

 

In other words, he was saying, "I lie because you don't trust me."

 

Do you think he had a point?

[caring guy]

Jeez Lee, are you my gf checking on me? lol

I've been just the same, i say things to her, that aren't true, because i worry that the truth will cause an argument or be a problem, whereas honesty is the best thing whatever.

He may just have been insecure as to what you may have thought, i know i am with my gf!

Now i shall always be truthful, whatever, it saves a lot of grief!

[NewLee40]

No, I'm not your gf.

 

But, really, you should tell the truth. If you don't have honesty in a relationship, you don't have much. Dishonesty, no matter how well intentioned, erodes trust. No relationship can sustain that.